August 4, 2008

Greetings, fellow pop pickers and welcome to another weekly update. Yes, this week’s update has been freshly scraped from the cobbles and comes at you hot, steaming and in a big pile. It’ll do wonders for your roses if you take it home in a bucket. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

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Ken starts work editing his novel as Blanche and Deirdre eye him from the kitchen, wondering what’s going on behind the eyes of the man in the cardi at their living room table. It’s called Sunday Afternoon is Ken’s book. “You were conceived on a Sunday afternoon,” Blanche tells Deirdre in that way mothers have of giving daughters way too much info. Well, they didn’t have Sky+ in those days and car boot sales hadn’t been invented so there was little else to do, I suppose.

Dev and Amber were wonderful this week as dad and daughter played dictionary shuttlecock across the corner shop counter. Amber commenced with Ameliorate and Dev delivered Ergo. Not to be outdone, Amber returned with Pretentious but Dev wrapped it up with Facetious. I think that’s the snotty version of Facebook. Instead of giving people a poke, you just throw them a look, roll your eyes and then tut.  Anyway, Dev’s trying to give someone a poke of his own and ex-Bollywood actress Nina Adani isn’t complaining. Nina is the wife of Dev’s new business pal Prem who’s big in floor coverings. (I did the shag pile joke last week). Nina was Dev’s wet dream when he were a lad and he can’t believe his luck on meeting Nina at last after seeing her movie 88 times. Yes, 88 times. He comes over all giddy and has a bit of a moment in the golf club as he recounts this. Nina’s over the moon to meet Dev, not least because she’s flattered that someone remembers her as a Bollywood beauty instead of the Cheshire set housewife she’s become. Prem and Nina try to set Dev up with their accountant Lisa, she’s a big lass in a frock. But Dev’s only got eyes for Nina and she’s willing to play away from Prem and double up with Dev. Amber knows there’s summat up, she’s not daft that one. She spies her dad leaving for lunch with Lisa the big lass then spies him again as he rolls home in an open top Jag with his Bollywood barmcake. I spy trouble ahead, not least because of the way Nina bit into Dev’s Cox’s Pippin but also because Amber is now holding Dev to his promise that they’re moving on up in the world and into one of Tony Gordon’s flats in the sky. Or maybe Amber can keep Dev’s feet on the ground?

David hacks into Tina’s email account to discover she’s been emailing her old flame Matt. He reads Tina’s emails to Matt which are on the whole quite generous about David who’s pleased to read that his girlfriend thinks that he’s cool. But he’s a little perturbed to read that she’d also like him to be more spontaneous and so he cooks up a plan. He lays rose petals along the floor and up the stairs to the bathroom which he’s lit with candles and more petals. Ah, that is so sweet and romantic. Meanwhile, Ted gets all dolled up in his best bib and tucker and heads out for a night on the town. “Got a date?” asks Tina. “No,” replies Ted. “Just a night with a fag hag I haven’t seen for ages.” What? Margi Clarke’s back already?

In the Rovers, Liz pretends not to care, Harry the bookie pretends not to notice and Clarissa Mason ended up getting thrown out onto the Street by her hair. Yes, another Corrie catfight on the cobbles although if anyone had dragged me out of a pub by my hair I’d have put her bloody windows through with a brick. Clarissa just takes it in her stride, clearly a woman used to being thrown out of pubs, and gets Liz to put her most expensive bottle of bubbly on ice so she can celebrate with Harry who’s supposed to have been to the solicitor to stop their impending divorce. Only he hasn’t, he was sidetracked, in that way that men like Harry Mason can get. The bubbly explodes all over Clarissa’s cleavage which leads me to say, ladies and gentlemen, that there’s too much cleavage on Corrie these days and nowhere near enough man totty. And no, Jason Grimshaw in a vest top doesn’t count, not when you’re a lady of a certain age, like, er, me. Bring back Spider, that’s what I say, etc.

Elsewhere this week, Audrey and Bill with Roger and Janice set off in a people-carrier for a weekend of cheap beer a la France. But their booze cruise turned into a bruise cruise when Audrey crashed the car after she’d taken her eyes off the road while she was arguing with Janice and Bill. Mind you, she’d already taken the wrong turn, distracted by her passengers doing Edith Piaf impersonations in the back of the car. Audrey’s well cheesed off and after the crash she has to have her arm put in a sling before she slings Bill out. Corrie missed a trick here. Bill could have warned Audrey she’d regret her actions and Audrey could have gone all and replied in the best Edith Piaf of her own: “Non, Bill Webster, je ne regrette rien.”

Talking about the Webster’s, there’s trouble in store for Kevin when Streetcars cancel their contract with the garage after Lloyd’s offered a better deal elsewhere. Kev finds out that the elsewhere is in the pay of one Mister Tony Gordon and he rails at Sally and Rosie about the injustice in the world. It’s news at which Rosie shakes her cleavage and Sally puts the beans on for tea, supporting Team Kev all the way.

And finally, over at the Morton’s it’s all pointless stuff about Jerry’s ailing health. This is going to keep chuddering towards its clunky climax which will eventually get rid of the lot of them (anyone want to start a petition to save Darryl?). Jerry’s seen mowing the lawn – even though there’s proof that there’s no green grass on the Street – and barbecuing in the backyard while Theresa does her best to hang onto a storyline.

Five things we learned in Corrie this week.

1.    Tina McIntyre once had a dog called Susan.
2.    The most expensive bottle of champagne in the Rovers is £26
3.    Liz McDonald is Lily Savage’s mother
4.    Aunty Pam shows Tyrone how to speculate to accumulate
5.    There’s an awful lot of loose change down the back of Jack’s sofa (see 4 above)

And that’s just about that for this week.

Coronation Street writers this week were Jonathan Harvey, Martin Allen, Martin Sterling and Jayne Hollinson.

Blogging away merrily at

August 11, 2008

Greetings and welcome to another weekly wotsit of wonder. This week the update’s popping atcha through the letter box of life, knocking at your virtual front door and begging to come in and have a cuppa. (That’s quite enough of that, Ed). And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

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In the Barlows’ this week, it was hard to tell the difference between Eccles and Ken. Both were lying around the house, unwashed, unshaven, unloved. Neither had eaten or taken any fresh air. They each felt neglected and both had a beard. But wait, what was that? Ah yes, Eccles had bigger balls than Ken Barlow would ever have, and Eccles, my friend, is a bitch. Mind you, so is Blanche when the mood hits her right and it was partly her fault that Ken let himself go. His novel had caught Blanche’s attention and she started casting her beady eye over it before casting aspersions. Who was this dashing hero she was reading all about, the one trapped by his background and bad choice in wool cardis? She read on, engrossed, to discover the heroine of the piece. Once upon a time she was a pert bottomed goddess (but then, weren’t we all?) and now Ken’s written her up as a chain-smoking fishwife who condemns our hero to a marriage of misery and a fag-breath life. Blanche can only make assumptions, well, she plays to her strengths and tells Deirdre she needs to read the novel too, it’s like a badly typed version of Deirdre’s own life and “gives off a self-satisfied hum”, says Blanche. Deirdre reads Ken’s novel and she’s upset, confused and pulls a sickie from work. Work? She hasn’t been in to Weatherfield Council for so long I’m surprised she’s still on the payroll. Mind you, she’ll still be on the coffee club rota. There’ll be a stern faced secretary with a face like a disappointed Tuesday who’ll be keeping tabs on that rota, just you mark my words. Anyway my loves, Deirdre and Ken battle it out at their dining room table, he admits he’s disappointed with his life, with their house and yes, with her too. Deirdre slaps him hard across the chops before heading off to Eileen’s for a coffee cup full of white wine. While Deirdre’s out, Ken thinks on and by the time she’s returned, he’s burned his novel in the backyard, cremated his creation and tells his missus he’s ready to embrace mediocrity. Which is more, much more, than Deirdre’s ready for yet. Bring back Mike Baldwin for her, that’s all I say. Oh no, wait, we can’t, he’s dead. Ah what the heck, bring him back anyway, he’s probably got more life in him than Ken Barlow will ever have.

Over in the salon, Audrey has a light bulb moment. “An epiphany,” says Ted, putting posh words into her tiny mind when she makes a decision not to let Bill back into her life. Ted tries to play matchmaker and tells Bill to take chocolates and flowers and tickets for the opera. Bill Webster does his best. Chocolates he can do, flowers he can buy but when he presents two tickets to Carmen for him and Audrey, she knows he’s been put up to it by someone else. If Bill had his way it’d be two cod and chips with two pints on a big night out, and I say there’s nowt wrong with that, but then, I’m not Audrey Roberts. She wants a bit more romance in her life, a bit of schmooze, someone she can manipulate just like she did to her Alfeh. Bill tells her all this in no uncertain terms and it’s a truth she’s not happy to hear. Still, it doesn’t stop her from accepting Ted’s offer to go to th’opera with him instead of Bill. Could Audrey Roberts be Corrie’s first fag hag?

In the Morton household, Tina pulverises too much of Jerry’s heart medication and pops it into his food. She wants Jerry to think he can’t live without her when he’ll no doubt take ill again as she knows that she’s overstayed her welcome. Then again, haven’t they all? I’d still love Darryl to stay, he’s brill. I like him so much, I just want to pat him on the head every time he comes on screen.

Now then, I’m all for Gail Platt being happy. If having a new man in her life puts a smile on her face then good on her, that’s what I say, but please, gawd please, stop the woman from simpering. Scraped fingernails down a blackboard I can take. Spiders in the bath? I care not a jot. Wet cotton wool I can just about (almost) take but the simpering of Gail sends the hairs on the back of my hands, sorry, back of my neck into a spasm and I feel physically sick. Yes, Tina’s dad Joe has a thing for Gail Platt. What sort of a thing, well, we haven’t yet seen but if it turns up in the bedroom at No. 8 Coronation Street and she simpers when she sees it, I might just have to throw summat at the telly. And why aren’t her man-alarm bells ringing? With her track record in choosing the wrong man, surely she’d have devised a questionnaire by now to give to new suitors to fill in with green pen.

Q1. Have you ever, or do you intend to, drive fully clothed, in a car, head first into the canal?
Q2. How many people have you killed? 
Delete as applicable: 0-5 / Less than 10 / 50+
Q3. Are you a stark staring loony?
Delete as applicable: Yes / No / Depends on the voices
Q4. Do you have a religious maniac mother called Ivy who’ll undermine me every day?
Q5. Are you liable to run off with a 16 year old neighbour?
Q6. Will you be hanging around outside of discos getting into fights?

Anyway, they’re going bowling. It’ll only end in tears.

And the reason they’ve agreed to go bowling is to get Tina and David back together. They’ve fallen out after Tina gave David the heave-ho when she found out he’d hacked into her email account. Tina turns up for work at the shop in a strop and serves kebabs with a cob on while demented David stalks her from the Street.

Anyway, they’re going bowling. It’ll only end in tears.

And finally this week, Jed Stone (aka Sunny Jim) returned to Coronation Street after 42 years. Cast your mind back, if you will, and you might remember Jed Stone as the son that Minnie Caldwell never had. He’s now an old man, living alone in a terraced house and Tony Gordon wants him out. Tony Gordon starts menacing Jed Stone, wanting him to move out so that his plans for world domination can continue unabated. Yes, the evil empire of Tony Gordon starts small, he plans it slowly but determined, one terraced street at a time.  Will Jed turn up on the cobbles begging for help from his old pals? And who will remember him from the old days? Possible Rita, Betty, Emily and Ken - if he ever recovers from his creative crisis.

Five things we learned in Corrie this week.
1.    Eileen likes the word “boff”
2.    Ryan’s back from holiday but no-one knows where he’s been
3.    Sophie Webster’s still missing in action
4.    Amy Barlow’s not very good at crying
5.    Ken Barlow in a beard is not a good look

And that’s just about that for this week.

Coronation Street writers this week were Damon Rochefort, Chris Fewtrell, Jan McVerry, Lucy Gannon and David Lane.

Blogging away merrily at

August 18, 2008

Hello and welcome to another weekly Corrie update. This week the update comes anticipating cake, lots of cake, as it hurtles towards my birthday this weekend. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

If you’d like your weekly update with pictures, fan stuff and fun stuff, then have a look here:

He’s more Alan Bradley than Richard Hillman but Tony Gordon’s ready to enter that special, dark room at the back of the Hall of Fame that’s home to Corrie’s Best Villains. First it was bats and this week it’s cats as Tony throws an old man out of his home and tosses his cat to the cobbles. And this is no ordinary old man – it’s Jed Stone. Jed’s got a photo on his mantle from the old days with Minnie Caldwell who he always called Ma. He’s got history has Jed Stone, but that counts for nowt with men like Tony Gordon. Tony wants Jed out of his house so he can bulldoze the terrace to make way for a multi million pound development in the back end of nowhere. And when Tony threatens the old man, Jed collapses in pain clutching his chest. Tony whips out his phone, tells Jason to get round there and board the house up. Tony’s second call is for an ambulance and as Jed’s carted off to t’hospital, he sets Jed Stone’s cat to the ground and shoos it away. But this is no ordinary cat, it’s Sunny Jim. Sunny Jim! Before you know it he’ll be miaowing an SOS to Rita in The Kabin. “What’s that Sunny Jim?” she’ll call out from the counter. “Jed Stone’s tekken poorly and even though we haven’t seen him for 42 years we’ll all rush to his bedside and mount a defence against the evil Tony Gordon?” And Sunny Jim will nod his head and lead the soap OAPS from the cobbles to Jed Stone’s hospital bed. But before he does that, I hope he has a cat crap on Tony’s shoe. 

Tony’s also causing more problems for Kev and the garage. Kev’s called out to service a busty blonde on a breakdown only to find the woman driver had simply ran out of petrol. While he’s filling her tank with his nozzle, Kev’s breakdown truck is stolen and there’s worse to come when the insurance won’t pay up as he left the keys in th’ignition and they’re citing negligence. Kev’s world is slowly crumbling and no one seems to care. Mind you, he’s never been the same since he shaved off his moustache.

Now then, we saw summat this week in Corrie we’ve never seen before; the upstairs flat in the Rovers Return. We’ve seen the bedroom before when Jack and Vera lived there and when Shelley was held as a paranoid prisoner in some very bad pyjamas. And now we get to view the rest of the upstairs as Steve and Michelle decide to give their relationship another try. However, all’s not well in the love department when Michelle meets old mate JD on a karaoke night in town. Steve’s not best pleased to find JD staying overnight at the pub and goes all out to get Michelle back. He succeeds but then she announces she’s off to Belgium on a tour with the band and JD. Or, as Steve likes to call him, Jer Der.

Ken Barlow’s been luckier in love than Steve McDonald this week, and that’s not something I’ve said in an update before. He and Deirdre get back together, have a cuddle by Uncle Albert’s photo and then Ken propositions his missus. “D’ya fancy having a Deirdre in the back yard?” he asks her. “You what?” I said out loud at the telly. “You what?” said Deirdre in surprise. Apparently, to “have a Deirdre” is to have a drink of wine in like, really, really big glasses. I don’t think you have to wear the glasses, you just drink from them, but I could be wrong.

Over at Eileen’s, Sean’s upset to find a few lines and wrinkles and considers having Botox but he can’t as he’s frightened of needles. Anyway, he and Marcus go to the clinic together and although Sean comes out in the same Botox-free state that he went in, the visit changes Marcus’ life and he decides to become a Botox practitioner. He has to attend a two day course so packs his bags and moves away leaving Sean home alone to worry about wrinkles.

Tina and David officially fall out, again, this week after David stalks his ex-girlfriend at work in the kebab shop. He orders 10 kebabs just to spend time in the shop and then locks himself in until she speaks to him. She didn’t of course and David got chucked out by Jerry who has this week been eating curry. (This storyline went nowhere but it was a nice rhyme that I wanted to use.) Tina gets her revenge when she visits David at work at Peter and Paul’s, the posh hair salon in town. She pretends she wants a haircut and demands that David wash her hair.  But when she’s mid-soak and David hadn’t even got round to asking where she was going for her holidays, Tina pulls a tantrum and causes a scene, spraying water at David who is then promptly sacked. He’s back to sitting around on the sofa all day while Gail takes phone calls from Tina’s dad Joe asking her on another date and promising to spank her. Really, he did. I shuddered.

Molly’s Aunty Pam is in a bit of a pickle. In fact, she’s got it all over her hands and half way up her arms. Molly’s lost her engagement ring, the one Jack handed down from Vera, and Pam knows it’s in the pickle somewhere. This is pickle she’s been flogging up and down the Street and she finally narrows it down so she knows exactly which jar of pickle Molly’s ring is in. Trouble is, the jar with the ring in it is now in Emily’s raffle hamper for the Friends of Weatherfield Hospital and Emily, being Emily, won’t be bribed so that Pam can win.

And finally this week, Roy returned from visiting Hayley abroad. It can only be a matter of weeks before Hayley returns and when she does, she’ll get as much of a shock as Roy did to walk into the cafe to find Vernon replacing Roy’s trains with 45rpm singles. Instead of pictures of steam engines and rail tracks, there were guitars and rock posters. But Vernon’s dream of turning the Roy’s Rolls into a Weatherfield Hard Rock café – Hard Luck Chuck Café – turn to dust when Roy’s eyes met the menu board offering fries instead of chips. And as we all know, Roy is not a fries guy.

Five things we learned in Corrie this week.
1.    John Stape reads The Guardian
2.    Fiz is a fan of The Simpsons
3.    Steve McDonald reckons Take That is suitable music for seduction
4.    In Balaclava Terrace there’s a restaurant called A Slow Boat to China
5.    Liz McDonald once went on a weekend break to Brussels

And that’s just about that for this week.

Coronation Street writers this week were Jonathan Harvey, Mark Wadlow, Lucy Gannon, Martin Allen, Mark Burt.

Blogging away merrily at

August 25, 2008

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update.  This week finds your updater another year older, having celebrated a birthday in the last few days. Thankyou to all who emailed birthday greetings, they were very much appreciated. I’m planning to continue celebrations well into next week by taking an eye test and resigning myself to the fact I need reading glasses.  I don’t know about you, but I’m hoping for specs just like Deirdre. And so, with the Dub Pistols on CD and without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

If you’d like your weekly update with pictures, fan stuff and fun stuff, then have a look here:

Margi Clarke as Jackie Dobbs hit Corrie again this week, the first time since she and Tyrone took up unofficial residence in Curly’s house on the cobbles many years ago. At the time, Man City fans at a match chanted to actor Kevin Kennedy, who played Curly and was spotted in the footy crowd: “There’s a Scouser in your house!”  Well, she’s back. Last time we saw her Jackie Dobbs had been banged up with Deirdre “I diddunt-doo-anneethink” Barlow who was sent down after John the fake pilot set her up. Deirdre has yet to come face to face with ex-cell mate Jackie and this Corrie fan can only imagine that Deirdre’s face on meeting Jackie will be akin to Anne Kirkbride’s on meeting Margi Clarke. I know too much and can’t say a word, so I shan’t, even though I want to. Oh heaven help me, I want to and the tabloids would pay me. But I won’t, I never do. Anyway, Jackie manages to fleece Tyrone and Molly of their wedding funds after Scary Brian threatens to beat up Jackie for not paying her water bill. At least, that’s what Jackie tells Tyrone but the truth is that she’s had a boob job in Spain and needs to clear her cleavage cost. As Jackie butters up Tyrone and Molly in a posh place she’s house-sitting for Ewan and Breenan while they’re away (lovely couple) while looking after a big fat cat called Madge, there’s a fella watching the house, drumming his fingers on a car steering wheel. They’re angry fingers, full of tattoos and a sovvy and they belong to Scary Brian. He’s scary, he’s called Brian. He does exactly what it says on the tin plate in his head. And he gets his cash after he threatens Jackie Dobbs into handing over the dosh, no matter where it comes from - Ty and Mol’s wedding fund.

She’s got pink hair this time around, has Jackie Dobbs but she soon shows her true colours when she tells Tyrone she wishes he was never born once he hands over the dosh. She turns up later in Jack Duckworth’s back yard only to get short shrift from the working-class wall of strength that is Aunty Pam and Jack who turn her on her heel and send her down the ginnel. But she’ll be back, just you mark my words. Margi Clarke doesn’t come back for just a bit part.

Elsewhere this week, Vernon waxed lyrical in Roy’s Rolls that his Rock Rhythm Rascals were once “this close to a support slot with the Flying Pickets.” Didn’t he know that one of that band once went out with Deirdre? Well, they did you know. I guess we’ll never know how much more exciting Deirdre’s life might have been if she’d wed a Flying Picket.

In the Streetcars office, it’s John Stape’s turn to sit in the Streetcars seat of shame and confess all to Eileen. She knows, you know, does Eileen, I think she’s a white witch. She knows who put the smile on John’s face but it’s not Eileen’s place to criticise or condemn, that’s left to us viewers as John and Fiz get close and kiss once again. Living rooms up and down the country hummed to Corrie fans tutting and saying “Oh, Fiz, no.” Even Kirkeh’s Julie comes out with some words of advice for her friend Fiz. Indeed, she even burst into song on the subject but it still doesn’t wipe that silly smirk off Fiz’s face that she and John “fit” together. Pavers shoes and my feet “fit” together; doesn’t mean it’s a good look.

The Websters set off on holiday to Greece although it’ll take them at least a month to unwind as Kev’s all upset over Tony Gordon’s world domination plan. It continues apace when the Victoria Court flats are officially opened with a champagne reception served by a tiny skirt with Rosie Webster in it. Dev takes the keys to his new flat. Prem and Nina come for a look-see and Nina makes it clear she wants to rock Dev’s world in a way Dev’s never been rocked before, well, not since his dalliance with Deirdre.  In the next few weeks we’ll see Prem and Nina’s daughter Tara arrive and Dev will be caught in a love triangle between mother and daughter. And not for the first time either. He only needs to bag Blanche and he’ll have the Barlow full set.

And as for Tony’s plan to oust Jed Stone from his home, he puts the old fella in th’ospital and leaves a cheque on his hospital bed (white starched sheets, green knitted blanket). Jed’s in bits and pulls close to his chest the only item left to him in the world. It’s an old biscuit tin full of cash and old photos. It fair brought a tear to the eye.

In the Kabin, Rita takes a phone call from Emily who’s in town but has forgotten the PIN for her credit card. She tells Norris to go into her bedroom to retrieve the number from her dressing table drawer. Norris gets the shakes going into a ladies’ bedroom, but he finds the number easy enough. What else he finds leaves him in a state as there’s an envelope in the drawer marked “Not to be opened until after my death”. He tells Rita about th’envelope, she tells Emily and of course it gets back to Norris. Emily shows him the contents, it’s her wishes for her funeral and Norris can’t help but bitch about her choice of funeral choonage. Anyway, before I  press on, a word about Emily’s bedroom because as far as I know we’ve never seen it before. It’s everything you thought it would be, I’m afraid, with no surprises. It’s pink flowery wallpaper, old bottles of scent, heavy oak furniture, a wedding picture of her special day with Ernest, bottle of blue WKD and an Anne Summers catalogue on her bedside table. I made some of that up.

Over in the kebab shop, David makes Tina jealous by making Amber happy. Poor Amber. She thinks she’s on to a good thing when David takes her to the Leeds Festival and she’s really loving being with him. She’s been after him long enough, but David’s only doing it to make Tina jealous and it’s working, it really is, although she tells Darryl it’s not. But it is. Anyway, speaking of the Leeds festival, I travelled back today from Leeds station to London on the same train as the festival fall-out and the place was like a zoo. A smelly, tired, muddy but very happy zoo. I just hope they pay the Leeds station cleaners double time for today, they surely deserve it.

Talking about kebabs, Jerry’s worsening health delights Theresa, the only woman to make custard with the help of a pestle and mortar. She adds eye of toad and leg of newt to Jerry’s diet and he’s really, really ill but no one’s figured out what she’s up to just yet.

Gail continues to romance Joe although so far it’s not got past the white wine stage. She cooks him sea food which he can’t eat because he swells up, which is a shame, because she was probably hoping that would happen.

Five things we learned in Corrie this week.

1.    Sally Webster is Tony Gordon’s 3rd best machinist
2.    Tyrone Dobbs was named after Tyrone Power
3.    Steve McDonald doesn’t know how many sugars Liz takes
4.    Jerry Morton sings the Double Deckers theme tune at parties (I think I may start)
5.    Scary Brian was like, really scary

And that’s just about that for this week.

Coronation Street writers this week were David Lane, Peter Whalley, Joe Turner, Carmel “I’ve brought back Jackie Dobbs” Morgan and Martin Sterling


Witten by Glenda Young , writer of Coronation Street Weekly Updates for the internet since 1995.
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