Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. You find me in a state of disrepair this update - but it's always the way after a long holiday weekend full of drinking and carousing with the local Morris dancing cross-stitch society. Yes, I'm tired as I write this, I'm having a bad hair day and I look like I've been dressed by my mother in clothes that have just arrived from Empire Stores. But anyway, quickly and before I fall asleep, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.
There was a right carry on in the corner shop when Geena told Dev their relationship's over after she found out he had slept with Deirdre at Christmas. Dev's keen for Deirdre to keep schtum about it to save face for him but it starts to look bad for Deirdre and she can keep quiet no longer. Not content with putting up with Dev's remarks about her being desperate and drunk, she tells Geena the truth about their Christmas coitus. Dev's incensed that Deirdre has told Geena. "I've lost everything for a quick fu... mble" he shouts at Deirdre in the shop. "You make me physically sick!" Meanwhile, I'm shouting at the telly "Deirdre! Get the fu... mble out of there before he throws you out". Too late. "Get out!" he tells Deirdre. "You're sacked!". But how to tell Ken? Well, she hasn't, not yet. Much as my brother used to do when playing truant from school, Deirdre sets off on the morning, comes home on the evening and no-one's the wiser at home. Well, not until her from number six told my mother she'd seen truant son smoking in the Wimpy on a Thursday afternoon when he should have been making a pan stand in metalwork. Anyway, while Ken thinks she's out working, Deirdre spends all day in the cafe and Vera's face is a gem - curious and wondering but saying very little.
Also in the cafe, Roy is overjoyed that the council has allowed him a special dispensation to go ahead with his battle re-enactment on the red rec. He tries out an ancient recipe of calf shin stew (mixed with eye of newt, 200 gross of parsnips and a peasant's leg) to serve up on the day but it doesn't go down too well with the tasters. Ken says it's the worst thing he's ever tasted although Hayley eats every last drop.
Shelley tells Peter she wants him to take her shopping so he can buy her a jacket just like Posh Spice's. That'll be a visit to New Look then for a white nylon number at £14.99 because no matter what she wears or how much it costs, that's what Posh? (Pish!) Spice always looks like she's wearing. As they head out to the shops Shelley checks that Peter has got his credit card with him: "If there's one thing I love more than you, it's your little flexible friend". Indeed. Never mind the quality just feel the credit limit, just don't bend it too much because it often snaps in half. Anyway, they set off for town in a Streetcars cab driven by Steve: "Driver!" "What?" "The Shops!", and when he picks them up later Shelley's wearing her new jacket. It's the first time she's worn it so gets rather upset to find she's sat on some chewing gum which has stuck to her new coat. But when Peter asks Steve to pay the dry cleaning bill, insisting the gum must have been on the seat in the cab, Steve refuses to pay up, insisting it wasn't. And then it all gets very manic and very, very funny. Steve goes to the bookies to place a 50p bet and ends up goaded by Peter and Blanche into betting £100 on a 5-1 win. As he and Karen sit in the cab listening to the race on the radio, geeing on their horse and riding along with the jockey (a wonderful scene), the horse comes in and Steve's quids in. Off he goes to the bookies to collect his £600 winnings but Peter refuses to pay until Steve pays Shelley's dry cleaning bill. "You pay me and I'll pay you. Your move, taxi-boy". Worse is still to come for Steve when he loses his betting slip and he can't believe Peter can hold out on paying up but after a word with seasoned gambler Jack, he finds out that gambling debts are not recoverable in law (no, I didn't know either). Not content to take this quietly, Steve spreads the news that Peter won't honour his win. He leads a revolt in the bookies and after a cry of "Everybody out!", Peter's left with Blanche as his only customer.
Gail and Dicky get cosy in the Rovers and he tells her he sees a rosy future ahead. That's all well and good but think of the thorns, the green-fly and the man next door chopping the head off your blooms.
The Peacocks continue to play happy families. Ashley's moved back into bed with Maxine and seems to accept baby Josh as his own. Fred's taken over as temporary licensee at the Rovers and refuses to take telephone calls from Eve when she rings him at the pub.
And that's just about that for this week.
Glenda
Here we are again with another weekly update, it comes round quick doesn't it? Regular readers will know I graduated last year as a mature student and now I'm happy to tell you I'm hoping to start a Masters course later this year. Only this time I plan to study part-time so I can keep on working; three years on the undergrad course without working meant living on beans and pot noodle and I don't want to go there ever again. And so, as my brain creaks into gear once more, let's have no further ado and here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.I saw that Mike Leigh in our Safeway the other week, I really did. The reason I tell you this is that there's been secrets and lies (geddit?) in the Barlow's this week when Deirdre tells Ken she's been sacked from the shop although she doesn't tell him why. Sunita calls on Deirdre to say that Dev's spreading tales that Deirdre poisoned Geena towards him and Deirdre storms right in there to have a few words with Dev. She tells him that if he won't stop telling lies about her, she'll simply start telling the truth about him. And before you know what's happened, he gives her her job back. Confused? You will be, and I was. Has Deirdre got no pride? Has Dev got no sense? Have the Tunnocks been given an action shot this week? Oh yes, indeed they have as they went from shelf to hand to basket when Molly picked them from obscurity to a starring biscuit role. They got a round of applause in our house.
So while Deirdre's sorting out her own problems, Ken's got worries too as pupil Aiden Critchley continues to give him a hard time at school. If Ken was younger, would he have handled it differently? It's starting to get him down, especially when his car gets vandalised and Critchley is number one suspect. Ken goes round to see Aiden's dad, but when he answers the door with cheap lager in his hand it's obvious Ken's going to get nowhere with him. When a shopping trolley full of rubbish turns up outside Barlow's front door at home, Ken's livid, Deirdre's confused and Peter storms off to sort out Aidan's dad.
At the betting shop all is sorted out when Karen finds the missing betting slip underneath the sofa. (Although if it had turned up in her peg bag, much like something I lost and found this week, it would have been funnier still or am I the only person to have a peg bag these days and have I just embarrassed myself hugely?). Steve wants to make Peter sweat and won't let Karen take the betting slip to the bookies but she can't wait to get her mits on the money. She shows Peter the betting slip and reminds him that his customers are staying away from the bookies so in a fine display in the Rovers, Peter pays Steve his money and reminds the punters that their local honest bookie is still open for business.
Eve shows her face this week when she turns up in the Rovers to see Fred. "Send 'er through" he sighs but the smile soon leaves Eve's face when she finds Mike in the back room with Fred. And a good job he is too. Fred wavers, his emotions all over the place but Mike stands firm and reminds Fred what he's up against. What Eve wants is the Rovers. After all, she says, it's her name above the door. But what legal name would that be - Eve Elliott or Eve Sykes? Mike's already been on the phone to his lawyer who tells him Fred's got a good case for keeping the Rovers as Eve has broken the law with her bigamy. Fred offers Eve money to give her a fresh start but Mike tells him he doesn't have to do that. "I do" he says, downcast. "It's in me nature." And then it should have gone: "That's big 'o yer" says Mike. "Big 'o me?" says Fred. And so Eve turns to leave and walk out of the Rovers but before she does, she wavers. She tugs at her wedding ring as if the emotion is too much but you know, you just know, she isn't going to leave it behind, not when she could get at least £20 in Cash Generators for it. But Fred's a broken man. In the back room of the Rovers in tears and a vest with a whisky in his hand, Audrey visits then Ashley to remind him he's not alone.
At the Platts, Richard's ex-wife Patricia turns up wanting to cash in her share of the business which she reckons is worth about £30,000. After some haggling and vitriol, they agree on £25,000 and Richard gives her a cheque and waves her out of his life. Meanwhile, the Duckies ask Dicky for advice on their dosh but Dicky does his best to ignore them, assuming they've got no money to spend.
And finally this week, Molly's miffed when she cooks a meal for Kevin only for it to grow cold and stale as he spends a happy hour in the Rovers chatting and drinking with Sally.
And that's just about that for this week.
Glenda
Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. This week I have been spending much time in the garden but not weeding and hoe-ing, raking and pruning, oh no. I have been on slug patrol. I've been standing in the soil in the dead of night waiting for the little buggers to come out of wherever it is they hide so that they can eat my flowers and veg. I'm camouflaged of course, ready and waiting for them with salt, with beer, with saucers of milk, anything to tempt them towards me so that I can pick them up and fling them over the neighbour's fence. But still, they come and still they're eating my stuff and if anyone has a guaranteed way to get rid of slugs and snails from the garden, please email me. I've never had such a wonderful garden before and therefore haven't been interested in gardening as much so have never noticed what determined, destructive little critters these are. But without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update where there's been one very definite slug....Yes, Richard's at it again, fobbing off ex-wife Patricia when she comes calling for the money she's legally owed for her share of Kellett Holdings. Gail assumes Patricia's being a pest, she doesn't know Richard hasn't paid up and gets shirty with his ex when she knocks on Gail's door. But Richard's got problems, he can't pay up because the flats he's rebuilding need an injection of cash. The underpinning has gone and the frontage is subsiding (much like a Wonderbra I once bought). Fortunately for Richard and unlucky for the Duckies, Jack and Vera have just invested with the Street's financial wizard, although they never expected he'd make their money disappear so quickly. With the Duckies twenty grand in hand (Vera: "Do we get us own portillo?") Richard uses the money to pay Steve for the building works, he's clearly not ready to give it to his ex. But Patricia won't be put off easily, she wants her cash and she wants it now. The only thing Richard can offer her is proof that he's in financial trouble so he takes her to see the state of the flats. "Let's argue and push each other about over by that big hole in the ground" he says. Well, he didn't say that but he almost could have done as it was blatantly signposted (the storyline, not the hole. If the hole had been signposted Patricia wouldn't have ended up dead! yes dead! at the bottom). In a scene that made me gasp (honestly, I did a sharp intake of breath!) Patricia tells Richard she'll expose his fraudulent ways - she'll tell Gail, the police, his clients, that fella with the gammy leg that lives at number 10. Richard doesn't like what he's hearing and the next thing you know, he's picked up a shovel, whacked Patricia over the head and she's lying there dead at the bottom of the hole. Not a good way to cement a divorce and Richard will have a concrete alibi, no doubt.
Maria and Toyah set off for a few days in Blackpool in a caravan that belongs to Maria's uncle. Meanwhile Kirk, Jason, Tyrone and Fiz turn up there too looking for a few days of sun, sand, sea and a storyline. When space becomes tight in the van and Maria can no longer stand being near fat Fiz: "Shut up and get back to your fry-up", Maria and Toyah throw out Fiz and the lads who break into an empty neighbouring van. When Toyah meets a Croatian called Goran who works behind the bar, it's clear she's forgotten that love on a campsite is always doomed to failure - remember Janice and that Welsh bloke? Their eyes meet across the bingo caller: "Can I 'ave a birruv 'ush, please?" and after a snog and a compliment, Toyah falls in love. Maria and Tyrone head to the top of the tower, separately, to reminisce about the whats, ifs and buts. Surprised to see each other, they end up talking over the good times and almost get to snogging before a group of noisy school kids interrupt them. On the pier, Jason and Kirk meet a couple of bland blondes and with erect flakes in their cones from Mr Chuff's Ice Cream, they do their best to chat them up, while appearing not to care.
Molly and Kev split up this week after she told him she wasn't going to come second best to Sally. Kev, being a bloke, can't understand what's going on. He's not in love with his ex, is he? Perhaps he is, is he? And Sally still doesn't love Kev, does she? Good one Molly, at least she can see what's going on so moves on out of the flat and tells Gail she's applying for a new job elsewhere.
Roy's trying to rally support for his roundheads and cavaliers shindig (as Fred has renamed the historical re-enactment of the battle of the red rec). And Roy being Roy, he's taking it all too seriously, aware that he may at any time disappear up his own cul-de-sac. At a meeting in the cafe, Fred wants to liven up the event with pies and ales and the good name of Elliot all over the place as number one sponsor but Roy is less keen. At the meeting, Fred wants a beer tent, Norris wants to discuss chemical toilets vs privvies and two extras look shifty at the back.
And that is just about that for this week.
Glenda
Greetings and welcome to another weekly update and a million thanks for all your suggestions on the best way to clear my garden of slugs. I tried all the suggested methods; drown them in beer / explode their guts out with bran / sprinkle salt on them in the dead of night. And sure, some of your ideas worked, I caught one or two and thought I was doing pretty good until I succumbed to the chemicals and bought some slug pullets. My garden now looks like a nuclear warzone, dead molluscs are everywhere. In the last two days more than 50 slugs and snails have slithered off this mortal coil into my soil. Now I just have to pluck up the courage to pick up the carcasses. But before I do any of that, without any further ado and with a cup of tea and some homemade treacle tart, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.In the factory there were duelling banjos on the sewing machines when Karen and Janice fought for Mike's attention. He's looking for a new manager and both think they're in with a chance but neither of them compare with an ex-con who's been inside for fraud. Enter Joe Carter, good enough looking geezer 'spose, bit dodgy, little bit whey, little bit woo but he's got the Street's women falling over him already. He's got a look about him of that Vegas magician bloke, David Copperfield, he's all dark skin, dark eyes and vanishing aeroplanes. Karen tries to trap him in the factory by saying her machine has broken down but he mends it, tells her to stop it, and clearly marks her card. I love that expression, me. Dev is clearly not amused that with Joe's arrival he is no longer the stud of the cobbles.
Richard breathes a sigh of relief when Patricia's body gets covered in concrete at the building site. He thinks he's safe until Steve finds a silver bangle close to where the concrete's been poured. Richard fobs him off with a lie about it belonging to some women he's showed round and when Gail finds it in his pocket later as she's sorting things out for dry cleaning, he fobs her off too saying it was an heirloom, a wedding present to her, that's why he's upset she's found it. More family friction at the Platts when Sarah decides her life is like, just so boring? And Candice is like yeah, so? And yadda yadda, teenage mum stuff, you get the picture, I'm sure.
There's been more wonderful dialogue this week especially from Norris who must be just a writer's dream, his delivery is great stuff. Roy's historic battle re-enactment which Fred has been edging his way into has become more of a Fred vs Roy fight than an historical event. Fred wants things done his way, injecting more humour and action into the event while Roy wants it done proper, historic, authentic. And Norris? He turns from Roy's camp to Fred's with the lure of a fancy costume, a pie and free ale. "If you can't fight, wear a big hat. It's a saying round our way," Norris opines in the cafe. Fred tells Maxine and Ashley he's been thinking of roles for each of them to play in the battle. "I've been cultivating my personae dramatis" he says. "Are you entering a flower show?" asks Max. Fred casts Ashley as the dashing Prince Rupert, Maxine as a maid in distress, himself as Earl of Lindsey and Norris as Lindsey de Paul (just kidding, he's the Earl of Beaulieu. With ostrich feathers). Roy is clearly disappointed that no one wants to take the event as seriously as he although Hayley's doing her best to cheer him on. After he bars Norris from the cafe he storms out and returns home later with a long pointy stick with a thing on the end. I don't know what it was but you can bet your life it was authentic.
In Blackpool this week it was all a bit dull really. Goran the Croatian proposed marriage to Toyah but she saw sense and told him no. However, she didn't forget her training from Spider and tried to make up for his marital disappointment by saying she'd start a campaign for him instead - Save the Whorey Ground Wort Mark II?. Fiz ended up telling fortunes on the pier as well as getting arrested when the owners of the caravan Kirk had broken into turned up. Kirk and Jason scored with the bland blondes and while I can't vouch for the fact that the earth moved for them, I'm sure the caravan must have rocked a bit. They always do.
And that's just about that for this week.
Glenda