I really ought to check these things out thoroughly before I agree to them. No problem, I thought, I've done weekly updates before it shouldn't take me long. That was before I realised that the week that had been selected for me had 7, yes seven, episodes as part of the build up to the 40th birthday. It's been great watching it and writing the update but it's taken quite a while, especially with a PC that keeps deciding it's overheating. There's a lot to get through so let's get started.
Vera is desperate to try and find her wayward son Terry so that he can be tested to see if he is compatible for donating a kidney to the son he's never seen. Help is at hand though as Curly tells Emma about Vera's situation and she bends the rules with the vehicle licensing agency computer and turns up an address in Huddersfield. Tyrone drives Jack over the Pennines to try and find him and after waiting outside his flat for several hours, he eventually comes home. Unsurprisingly enough Terry couldn't give a damn about Paul and Tyrone and Jack head back to Weatherfield but agree not to tell Vera that they found him as Jack doesn't want to hurt her again. Meanwhile Vera has been to the hospital to see her grandson and while there she's had some tests to see if she could be a kidney donor. The news comes through that Vera is a tissue match for Paul and Jack pleads with her not to go through with it but she insists. Jack goes back to see Terry to have another try to convince him to help his son but even though his mother is taking the risk of a serious operation, he won't give an inch. Jack then tries the only thing left that could possibly change his mind and offers him money. They haggle a bit and Terry agrees to sell his kidney for £25,000 if the tests are ok. When Terry arrives at the hospital to be tested, he makes out that he's doing it for his mam and Jack keeps quiet about the money. The tests show that Terry is a match, the operation is scheduled for the following day and Vera is over the moon as her belief in her son is restored.
On the day of the operation, Terry goes to see Paul and his mother, Andrea and he acts as though he cares but later on Terry insists on having the money up front and so Jack rushes off to the bank and returns with the deposit receipt. At this point you might have thought that Jack would stick to Terry like a limpet to make sure he goes through with it but after telling him what contempt he holds him in, he walks out. With the coast clear, Terry does a runner. Vera chases after him only to see him disappear in a taxi. Vera has her heart broken by her feckless son yet again and Jack comes clean with her about the money. 'Who wants to believe that their own son is a monster' she says. For the third time Tyrone and Jack head over to god's own country to talk to Terry. He says he's not proud of what he's done but he was scared and as most of the money is spoken for to pay off his debts, the most that his parents are likely to get back off him is a couple of grand. They return to give Vera and Andrea the bad news and Vera again offers her kidney for Paul. Jack thinks that such an operation at her age would be too much and the risks are too high but Vera is adamant and so reluctantly Jack agrees to support her even if he doesn't agree with her. Jack is worried sick about what might happen to his beloved wife and while she is as well, she puts on a brave face. Tyrone is worried too but Curly has a word with him and tells him he has to be strong for Vera. Vera is worried about what might happen if anything goes wrong and so she writes down what she wants to happen should the worst happen and makes Jack take the letter even though he cries as he tells her he doesn't want to think about such a consequence.
Roy and Hayley have their first visit from the social services to assess their suitability for adoption. Mr Hartnell brings up the question of what they'll tell any child they adopt about Hayley's past. This gives them lots to think about and Hayley seems to be having second thoughts. But by the time the next visit is due her worries seem to have left her and she's more concerned that Roy is spending more time trying to organise the locals into fighting against the planned removal of the cobblestones from Coronation Street.
Audrey - 'Those cobbles are a liability.' Roy - 'Only for those who choose inappropriate footwear.'
Ken has been trying to drum up support for the campaign as well but not even Deirdre is enthusiastic. He contacts 'Northern Heritage' who tell him that they'll have to lobby the Conservation Officer at the council and come up with some good reasons for keeping the cobbles. When the plan is brought forward, a mass meeting at The Rovers launches the SOS (Save Our Street) campaign. Les, who is now working for the council, tells Janice that they are wasting their time fighting the inevitable and that the work will be starting in a couple of days time.
Natalie is expecting a present on Valentine's Day and it's not flowers or chocolates. She tells Liz that she's pregnant, Vinnie is the father and she wants to keep it quiet, though quite how she'll manage it is anybody's guess given the size of her bump. Pretty soon she's told the staff at the pub and before you can say floccinaucinihilipilification everybody knows about it and they're all, except Sally of course, congratulating her.
With the medical centre about to open, Sarah-Louise's plans to go out with Glen again are thwarted as she has to stay home and look after Bethany while Gail goes for a guided tour of the new facilities. They rearrange the date and Sarah-Louise gets Hayley to babysit for her but when Glen turns up at the house to pick her up, Sarah-Louise tells him that the baby is Hayley's. Hayley is none too pleased and she tells Sarah-Louise that she has to be honest with Glen about Bethany and with her mam about Glen. Gail meanwhile is all excited about her new job at the Rosamund Street Medical Centre (and to think it used to be The Graffiti Club) which her mother has just declared open.
The new doctor, Matt Ramsden, and his wife Charlie, who is one of Sarah-Louise's teachers, move in to Natalie's house at number 6 and Maxine is straight in there to help, seeing an opportunity for social climbing with the professional couple next door. Matt seems happy to integrate into the community but Charlie is more reluctant and stand-offish. Blanche is certainly pleased with the idea of having a doctor living across the road as it means she knows where to go when the surgery is closed. She fell out with her last doctor when he asked her to leave his practice as she took up too much time. As if! With Maxine desperate to get pregnant she's upset that the decorators have arrived and after finding very little by way of help on fertility in the magazines in The Kabin (the look on Norris's face is a picture), she collars Matt in the cafe. He drops round some leaflets about fertility and the first thing Maxine does at home is to decide that she and Ashley will stop drinking.
Andy has arrived back for his parents' wedding and wastes no time in asking Toyah out on the town. They seem to hit it off and Andy has to sneak out of The Rovers early in the morning but with Andy going back to Barcelona after the nuptials the romance seems unlikely to flourish. He gives her his mobile phone number before he leaves which is something I suppose. Despite taking place in the big house the wedding goes off without a hitch. I'm sorry for those that are interested in such matters but I'm unable to describe, or even remember, Liz's wedding outfit, though it was surprisingly sober and without even a hint of animal print. With the wedding over the McDonald clan have more serious matters on their minds as Jim is in court the following day. Before the trial Jim's barrister thinks that he should only get a sentence of about 12 months but as the trial progresses things don't look good as the prosecution paint a pretty poor picture of him. There is a passionate plea from the defence, pointing out that he gave himself up, he's shown remorse and he's just signed up for a life sentence with Liz but this cuts no mustard with the judge who sends him down for 8 years. 'He should have got life' cries Jez's mother, 'Nuuuurrrr' screams Liz. Later on Steve points out to his mam that serving at least 4 years as a category B prisoner is going to be no picnic, even for his dad. Liz wants to lodge an appeal against the sentence but Jim doesn't seem too bothered. He offers her an annulment but she says she'll wait for him. With Jim now safely tucked away behind bars, Liz goes to see Natalie who immediately offers her her job back behind hers.
I don't know what's taken them so long but Dev and Geena seem to have finally realised that they are quite attracted to each other. He asks her out but heeding Natalie's warning about him, courtesy of her sister Debs, she turns him down. Undeterred by the knock back he asks her out to dinner again but she's still playing hard to get and says she'll have to check her diary (why do women play these stupid games?). She clearly fancies him, as does Bobbi (or was it Karen) - 'He's so smooth you could spread him on toast', so she goes round to the corner shop and asks Deirdre to tell him that she can make it tonight and she'll see him later in the Rovers. Quite what's going on in Deirdre's head at the moment is anybody's guess. She seems very protective towards her employer and even though she's clearly not in with a chance her eyes turn green the moment any woman shows an interest in him. She doesn't pass the message on and so Dev is quite surprised later in the pub when Geena asks if he's early at which point Deirdre passes on the message rather late. 'I know a really stylish Indian' he says 'and a good restaurant as well'. Natalie quizzes Geena the following day and she tells her that he was a perfect gentleman and that she rather likes him. Meanwhile Dev tells Deirdre that he thinks Geena is nice and Deirdre is all cut up again. For their next date they go for a game of squash (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more) which Dev wins and then they head off for a night out clubbing. The following morning Dev is very much the worse for wear but he has a big smile on his face and yet again Deirdre is green with envy. Geena isn't much use behind the bar either and Natalie thinks she's smitten. With such competition it's no surprise that we next see Deirdre preening herself in front of the mirror before going to work but it's all wasted as Dev only seems to have eyes for one person at the moment.
Things seem to be looking up for Duggie as he's tipped the wink by a friend at the council that his name isn't quite as muddy as it once was and so he tries to drum up the finance for a new project. Aware that Dev made a killing on the house he sold him, he tries touching him up for some money (he needs £75,000 in all) and after much brow-beating and after checking the business plan, Dev agrees to get involved.
Curly and Emma are busy planning their honeymoon and eventually plump for New York (why I don't know, it must bloody freezing at Christmas and New Year) but they have difficulty getting a flight. Toyah gives Emma the address of a website that a friend of hers used and by the magic of the internet a flight is duly booked. Isn't technology wonderful?
That's all from me for the moment and it's over to John for next week's gripping instalment which will include happenings on the excellent live 40th anniversary episode.
Barry Smith
Isn't it always the way? You wait ages for an update then three come along at once.
Les is discovered putting down cones in preparation for the Great Tarmac Laying. Curly visits Jack to express his sympathy. Meanwhile the Claytons gather round Vera's bedside to thank her, bringing with them some strange Elf-Child obviously strayed from the new Movie of Lord of the Rings. Duggie produces his Save Our Streets T-shirts in Roy's Rolls (a rather garish canary yellow for the most part, the rest in bilious green) and is miffed that everyone wants to know how much he's charging. He insists it is out of the goodness of his heart (Character Transplant Fairy alert).
Janice spills the beans to Toyah that the Tarmac gang are turning up early and Toyah rushes to tell Ken who rushes into the Rovers to whip the protesters into a frenzy. You remember that scene in High Noon when Gary Cooper goes into the Church to get help? And no-one gives a rats a**e about the dangers facing the town? It was just like that, everyone too busy finishing their drinks, Norris insisting on finishing his sandwich.
Meanwhile (choke) Vera goes to the Theatre (gasp). And they said Cats was booked up to 2003. No, seriously, it's time for THE KNIFE.
Natalie is chatted up by a free-lance consultant employed by Nuttalls, but purely in the line of duty. He is there to offer advice on how to improve profit margins. He is full of searching questions like 'Who works here?' (obviously too idle to check out the wages record) and he wants to know how old they are. Natalie is stumped over Betty Luv. ''20 to 30, 30 to 40?'' prompts Mr Consultant. ''Add them together and you're about right'' says Natalie. (BTW and OT, did you know that if you ask a consultant the time, he'll borrow your watch, look at it, tell you the time, give you your watch back and charge you 50 quid for labour?)
Roy and Hayley face the Social Worker who wants to know what were their first impressions of each other. Hayley's of Roy were that he needed a haircut, kept his money in a purse but gave her a romantic kiss by the boating lake. Roy is even more devastatingly honest. Hayley terrified him and, after learning she was trans-sexual, he thought she picked him to go out with because he was even more of a misfit than she was. Asked if he sees Hayley as a woman, Roy pulls the pin from the hand-grenade "No, not as a woman, more as a special person". His intentions are clearly good, he wants to make it clear his relationship is with the whole person, not just a sexual liaison. But Hayley is clearly not happy.
The residents finally pile out of the Rovers after Gary Cooper and build barricades. Les Miserables comes to Weatherfield. Meantime, Miserable Les puts out more cones (I say, rather neat turn of phrase, what?) Blanche draws on her experience as a Land Girl.
Back at the Hospital, the operation is deemed a success even though the patient is on the critical list. Vera has suffered an allergic reaction to the antibiotics and Jack is distraught.
The next episode is actually the re-broadcast of the very first episode. I am saved from a blow by blow account by Diane Johnston's excellent summary from the video.
But I can't resist a few observations. In the first segment we meet the new shopkeeper, Florrie Lindley, Elsie & Dennis Tanner, and the entire Barlow family. We learn Florrie's marital state, her predecessor's views on customer credit-worthiness, Dennis's prison record, Elsie's mid-life crisis, the inner tensions of the Barlows and the class warfare between Ken and his Dad. And all this in 8 minutes. They don't write them like that any more. When we rightly praise Tony Warren for creating the Street, it's easy to forget that it wasn't just his vision that worked, it was the quality, pace and humour of his writing.
Quite a shock when the adverts came on in colour. Even more of a shock when part two opens with a game of darts and, shock horror, they're not even playing on a Manchester Board!
And the piece of resistance, the immortal Ena Sharples offering her views on life, religion and eclairs. Complaining that they send you off to 'Moonlight and Roses' at the Crematorium but she intends to go to Crimmond. I bet the young Les Dawson was writing notes as fast as he could when he first saw this in 1960.
Incidentally, as with events such as the assassination of JFK, the Live Aid Concert and the fall of the Berlin Wall, I think this first show is defined by the way people remember where they were when they first saw it. I remember vividly I was in our parlour in front of the Television. Where were you?
The live episode starts in black & white with 2 kids playing, just like the original. The dark evening sky over Manchester doubles as the dark morning sky over Weatherfield - a clever piece of set design and cheap too.
Norris is quoting Churchill, Vera is in Intensive care singing a little 'beep beep' song to herself. Tyrone and Maria are watching her through the observation window (They seem to think it's a kind of telly). The Nurse tells Jack to go home as Vee is 'critical but stable'.
I love this PR speak. Whenever I see a headline like 'Crash victim critical in hospital' I have an image of someone sitting up in bed going - 'That van was going too fast, and the council never repaired that tarmac, and the red light changes too fast, and the street lights are positively dim..'
Rita puts out a placard declaring Prince Charles is to visit Weatherfield. Audrey turns up to boast she's having lunch with Prince Charles. What are they trying to tell us?
Hayley reproaches Roy with telling the Social Worker he didn't see Hayley as a woman. Roy takes this as a compliment to the SW's being easy to talk to. Oh Dear.
Martin comes across Tyrone and Maria holding the fort and goes bananas when he hears Jack has been sent home. It's like that scene in the Godfather where the Don is discovered all alone in the ward and it's a race against time to get the Family to come and protect him. Unfortunately, Curly takes Tyrone's phone call in the Kabin, Norris overhears and adds two and three to make eight point seven three one. Curly goes to give Jack a lift to the hospital and is the unwilling witness to Jack's reading Vera's 'last will and testament' letter. She wants to be buried near her mother (as Jack says, no problem there - no-one else wanted to be buried near the old *****) plus she admits to an affair at a time when it puts in doubt whether Terry is Jack's son or not.
News arrives that the tarmac gang are on their way back with an injunction. A discussion in Roy's Rolls is led by Roy fearing the game is up. Various customers point out to him that they have time on their side as they don't tarmac at night, what with tarmac being black and therefore invisible when there's no sunshine. Though, strangely, night-time is exactly when the gang *do* turn up.
Jack is explaining to Curly that he already knew of the affair (and stopped it by battering the boy-friend, unbeknowns to Vee) and he has no doubt he's Terry's father - 'He reminds me too much of me' - when Emily arrives having been at the end of the line from Norris's bush telegraph and announces how sorry she is about Vera's death.
Worth mentioning here that, while there were many good performances, Bill Tarmey in particular played a scorcher.
In the Rovers, Eileen is extolling the virtues of the cobbles. She's very attached to them 'having crawled over them so often after a skinful'. Hayley wants Janice to say how many women work in the sewing room. 'Eight' says Janice. 'Including me?' asks Hayley. Awww.
Norris has taken to the brandy after inventing the tragic news and the story of Vera's death spreads round the Rovers (interesting visual of gossip in action) but Jack & Curly find at the hospital that Vera is still singing the 'beep beep' song. Curly & Emily tackle Norris who claims he was misled because Curly answered the phone 'in a funereal manner'. 'But I always talk like that' says Norman (in a funereal voice).
Audrey is back from lunch with you-know-who and the tarmac layers are due in half an hour. A light bulb appears over Eileen's head and goes 'ping!'. She whispers something to Dennis.
Those of you lacking strong stomachs, look away now. Terry turns up and sobs apologies over Vera's comatose body 'I've been a miserable selfish lying coward' and when asked if he is a member of the family replies 'I used to be' (retch) (and wretch, for that matter).
OK, you can look now. Sarah tells Hayley she wishes she had parents like her and Roy. (gulp) An empty taxi arrives and Peter Barlow steps out. Protesters link arms as the Police advance with a Court Order followed by the men that lay the hot asphalt. As the old song says :- 'We laid it in the hollows and we laid it on the flat If it doesn't last forever sure I swear I'll eat my hat For I've wandered all around the world and sure I've never felt Any surface that was equal to the hot asphalt.'
But what's this a t the other end of the street? 'Ten Four Rubber Duck that's negatory. Land Sakes, looks like we got us a Con-voy' Easy riders Eileen and Dennis gun their big chopper up the street followed by a fleet of taxis. (Who' s driving these taxis? Gary's left, Les hasn't started, Steve's on foot and Vik isn't in this program. Hmm) More important, are the meters running? More important still, can anyone pick up a minor Royal at the end of Rosamund Street. We'll be there in ten minutes...
The TV news comes on (this is on the show, not in my house. Well, it did come on in my house but it was on the other channel and I'm watching Coronation Street which is where the TV news has come on. If you see what I mean) Trevor MacDonald announces HRH's visit to Weatherfield and shows him meeting Camilla Potter-Roberts. In a trice his masculine arms are around her slender frame, his thick rubbery lips brush against her china-doll mouth, he tugs the flimsy material of her blouse... (Actually, I made the last bit up). The evening paper has pictures of Prince Charles with Audrey. What are they trying to tell us?
We learn that Peter has just finished his twenty year hitch in the Navy, lately in HM Submarine Service, and his wife Jessica has dumped him. He must have been under water a long time because he makes a bee-line for Linda, who doesn't trouble to tell him she's a married woman.
Hayley tackles Roy - does he see her as a woman? Roy offers the excuse 'I was only being honest'. The failure of this line tells us two things. Roy has never taken the 'New Husbands guide to Married Conversation' at Night School and Hayley's sex-change operation was a total success. She asks Roy point-blank 'Am I a woman, yes or no?' Philosophically, the ability to ask such a question is itself an infallible indicator that the speaker is indeed female, but Roy has dug his grave five foot down and with anorak thoroughness insists on shovelling through the last foot. 'No'
David Platt takes the occasion as licence to cheek the Police Sergeant - 'Hey (hey) You (you) get offa my Street.'
Ken is frantically typing up a phoney conservation order on his lap-top. Duggie is going to arrange a false letter-head and posh paper.
Back at the Hospital (I tell you, this was a frantic episode) Vera opens her eyes and speaks. As she chats with Jack, Terry looks on through the window, smiles and steals away. 'Steal' is the operative word as he still has the 25 large he conned from Jack.
Back at the Rovers, Liz has gone on heat and rubs herself every time she goes past Peter. Janice marks Linda's card that Mike was married to Peter's sister, Deirdre marks Peter's card that Linda is married to the Barlows' hereditary enemy.
Roy goes home to an empty flat and a note from the departed Hayley I couldn't tell you what, if anything, he said as Mrs Dean next to me started howling 'N-o-o-o-o-o N-o-o-o-o' in my ear and digging her nails into my arm so I missed a bit.
Nobby Holder (I know, I know, it's Noddy. I just like the sound of the made-up version) turns up with the 'preservation order' and shouts 'Merry Christmas Everyone'. Everyone celebrates, except Roy who's making his solitary way through the crowd, and Natalie who's decided to sell the Rovers.
And Ken gives a 'God Bless us Everyone' speech that, cunningly, says as much about the importance of Coronation Street the programme as it does about Coronation Street the Street.
What a cracker!
In the cold light of dawn Roy re-reads Hayley's note and Duggie confesses to Fred the 'Preservation Order' was a scam while Ken has a crisis of conscience over his forgery. Hayley has washed up at Audrey's to Alma and is having a heart to heart with St Alma who suggests she should talk to Roy.
Natalie announces to her staff she is selling the Rovers (or 'Rov-vers' as Liz has taken to calling it) to the 'Boozy' chain of pubs. It will become the 'Boozy Newt'.
Les is scrubbing the cobbles (Why?) while Janice mocks him. When he goes into the Caff, Les makes one of his typical 'sex-change' jokes. Roy loses it and orders him out. Total shocker to see mild-mannered Roy Cropper turn into the Demon King, and totally credible. He shuts the caf early and opens his heart to Toyah who suggests he should talk to Hayley.
Peter compliments Deirdre on her cooking. On the submarine all he got was out of packets and cans. Is that a blush on Deirdre's 'I get all my ingredients from the corner shop freezer' cheek?
Liz is sharing her experiences of the Boozy chain with her co-workers. She frequented the 'Boozy Bishop' which had a Vicars and Tarts theme. (Look, this is like shooting fish in a barrel. For once, make up your own jokes.)
Toyah discovers Hayley's whereabouts and phones Roy.
Vera asks Jack about the envelope with her dying wishes. Jack tells her he threw it away, unopened. (See, Roy, this is how a pro handles it). Vera says she's go through the operation again if she had to. Jack points out that, with only one kidney left, this would be unwise.
Roy goes round to Alma's - Hayley being out - and confides he loves Hayley and being without her is an agony he can't bear.
BettyLuv, after a morning of turning beer sour by looking at it, announces to the pub that the Rovers is to become the Boozy Newt. And walks out in protest.
Peter is settled into the Barlows, crashing out on the sofa to the annoyance of Blanche and Deirdre who have to negotiate the obstacle course of his discarded clothing each morning. Ken, of course, will hear no evil.
David is having fun annoying Sarah. He tells Gail 'Girls are mad'. 'Are we?' asked the Gerbil. 'Not you, you're a Mum.' 'So's Sarah a Mum' 'You're confusing me.' Gail laughing and joking? Scary - like when she was being nice to martin after finding out his affair.
Roy's hacking himself to bits in the caf and Toyah is supplying the Elastoplast from the dwindling stock in the First Aid Box. 'I'm all fingers and thumbs' he confesses. well, not for much longer if he doesn't concentrate on the cutlery. His fingers and thumbs are going to be conspicuous by their absence. Meantime, back at Underworld, Hayley is mixing up the teas and sugars. She confides in Janice she and Roy have had a row. Janice is the model of empathetic understanding - 'Great. Welcome to the real world'.
Patrons in the Rovers are bemoaning the loss of their favourite hot-pot maker. Not to Worry, says Toyah, Betty's left 10 years supply in the freezer.
Gail gets praise from the new Nurse for 're-organising the files'. (Hang on, the Health Centre's been open a matter of days. There's scarcely been time to *organise* the files, let alone re-organise. And I thought it was all computerised? Hence Gail's course)
Roy hands around outside Underworld with a bunch of flowers and Hayley agrees to come round after work to talk.
Dev is now sharing *his* experience of the Boozy chain - the 'Boozy Bunny' in Birmingham where the staff allegedly wear little floppy ears and cotton wool tails. Toyah is taken in and Dev suggests the Newt uniform will be a green catsuit with scales and a fake tail.
Tyrone takes a bunch of grapes in to Vera who complains they aren't seedless (Vera obviously doesn't know how much the robbers are charging for seedless grapes at the moment). She decides she'll give the seeded grapes to 'Her at the end' who likes spitting the pips at the Doctors. (Must remember that for my next visit)
Sarah's new boyfriend, Glen, taunts her that he now knows the phone number she tried to keep from him because he dialled 1471 after she rang him. Sarah is mortified and makes him swear he'll never ring her at home. (You note how this 1471 thing has ruined many a standard soap plot, in addition to requiring additional dialogue from the writers in case the audience are screaming '1471' at the set. And yet Sarah could have prefixed Glen's number with 141 and all would have been well. Time for the writers to subscribe to uk.telecom)
David catches Glen using his tongue to inspect Sarah's throat for nodules. He reckons he now has the perfect blackmail set-up - Gail doesn't know about Glen and Glen doesn't know about Bethany.
Hayley turns up for the talk with Roy but Toyah has broken the tap and there is water everywhere, soaking Roy as he tries to block the flow (if any of you are inclined to make up a punchline involving the words 'finger' and 'dike', be my guest). Hayley walks out and the Social Worker turns up. Roy vainly tries to lie but, lacking practice, cocks it up. The Social Worker leaves him with a 'Don't call us, we'll call you message'
And so we come to the end of the week. I hope you've all enjoyed my little show. Good-bye and I love you all.
John Dean -- Oxford
PS - Seeing Episode One again put me in mind of a posting Glenda did a while back pointing out the age differences between the actors playing certain types of role then and now. It was an interesting reflection of attitudes then and now &, I think, bears repeating.
In the first episode, Ena, Minnie and Martha (the actors playing them) were 62, 63 and 46 respectively. Today Rita, Alma and Vera (again, the actors) are 67, 65 and 61. Florrie Lindley was younger (38) than Deirdre is now (46). Elsie Tanner was 37 to Liz MacDonald's 42.
PPS Since Glenda fell down the cellar steps and banged her head while attempting to carry up an Economy Size Box of Australian Chianti, she's been a bit remiss in updating the FAQ. The graphs on time series analysis, frequency distribution and chi-squared tests over which I laboured so long and lovingly are still in her in-tray. So a quick comparison :-
Episode One Pt One 8 minutes 12 seconds, Pt Two 15 minutes 11 seconds -- Total 23 minutes 23 seconds
Modern Episode Mean Times:- Pt One 9 minutes 9 seconds, Pt Two 13 minutes 14 seconds -- Total 22 minutes 23 seconds.
The standard deviation information is lost for eternity on a floppy disk last glimpsed amongst the coal in Glenda's bath
Er, I'll get me anorak.
Hi folks! Greetings of the season to you all. My guest updater this week is Janet Penny from Yorkshire, so give her a big hand and a warm smile and direct your compliments direct to her at janet.penny@polk.co.uk.
I'll be back next week to take the update reins once again but until then, have a very merry Christmas - Glenda ;-)
Heigh ho everybody and welcome to another edition of the Corrie Update from Yorkshire, home to the famous puddings. A special "Merry Crimbo" to all my lovely new friends who contacted me after my last update, particularly the gang from New Zealand (let's face it, the rest of the world tends to forget Kiwis, but I am quite partial to a nice bit of roast lamb!). So, fasten your seatbelts the week of 13-18 December has been a particularly bumpy road.
Hayley has not been able to sleep well over chez Audrey's and confides to Alma that she is going to stop at the Café to sort things out with Roy. A queue is starting to form outside the unopened Roy's Rolls as Sarah Lou and Candice debate the nutritional merits of muesli vs. crisps for brekkie. The Platt family blackmailer wanders over and demands his hush money. Candice is appalled that Sarah Lou puts up with it and suggests that the right thing to do is to tell both Gail and Glen the truth and put David out of business. However, that would obviously ruin the plot line, so Sarah Lou refuses and off they go to break their fast at the Kabin.
Next Duggie, then Janice and Blanche come in search of a full English. Blanche appears to be particularly miffed; cheers erupted from our house when Mrs. Battersby told her to go home and stop whinging! Along comes Hayley into the maelstrom to discover that Roy has gone missing. There's no note and so in a tizz, she tracks Gail down to the Corner Shop for her suggestions. Unfortunately, the woman who makes Roseanne Barr look like the Queen Mum, has taken her litany of complaints to the same location. I did think the moaning about standing around in sub-zero temperatures was stretching things a bit (our roses are about to bloom again in all the mild weather we're currently having). If she really wants to experience sub-zero temperatures, she should go to Canada in February! As for pensioners dying every winter in want of a hot meal you're in a corner shop, woman buy an egg and cook it yourself! In between the diatribe, Gail manages to interject a proposal that Hayley look in Roy's "special place". And here was me thinking they were just work-mates!
There he is, sitting beside the river where the two lovebirds exchanged their first kiss. Hankies out as Roy berates himself for hurting Hayley and ruining their chances of becoming foster parents. Personally, I believe it's not so much Roy's blurting out about Hayley leaving him as the social worker finding out about Roy's plan to attach stretch elastic to the children so he can't lose them. Both admit they are miserable without each other and they set off home for some hot cocoa and tree decorating.
In a very minimal scene, the other nurse who works in Weatherfield General in order to give Martin a day off wheels Vera in to see newly-found grandson Paul. Cue Andrea to dissolve in tears yet again. Let's hope she and Kevin Webster never get together to produce children as they'd constantly be weeping.
The second mini-storyline concerns Maxine and Ashley's attempts to start up their baby factory. Disappointed that she hasn't yet conceived, Max decides it's because of the twin demons, lager and wine. So, they are out, orange juice is in. She even goes so far as to pour the booze down the drain. Ashley barely manages to save the £57 bottle of scotch he has bought for Fred for Christmas from the same fate.
Those two empty carrier bags in the wheelie bin of life, Ken and Deirdre, are frantic as they search for her lost keys. Peter has flung his clothes all over the living/dining room (which I must admit puzzled me somewhat as he appears to be finally sleeping in the front room) and Ken finds them under his shirt (not his shirt, but Peter's discarded one, you understand). Whilst she intends to spend the day drooling at Dev, Deirdre insists that Ken introduce Peter to the joys of hoovering and clothes folding.
Sarah Lou confides to Candice that she has invited Glen over on Friday as both Gail and David will be out. Candice asks if this will be the time she divulges the truth about Bethany. Apparently not. Sarah Lou will pretend that she is babysitting as she's already told him that Bethany is Hayley's baby. Candice points out that's not a very romantic idea. So, on to Plan B.
Sarah Lou invites herself over to Martin's for the evening. He is dead chuffed and gets in a few curries and a video. Sarah Lou thrusts Bethany at him, saying that she has to go over to Candice who is in a lot of pain because her boyfriend has just dumped her. Oh, and by the way, Bethany needs her diaper changed, but she didn't bring any with her. Before he can say "Hold the poppadoms", off she scampers to snuggle up to Glen on the sofa at home. Naturally, the only shop in Weatherfield which stocks diapers is the one on Coronation Street. As Martin comes out, he notices the light on at Number 10. Knowing everyone is out, he comes over to check it out. Luckily he has kept hold of his key so he can interrupt Sarah Lou and Glen mid-snog. Whilst Glen watches them battle it out like some demented spectator at a tennis match, Martin has pretty much sussed the situation. Holding Bethany out he issues the final challenge "What's the matter, Sarah. Don't you want to hold your baby?" Glen disappears into the night, never to be seen again (at least this week).
Later on, Gail has a go at Martin for letting Sarah have a boy round. Typical (readers may have noticed that she is not one of my favourite characters!). She finally listens to Martin's protests that he was lied to as well. What bothers him is not Glen, but the fact that Sarah Lou is denying Bethany's existence as her daughter and possibly causing all sorts of emotional damage later on in life.
Later on, Gail walks into the room as Sarah sits with Bethany moping about how miserable her life is. Sarah Lou immediately goes on the defensive, screaming that Gail probably wants to check her room to see if there's a lad there. She jumps up and thrusts Bethany at her mother, because, let's face it, it's not that easy to stomp up the stairs with a baby in your arms.
Audrey has a heart-to-heart with Sarah Lou, telling her about how it was in the bad old days when the Blanche Hunts of the world were everywhere. Sarah doesn't seem especially convinced as she points out that Audrey's procreations did take place a few years later in life. Sarah just wants to live the life of a teenager.
Gail tries to make amends with Martin. Her solution to avoid the children playing them off one against the other is to become friends. Pulleeze! Glint in her eye as she invites him round for Christmas dinner. Martin has other plans, however - he's volunteered to work at the hospital (probably to give that female nurse a break).
It's also Tyrone's 18th birthday this week. Cheers all round as Kev raises his salary by 25 quid per week and he gets his first legal drink in the Rovers. Maria presents him with a watch and promises him a night he'll never forget! They start out in a posh Indian restaurant (one with tablecloths and everything!), then Maria adroitly manoeuvres them to a nearby hotel where she has reserved a room. Tyrone is a bit uncomfortable and when the clerk asks for their name, answers "Dobbs" as Maria responds "Duckworth". It's all too much for Tyrone and he flees, Glen-like, into the night. Oh, Maria, luv. I would have thought you would have learned from the last time you offered yourself to him on a plate. The next few times we see the two of them, Maria is attempting to apologise and Tyrone is still unnerved.
In the Rovers, news that the potential purchasers are none too impressed with the books reaches Natalie. Of course, they are looking for a cut in price of about 5,000. Now we understand where David Platt has been learning his trade. Natalie feels she has no option but to agree as she wants to sell quickly, but what I want to know just who this "consultant" is anyway, and why does he look like my cousin Tony? On his way out, Liz ambushes him to demand that he suggest her for the manager's job. Fearful that refusal might cause permanent ruptures within the inch and a half of wrinkle concealer, he agrees to submit her CV (aka resume in North America) to the Bozzy Whatsit people.
Natalie discusses the offer with Duggie who confides that if he had the money, he'd buy the place. She confesses that she would rather sell to him. We see the wheels turning in what passes for Duggie's brain. Exhausted by standing up for five minutes (and that not even in sub-zero temperatures), she retires for the night, leaving Liz to serve all fifty customers by herself and lock up for the night.
After his feeble attempts at irony are lost on Sarah Lou and Candice buying breakfast in the Kabin, Norris starts a petition against the "hostile takeover" of the Rovers. Red Ken is totally against the idea of a theme park pub, but Liz, petrified that she'll lose the only job she's ever wanted, refuses to sign. Peter Barlowe defends Liz's right to refuse.
Deirdre has been grumbling that Peter has barely been sober for five minutes. Ever the doting father, Ken reveals that Peter is having a hard time sleeping and so drinks himself into a drunken stupor each night to cope. At the Rovers, Liz confides in him about the impending promotion so he buys her a few drinks to celebrate. At the end of the night, Liz sends everyone home. Peter apparently doesn't realise that this includes him as he offers to help her clean up followed immediately by accidentally chucking a drink all over her.
Despite the dismal impression he has left (in more ways than one), he still fancies his chances, locks the door and puckers up. Liz, varying between anger and trembling fear (possibly mistaken by Peter for trembling lust) turns him down flat at least six times. He wonders what has happened to Weatherfield's friendliest barmaid as "she's been up for it all night". Little does he know that she always dresses like that. He sneers "There are words for women like you!" Mutton, dressed, lamb come immediately to mind though it's probably fair to say that "Foolish drunken sod" weren't too far behind. Liz confides all in Deirdre. Neck muscles all aquiver, Deirdre has it out with Peter. Looks like this is shaping up to be the usual happy family Christmas, then! Dev, bless his little cotton socks, comes up with a solution - Peter could move into the flat over the shop. It would certainly help him out as a potential deterrent to would-be burglars. Not if he spends all his time down at the Rovers, it won't! Deirdre immediately sees her chance "I suppose a hug is out of the question?" No, but anything else in your sordid little mind is!
All seem pleased that a workable solution has been found. Apart from Liz, that is, who doesn't believe that Deirdre should have made it easier for Peter to stay around rather than chasing him out of town with his tail between his legs. Peter, however, has made arrangements to visit Susan in Scotland at Christmas and coaxes Ken to lend him the car, the trains being what they are these days (point taken. Railtrack won't be winning any quality awards soon).
Spurred on by their recent partnership, Duggie approaches Dev to invest in the Rovers with him. He turns the offer down flat. Despondently entering the Rovers, he overhears Fred and Mike lamenting the loss of yet another of your quaint Olde Worlde pubs and has an alternative idea to prevent it becoming the Boozy Newt. Purchasing tonic water for himself, he sets about offering triple scotches in his bid to pull them into a (square?) deal. Many rounds later, the two agree to become part of the triumvirate.
Linda has a war of words with Liz. Mike notes that Liz is what a barmaid should look like. Stung by their recent encounter, Linda retorts "After 15 drinks, maybe!"
In the cold light of the following day, Fred and Mike wonder why, I say, why they thought they could run a pub. Spurred on by Linda with more drinks courtesy of Duggie, they finally commit. The Three Wise Men go to the back with Natalie to make an offer. On the quiet, Linda offers the manager's job to Geena who immediately demurs that it should go to Liz. Linda brags that Mike will do anything she asks "as long as I ask it in the right way!"
Liz is right pleased with herself - she's now had a second interview and been offered the position of Head Newt. Linda overhears and, with a smile that lights up her face, suggests a bottle of champagne to celebrate, but let's wait until Mike comes out. Linda beams happily at Liz as Natalie introduces the pub to the new owners! Liz's jaw drops down to her cleavage.
She then approaches Fred (or was it Mike?) to support her for new manager. No problems as, whoever it was, he certainly doesn't want to do it himself! It's brought up at the first partnership meeting and Duggie says it's fine as far as he's concerned - she can apply with all the others. Both Fred and Mike agree that's a fair decision.
Duggie has taken his new role very seriously and invited the press round to take pictures. He has even envisaged the headline "Local sports hero saves pub!" It's not going down well with the others. With a younger wife, Mike has other fish to fry and is soon off. Fred and Duggie stand at the bar chatting with Natalie about some of the finer details. Out of the blue, the whole pub is spellbound whilst Blanche spews forth pure vitriolic twaddle. Nat was married to one man (ermmm don't the vows say "Until death do us part"?), carries another's spawn in her belly and is now attempting to decide which of the two will make the better father for her illegitimate sprog! Natalie has had enough and has decided to move well away from Wakefield (relieving the fears of the new doctor and his wife who were ready to fight if she wanted her house back). I'm also pretty sure that if the baby is a girl, it won't be named Blanche!
To finish off this update, I would like to present a special award. For ages now, many of us have been in absolute agony watching the show week after week, year after year pleading silently (or not) that SOMETHING be done! It's finally happened!!! The coveted "Putting the Viewers Out of Their Misery Award" goes to the Wardrobe Department for a few precious moments, Deirdre has been wearing a turtleneck!!!
Well, that's my last report for this year, hope you had a chuckle or two. To close, I'd like to wish you and yours a happy and safe holiday season! Happy Ho Ho's!!
Merry Christmas one and all, hope you all had a good one. Me? It was lovely, thanks for asking, despite the fact our Christmas dinner didn't have steeped peas. I mean, I ask you, what's a Christmas dinner without steeped peas? Mam was rather tipsy on Christmas eve and forgot to put the peas in to steep. Mind you, as I was the one responsible for getting her tipsy in the first place, helping her down a bottle of Baileys Irish Cream while having a singalong to the greatest hits of Cliff Richard, Tom Jones AND Shirley Bassey, I was also the worse for wear and forgot to remind her to steep the peas, so it was my fault, as she kept reminding me. Anyway, here I am on Boxing Day morning, with snow falling outside. I've escaped the family for a few hours to sort things out, pick people up and get back over there in time for turkey curry with the whole gang again at tea time. Ah, the joys of Christmas, I wouldn't change it for the world. So anyway, here I am, back after having a break from update writing so I could concentrate on my Uni studies. Many thanks to John, CP, Vivienne, Barry and Janet for writing the updates over the last few weeks, it's been much appreciated. And now, without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update!
Curly finally got his girly when he wed PC Emma this week. The lads (Martin, Ashley, Kevin, Danny and Peter) take Curly to the Rovers for a bit of a knees up on his stag night but they all end up sitting over their pints talking about tax and pensions until Peter orders a Deathray at the bar. I'm not sure if that was a fancy cocktail or if Peter was so bored that he really did want a Deathray. Who knows? Anyway, Curly staggers home at the end of the night only to be arrested by two coppers for singing too loudly and swaying too happily and he's thrown into the cells for a few hours to sober up. Of course, it's all a bit of a larf (yeah, right, being thrown into a cell is a right giggle, I'll bet) that PC Emma has engineered. Ho hum. Anyway, the day of the wedding dawns and Ashley's doing his bit as best man. Curly's sweating 'cos Emma's late, very late at the church and he starts feeling sorry for himself, wondering if she's ever going to turn up. Well, when she does, resplendent in white hooded cape with diamond tiara, small bouquet and a big smile, she brings with her a very special bridesmaid - Curly's daughter Alice. As Curly and Emma swap words: "With my body I honour you. All that I am I give to you. All that I have I share with you", there's not a dry eye in the house, well, not in my house anyroad, especially when Fred gives Audrey a wistful look. There's a lovely scene at the wedding reception later when Ashley stands up to give his speech.... "Ladies and genklemen....", and was I the only one who spotted Christine Hamilton as one of the wedding guests as Deirdre caught the bouquet? Anyway, the happy couple can't go off on honeymoon as planned as Alice needs to be taken back to France and Christine the housekeeper has come down with food poisoning, quelle surprise! So, Curly spends Christmas at home with his wife and his daughter, happy as can be until Emma realises there's no food in the house. Off they go to the Peacocks to celebrate Christmas there with Fred and Audrey and Maxine and Ashley (wearing a shirt, on Maxine's instructions, to match the table decorations).
Great stuff going on in the Rovers as Mike, Fred and Duggie slug it out over their new partnership and try to decide whose name will be above the door as official pub landlord. The three of them sit around a table in the Rovers, arguing and bickering like three old ladies... and it doesn't take much imagination to remember which three old ladies in the Rovers they remind us of.
Sarah and Candice are still at odds with each of them trying, but not really understanding the other's point of view, how could they, now that one of them is a mother? Anyway, Sarah's boyfriend, Glen comes around to her house to say he still wants to go out with her and that her having a baby makes no difference to him. Sarah's chuffed with this turn of events and agrees to see Glen after Christmas. All is well at the Platt household as Martin spends Christmas day there, but his thoughts are far, far away.... out shopping for Christmas presents with Sarah and David before Christmas, he spies Rebecca, back from the far east to the north west with a swingy about haircut. Martin can't think of anything else, he's useless, like a little puppy with heart shaped Poo-Chi dog eyes (and a wagging tail, no doubt). He makes his mind up he's going to find her, and discovers from her friend Carol where she's living. After spending Christmas day with Gail and the kids, he drives to the house where she's staying - Billy no-mates looking for his Becky. He finds her, snogging some bloke under the mistletoe in a house party, having fun without him.
At the Battersby's, Janice receives a Christmas card from Leanne - she's working in Sydney. Janice is feeling a bit sad, a bit blue, a bit whey, a bit whoy, a bit, you know so Les does what he can to cheer her up - he covers the outside of the house with Christmas lights, flashing reindeers and sparkling Santa's. It seems to do the trick and puts a smile on Janice's face (some women are easily pleased, that's all I can say). Of all the videos in all the shops, Les gives Janice her Christmas present - a copy of Casablanca (Why? It was on the telly on Christmas day!). He also gives her a diamond ring and of course Janice wants to know where it's come from, and there' s a line from Les that's sheer poetry: "Here's me giving you my heart and you want a receipt". Eileen and Dennis are there for Christmas too, singing on the karaoke as Eileen's son Jason turns up for lunch too. Eileen introduces Dennis to Jason: "Light of my life - meet the fruit of my loins."
There's noises coming from downstairs at the cafe and when Roy goes to investigate, armed with saucepan, he finds a little boy there stealing food. Next day, Roy finds the kid on the street and invites him in for egg and chips. It turns out that the kid, Wayne, lives in a children's home but was sent back to his mam and her boyfriend for Christmas, from where he escaped. Anyway, in a rather predictable, but quite nice in its own way, storyline, Roy and Hayley take Wayne in, feed him up and read him stories about elephants until he has to return to the children's home. Wayne's mum's boyfriend tries to collect him first but when Roy spies the man hitting Wayne, he confronts him in the street and has to have a sit down afterwards - being assertive is not something Roy is accustomed to.
Not such a joyful Christmas at the Barlow's. Peter (who I thought was quite dishy at first but now realise he's anything but) chats up Karen on Christmas eve in the Rovers, thereby giving her a second storyline. She is no longer "factory girl what chats up blokes". No! She is also, now, "factory girl what blokes chat up". Anyway, Peter has his hands full on Christmas morning and is late for dinner which Deirdre has been slaving over for three long months and twelve days. Liz is invited along to dinner also, so that's two old turkeys at the Barlow's on Christmas day. Tempers flare over dinner, not helped by Blanche criticising everything from the size of the potatoes to the taste of the meat: "This turkey's so dry it could choke a camel". (I bet they had steeped peas though). Liz walks out, Deirdre tears a strip off Peter and later bleats "Ohkenwarrammagonnadoooo" in the Rovers.
Vera's home from hospital on Christmas day, back to her own home which Jack has had refitted with a new kitchen, it's got cupboards and everything. Tyrone and Maria try (and fail) to make Christmas dinner for Jack and Vera while Monica, the Bette Davis of the dog world, reposes on the sofa, tinsel around her neck. Andrea and little boy Clayton turn up for sprouts and mash too and the new Mr and Mrs Watts also pop in to welcome Vera home. Jack has another surprise for Vera, he's booked them on a three week Caribbean cruise.
If walls could talk, eh? That back room at the Rovers could tell a few tales. Nat invites Kev there for a hot roast on Christmas day, well, the pair of them have nowhere else to go. After a few sherries and bedazzledly hypnotised by Nat's jacket, Kev tells Nat that he slept with Sally the night before his wedding to Alison. This piece of gossip puts a nasty smile on the landlady's face when she serves Sally and Danny at the bar later. Danny also had a bit of a storyline this week, but I don't like him very much so I won't say what it was.
Elsewhere this week, in the corner shop, Deirdre's crush on her boss just keeps on growing. And who can blame her? Not only is he gorgeous, he he also has his own stock of Tunnocks caramel wafers. What girl could ask for more?
And that's just about that for this week. It's still furiously snowing outside (why didn't it do this yesterday, when it was supposed to?!). All the best, see you next week, happy to be back.
