Hiya folks!!!! ... Time again for another update....
Its been a great week hosting my pals Annie and Chris for chunks of this week and to share in something special. Also meeting up with Digger, just over the big hill from me in Yorkshire - it's quite weird meeting someone, whom you've known on the net for a little while (in fact, we originally knew of each other some 20 years ago, back at my old firm) but not met face to face before. Plus a mini-ping at the weekend.
On the domestic front, I note that in a few days' time it will be our 22nd wedding anniversary. Weddings are one of life's major lifestyle events, and, as such, prone to much suffering on the nerves front. I suppose my way of coping is to turn it into humour (that in between chewing off the ends of my fingers). I don't remember much about the day - it all goes past like some blur - but I do recall a couple of incidents at the Registry Office. I recall the Registrar saying "I want you to put your hands on the table" and me quipping "spoilsport!". I also remember her saying "Do you, Trudy Catherine Seipel agree to take Alan M-m-m-m-m.... " Both little episodes brought the house down and lightened the tension.
Names!! What a funny thing.. I mean, Trude has always dreamt of getting rid of her name. Well, I don't blame her. Think of it this way.. Trudy Seipel .. the surname is pronounced SEYE- PUL, so if you say it quickly, what do you get?? True disciple!!!! Groan!! No wonder she wanted to change her name. She dreamt of an ordinary Smith or Jones, anything to get rid of that horrible pun, so what does she gets? M-m-m-m-m-m... !!!
People are still struggling with it. One of her kids at school said to her the other week "I told my mum your name and she laughed!" Wonder whether she would have laughed more at the pun? Who knows.
One things for sure, my wife became convinced on our honeymoon that she had married a nutter. We spent our honeymoon in Paris and I was like a little kid with a new toy, when I discovered the joys of the Paris Metro - the ability to travel across the city efficiently, never mind the fact that you spend all your time changing from one line to another in the journey diagonally across the city and then back :)! We spent so much time on the Metro, that one night in the hotel, Trude woke with a start and asked "are we at the right station yet?" hahahahahhah!! Yep, certainly a frenetic holiday. The day after we went on a trip in a Bateau Mouche on the River Seine, she dreamt she was on a Bateau Mouche going down Stamford Street in Ashton. Now Stamford Street has all sorts of things, but a river and bateaux mouches it certainly doesn't have!!! She certainly didn't have an easy time of it that holiday - she had an amazing combination of complaints on our honeymoon - a bad cough, the runs and an ingrowing toenail - I leave the rest to your imagination. And, if you think that this lot has been made up, I can assure you that life is stranger than fiction at times - every word is true.
The events of the last 20 odd years have done nothing to dispel her fears that she married a nutter - mind you, as I keep saying, you gotta be one to recognise one. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!!
Still, as Fred Elliott would say "I can't stand here gabbin', I've pies to shift."
Episode sponsored by Cadbury's Roses
The programme starts at Ashley's place. It's morning and Leanne is rushing to go to work. Nick has just opened the post and there seems to be something wrong with the bank statement. Oh-oh!! She tells him she is going to be late, but he won't take "no" for an answer - according to the statement one of them withdrew £200 and it certainly wasn't him, he tells her. initially she tries to bluff it out but when he points out that only one of them could have drawn it out, she suddenly remembers - she drew it out! When he probes to find what she spent the money on, she comes clean - Janice was desperate, so she lent it to her. Nick is not a happy bunny at this news - how could she, he asks, after all he said to her.
Cut to the Kabin where Rita is commenting to Sharon that Leanne's timekeeping is worse than ever and that she (Sharon) needs to have a word with her. Sharon is all hurt after Rita's volte face regarding the Kabin and tells Rita that she has no intention of doing Rita's dirty work if she is not going to be in charge of the Kabin. Well said, young lass!! Rita tells her that there is no reason for Sharon to get stroppy, but Sharon disagrees. "I think there's every reason . First you say I'm in charge, then you say I'm not. And what gets me is all the people who know I'm supposed to be taking over. I'm gonna look a right idiot now. Or worse than an idiot, a liar." Rita tries to stop the torrent of unhappiness pouring forth - she tells Sharon that the bickering can stop between them, as far as the customers are concerned, they won't know different. "But, Rita, I know different" replies Sharon " and that's what hurts." Bulls-eye, Sharon!!!!
Nick and Leanne are continuing their row. He is reminding her that the money was for them, for their future. He told her not to lend the money and is hurt that she went ahead anyway. Leanne tries to remind him that Janice was desperate, the electricity had been cut off. When Nick tells her that this was a problem for Les to sort out, Leanne replies that she could turn her back on them. "No. you see, you turned your back on me instead" is Nick's hurt reply. Leanne doesn't see what the problem is, they will get their money back. Nick disagrees and Leanne tries to persuade him otherwise, that Janice has already repaid some of the money. When pressed, she admits it was £20 - "Wow, brilliant!" is Nick's unimpressed reply, as he tells her they can kiss the rest goodbye, they will never see another penny of it. Leanne tells him to stop going on, she has already apologised, it's only money, in any case. Nick tells her that it's much more than that - it's about her doing something that he was dead set against, it's about her lying to him. He wonders what else she could be lying about and that he doesn't know what to believe anymore. When she asks him what he means by that statement, he initially says that he doesn't know, but then confesses what's on his mind - maybe she didn't get pregnant by accident and maybe she really did it on purpose because she wanted a baby. She refutes this allegation with horror. He storms out, deeply hurt, trust shattered, leaving behind Leanne, devastated.
Out in the street, Audrey is coming into work and is greeted by Maxine touting for business outside - erm, lemme rephrase that - Maxine has a sign on the pavement promoting her hairdressing business with Tom. Audrey is having none of it and is hurt that Maxine could possibly stoop so low, setting up in competition and in her own flat above the salon, which she rented out in the goodness of her heart, when Maxine was desperate. Maxine responds by saying that she is just trying to earn a living to pay Audrey her rent and if Audrey hadn't sacked her... Audrey chips in to correct her. she hadn't sacked Leanne, she had to let her go as she was surplus to requirements. Maxine sees this as irrelevant, either way, she is still out of a job. Audrey tries to point out that she is trying to run a business, not some sort of charity but Leanne replies that she doesn't want charity, she just wants to earn her keep, and she is doing this because hairdressing is the only thing she knows. Audrey tells her to get a job in that case and makes it clear that she intends to go to court, if necessary, adding that it is illegal running her business in a private residence. "I shall have you out of there, Maxine, I will" she says very determinedly. The look on Maxine's face reveals confusion.
At Barlow's B&B, he is about to perform an "extra" service for his guest - he is about to bring Deirdre breakfast in bed. However, just as he is about to take the tray upstairs, she comes down. She says that Ken should have woken her up as she is due for work in 20 minutes. Ken tells her how wonderful she looked, fast asleep. She is touched by his kindness, it's ages since she had breakfast in bed, he doesn't have to spoil her, she tells him. No trouble, he tells her, it's just as easy for two as for one. "Is that what we're doing, the two of us, getting together, because it's just as easy for two as for one?" she asks. He refutes that, he knows they can make it work this time "and you're the woman I want to be with, for the rest of my life." Awwwwww!. As far as Deirdre is concerned it is not because it's the easy option, it might not work out, they can never be sure of that. Having said that, she has no regrets and is willing to give it a try - maybe they will get it right this time. "Well, I promise you this, it won't be for want of trying" replies Ken. They kiss to seal the deal!
Maud has just come into Audrey's salon for a hair-do. Audrey is already tending to as client and tells her to read a magazine while she waits but Maud points out that her appointment is for 9 a.m., in any case, it isn't with her, it's with Tom. Audrey tells her that she will be doing Maud's hair and explains that Tom had to go - he didn't suit, really, she explains. It's horses for courses and he wasn't up to it, she adds. Maud replies that she liked him and he knows how to do her hair. Audrey doesn't see what the fuss is about, she is trained and fully qualified, she can do Maud's hair. "I bet he's gone in with Maxine" replies Maud, adding that he is probably doing hair in people's homes and that he is in the upstairs flat with Maxine. Audrey admits this is true. "Well, why didn't you tell me that in the first place, then?" asks Maud, "I may not have the use of my legs but still have the use of choosing who does my hair for me", as she wheels herself out in a huff. Audrey is exasperated, after all, how is Maud going get upstairs. "Honestly, she's so touchy that woman, I'm glad I'm not like her!" she says, returning to her client, "I'm glad I'm not her!!!!" ROTFLMAO!
Out in the street, Maud accosts Maxine. She wants Maxine to tell Tom that Maud would like him to do her hair. Maxine gets hold of the wrong end of the stick, "you want him to come round to your place one evening?" "No, I want him to do it here, and right now" replies Maud. "What? Here? On the pavement?" asks Max, the penny gradually dropping. "Now you're getting the idea" adds Maud, "go on, tell Tom I'm waiting for him". Both of them laugh at this wicked wheeze as Maxine rushes off to get Tom.
At the Rovers, Natalie is giving Vera some grief over the state of the windows. When Vera insists that she did them this morning, Natalie cannot believe her - Vera is insistent, the real problem is that they need doing on the outside. Natalie has the answer - dirt is dirt whether it's on the inside or the outside, so as soon as Vera has finished inside, she is to clean the outside. Vera refuses, so Natalie insists "you're the cleaner and the window wants cleaning, so.... " Vera once more states that she is the inside cleaner. As Jack comes through from the cellar, Vera suggests that he might be able to it, he used to be a window cleaner, after all. She recalls he was a right randy swine, all them housewives, don't think she didn't know - no such luck anyway, as Jack's ever reliably dicky back comes to the rescue. In any case, all he needs to see is a ladder and he goes all dizzy. Natalie has been getting exasperated hearing them bickering and snaps that she doesn't care who does it, she wants the windows cleaning - that said, she goes through to the back of the pub. "She's an hard face cow, her" mutters Vera, "I tell you what, if she fell on the pavement, she'd crack a flag. Aren't you glad I'm not like her." The look on Jack's face is indescribable!!
Tom has come out to talk to Maud. He is telling her that he cannot cut her hair out in the street. He cannot do a proper job, but Maud insists that this does not matter. All he has to do is to go through the motions, that will be enough. Tom replies that he cannot understand, but just at that point Maxine warns them that Audrey is peeping through the windows of the salon. The penny drops. "Oh right!!!! Right, madam, would you like my special Easter bonnet cut, with this cut, you'll never have to buy a hat again" he quips. "That's no good" retorts Maud jokingly, "I like buying hats." "You'd have never guessed" jokes Maxine. "Cheeky trollop" returns Maud. As he puts a towel around Maud, he asks "How about the Easter egg look, bald on top with a little bow tie and a ribbon at the front." Maud replies he can do whatever he likes as long as he doesn't actually cut her hair. Tom goes through the motions, making passes "pass here, pass there" and we see Audrey mouthing to them through the salon window to go away, much to Maxine's amusement. "Many a year since anyone made passes at me" jokes Maud, "and I bet you can remember every last one of them" replies Maxine. Maud proudly confirms that she can and the banter continues with Tom begging her to tell all, to which Maud replies "you're too young." By this time a small crowd, including Jack, Les and Martin, has gathered outside, bemused by the developments. Les asks what is going on, wondering if there any free haircuts going. At that stage, an angry Audrey rushes out of her salon and tells the crowd to disperse off (at least that was the gist of it) otherwise she will call the police, but Maud counters by saying there is no law to stop her hair being cut in the fresh air. Audrey is exasperated and tells Maxine that its all gone on long enough, to which Maxine replies that she is only trying to earn a living. When Maud adds that Maxine could sell tickets to this spectacle, that raises a laugh from the crowd, much to Audrey's embarrassment. That's enough, as Audrey realising the futility of trying to negotiate in public, concedes defeat and invites Tom and Maxine into the salon for a word. They agree, as Audrey follows them, to much banter from the crowd. Martin bends down to Maud to tell her that he knows when she is up to something. She smiles knowingly and offers a drink for whomever will wheel her into the pub. Martin, Jack and Les nearly get killed in the rush..... with Martin winning the race. This is accompanied by a jibe from Les about the Platts getting away with everything...... ... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1
After the ads, it's part 2
The second part of the programme commences back in the salon,
as Audrey is telling Maxine and Tom that they are hurting everyone
- there isn't enough business in the area for two salons. Tom
replies why should they be the ones to back down, to which Audrey
replies that she was here first. Maxine replies that this is not
relevant, after all, she was in the salon before Audrey bought
it. Audrey tries to play one off against the other by saying to
Tom that there is always a job for him at the salon, but he recognises
her ruse. When he asks what about Maxine's job, Audrey repeats
that there isn't enough trade for the three of them. The answer
from Tom is a resounding "no", at which stage Maxine,
in an awkward position, suggests Tom really might be better off
thinking about himself. He discounts this option and loyally tells
her that he owes his job to Maxine, who took him on, in the first
place, he is not going to steal her job. Just as he is about to
walk out of the door, Audrey capitulates, they can both have their
old jobs back, but how they are all going to make a living out
of this, is beyond her. At that point, enter Motorised Maud, wondering
whether she is going to get her hair done. Unfortunately, Audrey
has not yet got the reply to her proposal, but this only takes
a second or two more, as both Maxine and Tom agree to rejoin.
Smiles all round, everyone's a winner! As Tom wheels Maud off,
Audrey comments that it's a blessing to offload Maud onto Tom
adding, "Maxine, would you make us all a cup of coffee and
we'll go through the appointments book?"
At the Rovers, Rita is moaning to Sally about her morning - not a good one, apparently, as Sharon has been sulking "and let me tell you, when she puts her mind to it, she can sulk for Lancashire." Sally replies that, from what she has heard, she thinks Sharon has every reason - she explains that she happened to bump into Sharon this morning and that Sharon had told her that Rita had changed her mind. Rita obviously doesn't sound too pleased to hear about these confidential matters being discussed openly but sally reassures her that it won't go any further. When Sally says that she has heard that Sharon is only to be made a partner, Rita is indignant. "Only? I'm beginning to think that's too much for her." Sally gets Rita to see sense and points out it's hardly surprising that Sharon feels the way she does - she was offered the whole business and now Rita has gone back ion her word, who wouldn't be disappointed. Apart from that it shows that Rita doesn't trust her. Yay!!! I've actually agreed with Sally on something and you can tell that it has hit a bulls-eye with Rita too, as she contemplates the ramifications of her actions.
At the bar, Gary is asking Jack whether it was him he saw cleaning the pub windows earlier on. Jack confirms this was the case and wistfully recalls the days he had his own round. This is news to Gary, as Jack tells him it's a subject not often mentioned as winds Vera up - at the time she never knew which bedroom window his ladder was leaning against. "By God, the crumpet I had to contend with. If I'd have been getting any more, I'd have had to take a lad on!" ROTFLMAO.
Audrey is having a drink with Maxine and Tom, and while doing so, is voicing her fears - she hopes the salon is able to generate enough business to pay there wages, never mind the running expenses. Tom says that they will do their best and Maxine wonders whether they ought to be doing more on the beauty side with manicures, facials, and massages. Audrey leaps at this suggestion, saying she has always been very good on the beauty side "as you can tell... (preen, preen).. cheers!"
Nick comes into the pub, alongside Les and tells him he thought he would find Les in here. "Ah Nick, lad, just in time to buy me a drink" quips Les - wrong thing to say to Nick who has a hissy fit about how fed up he is of buying ALL of Les' drinks - he tells Les that if he wants to sponge of him and Leanne then he shouldn't send Janice to do his dirty work. With that, he flounces off, leaving a bemused Les in front of the bar and Natalie behind it.
Leanne is sobbing her heart out telling Janice how horrible Nick had been and how he had said she had been lying to him. Janice recognises that this was her fault and apologises - she promises again to repay him. Leanne, still sobbing, tells Janice that it wasn't just an issue of the money - just as she is about to tell Janice, enter Les furious after being at the receiving end of Nick's invective. He starts mouthing off about how he has been slagged off in the pub by Leanne's husband, oblivious of the fact that Leanne is upset herself. His raised voice merely sends Leanne another notch higher in the emotional stakes until Janice puts her foot down - she tells him they want to have a quiet talk and he is in the way. Embarrassed at the prospect of "women's problems", Les backs out, "I don't want to hear about it. it only puts me off my dinner." With that, he scarpers out, leaving an inconsolable Leanne to tell Janice that Nick doesn't want the baby.
Gary is beginning to get some ideas talking to Jack, who confirms that, no, there isn't a window cleaner in the area. "Mind you, if he's getting up to what I was getting up to, he's most likely died of ecstasy!" adds Jack. He asks Gary whether he would fancy the job. "Might do, what do you need?" is Gary's reply. Jack tells him that you'd need a little cart for your ladders, a buckets, a couple of chamois, one of them pulls with a wiper on the end... Gary wonders where he could get a cart. The only person Jack can think of, is "Charlie West, that lunatic that took my pigeons... ". Gary recognises him "oh yes, Les Battersbys mate who looks like Worzel Gummidge's friend. Jack tells him that Charlie has all sorts at his yard.
Fred comes over to join Audrey, Maxine and Tom and Audrey confirms that their dispute has been resolved. They are back on the workforce and like one big happy family. Self-congratulatory grins all round. (What next Audrey, Kosovo?) Fred slips some money to Tom and Maxine for a drink and while Tom goes to get it, Fred sits down in his place, next to Maxine. He starts fishing about a fracas, a scuffle, that he had heard about - apparently it had taken place outside Audrey's shop, earlier. Audrey and Maxine deny all knowledge of a scuffle. "I didn't think it could be right, cos he said that Maud Grimes were involved. Maud Grimes in a scuffle? I said, as if? She wouldn't have a leg to stand on! Heheheheheheheheh! Well, he roared!! He goes for that kind of clever humour!" ROTFLMAOPMP as do Maxine and Audrey!! Wonderful stuff!!!
Sharon is bringing the drinks over to Rita and apologises for her behaviour, "I've been a bit of a cow today, haven't I?" "Well they do say it takes one to know one, in that case, moo" replies Rita and this breaks the ice between them. Sharon apologises, saying that Rita has done a lot for her, but Rita insists that it is she who should be doing the apologising. She recognises that she has chopped and changed and admits that if there is anything she hates, it's someone doing that to her. So, she proposes to go back to the original idea, to sign everything over to Sharon lock, stock and barrel. "Oh Rita... thanks, I'll take it" quips Sharon, "but I hope you'll tell me when I do something stupid?" "Whenever have I not done?" replies Rita.
At Ken's place, he is uncorking a bottle of wine - red wine, no less - as Deirdre comes in with a suitcase in hand. She didn't bother packing all her clothes, she tells Ken, she thought they would be OK at the flat. Ken tells her that she has missed a phone call from Blanche - Ken tells Deirdre that he informed her mother about them. Apparently Blanche had said that it was something for which she had always hoped and was very happy, both for herself and for the two of them. As she takes a swig of red wine, Deirdre asks ken whether he told anyone else about them today - apparently not, is the answer, Ken hasn't seen anybody. Deirdre wants to keep it between themselves for now. Ken looks perturbed and wonders whether she is having second thoughts. Basically, Deirdre is just sick of her private life being the talk of the wash-house again, which it will, when this gets out. Ken tells her he doesn't give a damn about the gossips, "people can think what they like, people say what they like. All I care about is you and me are back together again and we make it succeed." Deirdre affirms her desire to give it a good try too.
Leanne and Janice are still talking. Janice is telling her that Nick had no right saying what he did about the baby, although she recognises that folk say plenty of things they don't really mean when they are having a row. Still sobbing, Leanne tells her that she is sure that Nick DOES mean it and that she should have "you know.... get rid of it." Janice tells her that she needs to ask herself what she really wants, that's all the matters, "do you want this baby?" "Of course I want it!" sobs Leanne, "and I'm having it whatever he says." Janice assures Leanne that she is on her side and that Leanne will always have a home here, "you and the baby, if Nick walks out on you." Leanne looks shell-shocked at this statement and it is clear that she has never considered that eventuality. "Well, you've got to face it, love, you could lose him" continues Janice, "then you'll end up like plenty more before you, bringing up a child on your own, no husband, but don't you worry, eh? You'll always have a home here with us. You and that kiddie." The picture of devastation on Leanne's face speaks volumes, although she is speechless.... And with that...
.... it is the cue for music and credits ...
Episode written by John Stevenson
All material is, and remains, copyright property of Granada Television.
Well, how was it for me? An enjoyable episode, largely because of the humour element.
Let's get the "much ado about nothing" bits out of the way. I really didn't see the point of Rita chopping and changing her mind about giving the Kabin to Sharon and I'm disappointed that nothing was made of the jealousy angle from Sally - anything that paints Sally as the bad guy is good by me. Sigh...
I know it may be a major storyline but the idea of Ken and Deirdre getting it back together doesn't exactly set me on fire. Boring! Boring! Boring! Double sigh...
Interesting to see the setting up of a new job for Gary, that of window cleaner. Lovely bits of humour from Jack, who really is so good in this role.
The Audrey/Maxine/Tom triangle with Maud's input provided some great humour from all involved (except Tom who is the straight guy). Audrey does comedy so naturally and so well and Maud has always been a good set-up artiste. It's interesting seeing Maxine's character changing directions - I quite enjoy seeing her playing something other than bimbo parts and the banter between her and Maud was well written and executed. Not forgetting Fred's contribution!!!
The major storyline, of course, is the Nick/Leanne pregnancy, with the added ingredient introduced this week - that of trust being betrayed, this time on the financial front. As I have said before, this storyline is a well written one with great potential for the actors and actresses concerned. Ultimately, the breakdown of trust has to be one of the major contributors to the death of a relationship and the financial angle has been nicely interwoven with the pregnancy issue. Great performances from Jane Danson (Leanne) and Vicky Entwistle (Janice) - even Les' contribution which was limited to comedy was good. But, dear oh dear oh dear, Adam Rickitts' performance .... Big big big big sigh. It's all been said before, so I won't vent again. The only good news on the horizon - SPOILER ALERT - Rickitts filmed his final scenes on the street this last week, so we will be seeing those in the UK in three weeks' time - thank heavens.
Summary? All in all, pretty good, especially with some nice moments of humour.
Now then, I've been doing these updates for just over a year now and only had a couple of weeks off in that time. I think that with some of the issues going on at home, I could do with a couple of weeks off. Any volunteers for the episode updates for Fridays 9th and 16th April?
Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take care...
Tubby greetings and Tinkyluv from the Tinkster in Glorious Glossop....
Regards, Alan
Hiya :)
Happy Easter everybody! I hope you've all had a decent break and are enjoying what's left of the Hols (unless, like me, you have been forced back to work!). I'm going to skip anything resembling a prologue because my brain isn't properly working after the rather weird and wonderful week I've had. I'd like to sit and waffle about it for several paragraphs but my fingers seem unable to find the words. So rather than faff about with the impossible, I'll dive straight into the Update for this week's Corrie which, I'm sad to report, was utterly excreable. One or two fleeting moments of decency were lost amid a flood of some of the worst scenes I've *EVER* witnessed from this show. As a result of this and the fact that I'm running two days late with this already, I'm going to keep it very short and simple...
We open in the Mallett household, where Gareh is voicing his plans for the day. It seems he's off to visit Sir Charlie Of West in order to pick up the necessary provisions for his proposed window-cleaning adventures. Judeh is still a little bit unconvinced about the benefits of the whole idea and warns him not to spend too much money that they don't have. He's confident that it'll all be quite cheap, although the ladders will probably be the most expensive item on the list... "Why don't you ask Steve MacDonald if you can borrow one of his?" asks Judeh, an idea which her Happy Hubby thinks might just work. "See, I'm not just a milk machine!" she quips, as he leaves on his jolly way.
So now we move on to the House Of Elliot where tonight's central storyline begins to rear it's pug-ugly head. Leanne, Nick and Baby Tilly. COME BACK GREG KELLY, ALL IS FORGIVEN!!! Now, bless Jane Danson's little cotton socks for she is doing her very best with this plot but aside from that I can think of nothing good to say about it. The script is tedious as all Hell, the storyline seemingly directionless and the character of Nick is rapidly changing from merely very irritating into thoroughly, utterly loathsome. I'm not going to harp on any more about Adam Rickitt's acting because I might as well be telling you that the sky is blue. He's abysmal and you all know it... Scientists say that human beings only actively *use* a miniscule percentage of their brains whilst awake and, bearing this knowledge in mind, I've finally realised what that little dent in Rickitt's forehead is. The tiny, tiny proportion of the brain that is actually *USED* has been removed at some point in his life, leaving behind only empty space, which has since been filled in by the skin of his forehead. Hence the dent... So really all that's inside his head now we're missing that vital 3% or so of the brain is just useless grey matter. Makes sense doesn't it? I'm under the impression that whoever decided to let him loose with a "proper" storyline suffers from the same tragic condition.
Oh the scene? Well, I didn't want to watch it twice it was so painful (Canadians, I'm not exagerrating - just *WAIT* until you get this!!!) but basically, from memory, Leanne is sitting at the breakfast table explaining how terrified she is at the prospect of having an abortion. Nick, plumbing new depths of insensitivity, snaps "Don't worry about that NOW!", telling her that it's not worth thinking about and, if she's concerned about the whole street knowing, she can (hey f**king presto) tell everyone she's had a miscarriage! "These... things... happen... they do... I read... about... it... in... a college.... maga...zine..." he stutters, unconvincingly. I don't believe him, since this would imply that he could actually read. Someone needs to slap that boy and it's a shame that Leanne didn't.
I do apologise but that last scene drained me of all enthusiasm, even a little for Weatherfield's very own Royal Couple, Sir Royston of Cropper and Lady Hayley of Patterson who are (thankfully) up next, in the Cafe, discussing the plans for their proposed wedding. She is on the subject of guests, of who will be Best Man and, more importantly, the Bridesmaids. "I imagine that likely candidates will suggest themselves as one calls them to mind", nods Roy and then, lo and behold, who should appear but Toyah, coming in for work...
The next scene cuts to Nick and Leanne. I give you my apologies but I cannot stomach even thinking about this, let alone watching it. They go over the same uber-dull "Shall we keep it? Shall we not?" arguments and he gets so far under my skin, I want to skin him alive! They conclude (or more he concludes) that she will have an abortion and Tilly, with a frantic air of "let's get this crap out of the way so I can move on to my pop career" about him, says he will book them in to see the doctor that very morning.
So, in attempting to keep calm, let's move to the next scene, which is back at the Cafe with Roy and Hayley deep in conversation as Gail wonders in and asks Toyah if she's interrupting anything... The Royal Couple are *very* apologetic when they realise that they've been too engaged in their discussion to even notice her arrival and then decide to break the news, explaining with much joy (and quite rightly so!) that they've found a curate who will wed them properly, that they've set a date and that they want Sarah-Louise and Toyah to be Bridesmaids! Needless to say, Gail and Toyah are both totally over the moon at this news and the latter remarks "I've never been a Bridesmaid before. I got cheated with RLeanne" which, of course, prompts a snide "We all got cheated with Leanne" from Mother Platt... Further humour is derived from Toyah's concern that the Bridesmaid outfit will be naff, so Lady H suggests that they design it together! :) You know, I should be able to drum up a bit more enthusiasm for this scene because it was really quite sweet but, alas, the abundance of dross that we've suffered already this episode (bear in mind the two Nick scenes I've compressed into a paragraph each lasted for several minutes) has totally ripped it out of me.
Cut to No.1 where the newly reunited Ken and Deirdre (who I also think are quite sweet, I'm sorry to admit!) are discussing a much-needed joint shopping spree this afternoon. The infamous thick-cut marmalade discussed only a few months earlier between Dee and Jackie Dobbs is mentioned as being something that they have a disagreement on (thus thin-cut is required) and apparently, Ken's taste in kitchen cleaning equipment is about 10 years out of date (well, better than his sweaters then..) and in need of some serious upgrading. "Have I missed some kind of revolution?" asks Ken, to which Deirdre purrs sultrily "I'll show you what you've missed" prior to moving in and kissing him. (Diane! Diane! Calm down! ;))
Jack Duckworth is crossing the cobbles when he notices a whistling Gareh Mallett appearing in the opposite direction, pushing a window cleaner's cart. The Daft Duckie approaches Gary and performs a closer inspection on it, highly surprised that it is in fact BERTHA, Jack's old cart from way back in the day when he was in the same trade. He wipes tears from his eyes as he tells Gareh about his "golden moments" with "Dulcie Frogatt" and warns him that window-cleaning is not just a job but a peek into other people's lives! LOL! Sadly, the mirth is stifled instantly like a candle's flame pinched by cruel fingers, for lo and behold, across the road are Nick and Leanne, who are on their way to the Doctor. They encounter Martin on the way, nervously telling him it's "just a check-up" and Nurse Platt walks away, oblivious to the truth. Leanne is upset that they have lied to him but Nick, getting worse by the second, is more concerned that she was going to tell Martin everything and get them both busted. Prat. Prat, prat, prat, prat, PRAT! There, I feel better now.
So we cut across to Mr Baldwin's Palace Of Fun, The Underworld Of Delight, where Hayley, Janice and Linda are gossiping about Ken and Deirdre's reunion... We actually get the best line of the night here when Janice says "She's only with him cos he's safe!", to which Linda responds "So's low alcohol lager but no one wants that!" - ROFL! The fun is stopped when Deirdre appears, snaps her hands together and says "Less of that and more work, please", shortly before turning around and finding Julia Stone standing behind her wanting to see Mike. Deirdre heads into the Office Of Baldwin and asks him if he's got a minute, to which Mike grins wickedly and tells Dee to go back to Julia and ask if she can come back some other time when it's more convinient...
...Or, more precisely, round the back of Freshco, where Ashley and his mate "Boris" are unloading some pies from the back of a truck. Tyrone (or Tuh-rone, as Ashley pronounces it) Dobbs appears from behind a skip and begs the Lurve Doctor for a pie... Eventually, seeing the mucky (err, muckier) state of the Dobbs lad, Ashley surrenders a pastry. As "Boris" takes the rest of the tray inside and Tuh-rone scarpers, Ash discovers a sleeping bag inside one of the rubbish skips and the penny drops that Tyrone has been sleeping rough.
The next scene (Nick and Leanne at the doctor) is so pitiful and wearisome, I refuse to even attempt to update it. Sorry.
Moving swiftly along, we see Ken and Deirdre outside Freshco getting ready for their shopping trip. They spot Tyrone approaching across the Street and try to turn and run but it's too late! He's spotted them, so he bounds across and begs for money. Dee, taking pity on his filthy apprearance, hands him a five pound note and the Delighted Dobbs leaves them be. "My, whoever taught you kids that thing called attitude should be... well, something very bad!" murmurs Deirdre, in that unique way of her's... Ken looks on, raises an eyebrow and wonders where Jackie is...
Back at the House Of Elliot, Nick whines, whinces, whinnies and wanks about, insensitively begging Leanne to get the abortion done as quickly and as quietly as possible. She wonders if he's spoken to Miranda about it and if this is how he knows so much and has changed his mind. He lies and says he hasn't then whines, whinces, whinnies and wanks about some more... or something...
...and about 2 insufferable hours later, we cut back to the Cafe where Sir Roy and Lady Hayley are writing down an official wedding guest list... She wishes to invite everyone and their dogs (especially Janice and Alma) but Roy is deeply concerned about certain dogs (ie: Les and Mike Baldwin) showing up and spreading their rabies... Lady H shares her fiance's concerns about these plonkers but insists that her friends are invited, nonetheless and then, in another act of Good Timing (TM), who should show up but Janice?? She's heard all about Toyah being the bridesmaid, about the date being set and is now over the moon about being in attendance. She's also INSISTANT that the invitation they give her is addressed ONLY to her and not to Les as well, since she doesn't want to risk anything ruining R&H's big day (aww)... Sir Royston is only too pleased to go with this plan!!! :)
Meanwhile, Nick looks through the yellow pages and finds a drive-through abortion clinic or something similarly cold sounding, all the while stuttering and bleating, making the most monotonous and annoying droning noises I've heard this side of Merzbow's least accessible albums. In fact, I'd rather be stuck in a room with Merzbow, Aube *and* Masonna (three of Japan's most notorious Noise "Artists"), several huge speakers and a few dozen mic'd-up powertools for 48 hours than listen to another 48 milliseconds of his vile voice.
Mercifully, after about three whole minutes of moribund monologue from the talent-barren tyke, we cut to the Rovers where Curly and Ashley are talking about Tyrone's probable homelessness. Needless to say Curly, in Freshco Manager mode, is not happy that Tyrone is sleeping behind the store and getting free pies, but The Lurve Doctor insists that he should take pity since the Dobbs boy has obviously ran away from home. Meanwhile, Mike and Alma enter and, as Alma buys drinks, her husband heads over to a booth where the predatory Julia Stone is waiting for him with leering eyes. She tries once more to charm him (without success) and then mentions that she'll be going to the Rag Trade Ball on Friday all alone with no one to share her hotel room with (oh, puh-leeese!)... At the bar, Gary Mallett and a newly-bearded Steve (he may look dead but his facial hair lives!!!) are talking about the former's window-cleaning adventure. Gareh asks to borrow some spare ladders and, miraculously, the Great Rotting Cadaver Boy agrees! Nice...... The show ends across the room where Mike has now sat down with Alma as she asks who the strange young lady that he was talking to was. He explains it's "just a rep" and most definately not the same one who was chatting him up a few weeks ago... Cue credits.
And I can't say I've ever been so pleased to see the credits of Corrie before. What a dire episode. I may well have condensed it considerably for my update but I'd say that approximately half of this show was concentrating on Leanne's pregnancy storyline. I've said enough already so I won't dwell on the subject but we all know why it's becoming *totally* unwatchable... Hint: It's not Jane Danson.
The script (by Maureen Chadwick) was pretty mediocre tonight and there was precious little to get excited about. So, as the teacher would say: "Can do better"... and as the doctor would say: "NEXT PLEASE!"
Til next time! :)
The Rattler
Bora da, and greetings from Wales.
Yep, it's me again this week as CP has gone into hiding until That Rickitt Creature leaves the Street. And to be honest, I don't blame him. My mother in law, who has watched Corrie since it first started, recently said (of Rickitt) 'that boy is so wet. He needs a kick up the backside. I have to turn the telly off when he comes on cos I can't bear to watch him.' This update might be shorter than recent ones because I just cannot BEAR to repeat any or Rickitt's dialogue.
When I watched this a second time to do this update, I realised that it wasn't *quite* as dismal as I first thought and that there were some gems amongst the drek. So, it's the Queen of Siam's update for Wednesday 7th April, 1999.
This episode was sponsored by Cadbury's Caramel and I was sponsored by the Beasts of Bourbon (what I was listening to).
We start in the street where Gary is standing on a ladder (<shudder> I hate heights) outside the Salon, cleaning the upstairs windows. Jack comes along and says Gary is doing a good job. Gary says there is nothing to it. Jack tells him to be quiet as 'you'll be losing your round before you've cleaned your first set of flippin windows'. Gary replies, 'oh, I don't know about that. Judging from the look on these windows they haven't been touched since you last had a chamois in your hand.' Marvy appears and asks Gary if he is ok. Jack tells her window cleaning is a craft. Marvy remembers when Jack used to be a window cleaner. She bets he has seen some sights. Yes, and he could tell some tales, too. 'I bet you could. That's why I'm glad he's up there and you're down here.' LOL!
The Camel and St Martin are crossing the street. Gail is saying that Sarah Lou (Lou! I hate that. My middle name is Louise and one of my childhood nicknames used to be Looby Loo. <hide> I once had a boyfriend who used to call me Lou. He had to go) is really excited about being a Royal bridesmaid. Martin is uncertain about the marriage. 'Marriage is a big step for any 'normal' (his inverted commas, not mine) couple.' 'Yeah well,' she replies, 'Roy and Hayley ARE normal, much as it's anybody else's business. They love each other, Martin, and that's all that matters.' Yeah,' he quips, 'well I married you and you're not normal.' She chases him down the street where Curly can now be seen leaving for work. He asks Emily if she would keep an eye on his house for suspicious characters. What sort? 'Dobbs sort. I saw Tyrone hanging around the store so the Mother of the Black Lagoon (great nick. Why didn't I think of that) can't be far away,' he replies. Emily says she had hoped they had seen the last of them.
Over at the Kabin, Ken has some news for the Big Red. She already knows. 'It's the talk of the factory'. It's the best news she's heard for a long time. When he's gone, Daffers asks her how long she'll give it this time around. She replies, 'if nobody gave out a second try then some of us wouldn't amount to much would we.' Leanne looks on thoughtfully. Can she have the afternoon off for the Clinic? Yes, and is everything ok? Yes.
Over at Roy's Rolls, Hayley is leaving for work. They decide to hand deliver their local wedding invites personally. 'Well it will certainly save on stamps', he says. 'Oh, Roy!'. Gail and Alma walk in. Alma is interested to hear what news they have for her. Hayley tells her that they have set the date. Alma is thrilled and gives them a hug. But why the rush? Because the stand in curate at Mrs Bishop's church has agreed to do it, and she will only be around for a few weeks. They don't care that they won't be signing anything official. They just want a ceremony to show how much they love each other. Aww. (I find it ridiculous that if you are not married in the eyes of the Christian church then you are not 'legally' married at all. In this multi-racial and multi-cultural society, too) Hayley continues, 'and I wondered, Alma, seeing as I could talk to you when I couldn't talk to anyone else and if it weren't for you then I'd never have met Roy. Would you consider being my Matron of Honour?' Alma, almost crying, 'oh Hayley! I'd be delighted,' and hugs her again.
Over at Chateau Batteau, Peat Bog Man is whinging again. Why is Gary cleaning their windows? Because the Warrior Princess asked him too. Why, he demands. 'Cos they're windows, Les, you're supposed to be able to see through 'em. It's like living in a flaming total eclipse living in this house.' LOL! Toyah tells him that she is to be a bridesmaid to Roy and Hayley. He waffles on in his sweet neanderthal way about how disgusting it is ad nauseum (Les B would have made a good Witchfinder General, methinks). 'Oh come on Les, why don't you climb out of the Dark Age. Hayley's not a freak. She's lovely,' is Janice's answer. He replies, ' there is not way that you, Toyah, or any other member of this family is taking part in a side-show like that.'
Leanne and Casper the Unfriendly Rickitt Creature are leaving the Kabin. Judy comes in as says that when the baby is born they are welcome to anything that the twins have grown out of. Leanne looks devastated. They leave.
Alma enters the Rovers. So does Gary who wants Jacks advice. 'As a master craftsman, you mean?' asks Jack. Yeah. How does he get rid of smears on windows? 'Work 'em into the corners, nobody'll notice,' comes the experienced reply. LOL! The Fairy Godmother of Weatherfield has overheard and offers to wave her magic wand for Gary.
Alma is now sat in a corner with the Three Misogynist Caveman aka Peat Bog Man Battersby, Great Rotting Undead McDonald, and her husband, Wideboy Short. They are discussing the forthcoming Royal Wedding. Wideboy Short says 'that has put me off my scotch (shame, I was hoping it was going to choke him). Les replies, 'you'll have weirdos getting married to surgically enhanced pigs next' (you mean like Janice did? If there are any pigs reading this, I'm sorry for the insult). They start talking about cloning. Great Rotting Undead says 'Only they don't clone something we'd all recognise like Melinda Messinger (who?). But sheep and stuff (oh, so THAT'S ok is it pal?). Wideboy Short replies 'yeah, maybe that's who's going to marry Hayley and Roy. Dolly the sheep.' They all think this is hysterical. Alma tells them. Peat Bog Man says 'not even a proper vicar then.' (prat). Wideboy Short comes back with that line loved by women haters everywhere 'I always knew there was trouble putting a dog collar on a woman. Unless there's a lead attached to it.' (Honestly, the only thing missing from this scene were the white hoods. But more on that later).
Curly is outside Freshco asking the Lurve Doctor if he has seen Short Rodney who has been spotted lurking around. He then sees him. Look at the state of him. What has he been doing? Just having a kip. Curly says that's dangerous as there are rats and delivery vans around, and is he hungry? Yes.
Casper and Leanne are in the waiting room of the clinic. And, I'm sorry, but I just can't bear to repeat any of the dialogue or comment on Whoopsie Boy's 'acting'. The Dr wants to see Leanne on her own. She goes off.
Curly and Short Rodney are talking. Medusa is back inside because she beat up his dad's girlfriend. Curly says he's sorry. 'Why, she didn't exactly do you any favours,' says the little sproglet. 'It's a bit rough on you though.' Short Rodney says his dad doesn't want him. Has Curly got any jobs? No. Short Rodney suggests he could go and collect all the Freshco trolleys that are around the streets. 'Ok then, but if I see just one Freshco trolley on the way home, you're for it.' Alma appears as Tyrone leaves. Why has Curly been looking for her? Because she has to go to a seminar in Birmingham on Friday. She is not pleased as it will mean missing the 'do' with Mike but she is resigned to it.
Gary and Googly Eyes McD are by the bar when the Fairy Godmother of Weatherfield walks in. She has a bottle of Mr Sugden's preparation (the mind boggles), for cleaning windows. It stinks, apparently. She says he discovered the formula when he was in the army. Gary isn't surprised. 'Smells like nerve gas.' Emily says it left her windows 'quite transparent'. 'Are you sure the glass didn't just drop out,' quips Googly. LOL! (yes! Lol! at Steve).
Meanwhile Leanne is talking to the doctor. The doctor says she has to be 100% certain before she has this abortion. Leanne doesn't look certain.
Hayley arrives home. Has Roy had a good day? 'We've run out of baked beans I'm afraid. Seems we've had a bit of a run on high fibre protein,' he relies completely straight faced (how DOES he do it). She says they sound like an old married couple (not quite Hayley, you just wait until you start arguing over who's turn it is to bath the dogs! Your turn will come, mark my words). Roy replies, 'I've always thought that old married couples are made up of people who are generally content to be together so, well, perhaps, it's no bad thing eh?' Aww. 'I love you, you know, Roy, I think you're a very, very special man. Double aww. She goes on to say he's very special for 'marrying someone like me.' Roy looks overwhelmed and says, in the words of The Fast Show's Mark Williams, 'I'll get me coat.'
In the Rovers Curly is telling Spider and the Fairy Godmother of Weatherfield about his day. 'Do you know how much those trolleys are worth?' he asks a disbelieving Spider. 'No, and it's a good job Tyrone didn't either or he'd be holding them all to ransom.' LOL! Curly thinks Tyrone needed a break and Emily thinks that, with a mother like Medusa, Tyrone needs all the help he can find. (Bloody hell, that wand is working overtime lately).
Leanne and Casper arrive back from the clinic when Roy and Hayley come to deliver the invitation. I am so fed up with Rickitt that I can't even be bothered to say what the lovely Ashley was doing in this scene.
Alma arrives in the Rover and tells Mike she can't make it on Friday. She says he will have to go on his own. He smirks. (And I think the quicker The Preying Mantis gets him, the better).
Ken and Deirdre sit down (still in the Rovers). 'Is this what Pandas feel like in the zoo, with everybody standing around waiting for them to mate?' she asks. The Witch in the Wardrobe (yay!) comes over and in her own inimitable way, 'congratulates' them. 'Hello you love birds.' 'Hello Audrey, so I take it you've heard then?' asks Deirdre. 'Of course, I've heard about nothing else all day. You're a couple of old romantics aren't you? says Witchie Poo. The Big Red walks in. 'Rita, hi, I was just saying to these two, they're like something out of Catherine Cookson aren't they?' Deirdre replies, 'I didn't realise we were such good entertainment.' Reet says, 'Well I think it's a bit of good news. And I reckon everybody else feels the same as I do. Good luck to you both. Come on Audrey, you can buy me a drink. I'm gagging.' Audrey replies, 'oh, right, don't want to be gooseberries do we?' Across the bar she says to Rita, 'That's a turn up for the books isn't it? Ken and Deirdre getting back together. I mean after all the mileage they've both put in since they split up.' (You're terrible, Muriel). Rita, in the best line of the show, says 'mileage doesn't count, Audrey. It's the destination that matters.' Audrey replies, 'Well I wonder how long it'll be before one of 'em get another bout of wanderlust, eh?' Reet shakes her had with another one of THOSE expressions on her face.
Back at House of Elliot, Leanne is looking wistfully at the Royal wedding invitation. 'At least Hayley will never have this problem, will she. Probably nothing she'd want more than to have a little baby.' Casper whines and flounces saying they'll have a baby. 'Not this one though, eh,' she says flatly. 'Right, that's it then. I'm having an abortion. Friday morning.' (No Leanne, no! It's obviously not what you want. Don't do it on account of that mincing tw*t). Credits roll.
Episode written by Phil Ford.
So how was it for me?
Well, most depressing scene of the night was the one where Steve Mcdonald, Les Battersby and Mike Baldwin were in the pub. Not because of the way it was acted but because there really are too many idiots out there like them <shudder>. You meat them on almost every street you walk down and almost every pub you walk in to. And I guess because Corrie reflects real life then we have to have *some* obnoxious characters in it. So well done to Simon Griegson, Bruce Jones and Johnny Briggs for making me hate your characters so much (at the moment).
Gold star of the night goes to, again, Sue Nicholls as Audrey. The scene where she 'congratulated' Ken and Deirdre was priceless. Really, it had to be viewed to be believed as her facial expressions and mannerisms were a joy to watch. Well done that woman! (again).
Also some very touching scenes between Roy and Hayley. And good scenes between the Spider/Curly/Tyrone/Emily gang.
Looking back on tonight's episode, the only really bad thing about it (apart from the aforementioned pub scene. And that wasn't bad as such, because of the acting, but because of the obnoxious characters portrayed) was Rickitt. He is getting more loathsome day by day. I just cannot bear to watch him or repeat any of his dialogue. Jane Danson is acting her little heart out but Rickitt is, quite frankly, taking the p*ss. Overseas viewers should be grateful that when he leaves the show you will (hopefully) never have to see him again. Us poor folks in the UK won't be so fortunate.
Elsewhere, it was nice to see Janice, Toyah, Gail, Martin, Gary, Judy and Jack. Even if it was only briefly. And bring back my Ashley, I say, bring him back.
So, that's it from me. Hope you liked it. If I can drag CP out of hiding then he will be here next week.
Hwyl fawr, Jane
This is a guest update on behalf of Alan Milewczyk.
The episode was sponsored by Cadbury's Caramel and is preceded by the animation of a young lady lying in a hammock on a desert island enjoying her chocolate bar. She is suddenly interrupted by a car horn and wakes up in the Street on a decorator's trestle (shame!).
The episode opens in Ashley's house, the radio is quietly reporting the weather forecast. Leanne is slouched on the sofa pensively rubbing her tummy while in the background Nick is finishing his breakfast. He rises and moves to stand behind her. "Do you want some breakfast?" "I'm not to have anything eight hours before the anaesthetic" "Oh ... right, yeah ... sorry I forgot"
Nick moves around to sit in an armchair. "What time is the taxi coming?" asks Leanne. "er, it's booked for half ten." "I don't know why we're wasting money on a taxi. I can walk. I'm not an invalid." "Leanne, you're going to hospital for an operation." "Operations are something you have when there's something wrong with ya ... there's nothing wrong with me" snaps Leanne in response. "all right a _procedure_ then, you know what I mean." Leanne becomes disconsolate, "yeah I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap. I just hate anything to do with hospitals and doctors." "Yeah I know what you mean" Nick is suddenly upset and starts crying. "I do know it's not easy for you, Leanne" he snivels "I wish I could take your place but I cant . So the least I can do is make you as comfy as possible."
Leanne, leaving the sofa, grabs his head in both hands and ... kisses him (with no visible reaction from Nick) just as Ashley comes down the stairs. Ashley wants to know whether he should bring home some lamb's liver they've got on special offer. Leanne looks disgusted and tells him she hates liver. Ashley asserts that its full of iron and very good for a woman in Leanne's condition. He offers pork chops as an alternative. "You sound more like your uncle Fred every day" quips Nick. "I just thought It'd be nice to have a sit-down meal together, that's all."
Leanne is looking even more sick and claims lack of appetite. Ashley says its good reason to keep her strength up and reminds her that she's eating for two. Leanne is revolted and rushes off upstairs. Poor, bemused Ashley has to believe Nick's explanation that she's not feeling too well so isn't going to work. Ashley asked whether Nick had 'phoned a doctor only to get the response that it wasn't serious but not to be disappointed if she's not very sociable when he gets home in the evening. Ashley promising to keep out of the road takes his coat and leaves for work. Unfortunately we're left with a still frame of Nick looking ... well like Nick looks.
Now for some light relief the scene changes to Mike's office where Alma is delivering the dry cleaning. She explains that they've put a new button on the jacket because "we can't have you going to the ball looking like a scruff." As the camera swings round to follow Alma hanging the suit on the door it reveals Deirdre searching through a filing cabinet draw. Apparently the "bash" is going to start about six but Mike's not planning to get there until seven, if at all. Mike acts disinterested in a boring trade do and is only going because he might get a bit of business out of it. Ironically (because we all know who else is going to be there) Alma works hard to persuade him to go.
Mike's flattering her and he's going to miss her so she turns aside to ask Deirdre, who just happens to be passing on her way back to the files, if she's heard these comments. Deirdre is "trying not to listen." Mike tries once again to get Alma to go with him but Alma is adamant that she must go to Freshco's training scheme.
Deirdre is doing something inexplicable in the corner whilst Alma and Mike have a touching goodbye scene. Alma fiddles with Mikes tie then hugs him, tells him to have a great time and leaves on her way to the training course.
Entering Freshco's store through the rear entrance, Tyrone, who's pushing a trolley, bumps into Curly. [Interestingly the trolley is fitted with one of those chains with a box into which you have to shove a pound before you can take it away - makes me wonder why Freshco is losing so many of them.] Curly's obviously annoyed by finding the terror in his store. Tyrone's just going to leave when Curly asks what's happened to him. Tyrone's explanation is that in retrieving the trolley from a back alley he was jumped by three lads who wanted it back. Having fought them off he's sustained an injury to his ribs.
Curly is feeling sorry for Tyrone so he finds him a job tidying some boxes. Curly promises that if Tyrone does this task well and quickly he might find more work for him. As Tyrone happily rushes off to obey Curly's every whim we see Curly looking as though he doesn't believe he's just done that.
Back to Nick staring out the kitchen window. Leanne arrives down the stairs carrying a very large holdall. Nick wants to know if she's OK. Leanne finishes packing her makeup into the bag. Nick excuses Ashley with "he meant well" and says that he told Ashley that she wasn't feeling too good. Leanne is upset again and wails that she wished they hadn't told anybody she was pregnant in the first place because she hates all the this having to lie. Nick assures her that she won't have to lie because he's going to do all of it.
Leanne is all packed and doesn't need much because she'll be out in a few hours. Looking pained but putting a brave face on she jokes that she might even be home in time for tea. Leanne's mood swings back to great worry as she asks once again whether they're doing the right thing. Leanne jokes that Nick's right, her hormones are "all over the place" and it's a good job he's thinking straight. The taxi arrives and they leave to meet their fate.
Alma [I thought she'd gone off on a course] ear-holes Curly, demanding to know why she's just seen the Dobbs boy with a sweeping brush in his hand. Curly, with his hands in his pockets again [very bad example that], explains that he's told Tyrone to sweep up "he's on trial." "What for - shoplifting?" "No ... I'm letting him work here on a casual basis."
Alma thinks he's mad because Tyrone is a hooligan but Curly thinks he's a misunderstood youth who's never been given a chance. Curly feels sorry for him. Alma points out that Tyrone was the one who broke in to Curly's house in his absence. According to Curly that was kid's stuff - it was his mother that turned it into a squat. Alma still thinks he's off his rocker and is amused that its her being sent on the course to improve recruitment skills. Curly's giving him a chance to prove himself and bets that no one else has ever done that. Alma leaves him with a warning "don't be surprised if you come in tomorrow morning only to find all your stock gone and the locks changed."
A very bossy and officious head nurse leads Leanne and Nick into a room at the clinic. She instructs Leanne to change into a hospital gown because the anaesthetist will be along soon. Oddly, since she's expecting to have an anaesthetic, Leanne asks why? However it's just a routine check that she's not allergic to the anaesthetic and then she'll be taken down to theatre. Afterwards Leanne will be brought back to the room to come round. Nick must wait in the waiting room. In response to Leanne's plea that she doesn't want to wake up on her own, the nurse, with all the sympathy of a charging bull, points out that she'll be fine. The nurse leaves them to have another heart searching session with a bit more weeping (Nick) and wailing (Leanne).
After the mid session interval we return to find Roy pacing around the cafe quoting Spanish (it sounds like La SaGranda Familia but my Spanish is about as good as Roy's :-) Garry, who's having his lunch in the cafe - so much for having no money - asks him what he's talking about. It turns out to be an astonishing cathedral in Barcelona. Construction started in 1882 and its still no where near completion. Garry thinks that's foreign builders for you but Roy points out that it was a massive undertaking. With nary a smile Gail wonders whether Steve McDonald wasn't the main contractor.
Roy's secretly planning to take Haley there for their honeymoon. Gail doesn't think sightseeing in Spain is a very romantic honeymoon destination but Roy points out that they can have a few day's sightseeing then head off into the mountains. Gail recognises that there's the added advantage that they speak the language. To which Roy replies "hardly".
Back in Freshco's it must be going home time as Curly hands Tyrone a few quid for his day's work. "Thanks Curly." "That's Mr Watts to you." "Thanks Mr Watts."
After Curly determines Tyrone's age and school status (he left last summer). He offers to give Tyrone a chance. He'll be on trolleys for now but at the slightest sign of trouble he's down the road so fast ..
Curly also wants him to smarten himself up a bit [don't see how he's going to do that as he's living in a rubbish skip]. Tyrone leaves the store looking very pleased with himself.
Roy is just finishing clearing up when Haley returns to the cafe. She finds Roy's guide book to Spain lying on the counter [after all his admonishing Gail to keep it a secret]. Roy sheepishly states that a customer must have left it behind. Haley knows better and tells Roy not to tell fibs. "Is it that obvious when I tell a lie?" asks Roy "No I can tell because of the way you put stick-on flags on the pages that interest you."
Haley wonders whether Roy's thinking of taking up the language again but Roy has to admit that it was on his list of possible destinations for their honeymoon. Haley is dismayed and tells him to go on his own. She doesn't want to go anywhere where she'll have to show her passport, not after the last fiasco. Poor Roy is crestfallen again.
Later, at the ragtrade ball the female rep, Julia, dressed in a fetching and revealing black evening gown, waits like a wild cat for its prey. But first Mike must get past an old acquaintance, Jim, and his generously proportioned wife, Muriel. Muriel is wearing a shiny number in psychedelic colours. As his contacts are called away by another social meeting the huntress creeps up behind Mike to engage his complete attention. Julia craftily establishes that Mike is all alone and is going to be hers for the evening (and probably the night as well). Unfortunately Jim and Muriel turn back just as things are getting interesting and introductions have to be made. Jim nearly twigs something odd's going on because he doesn't recognise Julia as an employee of the company she claims to represent.
Roy and Haley are having a quite drink (fruit juice of course) in the Rovers [good grief nearly a whole episode with no one drinking in the Rovers]. They are continuing their conversation regarding Spain, and "abroad" in general. Roy thought that their marriage would change things but Hayley is more of a realist and recognises that with bureaucracy it's not that easy. She is pleased that Roy was thinking about taking her for an enjoyable honeymoon. They'll just have to stay in the UK [the Isle of Man perhaps :-)]
Deirdre and Ken are propping up a corner of the bar. Deirdre fancies eating out but Ken doesn't think he can afford it so Deirdre offers to pay. Ken wants Deirdre to start moving in properly by going to her flat to sort out her stuff. Deirdre doesn't think deciding whether to keep her hand whisk or Ken's is a very romantic way to spend the evening. Maybe they should just make do with what's at Ken's house and have a car boot sale with hers. They decide to discus the practicalities over a nice romantic dinner and Ken heads off to the 'phone to book a table. [They're already becoming a comfortable old married couple]
Alma walks in. She was supposed to be on a course in Birmingham but the course director has been taken ill with a migraine so it's been cancelled but they didn't bother telling the attendees until they got there. Deirdre encourages Alma to go to the do and find Mike but Alma is having none of it. It will take another hour's drive to get there so it'll be too late.
Meanwhile Mike is still chatting to Jim and Julia is looking bored by the business talk. She gives Mike her drink while she pops off to the ladies. While she's away Jim and Mike get into "boys" talk about her. Jim's definitely noticed that she's chasing Mike but Mike denies anything's going on because he's a married man and Julia's just being friendly. There again Julia is on her mobile telling her secret partner how she's getting on with seducing Mike.
Back in the Rovers, Haley and Roy have decided where to go on honeymoon. There's plenty to do. Roy suggests monuments, museums, galleries and Haley adds tea rooms. Roy also points out the beautiful country side nearby. So York it is then.
Deirdre is still working on Alma who remains reluctant to go. But just as Ken returns to confirm that he's booked dinner for two at nine thirty Alma changes her mind and heads home to change. Will she get there just in time to catch Mike in a compromising situation?
Across the road Leanne is curled up on the sofa, obviously in a lot of discomfort. Nick hands her a hot water bottle and asks whether it's normal to be in such pain (as if either of them would know). Leanne says they warned her it might happen and that she'll be all right tomorrow. Nick threatens (sorry promises) to take her to casualty if she's not. Ashley arrives and Leanne heads off, slowly and painfully, upstairs to bed. Nick, crying again, tells Ashley that Leanne's lost the baby (there the lie's out in the open).
Now the web is closing in on Mike. The temptress is dropping not very subtle hints that her bed is available to him.
A shocked Ashley is consoling Nick who's still crying. Ashley points out that this morning he was encouraging her to eat for two. He feels like there's a curse on the house, first Shannon then Leanne's baby. Nick, using a grimace to show some sort of emotion, tries to point out that the situations are completely different.
Mike must be thinking his birthday's come early. As he dances with Julia, a beautiful woman half his age, and they decide to go for it Alma arrives in the hotel lobby. Mike makes a last feeble attempt to play the married man card but Julia counters with "I'm not trying to take you away from Alma just have some fun." Mike wants to be discreet however because he thinks his friend Jim has sussed them. They agree that Julia will go up to her room (413) and Mike will follow in twenty minutes.
As Julia leaves the dance hall Alma walks in, nearly knocking her over. Alma, finding Mike busy pouring himself another drink taps him on the shoulder. Mike turns and nearly collapses with shock. "You are glad to see me aren't you" says Alma. "Of course I am, I ..I'm thrilled." As they hug Mike exchanges a pained look over her shoulder with Julia. Julia is obviously very disappointed and heads off to her room alone. She so nearly won - there's more to come yet.
This could have been a very good episode. The heavy drama of the abortion expertly intermixed with some fine lighter interludes. A great deal of the episode was taken up with the intimate and heart rending dialogues between Nick and Leanne. These scenes were played brilliantly by Jane Danson but Adam Rickitt was his usual unrealistically flat self. I really don't know how she can continue to work so well opposite this puppet.
Granada have recognised the possibly disturbing nature of the abortion story line and are offering a free fact sheet available from their studio.
Hiya :)
Well, it's that time again, my Monday Update. Now, those of you who read the newsgroup RATUCS may well have noticed a posting from the very nice Ladyscotia, mentioning that she is (justifiably) tired of the level of whinging there is on this particular discussion group about "that twerp" Adam Rickitt (Nick Tilsley) and his complete inability to act. Since I'd say about 80% of this whinging comes from me, I am going to try and write a whole update tonight without once mentioning his lack of talent, his irritating mannerisms or anything else that I usually rant about. Let's face it, I've said enough in the past for the message to be gotten... and, praise Nirab, it's only 2 more Monday updates to go until he leaves!!! So this time around, in honour of Ladyscotia's wishes, I'm going to go easy on the little bas..er.. on the lad.
Tonight's show premiered a new Cadbury's chocolate animation for the CRUNCHIE bar and, quite frankly, it damn nearly made me jump out of my skin. I've never seen such a loud, garishly coloured and bombastic Cadbury's animation before in my life! Usually it's all soft violin tones or chocolate cartoon characters falling into green fluffy pillows. This was horrible! It was all exploding orange thingies and booming brass sections! Bring back the sleeping cat and his friends, please! (Note to Overseas Viewers - I'm not on LSD, we really do have these weird little promotional animations at the start of each show...)
Anyway, with that out the way, we open the show tonight in Albert Square where all is miserable and bleak with the world... Oops, hang on, it's not Albert Square after all is it? It's the Webster Household, but, as you can probably guess, things are indeed miserable and bleak within it's confines. Sally is putting the girls into their straitjacke...err..anoraks (the straitjackets come later, I imagine, when they grow up to be seriously dysfunctional young adults) when Kevin comes a'knockin' and asks if he can take them to school this morning. Rursie intones "We wunt mum to take us" in a brainwashed parrot-like fashion and then Sickly starts putting the boot in, resuming just where she left off *before* Kevin left. Yep, in the month or so that he's been away absolutely NOTHING has changed! We're straight back into the middle of the War Of The Websters... Shout, shout, shout, moan, moan, moan... "Maybe they'll let you take them tomorrow", hisses the Horrible Harpie, "If you're staying around for that long"... Kev tries to apologise, explaining that following the outcome of the custody hearing he was deeply upset and not in his right mind but Sally just lectures him on how he's "got a lot of fences to mend".
Cut to the Baldwins' flat where Mike is examining himself in the mirror with a look on his face that could only be thinking about his plans for Julia Stone. Just then, Alma walks by on her way out to work and he stops her to tell her, snappily, that he won't be in all weekend since he has to "go down to London to see some suppliers". She doesn't mind, adding that it must be important if he's willing to sacrifice his usual weekend golf game for it... He just smiles, very broadly indeed, into the mirror... Oooooh, the little swine!
A very brief and wordless scene ensues now as Kevin returns to the Garage and heads into the back office, surprised to find that someone has set up a sleeping bag on the floor there! (No prizes if you guess who that belongs to...)
So, moving swiftly along, we find ourselves in Roy's Rolls where Lady Hayley of Patterson comes downstairs, on her way out to work, and wonders why her fiance has been up since 4am! "You're not getting cold feet?" she asks him and, as he laughs nervously "No more than normal", she chuckles "What you did before you had my back to warm them on, I don't know" (aww)... He begins to express concern about his quest for a Best Man and doesn't think that he really needs one since "it's not compulsory". Hayley however is quite adamant that they will have a traditional wedding, Best Man and all!! A rather amusing exchange follows:
Lady H: "There must be somebody, a friend?"
Sir R: "You're me only friend.. I mean only close friend.. You, then Gail" (the metaphorical lightbulb appears over his head at this point!)
Lady H: (Sternly) "You are NOT having Gail as your Best Man! What would people say??" - Pause - "What about Martin?"
Sir R: "W..well, he wouldn't mind, he's quite broad-minded..."
Lady H: "Noooo, I meant as your Best Man.. I mean, he is a friend.."
Sir R: "Only as Gail's husband.."
Lady H: "Ask him!"
...and with that we cut back to Misery Central, half way down the Despair Line heading towards Glum City via Sadville. As Sickly packs her boxes of knickers into the back of the van, Alison rounds the corner with Loathsome Linda and notices that Kevin's Garage door is open again... Linda reckons it must be the bailiffs come to haul his stuff away, but Alison isn't so sure. As they pass by, The Manic Mechanic emerges from the gloom and, needless to say, this comes as quite a surprise. Even more of a surprise for the poor girl is when he tells her he's been back for a couple of days now without telling her and, to cap it all off, he's already told Sickly! Needless to say, she's deeply hurt by all this and, as she walks off in a rage, Kev starts to realise that maybe he's handled all this somewhat badly... Meanwhile, across the Street, N..N.....NI....NIIII....NICK walks out of the corner shop and bumps into Martin, who appears to have suspicions about Leanne's supposed "miscarriage". He questions his stepson a little about abortion, mentioning that it's something of a coincidence that only days after discussing the idea of a termination, Leanne has a "miscarriage"... Nick covers it up about as well as the spot on his forehead so Martin figures out what's happened, shakes his head and goes "tssssssssk" in that special way of his.
Meanwhile at Mr Baldwin's Underworld Of Delight, the Factory Bees are hard at work, hardly working. Linda and Janice start to gossip as Alison heads tearfully into the loo. The Loathsome One explains all about Kevin's return and, this is how rumours get started you know, how it seems he's actually gone back to Sally rather than Alison since he told her first of his homecoming. Janice shakes her head and sighs, as we cut to inside Mr Baldwin's office where he's making a phonecall in whispers to one Miss Julia Stone. Hayley knocks the door of the office nervously and Mike spins round and assumes she's been listening in on his conversation. "Who the Hell gave you the right to listen to my phonecalls??" he snaps, nastily and, as Hayley tries to apologise, he demands to know what she wanted. She explains that she just was wondering if perhaps she could use the machines during her lunch hour to sew her wedding dress but, sadly, gets nowt but a mouth of abuse for her troubles. "I don't want you in here when you're supposed to be out! You'll be going through my desk next!" he shouts and Lady H is forced to leave, sheepishly and crestfallen...
Over at the College, Miranda has set up an exhibition (although it actually looks more like a shrine) to her nude drawings of Nick. She tells him what a great subject he was and how he evidently loved being the centre of attention. He seems a bit distracted and she asks about Leanne, which prompts him to tell all about the abortion (oh, so it's ok for *HIM* to tell whoever *HE* wants, just not Leanne?? What a double- standard!!) and, to add insult to injury, he can't understand why she's being "dead weepy and stuff"!!! He is under the impression she should be glad about it and Miranda, the daft cow, reassures him that Leanne'll be "fine in a couple of days"! Can't we find a *decent* bloke for Leanne, please? And Toyah, while we're at it!
The Royal Couple are sitting in the Rovers with Gail and Martin, having a drink. Sir Royston is sipping a glass of sherry, something which doesn't go unnoticed by Nurse Platt who remarks "Sherry at lunchtime, Roy? You'll be jumpin' off buses before they've stopped, next!" before Sir R murmurs "Ah, well, you see that's not possible nowadays what with the doors... Although, on the old Routemaster... Er, not that I ever did..." only to be cut off by Gail who explains that her husband was only joking... Anyway, it becomes clear that Roy is deeply nervous about something and, eventually he spits it out and asks Martin to be his Best Man. The Nutty Nurse accepts the position but seems a little taken aback by the whole prospect. Hayley and Gail meanwhile giggle and bounce about like little schoolgirls! :)
Just then, Kevin enters the pub and is ordered into the back room by Natalie who, it seems, wants to talk business. As they disappear out back, Alma enters to find Mike at the bar. She is bearing good news! It transpires that she actually has a day off this Friday and, thus, suggests that she could go to London with him and have a look round the shops whilst he meets his "suppliers". Mike, shocked, hastily whips up an excuse about him not actually being in Central London but travelling all around Watford, Kent and Reading without time to stop for pleasure... Reluctantly, his long-suffering wife believes every word and sighs, as he grins and orders another Scotch... Swine!
...where Natalie and Kevin are deep in their argument about the state of the Garage. He was hoping that she'd understand why he ran away and abandoned everything for awhile but she is furious about what's happened to the business. Apparently, people have been coming into the bar, asking her what's going on (strange... cos we viewers haven't seen *ANYBODY*ANYWHERE* mention Kevin at all since he vanished!) and she's ended up clueless and looking stupid, not knowing what to say. On top of all that, it's being closed for so long has now rendered it destroyed and irredeemable as a business, she reckons. "It's all you've got, so it's in your best interests to make it work again" is her parting shot, leaving him looking regretful and worried.
So we cut to The House of Elliot for the most suprising scene of the whole night. Les has come round to see Leanne and he's carrying a bunch of flowers (bought ones, wrapped 'n' all, not stolen from the cemetary!)... He hands them to her and asks how she's doing before giving her a light hug. She is feigning contentment and pretending that she's fine, offering to make him a cup of tea and smiling a cracked smile, but it's obvious that she's on the verge of breaking down again. He seems a bit lost for words and asks her again if she's okay, adding this time "are you gonna be okay, like, for the future?" - Leanne smiles again and tells him that of course she will, there's no reason for her not to be. She laughs and tells him "You're too young to be a Grandad anyway"...
Les: "I've been a horrible enough dad. I had a... I... I just thought I might be able to get it right this time round..."
Leanne: (Smiling much wider now, in a way that makes it obvious she's about to crack at any second) "Don't be soft..."
Les: "Come on.. I was never there when you needed me.. and when I was, I wasn't much use...." (he sighs) ".. I never said anything to Janice, but I reckon that was part of the reason you rushed off to get wed.."
Leanne: (Shocked) "You what?"
Les: (His eyes begin to glaze, he talks slowly) "To get out of my house.. to get away from me.. start your own family.."
Leanne: (Cutting him off, her eyes filling up too) "Dad! I got married to Nick because... I loved him... and I wanted to be with him..." (there's much emphasis on the past tense here)
Les: "Yeah, I bet he's gutted about this as well..."
Leanne: (Biting her lip, trying not to cry) "Yep"
Les: (Mumbling a little) "'Ere... you won't tell Janice about the flowers, will you?"
Leanne: (Her voice cracking severely) "Why not? They're lovely..."
Les: "I don't want people thinkin' I'm going soft, do I?"
Leanne: (Breaking down completely and hugging him) "Oh dad!" (He hugs her back and starts crying too)
Amazingly, this was a deeply, deeply moving scene... I knew Bruce Jones had it in him from what we saw during the 'Toyah In London' storyline but, really, it's so rare to see him actually do a convincing 'Tender Les', that's it's still very surprising when it happens. Howver, the scene stealer is Jane Danson. Words just aren't good enough to describe the sheer depth of her performance and range of emotions in this scene. Brilliant, brilliant stuff.
So now we cut across to the Rovers, for some light relief, err which come to think of it, is the very subject of the discussion between Jack and Maxine across the bar. He reckons that they (or more specifically, SHE) should start doing massages over at the Salon and she plays along, telling him what a good idea that is... "It's very physical", she purrs sexily, leaning in closer towards him as his eyebrows start to raise, "rrrrreally satisfying, you feel like you're in tune with the body, releeeeeasing the tension, relaxxxing.... you get a reeeeeal buzz out of it, you know"... Needless to say, this has very much peaked his interest and he begins to explain about his (infamous) back troubles and how he could *really* do with a massage. "Well, I could ask Tom..." she replies, to his horror and he stutters "I thought you said you enjoyed it and got satisfaction??"... She responds, slyly, "Yeah, Tom's got a wonderful touch!" which shuts him up, pronto!! Arf arf! Just then, his lady wife Vera enters and wonders what they're talking about. Max explains that they were discussing the prospect of massages at the Salon, an appealing idea indeedy to the Duchess Of Duck, who comments racily on how lovely it would be to have "Young Tom" relaxing her muscles. Jack gets on his moral high horse and, of course, condemns her for even considering something so sordid as a massage from an attractive member of the opposite sex! LOL! A very amusing scene with, brace yourself, a really good quality bit of acting from Tracy Shaw!
Back at The House Of Elliot, Leanne is looking at her face in a compact mirror and pushing her flesh around in deep thought... Nick enters and mumbles something unintelligble, to which she replies that Les has been round... "You didn't tell him did you?" asks Nick and, justifiably, Leanne snaps "IS THAT ALL YOU CARE ABOUT?" back at him, proceeding to inform him that her dad was actually very sweet and compassionate about the whole thing, even going so far as to bring her flowers (something I notice *NICK* never did, the bastard)... "Sometimes I don't think you realise how difficult this has been for me" she begins and he tries to tell her that he does and that it's not been easy for him either. Two seconds later, however, he's telling her that they should start thinking now about moving to Canada (for *HIS* education, I should add... of course, unless it's the University of Life, it's not going to do him much good, it seems)... Needless to say, she's mortified that he could be so selfish as to consider this so soon after such a major event in her life. He doesn't seem to notice or care.
Kevin and Curly are sitting on the floor of the garage drinking beer out of cans and having a 'manly' talk, waiting to see if whoever was using the mystery sleeping bag was likely to return. The Manic Mechanic is wondering if Curly ever thought of just *completely* disappearing when he left for Kuala Lumpur. Curly explains that there was no point, since no matter what you do to hide yourself, it's always your own face you have to look at in the mirror every morning (a very true point, indeed)... "It was the beard that made me decide finally", he muses, "I tried to grow one and after three weeks, I looked like I'd half-eaten a hamster"... They laugh and then go onto to the question of 'ties'. Kevin says he has too many in Weatherfield to let go of and Curly wonders if he's referring to the girls or... Sally (!)... The Manic Mechanic murmurs that "you can never get back what you had", which prompts Curly to talk briefly about Racquel and what he misses about her: "It's the things that you share... The things that make you both laugh, and no one knows what you're on about... That's what I miss the most..." (*snivvle*, why don't they just BRING BACK RACQUEL???)... Changing the subject rapidly, he goes onto asking Kev about Alison and what's happening there. Kevin realises he doesn't stand a chance with her now, since he's lost the girls, the house and his business... In fact, he doesn't even have a bed to sleep in. Curly, however, offers help in the form of putting him up at his house. "We can call the house "Dunroamin" (done roamin') to remind us that you can never run away"... "I'll drink to that!" chirps Kevin and drink they do. A very lovely scene, too, I might add.
Maybe it's just me, but the next scene, although a sort of mirror image, seemed like such a horrid contrast. Sharon and Sally are sitting in the Rovers discussing the same subject, Kevin's return. Gurn-O-Matic detects a note of disappointment in Sickly's voice when she explains how Kev came back for the gurrrls, not for her. This is merely her imagination running wild though, as it seems RSick is more than happy to steer clear of men altogether for awhile. Then they start getting all bitter and twisted about Natalie Barnes, wondering why "nice girls like themselves" (SALLY?? NICE??? On what planet??) can't get a bloke whereas The Sleeveless One seems to have "more men than the Grand Old Duke Of York"! "I'm just glad for the gurrls, that he's back" says Sally, all little-miss-innocent, conveniently neglecting to mention the abuse and insults she's thrown Kevin's way since his return! They have a bit of a laugh as we pan across to where Alison and Linda are sitting, wondering "what she's celebrating". The Loathsome One, cynical as ever, explains that she's probably chuffed because Kev's gone back to her but Alison, ever trusting, tries to defend him, saying he only went to see Sally before her because of the gurrls... Needless to say, this excuse flies over Linda's head and she suggests that "tomorrow night, let's go out, find a couple of fellas and treat 'em dead mean"... Tsk tsk, two wrongs don't make a right, you know.
So back to the Garage, where Tyrone lowers himself through a skylight on a rope (rofl! Action Man Dobbs!), only to be confronted by Kevin and Curly who, of course, have been waiting for their mystery squatter. The Manic Mechanic tells the Dobbs boy to begone forever but Tyrone, ever the enterprising young lad, suggests that he was doing Kev a favour looking after the place and being a "night watchman"! As they shake their heads at his excuse and kick him out, Curly asks, concernedly, "Where are you gonna stay now??" to which Tyrone sighs and mumbles morbidly "Whaddyou care, as long as I'm not late for work, eh?" before leaving into the darkness of the Street outside...
The final scene tonight is back in The House Of Elliot, where Gail and Martin have come round to comfort Nick and Leanne about their recent miscarriage. It appears Martin has not said anything about his abortion suspicions and Gail is trying her best to be supportive about the whole thing, explaining that "these things happen" and telling Leanne that, although Nick puts on a macho exterior (!!) he's probably really really upset himself since he's just soooo hypersensitive and caring... After a few minutes of her usual "All praise my wonderful son" rubbish, Leanne finally has an outburst...
Gail: "Sensitivity may not count in some families but in my family, it's better than being a macho bigmouth..."
Leanne: (Rising slowly from the sofa, unleashing all the anger she's kept up over the past few days) "What about being a hypocrite?? Is that important too?"
Martin: "Maybe we should go, Gail... Leanne's still upset..."
Gail: "I.. I don't understand?"
Leanne: "...and a liar? I don't suppose that counts either?"
Nick: "Please Lee don't..."
Leanne: "I don't see why I should have to lie. SHE uses it to have a pop at me dad!"
Gail: "Would somebody please tell me what's going on?"
Leanne: "Me dad came round today... He was heartbroken about me losing the baby... I had to lie to him..." (looks at Nick) "...then I have to SIT HERE and listen to how SENSITIVE you are!" (looks back at Gail.. starts crying) "He's so sensitive he's scared to tell you the truth! Well, I'm not! I didn't lose the baby.." (begins to whimper) "I got rid of it.. I had an abortion..."
Gail: (Looking at Nick, solemnly) "...and you knew?"
Leanne: "You think it's something I'd do behind his back???" (screaming now) "He was so DESPERATE for me to get rid of it, he paid for me to go private!!! Couldn't even wait ONE AFTERNOON for the NHS to book me in! IS THAT SENSITIVE ENOUGH FOR YOU???"
With that, she covers her face and runs upstairs leaving Gail staring straight ahead, hopefully realising what a waste of space, useless, insensitive, selfish, uncaring, dumb and pathetic son she has... and the actor who plays him isn't any better either! ;) (DOOHHHH!!!! Almost made it! Sorry Katherine!!! :))
Cue credits.
This episode was written by David Lane (there's a name we don't see very often) and was about 50/50... Some of the storylines are really dire at the moment (Kevin vs Sally - Round 666! No thankyou!) and the prominence of a certain character/actor is still a burden but, despite this, Mr Lane managed to wrench some mighty fine scenes out tonight.
However, *by far* the winner of the episode was Jane Danson who has shot straight up the list from "one of the best young actresses the show has" to simply "one of the best actresses the show has", regardless of age or mainstay status. Quite simply, her performance tonight was breathtaking. Far beyond the weepy, shouty stuff that we've seen her do well before (albeit do well before). Her range of emotions (most notably in the scene between Leanne and Les) was absolutely astonishing to behold and I really hope that she gets the acclaim she so richly deserves for this.
Anyway, that's me lot for this week. I've already waffled enough about the other stuff throughout the rest of the Update and see no need to repeat myself, especially since Jane Danson stole the entire show herself.
So, 'til next time! :)
The Rattler
Dear Update Readers,
"Oh no!" I can hear some of you saying: "Not that awful, foul-mouthed, over-the-top, sad old drama queen again!" Well actually no, it isn't Paul Baker - God bless him - it's me! (I'm sure Paul won't mind a little gentle ribbing. And no, I don't have a cold: I *did* say 'ribbing'). Yes I'm back - after eight months in the wilderness, this marks my return to the high octane world of CS updating on a more or less regular basis. I am actually filling the opening, so to speak, provided by John Laird, who is leaving for pastures new. (And soon to re-appear, after a little corrective surgery, as Joanna Laird). I'm sure those of you who have enjoyed John's updates - and I am one of that trio - will wish him well in his new persona. (And to those sceptics who say that John is merely fulfilling every straight man's dream - namely to have a pair of breasts that he can play with whenever the mood takes him - I say: think again! Changing one's sex is not something that one enters into lightly. No man in his right mind would say: "Oh, I'm not busy next week - I think I'll have me willy chopped off." It's far more complex than that. Apparently.)
Anyway, John's Sunday update slot has become vacant, and that other inimitable old pro, Ros Mitchell, is stepping into it. Which leaves Ros's Wednesday slot free for yours truly. Of course, this will not be to everyone's liking: even as we speak, that deranged spinster halfway up a volcano in New Zealand is faxing off to Haiti for a little CP doll and a hundred pins. But before you all start to unsubscribe in droves, let me assure you that you won't be having me every week. (You should be so lucky!) I shall be with you once a fortnight, and on alternate Wednesdays you will be exposed to the mega writing talent that is Jane 'Ricey' Rice. You may already know her - she is no stranger to RATUCS - and I'm sure you'll love her as much as I do. It's wonderful to see her writing updates. Indeed, it's pretty amazing that she is able to put pen to paper at all, given that it's only a fortnight since she finished her electro-shock treatment. Jane is a very brave woman, and an inspiration to us all.
And so down to business. Subscribing, as I do, to the Tinky School of Prologues That Make "War And Peace" Look Like A Note For The Milkman, I shall do my prologue in the form of a diary, chronicling the events of my past week. (Actually this is from three weeks ago, but what the heck!?) Anyway, if you think I'm confusing you with someone who gives a toss, you can always scroll down to the update proper!
CP's Diary
Thursday
My aunt Rose phones to remind me not to forget my parent's wedding anniversary. They've been married for 46 years, which is amazing when you consider that one could have done three life sentences for murder and got out sooner. She's planning a surprise for them: she's doing an astrological chart of the exact time of their wedding, "to see whether they're compatible or not." I tell her that it's a bit late after 46 years to think of incompatibility. "It's never too late to realise what a mistake you've made," she says. I say that since I'm a very logical, practical and down-to-earth Virgo, I don't believe in any of that astrological mumbo jumbo. "Actually," she says, "I've never thought you were a typical Virgo. Virgos are supposed to be ultra-clean and obsessed with hygiene. Considering some of the things *you* put in your mouth, you hardly qualify." I say nothing, although there's plenty I could retaliate with. For a start, she has no room to talk about sexual irregularity. I mean, this is the woman whose husband left her because she couldn't deliver in the bedroom department. For years, her nickname was "February 29th". Presumably because she only came once every four years.Friday
I pick my godson, Nathan, up from school at lunchtime and bundle him off in a taxi to his Grade 2 piano practical at Old Elvet Methodist Church. We are half an hour early, which is just as well because the steward in charge of the examination has noticed an error on the list of candidates: Nathan is down as being 15 rather than 11. It takes twenty minutes and several phone calls hither and thither to sort otu. When it's all resolved, we breathe a collective sigh of relief. The steward turns to me and says: "I *thought* you didn't look old enough to have a 15-year old lad!" Nathan whispers in my ear: "Surely the question should be: is a 15-year old lad old enough to have a 36-year old man?!" Fortunately the steward doesn't hear this, and I'm relieved when the time comes for him to go through the big green wooden door at the end of the waiting room and into the hall where the exam is to be held. By this time I am a bag of nerves, so I go outside among the graves for a cigarette or five. Fifteen minutes later and it's all over: Nathan emerges, a little red-faced but beaming from ear to ear. "What arpeggios did she ask you to play? Did you remember the pedalling on the Bartok piece? Was your fingering okay on the chromatic scales?" He shrugs my questions off and reaches into his pocket for some chewing gum, while I light another cigarette. He's taken the exam but I'm the one with frayed nerves. Eventually he says that everything went well, considering that he'd never met the (female) examiner before. "Maybe I should have greeted her the same way that Bill Clinton greets his female secretaries on their first day at the White House," he says. "How's that?" I say. "Well, whenever Bill Clinton meets a woman for the first time, he says: 'Ooh, I haven't come across *your* face before!' " (It takes several seconds for me to get the joke, but I daren't box his ears - not so soon after an exam, anyway).Saturday
Dinner at Ian's place and out for a drink afterwards. He has come to a big decision, and it looks as though a career change is definitely on the cards. He's not sure what he wants to do, though, and bemoans the fact that he has no real skill to fall back on. (Unless you call the ability to take off a pair of Calvin Kleins with your teeth in less than 20 seconds a skill, that is). I tell him that it's never too late to learn. Eventually he says that he might like to try his hand at IT. Jobs for computer experts are plentiful, what with the Millenium Bug and all that. "And who knows?" he says. "I could be Durham's very own Millenium Bugger!"Sunday
There's an old Jewish saying: "It's easier to phone your mother than not to phone your mother", and I guess it's true. And besides, if I phone her, it may just prevent her from calling me dead on 7.30, when the Street starts. Anyway, her main snippet of news is that she's off to the local college next week to see "a slide-show presentation on tyranny". I am momentarily gobsmacked: since when has my mother been interested in politics or current affairs? I mean, this is the woman who thinks the Khmer Rouge is the latest line from Revlon, and that bulimia is a small country in South America. Maybe it's because she lived through the blitz, and is now trying to understand why such atrocities as the Holocaust can happen. "Why the sudden interest in tyranny?" I ask. "Oh," she says, "Brenda Cracknell went there last summer and says it's fabulous, so I'm thinking of going." I take a deep breath. "You did say 'tyranny', didn't you?" I ask. "Yes," she says, "it's in Italy, apparently, so I shan't need any injections." After a few minutes of giddy and perplexing conversation, I realise that the slideshow is not about 'tyranny' at all. "I think you mean 'Tuscany', mother!" I tell her exasperatedly. "That's what I said," she says: "You're just not paying attention!" I say nothing: sometimes it's better that way.Monday
My ex-flatmate, Mark, rings in a blind panic: he has got a ring stuck on his finger, and it's swollen up something like a veritable balloon. He's tried soap, cooking oil, baby lotion - but the bugger won't budge. The only solution, he concludes, is to drive to A&E and have it cut off, something he's loathe to do since it was a present from an old boyfriend. I tell him that I had to have a ring cut off once, and that it's a relatively simple procedure. Anyway, half an hour later and we're sitting in Dryburn hospital A&E, waiting to be seen by a doctor. Or at least someone with a pair of pliers. Mark's finger is really swollen by now and he's scared that if he's not seen soon, it'll become gangrenous and drop off. (I tell him it was a good job the ring was on his finger, and not elsewhere). I try to humour him, but the piped muzak doesn't help. It's that anodyne kind of elevator muzak that they play, ostensibly to calm people down, but which always ends up making you want to smash the loudspeaker. One of tonight's 'easy listening' choices is, amazingly enough, Nancy Wilson singing "You've Got Your Troubles", which is hardly the kind of thing you want to hear if you've just been pulled out of a car smash and hauled through the avocado-and-peach interior of Dryburn Accident and Emergency suite. Anyway, two hours later and we're still sitting there - until Mark spies a male nurse he thinks he knows. ("I never forget a face," he says, "especially when I've sat on it.") Anyway, his sometime acquaintance pulls strings and within minutes we are being ushered into a cubicle where another nurse then appears, wielding what looks like an oversize pair of secateurs. Mark is embarrassed by the whole thing, but the nurse puts him at his ease. "Don't worry, we get all sorts in here," she says. And then, in hushed tones she confides: "Last week we had a man in here who'd got a headless Barbie doll stuck up his arse. Certainly puts your swollen finger into perspective." Well this set Mark off into paroxysms of laughter, so much so that he didn't feel the ring being sliced off his finger. We were still laughing when we got home. "A Barbie doll you can understand," he kept saying, "but why headless?? And does Ken know??"Tuesday
Not only has that bastard Rupert Murdoch and his Sky satellite channel robbed us terrestrial-TV viewers of premier league football, he has also secured a monopoly on the Oscar ceremony as well. According to 'one of my pals' in Canada, who shall remain nameless (but you know who you are, Kathleen sweetie), this year's bash was one of the most forgettable, but then I don't think she sees it quite through the same eyes. The Oscar ceremony is a tribute to everything that is camp and kitsch and over-the-top - and I'm not talking about the films, either, although no doubt some of them qualify as such. I'm talking mainly about the costumes, the make-up and the acceptance speeches of those who attend, all of which provide excellent bitching fodder. I had to make do with little snatches - frustrated straight men will know how I feel! - on the news and morning television, but it's not the same. I would love to have seen the smug and eminently slappable Gwyneth Paltrow win the Tom Hanks/Sally Field Award for most sick-making acceptance speech of the year, in response to her Best Actress award. (Which should have gone to Meryl Streep, by the way). Clad in a huge pink number that apparently made her look like a cross between a bargain-basement Grace Kelly and an explosion in a blancmange factory, the silly bitch broke into tearless sobs and thanked everyone from the man holding the clapperboard to her dead cousin Keith. Anyway, the only redeeming feature of the whole shenanigans was the Best Supporting Actress award, which went to the wondrous Dame Judi Dench, a lady of incomparable grace and style beside whom Gwyneth looks like a sixth-form amateur. No matter that Dame Judi's role in "Shakespeare in Love" is only eight minutes long: this woman could appear in a film for three seconds, fart, exit stage left, and still deserve the Oscar for it. (Oh, and thank the Lord that the God-awful Tom Hanks didn't win. Ditto the film he was in - 'Saving Ryan's Privates' or whatever it was called. I don't usually get on my soapbox - unless it's to have fun with very tall men - but Spielberg is another one who leaves me totally stone cold).
Which brings us to Wednesday, and the Update! So here goes:
The episode opens chez the Websters, where Kevin, rested and relaxed after his cottage holiday, has come round to tell Sally that he has an appointment with the solicitor to sort out the alimony back payments he owes her. Such sudden rectitude leaves Sally somewhat gobsmacked, and she is struck dumb even further when he tells her that he plans to have his name taken off the house deeds. Their conversation is politeness personified, and Kevin remarks: "We're becoming civilised in our old age, aren't we?" (A lot of people will no doubt warm to this new, softer, more laid-back Kevin, but I'm not so sure. But then I still rue the day that he shaved his moustache off. Along with yuppies and shoulder pads, Kev's moustache symbolises all that was deliciously naff about the Eighties; in fact, for some of us, Kev's moustache *was* the Eighties. I know time can't stand still, but you'd think he'd grow a little designer stubble, just for his diehard fans).
At the House of Elliot, a near miracle has taken place, because Adam Rickett is actually having a laudable stab at acting! (Either that or I was having acid flashbacks, I don't know). He is having a mega hissy fit over Leanne's outburst, during which she let slip to Gail that she'd had an abortion. They say that when someone is in the last days of a terminal illness, they suddenly appear as though they're getting better, and I think this is why Old Mother Rickett and her washboard came to life this evening. It's the storm before the calm of his leaving, mark my words. You won't see acting like this from him again, believe me. Before you can say 'hammy little whoopsie', he'll be back to his old ways.)
As Kevin leaves the Webster household among laughter and cries of merriment, he is seen by Linda and Alison on the other side of the street. Talk about being seen in the wrong place at the wrong time! Anyway, Linda helps Alison to put two and two together and make four, and to conclude that this touching tableau of a family clearly at ease with itself heralds the imminent rapprochement of Sally and Kevin. Nothing could be further from the truth, of course, but Alison doesn't know that. And Linda doesn't want her to know that. (Linda is fast becoming the Street's Greek chorus: woe, woe and thrice woe! Death and doom and destruction before teatime! I suspect she's been taking lessons from my mother). She later wastes no time in announcing to all and sundry that Sally and Kevin are, indeed, back together. Alison, poor poppet, can only look on in anguish.
Inside Underworld, the Drear is droning on to Mike Baldwin about the imminent visit from his accountant, but Mike is clearly pre-occupied with thoughts of Julia Stone and oodles of chopped liver sundae. He snaps at Drear to cancel the engagement with the accountant, who, as Deirdre says, will probably prefer to be off playing golf anyway. (Who knows, maybe he will score a hole-in-one at exactly the same time Mike does!)
Gail and Martin, meanwhile, are picking over the bones of last night's revelation. Gail has come to the conclusion - after possibly five seconds' deliberation - that it was obviously Leanne who orchestrated the whole abortion business, clearly against Nick's wishes. Martin tells her not to be so rash in her appraisal of the situation, and that since he heard about it from Nick himself, he knows differently. Gail is taken aback to think that her precious Nick could have bypassed her and told Martin all his and Leanne's secrets rather than her. Martin tells her that it's quite natural, and reminds Gail that she too was close to having an abortion when she was pregnant with David - a situation that she would never have dreamed of disclosing to Nick.
Chez the Battersbys, Janice and Toyah - goddesses that they are - are seated together on the sofa, sipping soup. Les enters and is almost knocked over by the smell, which he attributes immediately to Toyah's malodorous trainers. Toyah tells him that it is simply cabbage soup, which they are imbibing as part of an endeavour to purge their bodies of toxins and lose weight before the wedding. Les reiterates his intention to prevent Toyah from going to what he calls "that freakshow", which, he warns, will be be "full of Rumanian shotputter-types and drag queens". (Very much like a ratucs ping, by all accounts!)
Talking of the wedding, at the cafe, Roy is somewhat concerned that Toyah will choose her own outfit for the wedding, but Hayley slaps him down immediately. "Toyah is coordinating her outfit with mine," she snarls (well it seemed like a snarl to me), "and so that is the end of the conversation." Roy, well and truly put in his place, makes a mental note to find Hayley's hormone tablets and bin them: femininity is one thing, but surely if she planned to wear the trousers in this relationship - and parade the fact in front of a cafe-full of customers - she could have saved herself the trouble of a painful operation?! (I hope that Roy will have the guts to stand up to her and show her that he is the one with balls, so to speak. There's no sadder sight to behold than a downtrodden man).
That's not to say, of course, that I don't admire a strong woman, and there's no stronger woman on the Street right now than Janice. When Leanne tells her that she has had an abortion, Janice is a veritable tower of strength, offering support, compassion and advice in equal amounts. This short exchange between Leanne, Janice and Toyah was an absolute gem: three of the Street's most accomplished actresses together in a scene of exquisitite dramatic understatement and perfect timing. The upshot of the scene is Leanne's realisation that while she knows how she herself feels, she hasn't really given Nick scope to express his feelings.
And so she goes to the college to find him, but bumps into Miranda instead. Miranda tells her that she should be resting, and that given time, she will get over what has happened. Leanne suddenly realises that Miranda knows everything, and her fears are confirmed when she is suddenly pulled into Miranda's embrace, and the cloying display of empathy that accompanies it. Not only, it seems, does Miranda know all about the abortion, but she was also instrumental in Nick's decision to have Leanne go ahead with it.
At the Rovers, Hayley - and I wish to heavens that she'd get rid of that manky old red anorak - interrupts Janice and Linda to remind that the former that she has yet to reply to the wedding invite. Janice says that she has every intention of attending the wedding, and that Toyah will be there - Les's protests to the contrary notwithstanding. Linda says that she has already availed herself of the "half-price manicure for wedding guests" offer, even though, as she makes quite clear, she has no intention of attending the wedding. "If I want to go to the circus," she tells Hayley, "I'll book the Big Top." Hayley, a little piqued, says that it's okay by her, and that she (i.e. Linda) won't be missed. (Venomous little creature, this Linda, but I'm sure she must have a redeeming feature or two somewhere. It's just taking a long time to shine through, that's all).
Back at the House of Elliot, Whoopsie Boy continues to startle with his new-found ability to act as he rips into Leanne, who has accused him of telling Miranda everything and now has to listen to all of his counter attacks. The scene ends with no resolution in sight, apart from the feeling that this young couple's days are, indeed, numbered. Later, Whoopsie drowns his sorrows in the Rovers over a shot of brandy bought for him by Jim McDonald. However, the magic woven by the Good Acting Fairy was wearing off by now, because his downing of the drink was far from accomplished: he left half of it in the glass.
Alison gives Kevin the house keys back, and tries to brush off his claims that he didn't mean to upset her. As he endeavours to tell her that he isn't getting back with Sally, a bemused Tyrone watches from the other side of the street ("This is better than the telly, this!" he shouts), but Kevin gives him a tongue-lashing and sends him away. Alison ends the conversation by telling Kevin that she hopes he and Sally will be very happy together - before correcting herself and saying: "Actually, no, I hope you'll both be very miserable together."
And that, as they, say, was it.
I'm off to recuperate from a fantabulous holiday in Paris and blood-poisoning, in that order. Ricey will be with you next week, providing that her liposuction is a success.
hugs to you all,
CP
Hello everyone, my name is Helen Johns and I'm here doing a guest update for Alan Milewczyk. It has been just about a year since I last posted an update, so for the benefit of those who haven't been reading these forever, I shall re-introduce myself. I'm a Midlander by birth (Evesham, Worcestershire if anyone's interested), and a scientist by profession. I'm now 35 and I have been aware of The Street's existence since I was a child, but I only became a true fan in 1990, when I met my other half, Mike. I discovered Graham Allsopp's web site (now at http://www.corrie.net) and through that, the ratucs newsgroup and all who post in her. I became a regular updater when the Street went to 4 episodes per week, and continued to relate the Friday goings-on until April last year. Then I changed my job and moved from London to Salisbury. I lost the luxury of free unlimited web and news access which I had enjoyed (being at http://www.graylab.ac.uk), and due to horrendous problems with our house sale, it was 6 months before Mike could leave as well and come and join me. Having sold the house, I then went straight out and bought a home computer, since I was by then suffering chronic newsgroup withdrawal syndrome. I have been lurking again on ratucs since Christmas, and though I don't often post, I enjoy reading it all. Mike and I have been to a few pings (London twice and Manchester) and I really enjoyed putting faces to names and getting to know some of the regulars - UK, Canada and elsewhere - a bit better. So hello again to 'anyone who knows me' as they used to say. Anyway, that's enough about me; what you really want to know is what's been happening down Weatherfield way. So here it is:
We begin with Kevin opening up the garage in the rain. He sees some of the girls going in to the factory, including Alison. She does not look across and Kevin grimaces ruefully. Meanwhile, Curly catches Tyrone in the act of nicking a bottle of milk from Gail's (I think) doorstep. Curly threatens to sack Tyrone from Freshcos and Tyrone immediately promises he'll never do it again. Curly wonders why he bothers.
At the factory, Hayley is yawning because she has been up until 2am sewing her wedding dress. Janice advises her to throw a 'sickkie' but Hayley's conscience wouldn't let her do that. Linda collars Alison to find out if Kevin has been in touch. Alison says no, and she doesn't expect to hear from him again. Linda is pleased.
In the Kabin, Rita tries to be nice to Leanne, who seems distracted. Gail comes in and Leanne wishes her a Happy Birthday. Gail is 41 today, and Rita assures her it gets better from now on. Leanne, on the other hand, can't wait to be out of her teenage years. Leanne accepts Gail's invitation for her and Nick to go for a drink later. Leanne is surprised that Gail is still talking to her. Gail kindly says she is still her daughter-in-law.
In the cafe, Curly and Tyrone are having breakfast. Under questioning, Tyrone admits that he never had a bed at Marcus's house and has been sleeping rough all the time; he's eating as if it is his first hot food in weeks. Curly says he needs to smarten himself up in order to keep his job and get a room, and Tyrone is pleased when Curly offers to take him home and give him a bath and some clothes.
Nick requests a word in private with Miranda, so she gets her colleague to leave them alone and asks Nick what is wrong. He launches into an attack on Miranda for having told Leanne that they had discussed an abortion. Miranda is bemused to find that Nick didn't tell Leanne in the first place that he was talking to Miranda about it, and notes that she is seeing a new, and not very attractive side to Nick. He despairingly says it is all too late now as Leanne just keeps going on at him, attacking him and accusing him.
Mike prepares his things to go away on his 'business trip' and Alma gives him a hug, saying she'll miss him. Mike says they will have a weekend in London together to make up for it, soon. They hug again and he promises to phone.
In the Kabin, Kevin tells Jim that his Dad is having a good time in Germany and that he helped Kevin when he needed it after losing the girls. Jim remarks that it is time to move on now, and Rita says she thinks Kevin and Sally have benefitted from spending time apart. Kevin wonders how he can get Alison back since she wasn't pleased about him going off to Germany. Jim advises a big romantic gesture to demonstrate how sorry he is. Kevin protests 'I've said I'm sorry!' then looks suitably gormless as Jim chuckles 'I don't mean in words, Kevin.'
Back at college, Miranda is rapidly losing patience with Nick. She accuses him of being totally selfish and paying no regard to Leanne's feelings, not to mention being thoroughly childish. Nick blinks a lot and tosses his hair, when she orders him to grow up, then he splutters that he has finished with being lectured to and he is quitting college.
Break
Cereals, supermarkets, men's deodorant, chemists and indigestion
remedies.
Part 2
Mike enters the hallway of a block of flats and rings at number
2. Julia answers and invites him in.
At Curly's house, Tyrone is told by Curly that he can have the sofa for one night only when Kevin emerges from the kitchen. He is wearing a smart red apron and has a potato in one hand and the peeler in the other. Kevin says he was planning to get Alison back and was hoping to have the house to himself. Curly makes for the pub and Tyrone invites Kevin to bribe him to go out.
In Julia's flat, she explains that she has only been there a couple of weeks, which is why there are no personal things there. Mike seems nervous as he gives her a bottle, but does not protest when she kisses him enthusiastically.
Alma, Gail and Audrey are in the Rovers talking about Mike. Alma decides not to phone him as he's probably with the buyers now. Gail wishes she had a whole weekend to herself, but Audrey warns her to be careful what she wishes for as they could all be dead tomorrow! Hayley bustles over to make arrangements for Sarah-Louise and Martin to attend the wedding rehearsal on Saturday afternoon. Hayley needs to get home to finish her dress, but Jim and Jack are amused to discover that Roy isn't having a stag night. They rope in Curly and Spider and decide to have it right here, right now. Hayley gives her blessing and they call up a pint for Roy.
In the street, Nick meets Leanne as she leaves the Kabin. He doesn't want to go to the pub, and when Leanne asks what's wrong and asks should they talk, he says he is sick of talking and walks off. Alison emerges from the factory to be met by Tyrone, who presents her with a menu and the news that Kevin would like her to go over to Curly's house. She looks across to see Kevin at the door, raising two glasses of white wine. Alison's smile says it all.
At Julia's, she serves up a meal and apologises that it is microwaved. Mike isn't bothered by that, but is concerned when Julia insists on talking about Alma, and whether he feels guilty. Mike promises it is the first and only time, to which Julia replies that she is not in the habit of seducing married men.
Kevin has a lot of explaining to do to Alison. He confides how near he came to a breakdown, but Alison says she felt excluded when she wanted to help. Kevin reassures her that there is nothing between him and Sally, and that it is Alison he wants. They kiss.
Leanne has a good moan about Nick to Toyah over a glass of wine; they agree how selfish he is and how nasty when he doesn't get his own way. Toyah goes out to top up their glasses and shouts that Nick must be nasty for pressurising her into having an abortion. Unfortunately Toyah hasn't heard Les and Janice come in. Les goes mental, and though Leanne protests, he storms off in search of Nick, who, Toyah helpfully tells him, is in the Rovers.
Roy is the centre of attention and toasted all round by the lads. Nick is sitting with his mother, Audrey and Martin, looking sulky and folding his arms. Les bursts in, hotly pursued by Leanne and Janice. A slanging match between Gail and Les ensues, and Nick pulls at his hair in despair before screeching at Gail to keep out of his life. Gail is stunned into silence as Nick announces he has quit college. With a perfunctory shove at Les, Nick flounces out. Gail looks at Martin in disbelief
Back at the love-nest, Mike is ordered to bed by Julia when his phone rings. Julia goes to get ready as Mike answer the call from Alma and pretends to be in the hotel bar with clients. Alma asks how his day went and then they make kissing noises down the phone and say 'night-night'.
Hayley has to come down and open the cafe to let Spider and Curly man-handle a drunken Roy inside. She is angry with them for letting him get so drunk. Spider says he only had 2 pints!
Mike is sprawled across the bed as Julia emerges in a red satin number. Mike comments how nice she looks and they lie down and begin to kiss. Mike's phone rings again, but he decides to ignore it. We see a forlorn Alma hanging on the other end at her flat, as Mike and Julia begin to roll around passionately.
Credits. Written by Maureen Chadwick.
Random thoughts from Helen:
Not a bad episode, all in all. The departure of The Plank is taking shape now, for which we are truly thankful. Curly had a very bad hair day. Mike has crossed the line between temptation and infidelity, and will inevitably have to suffer for that in the long run. A fascinating storyline and I look forward to watching it develop, though I don't know what he sees in her, she isn't very attractive as far as I can see. (Then again, he's no oil painting!) The Roy stag night plot was a bit incongruous, and didn't give David Neilson much chance to show his skill at playing intoxication, (always a good test of an actor, in my opinion.) It did, however, let in the best line: from Jim: 'Don't be such a big drink of water, Roy'
I also thought Hayley's reaction scolding Spider and Curly when they brought him back was not quite in character, and a bit unnecessary.
On a lighter note: Doesn't Kevin know anything? *Red* wine is the traditional Corrie come-to-bed magic juice. Or have the SWs deliberately flouted the unwritten rules that we fans have spent hours serching for, debating and writing FAQs about.
My other half says Miranda should have told Nick to get his clothes off so she could change his nappy;-) (I worry about him, sometimes ... )
On that bizzare note, thank you and goodnight. xx Helen Johns
Hiya :)
It's been one of those weeks. I apologise that this Update is a couple of days late, but it's really really been one of those weeks. But rather than recount the stories of unpleasant food poisoning, being locked out of my car (whilst 'parked' in the middle of a busy road, I should add), ramming into the back of other vehicles and the rest of my miscellaneous stressing, I'll get straight into the Update which will probably seem a bit rushed. I hope you can bear with me for this week. I really should've gotten in a stand-in but by the time I realised I was incapable, it was too late! So here we are, sorry for the half-heartedness...
We open in the flat of Weatherfield's resident Royal Couple, Sir Royston of Cropper and Lady Hayley of Patterson, only days before their wedding is due... Lady H is admiring her wedding dress but is forced to quickly cover it up with an anorak when her fiance enters, in the name of superstition. Roy has just popped upstairs to help her transport her stuff to over to Alma's, where she's going to be staying tonight but she doesn't need any assistance since (organised as ever!) she's fully prepared for action. The only regret on her mind is that she would've loved the time to make a proper train for the wedding dress but, as this can't be helped so late in the day, she'll just have to grin and bear it. "You're a perfectionist, Hayley" smiles Roy, "It's your only flaw"... :)
Moving swiftly along to the Baldwin residence in Weatherfield Quays, Mike is violently chewing some toast as Alma prepares the place for Hayley's arrival. Needless to say, her boorish husband makes a few sarcastic comments about the whole affair and sends her off to work, telling her sternly that he has "more important things to worry about than Hayley Patterson's fantasy wedding"... Namely Julia Stone who he attempts to dial on the 'phone, the second his wife is out of the door! There's no answer though, curiously...
Next thing you know, it's the usual happy scene (ha!) at The House Of Elliot, where Leanne is trying to get ready for work, much to the distress of her moronic husband who is attempting to make her call in sick, since they "need to talk". They're still bickering about his wanting to go to Canada and it's pretty obvious that there's nothing between them except bad feelings (finally Leanne has come round to RATUCS' way of thinking regarding him!)... In the end, Lee agrees to let him phone her in sick to the Kabin. "Tell her I feel awful" she snaps, "Because I do!"
Meanwhile at Le Chateau Batteau (Or *is* that Le Chateaux Batteaux? Anybody want to settle this dispute?), Les is putting his foot down about giving any hard-earned cash away to Leanne and Nick in order to pay back their £200 debt ("After what he's taken from us..." mumbles Les in typical Sun-reader self-righteousness...)... Toyah enters and reminds her step-dad that he doesn't really want a Grandchild anyway and would be highly annoyed if it were *HER* who was pregnant, but needless to say, all she gets for her observation is a mouthful of absolutely hateful abuse. Janice shoves him off to work and, as he departs he barks ludicrously "This is your fault, this is! Spending money right, left and centre!"... With that @rsehole out of the way, Toyah sits down at the table and mentions softly that she has £40 hidden in her bedroom that she *was* going to spend on some computer software, although she's quite prepared to lend it to Janice if needs be. Her mum appreciates the offer but tells her that "me 'n' Les got ourselves into this mess and me n Les'll get us out"...
...as we cut back to The House Of Elliot for more doom and gloom from the young Tilsleys. Nick is trying to persuade Leanne that she'll be able to make new friends over in Canada and won't miss anyone from Weatherfield, including her family! His logic? "Oh, well you liked it when you were there before!" (for *THREE* weeks, remember)... He's basically being a really faecitious little prick and, in the end, admits that he wants to "get out of this house, get out of this Street" because he "wants something better"... Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to be considering *ANYONE* else's feelings whilst making this decision.
Over at Mr Baldwin's Palace Of Fun (The Underworld Of Delight), Hayley is pondering the design for her dress and seems disheartened still about the lack of a train. A few of The Factory Bees reassure her that it'll be fine and look glamourous even as a trainless outfit, except of course for (BOO HISS) Loathsome Linda who seems intent on cramming in as many snide remarks as possible about the entire situation. "I'm just saying what everyone else thinks" she sneers, as she's told to "bog off" by Janice.
A new (and potentially very good) plotline begins to emerge, at this point, in the Corner Shop. Spider is well stoked to find that he can buy a carton of Soya Milk there now and shares his joy with Nita who says "I'm a vegetarian too, so I know how difficult it can be to get what you want" before informing him that she can order whatever foods he wants, as long as he gives her enough notice. Needless to say, he's chuffed to find an "ethical retailer" in Weatherfield (and having put up with Master Butcher Fred Elliot running the shop for so long, I can see why!) and this leads to a full-on conversation. She starts asking him little questions like "Have you always lived with your Aunt, then?" and before long a nice little exchange of introductory small-talk is struck up... AND if I'm not mistaken, there's a bit of *ALERT* LIGHT FLIRTING *ALERT* going on!!! Do I see a story in the making?? I hope so, because since the end of the ridiculous "Store Wars" plot, I've started to warm to Nita a little and I think her and Spider would make a fun couple...
That nasty piece of work, Mike Baldwin, meanwhile, is finding out some highly bizarre things over the telephone in his office. He's on the blower to the switchboard at Mercury Fabrics and trying to get a (non- mobile) contact number for Julia... Much to his surprise, they've never even heard of her and (no matter how much he protests that they *MUST* have done) thus can't give him a number. Could it be that she was lying about her occupation...?
Leanne and Nick are still engaged in argument as all this is occuring, with her telling him that he never faces up to anything, choosing the constantly hide from the facts. She reminds him of their secret marriage, his wanting her to hide her wedding ring, his deceit about the nude modelling, his hiding of Miranda's Xmas present from him and *of course* the recent abortion/miscarriage issue. As he whimpers and protests, she turns up the heat and tells him she's glad they didn't have the child since they'd have made awful parents... When he explains that they have plenty of time later for parenthood she warns him sternly that this isn't going to happen: "I'll never have a child with you.. I don't want anything more to do with you.. I don't love you" and then the final insult... "I don't think I ever really did"... Ouch!
END OF PART ONE
The adverts serve little purpose tonight, unless you're particularly fond of cars... which at the moment, I'm not!
PART TWO
In the Rovers, Alma, Janice, Alison and Deirdre seem to be plotting
something but go suddenly silent when Hayley appears... They send
her up to the bar to fetch a round and she asks Vera if they've
been talking about her. She's worried since tonight is her hen
night and she does *NOT* want any "nasty surprises"
like male strippers! Ut oh... What *HAVE* they got planned? ;)
Nick and Leanne part for the time being with a little more arguing. He cries and blubs but she tells him that she's had enough and that Canada is welcome to him. He whimpers some more. There is really very little else I can say about this scene!
Hayley, obviously moving faster than the speed of light, has made it over to the Cafe in this short time and tells Roy that she won't be able to eat with him tonight since she'll be getting food at the hen night. He accepts this and they share a very sweet exchange of dialogue that had my heart a'flutter for sure. "Next time I come into this Cafe, I'll be married", gushes Hayley, beaming with joy, "And I'm not even worried about the dress anymore, I'm sure it'll be fine"... Roy tells her that everything will be since Alma has been round that afternoon to pick up all her clothes and supplies. Indeed all seems set up perfectly! They smile at each other with a warm and natural sincerity that just makes you want to squeal with glee and then he kisses her goodbye and tells her to enjoy her hen night... Altogether now: "Awwwwww!!" :)))) As she leaves, the camera lingers on Roy's face as he watches her with a look of genuine disbelief at how lucky he is to have found such a perfect partner. :)
Meanwhile at the Underworld, Baldwin is stressing out to Deirdre, wondering why some of the girls have lingered around after hours (they're using the toilets to put on their make up for the hen night, apparently) and, more to the point, why D never got a contact number out of Julia Stone all those times that she visited the factory... Needless to say, Deirdre is totally confused as to why Mike is being so snappy and 'orrible but, since he is her employer, she doesn't argue when he tells her viciously that she must get the contact number of *EVERYONE* who ever walks through the doors in future.
I'd like to say that the hen night was in full swing over at the Rovers but, thus far, only Gail and Alma have shown up... They seem quite positive and reassuring but Hayley is despondant, reckoning that all her other friends have either forgotten it or neglected her. Poor lass! Gail excites herself about tomorrow morning's wedding procedures, running through a list about everything that must be done but, sadly, Hayley is still worrying about where everyone is for the hen night...
A truly excellent scene follows now, at Curly's house, where several blokes have gathered (yes, BLOKES, not men ;))... Tyrone (who it seems has been allowed to stay ONE more night), Ashley, Kevin, Spider and Curly sit around with bottles of beer, discussing the eternal Mystery of Women. Ash starts teasing Spider about "fancying Nita in t'Cornershop" but, needless to say, our valiant eco-warrior denies it vehemently claiming he "only admired her vegetarian lines" and "only has eyes for Glenda Young" (Ok, the last bit I made up but I'm *sure* it's true!)... Ashley reckons Nita's a bit stand-offish anyway, so Spider wonders if he just prefers the type who would "throw themselves" at him. As the Lurve Doctor mutters "I wouldn't know", Tyrone butts in hilariously boasting "I would! Gimme a domineering woman anyday! PHWWWWOAAAR!!!" and other such ghastly remarks! The conversation gets worse and worse but it's impossible not to laugh at their inter-bloke teasing and absurd remarks... "I'm a woman free zone!" says Curly, trying (and failing miserably) to veer the discussion off of the subject at hand, "I wouldn't have one if you gave one to me on a plate with free salad dressing!" which provokes some MANIC eyebrow movement from Tyrone who whoops "I WOULD!" enthusiastically.... "I wouldn't mess with Nita Desai" warns Kevin, sipping his drink, "She'll wipe the smile off your face".... "YEAH!!!!" rages Tyrone, "But Toyah Battersby'd put it back on!! PHWOAR! She's dead sexy she is!!!!"
"Shut up..." deadpans Curly...
...as we cut back to the Hen Party. Janice arrives (yay!) and Hayley is totally over the moon by her arrival. She offers the new attendee a drink but RJan says "Nah, we're not stopping in t'Rovers... We've got something special lined up" before leading the Blushing Bride-to-be out of the door... Just as they leave, (BOO HISS) Loathsome Linda stands at the bar and mumbles bitter comments to Jack...
The camera cuts to Le Chateau Batteau which has been decked out with party streamers and big cardboard hearts (with slogans like "TOGETHER 4 EVER" and "ROY & HAYLEY" on them!)... A fine spread of food lies across the table and there are several bottles of wine present... The gaggle of partying factory girls enter, with Janice leading Hayley into the living room, hands over her eyes. Everyone is giggling as the hands are taken away and Hayley sees the fantastic spread. "Aoh, thankyou! You've gone to so much trouble!" she yelps in joy but the best is yet to come... As she is told to turn around, she sees that all the girls have been working overtime tonight and have sewn her an absolutely beautiful train for her wedding dress!!! "If the girls were on overtime for this, you and Roy'd be startin' your married life in debt!" laughs Deirdre as Hayley, totally beside herself, admires their handiwork... It's suggested that some of the girls take the dress upstairs ("so as it doesn't get covered with regurgitated booze" says Janice!) and, as they do so, Hayley looks at Janice, smiles and says "Thanks... thanks for everything"... The Warrior Princess smiles back with total warmness. It's an absolutely priceless moment but one that really has to be seen rather than read. :)
Oh, we're back in The House Of Elliot, suddenly, where Nick is setting up some pillows on the rock-hard couch in the living room just as Ashley returns from Curly's... "Eeeeeh, you shoulda been there!" he enthuses, "Half a dozen blokes and two crates of lager!", but Whoopsie Boy has other things on his mind. He tells his friend that it's all over between him and Leanne and that things can't be resolved... He adds that he's going to run away and go to Canada!
The show tonight wraps up with Les returning home from his DJ'ing session (he no longer dresses as Aladdin Sane, btw.. he's now wearing some horrible black suit and frilly shirt that makes him look like a stray member of Dave Vanian's Phantom Chords) to the mess left behind by the partying Factory Bees. He's had a rotten night and isn't best pleased to find Janice has "let that perv have a do" (!) in his house... To make it worse, someone at the pub he was DJ'ing at has stolen his most valuable records it seems. Needless to say, things escalate into a full blown row and it transpires that Janice has *SOLD* these records to pay some bills and fund the hen party. Les is furious and swears hideous revenge upon his wife... As she storms up the stairs, he picks up the Weatherfield Gazette and dials a number he finds on the back of it........ Cue credits!!!
Well, tonight's episode (written by Catherine Hayes) was pretty good, on the whole, I'd say. Some nice bits of humour with Curly and friends, some endearing sweetness from Roy and Hayley, a bit of tension involving Les and Janice at the end there and even a nice development of a new plotline in the form of Spider and Nita.
Not the best episode ever, but certainly not the worst by a VERY long shot... However ***SPOILER*** I have now seen Wednesday's show and can tell you straight that a) it's absolutely awesome! and b) this update will be the last time I'll ever be able to put the boot into Adam Rickitt for his atrocious 'contributions'... Yes ***MEGA SPOILER*** he has now left the show for good!!! Good riddance to him! I can't say he'll be missed in the slightest from this end and let's just hope he never returns to the small screen again for as long as he lives! Farewell Whoopsie Boy, it's been wild.
So, that's it from me for now. I'll hopefully be back next week and a little calmer. 'Til next time! :)
The Rattler
P'nawn da and greetings from a wet, windy, miserable and freezing cold Wales (so what's new?)
Quite how I'm going to follow CP's offering from last week, I'll never know. Unfortunately, the liposuction didn't work and I have lent my thighs to the Lone Ranger for saddle bags, and the electro shock treatment has left me looking more like Elsa Lancaster in the 'Bride of Frankenstein' than Clara Bow in, well, anything really.
Before I go onto the update, I have to tell you about the best television wedding I ever saw. It was when Alice Tinker married Hugo Horton in 'The Vicar of Dibley'. The bride came dressed as a fairy, complete with wings, she had flashing lights in her head-dress, her bridesmaids were dressed as Teletubbies and the choir and congregation sang the Spice Girls 'Two Becomes One' as the hymn. We were ROFLOAO when we saw it, but it was also very moving as it was the marriage of two lonely 'misfits' who had found true love. Which leads us quite nicely into: -
ROYAL (ALMOST) WEDDING
Episode sponsored by Cadbury's Wispa, and I was sponsored by Crime and the City Solution (what I was listening to)
We start at (oh, no!) the House of Elliot where the lovely Leanne is coming down the stairs. A milk float (do they still have them) can be heard outside. She looks over to the settee where Casper the Unfriendly Unfeeling UnCaring Camp Crusader Moaning Mincing Prancing Whinging Whining Wooden Whoopsie Boy Rickitt Creature (it's my last change to have a go, ok!) is sleeping. She blows him a kiss and tries to sneak out. He wakes up. Where is she going? Work. He wants to talk. There's nothing to talk about, it's over between them, she says. We are treated to his horrible bland, boring, character-less face blubing and whining etc and she goes to work.
King of the Underworld, Baldwin, is moaning to his wife Cleopatra about the Royal bride getting married from his flat. She explains it's HER flat too. 'It's an aggression I can do without,' he moans. Cleo tells him to keep his voice down. 'Don't you DARE let Hayley hear you saying things like that. Oh Mike. It's her wedding day', 'It's a let's pretend wedding day. It's a travesty and you know it,' he moans. Cleo says there are times when she could gladly strangle him (join the queue). He waffles on some more and then Hayley emerges wearing a shocking pink dressing gown and nightie to match. 'Morning Mr Baldwin, it's ever so nice of you letting me get married from here. It's times like this when you find out who your friends are.' (oh, bless her, she doesn't see the bad in anybody. I'd have ripped the idiot's throat out long ago). Lord Hades leaves as the Witch in the Wardrobe and Marvy Max arrive to do the bride's hair. He says, 'Hayley, your seconds have arrived.' (I didn't get that bit. Anyone know what he meant?) They have come to make Hayley 'really beautiful for your Roy. Eh?'
Over at Roy's Rolls, the Royal bridegroom is looking rather dishevelled. He hasn't slept a wink he tells his best man, Martin.
ROY - 'Bridegrooms nerves, you see. I know when I haven't slept
a wink I look a terrible state.'
MARTIN - 'Oh, you'll be ok. Everyone will be looking at the bride.
No one will be looking at you.' LOL!
ROY - 'Oh, you're very kind Martin, but I know I shall be letting
Hayley down.'
MARTIN - (assertively) ' No you will not. I'll see to that. My
job is getting you there on time and reasonably sober.'
Roy says he hasn't been drinking. It was bad enough last time (his stag night).
ROY - 'I behaved disgracefully.'
MARTIN - 'That wasn't your fault. That was the Rovers lot. They
got you drunk didn't they?'
ROY - (with delivery worthy of the great Robert Mitchum <swoon>)
'I don't believe in blaming other people, Martin. A man is responsible
for his own actions. The fault is mine, that's the trouble. I'm
not good enough for Hayley. Never will be.'
Peat Bog Man Battersby is on the phone muttering to some 'journalist' that he has some front-page news for him and how much will they pay him? 'It's two blokes, right, getting married. To each other. And it's all being done in secret by this vicar.' Toyah comes down the stairs looking stunning in her bridesmaids dress (let's face it, that girl would look good in sackcloth). He shoes are killing her but she has to wear them to the wedding. Boggy says 'Dozy Roy and that Harold that calls himself Hayley. I've told you a million times you are not going to no freakshow.' She says he can't stop her and he pushes her upstairs. 'You're out of the stoneage, you are. You're a flaming dinosaur,' she shouts.
Over at Underworld of Delight, Lord Hades throws the Cardassian out of his office, as he wants to make a phone call. She leaves, he phones (the Preying Mantis presumably) and gets no answer.
Back at Cleopatra's Palace, the Happy Hairdressers are putting the finishing touches to Hayley's hair. They all comment on how lovely she looks. The doorbell rings. Cleo answers it. A happy faced woman, and what appears to be the reincarnation of Albert Tatlock, are stood outside and want to know if this is the right place for Hayley's wedding party. It's her auntie Monica and great uncle Bert. Hayley hugs Monica and says it's good to see her. Bert looks miserable. Hayley introduces everyone. Auntie Monica wants to go and freshen up so Audrey takes her. Cleo and Marvy go to make tea (that is tea the drink, and not tea the meal which is what they call dinner in 'Corrie') leaving Hayley and Bert alone.
HAYLEY - 'How've you been uncle Bert.'
BERT - 'Middling you know. Not bad for 75.'
HAYLEY - 'I'm pleased to see you. It's been ages. It's nice to
have my relations here because this is such a big day for me,
you know.'
BERT - 'I'll tell you this, Harold. There's a lot going on these
days I can't seem to make head nor tail of.'
HAYLEY - 'Uncle Bert .'
BERT - 'Just let me speak me piece. What'd I do if it were me?
See. Why don't you put your trousers on and come home with me
and your auntie. After we've had us teas we can walk down to The
Wheatcheaf and play dominoes. You always enjoyed that.'
HAYLEY (sitting down) - 'Not really.'
BERT (incredulously) - 'No? You did Harold. Playing fives and
threes with me and Arthur G and their Tony. You used to say how
much you enjoyed it.'
HAYLEY - 'Only because I didn't want to hurt your feelings uncle
Bert. And I'm sure you don't want to hurt mine. Harold's gone
now you see uncle Bert. There is no Harold any more. I'm not the
person I used to pretend to be. When I was Harold, I was never
happy. I always felt well, wrong. And I'm Hayley now uncle Bert.
And I'm happy. Not all the time. Just some of the time, you know,
like other people. And I wish I could tell you how much better
my life is now. If you could just understand. Because I've always
loved you and auntie Monica. I don't want to lose you.'
BERT - 'Aye. You know, me and your auntie. We've never stopped
being fond of you.... Hayley.'
Hayley looks like she is about to cry.
Spider is emerging from his house. He hears the cries of a damsel in distress.
TOYAH - 'Spider, Spider, up here. Les won't let me out for
the wedding.'
SPIDER - He can't do that.'
What is she going to do? In a perfect moment of television timing, Gary approaches with his ladders. Spider nabs him.
GARY - 'Am I alright for doing your windows?'
SPIDER - 'Yes, but can you do Les' first?'
GARY - 'Oh no. He told me he doesn't believe in paying window
cleaners.'
SPIDER - 'Thing is, we've got a maiden in distress. The Princess
Toyah has been locked in her little turret by wicked Baron Battersby.'
TOYAH (shouting from her window) - 'He won't let me go to the
wedding.'
GARY - 'Sorry, there's nothing I can do about that.'
TOYAH - 'Oh Gary!!!'
GARY - 'But being a careless sort of chap, if I were to leave
me ladders lying around and Spider were to use them for something,
then it's nothing to do with me is it?'
Gary has a huge grin on his face and Spider gives a conspirational wink to Toyah.
In The Kabin, Daffers (yay! Sharon's back. I've missed her) asks Leanne if she wants to take first or second break. She doesn't care. Casper comes in. Daffers tactfully takes first break. Casper announces to Leanne he is leaving for Canada. Today. (Hurrah! Hurrah! He's going. Ding Dong Merrily On High And All the Bells Are Ringing. He's going to Canada!!! Sorry, Canadians, but it's about time we got our own back on you for sending us Bryan Adams, Shanna Twain and Alanis Morrissette).
End of Part One
Part Two
Spider has a ladder up against Toyah's window. Short Rodney appears.
He and Gary are watching Toyah come down the ladder. Short Rodney
says 'Phworr, don't she look great up a ladder, eh? Got a great
view from here Toyah.' He winks at her in a very lascivious way.
Toyah doesn't look amused. 'Clear off frog face.' LOL! To Spider,
'I'm gonna kill that kid.' Spider, 'shh, you'll have Les out.'
Inside Boggy is on the phone to someone telling them to meet him in the Rovers. He has sussed that Toyah is up to something. He goes to check. She's gone. Outside, Toyah is thanking Spider. Boggy appears and tries to grab her. She runs and Gary shuts the gate and holds it shut so she can escape. 'There's a taxi out the front picking up Sarah Louise. Go on, run!', he says. Spider pokes Boggy in the backside (ouch!) with the ladders. Short Rodney tries to block his way as Boggy shoves him to one side. The Three Stooges laugh at the neanderthal one running down the back alley.
In the Street, the Camel is checking that Sarah Louise is ok. Toyah runs up. Can she go with Sarah Louise? Of course. 'Off you go, I'll see you at the church.' The taxi pulls off as Boggy comes into the Street.
LES - 'Oi! Our Toyah's in that taxi.'
GAIL - 'Oh, push off.'
LES (shouting) - 'Don't you come your snotty capers with me and
stop interfering with my kids.'
Spider and Short Rodney walk into the Street. Spider goes to talk to Nita who is outside her shop and Short Rodney goes up to Peat Bog Man. Nita and Spider look on unamused as Boggy has a go at the little sproglet.
LES (grabbing him) - 'And you, you little git. You got into
my way on purpose didn't you. You need a good hiding you do. Teach
you some manners.
TYRONE - 'You touch me and when my mam gets out she'll cut your
bits off.'
LES - 'I feel sorry for your mam. She's like me, is Jackie' (you
said it, sunshine) 'try and bring your kids up with a bit of decency
and what do you get? A load of abuse.' He storms off
TYRONE (shouting after him) - 'Looks to me like you do your own
abuse mate.
Across the street, Spider is asking Nita if she is going to the wedding. No she hasn't been invited but isn't surprised, as she hardly knows Roy and Hayley. Spider asks her 'have you got any confetti. It would have to be the biodegradable sort of course.' No, but she has some rice if he wants to throw that over the bride. Spider, 'I don't think so. I don't believe in throwing food away when there's people starving in the world.' He's going to the pub later if she wants to join him. She can't, as it would mean shutting the shop. 'Another time?' 'Yeah'. He beams.
Over at Roy's Rolls, Roy is still earbashing Martin.
ROY - 'You see Martin, Hayley is a very wonderful person. Sooner
or later she's going to realise she would have done better than
me.'
MARTIN (impatiently) - 'Roy!!!'
ROY - 'She deserves better than me.'
MARTIN - 'Well she doesn't think so. That's why she's going to
St Paul's church expecting to see YOU there. Are you just going
to leave her standing there on her own?'
ROY (not getting the irony) - 'I wouldn't do that to her!'
MARTIN - 'Well I'm glad to hear it cos I was starting to wonder.'
ROY - 'I wouldn't humiliate her like that. I wouldn't hurt her
for the world. I'm surprised you should think such a thing.'
MARTIN (irked) - 'Roy! Roy! Roy!' Stop talking. Just have a shave
and put your suit on.'
ROY - 'Right!'
MARTIN - 'Right!'
ROY - 'You see, I've been procrastinating haven't I? I sometimes
think I'm a bit peculiar to other people.'
MARTIN - 'Oh, no, no, no, Roy ..'
ROY - 'Oh, I do, I'll give you an example..'
MARTIN - 'ROY! ROY! Just tell me on the way to the church. Please.'
Peat Bog Man is in the Rovers with two 'journalists'. The photographer says there is no glamour with 'two blokes. I need a bit of bodice, sunshine, or I don't bother pointing my camera.' When he finds out there is a female vicar, he is delighted. The 'journalists' leave and refuse to pay Boggy who says, to Jacko, without the slightest hint of irony, 'I give up on people Jack. Whatever happened to honest dealings? Jack doesn't know. He just wants the money for the three pints.
Over at Chateau Batteau, the Lurve Doctor is taking Casper's bags to the car (yay!) as Leanne comes to say goodbye. Casper and the Lurve Doctor hit the street at the same time the wedding party is leaving. Curly shouts to Gail, who is walking down the street with the soon to disappear David 'come on Gail, we'll be late.' Maud and Jim are sharing a taxi. Jim says to her 'look at the cut of us Maud. Not a decent leg between us.' Casper wants to talk to his mother but Curly is telling her to hurry up. She leaves telling Casper to hurry and get ready for the wedding.
At Cleo's Pad, Hayley and her Wedding Belles are preparing to leave. 'You look lovely Hayley' says Toyah. Sarah Louise wants to know why Toyah still has her trainers on. Because she couldn't get her shoes on. Sarah Louise wishes she could have worn trainers. The wedding car arrives. Cleo asks Hayley if she's ready. 'Yeah, I think so. As ready as I'll ever be.'
Outside the church the Fairy Godmother of Weatherfield and Spider (who has made an effort to dress up for the occasion. ROFL!!!) greet Xena, the Camel and Curly.
GAIL - 'Are we the last.'
SPIDER - 'Just about'
CURLY - 'It's not my fault'
GAIL - 'Alright Curly, we're here now. Come on.'
They dive into the church. Emily is wondering where Roy is. 'Where on earth has the bridegroom got to. He should be in the church.' A car approaches. They wonder if it's him. No, it's those 'journalists.'
EMILY - 'Oh no!'
SPIDER (sneering) - 'Oh, look at it.'
EMILY - 'I'd better tell Jessica' and moves off
SPIDER (to a 'journalist') - 'What do you want?'
'JOURNALIST' - 'Is this where the freak wedding's going off pal.'
SPIDER - 'You're the only freaks I see.' (to Boggy) 'So it was
your idea to bring these vultures down was it. You Judas.'
LES - 'Get stuffed.'
'JOURNALIST' - 'Oh look, there's the love Rev Jessie.'
Jessica is stood outside the church with Emily.
JESSICA - ' If they turn this into a circus it will ruin the
whole thing for Hayley and Roy.'
EMILY - 'I think you're the one who's going to be ruined Jessica.'
Cut to Ashley and Casper in car.
Back outside the church. Spider is stood with Jessica. Emily is looking for Roy and Martin.
'JOURNALIST' - 'Is it true there is going to be a wedding here
today.'
JESSICA - 'Have you been invited to a wedding? Cos if you haven't
you're not welcome.
'JOURNALIST' - 'Only doing our job love same as you. You've got
a living to earn haven't you.' (creep)
Outside the church Emily 'Cynthia Rostrock' Bishop sees Martin's car and throws herself in front of it.
EMILY - 'Roy, the press is here. Photographers, everything.'
MARTIN (angrily) - 'Well to hell with them, let them do their
worst.'
EMILY - 'Jessica will be in deep trouble if this gets into the
papers.'
ROY - 'No, no, we can't have that.'
EMILY - 'Can we get a message to Hayley?'
MARTIN - 'They'll be on their way here.'
ROY - 'I don't want that lot mobbing her!'
EMILY - 'No, do you think we can intercept her.'
MARTIN - 'We'll have a damn good try.'
They drive off as the 'journalist' is asking Jessica if there is to be a wedding. She replies 'I can say to you, in all honestly, I really don't know.'
Martin, Emily and Roy pull up by a roadside somewhere.
ROY - 'Of course we can't be sure she'll come this way.'
MARTIN - 'Oh yeah. Always merry and bright, eh Roy.'
EMILY (pointing) - 'What's that.'
And in another moment of perfect television timing, the wedding car drives up.
ROY - 'It's the wedding car. Quick, quick, Martin.'
Emily, who has obviously been watching the repeats of 'The Professionals' on Granada Plus, throws herself in front of the car (has this woman got a death wish or something) which is coming along at the pace of, oh, at least an arthritic snail. Roy runs up to the car.
ROY - 'Hayley Hayley!!!' (a window opens)
HAYLEY - 'what's going on?'
ALMA -'What's happening.?'
HAYLEY - 'Roy, what is it?'
ROY - 'There's a whole load of reporters up at the church. They're
after you. 'They're after me. And they're after Jessica. I'm sorry,
Hayley, I think we've got to call it off.'
Hayley looks heartbroken as the credits roll. And I was left feeling incensed that there are people out there spiteful enough to ruin other people's lives just because they haven't got one of their own.
Written by John Stevenson
How was it for me?
Why do people like Les Battesby have to exist? They make life miserable for everyone they come into contact with. This is a criticism of Les, btw, and NOT Bruce Jones, who probably surprised himself with just how nasty he can make Les when he has too. And those 'journalists' were straight out of that guardian of our nation's morals, 'The Sun' (overseas readers/viewers - 'The Sun', also called 'The Scum', is British gutter 'journalism' at it's very worst). The whole Les/photographer thing left me feeling quite miserable.
Elsewhere, best scene, in a night full of great scenes, was the very moving one between Hayley and uncle Bert. In fact, the whole show was a corker. Corrie at it's best. Hayley and her Wedding Belles, Roy and Martin, Toyah's escape, the scenes from Mission Impossible at the end, the scene in the street with everyone rushing around trying to get into their respective wedding cars, You overseas viewers have a real treat in store for you.
Could romance be blooming for Nita and Spider (sorry Glenda, your time will come, honestly). A few weeks ago the scriptwriters made viewers (well me, anyway) think that Nita was going to get together with Great Rotting Undead MacDonald. Luckily, it was a red herring. I think Nita and Spider will make a GREAT couple (sorry, again, Glenda). Rebecca Sarker and Martin Hancock work so well, and look so good, together.
And, of course, tonight's show saw the last of Rickitt. I shan't miss him. Not in the slightest.
That's it from me, a bit more long winded than usual, I know, but I hope I didn't bore you. The Dancing Queen himself will be here next week.
Hwyl fawr, Jane
Hiya folks!!!! ... Time again for another update....
It's been a few weeks since I last did an update and it's good to get some time off for good behaviour. I'd like to thank Steph Johnson and Helen Johns for very kindly doing the updates for me, for the last two Friday episodes. Thanks again gang, I really appreciated your work. Even though I get a big buzz out of cooking, I always enjoy eating someone's else's culinary efforts, not just because it gives me a break, but also because it gives me new ideas and a chance to reflect on someone else's styles and recipes. So it is with the Updates. On holiday, it's great when you are away, but it's equally good to be back home. So it is with the Updates. I enjoy doing them, not for the praise and adulation - I do it for the love of it and the love of the show.
And what a show..... one big storyline.. the one for which we have been waiting for a while. Roy and Hayley's wedding. For overseas readers, you may care to read the bottom of this update for some important news if you are impatient for this storyline to hit your particular shores.
I don't propose to have a lengthy prologue this week because of this rather special storyline..... however, I will mention a rather special anniversary. This week, on Thursday 22nd April, I celebrated my first anniversary on the #coro_street IRC channel. It has been said that you come into this world alone and you leave alone, but the joy is in the sharing of relationships with the people we meet along the way. This last 12 months has been a period of unprecedented turmoil, which has unsettled me greatly. It has also been a period of intense happiness, as I started to rediscover myself. THE big factor has been the friendships I have made along the way with the various people on the channel. You know who you are. Words just cannot express my undying gratitude. My love and thanks to you all.
Episode sponsored by Cadbury's Caramel
Big box of Kleenex tissues ready? You are gonna need 'em....
The programme starts round the corner from St Paul's Church. Roy is standing on the pavement in his morning suit, talking to Hayley, who is in her wedding dress. She is begging him to tell her that it isn't true. What isn't true? Where have you been dear? In the last episode, the Bad Baron Battersby scuppered Roy and Hayley's wedding plans by spilling the beans to the press. Forewarned by Emily of the appearance of the baying hounds, Roy has headed off the wedding car at the pass and told Hayley that the press are out to get him, her and the Rev. Jessica Lundy and it looks like they will have to call off the wedding. The newspaper people will be all over the church by now, he tells her, he doesn't see how they can go ahead, for Jessica's sake and for hers. "But it's my wedding day" wails Hayley.
Martin has rushed round the corner to the church where he meets Ken and Deirdre at the front door. He tells them that there has been a hiccup, Les Battersby has tipped off the papers. "Oh no! so Roy and Hayley are going to be splashed over the front page like a large portion of chips" exclaims Deirdre indignantly. "And if they find out what she's doing, the vicar's for the high jump" adds Martin - anyway the wedding is off and the best thing that Ken can do, says Martin, is to go back to the Rovers and tell anyone else on their way. As Ken and Deirdre move off, the congregation, including Rev Lundy and Spider are leaving the church - she is telling the journalists that she didn't realise it was the Saints day of St Francis, patron saint of journalists, after all there is no wedding taking place, so she cannot think of any other reason why they might be present. The journalists challenge her bluff, she knows full well why they are there, they tell her - it's a couple of blokes, "except one of them has had more than his tonsils out" quips the photographer. Jessica continues to feign ignorance, there is definitely no wedding today. The reporter notices that Spider is wearing a carnation and challenges him. "It's a blind date" replies Spider "meet me on the church steps, I'll be wearing a white carnation." LOL. Jessica continues to explain that there is nobody there, no cars, no choir, no photographer..."except I'm here" says the pervy press photographer, as he hands Jessica his business card explaining that he doesn't know how well the cloth pays, but he reckons there is a market for this kind of thing, clicking his tongue (no doubt for www.womenpriestsinuniform.com (I made that up, honest!!!!)). Meanwhile, the journalist, seeing Les Battersby, goes over to him to find out whether this has been a hoax call.
Back at Roy's Rolls, the "nearly-the-wedding party" has returned, led by Roy and Hayley and followed by other friends and relatives, including Auntie Monica, Great Uncle Bert, Emily and Alma. Roy proclaims that, at least Hayley will be safe here, and the answer to the problem has to be a pot of tea. Hayley doesn't want a cup of tea, all she wants is to get married - poor Roy is stuck, not knowing what to do or say. Monica asks what Les has against Roy and Hayley - Alma explains that Les' sort has got something against everybody, "The sad truth is, I'm afraid", adds Emily, "that Mr Battersby is not alone in disliking what he doesn't understand." This sets off Hayley, who comments that she should have known it would never work out. When Roy tries to calm her down, Hayley insists that it was going to be her fairy tale wedding, her happy ever after ending - the trouble is, fairy tales don't happen in real life. "You can't turn frogs into handsome princes with a kiss, and even if you can turn a man into a woman, it doesn't mean they're gonna live happily ever after, does it?" With this, she breaks down into tears. Excusing herself, she leaves the room to go upstairs, totally distraught, leaving behind a helpless Roy.
At the Rovers, Judy is serving behind the bar - she has been told about Les' escapade and is flabbergasted - he has pulled some stunts in his time, what he did to Martin was terrible, but this... Curly opines that it's just spite and Jim comments that he cannot see Les showing his face in the pub if he's got any sense. "You're joking, he'll be in Roy's café tomorrow, drinking tea and eating bacon butties", says Judy to which Curly retorts that if he were Roy, then it wouldn't be brown sauce he'd be spreading.
Martin comes in to join Gail and Deirdre at the bar. He tells them that Roy is upstairs trying to calm Hayley down, to which Gail replies that a public flogging is too good for Les.
Les' popularity continues unabated when Maud suggests that Jim, being good with his hands, could always sort out a set of stocks for Les. "I'll get the timber if you get the rotten vegetables" replies Jim. "Count me in, and all - when you think how excited Hayley was when we did her hair" chips in Maxine. "Let's hope he gets his comeuppance this time" offers Audrey, to which Ken adds "Well, it's long overdue, that's for sure". Poor Janice comes in and overhears the exchange and looks very embarrassed.
Upstairs, in the flat, Hayley is reminiscing about how, when she was at infant school, all the girls would talk about getting married one day - it's what every little girl would dream of. She was never a little girl, she continues, but it was dream for her too. "Maybe not always, but after I met you - nice white dress, plenty of flowers, all my friends around me, I thought that's all it would ever be, just a dream. But at least you tried to make it come true for me, Roy, thank you for that." (awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, hanky attack....)
Roy, tenderly, tries to tell her that if there was anything he could do to make it come true, then he would.
H - "Of course you would, but it ain't ever gonna happen, is it?"
Thinking for a second, Roy replies that it could be possible, maybe they could go abroad, somewhere where the laws are different, away from the bigots like Les Battersby.
Hayley appreciates the suggestion but tells Roy that it wouldn't be the same - it wouldn't feel like a real wedding, even if it meant legally they could do more than they could over here - it's about more than just a piece of paper. She wanted to get married here, where she lives, with her friends all around her. "I wanted to show them how much we loved each other, how happy we are." (awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, hanky attack....)
R - "We will be happy again, Hayley, you'll see. I promise you."
Hayley tells Roy that she knows he will always do his best for her, that he'll always make her happy, but the truth is, the whole world is against them.
When Roy tries to dismiss her statement, Hayley replies "people don't like what I am, even my own Uncle Bert down there, he doesn't understand."
R - "Maybe he doesn't, but at least he's prepared to wish you well, and frankly I'd be surprised if anybody really understood what you've been through. I'm not sure that I totally understand it myself, but I do know how upset and disappointed you are. I feel that, every bit as much as you do.... We mustn't give up hope..." (awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, hanky attack....)
H - "Hope? Roy, I feel like the world is poking fun at me, like it always has done, first giving me the wrong body, now giving me a wedding and snatching it away from me at the last minute. If the world can do that to me, what have I got to hope for?"
Roy is overcome, speechless, as we close one of the most tender and sensitive scenes I have seen for a long time.
Downstairs in the cafe, Alma is pouring the tea and jokingly reminisces how it takes her back a bit. Jessica has just come in and asks where Roy and Hayley are. Alma tells her that they are upstairs, "I know it's not a very Christian thing to say, but if I could lay my hands on that Les Battersby..." "Don't worry, I know exactly how you feel" replies Jessica.
At that point, Roy rejoins the group, somewhat crestfallen. "How's Hayley?" asks Bert. "Not too good, I'm afraid" replies Roy in his usual understated way. Emily asks if there is anything anyone can do. No, is the obvious answer. Seeing Jessica present, Roy thanks her for coming over. "Roy, I can't tell you how sorry I am that this has happened" states Jessica, coming over to him. He tells her that it would have been unfair on her, as well as Hayley and himself, if the wedding had carried on ."I know this wedding would not have been recognised by the state, or even the church, but in a way, I feel that's what would have made it that much more special. I think God would have recognised it, whatever the circumstances." Roy thanks her and tells her that her statement means a lot to him. "And you've got your friends around you, that's important" continues Jessica. Roy is reassured by her and goes on to say "and what you've just said about circumstances..."
Mike Baldwin has turned up outside Julia Stone's flat. The caretaker is sweeping the floor, as Mike knocks on the front door of the flat. In response to the caretaker's query, Mike tells him he is looking for his friend, but she appears to be out. "Out and not coming back, neither" is the reply, as the janitor goes on to explain that she moved out last week, last Saturday. Mike is puzzled and the caretaker asks whether he is confusing the flat with another - when Mike assures him he isn't, the janitor explains that he was cleaning the place up last Monday morning, "so, I'm telling you mate, she's upped sticks". Mike asks whether he can have a look inside the flat, as he might have left something inside - "Doubt it, I'd have seen anything that shouldn't have been in there" is the reply. Mike takes a note of out his wallet, sticks it in the janitor's pocket and says "I think you might have missed it.". As the caretaker goes to get the keys, Mike looks on thoughtfully, trying to work out what has been going on.
Back at the flat, Hayley is sitting down, still in her wedding dress, thoughtfully looking at the presents piled up on the table in front of her. Alma comes in from downstairs - she asks how Hayley is feeling. "I suppose I'll survive" is the reply. "Well, everybody's asking about you downstairs" continues Alma . "Tell them I'll live" says Hayley faking a smile. "Well, I'll tell them, but I think they'd rather see it with their own eyes" replies Alma. Hayley is insistent she will not go downstairs to face the crowd. "Well, you're going to have to face them sooner or later but believe me, sooner is best" replies Alma. Reluctantly, Hayley agrees that maybe she should, she also needs to have a word with Aunty Monica and Uncle Bert. As she does so, Alma suddenly gets out her makeup from her handbag "If you're going to be strong in the face of adversity, I think you'd best look it" she offers. Hayley tells her that she doesn't feel strong but Alma reassures her it won't take long - sure enough a couple of dabs later, she has done. As Hayley leaves the room to go downstairs, we see Alma quickly grabbing the wedding bouquet and hiding it behind her, as she follows Hayley downstairs.
Downstairs, the door at the bottom of the stairs leading to the flat opens and Hayley comes in. it looks like everyone has been waiting for her to come down. The group is lines up in front of the door in two rows and, as Hayley comes into the room, there is some scurrying and quiet giggling as we see two lines forming. A long shot from Hayley to Roy at the end of the line, with the Reverend Lundy alongside him. Hayley looks puzzled, trying to work out what is going on. A smile from Alma as she puts the wedding bouquet into Hayley's hands.
"I know it's not quite what we planned, Hayley, but, erm... " starts Roy, "will you marry me?......" (awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, hanky attack....)
"Oh Roy!!!" - a grin from Hayley, a grin from Roy.
"Hayley, would you mind if I did t'honours?" asks Uncle Bert. A grin from her, a grin from him, as he puts her arm in his.. (awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, hanky attack....)
Not a million miles away, someone is looking at some photographs - the happy couple in the snaps is Nick and Leanne. They are shots of happier times. Leanne is sobbing her eyes out looking back to the not so distant past, as she takes the wedding ring off her finger. Dropping the photographs into a drawer, she holds the ring between her thumb and index finger for a second and looks at it, before dropping it onto the photographs of her and Nick. Slamming the drawer shut, she signals symbolically the end of her marriage. The tears are streaming down her face.....
Back at the café, Rev. Lundy is in full flow
"Royston? Do you take Hayley Anne to be your wife?" (Roy and Hayley smile at each other) "Will you treasure her, protect her, cherish her and be faithful to her, as long as you both shall live?"
"I will..."
"Hayley Anne Patterson, will you take Royston Cropper to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him and forsaking all others, be faithful to him, as long as you both shall live?"
"I will..."
Grin from Roy... (awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, hanky attack....)
... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1
After the ads, it's part 2
The second part of the programme commences back at Julia's flat.
The caretaker has let Mike in. He is telling Mike that, at least
she didn't take half the furniture with her, like some of the
tenants do. "Like I told you, nobody home", he adds,
showing Mike into the bedroom with an empty bed.....
Back at Roy's Rolls, there is a clattering of pans to herald the best man's speech, as Martin stands on a chair to address the assembled crowd. Today has not been the most conventional of weddings they may ever attended, but, it's probably the best one to which he has ever been invited, he tells them. "That's all down to Roy and Hayley, two people who today, have proved to the world that if any couple are supposed to be together, whatever the odds, whatever the brick-heads might do.... " ... the camera pans to Janice and Toyah, who look at each other (no prizes for guessing what they are thinking))..... "... then it's them. So, ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses to Roy and Hayley!!!" .... "Roy AND Hayley!!" is the toast from all....
After the toast, Gail compliments Martin on his speech and remarks that she didn't remember him being so eloquent on their wedding day - he tells her he was too nervous then to get drunk. "Anyway", he asks, "where's Nick and Leanne?" Gail surmises that maybe Leanne was feeling off-colour and decides to pop round to have a look.
It's now Roy's turn to make his speech, as he gets onto a chair. As he is doing so, we see one of those typical delightful wedding scenes, in this case, David wearing a rather over-size top hat, presumably Martin's. "I'd just like to say a very big and heartfelt thank you to every one of you" announces Roy, "especially to the Reverend Lundy, Jessica, who has performed a small miracle here this afternoon... but most of all, I want to say a thank you to Hayley, for walking into my life and bringing me a kind of happiness that I though was only reserved for other people. Thank you." He steps down from the chair and he and Hayley embrace, as the guests show their approval of the feelings voiced by Roy.....
Back at his deserted factory, Mike is quietly surveying the scene. He shakes his head and says to himself "Baldwin, my old son, you're losing your touch...." He walks over to his desk and sits down. Opening the drawer, we see a bottle of scotch whisky, which he duly opens - he helps himself to a drink from the bottle.......
We are at Ashley's place, where Gail has popped round to see Leanne. "We thought you might be feeling off-colour or something" she tells Leanne, "the party's in full swing down at the café. You want to get yourself down there, see Toyah in her bridesmaid's dress." Leanne forces a smile as she asks Gail whether Toyah looks pretty. "Yes, she does" replies Gail, ".. where's Nick?" "Manchester Airport, by now, I suppose" replies Leanne. "What's he doing there?" is Gail's puzzled query. The penny drops as Leanne realises that Gail has no idea what has happened - "It's just like Nick to leave it up to me, isn't it?" Gail is still puzzled and asks Leanne to explain. "Deep down, I always knew he were gutless, but you'd think he'd have had the decency to talk to his own mother, wouldn't ya?" says Leanne. "well maybe not...." Once again, Gail asks her to say what is going on. "Me and Nick are finished. He's on his way to Canada" is Leanne's reply. We see the devastated look on Gail's face.
Back at the wedding party, Hayley throws her bouquet over her shoulder. Who should catch it..... a rather surprised Deirdre, much to everyone's amusement and delight. "I can recommend a very good vicar" quips Roy. As he turns back to the table to help himself to the buffet , he sees someone else beating him to it. The Street's favourite gatecrasher, Tyrone is busy helping himself to grub - motto has to be "have party, will attend". Janice takes the opportunity to come over to Roy and Hayley, to apologise for Les' behaviour "what he did, it were cruel and hurtful, but it were probably just his sense of humour, no-one could understand it" she says, trying to make light of the fracas. Roy, having been hurt deeply starts to reply, "Well, I'm not surprised. Frankly, Mrs Battersby, I think your husband..." At that point, Hayley interrupts "what Roy means, is 'all's well that ends well'". "So there's no hard feelings then?" asks Janice, seeking reassurance. "Apparently not" replies Roy, as Janice leaves, looking much relieved.
As Janice moves away, Roy and Hayley turn to each other, smiling full of happiness. "Come upstairs with me now" asks Hayley. "But we've got our guests to consider" replies Roy. "don't be daft, they'll not miss us, come on" she answers. To the sound of Abba's "Dancing Queen", we all reach for another hanky, as Hayley leaves the room, followed by Roy.
As they move out of the room, Toyah espies Tyrone and remarks "Ah, I might have guessed you'd be here. Squatting and gate-crashing, it's all the same to you, innit?" He tells her that he wants to get to know her better and it gate-crashing is what it takes, then he's prepared to take that risk. "Creep" is her unimpressed response. He puts down his food on a chair and says to her "Come on, Toyah. Bridesmaids always cop off at a wedding, it's traditional...." ROTFL, what a subtle chat-up line, NOT!! It doesn't impress Toyah. When she confirms that it's her first time as a bridesmaid, his reply is "well don't worry, I've copped off with loads!" ROTFL!!! Continuing "hundreds."!!!!! He tells her he's hanging out at Curly's right now and he just so happens to know that it's empty. "Do you want to come back with me? It'll be easy!" he continues with his patter. "Not with me, it won't!!! Bonehead!" is Toyah's reply as she pushes him onto the chair - right on top of his food!!!!!! The look on his face is priceless!!!
Upstairs in the flat, Hayley has a surprise lined up for Roy and asks him to close his eyes. Roy asks whether this is really necessary, "what if somebody comes in?" he asks. "Let them, we're married now, Roy, we can do whatever we like." She hands him a piece of paper. With a great big grin on her face she says, "There. Read it", as she hands him the document.
"It's..... a deed poll..." says Roy. Slowly we see a big grin coming over his face, as he reads and digests the contents of the letter. "Hayley..... Anne...... Cropper", he continues and looks up at her.
"I've changed me name" say RHayley beaming broadly. "I might never be Mrs Cropper officially, but I thought this was the next best thing", she adds .
"Do you know, Hayley, I really do think that I'm the happiest man alive" replies Roy, as they embrace tenderly..... (awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, hanky attack....)
(For overseas readers, a deed poll is a legal document which signifies a formal change of name.)
Downstairs, the party is in full swing, as mike comes in through the door. In the corner, Gail and Martin are discussing Leanne and Nick, as Mike walks over to Alma, who is dancing with Spider. Mike is ready for the off, and despite being invited to join in, he isn't interested as he isn't in the mood for a party. A rather drunken Janice and Alison come over to him and suggest that they ought to have a wedding at the factory every week. He tells them that if any of them are not in a fit state for work tomorrow, because they have a hangover, then they shouldn't bother coming in, except to pick up their P45s. Misery-guts leaves the place alone, with Alma and the factory girls continuing to enjoy the party atmosphere. (For overseas readers, the P45 is a document issued by an employer when someone leaves - it states the income earned and tax paid in the current year to date and is handed over to a new employer to enable correct deduction of income tax.)
Gail is telling Martin that it is no joke, Leanne and Nick are finished and Nick has left for Canada. Martin is finding it difficult to accept but Gail can see the attraction - Nick's uncle, Stephen is there and a whole new life awaits Nick, more than he could ever dream of here. Martin still cannot get to grips with what has happened, after all, Nick has not even said goodbye to his mother, it's just not on. "Oh Martin, that's Nick, don't you know that?" replies Gail, as she breaks down into tears at the sudden departure of her son.
Ashley has come back home and is in the kitchen filling the kettle. He doesn't hear Leanne coming up behind him. She asks whether Nick got off OK, and Ashley tells her that the plane does not take off for another hour and that he left him at the departure gate. Ashley offers his sympathies at the way things have turned out, with the baby and now Nick. Leanne puts on a brave smile "that's life, innit? You never know what it's got in store for you." When Ashley tells her that it's still not fair, Leanne replies "well, neither is cheating at cards, but folks still play, don't they?" She tells him she is fine and that she is not going to do anything stupid like trying to gas herself, when he wants to roast the Sunday chicken. Ashley then relays a message from Nick, "he told me to tell you that he still loves you, you know." Leanne tearfully accepts the message. When Ashley asks her whether it was something they could have sorted out, Leanne points out to him that they might have done this time around, but, sooner or later, there would come a time when they would have come unstuck. They would "get wise sooner or later, this way it's sooner and we save everybody the bloodshed." When he asks what is in store in the future, she replies non-committally that they will have to wait and see.
Outside in the street, Emily's car is being decorated by Curly and Spider. As Roy and Hayley leave the café to go to the car, Curly announces "your carriage awaits." Spider explains to Emily how appropriate it is, for the all the pots and pans being tied to the car, with Roy owning the café. The onlookers wish the bride and groom well as they get into the car, which Emily is going to drive to the railway station. "I hope they've got thick walls at that hotel in York and well oiled bed-springs" yells Janice, "going for a roll, Roy?", accompanied by much raucous laughter.
As they prepare to wave off the happily married couple, whom do we see coming around the corner/ None other than the Bad Baron Battersby. Seeing him, Janice snatches a frying pan from Spider and furiously storms over to see her husband. She asks him where he is off to. To the Legion, he replies, as he asks what is going on. Janice tells him it's Roy and Hayley's wedding - Les sounds subdued and Janice asks whether he thought that he had wrecked it "good and proper." When he denies all knowledge, Janice reminds him "you and your scabby mates from t'papers, I'll give you press. I'll press your flaming bones to bits." With that, she takes a swing at Les with the frying pan. To the sound of "come her" and applause and cheers from the crowd, she charges after him, brandishing the pan.
At the same time, the wedding car starts to pull off, trailing pots and pans tied to the bumper bar. Our parting shot of the married couple is of them sitting in the back of the car, appropriately decorated with "Just Married" and "Good Luck" spayed in foam on the windows - they are embracing each other lovingly.
Back at Baldwin's flat, Mike has just returned home, not best pleased. He wearily puts down his briefcase on the floor and the post he has brought in from work, onto the table. He takes out his mobile phone and, yet again, dials Julia's number. The line is not available. His annoyance shows when he asks "what the hell is going on?" He then starts sorting through the post and comes across a large brown envelope at the bottom of the pile. He opens it and is absolutely gobsmacked at what he finds inside - some large colour photographs showing him kissing Julia, when he stayed at her flat. His face shows utter disbelief..... a nightmare is about to begin.....
And with that it is the cue for music and credits
Episode written by Phil Ford
All material is, and remains, copyright property of Granada Television.
Well, how was it for me? Well? what can you say? An amazing episode. I must give thanks to all involved with this storyline, from the special advisers to the writers, from the actors to the production staff. Brilliantly, brilliantly executed drama. We were left on Wednesday with a cliff-hanger ending as it looked as if Les Battersby had scuppered the wedding plans.
In this episode we saw the utter despair faced by Hayley as she was seemingly to be deprived of the very wedding she had always wanted, robbed at the last moment. The scenes in the café were exceptional for the tenderness, sensitivity and emotion they conveyed.
What a joy for Hayley to come downstairs to find that it COULD happen! What a joy to see Uncle Bert agreeing to give her away, this symbolically healing a long standing wound! What a joy to see Roy's face when he reads the Deed Poll changing Hayley's name from Patterson to Cropper.
In July last year, I was very fortunate to be the Updater for the "Roy and Hayley Airport" episode and I commented at the time, how wonderful it was to see Roy deciphering Hayley's writing on the window and the tremendous grin on his face. For me, that was THE episode of 1998. This one is hereby nominated at THE episode for 1999. In his round of publicity interviews over the last week or so, David Neilson (as Roy) has commented about the appeal of the storyline, the two misfits getting together and finding love and how there is a bit of the misfit in every one of us. I'll say amen to that. We've said it before, we got to know and love Hayley first as an ordinary person, then we learned about her past - so what about her past? What this storyline has done, is fundamentally cause me to re-examine my attitudes to a number of issues. I know it has had a similar effect on countless people up and down the country. On a personal level, it has enabled me to meet and become friends with some lovely people.
In the last few days, the UK Government has announced the setting up of a working party to examine the rights of Transsexual people. I have no doubt that this is a precursor to the eventual change in the law and what they are going to be examining over the next 12 months is how to overcome some of the practical difficulties which will arise, as a consequence. I applaud that change and have no doubt whatever, that everyone involved in the storyline has been instrumental in making that change happen. Power to the people!!
I have thanked all involved in the storyline, but let me thank again, David and Julie for their sensitive and wonderful character portrayals and for their behind-the-scenes lobbying for the cause.
As far as side characters are involved, gold stars also go to Toyah, Tyrone and Janice for their wonderful supporting acting - some lovely moments there.
An awesome episode that left me with a feel-good factor akin to when I saw "Les Miserables" - the power of love, it moves mountains...
On a final note, for those overseas readers and viewers who cannot wait to see the programme until it is aired in your neck of the woods, I am in the process of preparing some video clips of the wedding. Please e-mail me on my new address alan@tinkytubbie.freeserve.co.uk for more details.
Anyway that's it for now.. well, I can't stand here gabbin', I've got pies to shift. Until the next time, take care...
Tubby greetings and Tinkyluv from the Tinkster in Glorious Glossop.... Alan
Hiya :)
Well, if you've read Tinky's most recent Update then you'll know that last Friday's Episode (The Royal Wedding!) was a cracker and a half. There are no words that I could come up with to praise it highly enough and, even if I could, I'm sure Alan has already said them. :) So, naturally, you'd assume that Corrie would be suffering from a massive post-wedding blues session right now but *shock horror* not in the slightest! Despite my own little stresses, the appalling weather outside and the generally horrific state of the News this past week, Corrie amazingly still maintains it's sunny feelgood atmosphere. Tonight's episode was a delightful winner which managed to paste a smile across my face and remind me just why I watch this show so religiously. There really IS nothing on the television anything like it... *wistful sigh* So anyway, let's have a look down the Nation's favourite Street...
The evening's proceedings open with Spider emerging from the Kabin (in a remarkably ripped-up jumper) and crossing the road to where Nita is standing, arranging her flower display. He strikes up a conversation about an article he's just read in the paper regarding genetically modified food, announcing with terror that "Even real vegetables are an endangered species nowadays!" (Great, does this mean Les is on his way out?)... She assures him that the only things that are man-modified in her kitchen are the saucepans, in reference to the meal they have planned for tonight and he seems pleasantly surprised that she *really* wants to cook for him in her flat. She assures him that it'll be a pleasure to host him.
Across the road, Larry, Moe and Curly (the Three Stooges otherwise known as Kevin, Tyrone and err, Curly) hike out of No.7's front door and bemoan the start of another working week. Just then, Spider floats by, several inches off the ground and Curly jibes "What's up with you? Found an extinct creepy crawly or something?"... Our Arachnid Hero announces, to the shock of all in earshot, "I have a date tonight with Nita... dinner for two 'round at her place!" - Tyrone is predictably excited and utters a few "PHWOAR!"s in Spider's general direction, whilst Kevin and Curly express disbelief at the whole situation. Needless to say, the conversation veers off into the realms of the "bloke" as they begin to discuss (once more) the mysteries of the fairer sex. Kev is a bit upset because living the other two Stooges makes it's difficult for he and Alison to get any 'quality time' (ahem) to themselves. He proceeds to ask whether Curly fancies a night in the Rovers and, just as the Bespectacled One gets excited about a nice round of darts, Kev coughs "Well, I meant maybe Alison could come round while *you* were out"... With much comedic indignance, Curly finally gives in ("I wouldn't want to stand in the way of true love... just as long as you've got your clothes back on by half past ten!!") and Tyrone, handily (TOO HANDILY!), has already got 'plans' to go to the pictures with his friend Mucus. Kev, needless to say, walks off happy as.. err.. well, Larry. :)
Over at the Baldwin Flat, Mike is looking solemn at the table when Alma enters from the bedroom. He asks her what time she has her doctor's appointment and then suggests that he picks her up to take her there and wait. She insists that he really shouldn't, what with all his stress at work (!), but he is quite adamant that this will be the case. "I love you, Alma", he says with hideously false 'charm', "and I don't want anything to come between us" (ha! The guilty sod!)... She smiles, tells him that she loves him too and examines the answering machine, before heading out of the door. As she switches it on and checks for messages, Mike's face turns a whiter shade of pale as he realises that his Phantom Blackmailer could well have left something on it... Thankfully for him, the machine is empty and, as his wife leaves, he turns it off altogether with a look of dread on his face.
In the House Of Elliot, Ashley is preparing an absolutely mouthwatering breakfast of sausage, egg, bacon and fried bread (<Homer> mmmm.. breakfast.. </Homer>) for himself and Leanne. "Bloomin' 'eck, Ashley, what are you trying to do? Fatten me up so you fill me into one of your Uncle Fred's meat pies?" she jokes and he responds in typically deadpan fashion that Fred actually gets all his meats from the local kennels! LOL! Lee tells him that he'd better not make breakfast like this every day for her or else she'll "swell up to the size of a buffalo with water retention", which leads him to ask the question that we've all been dying to know: Should she stay or should she go now? Well, to put your minds to rest, she's decided that she's going to stay put at the House Of Elliot rather than move back to Le Chateau Batteau (and who can blame her!)... She tells Ashley that he's been "a good mate" throughout all of this and he, chuffed to be recieving praise, suggests that maybe he can get his Uncle Fred to lower her rate of rent a bit now that it's just Leanne by herself. She's over the moon at this and exclaims "I feel like celebrating!", to which The Lurve Doctor offers a night in The Rovers. Of course, Leanne has bigger, better things in mind and howls "The Rovers? Nah, that's like having a rave in a graveyard!" (rofl) before suggesting a nightclub, adding "I'm a free woman now, Ashley and it's about time the world found out!"
Meanwhile...
"We're having a lovely time. York is the most romantic place on Earth... or at least, it is with Roy" reads Janice from a postcard (guess who from? ;)) to the rest of the Factory Bees, who (with the exception of Loathsome Linda) greet it with an "Awww"... However, they are neglecting to notice one strange thing, which is that if Hayley only went to York on Friday night, she'd've had to post it virtually as soon as she got there or terribly early on Saturday morning in order for it to reach them on Monday so they can't be having *that* romantic a Honeymoon. ;))) Anyway, pedantic quipping aside, the fun is soon broken up by Mike Baldwin who enters and tells them all to get back to work, adding that he doesn't care what the postcard is or why they're reading it ("I couldn't care less if it's a telegram from the Queen making you all Duchesses!"). The Lord of the Underworld heads into his fiery office and asks Deirdre if there were any messages. She tells him that "some fabric rep" rang and would call back. Naturally, Mike's face begins to flash green and, as D turns to leave, he stops her and asks to be given back her key to the company safe. She does this, assuming that he's lost his own key, and gets a faceful of spite for expressing the slightest concern about who will be able to open the safe in his absence. "You'll have to ask me first!" he snaps at her, obviously planning to stash a certain set of photographs in there...
...So we cut to a far cheerier scene over in the Kabin, where Sharon is serving up tea. Leanne wonders aloud if the Gurning Gaskell fancies "a night on the tiles" with her, an idea met only with reluctance since Sharon reckons she's too old for clubbing. Rita, always the voice of reason, states that in her eyes, they're "both young pups" adding that "a night out would do you both good, I'll do the early shift in the morning"... Who could resist an offer like that? Well, not Sharon it seems, who to go out clubbing with Leanne (Hurrah! what an excuse for some inevitable hilarity, knowing Sharon!): "Aye, alright then" she sighs, "But I'm warning you... First bloke who comes over and asks if he can dance with me daughter and I'm off!"
Over at T'Rovers, Jim and Kevin are having a pint or two at the bar with the former enthusing about how good it'll be to get back into employment after such a long time away from it... Just then, Spider enters and orders a pint off Jack as Martin Platt mysteriously energises beside Jim (!?! Where did he come from ?!?), just in time to notice that our Arachnid Hero is clutching a shopping bag. Spider takes this chance to boast about his hot date tonight and it seems that he's been out buying himself a new shirt. Jack wonders "who the lucky girl is" and when it's revealed to be Nita, Jim chips in by drawling "Aye, she's a wee cracker" (lol!) before asking to see the new shirt... Well, words just don't stoop as low as this! It's a horrifyingly psychadelic silky number, several hundred decades dated ("original seventies" says Spider - little do they know he means 1770's!), that leaves the boys at the bar quite baffled. In fact, so disgusted is Kevin by the appalling state of Spider's new fashion accessory that he (without a word!) walks away from the conversation, over to a booth where Alison is sitting with some Factory Bees. "I know we're supposed to be going to the pictures tonight but, er, Curly's house is free" he whispers in the style of a naughty schoolboy and she starts giggling with a combination of horror and amusement at the thought of them being intimate in such a place. He begs that she comes over and eventually she agrees, adding that it'd be better if he had a place of his own.
Cut to outside the back of Frescho, where Tyrone is profoundly philosophising to Mucus from the back of a shopping trolley. "You know..." he beings, thoughtfully, "The key to life is knowing when to grab your opportunities and when to just lie back and let stuff happen"... He adds that if he'd said to Kevin this morning that he wanted a bribe to stay away from the house, they'd've probably only squeezed a fiver out of him. However, he has a better plan up his sleeve, one that's "so sassy" (LOL!) that he reckons they can easily scam a tenner from the Manic Mechanic, providing they play their cards right... Behind the Fiendish Plotters, Curly steps out of the back and talks briefly to a nervous Alma about her doctor's appointment. She tells him it's just a check-up and nothing to worry about, as he notices Tyrone and Mucus lazing around nearby. "What do you think you're doing?" he barks, before ordering Tyrone to shift and stack the trollies ("they look like they've been doing some sort of team cha-cha!").
The first half of the episode wraps up with Alma and Mike in the car. As she gets in, he asks her if she's alright and she tells him unconvincingly that she's fine before asking quite nonchalantly "What if it's bad news, Mike? What if it's cancer?" - He assures her it won't be...
END OF PART ONE
The adverts range between "so bad they're *almost* good" (ie: 'Ulrika's Ryvita'? Does it get any more absurd?) and simply "so very very bad" - Yep, get this for a double whammy - An advert for Gap clothing (yeuck!) of all things featuring LINE DANCERS, lots and lots of Line Dancers! ARRRGH! Apologies to anyone who line dances for pleasure (sympathies for those who have been sentenced to it by way of punishment) but, boy oh boy, I can think of few things more mindnumbingly idiotic to watch on my television screen. So, whilst I go pound a few nails into the floor with my forehead, the commercials pass by and we're soon back to Corrie:
PART TWO
Mike has now returned to the Factory, looking very distracted
and upset.. Deirdre enters the office and tries to get to the
bottom of what's making him so snappy. "You can tell me to
mind my own business if you like but I know there's something
wrong so don't try and tell me that there isn't... what I'm saying
is that if you need to talk, I'm always here..." - Amazingly,
he doesn't bite her head off for this and instead just sighs "Thanks",
before she reels off the list of calls that have come in while
he's been away. Apparently, "some woman" rang and refused
to leave a name or a message. Once again, we see Mike's face turn
a ghostly grey...
In The Kabin, Toyah and Leanne discuss Nick (he's gone, he's gone!! Yes!!): It seems Toyah wants to "wring his scrawny little neck" (she should've done that months ago!) but Lee tells her not to waste her time worrying since what's done is done and she isn't about to "slit her wrists over it". "Good job", smiles her stepsister, "I never could stand the sight of blood!"... They laugh and then the lightbulb appears over Leanne's head as she asks if Toyah fancies an evening out with her and Sharon tonight.
Toyah: "Sharon??" Leanne: "Yeah, she's a right laff, it'll be WILD!!!" (I bet!) Toyah: "Ok, if you say so!" Leanne: "Great, well why don't you come round at half seven?" Toyah: "Ok, see you then!" (Just then, Sharon enters from her lunch break) Leanne: (Chirpy beyond belief) "Hey, guess what! Our Toyah's gonna come along tonight too... FAB, innit???"
As Lee goes to fetch some cups of tea from out back, Sharon's face begins to gurn. She turns to Rita and sighs "Did you hear that?" - The Big Red One laughs and says "It has all the makings of a lively night out!" (I'll say so!) to which Sharon responds "Yeah, and I'll be feeling like Mother Goose!" (LOL!)
Back at T'Rovers, Jack is making some very saucy insinuations towards Ashley about the living situation of he and Leanne. "Aye, she's a good lookin' lass", he murmurs, "and you're a red-blooded lad..." but is cut off in his prime by Ash who tells him indignantly that he's got the wrong end of the stick, before taking his drink off to the table where Uncle Fred (yay!) is sitting... They get to talking about Leanne and Ashley wonders if perhaps her rent could be lowered now that Nick's left. Obviously, Fred is as miserly as ever and tells him that there's no chance of this happening before leaning in and saying solemnly "You see, I've got no wish to lend even more misfortune to that poor lass.. but you should be fixing to get shut of her, not fluffing up her pillows for her!" (wasn't this exactly what he said about Zoe??) - There's a pause as Fred's face turns stricken with horror - "Ere, you're not are you?" he gasps, "I mean, there's nowt clandestine or salacious transpiring behind those walls is there??"
Ashley: "She's just a friend..." Fred: "Aye, well you make sure it stays that way.. She's a married woman and all married women have one thing the same.." Ashley: "What's that then?" Fred: "Husbands!" Ashley: (Shocked) "Gah, what is it with you blokes over 50?? It's all just sex, sex, sex!!!" (Well, Alan, this is what you've got coming to you in a few months time then, I assume! ;))))
Eh up, here comes trouble. Les bleedin' Battersby saunters into the bar and spies Martin and Gail in a booth. "HEY!" he shouts, boorishly, "Have you heard from that scumbag desertin' son of yours lately?" before launching into a predictable tirade about how it's no wonder Nick left Leanne in the lurch with such a 'terrible upbringing'! Thankfully, Martin gets up and gives Les a piece of his mind, slamming him for his horrible attempts at ruining Roy and Hayley's wedding amongst other things. Much to my regret, before the Nutty Nurse has a chance to decapitate the Boorish Battersby with a blunt knife, Jack intervenes and tells them to calm down... Gail suggests that they leave, so leave they do, as Les dusts himself down and silently declares himself the winner of this little showdown... Grrrr!
Over at Nita's flat (Which incidentally is looking tres chic! is this the first time we've seen it? Top stuff, Miss Interior Decorator!), she is laying some cutlery out on the table and trying to get rid of her brother Vikram who insists on making sure her date for the night is "trustworthy". She finally manages to persuade him to leave, but just as he opens the front door, who should be standing outside but Spider, dressed in his new 'n' nasty psychadelic silky shirt. Vik has a giggle and leaves, whilst his sister invites her direly-dressed date into the flat for an entertaining evening of fine food and convineal conversation.
Another one who's fallen victim to the drunken wardrobe assistant is Leanne who walks down the stairs of Elliot in a miniscule red and black undergarment and seems to think that this is what she's going to be wearing tonight at the nightclub! Well, I never! Ashley seems to think it's nice and says he'll get his coat... Unfortunately, he's under the impression that when Leanne suggesting clubbing over breakfast she meant the two of them so obviously, he's a little crestfallen when Toyah shows up and he discovers it's a girl's night out. The Battersby Sisters perk off into the night, leaving Ashley sighing at the television, no doubt preparing for yet another night of fascinating documentaries on the mating habits of the water buffalo.
Kevin and Alison, in the meantime, seem to be getting quite settled in front of the TV over at No.7... Of course, just as they kiss, who should show up but Tyrone and Mucus (which is when we get to see their cunning plan put into action!)... Tyrone explains, unconvincingly, that they got thrown out of the cinema they went to when Mucus tried to pour tomato ketchup and mustard into the popcorn machine (!) and that, barred from the pictures with no money, they've got to nothing to do. Kevin, in total desperation, instantly thrusts a ten pound note into the lad's hand and tells him to begone... As the boys leave, significantly better off than when they entered, Mucus gives Tyrone a high five and exclaims "Yeah! You're the man!!!"
An absolute treasure of a scene ensues over at Nita's flat now, by candelight, as her and Spider tuck into an exotic meal of something that I can't even pronounce, let alone spell, I'm afraid - please forgive the ignorance on my behalf. He is very impressed by it and she laughs that he's a "great eater", to which he jokes "Yeah, it's one of my talents - Aunty Em says that it's good I'm a vegetarian - otherwise, I'd've made Fred Elliot a millionaire!"... They laugh and Spider continues the conversation by asking if *she* wants to be a millionaire (tenuous link, I know, but it works!), wondering about her ambitions and dreams... Nita explains that as a child she wanted to be an actress, then a model, then later an astronaut, adding that as you grow, your dreams grow with you: "Little girls who want to be princesses grow up wanting a husband and kids while little boys who want to be racing drivers end up wanting cars with go-faster stripes!" - They laugh together and discuss just what *their* current aspirations are. Spider, of course, wants to do his best to 'save the planet', whilst Nita has dreams of going to faraway lands ("When I look at labels on stuff in the shop and it says 'Made In India' or 'Made In China', I think I'd like to go there, I'd like to go everywhere") and it seems they have a common love of travel.
Spider: "It's a wide world, out there... I think it's our *duty* to see as much of it as we can... You know, I've always thought that eventually, when I settle down, it'll be somewhere foreign, remote and unspoilt..." Nita: (Laughs ever-so-slightly) "A little hut on a desert island?" Spider: (Smiles) "Yeah, something like that... maybe even a couple of kids.." Nita: (Smiles back) "Gosh. Well, you've got to find the right girl first, haven't you?" Spider: (Looking at her and grinning) "Yeah..."
It's hard to put it in text, since all of that probably seems a bit trite but this scene was just brilliant. The candlelight atmosphere, the sedate decor of Nita's flat, the high quality of both actors. Oh, I don't know, maybe I'm just an old romantic or something but I thought this was just wonderful, utterly utterly wonderful. I would also like to take back at this point anything derogatory I've said about either Nita or Rebecca Sarker in the time that she's been on the Street. She's really gone from being a snotty, stony, standoffish horror into a strong, intelligent and, above all, endearing character in the last few weeks. Not to mention a great actress, when given the chance to shine!
Back in the pub, Les accosts his daughters and starts mouthing off about Nick and what a bastard he was. "His head was too big for his boots", he snarls and it becomes patently obvious that this isn't what Leanne wants to hear when she's *trying* to prepare for a night out. Since it's also apparent that he's not going to shut up, they decide to walk out and leave, just as Sharon has got the first round in... As the two Battersbys storm away, Sharon tries to quickly down all the drinks (hey, waste not, want not!) before rushing out after them!
The camera cuts to Mike and Alma who are sitting in a booth. It seems she has been referred to a specialist (who she'll see on Friday) and is more than a bit upset that these things take so long. Mike attempts to assure her that all will be fine but she reminds him that they wouldn't refer her to a breast clinic unless they thought there was something afoot. "So in the meantime, I'm supposed to go on feeling like this?" she says, her eyes filling a little... "My nerves are stretched to breaking point, I feel sick, I can't think straight, my head feels like it's going to explode... I just want to know.. if I'm going to die" (On paper, I know this must sound quite bad, but Amanda Barrie pulls it off very naturally with no overacting or excessive weeping - just a subtle, but affecting tone of uncertainty and fear) - She looks as if she's about to start crying so Mike suggests that they leave.
Outside, Nita is saying goodbye to Spider (whilst it's still light outside!)... She apologises for having to let him go so early but "such is the life of a shopkeeper, I'm afraid". He says that's alright and adds that he's had a lovely time. She has too, evidentally, and for a second it looks like they're about to kiss! Will they? Won't they!? His head moves about a centimetre further towards her than it was... She doesn't notice... He smiles... She smiles... Tension mounts!!! "Right then", he says, moving back "I'll er, see you around!" - "Ok, bye!" she says and waves him off, smiling. Ok, you can breathe out again now. :) (Incidentally, let's make these two a couple, please - they're the best thing since Kevin and Alison!)
As Mike and Alma, meanwhile, start to get into the car, his mobile 'phone goes off. Sure enough, it's Julia Stone from a carphone and the nature of her blackmail is exposed once and for all. She wants 10,000 as soon as possible or else the incriminating prints will be sent to Alma. "My wife is ill!" he exclaims, in desperation but Julia only tells him sternly this is all the more reason to pay up by Friday when she will call him again... As she hangs up, Mike gets into his vehicle and drives off down Coronation Street, at which point we see that the car Julia was calling from was parked right around the corner! The episode ends with a shot of her face, smiling wickedly, as her prey has fallen head first into the trap... Cue credits!
This episode was written by Phil Ford who you might recall I labeled as "increasingly excellent" back on the 16th November 1998. Since then, the man has just gone from strength to strength! So many recent episodes that have shone like diamonds in the rough have bore his name and this one just proves what a talent he has for dialogue. Not very much actually happened but, in the true spirit of the show, this made it all the better. It was a delight to see the conversations between Ashley and Fred, Spider and Nita, The Three Stooges, Mike and Alma, etc etc. In fact, to be honest, I don't think there was a bad scene at all in tonight's episode and it left me with a bit of a warm glow, as Corrie should.
Lovely, lovely stuff. I hope we can see more like this one in the future.
The Rattler
Noswaith da and greetings from sunny (it wont last) Wales.
Thanks to Ekky on RATUCS who (unwittingly) supplied me with an excellent new nickname for Gail. The Treen. Apparently, the Treen is a green, chinless monster in the Dan Dare comics. Sorry if this update seems a little hurried but, in best CP fashion, I'm late.
This episode was sponsored by Cadburys Crunchie and, unlike that sensitive soul who does the Monday updates, I LOVE this opening sequence. ;) I think it's the best one they've had. I was sponsored by the wonderful, and Welsh, Catatonia, whose new album 'Equally Cursed &Blessed' is out now. If you don't own this record yet what are you waiting for?
We start at the House of Elliot where the Lurve Doctor is shocked to find Toyah sleeping on the settee. 'What yer doing? HELLO! Earth to Toyah.' He pokes her (no, no, not like that. This is a family show). 'Are you getting up or what.' Why didn't she go home last night? Because they got back late. Leanne comes downstairs. 'I feel like me heads been squashed'. Toyah tells her she 'looks like a burst mattress.' LOL! The Lurve Doctor brings Leanne an aspirin and offers to make her a bacon sandwich. Toyah tells her sister that she's got him well trained and asks for a fried egg and brown sauce sandwich. (LOL! Bless them. They both look like I did last weekend, but I find a little bit of slap courtesy of Christian Dior and Revlon, a gallon of water and a couple of B & H, and I'm a new woman).
Over at Roy's Rolls, the Treen is talking to Cadfael. Cadfael is saying that running her market stall is a lot easier in the warm weather (yes, dear, and so is drying the washing, but we don't bore the socks off people talking about it). Across the caf, Curly and Short Rodney are having breakfast. Curly tells the little sproglet to hurry up.
CURLY - 'I'm due a visit by Aiden O'Donnell this morning and he's not going to be very impressed if he arrives there and I'm still here having a leisurely breakfast with a human vacuum cleaner. Well, half human.'
TYRONE - ' Go and get a decaff or something Curly, you're stressing out, man. You're gonna give yourself an ulcer.'
CURLY - 'Giving me an ulcer is YOUR job.'
TYRONE - 'OK, I'm done.'
CURLY - 'Good, let's go.'
TYRONE (pointing at Curry's plate) - 'You're not gonna leave that sausage are you?'
They leave with the sausage as Jim enters the caf and sits by Gary. (Yay! Gary and Jim in a scene together. Yay!)
JIM - 'What about you Gary?'
GARY - 'What's up with you? Couldn't you sleep.' (isn't he polite? That is NOT what we say around here, but as I've said earlier, Corrie IS a family show).
JIM - 'Hey! Behave yourself. I'm on me way to work in the garage.
GARY (beaming) - 'Excellent! No, I know. I did hear. Good news, eh?'
JIM - 'Oh, I feel like I'm back in the land of the living at last.'
GARY - 'Well, welcome back. There's nothing worse than sitting at home wondering what to do with yourself.'
JIM - 'Well, it's another step along the road. You know what I mean. That's the main thing, I'm getting there.'
GARY - 'I can't fault you, Jim. Most people would still be sat at home moping, feeling sorry for themselves.'
JIM - 'I know. It's hard though, you know, getting over an accident like this. Eh? Getting back on an even keel.'
GARY - 'Well you've done it now. First step is the worst, eh?' (raises mug) 'Cheers.'
Over at Underworld of Delight the girls are clocking in and having a chat. Lord Hades moans to the Cardassian that they are taking too long about it. He bangs the window to them to get moving. He asks the Cardassian if they have to have a mother's meeting every morning. 'In a word Mike. Yes. I mean we're only women. What else do you expect?' LOL! He snarls at her (so what's new).
We now go to some unnamed market where people are buying coffee off one of those dreadful mobile drinks/burger vans, which stink the place out and make everyone feel ill. A totally boring scene follows. All you need to know is that Cadfael is having a row with some bloke about parking and a Knight in Shining Armour called Danny (Danny? Aren't they supposed to be called Lancelot or Gawain?), comes to her rescue.
Lord Hades is trying to sort out a business deal to raise some cash. The Cardassian comes in with an invoice for him to check out, before she pays it. He says it will have to wait until next week. She replies, 'oh, they'll love that, won't they.' He says he has taken on a load of work that he wants cleared by the weekend.
Jim and the Manic Mechanic are at the garage. Jim is looking forward to starting work (and so am I. Good to see him back, especially without the rest of that horrible MacDonald clan hanging around him). He says it's a year since he last worked at the garage and both he and the Manic One agree that they could have done without the past year.
JIM - 'I want to feel like a worker, not a liability.'
KEVIN - 'Listen I wouldn't have took you on if I thought that.'
JIM - 'I understand and I appreciate it.'
Daffers and Leanne are in the Kabin telling Rita about their night out. The Big Red says she thinks romance has moved on a bit from her day and Leanne still has that headache.
Back at the market, Cadfael is being chatted up by Sir Lancelot.
Outside Freshco's, Cleopatra and the Witch in the Wardrobe are loading their car with shopping. Witchie Poo asks Cleo if maybe she'd like a couple of days off work. Cleo replies she is better off working, to take her mind off it (not that that EVER works). Witchie says she doesn't know how Cleo copes and she replies that she has no choice.
At that moment LOL! Short Rodney comes tearing around the corner running with a row of about 15 trolleys. Cleo shouts at him to slow down and Witchie says 'he wants locking up, that child.' Cleo replies 'they tried that. It didn't work.'
We cut to where Curly is talking to his boss, who is just about to get into his car. Aiden is telling Curly how impressed he is with him and the store. Ut oh has anyone guessed what's going to happen next? Yep, that's right, CLANG!! The trolleys crash straight into the front of the car. Short Rodney looks shocked. Curly and Aiden look murderous. Short Rodney moves away followed by Curly who says (only for his hearing), 'don't just stand there you ugly little plank. Buzz off. Go on. Run.' As Short Rodney runs away he shouts, 'come back here you little sod. I'll kill you.' LOL! and LOL! He apologises to Aiden.
AIDEN - 'Look at the state of my car. I've only had it a week.'
CURLY - 'Isn't it a company car?'
AIDEN - 'What difference does that make.'
CURLY - 'Sorry, kids round here, eh?'
End of Part One
Who are they kidding? When has a breakfast cereal EVER stopped ANYONE from feeling hungry until lunchtime?
Part Two
Curly and Aiden are in his office discussing the damage to his car. Aiden says it will be a long time before he forgets 'that evil little face' and reckons Curly should take someone on to look after the trolleys, to keep hooligans like that out of the car park.
In the corner shop Spider, who is wearing a jumper full of holes, is chatting up Nita. Does she want to go to his place for dinner? She suggests a drink in the Rovers instead.
At Castle Gorgon, the Refresher and the Manic Mechanic look on, embarrassed, as Curly gives Short Rodney a row about what happened earlier. Curly tells him he will have to sack him. Short Rodney tells Curly to stick his job and stick his house. Curly tells the little sproglet he needs to grow up. Short Rodney slams out of the house.
At Flatlands, Lord Hades is worried about his latest predicament. Cleo says he is busying himself in work because he doesn't want to dwell on her situation. He says it's hard enough for him so what on earth must it be like for her? He suggests they go out for a meal.
ALMA - 'Mike, I do love you, you know.'
MIKE - 'Yes I know you do. And I love you too. I want you to remember that no matter what happens.'
ALMA - 'Good, because I think that's about all that's going to get me through this right now. I'll be alright, I promise.'
She goes to get her coat and he looks guilty as hell (as he should, the cheating pig).
Over at Castle Gorgon, Spider is asking Curly where he thinks Short Rodney has gone. Curly is worried and thinks it's all his fault. Spider says Tyrone can look after himself and that he's a lot harder that Curly thinks. Curly says he's only a kid and that it's because he's had to be. Spider can't wait to get to the Rovers, where Nita might be waiting for him. Curly is meeting the Refresher and Manic Mechanic. Spider says he has a lot more in common with Nita than he ever did with Lorraine (she's not embalmed for a start).
Over at the Kabin, Cadfael is telling Daffers about her day.
In the Rovers, Spider is telling Nita about the time he and the Fairy Godmother climbed the trees for an Eco protest. She has to leave as she is getting up early in the morning but agrees to one more drink. In the background, Curly is looking on wistfully. He is sat by the Manic Mechanic and the Refresher, who are all over each other. He leaves, as he is worried about his little charge. The Manic One tells the Refresher that it is a good idea he has taken on Jim and that he will start to look for his own place soon.
Nita is thanking Spider for walking her home. Maybe they should do it more often he says. She says as long as they just stay friends, nothing serious, but she does like him. They both look a little down in the dumps.
Lord Hades and Cleo arrive home from the restaurant. She has had a lovely evening. She wants to go to bed but is glad they went out tonight. When she's gone, he looks at their wedding photo and the reality of the situation hits him as the credits roll.
Written by Stephen Bennett
That's it from me. Hope you liked it. The Disco Diva will be here next week. If it's Bank Holiday where you are then have a good one and if you are going to be dancing around any Maypoles this weekend, make sure you don't collide with anyone, eh.
Hwyl fawr, Jane
Vivienne Smith - virgin updater here.
It's such a long time since I did *anything* for the first time I'm not sure I remember the form; I think I have to ask you to be gentle with me.
Now, should I do a Tinkyesque prologue; a CP-style diary of the dirty doings at Smith Towers (aka Fag Hag Mansions); be very literary like Ros (after all *I've* done A319 as well) or should I Rattle off a biting and witty update full of great nicknames and one-liners?
Perhaps for tonight I'll take it easy, keep my stabilisers on and just tell you what happened.
Tonight's episode opens Chez Baldwin where Mike is suggesting that Alma ring Audrey and have her hair done to take her mind off things. Alma, however, doesn't want to be with other people, unless Mike needs a hand in the factory? Well Mike certainly doesn't want her there and tells Alma that being with the factory girls will be the last thing she needs. Instead he'll call in and tell dreary to manage. Alma realises that keeping Mike away from his factory won't make for a restful morning so insists he goes in to work and she'll stay on her own until Gail takes her to the hospital at one o'clock.
Meanwhile at the corner shop Nita is opening a greetings card which plays a rather tinny version of Happy Birthday to you. Spider approaches with yet more fruit. These visits to the shop to gaze on the lovely Nita must be keeping him regular! He discovers it is her 24th birthday and is told by Linda that he should watch out for Taureans as they are passionate but headstrong. Spider looks as though he thinks this is a winning combination but Nita points out that she considers herself independent.
Enter Vikram who as usual is late, but not too late for his big sister to have a nag at him for not using his alarm clock. She tells Spider and Linda that she isn't nagging, she's just fed up of being stuck in the shop on her own. There follows a little Corrie scene
Linda "Tell me about it, you know it's getting more like Caracas everyday" Spider "Crackers?" Linda "CARACAS. Venezuela to you. Our Billy jumped ship there and came home limping. There's eight women to every man; just like Weatherfield! O' course, it'll be nearer nine now. Leanne's on t'loose. Her fella's run off to Canada."
On overhearing this, and realising that Nita is short of change, Vikram suddenly springs into life and dashes off to find some pound coins for her. Hmm! I think we can guess where he's off to.
In the next scene, which takes place at Underworld, we welcome back some previous Corrie stars who have not been around much lately, but in this scene they gave a sterling performance. Ladeeez and gentlemen a big hand please for the return of Dreary's neck tendons.
Mike is in the office shoving a large bundle of used notes into a jiffy bay when Deirdre enters without knocking and gets an earful from Mike: she storms out and they have a stand up row on the factory floor, to the obvious amusement of the girls! Deirdre has realised that she is "working for a bad tempered, ignorant, swine". She should read RATUCS; we'd have told her that a long time ago.
Mike takes her into the office and apologises for his behaviour, telling her about Alma's health worry and blaming his own edginess on his concern for his wife. Johnny Briggs was excellent in this scene. I was almost in tears even though I knew what Deirdre didn't, that his bad temper was just as likely to be caused by Julia Stone. He came across as very convincing and yet all the time I was thinking what a bastard he was!
Back in the Kabin Vacuous Vikram is being pukingly, smarmy to Leanne, who seems to be enjoying the attention. Enter Spider in search of his change. After a short discussion it is decided that Nita is to be surprised with a night out at a club. (Was it really called Koshers, BTW?)
In the Rovers Jack is giving Gary some advice about getting new customers for the window cleaning round; he doesn't believe Eunice has a window cleaner "and she'll fill your hot water as often as you like".
Fred, meanwhile is surprised to find that Ashley not advertising the spare room at the house of Elliott. Learning that Leanne is staying he decides that there is a lot to be said for having a wench about. It means there is someone to cook and clean. And does she have a sewing machine. Ashley splutters into his pint "It's you who'll need the stitches if she hears you talking like that, Uncle Fred". Question. Who runs the Freshco meat counter while Ashley is in the pub?
Julia Stone has rung Mike to give him the handover instructions for the blackmail money. He told her that he couldn't go too far away so she says she'll get back to him in ten minutes. Now she turns up in person at Mike's office. He thinks she is taking a risk in coming to the factory but she just gives him one of her hard-faced-bitch looks and asks if he thinks the girls will gang up on her. The way Mike speaks to his staff he'd probably find they were cheering for Julia!
After swapping money and negatives he tells her about Alma's lump. He gets the expected amount of sympathy from Julia. Her comment? "Well," indicating the ten grand "bang goes the private room." Even die-hard Baldwin-haters like me must have wanted to slap her round the chops right then.
End of Part One
There were eight of the top ten annoying ads; so I think we'll fast forward to
Part Two
Mike is on the phone to Nurse Florence Platt, trying to find out
where Alma has got to. She comes in while he is still on the phone
and the news is good. (Hurrah!!!) Alma doesn't have cancer, just
a fibrous growth. Again Johnny Briggs was excellent as he held
Alma tightly and told her how much he loved her. (He's still a
bastard though.) Question. If Gail was taking Alma to the specialist,
Royston is on honeymoon and Toyah was at school - who was pouring
the teas at the caf?
Later, at the Rovers the birthday party meets up, the only person missing is the birthday girl herself. Vikram has managed the triple whammy of first forgetting her birthday, then buying her a CD she already owns, and now he has forgotten to invite her to her own night out. (I speak from experience when I say that anyone with younger brothers would know this to be a very realistic scenario! The presents my brothers have bought me!) Alison doesn't want to join the clubbers; she can't imagine Kevin in a club. Linda chimes in with" The last time he were in a club, Brotherhood of Man were in the charts". Top woman, Linda! Steve decides that he'll join the revellers, especially if the choice is staying in the Rovers with Curly and Lusty Linda. From one of the booths Audrey and Fred look on disapprovingly at Leanne. Audrey declares that she is "a hard faced little Madam" and Fred expresses his concern that Ashley will become smitten. However Audrey thinks Ashley is safe "after all, Nick's a hard act to follow". Honestly, how could anyone miss someone as wooden er, yes of course. That might not be * all * bad
Kevin and Sally want to spend the evening making the beast with two backs so Curly has decided to go and see the midnight horror double bill at the pictures. When everyone else has cleared off he asks Linda if she likes horror films but she says she is a Catholic and doesn't agree with meddling with the supernatural. Curly is surprised that she is not named after a saint, he's never heard of Saint Linda. " Oh aye" she says "she was a sort of PA to Saint Jude". Looking pointedly at Curly she adds "you know, the patron saint of lost causes". LOL. Poor old Curly! I found myself warming to Linda during this episode. I felt we got to know just a little bit about her, and I'm sure there is some deep unhappiness in her background. Will we find out what it is?
Down at Koshers (sorry, I still can't believe it's called that) Steve is doing his best to charm Nita; in other words he is grimacing and rolling is eyes around. Ashley is determined to stay sober for work the next day but he is employing the drink-loads-of-beer method so I think he is in for a bad head in the morning. Steve is plying Nita with fake champers and now she invites him back to her flat to drink the bottle she keeps handy for such occasions. Personally, I wouldn't give house room to someone who drank fake fizz, especially someone who bought it for me as a treat!
While all the groovy young things are enjoying themselves at the discotheque, there is, back at the Rovers, another of those wonderful scenes that only Corrie can do. You can't imagine EastEnders having one of these gentle little scenes. They do nothing to move the plot forward; they just show the characters being themselves.
It's closing time and Jack is behind the bar with Gary and Jim finishing their drinks.
GARY: Wonder how the ravers are getting on
JACK: Aye
JIM: Well I'll tell you one thing and I'll tell you no more, it won't take us long to go down and find out
JACK: We wouldn't have to get changed neither, would we?
JIM: Scruffier the better. Scruffier the better down there.
GARY: Shall I phone a taxi then? I'll have to change me shoes though 'cos I've got me trainers on.
JIM: Aye. And I'll have to the cashpoint anyway
JACK: You'll need a bank loan the prices they charge down there Jim
JIM: Do you know they search you before you go in Jack? Our Stephen was saying they search you
JACK: A far cry from the Locarno, Jim!
GARY: They're engaged.
JACK: Well, I'll tell you what, we'll have a swift half while we're waiting on Natalie.
JIM: While we can still hear ourselves think
JACK: Now will I be better off without my glasses? 'Cos I believe those flashing lights - they give you fits.
GARY: Oh yeah. You'll be having flashbacks to 'Nam.
JIM: Oh aye, very good Gary. Ah sure, it'll be gone midnight before we're in the place.
JACK: You're paying a fortune for just a couple of dances, aren't you?
GARY: That's if they play anything you can dance to.
JACK: Tell you what. Let's make it a pint.
Jim and Gary agree, and the scene ends with Gary saying "It's a shame really though, 'cos I were looking forward to a bop".
In about twenty lines of dialogue they went from being three young blokes (in their imaginations) out on the spree to three chaps who didn't want a load of noise, bright lights and aching feet, but just fancied another pint in comfort with their friends.
Back at Watt's lodging house (single, working men welcome - no DSS) Curly, coming in after the pictures, is alarmed by the sound of Kevin coming in the front door. Then he says he can hear glass breaking, but Kevin thinks he should stop watching frightening films, and makes him promise that next time he goes to the flicks he'll see Bambi.
Round the corner of the street comes a black cab, containing the revellers. Unfortunately Ashley appears to have over-revelled himself. He is in the traditional pose of the aprs-club drunk bloke, that is he is clinging to his mate with one arm and his kebab with the other. Poor Spider is quite distressed that he may soon become tainted with meat juices from the kebab. (He needn't worry, it probably has a zero meat content if it is like the ones sold near my house. Memo to Jane - Don't eat * anything * from the van outside the university when you come for your Summer School.)
The driver brakes suddenly and, realising something is on fire, they all make to get out but Steve cautions them to stay in the cab "in case it goes". It is Brother Cadfael's van, set on fire by Hugh Berenger who is fed up with being made to look useless by the know-all monk. Sorry, I was getting mixed up. It is Sally Cadfael's van, burning away whilst the neighbours shout to try and wake her. She gets to the window as steve has the presence of mind to shout at her to get back. She slams shut the window as the van explodes. That familiar tune starts as Sally looks in horror at her ex-van.
This episode was one what Jan McVerry wrote, and jolly good it was too.
As someone once said " How was it for me?" A grand episode with some high drama and pathos, but most of all some lovely bits of character writing. High points were the scene with Jim, Jack and Gary and just about every time that Linda was on.
As I have not done one of these before I will call a halt now and go and make another pot of tea. I feel I need it. I have realised that I am way out of practice with writing for fun. I must have been writing too many instruction manuals lately. I am also doing the Sunday update so will try and relax a bit before I start on that. Please excuse any typos, misplaced apostrophes, misspellings or other errors.
Oh, almost forgot ...
And finally, tonight's update sponsored by Puccini, Mchel Silleabhin, Radiohead, Fascinating Aida and a Northern Soul compilation (what I was listening to) and PG Tips Pyramid bags [although I believe they are more tetrahedral than pyramidal] (what I was drinking).
