Friday 1 January

Hiya folks!!!! ... Time again for another update....

Well, here we are. Another year!! Yikes!! This year sees my 5-0, a prospect which scares the pants off me, how quickly time has gone.

Christmas has gone. The tree has been taken down and dumped outside. Always a sad occasion for me. The house looks so bare after the colour of Christmas.

We greeted the New year in, in mixed style. A few days earlier, I got up to find some drips of water coming through the ceiling into our dining room. Fortunately, the area underneath was clear at the time. Anyway over the next couple of afternoons, I proceeded to lift up the floorboards upstairs - it turned out to be a leak from a hot water pipe on the central heating system. The day before New Year's Eve, an emergency plumber drained the system and pronounced us without central heating or hot water. But at least , we stemmed the flow. However, part of the ceiling split, weakened by water for God knows how long. The following day, New Year's Eve, the Gas Board engineer came round in the afternoon to investigate and, as expected, the news is that we are without heating and hot water, until Monday.

To cap it all, we have all been merrily passing around cold infections between each other and it was Trude and Simon's turn on New Year's Eve. So we stayed in and I mingled between the family (in between Trude falling asleep all dosed up), watching a brilliant Rolling Stones concert on German satellite TV and the IRC crowd....

On the channel, I saw in the New Year in Queensland, the UK, the Maritime Provinces and Toronto/Ottawa regions of Canada. I finally hit the sack just after 6 a.m. That night brought home to me the truly international nature of the #coro_street channel and, of course, the universal appeal of Corrie itself. A number of us recorded New Years greetings which we played to each other on the channel and Elaine in Australia had the great idea of putting them together into a #coro_street wave to symbolise what it's all about....

So, on that note, let me wish you all, health, peace, happiness and love for 1999....

The episode commences in Rita's flat. Greg has broken into Alec's flat and come through the connecting door, having initially taken down the barrier installed just before Alec's departure. He is intent on revenge following the collapse of his relationship with Sally, blaming her for the aftermath and his moment has now arrived. A terrified Sally is sobbing her heart out and Greg is telling her that he was not prepared to stand back and let her screw up his life. Although she maintains she did nothing, he is insistent, he has now nothing because of her. They could have gone their separate ways, like adults, so why did she do what she did, he asks? She had to rub his nose in it, to twist the knife, he continues, did she have fun, dreaming up little schemes to humiliate him, arranging to have the car taken back on Christmas Eve? Her reply that all she wanted to do was to cut all ties with him, cuts no ice with him. Why did she have to fill Maxine's head with all her poison, he asks? She maintains it was merely the truth, but Greg is in full flow - there is no stopping him. He insists that Sally has been hell-bent on making him suffer, ever since she left, now it's his turn. The petrified look on Sally's face shows the full extent of her fear as to her potential fate.

We are chez Platt and Nick's 18th birthday party is in full flow. There is a mix of guests, the usual family, neighbours and friends. Martin brings in the cake - 18 candles on top all lit up. The assembled throng sing "Happy Birthday" to the birthday boy who hugs his mother. As Nick blows out the candles, Martin comments to him that he knows what Nick's birthday wish would be, but Nick is realistic - the prospect of Leanne coming back to him is unlikely to come true. Martin tells him that it is hardly going to happen while Leanne is at the Rovers - apparently, Ashley saw her there earlier and she looked even more miserable than Nick did. Nick brightens up at hearing this news, recognising that there may yet be hope for their marriage and the stupidity of their argument, decides to pop across to the Rovers right now.

"Not so smug are you now?" continues Greg as he lunges towards Sally. She grapples with him and pushes him back on the settee. Seizing the opportunity, she makes a run for it, running downstairs into the street, yelling "Get away from me!!!"

At that moment, Nick is coming out of his house and seeing Sally in obvious trouble, runs across the road to help her. He pulls Greg away from Sally and brings him down to the ground.

Back at the Platts, the party is in full flow. The revelries are interrupted when Sally bursts into the house, distraught and terrified. Gail comforts Sally, who explains tearfully that Greg had attacked her and that he is outside with Nick. On hearing this, Martin rushes out to Nick's assistance. In the meantime, Rita tries to console Sally.

Outside, Martin sees Nick on the ground having been winded by Greg. We see Greg beating a hasty retreat from the scene as Martin comes to Nick's support. Nick's face is bleeding, but he is more worried about the state of his shirt.

A small crowd has gathered across the street, viewing the events. Leanne has come out of the Rovers. Seeing Nick, obviously hurt, she rushes across upset, asking what has happened, as Martin escorts Nick back home.

Back at the party, Audrey is asking Fred what has been going on between Sally and Greg. "I think it's what the police call a domestic" replies RFred. Audrey is surprised at Greg being violent towards Sally, but Fred doesn't see things the same way, "I'd put nothing past that fella." Toyah has been overhearing the conversation and chips in with the opinion that men who are violent towards women should be hung, she wishes she had been there. When Fred asks what she could have done, we get the answer. "Right upper cut, left hook, round house, side kick, right knee..." What a star!!!

Sally is sitting down, explaining to Rita and Gail that she was convinced Greg wanted to kill her, thank God the girls weren't in the flat. Fred comes to her assistance with a brandy to calm her nerves and Alf offers to take her down to casualty. Sally won't hear of it, all she wants is a plaster, she must have cut her foot running across, she tells them. Rita blames herself for the attack, she should have made Sally phone the police earlier, but Sally knows that the police wouldn't have been able to do anything, as Greg was out to get her. Rita reveals to the crowd that Greg was handy with his fists behind closed doors and how he had threatened Sally previously. Sally is horrified at Rita raising these details publicly, but Rita is unrepentant - why shouldn't people know what sort of an animal he is? What she cannot understand is why Sally let him in. Sally replies that she didn't do so and explains that he came in through Alec's flat and forced his way in.

Nick, Leanne and Martin come back and ask how Sally is. She is more concerned about Nick, seeing him bleeding, but our hero is fine. Rita asks where Greg Kelly is but Martin can only tell her that Greg ran away as soon as he approached them. Rita decides to phone the police, the sooner they find Greg Kelly, the better. Sally is very embarrassed and doesn't want a fuss making. Rita is insistent, she is not going to go back to her flat with Greg roaming around the place. Fred offers to escort the ladies home and our Gallant butcher offers to guard them all night, if necessary. Awwwww!! My hero!!

Sally gets up to leave for home - she thanks Nick for helping her and hopes he hasn't had his party ruined. It was nothing he tells her, in any case, it's early yet, but she tells him that he saved her life. Nick's gallantry is recognised by Leanne, who puts her arms around him and embraces him. The smile on Nicks' face shows relief for the reprieve to the marital problems the two had been suffering.

Audrey is back in party mood and gets the music started, much to Alf's irritation.

At the Rovers, Blanche is bending Deirdre's ear. This time it's where they are sitting, that is the problem - it's in a draught, can they not sit somewhere else? Deirdre tries to point out to her mother that this was the only table she was able to get, but Blanche is full flight - you can tell she is going to have a moan, whether it kills her, or anybody else, come to that. When Deirdre decides to call her bluff, by suggesting they go home, Blanche says no, they might as well stay, now they are here. (Why ARE mothers like that?? LOL!!) Suddenly, she recognises an old neighbour friend. Deirdre breathes a sigh of relief as Blanche goes over to see her old pal.

Seeing Emily coming into the pub, Deirdre latches on to this familiar, friendly face and invites her over to join her for a drink. Emily explains she just came in to buy a lemonade to take away. Deirdre pleads with her to join her and tells how her mother is getting on her nerves and how glad she will be when Blanche goes home. Emily relents, as Deirdre fills her in on the gory details, how she is forever comparing her with the daughters of her friends and pressuring her to find a nice man.

Blanche rejoins the group - she talks about her friend's daughter. "You'll never believe what she's doing?" "Concert pianist? Astronaut?" replies Deirdre sarcastically. She might as well not have bothered because Blanche is totally oblivious to her quip, having her own agenda to further, "No, VAT inspector - and she's married a dentist." (For overseas readers, VAT or Value Added Tax, is a tax levied on goods and services, similar to a Purchase Tax.) Emily and Deirdre exchange knowing looks at Blanche's predictable line of conversation.

At the bar, Natalie is remarking to Jack how it feels just like an ordinary night. When Jack agrees, Natalie asks whether it might be in order to make a little speech. He agrees and asks "when?" Natalie feels right now is best and within a split second, Jack is asking Vera to ring the bell, which she does. This secures the attention of the Rovers clientele. As Natalie psyches herself up to make an announcement, Jack beats her to it. "I'd just like to say a couple words of thanks to the people who supported us over the last few days." Great cheers from the regulars. Natalie, however, doesn't look pleased and the expression on her face changes from excitement and anticipation to frustration and anger. She tries to tell him that it was SHE who intended to make the speech, not him, but Jack is in generous mood, thanking those who brought them dinner on Christmas Day. He is glad, nay relieved, that their ordeal is now over. Speech ends. Natalie's expression of "I don't believe this" sums up her mood totally.

Greg has made his way into the Battersbys from round the back of the house. He checks that there is no-one in, then goes into the lounge to pack his clothes into his bag. Just as he is about to go out with his bags, he suddenly pauses. He goes to the cupboard, opens the door and takes a tin out. This is the tin for the "Lecky" money, the funds set aside by Janice to pay the electricity bills. He opens the tin and takes some money out of it. Having replaced the tin, he leaves, not before taking a final glance behind him..... ... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1

After the ads, it's part 2
The second part of the programme commences at the Mallets' home - they each have a baby on their knees. Welcome to sleepless nights, fraught tempers and penury!!! They clearly don't see it that way though and are basking in parental bliss. Goo-goo talk all around.

Back at Rita's, Sally is sure she doesn't want to go down to the Casualty department at the hospital, after all, it's New Year's Eve, she points out and they will be waiting for all night just to be seen. Rita wonders how long it will take for the police to come round. "Solid as a rock" is Fred's booming pronouncement on the fact that the door between Alec's flat and Rita's has been secured. Still, says Rita, Pat the builder is coming in the morning to brick up the door properly. Fred announces that the locks have been changed, but being New Year, the locksmith has charged "an arm and a leg, I say, an arm and a leg". But not to worry, he's made out a cheque to cover the bill, she can sort it out with him later. He asks whether he should stay overnight on the sofa, but Rita is grateful enough for his help and says he should go back to the party. It's Fred's turn to feel guilty about the incident, he feels he is to blame for turfing Greg out of the flat, but Rita tries to assuage his guilt - Greg is a psychopath, she says. Fred sighs, pauses, then says "Happy New Year to you both" - subdued "Happy New Year" greetings come back from Sally and Rita. He sees himself out.

After Fred has gone, Sally expresses her annoyance at Rita telling everyone about Greg hitting her - she doesn't want people knowing her business, but Rita points out that keeping quiet means that people will only hear Greg's side of the story. Sally isn't worried, as Greg is in big trouble anyway - if they find him. Rita isn't so confident as to the outcome, as Greg will probably get a swanky solicitor on the case and he'll twist everything around to make it look like it's Sally's fault. Sally knows what an animal he is, but is more concerned that she will look stupid. "No more stupid than a lot of women, including me" replies Rita. When Sally wishes she could turn the clock back, Rita tells her that she cannot, but she can start looking to the future. "A New Year and a new start!" she toasts, raising her glass.

At the Rovers, Lorraine and Natalie are having a quiet drink in the back. Lorraine is concerned as to whether they should be doing this, but Natalie points out they can what they like, it's her pub. Lorraine is worried about whether this is fair on Jack and Vera, but Natalie says they can take a five minute break before it gets busy and, in any case, Jack and Vera haven't done a stroke of work for a week, so it's her turn to take a break. Lorraine wonders whether Natalie is doing the right thing buying the pub - "You wouldn't say that if you knew what I paid for it" replies Natalie. Lorraine fears it being a big change for Natalie, but Nat says that she has had experience of the trade on and off, for years. In any case, on this side of the fence she gets to keep all the profits. "that's if you make any" replies a worried Lorraine. "Oh I will" says Natalie, obviously very determined. Lorraine wonders whether it's such a good idea Natalie getting involved in such a venture so soon after Des' death. She would have thought that Natalie might want to move away from the area, but Natalie replies that she likes it round here, in a way, buying Des' local is a fitting tribute and one the attractions of the place is that it reminds her of him.

It's feeding time at the Mallets' and Bebeh 2 is hungry. Gareh is all at sea, wondering what to do next. My gawd, it brings it all back - the helplessness of it all, the uncharted territory. Before we know it, Bebeh 1 is hungry as well - Gareh wonders how this can be. Judeh puts it down to them telling each other, after all they have a special bond, having been with each other for 9 months before they were born. Gareh suggests that perhaps one tells the other that the parents could do with a couple of hours sleep. Judeh reckons it could be 16 years before they, as parents, get a decent night's sleep. But it's worth it, says Gareh - the grin on Judeh's face tells you that she agrees.

At the Platts', the party is a movin'. Alfeh tells Martin he doesn't have the stamina to keep up with the young 'uns and decides to sit down in the armchair.

Nick is telling Leanne what happened over at Rita's place. He is saying that, although Greg was quite strong, he didn't have any co-ordination, so he must have had quite a lot to drink. "Oh, you are so brave" says Leanne as Gail and Martin come along, taking the mickey out of Nick, milking the situation for what it's worth. "There are a couple of dragons on Viaduct Street that need slaying, if you're up to it" quips Martin. Gail accepts that Nick is brave, sometimes then sensible thing to do is to walk away. "Well, your dad was brave, remember and look what happened to him."

At the Rovers, Jack is telling Kevin that he is having trouble adjusting, "I know how that Terry Waite felt when they freed him." He is crowing over their defeat over Alec Gilroy. He is full of himself, how people won't stand up for themselves these days and allow themselves to be pushed around, no backbone. As he is telling this to Kevin, Natalie tells him to shift some crates of empties. "Yes, boss" he obliges. LOL!!!

Scouse Slagette is getting the drinks in for some of the girls from the factory. A Tequila Surprise, she tells Linda and Allison. "I've had three already. I said a slimline bitter lemon, are you trying to get me drunk?" asks Allison. Linda asks Jackie what her New Year's resolution is, her own is to give up smoking , Allison's to stop biting her nails. Jackie declares it is to find a new man, preferably one with loads of cash. "How about Les Battersby? He keeps giving you the glad eye" suggests Linda. Jackie complains that Les has no money, but Linda reckons that will all change when the compensation money comes through. Jackie moans that he's married and there is no-one half decent that's unattached. Linda points out Kevin at the bar and Allison comments that he looks lonely - Linda says she feels sorry for him. Allison has noticed him taking the girls out in the morning. "Broken marriage. Kids. Steer clear, girl. And anyway, they start pining for their wives, after a while" advises Jackie. Allison comments on how hard Kevin works and Linda suggests that if she feels so sorry for him, why doesn't she talk to him. "I think I will" says Allison, as she promptly gets up and does just that, joining Kevin at the bar. "Must be the Tequila Surprise" comments a surprised Jackie.

As she does so, Les comes over to the group, "Could you do us a favour? Our Janice has gone to the bog a while ago and she's not come back yet. I'm worried about her and she's had a right skinful." Linda volunteers to have a look in the toilet and as she goes, Les sits down next to Jackie and, eyeing her up starts his patter, "So, just the two of us, eh?" Jackie doesn't look impressed.

Alison has said hello to Kevin and is starting to tell him she felt sorry for him standing on his own. Not surprisingly, this isn't going down well with Kevin. She tries to correct matters by saying that she knows about his situation and she sympathises but that merely makes matters worse. She explains she works over the road at the factory and that one of the girls had filled her in on his situation. That upsets Kevin even more, as he thinks that all the girls do at the factory is to gossip. Allison apologises, saying she shouldn't have come over, it's all coming out wrong. Realising he has been hard on her, it's now Kevin's turn to apologise. He shouldn't have snapped at her, "it's a touchy subject, my situation." Allison sympathises, it must be very difficult. Kevin tells her that, although he is due to go to a party, he might give it a miss - it's an 18th and it might be full of kids. He comes to end of his pint and offers to buy her a drink. She declines as she already has one but offers to buy him one. We see one youngster, chuffed to little mint balls, at her in.

Les is continuing to try to woo Jackie. They could make beautiful music together, he is telling her. Her reply is cutting "I'm tone deaf and that's a very old line." He tells her the old ones are the best, but she isn't sure. He accuses her of blowing hot and cold on him when Linda returns to inform him that "Janice has passed out on't bog!" "Well, that's alright then" replies Les, "It's the best place for her, let her sleep it off." When Linda protests that he cannot leave and has to take her home, he tells her that SHE can take Janice home, in any case he's practically an invalid. He's busy...as he turns his attention back to an unimpressed Jackie.

Jack has brought in a bin-liner and dumps it on the bar. He is angry and tells Natalie that he has just found their belongings in the back yard. He calls over Vera. As they open up the bag, he says that had he not spotted his Legion tie, then their belongings would have been taken away as refuse. When Natalie says that surely Alec didn't put them there, Jack asks who else could have done such a thing? The bags must have been there for days, since they went to Blackpool. Vera is horrified, her red basque is ruined, full of mildew. He holds up a pair of his underpants and wonders whether it's a cobweb he can see there - "that were there before" replies Vera!! LOL!! The look on Natalie's face is priceless. "He's done that for spite" says Jack. "Well, just as well I've taken over then" replies Natalie.

Back at the party, Nick is dancing with Leanne. She is concerned if something had happened to Nick, she would never have forgiven herself and vows never to row again. They hug and kiss.

Audreh and Fred are dancing together. Fred comments on Alf asleep in the chair about him being the life and soul of the party. You can't take him anywhere, he'd fall asleep on a clothesline, she tells him. Fred comments that as he gets older, he seems to get more energy, "it must be all that red meat." "The red wine you mean" replies Audrey. Fred confesses to feeling a bit light-headed, "let's put it down to the company."

At that point Martin come up to announce that the New Year has nearly arrived, two minutes to go, so get your drinks, is the cry. The television is switched on, to bring in the New Year.

At the Rovers, Kevin seems to be getting on well with Allison. She knows all about him, he tells her, "what about you?" She lives with her mam and dad, but she is saving up for a place of her own. "I take it you're not married?" asks Kevin. She looks embarrassed but "no" is her answer. "Divorced?" continues Kevin. "When I get married, that'll be for life" she replies. Kevin comments that he thought the same, but it doesn't always work out that way, does it? She replies that, although she doesn't know the ins and outs, she does know one thing, she couldn't walk out on two little girls. Her comment strikes a chord with Kevin.

Natalie rings the bell - no panic - it is coming up to midnight. We have the countdown. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Happy New Year!!! Glasses are raised - hugs and kisses exchanged all round. As Les moves in for a New Year kiss with Jackie, she suddenly see Janice coming out of the toilet, helped along by Linda - the aspiring lovers quickly pull apart.

Kevin wishes Allison a Happy New Year and kisses her on the cheek. She pauses and then kisses him quickly on the lips. Their eyes meet and they move closer for another kiss, this time, it is long and passionate. Yay!!!! What a lovely girl!! Start of a new romance!!

Nick Platt's party is coming to an end and the guests are leaving for home. Fred is still raring for more action, but Audrey tells him that if she has any more red wine, she will not be responsible for her actions. She sees Alf, still asleep in the chair, out for the count, "Come on Rip van Winkle, time for beddy-byes." She nudges Alf, still trying to wake him up, but there is no response. After a few seconds, there is a look of realisation on her face and she calls for Martin, "I can't wake him up...."

Martin puts his hand to Alf's heart... moves his ear to hear Alf's breathing... tries to open Alf's eyes.... With Audrey and Gail looking on, Martin turns round to them "he's dead, Audrey..... "

.....and with that.... it is the cue for music and credits

Episode written by Mark Wadlow

All material is, and remains, copyright property of Granada Television.

Well, how was it for me? Good episode, with a fair amount of action. Pretty well scripted and acted.

Nice light comedy, as ever, from Audreh and Fred, from Jackie Dobbs and Les Battersby, from Toyah, from Jack and Vera. Blanche turning in a polished performance as the crabby old mother. Good solid stuff from Natalie and Rita.

Sensitive and accurate portrayals of new parents from Gareh and Judeh. A welcome new face in the shape of Allison, who looks promising - a real sweet youngster. Well acted drama provided by Sally.

The finale, obviously, provided by the death of Alf Roberts. No doubt there will be those who might have preferred a more spectacular demise. I would not subscribe to that view. Alf was around on the street for many years, solid, dependable, not particularly exciting but a decent honest bloke who didn't make a fuss. Nothing wrong with fading away. The end of era..... having revisited some of his older performances on satellite TV, he was a backbone character for many years. Well done Bryan, you played your part well - long life, health and happiness to you!!!

Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take care...

Tubby greetings and Tinkyluv from the Tinkster in Glorious Glossop....

Regards, Alan


Sunday 3 January

A Happy New Year to one and all. Only 1 year to go to the big one !

Two updates in two days is taking its toll on my digital outputs, and also maximising the risk of getting a ticking-off for doing this during office hours, so I'll keep the intro brief [what, again ?] and get straight down to the nitty gritty.

A small observation tonight - the show is sponsored by Cadbury's Creme Eggs. And it's not even Twelfth Night yet ! Still, the Street is still very much in the New Year season, as we shall see...

Seatbelts and luggage secure, seat-backs in the upright position, no smoking during take-off please.

Act 1
Nick is tidying up the New Years Eve party debris, while Leanne sits quietly on the settee. Both seem a little shell-shocked by Alf's sudden death just a few hours previously, and feel guilty that everyone should have been partying and celebrating as he sat in an arm-chair and passed away, unnoticed. The most consoling thought they have is that at least Alf was not alone, but was surrounded by his friends and family. The front door opens, and Audrey, Gail and Martin enter. Audrey is most visibly upset, and Gail comforts her. She too feels terrible for not having noticed anything amiss, but resolves to go home - after all, she will have to get used to being on her own, and what better time to start than now.

Rita and Sally are opening up at the Kabin, still awaiting the arrival of the police, who will be investigating Greg's attack on Sally. Martin arrives, and they wish him a Happy New Year. Sally thanks him for his help, and says she must come over to see Nick and thank him too. Awkwardly, Martin has to tell them that he has some bad news - Alf had a stroke. "Oh no, not another one", replies Rita. Martin goes on to tell her that the medical staff had been unable to revive Alf, and he had, in fact, died.

More bad news over at the Battersby's, where Janice has discovered her missing leccy money, and is demanding to know if Toyah knows anything about it. She doesn't, so Janice yells up the stairs for Les, who appears a few seconds later, a vision of unkempt hair and tatty vest. She waves the empty tin at him, but he too denies all knowledge. Toyah interrupts, saying it's obvious who's responsible. Who's not here ? Whose bags are missing ? Greg's done a runner, and taken the money with him. She tells Janice and Les that Greg had attacked Sally the night before, and Nick and Martin had had to get involved to chase him away. Les, carrying family loyalty to moronic proportions, immediately dismisses all this as rubbish.

Back at the Kabin, Sally is consoling Rita, who is tearful. She tells Sally she and Alf had been friends for most of their lives, and on more than one occasion, he had asked Rita to marry him. She thinks it's the worst thing about growing older - seeing your friends dying. The police arrive to talk to Sally, and Rita tells her to take them upstairs to the flat, and to tell them *everything*.

It's more cheery over at the Malletts' house, where Jack and Vera arrive to welcome in the New Year and to see the twins, still named Baby 1 and Baby 2. Vera tells them about Alf's demise. Already, the rumours are starting, as Jack goes on to say he'd heard Alf was doing the hokey-cokey at the time.

The police have moved on to talk to Nick, who tells them what happened when he came upon Sally being chased by Greg. They know that Greg has family in the Street, and Nick has to break the news that he is married to Greg's sister. "Half-sister", Leanne points out. That's about all the police need to know at the moment, and they leave. Nick apologises for Leanne for having to involve her family in this, but she is not concerned - she had never known about Greg before recently, and tells Nick her loyalties are with him.

What a contrast to this, as Les expounds further on his conspiracy theories. Toyah's mind has been twisted by that Barlow, that's why she's telling lies about Greg. Janice reasons that the only person in the area who has anything good to say about Greg is Les, and maybe it's him who's mistaken ? There is a knock on the door, and Les opens it and tells the two outside to clear off. When they reveal they are police officers, he sheepishly lets them in.

The Rovers staff, sans Alec, are gathered in the sitting room, where Natalie reassures them that she wants things to continue as they are. Better still, she offers Jack and Vera a few days off to go back to Blackpool and see their grandson properly. They're very grateful, and say they'll feel much better knowing they've a job to come back to. "And a home...", says Vera. "Ah..." says Natalie, that's one thing that *will* be changing. She will be selling Des' house in order to provide the cash for the pub, and will be moving in herself. The Duckworths will have to find somewhere else to stay, after all, she is the licencee, and should be living on the premises. [Trivia point - Vera was always the licencee and I don't think it ever passed on to Alec, so how come Natalie has taken over ? Answers on a postcard please.] Natalie cheerily points out that surely Jack and Vera had been down the same road themselves, so they should understand ? They look somewhat less than understanding as Natalie goes off to open up.

Intermission
And a timely Weight Watchers ad opens the commercial break tonight, playing on the guilt feelings of all those who've had one mince pie and sherry too much over the festive season. Me - I figure those extra pounds will fall off all by themselves. Takes a little time, perhaps. About 11 months or so ;-)

Act 2
Les and Janice are being quizzed by the police about Greg's whereabouts. Janice explains that he had been sleeping on their settee, but appeared to have disappeared, and they have no idea where he'd be by now. Les protests Greg's innocence, saying that he was a highly respected and successful businessman. "Hmm, sleeping on your settee ?", muses the policewoman. Les demands to know who's behind all this trouble, "I know, it's that Sally Webster isn't it ?", he adds. He tells them that she's spreading lies about, because Greg had dumped her, and this is her way of getting revenge. "You know how pathetic these women are !", he remarks to the policeman. Janice and the policewoman give him withering looks. "What have I said now ?", says the expression on his face. [The bounds of credibility will be stretched further tonight, have no fear. It's as plain as day, well to me anyway, that a woman like Janice probably *wouldn't* put up with this sort of boorish nonsense.]

Gary and Judy are still struggling to name the twins. They eventually decide that they should take one each.

The police finally leave the Battersbys. "No doubt they'll be back", observes Les. "Greg won't, though", is Janice's opinion, as they stand in their doorway. She goes back inside, but Les spots Sally crossing the street, and rushes over to "have a word with her". Although sticking his face right in front of hers, and shouting, would be more accurate. Why is she lying about Greg, he demands to know. Sally tells him she doesn't need any of this, and turns to go, but Les grabs her arm and spins her round to face him again. She demands he let go of her, but before it gets even uglier, Kevin appears and breaks them up. He tells Les to pick on someone his own size in future, he can try Kevin any time. Martin also arrives to see what's going on, telling Les that he has to pull Greg off Nick, after Nick had rescued Sally. Les rather unconvincingly tells them he's ready for them any time, and goes home, exaggerating his limp somewhat in the process. Martin returns home, but Kevin invites Sally inside, to tell him what had happened the previous evening.

Audrey has returned home, accompanied by Gail, who is dispensing tea to a stream of visitors. Fred offers condolences, on behalf of himself and the Square Dealers, and tells her that things will look up even though it is a dark hour for her. "He means well", says Gail after he's left. Alma, too, comes round, and tells Audrey how Mike had once told her how proud Alf had been to have such a young wife. [Even though she does look mid-Jurassic...] Audrey is of the opinion that Alf was happy to think that other men fancied her [yes, sorry, we do seem to be inhabiting a parallel universe tonight] but that of course she'd *never* given any of them the slightest encouragement. Trying to put a cheery face on it all is too much for her, and she breaks down. [And to give Sue Nichols her due, she puts on a very good performance in this episode.]

Kevin once again wonders why Sally had ever got involved with Greg in the first place. She tells him that he hadn't exactly had a sign up saying how he got his jollies hitting women, but in a rather perceptive throwaway remark, Kevin notes that it probably wouldn't have made any difference anyway. So, now everyone will hear about it, of course, including the girls once it gets around the school. [Erm, I think they might be a *little* young for that.] He is alarmed to think about what might have happened if Sally had had Rosie and Sophie staying with her the night before, and refuses Sally's request that the girls do come round for a little while. "Not while we don't know where that Greg Kelly is", he says forcefully.

Jack and Vera are worried about their future. Jack thinks they should have a private chat with their local councillor [Audrey] and get their names down for a council flat, but Vera is adamant they should use their nest-egg to buy someplace of their own. Les arrives and orders a drink, and Jack immediately accuses him of buying his (almost stolen) coat. Leave it, warns Les - he's had a pile of aggro that morning and might just thump someone.

A quick return to the Malletts, where William and Rebecca Joyce are unofficially christened. [And talking of which, the UK statistics office revealed that Jack was the most popular name for boys last year, and John has fallen out of the top 100 entirely, having been itself the most popular name when they started keeping records back in the 50s. Now, this won't do. If you're having a baby soon, please do your bit and bring back John. Perfectly good name. Thank you.]

After an awful lot of unremitting gloom tonight, we have a brighter interlude in the Rovers, where Jim, Fred and Ken discuss Alf, with the Duckworths and Betty joining again. It is agreed that it wasn't at all a bad way to go, feet up in an armchair in the middle of a party. Jack reveals that Alf had been a bit of a wild thing himself in his younger days, three times married no less. He'd come by the corner shop by marrying Renee, his second wife, having already proposed to the previous shopowner, Betty's sister. [Now that *is* before my time, I'm afraid.] Apart from this rather unseemly desire to get his hands on the shop [:-)], Alf had been a thoroughly decent bloke. Oh yes. Well, apart from being a bit slow at getting his round in. Hmm, short arms and long pockets, definitely. No, a thoroughly decent bloke. And very strong minded. Even when his ideas were completely stupid. Totally pig-headed in fact. But still a very decent bloke. A well-timed silence, before they all decide maybe they'll have another drink. [And not of course the first time this sort of exchange has been scripted, but it was very well done, and worth having.]

As if we haven't seen enough of the missing link, the one and only Les turns up to see Nick and Leanne, to "warn them" that the police might be round to talk to them. No doubt he wants to tell them what their story should be, but it's too late he discovers as they say they have already told the police the truth. Les' definition of "the truth" is naturally what's best for him, and he gets very angry at the thought that his son has been "grassed up". He goes on to try to take his precious daughter away from this evil influence, but Leanne stands her ground and says she's with Nick, and doesn't regret anything he's said. Les announces that he's finished with the pair of them, in that case, and storms off. [And sadly, in such a fashion, does much of the strife in society proliferate.]

This episode was written by John Stevenson.

Well, everything to do with Alf's death was very well done tonight, but we also had to sit through the complete turn-off of the revolting Les Battersby ripping up whatever shreds of sympathy we had for the man in his ridiculous antics over the unmissed Greg. I for one hope he gets his come-uppance big style real soon. Maybe the hospital inquest will serve to put him firmly in place. We can but hope.

And a final farewell to Alfred Roberts.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): **1/2

I'm off home to shovel pizza down the kids, so we'll skip the spell check today and cart this straight off to the jolly Netscape News window. Drag, and ... drop.

John Laird


Monday 4 January

Hiya folks! :)

Well, it's not the best start to 1999, speaking from a purely update- based perspective (from all other perspectives, though, I certainly can't complain at all!!! :)))) since, two Mondays into the New Year and nary a single row of text has emerged from my fingers. I can only offer my whole-hearted apologies for this shameless display of post-festive slacking off and will now attempt to do the unthinkable and write two updates in one night! *gasp* Further apologies for any shortage of good quality gags and witty (!) observations that may result from this desperate attempt to get back on track in as little time possible... :) (Gawd, I'm getting worse than British Rail...)

The show opens as Audreh (who didn't have such a pleasant New Year as myself) sits at home, staring wide-eyed into space whilst clutching her late husband's favourite tie... Gail and Martin are also present, doing their best to comfort her. Gail is holding two of Alf's black suits and wonders which one they should use to dress the deceased with for the funeral. "You know", begins Audreh, misty-eyed and oblivious to her daughter, "Alfeh loved this tie... I wouldn't have minded... but it were cheap!" (Typical Audrey - brilliant!) but soon she snaps out of this trance and realises that there are things that need doing, in a flash she picking one of the two suits, telling Martin to go and polish Alf's shoes and checking with him that the obituary in the newspaper has been sorted out properly... Just then, who should enter through the door ("I... I hope you don't mind... the door was open") but Sir Royston Of Cropper! He offers his condolences (from both Hayley and himself - aww! :)) to the Weary Widow and then asks to have a swift word with Gail in the next room. They adjourn to the hallway where Sir Royston awkwardly tells his business partner that he has recieved a letter from 'The Bike Shop' and will be going over there shortly to confirm that he is accepting their offer on the Cafe. Gail is nothing short of *LIVID* that Roy has picked such an inopportune moment to talk business and tells him sternly that "SOME PEOPLE have got OTHER THINGS on their mind"! Poor Sir R can do nowt to stop her most evil of glares but apologises profusely for his poor timing before leaving with an unpleasant shadow of guilt hanging above his head.

So we cut to the Kabin where Sally and Rita are conversing about the former's future career in market trading. She is planning to set up a permanent knicker stall and is having some kind of meeting that very morning to finalise things. On top of this, in the afternoon (busy girl!) she has an appointment with her solicitor to "sort out custody once and for all... for the gurrrls' sake" (ut oh - the battle for the gurrrrls begins here!) which is perhaps a wee bit premature since, at the moment, she is sharing a flat with Rita and thus wouldn't really have the space for the kids anyway... At this point, Maxine walks into the shop, humbly, and approaches the Wacky Webster Woman, offering her sympathies regarding Gruesome Greg and apologising for "Being a right cow" to Sally when she tried to warn of Blandford's nastiness. The apology is accpeted and shortly after, Betty Turpin walks in greeting everyone and asking Rita how Audrey is getting on. Rita tells her that she's doing as well as can be expected and, as both her and Betty would know: "You might live with it, but you never get over it..."

Talentless Tilsley (or Nauseous Nick. Take your pick dependant on the extremity of your dislike for him ;)) exits the House of Elliot across the road with his wife, the Lovely Leanne. Ass Of The Year, Les Battersby sees him from across the road and yells stupidly "OI! WOT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT?!" but Nick, under Leanne's advice, ignores these shouts. Janice appears from behind Les and tells him to shut up and "stop standing there with your chest puffed out like a daft kid", although he insists that Nick is a "grass" and deserves all he gets (well, at least he's right about the 2nd part... ;))...

Over at the Cornershop, Fred walks in and exclaims to Ashley "Much as it grieves me to stop you working, give that a rest and come over here a second will you?"... Ashley obliges, dutifully, but is somewhat surprised at what Fred has to say: "It's about time we got back into the butchery trade", begins the Human Foghorn, "Here, try this on for size"... With that, he hands the poor lad a traditional British Butcher's Hat to put on and, needless to say, Ashley is not best pleased! "What would I wanna wear that for?" he laughs, soon wishing he hadn't asked when Fred explains to him that he's opened up a branch of Elliot's Meat Counters within the local Freshco and has picked Ashley to be the Manager of it, whether he likes it or not! Obviously, Prince Peacock debates this, claiming he's quite happy where he is, managing the Cornershop, but he may as well be talking to the wall as his Uninterested Uncle tells him that he starts at the new Meat Counter first thing next week... No buts!

Over the other side of Weatherfield, Alma pulls up outside the Roberts' Household, only to find a devastated, spaced-out Audrey standing in the driveway in her dressing gown, doing some weeding (?)... She eventually snaps out of it and greets Alma with a weak smile. She ruminates on how Alfeh's shovel is still on the driveway and how she had told him a million times to shift it, in the past (tho I'm sure in real life, a helpful thief would have shifted it quite gladly)... Alma tells her that this is just "typical of fellas" (!) and adds that they should go inside before Audrey catches her death out here in nowt but a dressing gown. The Weary Widow muses that "This house was everything to me and Alfeh... But now he's not in it... it's just a house..."

...And with that we cut to the Mallet Household, littered with dirty nappies and general mess, the ghastly fallout of Double Baby Warheads (the most lethal kind, I'm told!) being dropped onto the premises. Jack and Vera Duckworth are there too, sitting on the couch, playing with the kiddies, as Gary walks around picking up said debris in a vain attempt to prepare for the next onslaught of destruction. Judy tells the Duckies that names have at last been picked and they've settled with William and Rebecca, which, it goes without saying, is instantly shortened to "BILLY AND BECKY!" by the inimitable Vee. Judy frowns at the abbreviation, perhaps realising that the behbehs are doomed to suffer this alliterated stigma for all eternity...

Meanwhile, Lady Hayley of Patterson, Sir Royston of Cropper and Googly Eyes of Mad MacDonald (all wearing humourous hard-hats) stand before the new scaffolding on Rosamund Street, surveying it intently. Steve rabbits on about how great the site is ("A prime location"), how quickly it can be ready ("But I'll have to hire more men") and how he can build a cold storage space at the back ("But it'll cost. Everything in catering, I say, everything in catering costs." - Incidentally, Simon Gregson *DID* do a spot-on John Savident impression for that particular line)... Roy is sold hook line and sinker on this but the look on Hayley's face suggests that she is somewhat more skeptical of Steve's credibility...

Across the road, The Duckies get into a taxi, heading off to Blackpool, just as Tyrone and Jackie Dobbs appear from out of nowhere. Jack corners the Boy Tyrone and asks for a favour but unfortunately the kid is ahead of him: "NO WAY!" he splutters, "I'm not feeding them pigeons again!" but when Jack offers him first a fiver, then a tenner, the misshapen youth agrees to undertake the task... "You've got a right little shark there!" harps Vera, referring to the lad's haggling prowess... "I knooooow", coos Jackie Dobbs, "Don't it make you proud?"

Meanwhile inside the pub, Janice, Alison and (Boooo hissss) Linda Sykes sit around a table, having a lunchtime drink. Across the other side of the bar, Kevin is having a pint with Gary Mallett but doesn't seem to interested in the conversation at hand. Instead, it seems, he wishes to make eyes at Alison from across the room, a deed that doesn't go unreturned. The other girls tease poor Alison and urge her to go over and say something to the Manic Mechanic, but she's far too shy to do so. Meanwhile, Gary suggests the same kind of thing to Kevin but he too is far too sheepish to do anything more than flutter his eyelids at her... So we cut across to Fred and Ashley sitting a booth, talking heatedly about this new meat counter. Prince Peacock is unhappy that Fred didn't consult him before planning this sudden job relocation but, of course, the Burly Butcher swears up and down that this is all for Ash's own good and "in the wider scheme of things", it's a massive career progression. Needless to say, the weaker arguement defeats the stronger and when Ashley protests "First you tell me to stand up for myself then you trample all over me, I don't know whether I'm coming or going!", Fred replies "I'll sort that out right now for you... You're going!"... Cue pouts.

As Alison leaves the pub and heads off down the road, she's hotly pursued by Kevin who stops her with a smile. He explains carefully that he "wasn't trying it on" with their New Year's Display Of Affection but, although he was admittedly drunk, that wasn't the only reason he kissed her. He wanted to do it anyway. She tells him this feeling is mutual and a Nation goes "awwwwwww". :) What a sweet couple!

END OF PART ONE

The adverts are naff. They open with a particularly duff one. Some American chap with a voice like nails on a blackboard morphs himself into a hammer to whack himself against the side of a car again and again in order to prove it's integrity... My mind boggles over this absurdity throughout the rest of the commercial break and before I have chance to work out what it's all about, why we're here and what the meaning of life is, we're back to Corrie Street. :)

(Incidentally, for anyone following the adverts intently, Kate Moss is *STILL* "at war with split ends", targetting them with her posh shampoo and shooting them dead... For how many more years are they going to keep repeating this awful advert???)

PART TWO
Ashley and Fred are still in the pub debating the benefits of this move to Frescho and the Beefy Butcher is still winning, as he admits that he's already found a replacement for Ashley to take over at the Cornershop. He once more hands the ridiculous butcher's hat to RAsh, who reluctantly accepts the silly headwear, thus indicating the battle has been fought and lost. Ashley is now officially to be the new manager of Elliot's Meat Counter in Freshco... So we cut across to the other end of the pub, at a table where Sir Royston sits, chatting with Googly Eyes MacDonald. Googers is trying to sell Our Hero a new kitchen with all the fittings and Roy is quite impressed by this. "Do you think there's room for a flat upstairs too?" he asks and Steve responds... "Roy, if you've got the cash we can put in a luxury bathroom, indoor swimming pool, a sauna, the lot!" and Sir R, missing the sarcasm, responds naively "No.. no.. I don't think that will be necessary" as we cut to Alma and Gail, who are sitting in the booth that only a few seconds ago was home to Fred and Ashley (both of whom had full pints!) ... *** CONTINUITY ERROR ! CONTINUITY ERROR ! HIT THE DECK! *** There's a very brief exchange between these two ladies as they discuss the state of Audrey and both wish they could be of some more use to the grieving widow. THEN SUDDENLY, Fred, who is now dressed in full butcher's garb (!!) enters the pub (!!!!), carrying a tray of sandwiches (!!!!!!) and takes them out back, under instruction from Natalie! (COME ON, PRODUCTION! You could at least have inserted a scene *outside* the pub to make this look a little less strange!) ... Fred asks Natalie if he can drop flyers around the pub to advertise his new meat counter and a nearby Les Battersby suggests that "A free pint with every pie" would be a great opening offer! Nat tells the Boorish One to "shut up" just as Leanne steps up to the bar and also gets a mouthful from Les about her husband, Nick, who allegedly "stitched up our Greg"! He then goes off on a tangent, saying that now that Alf's died, Leanne and Nick probably stand to inherit something, being related to him and all... (I'm sorry to say this, but Les makes less and less sense with each episode that passes. He just launches into the most bizarre, nonsenical and illogical tirades of venom about anything and indeed everything with no prompt or reason! He is fastly becoming one of the most tedious characters on the Street!)

Rita and Sally are now sitting at a table nearby (What is this? Musical Chairs?) and Sally isn't happy with how her visit to the Solicitors' Office went. They apparently told her (quite rightly) that without a proper permanent residency she doesn't stand a chance of getting child custody and this has somehow surprised her (!)... Rita, meanwhile, is in another world, still thinking about Alf and how his death has really struck a blow, especially since it followed directly on from Alec walking on out her (and indeed Weatherfield itself!)... As ever, Barbara Knox is convincing as Rita in her evident grief as she laments on how her life has suddenly been turned upside down.

Over at the Cafe, late night now, we are treated to a very sweet scene in which Hayley (clad in the notorious six ft dressing gown!) comes downstairs to find a troubled Roy mulling over some paperwork. She sits down with him at a table and tells him that she's concerned that he might be biting off more than he can chew and warns him to be careful. "I'm worried that you're overdoing it", she says softly, explaining "It's only because I care about you"... Roy extends his hand across the table and puts it over her's... "I know you do Hayley", he says with great sincerity, "I'd never take that forgranted and I appreciate your concern"... He then goes on to ask her if she thinks that the proposed ground for the new Cafe is too close to the Rovers for it's own good. The worried look on her face indicates she doesn't have an answer for this just yet or at least not one she wants to break to Roy.

So we cut over to the Rovers again (now post-closing time) where all has gone deathly quiet. Only Natalie and Betty remain inside and after a brief exchange of small-talk, Nat tells the Mistress Of The HotPot to go home. As Betty disappears around the back, Natalie takes a look out across the body of the pub, smiles and turns off the light. Kudos to Denise Welch for managing to scream out "IT'S ALL MINE! IT'S ALL MINE! HAHAHAHA!" without actually opening her mouth or making a single sound. :)

We wrap things up over at Plattingham Palace: Gail returns from Audrey's house and sinks into the armchair (the same armchair that Alf *died* in, only a few days before, I should add... Yeuch!)... Martin, who is sitting on the couch, is a tad distressed however and when asked what's wrong, he explains it's Mr Millenium's insurance policy. Apparently, Alfeh, being a bit of a cheapskate, took out a cheaper policy than he perhaps should've and it expired at (get this) midnight, December 31st, 1998... *BIG MASSIVE UNAVOIDABLE GROAN*... Thus, it appears, since Alf wasn't pronounced dead until (technically) January 1st 1999, Audrey can't collect a penny off his life insurance. Dooh... *bad bad plotline alert*... Mercifully cue credits!

***

So, aside from the cringeful 'twist in the tale' that was the final scene and aside from the increasingly surreal nonsense spewing forth from the mouth of Battersby, tonight's show was keeping in the vein of the last few weeks and, thus, was rather impressive. Nothing much happening in the way of high (read: Overblown) action, just some nice exchanges of dialogue, a bit of character development and a pleasant peek into the residents of The Nation's favourite Street. Written by Stephen Bennett, with a few nice lines here and there, reminding me I could really get used to this *character-driven* drama rather than the rather dire way things seemed to be heading a month or so ago where beatings, drug dealings, murders and illicit sex were the order of the day.

Nice stuff... And with that late update out of the way, let's move on to next week's.............. :)

The Rattler

This Update was sponsored by Squarepusher (what I was listening to) and Stella Artois (what I was drinking...)


Wednesday 6 January

Well, it's my first update of the New Year, and a good funeral to kick it off with! How did your New Year go? Mine wasn't at all bad and things seem to have got off to a flying start in 1999 with the possibility of Romance in the air - a transatlantic correspondence that's been going on slowly for a few months has blossomed in the last few days into a flurry of romantic emails. My feet are barely touching the ground, though I'm counting on nothing, as there is something crucial I haven't told the young man yet.

And talking of Romance, I did hear on the Quaker grapevine (it exists you know) that a CS researcher has been making enquiries at Friends House and elsewhere about "alternative" marriage procedures and ceremonies of commitment - usually adopted by people who are otherwise prevented from marrying legally. Now, I wonder who this could apply to, thinking of getting spliced in the coming year?

Anyway, back to funerals. They are such gifts to a show, aren't they? Better than weddings, because they allow so much more scope for bitchiness. Not least because we get to see how well or otherwise various people look in black. Most of us, I suppose, like to think we look good in black, but it's not all that many who can really carry it off.

Black doesn't become Gail, for example, who is putting the finishing touches to her outfit as Martin arrives, having presumably collected Sarah and David, here making one of their rare appearances, from school as they are wearing their school uniforms. Gail clearly has something delicate on her mind, as she immediately resorts to the old Webster trick of sending the children upstairs to wash their faces and hands. Though David needs some reassurance, he's worried that he will have to look at Granddad's dead body - but Gail puts him right, it will only be a wooden coffin. But, one wonders, how can they tell the difference?

Gail's concern is evident once the children are out of the way - Audrey hasn't mentioned the insurance, but what will Martin do if she asks him? Gail is keen that Martin shouldn't tell her anything until after the funeral as "there's no telling what she might do".

Janice, Linda and Alison are whiling away their lunchbreak in the Rovers - they aren't going to the funeral, which is a shame because I'm sure Alison would look stunning in black, though her dark clothes give a pretty good suggestion of this. "It's some old bloke called Alf Roberts - he's only Nick's granddad, you know, whose married to our Leanne". Janice should be going to the funeral, but she isn't, "because Nick's dad, e tried to poison our Les while e were in ospital".

Linda doesn't care who's dead so long as it gets Baldwin off her back for an afternoon.

Leanne rushes up to them, in black and looking pretty good. Has Janice got a black scarf she can borrow? Because Nick says none of the one's she's got are right for a funeral. Janice and Leanne leave to look for one.

I'd love to say Natalie looked great in black but she looks washed out too, behind the bar with Lorraine. Lorraine, as ever, is concerned for Natalie's well-being, but she's "not going to curl up into a ball every time somebody mentions the word funeral'". At least this time all she has to worry about is the catering, and right on cue, Betty appears to tell her the food's all ready and just needs bringing through.

Rita enters the bar with a sheepish-looking Sally in tow, and orders drinks for the two of them. Turning to offscreen, right, she asks if whoever it is has seen anything of Audrey. It turns out to be Alma, sitting at the bar with Mike. (Alma is not wearing black for the funeral, though I'm sure she'd look splendid if she did. Mike is in grey and looks like, well, Mike). Sally wonders if Audrey had seen Alf's death coming, as he had been in poor health for some time, so Rita becomes philosophical; she doesn't think anybody ever sees it coming. This is Mike's cue for a characteristically tasteless jibe: "Well, she didn't see much of him, did she, she was in here five nights of the week boozing with Fred Elliot!". Alma, Rita and Sally are thoroughly embarrassed by this outburst. "Well, it's true!" protests Mike. Whereupon Rita turns on the prim schoolma'am: "True or not, ay don't think we need remaynding of it today!"

Les Battersby sits in his accustomed position in the armchair, with newspaper, as Janice comes downstairs clutching a sober grey scarf that will do for Leanne. Les has to be in on the act, so he remarks "So there's going to be food in the Rovers, eh?" Leanne impatiently points out that the food is only for them that's been to t'funeral, provoking a witticism from Les in his usual exquisite good taste: "Oh well, I'll have Alf's then, he won't be wanting it". Les thinks this is very funny, but all it earns him from the two women is withering looks.

Leanne's departure reminds Les that he is suffering from attention deficit again, so he climbs on his hobby-horse. He supposes that "Florence" will be at the funeral, still on his paid leave. "There's justice for you," he asserts, "a feller tries to kill yer, and they pay him for stopping off work". Janice, whom one feels has not entirely believed Les up till now, starts to think he might just be serious, but wonders why, if this is the case, that the police haven't been involved. Les has to think about this for some time, the cogs in his brain are rusty, but his face lights up as he finds an explanation. "Maybe it's because of im they're burying!" he exclaims excitedly, implying a corrupt relationship between Alderperson Roberts and the Chief Constable (presumably they are masons). The trouble for me in this scenario, which I find stretches credulity, is that Janice appears to believe Les. "But that's awful!" she says, horrified. Well, reflects Les, that's justice, the world's full of it. And he reclines once more into smug satisfaction.

Audrey is at home, playing the family matriarch to an assortment of Platts. "We're all going to say goodbye to Granddad aren't we?" she says condescendingly, and they assent without enthusiasm before being dispatched to the kitchen to find a biscuit. More Websterism - there must be delicate matters to be raised and sure enough, Audrey has had a letter from the insurance company, and would Martin have a look at it because she doesn't understand it and surely there's some mistake. Martin goes wearily to have a look at the letter, he's going to have to put up with a lot of this tonight. But Audrey tries to rally herself and the family, she wants them all together because, heart-rendingly, "we were a family weren't we?". She, of course, is trying to convince herself as much as anybody, there's a lot of guilt in her. She's sorry for not giving Gail a father to begin with - but she found one eventually didn't she? "He was a good man - one you could rely on".

In the corner shop, Ashley is confiding his troubles in Maude. "Why doesn't he ask me what I want instead of what he thinks best?". Maude is ready to soothe things. "Because that's the way he is - though he might not be right on the odd occasion".

Right on cue, he' comes blundering in. "RIGHT, ARE WE READY THEN?" Maude, who isn't glamorous but looks terrific in black - and Canadian readers will want to know that she wore her silver maple-leaf brooch to the funeral, and very stylish it looks, has been ready for the last hour. Ashley isn't ready at all, he's tied to the shop for the afternoon (when I were a lass oop North, corner shops closed for funerals!). "WELL COME ON WE DON'T WANT TO KEEP ALF WAITING". Ashley is still thinking about what Fred had said and tells him so in an attempt to be defiant. "NOWT TO THINK ABOUT, YOU START NEXT WEEK". Ashley can only look on, defeated.

Nick and Leanne finally arrive at Audrey's, having been held up in traffic, so the funeral party is full assembled. The coffin has already arrived. "This is the hard bit" says Gail. "I know," says Audrey, "I've got to do it without him". The children - still in their school uniforms (why?), are dispatched with Nick and Leanne so that Audrey can fret some more about her letter. Gail tries to defer discussion until after the funeral but Audrey is adamant, she wants to know there and then. Martin, reluctantly, has to admit that her fears are well-founded - she probably won't get anything. Audrey almost breaks down, but rallies herself in time for the funeral. We find ourselves inside the church, or is it the cathedral, which would be an appropriate place for a civic funeral service if Weatherfield has one. Some kind soul will no doubt be able to tell us where this was filmed, it is certainly a splendid Victorian interior anyway. The focus is on a pew in which Rita and Betty are reminiscing about Alf while Sally sits uncomfortably, eyes fixed ahead of her. Kevin, who looks rather good in his dark suit and black tie (and I'd love to see him in a dinner jacket) approaches Sally. Can she pick up the girls from school so he can finish his work afterwards? Rita, perhaps trying to patch up the Webster marriage, suggests that they can all budge up to let Kevin in, but Kevin declines, and goes off to sit at the back.

As we watch him do so, he passes the civic dignitaries, in chains of office, making their way up the aisle, and then we pan across to the other side of the church, where Blanche and Deirdre sit with Ken and Emily in front of them. The exchange of stage whispers which follows is worth recording verbatim:

Blanche: "Who do they think they are?"

Deirdre (hissing): "It's the mayor and mayoress!"

Blanche: "Well you know my opinion of politicians, all in it for what they can get!"

[Ken and Emily are playing out an elaborate pantomime of pretending not to hear]

Deirdre: "Even Alf?" Blanche: "Especially Alf! When you look how he started, and what he ended up with" [She grabs Ken's shoulder] "You'll agree with me won't you Kenneth, I mean, you're a Socialist"

Ken (irritated, without looking round): "I'm just an old friend of Alf's as far as today is concerned".

Emily (primly): "Which is what I hope we all are!"

At the back, on the other side, sit Maude, a grim-looking Fred, Alma and Mike. Mike is still dressed in unfunereal light grey and feeling decidedly frisky. Perhaps it's the rather striking dark-haired young lady in the pew in front that's making him frisky, we shall never know, or even know who she is, I expect. Leaning across Alma, he instructs Fred to behave himself, "no trying to get off with the widow!", and is rewarded with one of those looks that Fred keeps in his deep freezer for occasions such as this. "I shall ignore that remark!" he retorts. Maude will have none of it. "Well I shalln't! Show some respect can't you? This is a church, not an alehouse!". Perhaps to distract him, Alma asks Mike if he's switched his mobile phone off. Yes, of course he has! He insists, but pulls it out anyway to switch it off.

All rise. Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come! The service continues...

Judy Mallett isn't wearing black, though she is yet another who would look well if she did. Gary is sitting, looking very pleased with life and holding both twins (but WHY, I want to know, have they been given dummies, I hate the things. And anyway, isn't ten days a bit young for dummies?) She's decided she's too late for the funeral, and she's so tired she'd fall asleep half way through. There's too much to do even to go to the cemetery. "Well," she says, "if Alf's watching, he'll know there's two very good reasons why she can't".

And aren't those twins gorgeous!

Outside the church it's raining heavily, the pathetic fallacy is being laid on thick. "SQUARE AS THEY COME WERE ALF", remarks Fred to Audrey. The Mayor and Mayoress approach Audrey with the council's official condolences to Cllr Roberts, and there's an extra surprise for her too. Alf was Mr Millennium, and very proud he was too. Would Audrey like to inherit the title? You bet she would! And as for Fred, why that grin will split his face in too if he's not careful, as he takes Audrey's shoulders in his meaty and proprietorial hands.

Deirdre, Ken and Emily are exchanging reminiscences of Alf as they walk down the path accompanied by Blanche, who has other thoughts which she feels she needs to share. "That's because he wanted your vote - and your money!". "Oh do shut up!" snaps Deirdre, shocking the others. "Well, I'm sorry, but there are limits!". "Huh," says Blanche huffily, "don't worry - you don't want to listen to me, you don't have to. I'll pack the minute I get back." Of she flounces, and Deirdre's sense of relief is palpable. "Ooh she's driving me mad!"

Audrey can't take her mind of the insurance. She's wondering out loud to Martin and Gail how long Alf had been dead before he was noticed. Gail tries once again to put her off till after the funeral is over, but she's still adamant. "Everybody keeps telling me my life must go on - and you know, I'm just beginning to wonder just how". Gail and Martin look at each other, exasperated.

I N T E R M I S S I O N

Christmas being over, there's a dearth of ads so we get a trailer for "Heartbeat", featuring the inimitable Aretha Franklin singing "I say a little prayer". Quite made the ad break for me!

We're in the Rovers for the send-off. In one alcove, Mike, Alma, Audrey and Rita are sitting. Audrey apologises on behalf of the Mayor, who apparently would have joined them but he had another funeral to attend - the councillors and ex-councillors of Weatherfield must be dropping like flies. This other funeral is however, as Mike is quick to point out, to be followed with a meal afterwards at the golf club. Rita points out that the pub is what Alf would have wanted, presumably being a skinflint. Audrey takes her opportunity to preen about being Mrs Millennium, walking straight into a Mike jibe - "Mrs Millennium makes you sound a thousand years old!". This is not what Audrey wants to hear.

At the bar, Martin is wondering if Audrey has forgiven Alf yet for the insurance policy. She seems to have perked up at the cemetery anyway, apparently she was the star there.

Deirdre is sounding off to Ken, Emily and Betty, she's not shedding any tears about her mother going. There is some muttering about how somebody had to shut her up. But Blanche has had other ideas - here she comes now. "Oh no!" says Deirdre. Betty thinks it's politic to leave at this point. What she actually says is "Anyway, I'm going to drop in and see, er, Judy, and have a look at those little babies".

Blanche has gone circumspectly to the bar to order her large vodka and tonic and to ask Natalie if her daughter is looking at her. Well, anyway, she has as much right to be in there as anybody.

Maude and Fred are discussing the Ashley problem. Maude thinks that deep down he wants to go to the new job, but he's just like his uncle Fred, an obstinate so-and-so, and doesn't like being shouted at. Fred booms out, spattering crumbs everywhere from his full mouth "OH I'VE GOT TO TALK NICELY TO IM AVE I? NEVER MIND I'M IS EMPLOYER AND I'M PAYING IM!". But Maude points out that Fred doesn't pay him a lot and at least he might try talking nicely to him, just to see what he says.

Audrey comes over to their table. Fred's mouth is still crammed full as he greets her eagerly. Audrey is fretting again, she asks Fred exactly when Alf died. Fred assumes this is because she's blaming herself for not doing enough to save him.

At the bar, a drunken Les is buttering up Jackie with some homely philosophy. "Funerals! They remind you of how short life is don't they?" Jackie, squirming away from him, reminds him that he used that line at the last funeral and it won't wash any more. Thanks for the drinks, but it's home time. "See yer next funeral!" are her parting words.

Natalie, looks thoughtful, or perhaps depressed. Busy Lorraine is, as ever, concerned for her. But yes, she is thinking about Des, she does that all the time, not just because of today. But what she was really thinking of was redecorating the pub.

Her thoughts are broken by Les, slurring out an order for a large whisky. Disappointed at being dumped by Jackie, he tries it on Natalie, telling her how good she looks. That won't work today either: "Thanks love, that's because you're drunk". Being as she's in a good mood she'll let him have just one more. It's just not Les's day, his face shows it.

Maude and Fred have returned to the corner shop, so that Maude can relieve Ashley for a break. "How was the funeral?" asks Ashley. "They'll all all right, so long as they're not your own" reflects Maude, and you can't argue with that, after all you miss all the fun at your own.

Fred is determined to try being nicer to Ashley. He does this by adopting the stance of a Dickensian beadle, his face shining with fake benevolence and his big silly grin showing his sharp and glistening teeth. "NOW THEN OUR ASHLEY, HOW ARE YOU?". Ashley is on his guard immediately. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asks, defensively. It gets worse. Fred is just showing concern, he's not just Ashley's employer, he's also his uncle, and more importantly, his friend! And is Ashley grateful? Not a bit of it. "Have you been boozing?" he wants to know. So much for talking nicely - Fred looks daggers at Maude, who takes over trying to defuse this rather ugly situation. She tries her best to persuade Ashley that the butchers job is the best thing for him, and it will get him out of the shop. And he needn't worry about leaving her on her own because she's sure Fred will get somebody in to help her.

This last does not please Fred one bit. "OH JUST GIVE ME ORDERS, I'M ONLY T'EMPLOYER!"

"And you can always come back if you want to", says Maude to Ashley.

Fred is even less pleased. "OH CAN E!". But all this gets him is a glare and a sharp "Aye!" from Maude, you turns once more to Ashley and asks him what he thinks. There's a long pause, and then "Yeah, well, all right then!".

"WONDERFUL!" exclaims Fred, triumphantly, "SO START NEXT WEEK!". He turns to leave, but fires a final shot from the door: "AND DON'T THINK YOU'RE GETTING ANY MORE MONEY COS YOU'RE NOT!"

Back in the Rovers, Blanche has decided to reintroduce herself to the circle. She's decided magnanimously to forgive Deirdre. "We know what she's like Ken don't we, says things one day, regrets them the next". Deirdre has had enough. Ken thinks everybody's like that. "Oh, not quite everybody, there is one person who never seems to regret anything". And now it's Deirdre's turn to flounce off. "Who's that?" asks a mystified Blanche.

At the Mallett's, Betty has been making a big fuss of the twins and is now just off. She understands perfectly why Judy has missed the funeral. As she goes, a very tired-looking Judy and Gary, nursing a twin apiece, snuggle up on the sofa. But peace is to be denied them as a commotion heralds the entry of Emily, Ken and Blanche.

It's the end of the shift at Underworld, Linda and Alison emerge into the darkness giggling. Linda spots Kevin closing up the garage. "Hey, it's your boyfriend!" says Linda to Alison. The latter protests but the stars in her eyes give her away. "No but you'd like him to be!" says Linda, suggesting that Alison find a pretext to go over and talk to him. They are thwarted by the emergence of Sally from the Webster house; she goes to Kevin and tells him she's picked up the girls from school as he asked. This throws a damper on things as it now appears to Linda and especially Alison that the Websters are not as split as they thought they were. As they walk off disconsolately into the darkness, Kevin looks after them. Alison turns and their eyes meet. A soft and gentle smile plays across Kevin's lips - love becomes him! Clearly Kevin has relinquished his position as President of the Bitter and Twisted Club of Great Britain (Weatherfield Chapter) - no doubt Ashley is about to step into his shoes. But Sally is now stranded, and serves her right if you ask me.

Janice arrives home from work to find Les slumped in his armchair. She panics. But he's only drunk. Still, it gets her worrying about Martin, and the long term effects of the incident. Les remembers that he seems to be sleeping more in the daytime than he used to - and that can't be anything to do with being drunk, can it! Perhaps, suggests Janice, he ought to go to the doctors. Well, a cup of tea will do for now. On her way to the kitchen, Janice stops to observe that if Les had died, Martin would now be locked up facing a murder charge. "You expect these things to appen abroad, but you don't expect them to happen on your own doorstep."

Audrey is at home with Martin and Gail, still fretting. "Don't let it spoil your memories of him" advises Gail. Audrey reflects; "All my memories of him are of him trying to save money. What's that saying, you can't take it with you? Perhaps I should have gone through his pockets because I bet he tried!". Gail reminds her that it was because Alf was so careful with money that he has the house and the salon.

Janice brings Les his cup of tea. She's been thinking about what he said, about t'police, and Alf. Les is trying to drop this as he feels himself getting out of his depth, but Janice persists, she's going to the police. She doesn't care about compensation, she wants justice. She's halfway out of the door when Les desperately tries to stop her. "You'll land me in jail if you do!" he yells. It's Martin that Janice wants to see in jail. But Les now feels it's time to save his skin and confess - he thought it was best kept to himself - but Martin never gave him them pills, he helped himself.

"YER WHAT?" demands a horrified Janice.

And that's yer lot.

Wonderful! A peach of an episode! Well done Peter Whalley for the super script with so many brilliant one-liners.

And now it's award time. Shall it go to Sue Nicholls, for a very good performance as the widow with something nagging at her mind? Or to Maggie Jones for a super cameo as a waspish Blanche? A tricky one. But let's look at who didn't hit anybody, didn't whinge, wasn't bitchy, was totally believable in role, and looked utterly delightful.

Yes, this week's award goes jointly to Megan Foster and Lewis Ablatt for their portrayals of Rebecca and William Mallett, and may we see many more of them!

Pip pip!

Rosalind


Friday 8 January

Hiya folks!!!! ... Time again for another update....

Back to school for Trude, back to college for Simon. Trude started her new job, with the first two days of the week set aside for inset training. This gave her a chance to get to know her new colleagues. It looks as is they are a pretty good bunch, mainly at the younger end, with a lively sense of humour. This was evidenced by her getting her coffee in a dinosaur mug - purely coincidental with her 51st birthday this coming Saturday!!! Hahahahah!! The class she has taken over - 7 and 8 year olds - had 10 different teachers last term and are in desperate need of continuity and stability, so she will be looking after them both for the remainder of this year and the next academic year again. When she told them that this would be the situation, many couldn't get their heads around this. A joy to see her being able to run her own show again, rather than playing second fiddle in a support role.

Si is back at college and it's GCE "A" level mock exams this coming week. Very much a crunch time for him and, no doubt, the next few weeks are going to be taken up evaluating university/college offers.

This weekend is Trude's birthday - she knows there is a surprise in store, but not what it is. we are actually going for a weekend in London, combining it with an impromptu micro-ping for a good IRC pal of mine, Jubblyjub. Jackie - originally a Londoner, who has lived in Canada and, more recently, in Australia - is coming back to the UK from Queensland, following the death of her nan, so it'll be a real pleasure to meet up with her and some of the crowd on the #coro_street channel and the Guest Book.

On the channel, the last week or so has seen some nice atmosphere in the form of recorded "Happy New Year" messages being passed around. Elaine in Australia had the wonderful idea of putting these together into a group #coro_street wave. A number of us were involved in the process, the whole thing very nicely rounded off by dear Annie, who mixed in the Coronation Street theme. A real nice effort, very much the epitome of what #coro_street is all about - the bonus is at the end with a message from a very special friend. To hear the greeting, point your browser at http://www.prosper.demon.co.uk/corrie/internet/hny99.htm - thanks and love to all involved. Enjoy!!!!

The episode commences at Battersby Battlements. It's breakfast time. The brown sauce is on the table, there's a big fry up on the plate. Bang! Janice slams down on the table a bottle of red top milk, which she has just brought in. She is in a pretty foul mood. It doesn't help when Les complains he could have choked. Not to worry, she replies, she could always have dragged Martin Platt in from across the road, he's a nurse but he doesn't have a job any more, thanks to Les. But Les isn't bothered - according to him, Martin was no good at it anyway, he's done him a favour, maybe he'll now be able to get a job to which he is more suited, like selling double glazing. Janice is furious, he has some nerve - there she was, worried out of her mind, that something might happen to Les, all the time there was nothing wrong with him. Les reminds her that he very nearly died, but she reminds him of the other half of the story - it was his own stupid fault, now he's daft enough to think he can get away with blaming somebody else. When he asks who is going to stop him, her reply is that he is looking at that person. He cannot believe she would do it, but she tells him in no uncertain terms that he needs an injection of reality and that folk like them do not get away with things like this - only because they are not bold enough to take on the system. There is nothing wrong with the system, she tells him, but his mind is focused on the £1/4 million which they stand to get. "Oh no, we won't" she tells him, "because I'm having nowt to do with this." With that, she storms out of he house, slamming the door behind her. Les cannot believe that she is taking this stance but very quickly has to cover up, as Toyah has come down the stairs, enquiring what is going on. "Nothing, petal" he bluffs, but she has seen his mood and probes further. He makes out that he is worried about her mother going out to work, while he is the head of the house. ROTFL - this produces a predictable reaction of disbelief from Toyah, who tells him she KNOWS he is up to something.

Over at the Platts, Audrey is in mourning following the death of her husband. Over the breakfast table, Gail tells her that there is no point dwelling over the timing of Alf's death - it's not going to change anything. In any case, she continues, it's not all bad news. Audrey cannot quite see it that way and asks Gail to remind her of the good bits, after all, it's no fun being left practically penniless. Gail and Martin try to get Audrey to concentrate on the positives, there is the house, the estate, and she is going to be beneficiary. Poor Audrey is not in a good frame of mind and says that, with her luck, the house will probably be double-mortgaged and that somewhere along the line, there is a little maiden aunt who will contest the will.

Nick has come down the stairs and overheard their conversation. When he realises they are talking about his granddad, he goes off all upset. Martin, Gail and Audrey recognise that, it's not just them who are grieving, Nick has lost his granddad. Gail goes to comfort Nick. While all this is going on, Martin has been opening his post - a dismayed groan precedes the announcement "Oh, great!!!!! Platt vs. Battersby - next week." The tribunal hearing is all they need, as is evident from their reactions - sometimes it never stops raining.

At Fred's Emporium, Gary has popped in for some choccie supplies to keep the energy levels going - they are more enjoyable than matchsticks anyway, surely. Enter Fred with Customer Care hat on. "Hallo, hallo, the new father.... And how's little Bill and Ben?" he asks. "Becky" corrects Maud. "And how's the lady wife?" he continues. Getting used to the lack of sleep, replies Gary. "That's the spirit, all hands t'deck, heh?" he continues, face beaming. Maud isn't smiling at all - she is on her own in the shop and could do with some help. Fred informs her that it's all hand.

At that point, Scouse Slagette has entered the shop - she quickly gets whiff of a possible job vacancy and informs him that she's a dab hand at the till. Fred isn't impressed and tells her in no uncertain terms that he wants someone to put money in, not take money out!!!! Yeaouch!!! Gary chuckles and this time, it's Jackie's turn not to be amused.

Steve has come into the shop, just behind Jackie - work is piling up and Steve is very short-handed, so he wonders when Gary was thinking of coming back to work. Gary is non-committal, probably not being able to see further than the nearest matchstick, he'll have to talk to Judy. Steve continues to press for an answer, everyone is on bonus and there's overtime. "Little Bill and Ben won't thank you if you've got no money to give 'em" booms RFred - "it's William and Rebecca" corrects Gary. "Becky is a lovely name" muses Maud - "it's not Becky" insists Gary, "it's Rebecca." Fred reminds Gary that "Rebecca or Becky, Bill or William, it's your role to put bread on t'table." Gary cannot disagree with this train of thought, especially as they get child benefit at a reduced rate. He goes on to explain how they get full benefit for the first child but a reduced amount for the second, it's not as if they don't eat as much or use as many nappies. That's disgusting" opines a shocked Maud. (Mebbe luv, but my mam never got any when I were a lad, in those days the rules meant that no benefit was payable for the first child, it only commenced for subsequent children - mind you, we had it tough. We prayed for a cardboard box in which to live - you tell that to the kids of today and they don't believe you :) ..) As Fred has provided Steve with his close, Slimeball moves in for the kill, "so I can count you in then, mate, can I?" Gary is still not sure, but when Slimeball plays the ace "she'll need the cash", he caves in, much to Steve's delight.

After he has left the shop, Maud points out to Fred that now he has sorted out Steve's problem, how about hers? He tells her not to worry, he has had words with WARTS colleagues and is expecting someone this afternoon, who comes highly recommended. Maud ain't impressed.

At Roy's Rolls, the door opens to reveal something being wheeled in on a trolley. It's a bulky package and it's all wrapped up. Gail doesn't have a clue what it is, but Roy clearly does - he has omitted to tell her but it appears he has had first refusal on a second hand Espresso machine - "and cappuccino, I believe they're very popular." Gail looks at him as if he has landed from another planet. He has got this from a friend of Toyah's father's, he tells her. "You don't mean Charlie West?" asks Gail. Our naïve proprietor admits this is the case, "I do, as it happens - do you know him?" Gail is cynical - so this is the piece of equipment which is going to change their fortunes, she asks? Roy thinks it could be very popular among those who have holidayed abroad, after all they are increasingly converging with Europe these days, "I think we should be more open to our continental neighbours... in my view." (reminds you of the phrase 'and the meek shall inherit the earth... if that's alright with you'). Gail's response is plain and simple, "you master it and show me how it works" - a slightly perplexed Roy responds "it can't be that difficult" (said he, hopefully).

Nick is being consoled by Audrey - when you are young, you assume people will go forever and that's how Nick has viewed Uncle Alf. He's upset and wonders, in view of what he has heard about the insurance policy, whether Alf was a skinflint - no, "it's the silly old insurance company's fault, if anything", replies Audrey, "what's a couple of minutes here and there, anyway?" Quite a lot, if it stops them paying out, comments Martin. Audrey is now looking to probe regarding the timing of Alf's death and asks Nick whether he is sure granddad was still alive after midnight. Nick is riddled with guilt - he is sure of Alf being alive, but not on the timing. No, he was not twitching, he was waving - what if Uncle Alf knew something was wrong and was trying to attract attention, yet all Nick had done was to wave back. He breaks down in tears and Audrey tries, again, to reassure him - Alf would have gone happy knowing that everyone was having a good time. Martin suggests it might be an idea if she had a word with the insurance company, in fact, if she does it this afternoon, he'll come with her. "Right, you're on! I'll show them what a difference a couple of minutes can make.....", she replies in a determined manner. Turning to Nick, she adds " a couple of minutes with me....", laughing, in an attempt to chivvy Nick out of his grief.

Back at the café, the Espresso machine has been installed and Roy is meticulously pouring out a cuppa. Enter Hayley, who is pleased to see it installed, "Hey!! Roy!!! That looks smart!!! Have you got it going?", she asks enthusiastically. "Well, not as such" replies Roy (you mean "No"), admitting he might need some help, apparently there are some teething troubles. Gail comes on as the Company Comedian, "Teething? The thing's so old it's got dentures." Boom-boom!! It appears it has arrived with instructions - but, wait for it - they are in Italian. He picks up the booklet and starts reading the instructions laboriously in Italian, as if he understands the drift. Our Hayley, however, is quick on the uptake - "check the gasket" it means.

Roy continues "Ce la non lavatrice" (pronouncing it "la-va-tress"). Hayley - "Lavatrice?" (pronouncing it "la-va-tri-che"). R - "Si." H - "You said 'lavatrice'?" R - "Si." Gail "Is that important?" H - "I think it might be, yeah. 'Lavatrice' is Italian for washing machine - I think you've got the wrong manual!" ...pause... G, knowingly looking at Roy - "See!!!" Roy silently looks crestfallen, firstly at Gail, then at Hayley. Awwwwww. (Wonderful stuff!!!! ROTFL!!)

At Battersby Battlements, Janice comes in through the door, for lunch. In the background, the radio is playing Helen Shapiro's 1962 hit "Let's Talk About Love" - now that's a change, having significant music from the wrinkly era. The table is set, knives, forks, salt, pepper, sauce, flowers in a vase..... flowers in a vase?? This is serious crawling we are talking about here. The look on Janice's face, tells you she has rumbled what's going on, though. From the back comes Le Patron, Les, serving towel over his arm, to announce "There you are, my love. Sit yourself down. Lunch is served." (Steady Les, subtlety is the name of the game here, surely?) She's having none of it, she tells him that she is not getting involved in his little scam. He pleads that the hearing is on Monday, two more days and they are going to be sitting on a fortune, everything they've always wanted - he begs her to just go with it for two more days, then he'll take her on that romantic weekend to Paris. "No way" is her resolute answer - he's not bright enough, she tells him, he'll be sent down for fraud and she's not coming with him. With that, she storms out, with Les trying to tell her, he has done her favourite meal, scampi and chips. "Keep it, I'm going t'Rovers for me dinner" she replies - on her way out, she meets Toyah coming in.

Toyah has sussed that Janice is no happy bunny and asks what is going on. Seeing Les grabbing the flowers out of the vase and running after Janice, she adds "you ARE up to something."

Out in the street, Janice practically knocks down Jackie who is walking past. Jackie's "Hiya Queen" greeting meets with a curt "Bog Off!!" A second or two later, we see Les rushing out of the house chasing after Janice and calling her name, but Janice is ignoring him.

Jackie sees Alma coming around the corner and is pleased to see her - Alma's face tells a different story. Having ascertained that Alma is going to the Rovers, Slagette says "Good. We need to talk, Alma. There's a problem with Baldy.. " "Curly" corrects Alma. It appears that he's not been paying the mortgage and if they don't make a payment soon, they are going to repossess his house. Alma sighs in frustration....

... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1

After the ads, it's part 2
The second part of the programme commences in the Rovers. Les is telling Janice he knows he should have told her earlier, but he couldn't, the less people that knew about the truth the greater his chances of getting away with it, and anyway, he wanted to spare her the worry. "What do you think I have been doing?" replies an angry Janice. "That's different", says Les, "you were worrying whether I was going to pop me clogs or not. I mean real worrying. like worrying about what you were going to do with more dosh than you've ever dreamed of." And when, exactly was he going to tell her the truth, she asks? "When it was all over, honest!" is his reply.

Jackie is sitting behind Janice - she catches Les' eye and waves to him. He nods in acknowledgement. Unfortunately for him, his gesture is noted by Janice, who is not best pleased. He maintains he was just being polite to Janice. "Think about it", he pleads, "April in Paris." "I'll think about it!" is Janice's angry response, as she gets up, picks up the flowers and storms out of the pub.

Jackie makes the mistake of trying of a friendly "ta ta, now" to Janice , which is returned with a glare. As Janice leaves the pub, Jackie winks at Les, who winks back.

Alma is reading the letter from the Building Society that Jackie has given her. Oh, Curly!" Obviously not a happy position. Alma tells Jackie she still doesn't think that she had any right to open Curly's mail, but Slagette has an excuse for everything. "I never. It was our Tyrone. He thought it was a subscription to the Reader's Digest." (ROTFL!!! Yeah, right, a big boy did it and ran away!!) Slagette has an idea, "you put us in there as tenants and we pay the rent - well, the Social - anyway, we pay the rent, you use it to pay the mortgage, that way the house is protected, the Building Society's happy, everyone's buzzin', what d'ya say, kid?" Alma decides to think about it.

At Roy's Rolls, said proprietor is wresting with one Espresso machine. Gail is in smirk-mode, revelling is his frustration (doncha just wanna smack people round the gob, when they're like that?). He picks up the manual, has a look at it, another look at the machine and applies a technical adjustment, well, actually, he thumps the machine. It responds by making a reverberating noise.

Meanwhile, at Mallett Mansions, proud parents have put t'behbehs to bed - fingers crossed!!! Judeh is telling Gareh that it's so good to have him at home - the thing is, she could get used to it. Gareh is trying to play it canny and goes into a Muppets "Stattler and Waldorf " routine. "No hurry, eh?" he says in his best Canadian accent :). But they need the cash, says RJudeh. Mebbe I should go back to work, replies Gareh. "Yeah, but there's no immediate hurry, is there?" responds Judeh. "No.... how about Monday?" asks Gareh. He explains how he bumped into Steve, who is short-handed. This comes as a shock for Judeh, it's all a bit sudden. Gareh's enquiry as to whether Judeh will be alright is met with a response of "I suppose I'll have to be."

At the Rovers, Roy has come in, a problem weighing on his mind. "Just the man" he says, bumping into Steve. He explains how he's bought this cappuccino machine, but the plumbing might be a bit beyond him, can he help? ("No!!! Don't ask him!!" the nation cries, but we don't yet have Interactive Corrie, so our pleas go unheard.) Slimeball can do that, no problem, he'll just get his tools. He spots the opportunity for a sales pitch and enquires where Roy is up to regarding the new place.... Apparently the demand is great, "they're going like hot cakes", he tells Roy (pretty appropriate for a café - LOL!!!).

At the back, some decorators have been to have a look at the upstairs flat. Natalie is showing them out and tells them she will be in touch. "Throwing good money after bad" offers Betty. "Excuse me, Betty, but who's living here?" is Nat's response as she puts her marker down. Betty's face says "well that told me!"

Back round the front of the bar, Kevin has come in. He sees Alison, sitting on her own. She is obviously delighted to see him. He wasn't expecting to see her here, he tells her, as the girls have gone back to work. Dentist, she explains. He asks whether he can join her. Sure, is her answer. He is delighted to see her too. She mentions she saw him yesterday with Sally, but he explains that there is nothing going on there - they were merely discussing arrangements for the girls. Alison is pleased and relieved to hear this, on both counts, firstly that he and Sally are still able to talk and secondly, that there is no chance of them getting together again. Having cleared the decks, both are obviously pleased that Kevin's past will not be a hindrance to them getting together. Awwwww!! The look on both their faces is pure magic. "We'll go out together one night, a meal or something ... tomorrow?" Fine!!!! Relief all round. "Right then!" says Alison, getting up, "I'd best be off, I don't want to keep the opticians waiting." "I thought you said the dentist?" asks Kevin. "Oh yes" replies Alison, "the dentist", both of them realising her ploy to meet up with Kevin has been rumbled. As she leaves the pub, we see Kevin, looking round at her, grinning from ear to ear, as if he's the cat with the cream. Lovely scene.

Back at Elliott's Emporium, Fred has just come in to introduce their newest recruit. "This is Nita", he announces, "Ashley!! This is the new you!!" Ashley shakes hands with Nita, an attractive Asian girl in her mid twenties. "Ashley is my Executive director in charge of New Enterprises, you won't see much of him because he's busy developing one of our newer branches" continues Fred. Nita is taken by his spiel, as Fred continues to extol the promotion prospects for those prepared to work hard. "Plenty of room for advancement if you don't mind going backwards" quips Maud, introducing herself, "Nita, is that short for something?" "Anita, maybe?" replies our newbie, "Maud, is that short for something?" "Only Maudlin" replies Fred as he gets to the job in hand, starting to show her round. She'll soon get the hang of things, he comments, after all, her references were full of praise, they were excellent. So, all that is left is for her to familiarise herself and she can start in the morning. "Good!! Till the morn!!" booms Fred as he zooms out, leaving a bemused Nita watching on. "Take no notice, Nita" reassures Ashley, as Maud offers her a cup of tea. "So", asks our new recruit, "tell me about the shop profile?" Stunned silence as Ashley tries to get his head around that one - nope, battery totally flat!!! "What kind of people shop here?" continues Nita. "Oh" replies Ashley, still struggling to get brain in gear!!!

At Roy's Rolls, the plumbing department in the shape of Steve has arrived to help with Roy's problem. The only problem is that he looks no wiser than Roy. "What do you think, Gail?" he asks. "I think, you've been had" replies Smug Spice.

Martin and Audrey return from their visit to the insurance company, not happy. "Flexibility is the difference between us and robots" proclaims Audrey in her First Law of Robotics, adding "if we surrender to a book of rules, we might as well just give up our freedom, our future." Apparently, the meeting didn't go well at all. Far from being sympathetic, it appears that some of the staff were having a snigger at Audrey's expense. Gail suggests going home and the three of them troupe out, leaving Roy and Steve trying to sort out the cappuccino machine.

Steve is still looking non the wiser and Roy picks up the manual trying to make sense of it. He twists a knob on the machine, there is a gurgling of water - a beaming smile comes over Roy's face. At that point, enter Hayley. "Roy? You've got it going!!! How did you do that?" she asks. "Oh, you know" says our proud but modest hero, "flexibility... Would you like a cappuccino?" Yes, she does, so he pours her one from the machine into a cup. As he hands her the cup, there is a loud hissing noise, a bang, and a jet of steam sprays upwards into the room. "I'll, erm, put the kettle on" suggests Hayley, as an embarrassed Roy and Steve look on. Back to the drawing board, lads.....

At the Rovers, Sally is having a drink with Rita. Kevin comes in to ask if Sally fancies having the girls tomorrow, she can hang onto them until the evening and put them to bed if she wants. Rita tries to stick her nose in, pointing out that Kevin's behaviour has been very erratic and that he was hardly fair on Christmas Day. Kevin tells Sally he is going to Leeds, so he doesn't know how long he will be. He apologises for Christmas Day - he was out of order. After he has gone, Sally is delighted to have received an apology, that was a bonus she was not expecting - maybe her luck is changing, she tells Rita.

Maud is also in the Rovers, talking to Ashley - she is puzzled by Nita "What a strange young lass", she comments, "stock books?" Ashley thinks Nita was very professional, however, Maud has tumbled that Ashley's interest is more than professional - "you thought she was very fanciable." Ashley's protestations are met with the observation that his eyes were out on stalks. (Too true, blue. ) Ashley's protestations seem feeble but he admits that she was "quite nice". Maud thinks that it's about time he had a decent lass, especially one who could keep "your stock under control." Ashley's face is a picture as he envisages the prospect.

Alma is telling Mike about Jackie Dobbs' proposal to pay rent. Mike ain't happy, smelling a rat. "As far as Jackie Dobbs is concerned, I'd tread carefully, where rent and tenancies are concerned, I'd tread very carefully, put the two of them together, I wouldn't tread at all."

Back at Battersby Battlements, Les is still trying to worm his way around Janice. She has just come back from doing some shopping. He reckons that this is the last time she will need to do this because this time next week, she will be picking that up in a Roller, no she won't, she'll be having it delivered. She's too tired to contemplate the matter right now, as he tells her they are on the edge of their dreams. It would be nice to have it delivered, she agrees, but she wouldn't want to leave work, she likes the girls. She doesn't want to move away either, she likes it here. "You wouldn't have to, we could do anything we want to this house. Just think, new double glazing all the way through, not the cheap stuff - proper cladding, and central heating." Janice starts dreaming of what could be, and wondering whether they could get away with it, as we see a pair of feet coming down the stairs. It is Toyah. Janice asks Les what she has to do. "Nothing, just leave all the talking to me" is Les' reply, "if they ask about my symptoms, or anything, just agree with me." Janice is concerned whether she will be on oath, but Les assures her she won't be, "it's not a court." Janice is relieved, as she could not lie on the Bible. The only thing she mustn't say, concludes Les, is that the whole thing is a scam. Toyah has overheard all of this and is horrified at the plan. The final piece of reassurance Janice seeks is that Martin will not get into any trouble - Les cannot see that, "probably none at all, anyway, they all stick together, these people." Satisfied, Janice agrees, much to Les' delight. He comes over and hugs and kisses her to show his pleasure. As he does so, Toyah comes down. She startles Les. "You nearly gave me a flaming heart attack" he tells her. "Well, you wouldn't want that" replies Toyah in disgust, he'd only end up in hospital and have to think of another scam. "I knew you were up to something but I didn't think you were as evil as this", she continues. To Janice she says "I never would have believed you'd have gone along with it. You two, you make me sick." When Les asks her whether she is going to say anything, her reply is "What do you think?" She then storms out of the house, leaving behind Les and Janice wondering what will happen next.

.....and with that.... it is the cue for music and credits

Episode written by Peter Mills

All material is, and remains, copyright property of Granada Television.

Well, how was it for me? A very enjoyable episode as you would expect from Maestro Mills. Some beautiful bits of dialogue, expertly crafted.

The situation following Alf's death was well handled. Death tends to be accompanied by guilt - either things unsaid or actions which should have been carried out. Audrey portrays the grieving wife well, coping with her own grief, while trying to prop up Nick's mood. Even Nick did well here.

Wonderful light comedy with Roy in the centre stage, beautifully accompanied by Hayley. He never quite gets things right and is obviously naïve trusting the likes of Charlie West and Steve McBurger. Classic dialogue in the "lavatrice - si" sketch. Marvellous pantomime with the machine blowing a hose and spurting steam all over the place.

Les plays the chancer, as ever, looking to get away with blue murder, in this case, getting one over on the system.

Nice dialogue at the Malletts when Gary tries to find the bottle to own up to Judy that he is going back to work on Monday.

Touching scene when Alison lies in wait for Kevin at the pub. The look of excitement on their faces, as they realise this could be the start of a romance, is really something else. Such a nice change to see Kevin smiling, instead of being a whinger. And what a lovely girl is Alison - soooo sweet.

And of course, bombastic Fred - he has his heart in the right place, but misses vital clues, like names of people. What a star, I say, what a star.

So, in summary, although there was not a lot of action, per se, a very enjoyable episode nonetheless with the plot moving along gently. Great fun.

Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take care...

Tubby greetings and Tinkyluv from the Tinkster in Glorious Glossop....

Regards, Alan


Sunday 10 January

I've pulled a double-duty this week. Not only this update to write, but a guest appearance on Mike Plowman's Coronation Street Visual updates page. If you've not visited Mike's site before, and you have Web access, then the address is : http://ds.dial.pipex.com/town/plaza/ec91/ Be very impressed with the Web hit counter ! My sincere thanks to Mike for giving me the chance to have a go at another medium.

Anyway, apart from that little bit of trumpet-blowing, the other effect on this week's update is that I'm all out of wit... [Please, no unkind remarks.] So, if it reads as if the bottom of the barrel is being scraped, then it probably is.

There's nothing very exciting going on in the world at the moment, bar a brief visit to the UK of some very cold weather from further East, so let's get straight on with the business in hand.

[Theme tune...]

Act 1
Alma and Mike arrive at the factory. They've obviously been discussing the business of Curly's house and its rather unwelcome squatting tenants, Jackie Dobbs and her apology for a son. [Ty-rone ! I ask you...] Mike would prefer that they had nothing to do with her, let alone help her our, but Alma is concerned that Curly's building society may repossess his house once the money he has left behind is all gone. At least with Jackie as a proper tenant, she can be given notice when Curly returns, and her rent will help with the finances. Mike tells Alma to get all the details nailed down in black and white.

Heading in the opposite direction are Kevin and the girls. As he gets them settled into the car, en route for the swimming pool, Martin says hello. He has much on his mind, with the hearing at the hospital scheduled for the following Monday. In need of someone to talk to, he asks Kevin if he'd like to meet up in the Rovers that evening for a pint and a chin-wag. Kevin declines, and Rosie pipes up from the back seat that her Daddy's going out and they're staying with Mummy that night. "Nothing special..." is Kevin's response to Martin's inevitable enquiry.

A [far too early] visit to the Battersbys, where Les rushes down the stairs to catch Toyah before she goes off to work. Worried about how much of the truth she knows about his overdose, he would rather she didn't leave the house. [I'd rather you hadn't, Les - couldn't you just stay upstairs and "play your tapes" and be just spoken about, and not seen ?] Toyah isn't having any of it. Janice tries to put a more positive spin on the situation. "What's done is done", she reasons. This could be their big chance as a family to really come out on top for a change. "And what about Martin ?", asks Toyah, "he could lose his job !". Janice can't really answer this one. Toyah leaves, and Les grabs his coat and heads off to the cafe too, saying he's going to have to keep an eye on her.

In the cafe, Roy is still trying to breathe life into the coffee machine. Each new cup still seems to taste and look like mud. Alison arrives, and has a bit of a chat with Hayley. She tells her she has a date with Kevin. Hayley asks if they'll be at the Rovers then, and can come and join her and Roy, but Alison explains excitedly that they're off to a posh restaurant. [Cue the new outfit, no doubt.] Toyah enters, closely followed by Les, looking [it has to be said] rather dapper in Jack's coat and scarf. Gail asks him where he thinks he's going, as far as she's concerned, he's banned. He says he'll just sit down and bide his time.

Fred and Ashley survey the new fresh-meat counter in Freshco's. "It's the latest instalment in the Elliott empire", announces Fred. He's heard that the chain plan to open new stores all over Britain, and he thinks he might be in with the chance of having a counter in all of them. Alma sees them both, and comes over to wish them well. As she does so, we see she is standing in front of a large display stand. It's corned beef, on special that week. Fred is flabbergasted [that's a good Fred word, don't you think ?] - "are you trying to bankrupt us on t'first day ?", he demands.

Over at the hub of the Street, Natalie has the decorators in. Lorraine looks at the proposed wallpaper [er, we're in the back room here, not behind the bar] and pronounces it "very you". Looking around, she wonders if the workmen might find cave paintings underneath the existing paper...

Les, who has been reading his paper whilst keeping "an eye" on Toyah, decides it's time to leave. He tells Toyah he's off to deal with "something that's just cropped up", and that she should keep her gob shut in the meantime. On the way out, he barges past Audrey, who is on her way in to show Gail the estimate she has received from the stonemasons for Alf's headstone. Judging by her reaction to the quote, Alf will be getting the more traditional two sticks and a bit of twine... "They must have thought I wanted a pyramid building", she opines. In the background, Roy cries "Eureka !". [After rereading everything, I see this went nowhere. So presumably the coffee machine is functional. That's all.]

Les has returned home and is rooting about in a box of videos. Janice tells him if he's looking for the mucky ones that Charlie West gave him, they've been bagged up to go to the Church sale ! [She's priceless, isn't she ?!] Les triumphantly holds up his "Viva Las Vegas" video. Inspired by an article on an Elvis convention in Las Vegas, he's decided that's where they're going with his compensation money. Janice is not moved by this - she was promised a romantic holiday in Paris, and a romantic holiday in Paris it is. But Les is on a flight of fancy, reminiscing about how folks thought he was the reincarnation of Elvis when he worked at the fairground. They're off to Vegas, and Janice can be his Priscilla ! She wonders if this will simply mean that he'll stuff himself to death eating cheeseburgers... "If you don't wanna go, there's plenty who will !", is his last word.

Back at Freshco's, the Elliott management have confounded Alma by posting Ashley in front of the corned-beef stand, where he is doing a sterling job steering prospective buyers over to Fred's counter. Alma is very annoyed, and tells them to stay on their own territory in future. Fred, in any case, would never advise anyone to eat tinned beef - "don't know what's in it" - especially from "them Argies !".

They've opened up at the Rovers, and Jackie is already in for a drink. [It might be good for the plot, but it sometimes rather beggars belief that the characters most often seen propping up the bar, and often sliding down it, are those with the least income, money problems, etc...] She hands Natalie some coins, and tells her to get a drink with the change. From the look on Natalie's face as she inspects the offering, it must have amounted to half an orange juice. Les arrives and asks Jackie if she's ever thought of going to Vegas. "It's only my dream holiday !", she replies. Oh, there's no stopping him now as he promises to take her when his compo money comes through. A very very brief concern for Janice is raised in the headlong rush to agree on a trip to Nevada. "We're on !!" [I suppose we can but hope that a stray US Army missile might land on them while they're out there...]

Intermission
No better than ever.

Act 2
Jackie has relocated to the cafe to meet Alma, who tells her that it *will* be alright for her to be a tenant in Curly's house. But there'll be a rent book and everything, and the rent will be due a week before the mortgage has to be paid, each month. Jackie raises an objection to paying rent while she's on holiday, though. Alma is speechless when she goes on to say that she's off to Las Vegas !

Maud serves Martin in the corner shop - he's still down at the thought of going into the ring with Les, as he puts it. Nita raises his spirits a bit with some very mild flirting, complimenting on his choice of biscuits and hoping he'll be back soon. [Us men, we're easily pleased !] Maud passes comment on this after Martin leaves, in a "well done" sort of way. Nita, obviously wary of the power-wielding elderly lady in the wheelchair, rebuffs her by pointing out that *she* is the manager, and Maud is the assistant.

Alma is walking the floor of Freshco's again. When she reaches the meat counter, she is agog. [I'm running out of words here, and there's no thesaurus on this computer...] Fred and Ashley are safely ensconsed behind their own stall, but they have decorated it with dozens of Union Jack flags [no picky remarks about "Jack" meaning "flag", please] and "Land of Hope and Glory" is playing on a cassette recorder. They are *surrounded* by eager customers. And a rather cheesed-off Alma.

Back at the Battersbys' house, Janice and Les continue to bicker about their holiday destination. She thinks Las Vegas will be full of crooks, and he says that if she wants to go to Paris, then that's fine with him. [He doesn't quite say that he won't be going with her, but I think it's taken as read.] Toyah arrives home, and Les immediately sets about checking that she has done as she was told and kept her mouth shut. She's been to see Leanne, which worries him even more with Leanne being married to one of them Platts, but no, she hasn't said anything to get him into trouble. He promises to "see her right", but she categorically refuses to have anything to do with his "blood money" at all.

Ashley pops into the corner shop on his way home from Freshco's. It's obvious he's more interested in Nita than anything else, and he asks her over to the Rovers later, where he can "give her a few pointers". She accepts the invitation.

Love in the air elsewhere, where Alison arrives to find a rarely seen, cleaned up version of Kevin Webster, in jacket and tie. A bit of inconsequential chit-chat ensues, and he apologised for being a bit rusty at the dating game. This is obvious as he has not managed to offer her a drink within 3 seconds of her arrival. [That's 1st base put back another 10 yards, then.]

Fred and Ashley toast their successful first day at Freshco's. Ashley mentions that Nita is coming over later, and Fred sees clean through the "talking business" cover and warns him not to dally on his own doorstep. She's an Elliott employee, and there might be complications. He's best sticking to the checkout girls. [Although I think we've been here before with Curly.] Nita arrives at this point, and Ashley gets up to get her an orange juice. Maud intercepts him and gets her bitter lemon order in, keen not to be left out.

Alison compliments Kevin on his choice of venue for their date. "Mmm", he muses, "it probably costs a bomb !" [Clangg !!] Hastily backtracking, he apologises again, and refuses her offer to go Dutch. He asked her out, so he'll pay. She changes the subject, and tells him how she thinks it's wonderful how he's coping so well with the children, on his own. "I wish I didn't have to", is his reply. He tells her that it was Sally that made a mistake, and this led to their break-up, although he admits he was no saint himself.

Audrey drops into the Rovers, and collects the bill for Alf's send-off, from Natalie. She wonders whether it was the most suitable choice of venue, with Alfeh having been the mayor and all. Natalie manages not to look too offended as she observes that Alf was "a man of the people". On that score, will the council be putting up a plaque in his memory. Audrey [I expect she's making this up] says that this was so, but that she had declined, saying he would have appreciated a simple headstone. [Sorry, this doesn't all hang together does it ? They seem to have been at cross purposes. Or I missed something !]

Jackie is having a celebratory drink, watched by Natalie and Mike and Alma. Alma tells them that Jackie is a proper tenant now, and Natalie looks forward to her custom. Mike just looks sour-faced. The subject of the supposed holiday in Las Vegas comes up, and Natalie confirms that she's heard that Jackie has found some "sugar daddy" who is paying for it all.

Kevin's car pulls to a stop. At first glance, it looks like Coronation St, but it turns out to be where Alison stays. With her parents. [Hey Kevin, I expect you'll need binoculars to see first base now !] However, they're away at the moment ! [Oh wow, these bins make things seem much closer don't they...] You don't need me to tell you what happens next, but mid-kiss, Kevin is caught looking at his watch. "Am I boring you ?!", says Alison. Somewhat unconvincingly, he protests that he was only thinking of Rosie and Sophie, who he has to collect from Sally's house. Alison is beyond apologies, and storms off home, leaving Kevin in his car, deflated.

This episode was written by Phil Ford.

It seems as if the new hand at the helm is really making a difference to the show. We've had a lot more really solid stuff, rather than a mix of fluff and cliffhangers.

Stars of tonight's show were undoubtedly Fred Elliott and Ashley Peacock completely in their element behind (and occasionally in front of) their franchised meat counter. Ashley in particular has the most wonderful range of facial expressions - he only needs to say half as much as some folks to get his message across. Let's hope he's not drawn away with a hopeless promise of instant success as a pop star or something. Corrie suits him perfectly and I think he's got the staying power to make a real go of it.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***1/2

Toodle pip - John


Monday 11 January

Hiya, me again! :)

If you read the last week's Monday update then you'll realise that I'm doing this one straight afterwards in order to catch up on scheduling... Soooo, no prologue, let's leap right into the fun:

This week's show opens in Plattingham Palace, where Gail (who is sporting a very lovely fluffy green sweater) sends the kids off to school and wishes Martin good luck with his impending tribunal which, as it happens, is today. "This time tomorrow, you'll be back at work", she smiles, "I can feel it in me bones". Martin idly picks some of the fluff off of her sweater (aww :)) and asks her what they're going to do if things *don't* go his way and the Bastardly Battersby wins the case! Gail tells him sweetly that "We'll manage... I'll still love you through thick and thin" and they share a big hug. It's often understated what an adorable couple Martin and Gail can be, but this scene proves outright once again that they really are. :) Awww... :)

Soooo, we cut over to a not-so-adorable couple who are, coincidentally, preparing for that very same event. Yup, it's morning in The Battersby Battlements (thanks Alan - great new nickname!) and a jaded Janice is ironing her hideous husband's shirt. He is harping on, as weirdly as ever, that he's "entitled to that money" and, even if it is technically his fault that he was "at death's door", his "life will never be the same again", thus by his own ridiculous 'logic', the hospital owes him, big time. Janice moans that "if last night is anything to go by", then *her* life will never be the same again either since it seems that Les is having 'problems' in the bedroom. He claims that "last night" was because he "had a headache" and was stressed about the court case but she yells that it's been three weeks since they last shared the pleasures (if you could call it "pleasure" with Les?) of the flesh and that it's "putting the marriage at risk". Les, of course, plays on this and enthuses that she should come down to the hospital with him to tell the Medical Board that he isn't "delivering the goods", since this will probably up the quota on his compensation!! She, of course, is having none of it and, as he leaves hurriedly for the hospital he hilariously yells back to her:

Les: "It's called Libido!" Janice: "What is?" Les: "WHAT I 'AVEN'T GOT!!!"

...And we go over to the House Of Elliot where an irate Fred walks in to find Ashley still eating breakfast. "I was expecting you to be hard at work by now!" he bellows and continues to rant and rave as he notices that Prince Peacock's breakfast consists of (Blasphemy!) mushrooms and more mushrooms! No meat! "YOU'LL NOT GET THE SAP TO RISE EATING THEM THINGS!" hollers the Human Foghorn, "When you get to work, you get a Scotch Egg inside you! And make sure you pay for it!" (LOL!) - Ashley tells him that he's on his way, although he just wants to pop to the Cornershop "to see how Maud's getting on". Fred sees through this excuse instantly and realises that it's just a ploy to say a 'friendly' hello to Nita, exclaiming "If you want to flirt, you'll flirt with the customers! And make sure they pay for the privelege!" (LOL! - *ANOTHER* cracker of a line! Does this man ever stop??)... His crestfallen nephew agrees, reluctantly, to go straight to work without passing "GO".

Over the road, Tyrone is having a look inside the open bonnet of a car that Kevin is working on. The Manic Mechanic tells him "not to touch anything dangerous" (something that obviously contrasts completely to what Mike Plowman's advice to the boy would presumably be!) just as Alison, Janice, Hayley and (BOOO HISSS) Loathsome Linda walk out of the nearby factory. Kevin leaps to attention and dashes straight over to Alison, pleading to talk with her "about last night" and his major mistake. She agrees to discuss the matter but, since Janice and (BOOO HISSS) Loathsome Linda are throwing jibes at them, thinks it'd be better to go over to the pub and do it there instead. Poor Hayley just stands looking deeply embarrassed and, ever the perfect picture of compassion, tells the two hecklers to leave the poor potential lovebirds alone. The Manic Mechanic agrees to meet Alison inside later and, as he goes back to his car, Tyrone remarks (with utterly brilliant comic timing courtesy of Alan Halsall) "Women, eh? Nothing but trouble!"

The girls get inside the pub and (BOOO HISSS) Loathsome Linda (who is rolling a home-made cigarette throughout this scene - *how* uncouth! ;P) asks Janice how Les is getting on. The Warrior Princess explains that he's expecting to get a huge sum of money today from the hospital, tens and hundreds of thouands she reckons, so they're planning a swanky holiday for two. Natalie comes over to serve the factory gals and mistakenly asks Janice "Where's your mate Jackie?", adding obliviously "She's packing, I expect" before informing the Warrior Princess that Ms Dobbs has been telling everyone she's off on a mysteriously paid-for holiday to... (ut oh) Las Vegas! The penny drops and everything comes together as Janice realises she's being taken for a right royal ride by her right royal runt of a husband....

We now head to the Cafe, where Sir Royston and Lady Hayley (who is *still* wearing the scarf she got for Christmas - AWWW!! :)))) are having a discussion at the counter. He is *still* worried about whether or not he's making the right move regarding the Cafe plans and his tragic lack of self-confidence rears it's ugly head once more, as indecision takes over. "The trouble is, I'm a conservative at heart... with a small 'c' I hasten to add! And I don't like change..." he begins, before attesting that Hayley is much more decisive than him, obviously desperately clawing for advice from his beloved! She plays the reverse psychology game and asks if he wants to just call the whole Cafe idea off, but he insists he's "got his mind set on it now"... "Then do it!" she exclaims, as Roy, ever the gent asks "But what is it *YOU* want?"... Hayley tells him that she wants whatever he wants and that she wants to see him happy and fulfilled... There's a tense pause before he says gently "You know, I couldn't do this without you" and she assures that he won't have to... Then just as the lump rises in the throat, it's burst by the pin of laughter as Hayley chirps "Oh yes, and I'll have a jumbo sausage and chips, please!" before heading to her table. (What a superb scene! Words completely fail me.)

Ut oh... There's trouble'a'brewin' back on the Street, though. Janice hammers on Jackie's door and accuses her of playing a "grubby little game" before screaming that she knows all about Les' plans to take Rent- A-Scouse to Las Vegas and that she's not having any of it! "Look, kid, if you don't know what your own husband is up to, that's your problem, not mine!" taunts Jackie before quickly slamming the door in the face of Plowman's Princess. Ouch! Naturally, Janice hammers and bangs on the door, screaming and shouting at the top of her voice, enraged to the full... (Something within me tells me this isn't the first time she's done something like this, too... ;)))

END OF PART ONE

So into the fray formerly known as the ad break we charge once again... And it's as poor as ever. It's only January but already Pre-Millenium Mania has set in, since the Royal Mail have devised a set of commemorative stamps to celebrate the end of the century and insist on promoting them through the telly. I state here and now that I POSITIVELY DREAD the state of the media by the time, say, September rolls round... Will we be able to look anywhere without seeing those numbers 2-0-0-0? *cringe*

PART TWO
A lovely chat ensues in The House Of Elliot between Janice and Leanne as the former explains to the latter about Les' plans to take Jackie to Las Vegas. "I just don't believe it", gasps a tearful Janice, "Especially after what I've put up with these last few weeks... You don't know the half of it... You know, I'm so tired of his never-ending lies... He says he loves me... When it's convienient..." before asking if Leanne thinks that his involvement with the Dobbster could be "more than a holiday". Paranoia sets in as Janice worries, in tears, that Les' plan all along could be to flee the country with Jackie and leave his family behind. "Can you put your hand on your heart and say he's not capable of that?" she asks her stepdaughter... "No you can't because it all fits in... He's leaving me..."

Meanwhile, in a posh office, a group of Hospital officials sit around a table opposite Nurse Martin Platt, deciding his professional fate before his very eyes. They explain that, since there are no witnesses invovled, his isn't a very straightforward case but, to summarise, they have no proof that Martin administered an overdose, thus can't prosecute him for this. However, he *has* admitted to leaving the drugs trolley unlocked, which means that although he *can* go back to work, it is only on the condition that he attends a re-training programme in the meantime. Unfortunately, since they also have no proof that Martin *didn't* administer an overdose, they are obliged to pay out a sum of money to Les Battersby... Platty's Pride (now *there's* a name for a beer, if ever there was one!) gets in the way at this point and he furiously exclaims that "It'll be on my record now whether it can be proved and Les Battersby'll think he's won! And there's obviously some doubt, or else you wouldn't be paying out money to him" before adding that "If you can't trust me, you can stuff your job! I'm resigning!" - Yikes!

It's slightly calmer over at the Cornershop so we cut over there where Maud and Nita are discussing Fred's Little Empire of shops. Nita wants to know as much as possible about Fred and when Maud tells her that "Technically, I am his mother-in-law", Nita says rather cheekily "Ah, so *that's* why you work here, eh?"... Just then, Tyrone enters and it looks like he's got his mind set on some shoplifting. He walks around, picking things up off the shelf, asking Maud how much they all cost and then mysteriously putting them down again just out of sight (ie: Into his pocket, methinks!)... However, Nita, who is now standing at the back of the store, watching, is smarter than this and challenges him over a tube of toothpaste: "Do you want to buy it?" she asks and he just mumbles "Not really", which auto-engages her Irate-Shopkeeper-Mode (TM)... "Well, then, you can turn around and walk out of the store and don't come back until you've learnt some manners! And when ya do, you can come back, apologise to Mrs Grimes and then you can buy the whole shop if you want to!" - This is obviously not quite what Tyrone was expecting, thus he merely yelps "You're mad, you are!" and exits the store, sharpish-like.

Outside the Hospital, Martin comes *storming* out, just as (coincidentally) Les is merrily walking in with Rumpole, his solicitor. "YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO ANSWER FOR, YOU 'AVE!" screams Platty, passionately "I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME! NEVER!"... The Bastardly Battersby just laughs, boorishly... What an ass!!!

*phew* Things thankfully cool back down again as we cut to The Mallett House where Gary is coming home for lunch. He kisses his wife and greets his bouncing babies, wondering if Judy's cooked anything for him, as she promised she would. Unfortunately, while contending to the Double- Barrelled Insomnia Machine otherwise known as Billy-And-Becky, lunch has completely slipped her mind. "What're we going to do with her?" Gareh gurgles giddily to Billy, "What *are* we going to with her? Shall we throw her in the canal? Shall we? Shall we?" and he is delighted when the little tyke starts smiling. Unfortunately, he didn't realise that this 'smiling' is a sign that Behbeh Billy has filled his nappy. "I tell you what!" he pipes up, changing his tone from baby-speak to pretty serious, "I'll nip down to the chippie for our lunch and you change him, how does that sound?"... "Predictable" is Judeh's tired answer, as she rolls her eyes and smiles wearily...

Back at the Hospital Office, the board of officials declare to Les that they've decided to pay him a sum of money, offering the same explanations that they gave to Martin. He interrupts them before they can specify the amount however, since he wants to have a quick word with Rumpole (or whatever his name is)... He says, in whispers, to the Sizeable Solicitor that, since he hasn't yet told them the "full after-effects" of the overdose they can't have come up with a fair sum (!!!???), thus insists, despite continuous protests from Rumpole, on standing up at the end of the table and proclaiming, in true Captain Kirk fashion: (This one line takes about 30 seconds for him to spit out, with gusto) "Ever since the shattering experience... of my attempted murder... my life has changed totally... You see before you... the shell of the man that was... A man that is not a man... A man... WITHOUT A LIBIDO!!!" (ROFLMAO - Brilliantly delivered by Bruce Jones (I kid ye not!) and brilliantly scripted, too... improved endlessly by the blank, bemused looks on the Doctors' faces!!!)

Cut to the Rovers, where Kevin sits down in a booth with Alison. He tells her how much he really enjoyed their date and how he is genuinely sorry for spoiling it at the end... Meanwhile, across the room, Fred accosts Maud and wonders why she is taking her lunch break in the Rovers when she could be just having some sandwiches behind the counter (!). Maud explains that she needed a change of scenery and of company, telling him that although Nita is more than capable of doing the job, she doesn't like her attitude one bit (ut oh - I spy rivalry!), claiming that the new employee is "too intrusive"... Fred's sympathy extends to saying "I'd offer you a drink... But you've gotta get back to work!" and with a flash of Mr Elliot's beagle-teeth, we cut back over to Kevin and Alison. He tells her that the reason he was looking at his watch mid-kiss was that, no matter what else he has in his life, the girls take precedence and come first over all. She, in return, says she respects him for this but wants to put things on hold until he has sorted out his family problems. Kevin has no desire to leave this affair on the back-burner and begs her to give it one more try... "This time I'll put the babysitter on overtime", he smiles and I, for one, breathe a massive sigh of relief as Alison smiles back and agrees! Yes! :))

Over at the Cafe, Martin storms in and poutily sits down. Gail rushes over to him and holds his hand across the table, asking how it went. He explains, miserably, the turn of events and how the Hospital are paying Les compensation because they have no evidence either way. His pride can't handle the fact that, in a way, this means they're accepting Les' side of the story, thus, he quit his job. He is furious but, upon calming down a little, asks a shell-shocked Gail "You do understand why I'm doing this don't you?"... She blinks and says gently (tho perhaps not 100% sincerely) "Yes.. It's a matter of principle, right?"... He nods and stares into space, utterly destroyed by the Tribunal's outcome.

Now they really did save the best 'til last here... Back in the Hospital Office, Les is *STILL* continuing his epic speech: "Then there's the flatulence... It's making a right misery of my social life, I don't know WHICH way to turn!!!" he exclaims, but the Director Of The Board cuts him off and asks if Les *honestly* expects them to UP the compensation sum based on these outrageous claims. The Boorish Battersby doesn't realise he's digging his own grave and continues, regardless, to tell them that it's ruining his marriage. Just then there's a knock on the door and who is it? It's Janice, full of smiles and confidence. Les, of course, is overjoyed to see his wife and asks enthusiastically that she tell the Board about his 'lack of libido'. Ah but of course the smile is on Janice's face for a far better reason...

Director: "Is there something you wanted to say, Mrs Battersby?" Janice: (HUGE Grin) "Please!" Les: (Butting in...) "SHE'LL tell you about my libido won't you, Janice?" Janice: (STILL Grinning) "That's right! I know exactly the cause of it... It's ever since he had that overdose!" Les: (Butting in AGAIN...) "HA! YOU SEE! That's what I've been trying to tell them!" Janice: "You see... It's his conscience, that's what's done it. His *GUILTY* conscience." Les: (Not so pleased, all of a sudden) "Oi, Janice. Wot're you saying?" Janice: "You see, I only just really found out what happened. It were nowt to do with Martin Platt. It was all 'im, he took them tablets 'imself!" Les: (Furious!) "No I didn't!" Janice: (Still grinning, overflowing with abundant confidence) "YES YOU DID! YOU DIDN'T CARE IF MARTIN GOT THE SACK! Just so long as you got a big juicy pay-out from the hospital!" Les: (Gasps!) "What're you tellin' 'em that for?!?!" Janice: "Because it's the truth! Something *YOU* wouldn't understand!" Director: (Calmly closing the book, and closing the lid on Les' compensation!) "Right, I think we should adjourn this meeting..." Rumpole: "You can kiss goodbye to that cheque..." Les: (Going insane with rage...) "JANICE! WOT'D YOU TELL 'EM THAT FOR YOU STUPID COW!??! WHY JANICE WHY!?!?!"

Janice just smiles, flashes her suddenly brightened blue eyes at him and leaves the room, calmly closing the door behind him! YES! WHAT A SCENE! WHAT A SMILE! *FINALLY* Janice stands up for herself to that b*stard of a husband and gets the better of him before he has the chance to shaft her for Jackie Dobbs! Excellent, excellent closer to the show! Cue credits, take a deep breath, stop bouncing up and down on the sofa, pour yourself a drink and........ relax. :)

So how was it for me? A great episode all round. Kudos to all the members of the cast, for a change, not a bad performance in sight. Special mention goes to Sean Wilson, Helen Worth, Julie Hesmondhalgh, David Neilson, Naomi Radcliffe (a great newcomer!), John Savident and Ian Mercer for exceptional, well above-average performances *BUT* the honours go to Vicky Entwistle this week for an absolute STORMING TOUR-DE-FORCE of an acting job! Utterly superb!!! That *look* on her face as she finally slammed the door on Les and her lousy marriage was worth at least ten times as much as his compensation would ever have been. Stunning.

So, there you have it. As I've been saying for the last couple of weeks, we're seeing a real great improvement in the consistency of the show. Let's please see more like tonight's... Good one, Phil Woods, some excellent dialogue.

*phew* After two updates in row, I'm absolutely clattered. Time for another drinkie methinks! Take care! :)

The Rattler

This Monday Update Was Sponsored By Autechre (What I was listening to) and Stella Artois (What I was drinking...)


Wednesday 13 January

 

This update is coming to you a little late this week I'm afraid. I do normally like to try to get it in before the next episode is shown, and now three have gone by since this one. But then there was the little incident of the car park barrier arm that thwacked me one the head (don't laugh, all the laughing has already been done!) Which left me with a rotten headache for a couple of days. And then there was the trip away, including a stopover in Cambridge on Friday night before going on to London for the Jubblyping. And yes, I know I lost count of the glasses of that rather nice white wine and got squiffy enough to miss the house I lived in for ten years afterwards. It was lovely to meet Alan and Trude again, and for the first time the very jubbly Jackie, and her Mum, and Barbara and Guy. It was great to see my ex again too.

Anyway, let's get on.

Les Battersby is in the doghouse. Or rather, because this is the North of England, he's been in the privy in the back yard where he's spent the night, and now he's crawling out, crestfallen and dishevelled, banging on the yard door calling out "Janice! Janice!". Janice duly appears at the upstairs window, evidently not in one of her happier moods. "Crawl off and die!" she shouts. Ah, protests Les, she's got it all wrong, but she won't believe him. "It's no good Les, she told me erself you were taking er to Vegas!" They trade insults for a while. "If you hadn't blown the gaffe yesterday," accuses Les, we'd be alf a million quid better off!". Janice is contemptuous. "And what would you ave done with it? Took that jailbird next door to Vegas? Perhaps she's dumped you now that you're skint!"

Les, who is in magnanimous mood today, is prepared to forgive Janice, after all she only overreacted. The sweet sound of violins strikes up. Well they don't really, I made that up, but it fits with Janice's ironic twist of the knife. "Aw, that's very good of yer, but I need a bit of time to think about it". How does two years sound? Well, she wouldn't want to overreact again would she? She withdraws from the fray, slamming the window down.

Emily is exchanging gossip with Gail in the caff before turning to leave. But before she gets very far she spots Gary, tucking into a fry- up. "How are the twins?" she asks? Gary, naturally, is pleased to be able to show off about them again, they're great and he really looks as though he means it. But he's enjoying half an hour off duty. Emily offers a hostage to fortune - she offers to babysit at any time. Gary's eyes light up - "Yer not free tonight are yer?" Emily has to think and this makes Gary wish he hadn't said it, he was only kidding. But as a matter of fact Emily is free tonight, and Gary is all to happy to ask Judy if they can have a night out. "They're a handful you know" he warns, but to Emily this is no problem, after all if she can spend the night in a tree in the middle of winter she can cope with two babies for a couple of hours. So, it's all set up.

As Emily leaves she passes Roy coming in, excitedly. He has good news, he tells Gail, the landlords have offered him two weeks rent-free so he can get the new caff ready. Martin appears from behind the counter, he wants to know how that pans out timewise. And Roy is thrown, he hasn't actually thought of that, he can't be so precise now, he has to firm things up a bit with Steve first, it'll be a few weeks yet, months even, he extemporises. "Goodness!" says Gail to Martin, "We're going to need that money now that you're out of work". Don't worry, says Martin, I won't be out of work forever. But Gail isn't so sure, we see the camera close on her face as she whispers anxiously to herself "I hope not...".

Vera and Jack have returned from their trip to Blackpool and Vera is critical of Natalie's redecorating work that has gone on behind the scenes in the Rovers in their absence. "You're not thinking of doing t'rest of pub are yer?" she moans. Because "they're a conservative lot, our customers you know, they don't like change". And by the way, what has Natalie done with all their stuff? Oh, Natalie reassures her, it's all packed away. But Natalie has preserved the sign from over the door - VERONICA DUCKWORTH - Licensed to sell beer wine spirits etc etc. "Well," says Vera with a gloomy air, you've certainly stamped your mark on this place haven't you! Well now your name's over the door, people will know who's to blame won't they?

Les is trying his luck with Jackie, at her front door. "Why did you tell er we were off to Vegas?" he wants to know. Jackie protests her innocence. No, all she said was "just ask yer usband". Les is sorry, but he's been kicked out on the strength of it, and maybe Jackie owes him a favour, can she put him up, just till he gets his compo, which should be any day now, and he won't be under her feet because she'll be at work all day (funny, haven't we heard all this somewhere before?)

Meanwhile, across the road we can see over Les's shoulder that Baldwin's Belles are knocking off for their lunchbreak, Janice amongst them, and of course she can't fail to spot the little scene being played out here. Especially, when , after a warning that he's sleeping on the settee, he is admitted to the house. She looks on for a second or two, stony- faced, before marching determinedly across the road.

At the Platt's, Audrey is playing the respectable widow, sombrely dressed and touching up her makeup for maximum effect. It's the day of the will-reading, and as we know, where there's a will there's some embarrassingly cliched plotting. Anyway, she knows what's in store, the solicitor has already briefed her and apart from a couple of little legacies of piddling amounts, it's all for her, and she's finding it hard to conceal the excitement behind the cloak of respectability. Gail hopes against hope that she won't do anything daft with the money, but no, parsimonious Audrey will do nothing beyond a trip to Canada to see Stephen, change the car maybe, and oh, have a new kitchen installed. These, she reassures Gail, are merely "investments".

Judy is hanging up baby clothes to dry, and aren't there a lot of them, keeping her busy I shouldn't wonder. "Second shift clocking on" says Gary, cheerfully, as he enters. Judy says "Next time I have a baby, will you remind me to have it in the spring?" Six months of warm weather you see, she can hang out the baby clothes in the yard. Gary tells her of Emily's offer to babysit. At first, Judy is too tired, but is soon persuaded that a couple of hours in the Rovers, followed by a Chinese takeaway, would do them both good.

Kevin, who is smiling and full of the joys of something or other - probably the sap rising early - is buying a pint while Linda and Alison look on. Alison is clearly moonstruck. "That was a nice smile," comments Alison, "how's it going?" It's early days, it's all a bit strong, but Alison is afraid Kev is not yet over his ex. Linda puts her straight, don't be soft, they've been finished for ages - no love lost there if you ask me!"

Cut to Natalie, who has gone over to the Big Mac (the one with extra gherkin), to congratulate him on the way he's got himself out of the wheelchair. Behind her, Vera looks on disapprovingly. Big Mac is in a cheerful frame of mind. Well, when he was that far down he didn't know if he was getting a full measure in his glass, so he didn't. Nice one Jim, so it is! "Not now," says Natalie, "that I'm in charge. Those days are over." Vera, unseen by either of them, frowns deeply. Jack looks on in dismay, then our comedy duo do their end-of-the-pier routine.

V: "Eh, she's lording it up all of a sudden, who does she think she is?"

J: " The landlady, Vera".

V: (anxiously) "Will we be all right?"

J: "Give er a couple of weeks, she's got some fancy ideas, no idea about running a pub though. Wait till the nitty-gritty hits er, she's going to need all the help she can get from us"

V: "She'll find out what hard work is!"

J: "Aye, and then she'll be thrown"

V: "Aye, and then we'll be t'power behind t'throne!"

Meanwhile, at t'solicitors, we're ready for the will, along with Audrey and Gail. Audrey is chuffed to hear that Alf left her his entire estate, all except three sums of two thousand pounds for each of the grandchildren - Gail is pleased that they've been remembered. - to be kept in trust until they are eighteen, except for Nick's share because he already is eighteen and can have his right away. And now, the residue, and Audrey can barely contain her the excitement as the solicitor slips her the papers with the detailed breakdown. Her face drops like the Blackpool Tower lift as she struggles to comprehend what she sees. All the remainder, after the property and the business, and the solicitor's cut, is the grand sum of GBP 1,427 and thirteen pence. Oh misery, she doesn't understand, poor thing. Buying the building as well as the salon made inroads into his savings, explains the solicitor. But she remains indignant, she's sorry, but Alf had more than that, he had his TESSAs and his PEPs. No, those were cashed in to buy the business. Well, she's sorry but she really doesn't know how she's going to live on just her pension and the income from the salon. The solicitor can't do anything about telling her how to use her legacy though. Unlike Mr Jaggers he didn't advise her to invest in "portable property" either - that would be rubbing it in too much. There, I told you we were in for some cliched plotting.

INTERMISSION

During the ads, Audrey, Gail and Martin managed to get back to Roy's Rolls, where Audrey reflects mournfully over a cup of tea. Alf must have had £100,000 at least. Martin points out pragmatically that the estate was probably worth that, including the properties and the business, but Audrey's dreams of never having to work again have been well and truly dashed. Back to the old scissors I'm afraid, snip, snip! Meanly, she wails that even the kids are getting more than her, but then regrets saying that. But how can she show her face, she'll be a laughing stock. As a Person of Standing in the Community, Alf's will will be published in the Gazette for all to see. "Impoverished gentility, that's what I've got to look forward too". It helps her a little, though, when Martin explains that only the total estate will be published.

Martin draws Gail aside. "You know what's drained his estate don't you? Thirteen years of funding her retail therapy!"

Vera is trying to ingratiate herself with Natalie back in the Rovers. "How are you managing lovie?" she asks, condescendingly. Natalie is fine, she beams. Well, says Vera, it's nice that honeymoon period. What honeymoon period, Natalie wants to know, she's worked there for eighteen months already. Vera is brimming with advice about the dreary graft of running the pub. Natalie tells her that if she runs into difficulties, she'll know where to come. "That's right, you stick with us". But Natalie's face as she walks away tells us she has other ideas.

Across the room Martin has been telling Nick and Leanne the good news about Nick's inheritance. "Two thousand? When do I get it?" says Nick showing all his financial prudence. Leanne seems very happy. This calls for a celebration, says Nick, but Leanne has remembered that she's promised to babysit for Kevin tonight. Oh well, she'll just have tell him she can't, she giggles. Is this another obstacle on the path of true romance? We shall see.

Martin, meanwhile, has gone off and engaged Les. "You happy now?" he demands, "how much did you get?". Les tells him he got nowt, and get this, with Alf dying and all that, and with Martin losing his job, he reckoned he'd proved his point and so withdrew the charge! This does not please Martin, who shouts that he'd resigned over the matter. Because he has principles. Les continues to astonish. "I wish you'd told me, I wouldn't have dropped the case, now we're both out of pocket". There's better to come. "I was going to see you right once the compo came through", he shouts.

Martin doesn't believe his ears.

"No," says Les, that's a side of me that people don't see. So keep it under your hat will yer. PINT PLEASE". The cheek of the man!

In the caff, Roy brings Little Mac (without the gherkin) a coffee. The latter hopes it's not as strong as the last one, which had him shaking for hours. "N...n...no," stammers Roy, I think I've got the balance right now". And by the way, Roy's offer on the new premises has been accepted, so he'll want Steve's estimate as soon as possible. Little Mac's sinister eyes roll shiftily, like a murderous psychopath in a bad 1950s film.

Cut to Martin and Gail. Martin is complaining to Gail about Les "He puts me through all that, then he goes and drops the case!" It doesn't add up, he was doing it "all for us!" Can't Martin find out what really happened, Gail suggests. No, he's not been able to get through to the hospital. Gail persists, if Les has dropped the case, Martin can have his job back. But he's not having that, crawling back, it's done! "Then undo it" hisses Gail, irritated.

Judy, holding the blue baby, is giving final instructions to Emily. The twins have been fed and changed and are ready to go to sleep. "Isn't it a miracle the way they come out perfectly formed" coos Emily. "It's a miracle how they always wake up just when you're nodding off" replies Gary. Judy goes upstairs to change, Gary to the bathroom to shave...

Alison arrives at Kevin's. "I'm not too early am I?" she asks, awkwardly. Kevin is even more ill at ease (they are both engagingly awkward throughout the scenes that follow, which I think were very well handled). No, but there's a bit of a problem, the babysitter's let him down, he's tried everybody else he knows, does she want to come back another night? "What do you want to do?" she asks, as he introduces her to the dining room, where Rosie is sitting at the table in her dressing gown. Kevin suggests that they could have a takeaway, but that would mean staying in. Alison doesn't mind that. Rosie likes the idea, "Can we have a takeaway?"

Very stiffly and formally, and nervously, Kevin introduces Alison to Rosie. "This is Alison, a friend of daddy's". Just as Sophie comes skipping in, cute as you like, to join the family party. "Two very pretty little girls!" remarks Alison. "I bet you've got loads of boyfriends haven't you?". Sophie is disarming. "Rosie has but I'm too young". Rosie protests that she only has two boyfriends (like mother like daughter?). Clearly Alison and the girls are going to get on just fine, and a relieved Kevin goes off to get Chinese takeaways while Alison promises to read the girls a story after they've brushed their teeth.

"You've made a hit there!" remarks Kevin, just before he goes.

"It's only because I'm new, the novelty will wear off soon"

"Stick around!"

"Well, we'll see about that, won't we".

Big Mac is visiting the Mallett's house, making some noise on his crutches. Emily tell him that she's afraid of waking them. Jim has come to find out where Judy and Gary are, they were supposed to be meeting him in the Rovers but didn't show. "But it's them I'm talking about!" says Emily, explaining that when Gary came out of the bathroom he found Judy fast asleep on the bed. He said he'd stay up and read till she woke, but when Emily when upstairs he'd gone off too! Emily was left babysitting all four of them. Isn't that sweet! Jim is still in fine witty form. If he was her he'd charge double. "But if Gary wakes up," he advises, "just give him another bottle of Newton & Ridley's, he'll soon go off again.

Kevin is setting the table. "How was they?" he enquires of Alison, coming down the stairs. As good as gold. Still nervous, Alison is worried if Kevin minds her being there, he might not want the girls to know she's there. But Kevin's intentions are serious, he wouldn't have invited her if he didn't want the girls to get to know her. "I don't invite a different woman round every night, that would really freak them out, but I'm not going to hide away from my feelings". The food's in the oven, he'll just go and switch the lights out.

Martin is at home, on the phone, and having trouble understanding something. "You are joking, aren't you?... Why the lying... Yes!". It's Carol at the hospital. She's told all. He storms towards the door. "Martin, be careful," warns Gail, "don't do anything stupid". "I can't guarantee that Gail" is his furious reply.

Back in the Rovers, Jack is leaning over the bar nattering to Les. Natalie asks him to bring up a crate of mixers - he'll be with her in a minute, and carries on nattering. Les is distracted by the arrival of Jackie so Jack is free at last to his boss's bidding. He stumbles off to the cellar slowly. Spider, who has been standing by nonchalantly playing with a yo-yo, remarks that he's a man in a hurry. Natalie has a proposition for Spider, she's short-handed, and musters all her considerable charm to talk him into coming behind the bar. She knows his weak spots "You'll get to meet all the girls, hear all the gossip. But it's not a New Age thing you know - hard graft!" "Hey," says Spider, "we're not all layabouts around here you know!" and as he could use the cash he's hooked.

Little Mac, still looking shifty, comes in and finds Roy sitting in the alcove. He's already knocked up the estimate, having put a lot of careful thought into it, pushes it in front of Roy and waits for the prey to take the bait. It seems a little on the high side to Roy, not that, he naively confesses, he knows anything about this kind of thing. Steve moves in for the kill - he could get a lower estimate and Steve could do one for him, but it would mean cutting corners. Roy falls for it, he wants a professional job, so that's what it's going to cost him. But he needs time to think.

Les is canoodling with Jackie when Martin bursts in, grabs Les and they begin tussling. Little Mac moves in to hold back Martin while Jack grabs Les, and they face each other as if on taut springs. Jackie wants to know what's going on, so Martin, in a loud angry voice, reveals all about how Janice told everything to the tribunal, and Les's story was all a pack of lies. Jackie, of course, wants to know immediately if this means that Les is not going to get any money. Martin is all too happy to confirm that this is the case. Natalie intervenes to throw the scrappers out "Let's go Jackie" says Les. "You gotta be joken" is the obvious, disgusted, reply.

And back at Kevin's, he and Alison are relaxed on the sofa, drinking red wine. Alison is still a little anxious about something though. "There's something I have to be sure about." (Nervous pause) "Do you still have feelings for Sally?

No way, says Kevin, not after what she did with Greg Kelly. What about you then, do you come without baggage?

She stands. She's really enjoyed the evening. Kevin is reluctant to let her go. "We'll have to do it again sometime".

For an eternity they gaze into each others eyes. Finally, Kevin feels he has to say something. Anything.

"Conversation dries up sometimes"

[pause]

"Well, maybe there's nothing left to say for now".

[pause]

"Maybe"

[pause]

"I'll go now, shall I? You must be worn out"

[pause]

"If that's what you want to do"

[pause]

"Well, it's what I suggested" [pause] "I don't know, nerves I suppose" [pause] "It's not what I want" [pause] "I don't mind if you've nothing to say"

[long pause]

"Why don't you stay a bit longer?"

And their lips melt sweetly together as they clinch passionately.

And, softly in the background, Mr David Gates, with Bread, is singing "I want to make it with you". Until overwhelmed by the brass band over the titles. Subtle, isn't it?

Well, not a great episode but a very nice little pot-boiler. The will scenes were predictable and the feud between Les and Martin is getting very tiresome. But the blossoming relationship between Alison and Kevin is developing very well, both characters believable in their awkwardness, and this is old-fashioned romance like wot they don't make any more - good three-hanky stuff!.

And there was some nice farce involving the Duckworths. I especially liked Vera's ingratiating obsequiousness with the bare-faced insolence behind, and for this reason, my award for this week goes to Liz Dawn.

That's it for now.

Rosalind


Friday 15 January

Hiya folks!!!! ... Time again for another update....

So, what's been happening? Not a phenomenal amount, but two relevant episodes to recount. The first being the opening of my Fred Elliott Wave File website - at long last I have made a start and unveiled this. The plan is to upload my extensive collection of Fred Elliott audio clips on a daily basis and I am absolutely delighted by the positive response. Those of you who know me, will appreciate how much I love this character and it is clear I am not alone.

The other main item was the mini-ping we held for Jubblyjub, my IRC mate from Pebble Beach, Bribie Island, Queensland, Australia. Jackie came back over to the UK with her mother for the funeral of her nan - not a happy occasion. As she had travelled from round the other side of the world, we couldn't let her presence go unnoticed, so it was a real joy to meet the lass and have some great laughs at the ping in London this Saturday. Coinciding with my wife's birthday on Saturday, this gave us a great opportunity to have a short weekend away in the capital. Great company, good chat, nice beer, what else is there in life? Tomorrow, Jackie is coming up to Manchester with some of her family, to do the Granada Studios Tour, and as my photos of my previous visit never came out, it's another excuse to have a great time pinging away!!!

What else? Well, the weekend was a welcome break for Trude who is doing her lion-taming bit trying to knock her new class into shape. Probably the highlight of the week was Thursday when she stood a very naughty boy against the wall, as punishment, only to find him peeing against it!!!! All life is here and as I keep saying, the Battersbys are relatively tame compared to some of the families with which she has contact. All god stuff, eh?

Classic comment of the week? Well, the music teacher at the school has previously taught at Secondary school and is probably more used to dealing with older kids. He played some music by Handel in an assembly and asked if anyone knew Handel's first name. One young hopefully volunteered what was to him, a perfectly serious and sensible answer, genuinely hoping for some merit points, "Door" being the riposte. How teachers keep their faces straight I don't know, but "Door Handel" has to be worthy of some award somewhere.

Anyway.... enough of that.... without further ado, it's time for the update....

Episode sponsored by Cadbury's

The episode commences at Kevin's place. It's morning and Kevin and Alison are coming down the stairs - she has stayed the night. Both have that warm glow about them, they've enjoyed each other's company, but she needs to make a move before the girls wake up. It won't be quite so awkward once the girls have got to know her better, Kevin explains. They kiss lovingly and the smiles on their faces make a wonderful picture. As she leaves, they make arrangements to meet at lunchtime in the Rovers. The grin on Kevin's face is worth a million pounds, as he closes the door behind her.

At the Battersby's, it is a very different picture. Les has spent the night in the outside toilet again. He looks bleary eyed and uncomfortable. The upstairs bedroom window opens and Janice peers out. "Not so lippy this morning, are ya?" she comments, "What's the matter, got frost bite in your gob?" Les pleads for her sympathy, the whole street has turned against him, she is all he has got. What about his fancy woman, is her reply, but he maintains that she never was his fancy woman, he had nowhere else to go and anyway, she has chucked him out now. The unsympathetic reply "well, you've got what you deserve" is Janice's riposte, as she slams the window shut and Les looks crestfallen, to say the least.

Meanwhile, chez Platt, it isn't all sweetness and light there, either. Gail isn't happy that Martin has resigned his job. He has done this on a point of principle but Gail has her head on much more practical matters, such as holidays or nice birthday presents and how they are to be funded. She cannot see what stops him asking for his job back, they know Les Battersby lied, but Martin doesn't see it quite so simply as she does - he left the drugs trolley unlocked, he was negligent, he admits. She points out that they hadn't sacked him, but his reply that this was only because he resigned first. In any case, he is not prepared to go back to them, cap in hand. The argument gets more heated as Gail shows her frustration at having supported them all through his training, for him to walk out at the first spot of bother. When he reminds her that this was his professional integrity at stake and that she agreed to support him whatever the outcome of the tribune, she replies "Whatever THEIR decision, yes!! They didn't ask you to resign." There is an embarrassed silence and Gail asks, if he isn't going back, what IS he going to do, because he needs to find some money somewhere? He tells her he wants to think about it, but Gail is insistent - he needs to find a job and find it fast.

At the café, Roy is going through a load of paperwork - there are brochures galore all over the table. He is in his pyjamas and dressing gown - Steve's figures just don't add up and he has obviously spent some time trying to make sense of them. Hayley comes in and is surprised that he has still not opened up. He looks tired and explains what he has been doing. He couldn't sleep, but concludes that Steve's figures look high. He has a brochure from a DIY place, to give an indication of what things cost. Hayley points out that Steve has his expenses, such as labour, etc., but Roy has already tried to take that into account and the figures still look on the high side. There must be something he is overlooking, he tells her (yep, like Steve trying to con him by overcharging, but that hasn't entered our hero's head) - anyway he'll catch Steve later. They both get up from the table and get snarled up with a load of printout paper from his calculator, which trails to the floor - they go round and round in circles, trying to extricate themselves from the mess - a wonderfully hilarious, totally visual scene of chaos and confusion. They stop, take breath, "Right, you lead, I'll follow" quips Hayley! ROTFL!

Nick and Leanne come around the corner. They are talking about Nick's inheritance from Alf and how it should be spent. They have decided to go on a holiday, but Leanne is concerned that they must not spend all the money. She is pleased about the money, after all, he'll be able to stop that modelling job - he doesn't sound so enthusiastic about it, though. They kiss goodbye and she agrees to ask Rita for some time off.

As she goes off to the shop, Nick crosses the street in front of Les Battersby, but Les' attempts to make a friendly greeting are met with a stony stare.

At the Kabin, Rita doesn't mind Leanne going off on holiday, as long as she has proper notice to make alternative arrangements. Rita asks how long they plan on going away - probably only a week, replies Leanne. Rita hopes that they don't spend all the money, after all, it could go on a deposit for their first flat, or something.

Les wanders into the Kabin and it's now Rita's turn to give him the cold shoulder. She leaves the shop on the pretext of needing to get something from Fred Elliott's place. Les is upset, after all, it's not as if he had killed somebody. The look on Leanne's face tells you that she has no time for him, either. He clearly regrets what he has done and tells her that if he had known it would turn out this way, he would not have done things the way he did, but this meets with little sympathy from Leanne. He tries to justify his actions by saying that everyone plays the system, who doesn't add a bit onto their insurance claim, he asks? They don't claim against their own in-laws, replies Leanne, her marriage could have broken up over this, she had defended him against Nick, because he was her own father - this morning, she is ashamed to be called his daughter. Les is very upset by all of this and apologises. He pleads for Leanne's help in persuading Janice to take him back, but Leanne will have no part in this, "You've made your bed, so lie in it" she tells him.

At the café, Roy is going through the estimate with Steve, item by item. He is trying to get a comparison between Steve's prices and those in the DIY brochure, but is having difficulty arriving at the figures he's been quoted. Steve tries to bluff his way through by saying that Roy is a layman, trying to cost a professional job, but Roy is still trying to understand the discrepancy in the figures and how Steve arrived at his estimate. Steve is bored out of his skull and realises he's been rumbled. However, rather than be drawn into details, he suddenly drops his asking price from twelve to nine and a half thousand pounds. This puzzles Roy, because Steve was previously asking for twelve thousand pounds, presumably for a very good reason, now he has dropped that price - Steve brings the discussion to a conclusion by saying that he is offering to do the job at a very fair price - "think about it and give us a bell" is his parting shot, as he leaves a very perplexed Roy trying to fathom it all out.

In the Rovers, Natalie is perturbed to find half a dozen crates of pale ale have been delivered, even though she didn't order them. Tackling Vera, she finds out that Vera added them to the list, "I thought it would save you a job!" Natalie pulls Vera over to one side and tells her that they weren't on her list, because she didn't want them. She is introducing a range of designer beers for the young people. Vera tells her that they won't take off, but Natalie is the boss and insists that the ordering be left to her. We see one Vera, nose pushed out of joint.

At the bar, Fred is having a drink with Audrey. He asks how the reading of the will went, "no unpleasant surprises, I hope. It didn't all go to Battersea Dogs' Home, or some wench in Wigan?" She tells him, that apart from three very small legacies to the Gail's kids, it all came to her, neglecting to mention that, apart from the property, there wasn't much in the way of cash. Fred envisages a life of leisure for her, but she tells him "you haven't heard of noblesse oblige?" "It's not that new bistro out Knutsford way, is it?" is Fred's reply. She informs him that it's the responsibility of the privileged to help others so that is what she is going to do - she will continue with her council work and keep in touch with the needs of the ordinary person by working in the salon. Fred is impressed by this bit of b*llsh*t and describes her as a superior being, "they'll be venerating you in 50 years, if you don't watch out", he tells her, "St. Audrey of Weatherfield... can I touch the hem of your garment now?"

Alison comes into the pub and asks Natalie whether she has seen Kevin. Natalie suggests trying the garage. As Alison leaves the pub, Natalie smiles realising that this is Kevin's latest love interest.

Spider comes behind the bar and is tackled by Vera, who is unaware that he has been taken on as a member of staff. When he acquaints her with these facts, Vera cannot believe it, "give over, we don't have riffraff like you behind the bar, go on, sling your hook." Just then Natalie comes into view and confirms Spider's view of events, much to Vera's disgust. When Vera gets belligerent, Natalie points out that, Spider is likely to be an asset, at least he's shown willing, which is more than they her and Jack have done "like it or not, I'm in charge here and I will do whatever I want, understand?"

... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1

After the ads, it's part 2
The second part of the programme commences at Roy's Rolls. He is somewhat bewildered, telling Hayley, that all he was asking for was an explanation of Steve's figures and he dropped his price. "He's haggling, Roy" explains Hayley, "everybody does it. He starts off high, you go low and you meet somewhere in the middle." Roy cannot understand why the performance, but Hayley explains that everybody does it, "you must have done it when you bought the new premises, didn't you?" "No", admits Roy, "I made an offer that I thought was fair and it was accepted. Anyway, property is different, there's all sorts of imponderables, but building jobs they have fixed costs, surely?" Hayley points out that this is the game he is going to have to play if he wants Steve to do the job for him.

At the Rovers, Jack and Vera are discussing tactics as to how to play it with Natalie. They need to remind her how much she is floundering, Jack is telling Vera - Natalie will soon come round to their way of working, he insists.

Judeh is telling Natalie about what happened when Emily came to babysit for them and how they had fallen asleep upstairs because they were too tired to go out. Judeh is embarrassed but Natalie reassures her that there would be no need, they must have needed the sleep and Emily would have understood. "Kids and sleep, is that all we've got to look forward to?" asks Judeh. "No" replies Natalie, "only for the next five years, then you can add going out to work to your list." "Great" is Judeh's enthralled response.

Alison has been waiting at the bar for Kevin, but he hasn't showed up. Enter Linda, who states "they're all the same, get what they want and off they go." Alison rushes off, obviously upset.

Vera is queening it with duster in hand. "Look at that, it was spick and span when we had it" she is telling Emily, unaware at the time that Natalie is standing right behind her, able to hear every word. Seeing Natalie. she scuttles off and Emily enquires how Natalie is settling in. "Very well, thank you Emily. One or two teething problems, but nothing that cannot be sorted."

At the café, Roy is in negotiation mode and Slimeball Steve is all ears. He tells Steve that he has thought about his offer but still thinks nine and a half thousand is too high." "So what do you suggest, then" is Steve's reply. "One nine fifty" is Roy's response. This is followed by Steve splurting the coffee he has been drinking back into his cup. "See you Roy" is Steve's unimpressed rely - I think we might take that as a no and a complete no-no as far as Roy's negotiating skills.

Martin has been on the phone in the café, talking to a nursing agency. When he tells Gail about this, she isn't impressed, there is no security, why doesn't he try other NHS (National Health Service) hospitals? He foresees a problem as they will require references, but it is not as important with an agency. Gail doesn't like the sound of this. "Well its too bad, I've fixed an appointment next week" he tells her.

We see Kevin coming back to a locked garage. Outside is Tyrone. He tells Kevin that he has had three customers in the last hour and if he had someone helping him, then the jobs could have been booked in for later.

At that stage Alison comes over to find out why Kevin stood her up. He apologises and explains that he got called out on a breakdown, someone for whom he does a lot of work. He had thought it would only take an hour but he has only just come back. Alison is annoyed as she has been waiting for him and had looked everywhere. He apologises again, saying that he had not taken his phone, otherwise he would have called her at the factory to tell her. He says he has been thinking, there seem to be too many obstacles getting in their way, how would she fancy going away with him for a weekend? He assures her that contrary to what she must think, he is not messing her about. When she says that they don't know each other well enough, his reply is that this is exactly why they should go away, it would give them a chance. She thinks for a second and agrees, big grin all over her face, closely followed by a matching grin on his face. He'll get it sorted, he tells her, but, of course, they will have to meet to talk about it! Of course!! They kiss and she returns to the factory, while Tyrone quips that he could also pass messages on from Kevin's girlfriends.

In a good mood, Kevin agrees to taking on Tyrone for a couple of hours after school. "What about weekends?", asks Tyrone, obviously on a roll. Kevin tells him they will give it a go, but any funny business or anything goes missing, then he will be out on his ear. Another happy camper, as a delighted Tyrone makes his way home.

At the Rovers, the lunchtime session has ended. Jack and Vera are in the back room and Jack stretches out on the settee. Natalie comes in. She wonders, now that they have been back a few days, whether Jack and Vera have found themselves somewhere to live. Vera tells her that they haven't had time, to which Natalie suggests, if they need some time off work to go looking, then this could be arranged. The smile on her face makes you realise that while she is being polite, she is very determined to get Jack and Vera out as soon as possible. Vera says there is no rush but Natalie tells her that she was hoping to move in, in the next fortnight. She is going to be in trouble if she doesn't move in soon and reminds them then she will have owned the pub a month by then, while they moved in the day after they bought the pub. "Two weeks" is the marker she puts down. After she has left the room, Vera asks Jack what he made of the conversation. "We'll move when we are ready, not before" is his stubborn reply. Vera agrees.

Back at the café, Roy is having a post-mortem on his abortive negotiation session with Steve. "You said go lower" he is telling Hayley, who responds by inferring that his offer was derisory. When he asks what he should have bid, she asks how much he wanted to pay. His reply that he hadn't really thought about it, is met with the order "well you think and next time I'll come with you." Behind every successful man, there is the boot of a woman who knows what's what, and Hayley's that gal here.

At that stage, the café door opens. A smart young woman comes in and walks over to Gail. "Is it Gail? You don't remember me, do you?" she asks. Gail pauses, "Is it Sharon?" "Yes" is the reply. It is Sharon Gaskell, who was fostered by Rita and Len Fairclough, in 1982, when she was a teenager. She explains she is trying to find Rita, but Gail explains that Rita now has the Kabin on the corner of Coronation Street and Viaduct Street. The two women are pleased to see each other and Sharon confirms she hopes to be around.

After she has left the shop, Toyah asks who the mystery visitor was. Gail goes though a history lesson, explaining that it was all a long time ago, after all, Sharon used to babysit for Nick.

In the street, Sharon has stopped outside the Kabin. Rita is locking up shop for the day. As Rita brings in a paper display from outside, Sharon comes up and introduces herself, much to Rita's delight. They hug and embrace and go back into the shop. Rita asks whether Sharon is stopping or just passing through and offers to put her up. She suddenly wonders whether Sharon is in trouble, but the young lady is able to dispel that fear. In fact, she has some good news for her. She is getting married, she explains, proudly holding out her left hand and showing off her engagement ring. She has come to invite Rita to her wedding. The two embrace each other in happiness.

Back at the Rovers, Steve is being served by Natalie and is ordering one of the new designer drinks stocked by her. Jack is bemused by it all and pulls Steve's leg, offering him a straw for his drink. He tells Steve that he wouldn't have such a drink, there is "more kick in a cream soda" he tells Steve. Natalie points out that Jack doesn't have to drink them, just to serve them with good grace.

Seated in the Rovers are Roy and Hayley. When Hayley espies Steve she comes over to him and tells him that Roy wishes to discuss something with him. Steve doesn't think they have much to talk about but Hayley is quietly insistent. He joins them at their table and sits down. Roy explains that he wasn't trying to be funny earlier in the afternoon, he was just trying to arrive at a fair price. Steve and Roy are about to bicker when Hayley announces to Steve that Roy has another suggestion to make.

Roy - "Five thousand"
Steve - "Eight nine fifty"
R - "Six"
S - "Eight and a half"
R - "Seven nine fifty"
S - "I'll put it in writing"
R - "Good"

They shake hands on the deal, Steve gets up and Hayley looks as pleased as punch. "See! That weren't so bad, were it?" she comments. "That was very fair" replies Roy, equally pleased, "why couldn't he have said that in the first place?"

Les has come into the pub, goes over to Janice and sits down with her. He looks miserable. She looks miserable. The jukebox is playing "It's a heartache" by Bonnie Tyler. The mood is set. He pleads that he knows he has done wrong but he was not going to go off with Jackie Dobbs, he explains he only did it to make her feel jealous after the row that they had. If she doesn't love him, then he wants her to tell him now and he will go - only he thinks Janice does love him. If she didn't then she wouldn't have shopped him to the tribunal, he reasons, she would have let him go off with Jackie, which he wasn't going to do anyway. He begs her to reconsider, she obviously still has feelings for him. She tells him she cannot trust him anymore and admits he makes things really hard for her. He continues with his begging, telling her he would do anything to get her back, sleep on the settee, do all the housework. He begs for her to take him back on a trial period. Eventually, she weakens and agrees to his request, but only until she is satisfied he has changed. Until then, he sleeps on the settee and does all the housework, she tells him. She must be mad, she admits, but he is full of gratitude and tells her he will make it up to her. "You'd better, because next time it really will be over" she tells him.

At the bar, Steve asks Jack for a cheese sandwich but Jack continues to mock, saying that it's a bit basic for their new image. If he were to ask them for "deep fried potato skins or a chiabatty butty", they might be able to oblige, but a good honest cheese butty"... "with pickle" chips in Vera, joining in on the joke... Natalie has overheard them and tells Steve she will get him his cheese sandwich in a minute. In the meantime, she calls Jack and Vera into the back room, she wants a quick word.

The Duckies are still chortling away at their amusing quips as they enter the back room. Natalie announces that it is not working with all three of them behind the bar - they have left her with no alternative. Vera points out that Natalie cannot sack them. Natalie reassures them she is merely going to "redefine" their roles. "From now on Jack, you will be Stock Supervisor and you, Vee, will be Site Maintenance - Cellarman and Cleaner." When Vera protests, Natalie is quick to point out "well, you said earlier, the place was filthy, now's your chance to do something about it. Anyway, this way, I'm sure we'll all get on, so much better."

With that, she leaves the room, Jack and Vera looking somewhat shell-shocked.... "Over my dead body" says a furious Vera.

.....and with that.... it is the cue for music and credits ... episode written by Martin Allen

All material is, and remains, copyright property of Granada Television.

Well, how was it for me? Not a particularly action packed episode, yet another very enjoyable one with some fine writing and good performances. Good scenes from Roy and Hayley, as ever. Lovely scenes of tenderness from Kevin and Alison, these two look so right for each other. Fine performances for Jack and Vera, trying to take advantage of the situation and from Natalie, not having any of it. A pleasing reappearance after many years of Sharon Gaskell.

Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take care... Tubby greetings and Tinkyluv from the Tinkster in Glorious Glossop....

Regards, Alan


Sunday 17 January

[A content-free intro this week. I'm simply lacking the time. Sorreee !]

Act 1
Rita and Sally are having their early morning cuppas, clad in traditional not-an-inch-of-flesh-showing TV dressing gowns. Rita remarks that the mail is late today. Like the proverbial watched pot, an anticipated letter never ever arrives on time, and we don't know whether anything is actually expected or not so we can safely assume this is a plot device. Apart from that, Sally is keen to know more about Sharon's sudden reappearance. When is the wedding and isn't it romantic, returning after all these years with a dashing young man in tow ? Rita tells her they've a *lot* to catch up on, but she's obviously very pleased to see her foster daughter again.

Nick and Leanne are downstairs in the Kabin. Nick is off to Loughborough for some sport or other. [I rewound the tape about 4 times, but still couldn't catch what he was mumbling.] Leanne isn't happy when he says he'll not be back until very late because he has a modelling session as soon as he returns from the match. He tries to argue that they need the money, but with Alf's bequest on its way, Leanne is not convinced.

Martin walks into the kitchen, past David and Sarah-Louise, who are playing games on the TV while being snapped at by Gail. She's in a bad mood, not much improved when Martin says he has an interview the following week. It's only for agency work, and where's the security in that ? She berates him for putting his principles above his responsibility to her and the children.

Emily enters the Kabin to pay for her week's papers. [I had to laugh here - I'm terrible at paying for mine and quite often am nearly two months in arrears with my account. When I worked in London, the nagging notes used to fall out on the floor of the Tube train...] She encounters a distinctly chilly atmosphere, as Nick and Leanne have not resolved their differences, and worse still Leanne proceeds to tell Emily all about Nick's penny- pinching attitude. To everyone's embarrassment. She wants a holiday, and he wants to spend money on more educational courses. "I'm thinking of my future", says Nick after Emily leaves, "I don't want to waste the money". "Oh, so I'm a waste of money, am I ?", says Leanne. [Cut your losses and run, Nick, she's using feminine "logic" !!]

Fred, on the other hand, is in an ebullient mood as he breezes into the corner shop. Maud is immediately suspicious - it's another one of his hair- brained schemes, isn't it ? He produces a poster advertising their January "sale" - buy two of anything and get a Christmas pudding free. Maud points out this means she'll have to give away a pudding to any young lad who asks for two penny chews. [Do they still make penny chews ?] Jim arrives, and after a bit of quizzing, is told he will qualify for eight and a half puddings. This doesn't excite him at all as he hates the things. So he does. Satisfied, Maud grins at Fred. "Very funny", he replies.

Leanne is still at full pressure as she unloads yet more discontentment, this time to Rita. Martin walks in, and he too looks rather sheepish as he is forced to listen in before he can be served. He surmises she is complaining about Nick. After he leaves, Rita tells Leanne there is "a time and place" for everything. And this clearly isn't it.

Jack and Vera enter the cafe - Vera orders two teas, and Jack tries to order a full English, but she puts a stop to that. Vera is fed up with the prospect of being demoted from "senior management" to cleaner. "What are we gonna doooo ?", she demands. Jack has the answer - they still have nearly thirty thousand in the bank. But Vera won't spend a penny of this on stuffing his belly, as she puts it, that's going into bricks and mortar if it's going anywhere. They resolve to meet with Natalie and see if they can bring her round to their point of view.

Talking of whom, the new landlady and licensee is glad to see Lorraine return from the shops, as she's on her own behind the bar. She is told that Jack and Vera have taken early retirement. At this point, Jack arrives. He soft soaps Natalie, telling her that he and Vera are confused. What could they have done for things to come to this ? Vera, in particular, is very upset. Apparently, she'd looked on Natalie as a daughter. He asks that they be reinstated. He'll happily do the cellar-work, but Vera won't do any cleaning duties, though. Natalie tells him it's their own fault - she's the boss now, and they can't accept that. She notices a coincidence though, her own mother was a cleaner. Vera can accept her new role, or quit.

Intermission
Tosh, drivel, clap-trap. Amongst tonight's dross is an advert for a new "breakthrough" in moisturising technology - a 24-hour skin lotion. I mean, what is this ? I don't fall apart if I don't slap some cream on at least once in a day, for the simple reason that Nature evolved me this way. And the typical day [at the moment] involves coming into contact with plaster dust, brush cleaner, paint and wallpaper paste. [I've left bogies out of this list, so as not to cause offence.] Anyway, after all that, oh lookie ! My hands haven't cracked up and fallen apart. Oh joy ;-)

Act 2
Vera has gone round to see Judy and the twins. Or perhaps, to offload her own grievances about Natalie. Judy looks semi-comatose, but manages to offer her opinion that Natalie is really only behaving like any new boss - she wants to make her own mark on the pub. New broom, and all that. Vera still can't come to terms with what she's lost, though. One minute, it's her own name above the door, next she's being asked to be a scrubber.

Ashley wanders into the corner shop. He's not taken with Fred's sale idea either - who wants Christmas puddings in January ? He's dropped in before going over to the Rovers for his lunch, and wonders if Nita would care to join him. She never ceases to surprise me, by agreeing. [Someone has given Ashley some modified form of Personality Transplant - the words sound like his own, but they're coming out in a manner reminiscent of a cross between Reg Holdsworth and Rigsby.]

Lorraine is chatting to Spider across the bar. She tells him that they're short-staffed, and perhaps he'd like to help them out ? He agrees.

Fred encounters Martin, who is staring at his beer in the vain hope that it might transform itself into a job offer. He tells Martin there's no point in sitting about, he has to get up and do something positive. The Elliott empire didn't get where it was today by sitting about doing nothing. Martin does something positive - he gets up and walks out.

Elsewhere, Rita and Sharon have been catching up. Rita has obviously been telling Sharon about all [well, some, they've only been there a few hours] of the dramas that have affected her life over the last 10 years or so. But onto the future - when is she going to meet Sharon's fiance ?

On the other side of the pub, Nita is toying with Ashley in the way that cats toy with defenceless animals. [Such as humans.] He asks how she's finding the work in the shop, and wonders if it isn't a bit boring, as she seems bright and has been to a business school. "Checking up on me ?", she asks. No, just taking an interest in people. "Do you take an interest in women ?" she asks next. No, not just women. "Oh, are you interested in men ?!". You can see he's starting to squirm a bit. No, no, he's not on "the other bus" at all. She says he's just trying to find out if she's available. Well, yes he concedes. He knows how some cultures are a bit different, and she might be spoken for. Sadly, this is true. She is betrothed to a bricklayer in Bradford - her dowry is four cows and a year's subscription to "Auto Trader". Poor Ashley is way out of his depth. She eventually cracks and tells him she's just winding him up.

Vera has bored Judy to sleep. She has to wake the poor lass up to tell her she's off now. But thanks for listening. Judy collapses into the sofa as the front door slams, waking one of the babies.

Martin bumps into Nick, on his way home it appears. By way of a gift, he offers two Christmas puddings courtesy of the corner shop. He also offers some advice - not to take decisions on his own account that affect Leanne also. He apologises for preaching, but Nick looks grateful for his help.

Jack and Vera are organising their "battle plan". They're going to see Natalie to issue their ultimatum. Either they get their old jobs back, and Natalie apologises for the way she's treated them, or it's another siege. "Ohhh, Vera !", says Jack, his eyes rolled heavenwards.

Gail comes home to find Martin in a much better mood. He tells her that he was wrong and she was right, and he's going to go to the hospital to ask for his old job back. She hugs him.

Leanne comes home to find Nick [who has cancelled his modelling assignment] in a much better mood. He tells her that he was wrong and she was right, and he's going to put her first in future. "Yeah, til the next time !", and she storms off upstairs. Oops !

Vera enters the pub, ready for battle, and immediately spots Spider behind the bar. "What's he doing here ?", she asks Lorraine. It is explained to her that Spider has been taken on full-time. He congratulates Vera on her retirement. She explodes, and announces to the entire pub how she has been wronged by the new owner. Spider realises, and tells her it sounds as if she has grounds for claiming "constructive dismissal". The assembled crowd cheer Vera, and Natalie looks on awkwardly.

We finish where we started tonight, in Rita's flat. The postman eventually turned up, and there is a letter for Sally. She opens it and is shocked to read that Kevin has not only started divorce proceedings [it's from his solicitor] but is seeking custody of the gurls !!

This episode was written by Peter Mills.

Not all that exciting, was it ? Oi'll give it:

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): **1/2

Back next week, hopefully refreshed.

John Laird


Monday 18 January

Hiya :)

SORRY once again but it looks like I'm going to be doing the "two updates in one night" trick, for a second fortnight running. Not a great deal of excuses to offer, I'm afraid, I've just had a lot to do and even more on my mind, thus haven't really had chance to squeeze in the Update Time I need so sorely... that is... (*orchestral hit*) UNTIL NOW!

So without further ado (*drumroll*), here goes:

We open in Rita's flat, where a distraught Sally is telling Rita how upset she is at the letter she receieved from Kevin's solicitor. She manages to fray my nerves to a tatter within 3 seconds of her incessant harping about how *she* deserves the gurrrls and how Kevin shouldn't be allowed so much as a look-in. It matters not that she a) has no place to live (nor, some may argue, a *right* to live ;)) or b) let her beloved daughters bunk with a loathsome lunatic for several months, for she is still insistant that Kevin has no right to "treat her this way". Rita tries to calm the Wacky Webster by explaining that the best thing to do would be for Sally to see a solicitor herself and fight Kevin -in court- for custody of Rursie and Surphie... Honestly, Rita! I'd have thought *you'd* have had more sense than to *encourage* the silly tart! But no, the suggestion is noted as Sally, with patented facial grimaces intact, states that she will make an appointment for the afternoon.

Meanwhile outside the garage, Kevin and Alison are pleasantly discussing their idea of a holiday together. She asks him if he's sure he wants to take her away for awhile and he assures her that it'll be fun, before asking the Wonderful Ms Wakefield 'round to the house later to talk over the details! Just as Alison wanders off towards the factory, Slimy Sally comes oozing round the corner to shout at Kevin about something that makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever (which, come to think of it, neither does her continued precense on the Street). She accuses of him of "pulling a cheap trick" by going to his solicitors and asking for a divorce without telling her first! (Wha?? Correct me if I'm wrong but surely he *DID* tell her!) She proceeds to blather aimlessly but Kev holds his own, right up until the very end. "You'll be hearing from my solicitor and you're not going to like it!" she shouts, childishly, and at this point, I decide to nominate her for most hateful character of 1999 so far... Bleh!

Cut to the Kabin where Leanne is explaining to Rita that her and The Camp Crusader *were* going to go on an expensive holiday together using his inheritance money until he put the kibosh on it by telling her he needed the cash for college. Rita tells the young Tilsley that she doesn't like to get involved in other peoples' personal problems and, at this point, in stomps Silly Sally to proudly exclaim how she's had a good strong word with Kevin! She has an appointment at 4:30pm with the solicitor and says she feels better for it. She adds that she'll have to get back to the market now, before warning that if any of her customers gives her grief, "they're gonna know about it". *shudder* Leanne, who has overheard all this, boasts adamantly that she too is not going to stand up for her rights and not take any stick from Nick (so to speak) regarding their holiday.

Jack and Vera, meanwhile, stand in the back of the Rovers talking utter gibberish. V is adamant that being offered a cleaning position is an "insult" not a job, as Jack tries to calm her down. Natalie enters at this point and asks to use the table for tea-making purposes, an action which threatens to start Vera off on another Mouth-A-Thon. Thankfully, Jack drags her from the room before we have to suffer any more of her nonsense. I realise that the Duckies have never been particularly rational but of late Vera, especially, seems to be living in some kind of surreal paralell dimension where the laws of Real Life (TM) just don't apply... And I, for one, am getting somewhat tired of it.

But not to worry, since we cut to the Cafe where Gail and Martin talk excitedly about the prospect of him getting his job back. He explains that he's going to see his boss today but is certain that everything'll go okay and, with a brief bit of retraining, it'll be as if nothing ever happened. The Duckies enter at this point, sit down for a cuppa and continue their earlier absurd debate. A 'nice' bit of complete carelessness on behalf of the editors ensues during their dialogue. When discussing the fact that Vera used to clean *anyway* as part of her old job, Jack says "The difference is, now you're going to get paid for it!" to which Vera responds (after a quick blip on the soundtrack) "Oh you can't can you?" ... Now either they've become so strange that they've given up using the English language as a tool of communication or someone has been a bit over-zealous with the editing machine... Not good form at all. Anyway, as usual, they reach no conclusion whatsoever. They finally agree to cut a pack of playing cards with whoever draws the lower card taking the job as pub cleaner (!!!!)...

Over at the College, Nick apologises to Manipulative Miranda for not being able to 'take out the equipment and put it away again' the previous night and she tells him that he sounded as if he were "acting under orders". Thus, the Camp Crusader explains that if Leanne had her way, he would never do nude modelling again (Yippee! No more nauseating calendars!) to which Miranda responds "Well, the last thing I'd want to do is come between you and your child bride... Put her little foot down has she?" (MEEEEEOOOOWWW!)... When Nick tells her the story of Leanne's hopes for a holiday, Miranda suggests that he takes her somewhere "Cheap but unusual"... "Like Canada" (!!!)... and then, once she's happy with that, he can come back to college and (wait for it) "Do what you do best... take your clothes off!" - ARF! ARF! And how right she is, since AS EVER, Adam Rickitt is as much use as a splinter in this scene. He *fails* to make eye contact with Miranda, he *fails* to put even an ounce of expression into his lines, reading them in grating monotone and, above all, he *fails* to drop dead at the end of the scene which, of course, would have been a mighty relief to us all. ;)

Back at the Cafe, we are treated to a startingly pointless scene in which Jack and Vera cut the aforementioned playing cards, in front of Gail and Roy. I'll spare you the gruelling details but Jack loses the best out of three draws and thus is told he is to become the "cleaner" of The Rovers, meaning Vee is the "cellarman"... Uh.

Speaking of that famous pub, we now cut to within it, where Spider and Emily approach the bar. Spider has a chat to Natalie, during which he tells her that he can't work for her, as a matter of principle, since it would put Jack and Vera out of a job. Most honourable behaviour, I must say, since only a few days ago Vee was looking at him with contempt and calling him riff-raff to his face! Still, that's Glenda's little Spider for you. Ever the gent! :) As he walks away, Natalie quips to a nearby Martin Platt "You don't want a job do you?" - He tells her that he does, "but not here", adding that he has his reinstation interview at the hospital shortly... Meanwhile, in a nearby booth, Loathsome Linda Sykes (Boo hiss) sits talking with Alison (Yay). The former is putting bad ideas into the latter's head, asking if *she* is the reason Kevin is getting divorced... "Will you be named in court, d'ya think?" she asks. Alison suddenly looks a little worried...

Jack and Vera chalk up Pointless Scene #128438, walking down the street up to The Rovers. He reckons that cleaning is "woman's work" and that he'd be a laughing stock were he to take the job. So instead, he's going to agree to Natalie's offer of making him the Cellarman... Vee yells that he is a "JUDAS!", smacks him with her handbag and storms off... Thereby rendering the whole stupid card-cutting fiasco completely gratuitous. *groan*

END OF PART ONE
I don't know *what* that song is on the new Peugeot 206 advert, but it's already starting to sound like nails down a blackboard to me. Thus, on the grounds of this, I push FastForward and speed through the remainder of the commercial break...

PART TWO
It's interview time for Martin and he is talking with his former boss. He offers to withdraw his resignation but Bossman isn't so happy. He explains to Platty that, had Janice not come forth with his startling confession, the action of resignation itself would have easily swayed the case "in Mr Battersby's favour". He's not best pleased at what happened (or more to the point, what COULD have happened) and neither are the Hospital Trust, it would seem. He tells Martin that there are no job vacancies available at the moment (?! With NHS understaffing the way it is !?) and when the Noble Nurse protests and questions this, all the Boss can say is "We don't currently have any vacancies" in robotic monotone! Poor Platty snarls "Yeah, well, thanks for your time - I promise I won't waste any more of it" before storming out. Oh dear.

Over at the Cornershop, The Mighty Fred Elliot is talking to Maud about Nita, enquiring if she's doing the job well or not. She of the wacky hats tells the Burly Butcher that Nita could do the job with both hands tied behind her back and is evidentally capable of far better. Just then, Loathsome Linda Sykes (Boo hiss) walks in and approaches Nita, who is standing near the back of the store. It seems that the two of them know each other from school but when Linda starts wondering what an ex-star-pupil is doing working in a Cornerhop, Nita rapidly clams up and tells her that she's in a hurry so they should meet up and talk some other time over at the Rovers. It's pretty obvious to me from this scene that the new assistant is perhaps NOT all she seems.

A dazed looking Jim MacDonald (good to see him back, albeit incredibly briefly!) buys Martin a pint in the Rovers and they begin to discuss the latter's job situation. Platty is rather gutted, to say the least, and asks Natalie if she was serious about her earlier offer of a Bar Job. She explains how desperately short-staffed she is and says that anytime he wants to do some pint pulling, she'll be more than happy to have him on the team.

At The House Of Elliot, Nick tells Ashley that he's bought two tickets to Canada for himself and Leanne. Speak of the Devil, Lee enters and Ash is so excited that he tells her himself that Nick's booked for a three-week break in Canada! Her reaction ("Aw no, you're not coming as well are you??") is quite amusing, but when Nick explains that it's just the Two Tilsleys, she's overjoyed at the prospect. (I doubt I could stomach a 9 minute plane journey in a seat next to Nick, let alone 9 hours tho, the poor girl!)

...And it's over to Plattingham Palace, where Gail expresses much disappointment at Martin's failure to be reinstated. He proceeds to tell her that he's taken a part-time job at the Rovers and, of course, she's horrified. "You're a fully qualified nurse!" she howls, "I'm not having you degrading yourself, pulling pints with the likes of Jack Duckworth!" but he explains that it's only until he can get another nursing job sorted, although this is most likely to be with an agency.

So we now find ourselves in Kevin's house. Alison has popped round and is a bit wound up about what Linda said earlier. She makes him assure that she won't be named in the divorce proceedings and he explains that the whole business is absolutely *nothing* to do with her and itt's all because Sally "deserted her family", nothing more. He then adds that if he had it his way there would be a "dirty big ocean" between the two Websters so he'd never have to set eyes on her again. Amen to that, Brother Kevin! Oh yes, then he offers her some... (*orchestral hit*) RED WINE! :)

Vera is drunk in the pub and sitting at a table with Emily and Spider, whinging about how Jack is a traitor and an all-round good-for-nothing. At the bar, tho, a far more riveting conversation is ensuing between Prince Peacock and Uncle Fred. "How are you doing with all them young wenches hanging around you all day?" enquires the Human Foghorn, "I bet you must be spoiled for choice, I say, spoiled for choice!" (LOL)... Ashley isn't quite so enthused about this, so Fred suggests that he "makes an effort" by "going up to them and enticing them with a bit of kidney or a braising steak" (HAHA!). However, RAshley claims sagely that he's going to stay 'on his own' for a while... "Life's not long enough to watch it passing. When you're six foot down in a box, you'll be on your own long enough then..." muses Fred ruefully and, sadly, we cut away to something infinitely less watchable. Smiley Spice and Spider are arguing about him quitting his bar job. She was hoping that they could spend more time together with him working at the Rovers, but he insists that his principles are more important.

The red wine is working it's magic as Kevin and Alison sit on the couch, glasses in hand, talking about their holiday. He is worried that Sally might not agree to babysit over the weekend but Alison has the perfect solution! "Why don't we take the gurls with us?" she coos, and Kevin is both taken aback and pleasantly surprised by her enthusiasm. "Ok", he smiles, "We'll book the holiday and we'll take the gurls with us"... Yay! :)

Back in the pub, Vera is now quite royally plastered. If one didn't know better, one would expect she had taken a sip or two of Alan Milewcyzk's truly remarkable home-brew to get into this state. ;)) She stumbles to the bar and accuses Natalie of being a witch, telling her that just because HER husband is dead doesn't mean that she can come between Jack and Vera! (?) More absurd nonsense spewed forth from the Mouth Of Duck but at least this time she does have the excuse of intoxication, I suppose... Anyway, we wrap up the show's proceedings at a nearby table, where Rita and Slimy Sally are chatting away. Sal says that her solicitor has told her that, providing she can find a place to live, she shouldn't have a problem winning custody of the gurrrls and that "revenge" shall be her's... Please! Spare me!

Cue credits.

This episode was written by Peter Whalley and was not one of his best, to be honest. In fact, in comparison to the recent spate of excellence we've been experiencing on the Street, it was quite dire. We still have the wonderful developments between Kevin and Alison, which are something of a joy to watch, but in this episode, that was about all. On the downside, we had to suffer the total drivel of the Duckworths (which is a shame, since I *really* do like these two except when they're given junk like this to work with), an excess of 2 seconds featuring Adam Rickitt (torture!) and a few merely fair-to-middlin' transitory scenes (ie: Martin and his job, Leanne and her holiday).

Highlight of the show? Fred Elliot and his line about kidneys and braising steak. John Savident is an actor and a half of the highest order and, even in a matter of 5 or 6 lines, managed to shine.

The Rattler

This Monday Update was sponsored by Iced Earth (what I was listening to) and Stella Artois (what I was drinking...)


Wednesday 20 January

Late again, huh? And this time I've been beaten by Tinky's Friday update - the shame, the shame!

This week's delay was due to a jaunt up to Newcastle, where Tyne-Tees Television were making pilots of a new daytime chatshow format which they hope will save the skin of the struggling company. They were taking the opportunity to evaluate possible presenters; four recordings being made with a hired studio audience armed with bottles of Brown Ale (OK I made that bit up) and "Hosts" and "Guests" rotating around. It was all great fun and an interesting insight into the way these programmes work, including the audience plants. One such plant, called Bill, was doing an excellent impersonation of an irate red-faced old buffer, though behind the scenes he was perfectly charming and even gave me a big kiss! Somehow I don't think I would be in the same league as the likes of Donna McPhail though - she was very nice too, though she showed a more aggressive side at the overnight hotel, the Malmaison, which was full of drunken and foul-mouthed professional snooker players up for an international tournament. One Jimmy White made a pass at Donna and was given short shrift! I went to bed fairly early but it must have been a lively night to have the Navy send in the gunboats - a frigate was parked on the quay opposite the hotel in the morning!

Anyway, time presses, so lets join our old friends in Weatherfield, where excitement reigns at Maison Ashley.

Leanne comes running down the stairs flailing her arms - she's freezing. Ashley suggests that she'd better get used to a bit of cold if she's going to Canada. Nick tries to console her with the thought that he'll keep her warm, but she's in such high spirits that she tells him she's thinking of asking Mrs Bishop if she can borrow her thermals. Nick, horrified and with no sense of irony, looks alarmed, but she reassures him that she was only joking. Ashley says that if he was going on holiday in January he'd go somewhere he could take clothes off not put more on (how unadventurous, this update is being written by somebody who once spent two weeks in Shetland in January for a holiday, and although it was very windy and very cold, had a brilliant time!). Nick tries to be even more encouraging, they can go skiing and Uncle Stephen has a Ski-doo. This dampens Leanne's enthusiasm, she's not paddling up some icy river in the middle of winter! But Nick patiently explains that a Ski-doo is not a canoe but a kind of motorbike on skis. "Honestly, it's wicked!" he says, which I am assured is a compliment amongst young folks today! (And if anybody has never driven a Ski-doo I can tell you that he's quite right, it's terrific fun!) Ashley has one more tease for Leanne as he goes off - "Do us a favour, just keep your eye out for them polar bears Leanne!".

Leanne, however, is really looking forward to her holiday. "I'm the first Battersby to get past Torremolinos!" But there's a problem, she's only asked Rita for one week off and it's very short notice to ask for three. "Well, forget about Rita!" says Nick. "Let her get somebody else to mark up the papers, we're catching that 8 o'clock flight to Canada and I don't care what anybody says!"

Rita's flat. Enter Sally in her dressing gown, reading a letter. She says nothing, but an evil smile steals slowly across her face.

Out in the street, Kevin is leaving his house looking thoughtful and anxious. He is greeted with a chirpy "Morning!" from Alison. "What's up with you?" she inquires. "You look like somebody's put treacle in your axle grease!" Kevin cheers up in the company of his new beloved, and explains that he's just had a letter from the solicitors giving a date in February for the custody hearing. Alison, who is a little fazed by this, puts on a brave face, she is sure everything will turn out all right. And he, too, tries to make light of it. "What judge in his right mind is going to award them to a mother who's bunking up with her friend?" And of course the holiday is still on, he mentioned to the girls about all going away together and they were really keen. They don't know where they're going yet, but Alison suggests "one of those dome places" (not the Millennium Dome surely!) "In the woods that have got swimming pools and everything". One of her friends took her kids to one of those and it sounded like loads of fun. She'll get a brochure and the two of them can look at it in the Rovers at dinner time. They kiss, and Alison pauses to smile after Kevin as he walks away.

Vera is carefully putting on lipstick in the back of the Rovers. Jack remarks "You'd be better off getting the undertaker to do it!" She looks at him quizzically. "Well, they make up dead bodies don't they? The stuff you put down your neck last night, you look like the living dead!". Clearly, Jack is disgusted with his wife, but she's battling on. "I've every right to drown my sorrows!" she maintains, " after the way I've been treated by Snooty Spice in there". She pauses slightly. "Yes, and by me 'usband!", she snipes. Jack protests, can Vera really see him with a bucket in one hand and a duster in t'other, cleaning the place? But there's no stopping Vera now she's in full flight. "Well, you hump the crates out of the cellar eh? And mop the floor with your tongue while you're at it." Vera is going to go down to the Jobcentre to get herself a decent job.

They are interrupted by the arrival of Natalie, who is carrying a pile of account books and needs the table to work at. This is all Vera needs to shift up a gear. "Well that'd be true to form wouldn't it! First of all she pushes us out of us job, then our 'ome, now it's the table! Why don't you push us off th'end of a cliff while you're at it?" An embarrassed Jack tries in vain to calm Vera, while Natalie is exasperated by the onslaught - she needs to assert herself at the Rovers and not be trampled on by the Duckworths, at the same time she's tried to be nice and failed, the gloves are off. "Vera," she says, "at the rate you're going you won't need a push!" And she, Natalie, never wants to see a repeat of the scene in the bar last night. Vera becomes ever more snide. "Why? I were only enjoying myself. Don't you want people to enjoy themselves in your pub?" - spitting out the "your". Natalie is close to losing her temper. She points out that if Vera was behind the bar she wouldn't tolerate behaviour like that. Vera snaps back, "But I weren't were I? And who's fault's that". Natalie's temper finally gives. And how are they getting on finding somewhere to live, she demands. Vera isn't finished. "Well don't ask me, " she shouts, "you'd better ask our Jack! I'm going to be too busy trying to find myself a decent job!" She storms out. Natalie looks wearily at Jack. Jack looks wearily at Natalie.

Rita is stacking magazines at the Kabin. She seems in an impatient mood, so it's not a good time for Leanne to do what she now has to do, broach the subject of extra leave with her. But she takes a deep breath and does so anyway. "Well, me and Nick have decided that we are going on holiday!" Rita is pleased. It just came out of the blue - Nick went and booked the tickets. For Canada... Canada comes as a surprise to Rita, but she's pleased anyway. But Canada is a heck of a long way to go just for a week. Ay, there's the rub! Leanne nervously grits her teeth and ventures forward. "Well, actually it's three weeks...". Rita is pulled up short. Three weeks! But Leanne only asked for one! But Rita supposes that she can manage. The look of pleasure on Leanne's face is a delight to see and anyway, perhaps Ken can help out while she's away. When is Leanne going. Tonight? This is almost too much for Rita to take!

Sally is in the caff, poring over a newspaper with a cup of tea in her hand. She circles items in the "Accommodation To Let" section. Gail's interest is aroused as she passes. "Househunting?" she asks. Yes, says Sally excitedly, and she's heard from the solicitors, with a date for the hearing that will decide where the girls are going to live. "I've got to find a place of my own," she tells Gail, "if the girls are going to be with their mother. Where they belong!". Gail doesn't think Kevin will see it quite that way, but Sally is adamant. "Mmm, well that's Kevin's problem. Children belong with their mother. Kevin might not accept that yet but he'll have to after the court tells him so!" The evil smile creeps over her face again as she rises to leave the caff.

As she leaves she crosses with Linda, entering. Linda sees Nita sitting at a table and joins her, rather sulkily. "Oh, you are pleased to see me then are you?" Because she got a cool reception from her old school friend at the corner shop the other day. Like Nita didn't want to know her. Nita makes her excuses, the boss doesn't like new staff chatting with their mates in working hours. This prompts Linda to have a go at bosses in general and her own in particular "You should try ours on for size - Baldwin!" she says as she pulls out the Golden Virgins tin and begins rolling. "Do you know, if he could get away with it he'd have us in leg irons at them machines". Anyway, how come Nita isn't working for her dad? Nita laughs nervously, she's going to be late for work, and she leaves. Hmm, something fishy going on here.

Nick comes in as Nita leaves, and greets Gail. He just wants to tell her that he and Leanne are just popping off on holiday. "I hope you're not going to spend all your granddad's money!" she cautions. No, they're just popping off for three weeks with Uncle Stephen in Canada. "And what about college?" demands Gail. It'll still be there when they get back, says Nick. "It's only a couple of thousand, you're still going to need a career" continues Mum. But of course, as mothers will, she's worrying too much.

Alison and Kevin are whiling away the lunch break in the Rovers, poring over brochures. "A tropical paradise right in the middle of an English winter" enthuses Alison. They're getting excited about their holiday away and the girls will love it, though Kevin counsels caution, they'd better see if they can book it before they get too excited, it might be full. She hopes not, she's really looking forward to it. Although she'd better be getting back to work as "old Baldwin will be on the doorstep with his whip". Dear me, Mike is getting some stick tonight and he's not even there to answer back!

Jack comes through with a crate which he leaves with Martin on the bar. Natalie asks him if he's in charge of househunting while Vera's out looking for a job. "And where's the new Duckworth Towers going to be then?" she nags. "Have you seen any likely properties?" No, not really says Jack, he's been too busy in the Rovers and anyway, there's doesn't seem to be any immediate hurry, Natalie seems quite happy over the road. Natalie soon puts him right. No, she belongs in the pub, it's her name over the door. So the sooner she's in lock, stock and barrel, the better. "The clock's ticking, Jack" she warns, menacingly.

Gail comes in with Spider following diffidently behind. She is greeted fulsomely by Martin behind the bar. "Ah Madame, your usual?" It's on the house, naturally. As Martin goes to get the drinks, Lorraine appears and addresses Spider. "You've got a nerve, coming in here, haven't you?" It's still his local, protests the hapless Spider. And his principles only stand in the way of him working there, not drinking there. Martin returns. He'd have one himself, he said, only he's not supposed to flirt with the customers, that being the landlady's privilege I suppose. Gail is in gossipy mood and tells Martin all about Nick and Leanne going off to Canada, just like that, Martin is very pleased to hear it, and would they take them with them, seeing as he has a lot of free time on his hands? Nervously he corrects himself as Natalie appears at his shoulder with a businesslike air. "Apart from pulling the odd pint".

Natalie wants to ask Gail if she can borrow her husband this evening. As she does so she puts a flirtatious arm round Martin. "Best offer I've had all day!" says the latter. "Only because," adds Natalie, pointedly, "I've been a bit let down". Spider at this point looks annoyed and walks away. Gail smiles sweetly and accedes to Natalie's request. As Natalie walks away she says waspishly to her husband "The sooner you get a proper job the better"

Jack remarks to Natalie that he's had a flash of pure genius - why don't they swap houses? But Natalie wants to sell, not rent. Jack insists that it would only be a temporary arrangement. And he knows that our Vera has been rubbing Natalie up the wrong way lately, but Natalie won't hold it against her will she? "Well, it's pretty hard not to!" remarks Natalie. But Jack tries to soothe her. "When she's not breathing fire, she's nowt but a frightened old woman.

In the Kabin, Rita is on the phone while Leanne looks on anxiously. Apparently Rita is not having much luck finding help. "Ken can't do it either, he's got some supply teaching on". Leanne is getting panicky. There must be somebody who can do it!" At this point Les enters. Surely not... No, he gets a fierce glare from Rita and not much more comfort from his daughter. As she gracelessly fetches his cigarettes Leanne announces in a matter-of-fact tone that she's going on holiday tonight. "What?" he says, disbelieving, "In January?" He hopes it's not Blackpool where the wind whistles straight through you, but no, it's to visit Nick's Uncle Stephen in Canada. "Canada?" he quips. "Listen, I hope he lives in a proper house and not one of them igloo things". Leanne is impatient. "It's his uncle, Dad, he's not an Eskimo" [Canadian readers will probably wish to correct me here and tell me that a Canadian Eskimo is an Inuit. Well, I know that and you know that but I bet Leanne doesn't!]

Les spots an opening. "Hey, who'll be helping you out Rita? I mean if you're stuck I'm always available" he blusters. Rita's withering look says NO CHANCE even before she can get her next words in. "After the stroke you pulled with Martin I wouldn't trust you to wash behind your ears!" Les slinks off. That seems to make Rita's mind up for her. "Never mind if he is family, if you can still get sackcloth and ashes he should have himself measured for a suit in it. What time's this plane of yours? Eight o'clock? You'd better get yourself off home and start packing" Leanne is so overjoyed and relieved she just about dances a jig on the spot. "Eh," adds Rita before she can completely dance off, "and do me a big favour - bring me back one of them Mounties!". Leanne skips off as Rita picks up the phone again and dials. Can Sharon do her a big favour?

INTERMISSION

Nita is wielding the pricing gun in the corner shop. "How often does Mr Elliott put his prices up?" she inquires of Maude. "As often as he thinks he can get away with it. Why?" Nita is just a fraction too slow in covering herself. She was just wondering, that's all. He doesn't seem to be all that bothered about profit. "He'd charge people for the air that they breathe if he thought he could stick a price tag on it!" says Maude. So how come the flat upstairs is empty? It's not good business sense to let it stand empty. Well, it wasn't until recently, the last tenant was turned out for not paying his rent, was Nita thinking of renting it? Again she has to cover her tracks. No, of course not, she says, she was just curious, that's all.

Natalie stands with arms folded, surveying her new domain. Lorraine confronts her. "Just because you own this place doesn't mean you can stand around doing nothing!". "It doesn't mean I have to take cheek off my staff either!" ripostes Natalie. She's just thinking about something Jack said. That's a first!" says Lorraine, "Jack Duckworth being thought-provoking!". But Natalie's thinking about his suggestion of renting Des's house, not such a bad idea with a really watertight short-term lease. Lorraine picks this up quickly, she'll have it then. "Why not? It's about time I got somewhere proper". But Natalie protests that Lorraine couldn't afford a proper rent. Spider, meanwhile, is alert to this exchange. Give her a couple of days, says Lorraine, and maybe she can sort something out.

Cut to Kevin, sitting thoughtfully reading the brochure, and not too happy. Sally approaches him. "Kevin?" she says. "Sally?" he replies, languidly. Trying to be severe, she asks if he's heard about the hearing. He just hopes it's quick and painless. He was going to talk to her about the holiday - he was thinking of taking the girls away for a few days. Amazingly, she agrees, thinks it could do them some good. And bitchily she adds "I think you should make more of the time you've got with the girls. Come February they'll be coming back to me". And she smiles that evil smile again.

Vera comes into the caff, evidently in some pain. Her feet, she proclaims to anybody within earshot, are killing her. She doesn't know about these people who walk on hot coals, they ought to try trekking round Weatherfield looking for a job. She holds up her pungent shoes for all to see and smell. "No luck Vera?" asks Gail, sympathetically. "Luck?" asks Vera, "Luck's what that jammy beggar, that Natalie Barnes, gets delivered every morning on her doorstep in bottles." She could cry, could Vera, when she thinks about what Natalie's done after all the help she and Jack gave her. Gail says she is sorry Martin has to work for her, but they do need the money now he's out of a job. Vera tells Gail that she'll have to keep trying, but "the only trouble is they expect you to have a degree in computers just to work at a cash-out." Will Gail need any help? No luck. What about her mother? Gail didn't know Vera was a hairdresser, but "Oh aye, yes, I can use scissors, ever since I worked at Baldwins". Trying hard not to giggle, Gail tells her she thinks Audrey has all the help she needs, with Maxine.

Les is dismayed to see Martin behind the bar of the Rovers. He approaches Linda, offering her a fiver to get him a pint and one for herself, but Linda is having none of it. "I know all about you from Janice, you can get your own drink". Thwarted, Les approaches Martin and sheepishly asks for a pint. "Not off me you won't" says Martin, smirking. Natalie comes up quickly to defuse the potentially ugly situation. (I must say, I'm really impressed with the way Natalie appears to be in command of things, she'd make a good teacher I think). She sends Martin to serve Kevin while she deals with Les herself.

Kevin suggests to Martin that if Les had any senses he'd go and drink elsewhere. But, says Martin, "that's the problem, he hasn't got any sense!"

Lorraine apologises to Spider for blowing her top the other night. She'd like to make it up to him. How, Spider wants to know, is she going to do that, because maybe he hasn't forgotten and maybe he'll need a lot of making up really. But she has something in mind - Natalie has said she'd lend her Des's house for Friday night. And there's something they really need to talk about...

How's things with Kevin, Martin wants to know. Kevin tells him that he thought things were looking up. Why, what's wrong? "Nothing, yet" says Kevin, "that's the trouble, don't want to spoil things". Would Martin be right in thinking there was a woman involved? Too right, Alison! They're going away for the weekend and taking the girls, but he's not sure it's such a good idea, the girls hardly know Alison. But they do like her. Kevin hasn't told Sally about the arrangement yet, but Martin suggests he'd better do it!

Leanne rushes into the corner shop in a hurry and grabs a box of Ty-Phoo teabags. A blatant piece of product placement this, Ty-Phoo is a Cadbury-Schweppes product. Whatever's the rush, Maude wants to know. Leanne is worried that there won't be tea in Canada, they only drink coffee don't they? Nita comes up and says she would die without her morning cuppa. After Leanne has gone, Maude remarks on how well Nita gets on with the customers. Just being friendly, she says, but perchance she's done this before? They congratulate each other on the spirit of the corner shop - "Giving people what they want to buy, and giving them a bit of a smile on top."

Kevin enters the Kabin, where Rita tells him that she's sent Leanne home to pack but she's now got Sharon to help out while she's away. Has Rita seen Sally? Only Kevin needs to talk to her, and he's got an emergency callout, and he needs to get Sally to pick up the girls from school. No problem, says Rita, she'll talk to Sally, Kevin can collect the girls from the flat and talk to Sally then.

Martin is home and annoyed. He thought working in the Rovers might be a good idea, but he's not so sure now, it never crossed his mind he'd have to serve Les Battersby. Although of course, as Gail points out, he does live across the road and Nick is married to his daughter, so they'll just have to cope somehow. Martin folds his arms and furrows his face "You need the United Nations to cope with this lot". Gail tries to reassure him, he'll soon get a job. Gail met Vera, she'd been all over Weatherfield looking for a job, but at least Martin's got qualifications. "Well, I hope I get a job soon, before I serve Les Battersby a pint with a creamy head of bog cleaner!.

Gail is peering round the curtains. Excitedly, "It's Nick, he's going for his plane". They rush outside to where Ashley is helping load the cab and struggling with Leanne's bag. What's she got in it? "Me jumpers. And Janice's. And Toyah's". Giggle.

Sally, who is walking down the street with Rosie and Sophie, spots the party preparing to leave. "Hey, look," she says, brightly, and with a broad smile, "Nick and Leanne are off on their holidays!". "We're going on a holiday too" says Rosie. "And Alison's coming too!" says Sophie. "Alison?" asks Sally, still smiling, "who's Alison? Is that one of your friends from school? Hey, that'll be nice!" "No," corrects Rosie, "Alison's dad's girlfriend!" That wipes the smile from Sally's face. Flippin' kids!

Amid lots of hugs, Nick and Leanne depart. "A honeymoon at last!" says Nick. "I love you!" says moonstruck Leanne. At least, I think that's what she said.

Sally sits stonily in Rita's flat as Rita leads Kevin in. "Sally picked the girls up all right Kevin". "Thanks for passing on the message Rita" says Kevin, just before he makes eye contact with Sally, who adds, frostily, "It's a shame I had to get the rest of it from the girls". There is an awkward silence before, at Sally's prompting, Rita leads the girls in to the kitchen with a promise of chocolate biscuits. Whereupon Sally raise to her feet, arms folded aggressively, and demands "Who's Alison then?" She turns away from Kevin, unable to look at him. They told her then, did they? he asks with resignation. Sally resumes the onslaught. Wasn't he going to tell her then? Wasn't it worth mentioning that he was going to take them on holiday with some strange woman? Kevin has an answer ready. "It didn't seem to bother you when you had them cooped up in that flat with Greg Kelly!" Well, she says, that's all the more reason why she wants to know who Alison is. Why? You know her! says Kevin. Sally struggles to think. Kevin explains to her that she used to work with Alison at Underworld. The penny drops. "Alison Wakefield? asks Sally incredulously. Yes, says Kevin, she's great with the girls, and they like her. Sally rants on. "You've got me in a corner now, haven't you, right where you wanted me! I can hardly turn round and tell them they can't go!" The net closes inexorably on tragic Sally. "You've manipulated me Kevin and I won't forget it!"

Vera returns to the Rovers, looking worn out. Nobody wants a pensioner, they want somebody fresh from school" she tells Jack. He tries to persuade her of her qualifications from the University of Life. She sobs as Natalie appears, mercilessly. "So, the jobseeker returns! So when do you take over as Chairman of British Steel?" she asks, cruelly. "It's all very well for you, wheedling your way into t'Rovers!" says Vera. "I'll tell you this, if it wasn't for me and our Jack you'd still be a leper around here! 'Cos until we give you a job they thought you were lower than a snake's belly". She's a witch, insists Vera. She's put a curse on everyone she's come in contact with. Poor Kevin and Sally, then Des...

Natalie, not surprisingly, has had more than her fill of Vera's whining and loses her temper completely. Jack had asked her about renting Des's house and she didn't think it was such a bad idea. But now she'd rather see them in a bus shelter under last week's chip paper. Vera would rather live in a bus shelter than be grateful to Natalie. "And I'll tell you what, me and 'im will be out of here first thing in t'morning!"

"Good!" shouts Natalie.

Jack looks at Vera, mortified, as the title music plays and the credits roll

Script by Phil Ford, sponsored by Cadbury's Caramel (and Ty-Phoo tea)

Well, there you are! Not much apparently happening, but actually there was lots going on, as the seventeen A4 pages of closely written notes on my desk will testify, and it was all very satisfying, not at all dull. And very well acted indeed, and very well put together. Lots of fine performances, none standing out above the others, so with my usual caprice my weekly award goes to Jane Danson, because she looked very engaging tonight and because we won't see her for another three weeks, and because she is a fine young actress who has convincingly portrayed the transition of Leanne from adolescent tearaway to mature young woman over the last year or so.

Bye for this week

Rosalind


Friday 22 January

Hiya folks!!!! ...

Time again for another update.... So, what's been happening. Well, after the JubblyPing weekend, my IRC pal Jubbly decided to come up to Manchester with her mum and auntie to do the Granada Street Tour. Tuesday afternoon they arrived and off we went to Granadaland.. only to find it shut! Doh!!! None of us had read the blurb which indicated that in January, the place is only open at weekends. Grrr!! Anyway, a hastily convened plan B resulted in a tour round the new mall, the Trafford Centre. God laughs were had by all for what turned out to be a very enjoyable afternoon. Granada will have to wait...

Trude's lion-taming act at school continues. As I have mentioned previously, these youngsters are from very deprived backgrounds, with some horrendous conditions at home. Every day seems to veer from extreme frustration to uncontrollable hilarity. One 7-year old youngster with some quite serious behavioural problems was told by Trude that if he persisted, he would be sent back to the Nursery part of the school - his reply? "I couldn't give a monkeys!" That's at the age of seven - heaven knows what he will be like when he's older.

On an apparently unrelated theme, a dear friend of mine was telling me about some of the flack she is experiencing in her job right now. The activity in which she is involved is in the Medical field and was previously carried out by a Government department - not too long ago, it was devolved locally, but under the regulatory control of a Government agency. A lapse in a secondary testing procedure meant a recall of the product, to ensure public safety - fine as it goes. Since then, the terms of the recall have been extended dramatically, without any justification, other than making politicians look good and look as if they are taking some action. The staff are already under siege, working long hours as part of the recall and the pressure on them is to be further increased. Their feelings of self-esteem have already taken a battering and now they are being asked to work harder still, with the threat of the closure of the local centre.

I have seen this in my wife's profession as a teacher when the National Curriculum was introduced - the idea was laudable enough, making sure youngsters had a fair crack of the whip and had the benefits of a decent education. The people who were to deliver this, the teachers, were treated by the government of the day as the enemy, with the result that there was a mass exodus of experience teachers leaving the profession, heavily demoralised in some cases and an unprecedented increase in nervous problems, such as stress and mental breakdowns.

More recently, this has hit my profession as well, when, in an effort to overcompensate against the lapses of the few, the whole profession has been under siege, creaking under the weight of tons of pointless paperwork.

What is the common thread? Self-esteem, of course. Most of us have a need to feel wanted and to belong and to feel we are playing a worthwhile part. It's interesting extending that to the current plotlines in the Street and examining the effect.

Vera isn't one of life's hardest workers and is often her own worst enemy. Despite that, she has feelings and it cannot be pleasant to feel unwanted. The introduction of Alison into the Sally/Kevin storyline will produce all sorts of resentments and perceived threats, Alison wondering whether Kevin's feelings for Sally have truly disappeared, Sally worrying about the appearance of someone who could replace her in her daughters' affections. Ashley, now trying to develop a relationship with Nita, but feeling inadequate. Martin, having experience a big dent to his professional pride, worrying whether his one lapse may cost him his career.

It's undoubtedly a sign of the times that perception has taken on a higher value than substance. I don't yearn for a return to the old days, but I would welcome a more sensible balance between the two. No qualms on this score, though, when we face the latest episode of Coronation Street, which continues to delight in the quality of its writing and acting.

Anyway.... enough of that....

Episode sponsored by Cadbury's Caramel

The episode commences at the Rovers - Jack and Vera are coming downstairs and, as usual, they are not in agreement. Vera has taken umbrage at Natalie's comments and has decided she isn't wanted - Jack, on the other hand, is begging her to reconsider. Reconsider what? Well, the rather drastic step of moving out of the Rovers. She still has some pride left, she tells Jack, but he is more bothered about the small matter of them not having anywhere to go. She doesn't view it as a problem, telling him that they will simply have to find somewhere, sharpish!

Natalie shows her face in the middle of this argy-bargy to ask what is going on. Yet again, two points of view are expressed, with Vera telling her "We're leaving" and Jack saying "No, we're not!" This pantomime continues when Vera asks Jack to get the other suitcase, but he refuses. Natalie tells Vera that she is silly moving out when she has nowhere to go, but Vera will not stay after the words which were exchanged the previous night. Natalie makes it clear that Vera should understand she can go, as long as she realises she is not being thrown out. Vera tells her that everyone knows Natalie is throwing them out - yet again, Natalie denies this, they are perfectly welcome to stay until they have found somewhere else, but Vera throws her words back with a sneer "perfectly welcome, oh come on!" She wonders how Natalie can live with herself, "I'm a pensioner and he's practically disabled with his back" pointing towards Jack. (This reminds me of the tale at one of Trude's previous schools where a child said "my dad was in bed all weekend" - Trude's reply of "I'm sorry to hear that, is he ill?" was met with the response of "NO!!! Bone Idle"!!!!) Natalie will not stand any false accusations and makes it clear that if she hears Vera has been spreading stories that they have been booted out, then there will be trouble. "Oh, shurrup, you tart!" is Vera's considered response - Jack grimaces, as, yet again, Vera hasn't known when to keep her big gob zipped up - Vera's lack of diplomatic skills prompts Natalie to ask for the keys to the premises. Vera deliberately makes sure, as she hands the keys over, that they fall to the ground. "Go on, let's see you grovel" she taunts. Natalie bites her lip, as Vera picks up her case and goes out of the door. Behind her, Jack is embarrassed, but has no option other than to follow his wife. Civilly, he hands his set of keys to Natalie and tells her that he will be back for his pigeons when, if, he finds somewhere to stay.

As he leaves through the back door into the yard, the door slams behind them, provoking another row between Jack and Vera. He wants to know where they are going to go now. "Anywhere, as far away from here as we can get" replies Vera, to which Jack says, sarcastically, "we'll get a couple of tents and go in the park." Full of recriminations Jack blames Vera's "big trap", Vera blames Natalie "she's a tramp." Does it solve the problem? No way, as we come to the end of the dreams and high hopes that Jack and Vera had when they first moved into the Rovers.

At the Malletts', the siege continues - the one involving two babies, sleep deprivation and a whole lot of juggling. Each is attending to a baby and it is clear they are stretched to breaking point. To add to their woes, the front door opens and enter Vera carrying a suitcase, closely followed by Jack. "You're not gonna believe this, she's only gone and chucked us out" Vera tells them as she dumps her case on the floor. She couldn't think of anywhere else to go, she tells them, but Jack looks mighty embarrassed, recognising that the Malletts have their hands full. Gareh and Judeh are also embarrassed, in their case, not knowing how to turn down friends. Judeh suggests the obvious answer to all the problems "Gareh, put the kettle on." As Gareh gets up to do so, he hands the baby he has been holding in his arms to Jack. He offers his seat to Vera. She is totally preoccupied with her predicament and tells the Mallets that she cannot believe what is happening to them and that they are homeless, after all they did for her (Natalie) and gave her a job when nobody would. When Jack tries to point out that Natalie did say they could stay, Vera will not accept it. Her continued ranting starts to upset the babies, who begin to cry. Judy tries to distract her by offering her breakfast - Vera, totally insensitive to the difficulties facing the Malletts is on the point of agreeing, but Jack can read the situation for what it is and suggests going to the caf, getting a paper and finding some Bed and Breakfast accommodation. Suddenly, he grimaces and says to Gary "I think this one's laid an egg, son" and passes the hot potato back to Gary.

Outside the garage, Alison and Kevin are exchanging a kiss, before Alison goes to work. As she departs, we see Jealous Spice aka Sally coming along. She wants to complain. What's new? She doesn't think it's a good idea the girls going away with someone they don't know very well - Kevin is not amused by her hypocrisy and points out that she didn't consider it when the girls were in the flat with Greg, a "psycho". Sally tries to make out it's exactly because of that bad experience that she wants Kevin to reconsider - she thinks it's unfair them having to spend some time with someone they don't know very well. Kevin agrees with her - fortunately the problem will not arise, he tells her, as they get on with Alison like a house on fire. Ask them what they think of her, says Kevin!! Touch! She continues in her quest and says that anybody can be pleasant to somebody else's kids for five minutes, but this is the wrong thing for her to say, as Kevin points out that Greg Kelly couldn't. "We're going away! End of story!! And you should be hoping they have a good time after all they've been through!!" Game, set and match!!

At the Malletts', Jack is busy on the phone trying to sort out some accommodation. He's got four places to see and a few more if they're no good, he tells Vera, who by now is feeding one of the Baby Malletts with a bottle. Vee is still preoccupied by the fate that has befallen them but Jack tries to reassure her that they will be able to work something out, they still have thirty grand in the bank. Vera throws that back in his face, they wouldn't even have that if he had had his way. Recognising this is a battle he cannot win, Jack exchanges knowing glances with Judeh and departs on his quest.

Vera wistfully recalls that thirty grand is what the Malletts paid for the house and how happy she was in the house. Sometimes she wishes they had never left. Judeh sighs.

At Elliott's Emporium, Spider is propping up the counter talking to Maud. Enter Ashley, all bright and breezy - "get your coat on, Nita" is the message. He has been instructed by Fred to take Nita to the Wholesalers and they only have an hour. Nita doesn't look too keen and looks for a way out - Maud cannot be left to cope on her own. That argument is swiftly demolished. Ashley, in reassuring mood, tells her there is nothing much to it, it's just a matter of knowing where everything is. Nita puts on her coat, complaining that she didn't realise that she would have to do that sort of thing. "It's fun," points out Maud, "besides, it'll get you out of the shop." Nita takes her scarf and covers her face with it. The others look at her, somewhat surprised, but she explains that she has a sore throat. Ashley and Nita depart, leaving Spider with Maud.

Spider is looking all bothered and confesses to Maud that he is going round to Lorraine's for a meal and he is hoping that she will suggest that they finish going out together. "I want her to, I'm bored out of my skull with her," he confesses.

Alison and Linda are at the caf. Linda is doing her usual, pointing out the negatives in things. This time, it's a put down of the weekend away that Kevin is going to have with Alison and the girls - and it's the girls who are the problem, in Linda's eyes. They are going to get in the way of a mucky weekend away, she tells Alison. But Alison is a saint and that sort of break is ideal for the little ones. She couldn't put up with that, continues Linda. Well, you could, if you were serious about someone, says Alison. Linda picks up on this and teases Alison "oh serious?" - when Alison tells her that the kids are quite sweet, Linda doesn't see it lasting - eventually the kids will compare her to their mum. Alison refuses to be put off.

At the counter in the caf, there are two parallel universes - never the twain shall meet. Martin is ready for his interview with the nursing agency - he is nervous. Gail, on the other hand, is totally oblivious to his feelings and is twittering on about how Nick and Leanne will be landing in Toronto right now. "Are you gonna wish me luck?" asks Martin, but Gail is still twittering on. Roy has been listening to Martin - he comments how smart Martin looks and, finding out that it's for an interview, wishes him good luck. The two universes conjoin temporarily as Gail reckons Martin will not need luck, he will be fine, but Martin is concerned what will happen if they ask - which is highly likely - why he left his last job. Martin and Gail kiss goodbye and he leaves the caf for his interview.

As Martin leaves, Sally comes into the caf - she orders a chip butty and a cup of tea. Looking around the caf, she sees Alison and Linda. She comes over to them and announces that she is not happy with the girls going away with Alison and Kevin. When Alison tells her that the girls deserve a break, Sally points out that what Kevin and Alison do is up to them, but, in future, the girls are to be left with her. Alison retorts that this is an issue for Sally and Kevin to sort out, but Sally is insistent, she doesn't want them to plan another trip like this without informing her - she warns Alison that if she does anything to upset the girls, she will be onto her like a ton of bricks. Linda butts in and tells Sally that she is addressing the wrong person and that Alison is "as soft as doings - she's got an NVQ in being a pushover!" (NVQ stands for National Vocational Qualification, a non-academic vocational qualification route.) Alison promises to look after the girls, to which Sally replies uncompromisingly "you'd better". After she has moved away, Linda comments to Alison that she is a saint and that she wouldn't go anywhere near a fella with kids, this is what it's like going out with a fella with kids, you are bound to get the wife coming at you in public and laying the law down. The look on Alison's face is one of realisation of the hassles involved in that situation.

At the Malletts', Jack is telling Vera about accommodation he has seen, he wouldn't ask a mad dog to stay in some of those places, some landlords get away with murder. Vera knows they are going to have go somewhere, but, yet again, it's blame time as Jack tells her they could have stayed put - it would have been better than some of the places he has seen. Judeh asks what they are going to do and Jack replies that they will keep looking and if they don't get anywhere they could always go to a letting agency. Vera isn't pleased as this would mean paying through the nose. When Jack asks what the alternative is, Vera goes into a rant of what they have been reduced to - who would have believed it, they had their own house, their own business, they should never have sold out to Alec Gilroy, that's when the rot set in. Jack reminds her that they had to at the time, because it was the only way forward, but Vera is wise with hindsight, she is sure they could have come up with a better alternative. Vera moans about how they have always "cocked everything up" and this is enough for Jack to take his cue and go to view the next property, which is only round the corner. After he has left, a despondent Vera asks Judeh that, if the worst comes to the worst, could they stay with them tonight. Poor Judeh is pushed into a corner and, not wanting to kick a friend when they are down, agrees. The relief of Vera's face is counterbalanced by the look of horror on Judeh's.

Outside, Jack is crossing a road and, finding the property, opens the gate to a rather nice looking house. He presses the doorbell and a few moments later, the door is opened by an attractive middle-aged woman. She smiles at Jack. He smiles back. "Mr Duckworth? I'm Eunice. Would you like to come inside?" He does so....

... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1

After the ads, it's part 2
The second part of the programme commences at Eunice Gee's bed and breakfast guest house. She is showing Jack his room - "nicest room in the house" - and demonstrating how comfy the bed is - "lovely bed, you can feel the quality. Come and have a feel". She asks how long his stay is likely to be, but he doesn't know - he is between properties, it could be a couple of days or a couple of weeks. She tells him she once knew a Duckworth and asks for his first name. "Well Jack, breakfast is at 8 and when I say breakfast, I mean a proper cooked breakfast, I don't just sling a loaf of white sliced through the letterbox and expect you to get on with it, not like some of them so." Jack is drooling and Eunice clearly has the measure of the man - the way to his heart is through his stomach. It's probably also the way to her bedroom, because she conveys the impression of a woman who likes her men. She continues, "I can see you're a man who likes his home comforts, you. Aren't you, Jack? Well, you've come to the right place. I'm very free and easy - rule wise, that is - when I take a shine, but there's one thing I ask people to remember - this IS my home." Jack is impressed with the find. She asks him for the verdict, "will it suit, or do you want to go away and think about it, or, I tell you what, Jack, why don't I make us some lunch and you can mull it over? Are you partial to drop of scotch at all?" Is the Pope Polish, I ask myself? Jack looks like the cat that's found the cream.

At Elliott's Emporium, Ashley has just returned from the wholesalers with Nita - he comments to Maud on how nearly every other face recognised her. Nita looks awkward, but makes out that it was only because she went to school with half of them. Ashley thinks that this is the reason why Nita didn't want to go to the wholesalers. When he asks Nita out for lunch, Maud points out that she hasn't had a break herself - she will just serve Lorraine and then go off for her lunch.

After Ashley has left, Lorraine comes over the counter and comments to Nita that she thinks Ashley fancies her. "Well, it won't do him much good" retorts Nita. "Well, you could do a lot worse" comments Maud. "I think I would have to go to the zoo" quips Nita, but Maud adds "he's a very nice lad."

Lorraine is wondering whether Maud has any candles for sale. She explains that she has Spider coming round for dinner and thought she would spoil him a bit. "That's nice" replies Maud in a non-committal way. Lorraine confides that she is thinking of asking Spider to move in with her. Maud looks awkward, having heard Spider's version of events and changes the topic.

At the Rovers, Spider is in mega-moan mood. He is bending Kevin's ear as to how he finds everything about Lorraine annoying these days. Kevin is amused as Spider says that, normally, when he is in a relationship, it is the girls who get fed up with him, but here, he cannot even remember what he saw in her in the first place.

Enter Ashley, full of the joys of spring come early - he joins the duo at the bar and orders a drink. Spider recognises the look on Ashley's face, "hang about, you're in love aren't you?" "Well, it's early days" responds Ashley. Spider advises that Ashley only thinks he is in love, if he tries really hard, he can talk himself out of it. Ashley doesn't want this advice and when asked who the other person is, refuses to be drawn.

The court jester, aka Les comes in. He orders a drink from Natalie and makes a cheap jibe about the whereabouts of his favourite barmaid. Natalie thinks he's talking about Lorraine and tells him it's her day off, but Les is in a witty mood, "no, Martin Platt, I mean." He is the only one who finds the quip amusing, as Kevin and Spider remain totally impassive.

Sally wanders into the pub. She wants a quick word with Kevin. She asks whether it would be acceptable for her to pick up the girls from school and take them for a burger, before he goes off with them for the weekend, as she will not see them until next Monday. Kevin thinks this is a great idea, it will give him a chance of doing some packing, as long as they are back for half five. He turns his back on her to indicate he has finished the conversation.

At Roy's Rolls, Judeh is telling an incredulous Roy and Gail how Natalie threw out Jack and Vera. She explains how Jack is looking for accommodation but she suspects that Vera would prefer to stay a few nights with them and how she has been going on about how happy she used to be in the house. When Gail asks whether Judeh has the room, Judeh admits she doesn't, but she has a dilemma, the Duckies are desperate. Roy feels that Judeh already has enough on her plate with two young babies, but Judeh cannot bring herself to let them down, although she thinks they would have noticed how tired she and Gareh both are. Roy maintains that sometimes the only way is to spell things out, but Judeh feels so mean, after all, they are homeless.

Martin returns from his interview. Gail tells him that Jack and Vera have been thrown out by his new employer. He comments that he is surprised it didn't happen sooner. Gail asks how he went on the interview. He doesn't look best pleased. Everything was going fine, until the inevitable question as to why he left his last job - he told them he resigned on principle after a disagreement with the management. When he was probed further at the interview, he found himself in a "no-win" situation, if he tells them he hangs himself, if he tells them he doesn't want to talk about it, the company assume the worst. "So he said he'd be in touch, and we all know what that means, don't we?"

Back at the Malletts, a slightly worse for wear Jack is extolling to Vera, the virtues of this B&B he has found and is telling her they could do a lot worse. Vera, cantankerous as ever, pulls him up for "supping" - while she has been fretting, he has been getting drunk. He tells her how Eunice offered him a spot of lunch and a small whiskey, but Vera is not impressed. Jack couldn't be rude, so they talked. When Vera asks what sort of woman is it who drinks with a total stranger, "friendly" is Jack's reply. This does not please Vera, who tells him she doesn't like the sound of Eunice. Jack reminds Vera that, in comparison to some of the places he has seen, the place is like and palace and he tells her to get her coat on and come with him to have a look.

Gareh comes in and asks how Jack has got on. He is surprised when Jack tells him he has found a place, "it's lovely" he says to Gareh, but for Vera's benefit. He tells Gareh they can move in straightaway and the place is only around the corner. Gareh is pleased and offers to give them a hand. Jack throws Vera's coat in her lap and goes out, followed by a furious Vera.

Sally has turned up with the girls outside Kevin's place. The door is opened by Alison. The girls are delighted to see Alison and Sally is clearly upset by their reaction. Alison asks whether they had a good day at school. Kevin comes to the door and sees the expression on Sally's face. Sally gathers enough grace to wish them a nice time - Kevin coldly thanks her for her wishes.

As Judeh turns the corner with the pram, she sees Gareh, Jack and Vera outside, carrying cases. They explain that they have found some accommodation and that Gareh is giving them a hand. Judeh tells them there was no need to move so quickly, they could have stayed, but Jack and Vera are grateful for the help they have received, saying that Gareh and Judeh have done enough.

In the Kabin, Sally is tearfully telling Rita what has just happened across the road. Rita points out that this is what happens when couples split up, but Sally moans about how the girls hardly know Alison. Rita reminds Sally that the girls' father will be with them. She tells Sally not to get too upset and admits that Alison has been in the shop a few times and has always seemed very pleasant. "I know, that's what's upsetting me, if I'm being honest" confides Sally, "the way they like her".

We are outside Eunice Gee's B&B. Jack is doing the introductions. "Right! Eunice, this is Vera and Gary. Vera, this is Eunice." Eunice is puzzled at three of them turning up. Jack explains that Gary is a friend who is helping them with their luggage. Eunice tells Jack that she thought he was on his own. While this is going on, Vera is eyeing up Eunice and seems to recognise her, "Don't I know you? You look ever so familiar." Eunice is continuing to explain this is why she prefers singles - couples cause a lot of problems. "It's Eunice Gee, she married Fred, who worked behind the bar at the Rovers" exclaims Vera. "Vera - you worked in the factory. I knew I knew a Duckworth" replies Eunice. Now that everyone knows each other, Eunice invites them all in for a cup of tea and moves in on Gary as he carries the luggage through the door. "Are you partial to a drop of scotch at all?" she asks. Gary accepts her offer telling her as far as he knows he isn't allergic to it and she eyes him up as he goes through the door. Definitely a lady with an appetite for the men.

Lorraine is entertaining Spider. Over a candlelit dinner, she says she feels they have not seen as much of each other recently. "No" is Spider's almost disinterested reply. She apologies for neglecting him, she has been busy with her course work.

She decides it's time to grasp the nettle - he is probably wondering why she asked him over tonight - "what do you think about moving in here together?"

The look of sheer horror on Spider's face is a picture. To the background strains of Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes' "If you don't know me by now" we hear a horrified Spider asking "Us? What? Living together?"

Lorraine says that, initially it came up as a practical idea, as she wouldn't be able to afford the rent on her own, but the more she thought about it, the more it seemed like a good idea. What does he think?

Spider is squirming, "very nice" and other platitudes emanate from his lips.

Does he want to think about it?

"Erm, mmmm, yeah."

What does he think of the idea in principle?

"Erm, dunno."

He can say no, if he wants, she won't be offended, she tells him, no-one is going to force him.

"Alright then, no....I'd rather not."

She looks hurt, but it's too late, the only option is to make light of his refusal. That's fine, if he doesn't feel ready for it yet.

"No, not yet."

He doesn't mind her raising the subject?

"Oh no, not at all" (but the eyes tell a different story.)

If he's not ready for it yet, that's fine, it was just a thought.

Embarrassed silence as both reach for their wine glasses for a comforting swig.

Outside Kevin's place, he, Alison and the girls have just got into the car and are ready to set off for their weekend away. "everybody ready?" asks Kevin. "Yeahhhhhh" is reply. Alison is in the driver's seat, she looks in the mirror and starts the car.

Nita is coming out of Elliott's Emporium, "See you tomorrow Maud", she calls, locking up the shop. As she walks down the street, Ashley has come around the corner - he calls her, but she neither sees nor hears him. She gets into the passenger seat of a Mercedes, parked around the corner. In the driver's seat is a middle-aged Asian man, "Nita, my dear, for the last 20 minutes, I have been sitting here, watching the marvellous flow of your customers." She replies, "so hurry up and buy it, I nearly got rumbled today down at the Cash and Carry and it weren't funny." The man laughs and strokes her chin. "Honestly my darling, you are doing a fine job and I'm very proud of you. He reaches over and kisses her on the cheek. "Give over being so soppy" she says, as he laughs, starts the car and they drive off. Ashley has been watching these events, but unable to hear what is going on, a puzzled and hurt look on his face....

.....and with that.... it is the cue for music and credits...

Episode written by Sally Wainwright

All material is, and remains, copyright property of Granada Television.

Well, how was it for me? Well, not a lot of action but that didn't stop this being an enjoyable one, with some fine bits of dialogue and acting, especially from Jack and Vera, Eunice Gee and Spider. The bickering which occurs when people are under pressure was done well in the various Jack and Vera scenes. With the Websters, the scenario following a marriage breakdown, when a third party suddenly appears is also being handled realistically - the petty jealousies, the games played using children as pawns, etc. Gareh and Judeh caught in their dilemma was captured well, as was the plight of Spider trying to bat outside his league with Nita.

Very pleasing to see the return of Meg Johnson as Eunice Gee, some 17 years after she left the Street and to welcome the debut on Coronation Street of Saeed Jaffrey as Ravi Desai, Nita's father. Saeed is one of the most able Asian actors around and his presence, in what will be a high profile character on the Street, is something to which I have been looking forward, ever since it was announced - my wife has worked in ethnic communities for many years, I was brought up in one and even though there is an element of racial stereotyping in his casting as a shop owner, it is a very realistic one and very much a part of British life. The portrayal on Coronation Street of the multiracial society that is now Britain is long overdue, but will be enhanced in any case, by the presence of such a respected actor as a cast member.

Stepping back a bit, the pace of the programme has slowed down dramatically in the last few weeks and this is giving the writers and characters an opportunity to shine. Yep, although I wasn't an enemy of Park during his reign, I have to say that I am pleased by the way things are developing.

Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take care... Tubby greetings and Tinkyluv from the Tinkster in Glorious Glossop....

Regards, Alan


Sunday 24 January

Ahem - my latest update ever, this week. A whole *week* late. There's been three pages of notes [Ros, how do you manage *14* !] on my desk for days and days and yet it's taken me this long to turn them into lots of luvverly 0's and 1's and despatch them to you.

After Christmas, life has been a bit of a drudge in these parts. I am desperately trying to get our kitchen finished before we head off for a much anticipated family holiday in Florida, as it's Mrs L's XXth birthday on the day after we return, and there is a party coming up mere days after that. Thus, I have spent almost every evening and weekend deep in dust, Polyfilla, paint and wallpaper paste. At very long last, it all seems to be coming together, and I have been promised a complete holiday from all housey things for the rest of the year. But the real killer has been having nothing to do at work [where I sit now] - believe me, this is far far worse than having too much to do, or just c**p to do.

Anyway, two weeks of escapist nonsense and serious beachbumming coming up very soon now [I will be handing over the reins to the very capable Annie and that man CP] - with a bit of luck I can banish this rather jaded feeling and put a more positive spin on life in the near future.

I'm sure that's more than enough of my twaddle - let's get on with this [or rather last] week's show...

Act 1
The curtain rises at Eunice Gee's B&B, where the proprietoress offers Jack another fried egg for his breakfast. Jack is in seventh heaven - not being needled every 5 minutes by Vera about his diet and lifestyle. But wait... Vera puts the boot in and explains to Eunice that she'll be feeding a corpse at this rate. He admits he's supposed to be watching his cholesterol levels. Vera adds that they'll not be staying long anyway, so maybe she'll have that fried egg. Jack has to get off to work. "I thought you'd retired ?", says Eunice. Well, he has, but Natalie has asked him back in, to give her the benefit of his many years of experience. "Teach her the tricks of the trade", he explains. Eunice tells him it'll be muesli for tomorrow's breakfast. Jack grimaces.

Gail arrives in the Kabin, to buy some sweets for the kids. [Yes folks, it's a health special this evening.] She finds Sally perusing the small ads in the local paper, looking for rented accommodation. She'd been very disappointed with the flat she'd seen the night before, it was dirty and scruffy and not in a nice area. She'll not impress her solicitors, staying somewhere like that, and it'll be vital for her custody hearing that she's settled in suitable accommodation. Her eyes light up when she spots a more promising place - 2-bed terraced house with garden. Off she goes, leaving Gail to chat with Rita and Sharon, who is helping out while Leanne is on holiday. Sharon drops a real clanger when she asks how Brian is - Gail and the kids are well, how is he ? To her credit, Gail is neither angry nor flustered, and she explains that Brian was killed about 10 years ago, and she's married to Martin now, who is David's father. After she leaves, Sharon tells Rita how awful she feels.

Natalie has called a staff meeting in the Rovers, and is not best pleased with Jack who only just manages to arrive on time. She announces that they are having a "special" that evening - half-price beer. Jack tries to dampen her enthusiasm by telling her he's seen it all before. The brewery have a pile of ale that is fast approaching its sell-by date. If they can't shift it, then it'll have to go down the drain, so they offer it to their pubs cheap. But he says there's little mark-up on it and it won't necessarily be appreciated by the customers anyway. And the bar staff will be rushed off their feet all night, for little or no extra profit. They fail to agree on this, and he and Martin head off to open up. Lorraine looks down - she tells Natalie that she won't be renting her house after all. "I was going to share it... but not any more."

Back at the B&B, Eunice finds Vera in the sitting-room, looking more than a little bored. "You're lonely without your Jack !", she observes. [And it's probably true, although I would doubt the opposite applies !] She persuades Vera to come into town on a shopping trip. [Women never say no to this..]

Behind the bar, Martin wants to know if it's OK to sell stale beer. Natalie says it's not stale, it's just, well, mature. In the background, Lorraine is sulking. Natalie tells Martin that she's had "a disappointment".

Ken and Deirdre are having a drink and a natter. Her mother is driving her mad. Ever the politician, Ken points out that it *must* be better than having Jackie Dobbs and her son staying. Deirdre isn't so sure.

Round by the payphone, Sally is having no luck getting through to the person with the house to let. Sharon, meanwhile, is still coming to terms with Brian's death. [Now there's some history here, but it comes from an era when I either wasn't watching the show at all, or wasn't paying attention. To be honest, I don't remember Sharon. I think I was too busy doing what 21 year olds do...]

Ashley drops into the corner shop on his lunch break. Maud passes comment that he's in a lot these days, but for once he doesn't seem to wanting to try his luck with Nita. He tells Maud that he'd seen her being picked up by a bloke in a flash car with air conditioning and leather seats. [Notice to colonialists - air-con is the new big thing here. It's just about standard on your decent-sized family car now, but in the backstreets of somewhere like Weatherfield, it'll be a talking point.] Nita pops her head in and notes that it also has a CD player. She's not happy at being "spied on" by Ashley, and although he tries to deny it, he's not convincing. He skulks away. Maud sticks up for him by telling Nita that he just likes the look of her, and where's the harm in that ?

More relationship woes back in the Rovers, where Lorraine attempts to patch things up with Spider, who uses the wondrous "no hard feelings" line and tells her that living together is too formal for him. [Spider, my lad, she might say "no hard feelings", but this grievance will be stored away, *never* to be forgotten, and likely to resurface at any time for any reason.] She offers to see him that evening, but he is cool at best. Has she done something wrong ? Just say so, if I have ? "Whatever", replies Spider. It starts to dawn on Lorraine that all is not well. "What are you trying to say ?", she pleads. [Do you all get "Ally McBeal" ? At this point, we'd surely be getting the dumpster shots with Lorraine pitching head over heels into the trash...] Spider tells her it's over. She's baffled. Take a hint, he says, getting more exasperated. "You're dumping me !!". Whyyyyy ?????? There's only one reason, he observes enigmatically, "work it out". [No wonder she's confused. I am. You need at least three reasons to get off the hook !]

Sally finally gets through on the phone. The house sounds fine - can she come round and see it today ? A quizzical look crosses her face as she says the other party "sounds familiar". There is agreement from the other end, and then Sally says "oh no, not YOU !". She hangs up, and Natalie comes through from the back, grinning. Even Sally manages a slight smile at the coincidence.

Intermission
[I've not even listed the ads in my notes. They must have been real bad...]

Act 2
We resume where we left off, with Natalie and Sally discussing the house. It's clear that Sally has cooled off on the idea, but Natalie has no qualms. She has somewhere to rent, and Sally needs somewhere to live. It's more than suitable for her needs, and it's local. And, furthermore, Natalie doesn't think Sally will be leaving the taps running this time...

It's "Fright Night" again, as Jackie arrives, pleased to find Les apparently alone. "Buy us a drink, love", she coos at him. He quietens her down, saying that Janice is in the bog, and he doesn't want her catching him talking to Jackie again. But good news - Janice is off to see her mother, and he'll be back in later. They agree to pool their resources, and get smashed. [Yet more healthy advice !]

Eunice and Vera have returned from their retail therapy session, and are in the cafe having a cuppa. Gail chats to Eunice about Fred, now departed. [And rather sad that in real life, Fred Feast is not at all well.] Eunice notes that she has landed on her feet, despite that. Gail asks Vera if she is still looking for work. "Me, no !", says Vera, feigning surprise. "Well, I'm glad you didn't take that cleaning job that Natalie offered", says Gail. Vera tries to pass this off as a misunderstanding. She shows Gail a new top she'd bought at the shops. Gail comments that it's certainly not something she'd want to be wearing while cleaning the Gents !

Sally has returned to the corner shop, to bounce her feelings about Natalie's offer off Rita. It's alright, but it's only got two bedrooms. [Strange that this has not been a problem at her old house.] Rita thinks it's a gift, and she shouldn't be bothered who owns it. Sally will get much more out of the arrangement than Natalie.

Jack is back at the B&B when the ladies return, shopping bags in hand. He groans when he sees these. [And boy do I know that feeling !] Vera tells him that she'd only bought one little thing, but that Eunice had been spending money like no-one's business. "She's minted ! This place must be a gold- mine !" Jack hasn't forgotten that she'd said exactly the same thing about the Rovers when they bought that. Vera looks too determined to be put off by his protests.

It's very busy at the Rovers, as the half-price offer has brought in lots of customers. Jackie is several sheets to the wind as she staggers to the bar to order two more pints. Lorraine is not sure whether she should serve her. Elsewhere, Blanche continues to berate Deirdre for ever leaving Ken. [It's an inspired bit of casting, Deirdre's Mum, they look *so* alike.] Deirdre looks very tired of this record, which seems to be going round and round and round...

Whatever happened to Jackie, Lorraine is determined not to server Spider, until he tells her why he wants to split up. She refuses to budge, and he eventually blurts out that "she doesn't do anything for him any more". "We've got nothing in common", he concludes. She looks... dumped.

Sally has arrived and is in the back with Natalie. They agree terms on the house, and Sally can move in the next day. Natalie warns her that she doesn't want her and her house to get dragged into anything between Kevin and Sally.

Deirdre and Blanche have returned to Deirdre's flat to get away from the excessively busy atmosphere in the Rovers. As she brews up, Deirdre tries to steer the conversation around to the topic of Blanche returning to her own home. A nice little bit of banter between them as Deirdre tries to make gentle suggestions, which Blanche takes at face value, saying she must just want rid of her mother. Why Deirdre doesn't just answer with "Mum, it's my house and much as I love you, sometimes I just like to be on my own !", well that's a mystery, and a rather uneasy conclusion is reached when Blanche agrees that she *will* go home. But not for another two weeks or so.

Ken and Emily are failing to get served at the bar. Surrounded by virtual strangers, they're not best pleased at the invasion of their local. An odd pairing of Gary and Linda [from the factory] are sat opposite Les and Jackie, both of whom are looking somewhat green around the gills. Les heads off to the toilet in a hurry, leaving Gary wondering what can be the matter with them, as he feels fine. Jackie slides down her seat, almost unable to sit upright. She decides maybe she should head off home, and Linda offers to help.

As they stagger down the street, they are watched by Sharon and Sally, who appear to be loitering with intent to accost estranged husbands. Sure enough, Kevin and Alison and the girls arrive home. [I think they've just had a brief holiday, it's getting a bit hazy this...] Sally rushes over, against Sharon's advice not to get involved, to establish motherly rights with her daughters, but Kevin gives her short shrift. It's late and they're almost asleep. As she tries to protest, he shuts the house door in her face. Across the street, Sharon shakes her head...

This episode was written by Catherine Hayes.

I'm surely not the first [in fact I may be the last] updater to notice a distinct change in style from the show's new producer. [Director ?] Instead of somewhat clumsy attempts to make many shows end in cliff-hangers, or have ridiculous personality changes every 5 minutes in order to serve some greater purpose, we seem to quite frequently get episodes where a whole lot of little things move along, such that when I get to this point of the proceedings, it's not always easy to come to a firm conclusion about whether it was a poor episode, or a great one. [Especially when it's a week old, and I'm trying hard to forget that I've seen 4 more in the meantime !]

Tonight's show was - OK. Some nice moments, some awkward moments, nothing especially excrutiating, with the singular exception of... Sally the mother hen, now hell-bent on almost certainly creating an air of complete discord with Kevin. As the vult^h^h^h^h lawyers gather, I expect this to go from bad to worse.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***

John Laird


Monday 25 January

Hi again! :)

Right, second Update on the trot for me tonight, so I'll rush through the prologue and skip straight into the action which, thankfully, is a return to the currently stunning form we've become accustomed to. I don't know quite what happened with last Monday's episode, but at least whatever it was seems to have passed for now. :)

So here we go...

Unfortunately, we open on a low note with the positively psychotic Sickly Webster accompanying her unsuspecting brood across the road to Number Six. "What do you think of this house?", she crows, "Everything's new and clean!" (which further re-enforces suspicions of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). The gurrls look about as impressed as ever (ie: Not very) and, just then, Kevin comes round the corner to ask "what's wrong"... "Nothing's wrong", twitches Sally, her eyes ablaze with lunacy, "I'm just showing the gurrrls our new home... This is where we're going to be living... I'm renting it off your old friend Natalie!" - Kevin, obviously, is in utter disbelief of this and, as Sickly escorts the gurrls onwards to school, he looks on, speechless.

Thankfully, a slightly more harmonious scene follows, as the Malletts sit at home, Judy nursing one of the twins (aww). Just as Gary is leaving for work, he turns back and asks "Do you think it's time we started thinking about the Christening?", something which doesn't go down too well with his wife, who seems firmly against the idea. Not only does she think that the only reason Gareh wants one is so as he can have a booze-up afterwards but, on top of that, she reminds him that they Christened Katie and "much good it did her" (ouch). "Why go pestering some vicar we've never seen before to do his stuff?" she enquires... Reluctantly, he nods and heads off to work.

So we cut across to the Bed N Breakfast, where Vera is violently chewing the end off some toast, rottweiler-stylee, whilst the absolutely WONDERFUL Eunice Gee is cooking some kippers for Jack in the kitchen. He reminds Vee that she has to be out to the Job Centre this morning, but she is less than enthusiastic about such matters. That is, until Eunice dishes up the kippers and V balks in disgust! "ARGH!" she screeches, "I can't ABIDE kippers! I wouldn't even have 'em in the house!" to which Eunice brilliantly responds: "Well you know what they say about men... If they can't get it at home, they look for it elsewhere!" - Luckily, the stench of the kippers is so much for poor ol' Vera that she completely disregards this line and heads off sharpish into town... Leaving Jack with the gleefully OTT Mrs Gee. "The kippers are to your liking then, Jack?" she asks, to rapturous nodding... "Good, I like to see a man enjoying himself... Can I ask you a favour? It's just that I've got no man of my own to do it. I'd like you to get something up for me, if you would" (ooer). It transpires that all she wants him to do is fix up a wooden shelf for the kitchen, a task he is seemingly quite pleased to take on. (In case I forget to say it again later, Meg Johnson, as Eunice Gee, is *brilliant*! Keep her on, I say, keep her on! She is a megastar!)

The following scene, in contrast to all that hilarity, just broke my heart, however... Gail and Sir Royston Of Cropper are behind the counter in the Cafe and she asks him if he's given up on the Operatic Society. He admits that he has, because he's got "no talent for it", "is no singer" and "never will be" adding "Hayley *is* a good singer and I don't want to be holding her back". Gail is a tad confused, but Roy explains "It's the way these things work, Gail. Without me, she's got a big future in the Operatic Society. Star parts! She's very talented you know... *sigh* I wish I'd never gone near the Operatic Society..." - He continues by moaning that they hold an annual dance to which Hayley and he have been invited. He is dreadfully distraught however since, whilst Lady H is "looking forward to dancing the night away", he has "two left feet" and "among the 101 things I *cannot* do, dancing tops the list!" (awwwww, Roy!) - Gail suggests that he goes to learn dancing explaining that "people do"... At this point, Roy grumbles, with *unbelievable* self- laceration, "People, yeah. It's alright for *them*"... (A top scene. David Neilson and Helen Worth both on wonderful form, as ever! Extra- Kudos to scriptwriter John Stevenson for that last line.)

In the Cornershop, meanwhile, dearest Auntie Emily is chatting to Maud and Nita, bemoaning the fact that "there were more drunken people in the Rovers last night than I've seen for many a day". Vera, who is shopping around, says that she'd "better not say much" (this would make a change!) since Jack still works there, adding that it's "not his fault the place has gone downhill"! Emily is concerned about where The Duckies are living since they're no longer at the Rovers, so Vee recounts the whole story of the Bed N Breakfast, of running into Eunice Gee again and of how they plan to buy somewhere themselves soon. "Good", pipes Maud, "because we wouldn't want to lose your custom", which prompts Vee to suggest that she *could* be more than a customer... Yep, she's fishing for a job! Nita spots this instantly and puts her foot down claiming snappily that they don't need any help. Hmm... Anyway, enough of that, let's cut to the FUN!

Blanche Hunt (YAY!) and Ken sit in the Rovers, having a quiet drink at a table. "What are we going to do about Deirdre?" sighs Blanche with extreme gusto, "Life's passing her by!"... Ken thinks that, to be fair, Deirdre deserves a bit of quiet after all the things she's been through of late but Blanche hoots "If her life gets any quieter, she might as well be dead!" - Things get even *better* as Mother Hunt continues with "Aye, she should never have split up with you. She *knows* that. Oooh, the times she's said that to me", laying on the drama to maximum effect. Needless to say, Ken is taken aback by this revelation and wants to know more. Blanche plasters it on: "She's PINING away for you, Ken. The other night, I wake up, and I can hear sobbin'. I peep round the living room door and there she is sobbin' her heart out... CLUTCHING your wedding photo!"... Ken looks mystified! Incidentally, by this point, I was laughing my socks off. Maggie Jones is, without any question or argument, a SUPERSTAR! The day she leaves the Street again will be a black one for it's residents. Honestly, I could write a whole paragraph on how brilliantly this woman plays Blanche Hunt but rather than bore you with that sort of sycophantic claptrap, I'll skip to the next scene...

It's inside Number Six and Sally is blah-blah-blahing away, as she does, to Rita. Just then there's a bang on the door and it's Kevin, who is not best pleased *at all* by Sally's renting of the house. They row and shout about the whole malarky and, as ever, reach no conclusion. "You just want me to disappear" she dribbles (and, oh yes, we do!!! we do!!!), "But I'm not going to, Kevin!" (DOH!)... "I've found a nice place for me and the gurrls to live in. With me, Kevin and NOT WITH YOU. This is just the place. It's near their school and it's near their friends..." (Now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this argument *totally* defunct since it's less than a stone's throw from Kevin's House anyhow??)

Quick cut (mercifully) back to Blanche and Ken, where she is slowly winning him round to believing her. "'The happiest days of my life were with Ken', she tells me", enthuses Blanche about Deidre, almost sobbing, "Then she says 'If only we could start again'"... Ken explains that only a few months ago he *tried* to 'start again' and was told it wasn't happening but Blanche reassures him: "I'm sure your timing was all wrong. She's got her pride, Ken! You'll have to woo her, that's what you'll have to do... Woo her!!!" - Never mind "Woo HER", can I say "Woo HOO"? This looks like it's going to be a *CORKER* of a storyline if they play it right!!

Just then, Kevin storms into the pub and is furious that Natalie has rented her house to Sally. It seems his intention was to get Sally as far away as possible from the gurrls (with good reason too!) and he is taking it personally that Nat has made the sale. She attempts to explain that her intentions are pure but the Manic Mechanic rants on about how they're all conspiring against him and he'll "never believe anything a woman tells him again"!... (*groan* Just as we were moving his character into more endearing territory and he has to go and show what a misogynistic wanky little bonehead he really is, once again!)... Natalie reminds him that Alison is indeed a woman and, so too, are his beloved little gurrls. Hopefully, this'll snap some sense back into him, but before we can see if it does, it's time for the commercial break!

END OF PART ONE

The break is as dreary as ever, this time mostly relating to cars and savings accounts.

PART TWO
So, back to the fun. Sharon and Sickly are unloading boxes from the latter's van (Where did she get this van, BTW? Anyone? Anyone?) and taking them into Number Six. Just then Judy Mallett comes strolling down the street, wheeling the twins in a pushcart (aww). Sal says "hi" and introduces Sharon and Judeh before turning on the sick-o-meter. "Have you heard?" she begins, smiling as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, "I'm moving into Natalie Barnes' old place so I'll be getting Rursie and Surphie again!" and of course Judy, not knowing the full story, is pleased for her... It's a bit windy, so Judy wants to take the twins back indoors, which leaves Sharon 'N' Sally to take the next lot of boxes into the house. Once indoors, Sickly starts up *AGAIN* with her crap. She explains about how she sells the boxes of knickers down the market, "four days a week", in the freezing cold, because, she claims "I don't get anything off Kevin, you know" (ouch). She is such a manipulating little cow and it seems that Sharon (who of course, knows NOTHING of the whole Greg Kelly fiasco) is taking pity on her! Anyhow, Sharon remarks excitedly and enthusiastically that this is a really nice house and she would love somewhere like this once she gets married in a few weeks time. Sally, proving once more that she *is* vile and thoroughly inconsiderate, murmurs "Yeah, I was happy at first. For a good few years. Then everything started going wrong" adding "If and when you start thinking about kids, you'll know exactly how I'm feeling right now!" - Sharon looks devastated by Sally's pathetically embittered interpretation of 'well-wishing'.

Meanwhile at the B'n'B, Eunice is serving tea for herself and Vera as they discuss money, work and men. The Marvellous Mrs Gee comes up with an great line in the form of "You know, I always think men are a bit like fires - If you don't feed them, they go out!"... She continues to say that she's tired of all the work involved with running a Bed And Breakfast, adding that what *she* needs is a man to "take care of the little things, get your blockages unstuffed and put a bit of oil on whatever's creaking" (Ooh, matron!) continuing to say how impressed she was by "Jack's hands", when he fixed the shelf earlier. Eventually, she admits that she's thinking of selling the business and moving to Spain where the 'waiters' are very accomodating... "If you know what I mean". Vera, of course, with her eyes set on this veritable little goldmine here in Weatherfield, enthuses that *she's* never happier than when she's working...

Over at the Malletts, Judeh is seemingly hypnotising one of the behbehs with an oversized Crystal Of Nirab and, when Gary enters and asks what she's doing, she responds that she's "giving 'em something to look at. Gets their eyes moving and their brains working". He muses that this is just what *he* needs and that a Christening would provide a great excuse to do just that. She sighs and tells him that such an event would be pointless, since netiher of them go to Church, but he seems to have his poor little heart set on it. He makes sad puppy eyes at her, telling her that his Dad really wants to see the behbehs Christened, as well... Finally she comes round to his way of thinking and agrees with a huff and a puff that they'll do it.

"Great!" he chirps, "So who do you want as Godparents?" :) (A pint for the winning guess!)

The Rovers is bustling, as Vera tells Jack across the bar that Eunice is thinking of selling up. She enthuses that they could buy it off her and look after the place, but Jack, forever longing for the simple life, sighs and tells her it doesn't sound like a good idea... Meanwhile, over at the same table she was sitting at earlier with Ken, Blanche is now sitting with Deidre (one could safely say she hasn't moved all day!)...

Blanche: "It's tragic, you know! You sitting in the pub with your mother..." Deirdre: "Well, YOU said it, although I've been tempted to!" Blanche: "You should be sitting here with your man." Deirdre: "Well as soon as I get one, Mother, you'll be the first to know!" Blanche: "But you've got one! Anytime you want, crying out for you!" Deirdre: (Snorts) "And who's this?" Blanche: "You know damn well! Ken! He worships the ground you walk on." Deirdre: (Tiredly) "Ever since I was a little kid, you've been telling me these fantasy tales. You used to say that if I didn't eat me carrots I'd go blind!" Blanche: "Well... You do wear glasses, don't you? Now see, this is right, what I'm telling you. That man poured his heart out to me today. He's still mad about you and he'd love for you and him to get back together." Deirdre: (Shocked) "I thought he'd got over all that! He did talk about getting back together a few months ago but I put him straight. Nah! There's no chance of that!" Blanche: "I'll tell you this, Deirdre. I don't see anybody else suffering. And you're not getting any younger!" Deirdre: (Sarcastically) "Well thankyou Mother, you just made my night!"

YES! Blanche Hunt is *wonderful*, absolutely *wonderful*! Please stay!

Sadly, such mirth can't be sustained as we cut to Kevin's house, where Sickly storms in, demanding to take the gurrls over the road, so that they can 'choose their bedrooms' (bear in mind it's quite late at night by now...). Kevin, understandably, tells her to come back the next morning since the gurrls are currently being put to bed and read a story by Alison (awww, what a great gal!) but Sickly decides to make a scene out of it, yelling and bawling needlessly vitriolic nonsense. Alison, The Voice Of Sweet Reason, soon appears at the living room door and tells them to pipe down since the gurrls can hear them from upstairs. Kev is genuinely sorry and apologises but Sickly shouts "DON'T YOU TELL ME HOW TO BEHAVE!" then storms out in the most puerile of ways.

In the Rovers again, Ken enters just as Deirdre and Blanche are leaving. He offers them a drink but the Drear declines polite, preferring to go home to bed. As they leave, Blanche gets in one final dig: "You stay if you want one!" she whispers and when Deirdre snaps "I don't!!", Old Mother Hunt tuts "Oh, you're a stubborn cow, you!" and ushers her daughter out of the pub!! LOL! Ken makes for the bar, meanwhile, and talks briefly with Rita, fishing to find out whether Deirdre has ever "mentioned him" in passing during her visits to the Kabin. Big Red tells him that "she's mentioned her Mother enough times" but unfortunately, not a word about him...

Across the room, a deeply surreal little interlude ensues: Les Battersby yells "OI! NATALIE!", which translated from Pig-To-Human means that he wishes to procure further pints of beer for himself and his companion (Margi/Jackie)... They are both half-cut already and slurring somewhat, I should add. Suddenly, from out of nowhere *AN OVERWHELMINGLY TANNED* Janice (Is she auditioning for a part in Mike Plowman's "Warrior Princess" movie??) storms in, shouting that he "must be drunk, standing here supping with that trollop!"... As she *literally* (yes, LITERALLY) drags him out of the pub (!) he screams merrily "You see her problem! She just can't get enough!" and so endeth the scene! Go figure...?

Back at the Bed N Brek, Eunice is also rather sloshed, slurping as she does from a glass of sherry (visibly not her first!)... Jack and Vera return home and catch her in the act. "Ooh, you are lucky, Vera" she coos, by way of greeting "You've got a real sparkler there in Jack!"... They are interrupted by a screeching sound from above and Eunice explains that it's just "Mr Clegg" on the top floor. "He's playing his violin with the door open again!", she tsks, "I've him 'til I'm sick of telling him! Mind you, he is very clean in his ways... But he'd be fiddling away all night if I let him!!!" (ooer!) - As the Grand Dame of Gee heads off upstairs to stop the fiddling, Vera whispers further to Jack about her adamant desire to buy the place. She has her heart set on it and seemingly won't take 'no' for an answer!

So, the final scene of tonight's episode is set in Number Six. A humbled Kevin comes round to request that he and Sally sort things out quietly and come to a decent arragement. No chance, as she quickly tells him *exactly* how she plans to do things. She has no intention of just having the gurrls on the weekends and tells him that she'll fight dirty if she has to:

"You shouldn't have taken them away last weekend", she says, threateningly and (scarily) in all seriousness.

"I asked you first" he replies, flabbergasted that she could even have brought up such a strange matter.

"Well that's not what I'll be saying in court", she states, almost in whispers, "I'll be saying you broke our agreement..."

"You can't say that!" he shrieks, in shock.

"Watch me..." : Cue credits!

Phew. A great show all round, pretty much, courtesy of John Stevenson. I suppose I really *ought* to give Kudos to Sally Whittaker for managing to portray such a LOATHSOME and VILE character as the one that Sally Webster has morphed into. I had to almost turn away from the screen in disgust at times, she was so horrible. This character is now devoid of any positive personality traits and I hope that she gets one almighty comeuppance sometime in the near future (and then proceeds to BOG OFF!)! I'm not a fan of Kevin at all, but even he doesn't deserve HER! The girl's gone bonkers!

Anyway, Meg Johnson and Maggie Jones as Eunice and Blanche, respectively, stole the show tonight. The former being a wildly out-of-control innuendo machine of perfect comic timing and the latter just being so unutterably brilliant in her role that words fail me. Certainly watching the truly priceless exchanges between her and Anne Kirkbride as Deirdre is an utter joy to behold!

So, that's my Update Duty done for this week and I apologise again for putting out two in a row but that's just the way it's been. Hope you've enjoyed them both. :)

'Til Next Time! :)

The Rattler

This Monday Update was sponsored by Iced Earth (what I was listening to) and Stella Artois (what I was drinking...)


Wednesday 27 January

Garrison Keillor always used to begin his splendid radio broadcasts with the words "It's been a quiet week in Lake Woebegone", before going on to describe how in fact merry hell had broken out in that small fictional Minnesota township. Bristol has felt a bit that way this week. For one thing, the sun broke through for one day only after the seemly endless rain of the last few weeks. And then again, there are elections in the air, you can smell it around the Council House, and the battleground this year is around the regeneration of the old city docks - most of which is now a derelict eyesore but is being transformed into a major new, living, breathing, neighbourhood in which to work, play, shop and live. In a few years time I hope to look on an exciting new urban development and say to myself "I did that!" - or at least I played my part. But of course, not everybody agrees, and controversy rages. When one of the developments comes before the Citywide Planning Committee, nobody facing re-election wants to be seen to be responsible for difficult and controversial decisions, so of course it's time to call Ros to hold the fort. And a fine time I had of it too!

Still, keeping the peace before a packed public gallery and a heated debate is one thing, some of the quieter things we have to face, out of the public eye, are much more difficult. I had to chair a Benefit Review Board on Thursday, and it's soul-destroying to have to tell a desperate man, who has been taken for a ride by the DSS, is heavily in debt to his landlord as a result, and whose English is only marginally better than my Urdu, that however much we sympathise with his plight, it would be illegal for us to backdate his housing benefit. It's at times like this that one is especially grateful to have Coronation Street to fall back on.

Which brings us to a B&B, somewhere in Weatherfield, where Vera is picking over her breakfast...

"Are you not hungry?" asks Jack, concerned. But it transpires that she's not turning her nose up at her plate, she's carefully costing everything on it. "Say fifteen pee for the egg... No, actually, it's more like ten pee, I've seen your pigeons lay bigger eggs".

Jack is bemused.

"These sausages are definitely Freshco Economy!" asserts Vera. One wonders in that case what it was that Vera served up when she catered in the Rovers. "She must be raking it in". Jack points out that Eunice also has overheads. "I still reckon she's making a big profit" says Vera, not to be put down. She makes more than a crust, she's rolling in it!

Jack tries to tell her that it's Eunice who gets up at 5 o'clock every morning, and stands there all day cooking and cleaning and hoovering. But it isn't harder than running a pub, and Vera isn't afraid of hard work. To Jack, the answer to this is logical, why doesn't she have a word with Natalie? No chance! But if she's so keen on cooking and flaming cleaning why not clean at the Rovers? asks Jack, growing ever more exasperated with her. But Vera's system of logic is quite different. She wants to be a landlady again, not run around with a dustpan and brush in a pub they used to own.

Eunice scurries in cheerfully, she wants their plates, she doesn't want to rush them but she's got an appointment with her manicurist. Jack smiles broadly "Yes you can have mine and very nice it was too!" Eunice flirts, "And it's nice to be appreciated". Vera is still eating hers, so Eunice leaves her to it. "She's making a fortune if she can have manicures - and the sausages are definitely Freshco Economy" she maintains, holding one up on her fork. And a sad, unappetising specimen it is too. I wonder why it reminds me of the Blackpool ping?

At Des's house, Sally the new tenant is unpacking boxes as Sharon, clutching a mug, stares into space. Sally is excitable, she can't believe how much stuff she's got - well there's pink toffee tins and a rather naff mug-tree that we see. "You're like me," observes Sharon, "hate throwing things away". Sally would like to throw everything away and start afresh with everything new. Sharon sighs. "It's looking really nice Sally!". Yes, says Sally, it's home, or it will be when the girls are here. Sharon gives her a "don't be too sure about it" look. The bedroom could do with a lick of paint, enthuses Sally, perhaps she'll phone Natalie, and she could do with a couple of cheap beds and a wardrobe for the girls. Sharon is cautious. "Isn't that jumping the gun a bit?" Sally doesn't think so, the court case is in a week. Sharon continues to try to control Sally's expectations. "I'd be frightened of tempting fate if it were me - I'm very superstitious!" But Sally will hear nothing which will dampen her enthusiasm. Oh, bubbles Sally, she's not superstitious, neither is her solicitor, she says nearly all the mothers get custody. "Nearly always!" warns Sharon. Sally doesn't want to listen. Well, it's only in exceptional circumstances that they don't - does Sharon know something she doesn't? No, says Sharon, she's just trying to warn Sally that it's not all cut and dried. Because there's two sides to every story, and she doesn't know what Kevin is going to say. Sally is rattled now, and starting to worry about the outcome, so she blusters. "I've a fair idea! Anyway, I'm their mother, they belong with me!"

Back at the B&B, Jack is still trying to get Vera to see reason. He knows Vera has taken things hard. "Our mistake were lettin' Gilroy get 'is feet under t'table!" she says bitterly. "But at the time he helped us out of a hole!" says Jack, in Alec's defence. "He were scheming from day one!"

Vera, of course, is innocent of all scheming, from day one or otherwise. She's got to think about the future, that's why she wants to take over Eunice's place! To her surprise, Jack tells her that's what he wants too, only there's no point in rushing into things, and it may be another, similar, place that they take. But Vera's mind is made up, she's worried that somebody else will beat them to Eunice's, although it isn't on the market yet, as soon as it is it'll be snapped up. Jack points out to her that they can't just chuck thirty grand at a place they've never clapped eyes on. Vera, blindly optimistic, is sure everything will work out, though as Jack reminds her, that's what she said about the Rovers. Jack is also worried about how they'll do the necessary saving, with only one income coming in and most of that disappearing into Eunice's pocket. "I'll get a job!" she insists. When? "Soon! In fact, I think I know somebody who'll give me a job".

Nita and Maude are working together on pricing at the corner shop - Nita passes the items to Maude, who labels them and passes them back for replacement on the shelf. Fred is lounging in the background. "DO YOU EVER WAKE UP OF A MORNING AND THINK 'I WISH I COULD JUST HAVE A LIE IN?'" Some how one knows when Fred is up to something, and so does Maude. She gets all the sleep she needs thank you. But, says Fred, she must be thinking of retiring sooner or later. "Are you trying to get shot of me?" demands Maude, "Why don't you just spit it out?".

Fred sighs, yes, there is something on his mind. He's decided to sell the shop. "You can't be making much profit if you want to get shot of the place" suggests Nita.

"TURNOVER IS ONLY ONE CONSIDERATION AMONG MANY". The upshot is, while he shall get the new owner to keep the two of them on, it's not up to him so he can't make any promises. "I'm sure they'll want to keep Nita on" says Maude. Nita seems worried by this. "What makes you say that?" "They'd be mad not to". "Well," responds Nita, a little too defensively, "he might want to keep both of us on." She pauses. "Or just you..." Maude somehow doubts that. And who, we wonder perhaps, is "he"?

From inside Mike's office at Underworld, we see Vera knocking loudly on the glass door. So that's who she thinks might give her a job. "Come in!" he shouts. "Well, well, that takes me back, you coming into my office!" "Yeah," says Vera wearily, "the good old days!" She's heard he was taking people on, she hasn't worked on a machine for some time but she's sure it wouldn't take her long to get back into the swing of it. Mike doesn't know where she got her information from but it's wrong, as a matter of fact he was thinking of laying people off. No, not even a week's trial. "Because you're too...", and he stops himself from blurting out tactlessly, and takes a gentler tack. If he takes anybody on, they've got to be in their thirties, and that's an upper limit. Vera must be due to draw her pension, how can she keep pace with all those younger women? The ragtrade these days is a cut-throat business. He's very sorry. She is heartbroken.

Ken comes into the corner shop and explains to Maude that he doesn't want to buy anything, he just wants a word with Deirdre, who is browsing amongst the shelves. Is she doing anything this evening, he asks, a hopeful gleam in his eye. She, taken aback, tells him that, no, she has nothing planned. Ken suggests that they should get together, just the two of them. She is a little uncertain about this. Well, explains Ken, they hardly ever see each other, how about them having a good chat? She agrees to meet him in the Rovers later. He goes on his way while she looks puzzled.

Back at Eunice's place, Jack is sitting in an armchair reading the paper, while we see the landlady coming into the hallway. "Where's?" she asks, peering warily around the door. "Gone to see one of her mates, I think" Jack tells her. Eunice's eyes light up with a predatory gleam as she steps into the room waggling her fingers, tipped by bright-red nails, in Jack's face. "Well, what do you think? Ruby Sunset!" She was worried that the might look a little tarty but the manicurist thought she could carry it of. Sorry, Eunice, but manicurists, just like solicitors, tell you what you want to hear (whoops, jumping the gun there, we haven't got to that bit yet!). Could Jack do a little job for her, she asks, flirtily. She'd do it herself only if she breaks her new nails it's money down the drain! A mattress needs turning. Oh no, Jack couldn't possibly do that, it's his back you see. Jack looks wary of Eunice's advances, but she's spotted an even better opportunity. "I don't want to brag," she says, "but I was born with a gift!" She sits beside Jack and puts a comforting hand on his arm. "I'm a healer, Jack!" she tells him softly. She has no intention of being denied. "Take your shirt off!" she demands, in spite of Jack's futile protests. She leans over him and grapples with his shirt buttons. "Lie down!" she instructs. She starts tugging at him, until the click of the front door stops both of them short. "Hello?" calls Eunice, anxiously. "It's only me!" comes the voice of Vera. Eunice is horror- struck with a "caught in flagrante" look on her face. She makes her excuses, and sidles out to see to the mattress.

Vera is dejected. No luck, she's wasting her time looking. "I've got to face facts. I'm over the hill, nobody's going to take me on. Listen, what time are you going to t'Rovers?" As soon as Jack's had a wash and shave. "Well, I'll come with you" she tells him in a resigned voice. "See if that cleaners job's still going. And not a word to Eunice!"

Martin is at home, reading documents, as Gail comes down the stairs. "Reading, are we?" she asks, "All right for some, eh?". Martin explains that he's genning up for his interview this afternoon. "The old people's home?" asks Gail. "Er, Residential Care home, if you don't mind. We don't call them old people any more, it's not PC! They're older adults!". (They're called EPHs where I come from and the hell with it!). At least he can show that he's up with the jargon, even if he doesn't stand a cat in Hell's chance of getting the job, with his references. "Might as well have 'Rubbish Nurse' tattooed across my forehead" he tells Gail forlornly. Well, at least he's got an interview, suggests Gail. Maybe it's the way he tells them. Maybe if, instead of fretting waiting to be asked, he tackled the subject head-on?

Jack and Vera enter the Rovers. Natalie sees them, and looks down, embarrassed. Jack and Vera exchange nervous glances. Jack nods at Vera to go and ask Natalie straight. She whispers, loudly, "After what she did top me?" Just think of it as a means to an end, urges Jack. So Vera nervously approaches Natalie and Natalie looks wary. With Jack looking on from a distance, she asks "'Ave yer got a minute? Only I'd like a word. In private."

I N T E R M I S S I O N
One thing of note about the ads - the world's first TV ad aimed at cats is proclaimed. It is for Whiskas Singles and comprises a series of images of mice, birds, cat toys, balls of wool being pulled sharply out of the way, and shots of bowls of cat food, accompanied by sounds of mice and birds, miaows and purring. The announcer said make sure your cat is watching, so I aroused Alice from her slumber on the sofa. She looked languidly, yawned widely, jumped down and ambled off to the kitchen in search of a snack. Not impressed I guess!

Back in the Rovers, Natalie moodily leads Vera into the back room and looks on haughtily, her back to the fireplace and her arms crossed defensively in front of her. Vera breaks the silence. "I just thought I'd come and see if, er, that cleaning job was still going". "And here was me thinking you were going to apologise". Vera wonders why she should apologise, but Natalie reminds her that she has said some very hurtful things lately. "Yer want blood don't yer!" accuses Vera. "Look, it took a lot for me to come here". Natalie knows that. "So yer want me to grovel, do yer? Well TOUGH". This job interview doesn't seem to be going too well. Natalie, though, would be happy to have Vera back, but she doesn't want to think that it would be under duress, and she certainly doesn't want to walk into the bar in the morning to see Vera with a long face. So, they can start afresh, when can Vera start? "Well, I can start tomorrow if you like" she says, without enthusiasm. "Not sooner?" asks Natalie, disappointed. Well the place could do with sprucing up, there's a beer promotion going on. "Just one hour? For me?". Vera sighs resignedly, her arm well and truly twisted.

Martin gets out of his car in some lush suburb of Weatherfield, and looks up at the large, detached Victorian villa, before apprehensively approaching the front door and staring at it without ringing. A voice calls "Martin Platt?" The man getting out of the car introduces himself as Gerald Lickley, the owner, as he comes running up breathlessly with outstretched hand. He's sorry he wasn't there first to roll out the red carpet (for a Care Assistant? Hmm, alarm bells are ringing in my head already and ought to be in Martin's). It seems they don't often get applicants of Martin's calibre. A sulky young man in a white coat, introduced as Mark, opens the door. Mark will show Martin round the place before they have a chat in Gerald's office. "Try and give a good impression, won't you Mark?" says Gerald. Mark looks resentful, there is clearly no love lost between the two of them, and somewhere deep inside me something wants to scream at Martin "DON'T DO IT! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!" But although Martin's face registers that he senses something not right, he follows Mark as the latter grunts and leads the way upstairs.

Vera is grumpily wiping the Rovers bar. Lorraine, behind the bar, confronts Spider on the customer side. The course of true love has clearly not run smoothly. Indicating Vera with a nod of her head, Lorraine reproves Spider. "Fat lot of good your childish protest did, look!" "There's nothing wrong with having a few principles", he insists, priggishly. "So self-righteous - I don't know what I ever saw in you!" she taunts. "Well, the feeling's mutual", snarls Spider. Jack intervenes to warn Spider against saying anything about Vera. "She's very touchy".

Sally is sitting at a table with Rita, pouring out her anxieties about the forthcoming custody battle. "I can't stop thinking Rita, what if he did get custody? It'd destroy me!" Rita tries hard to reassure her. "According to your solicitor it's not going to happen!". Sally has lost her certainty now. After all, solicitors, like manicurists (qv), tell you what you want to hear. "I wonder what Kevin's solicitor's saying to him?" Well, says Rita, trying again, if Kevin does get custody, she'll only be across the road from them. But that, protests Sally, makes it even worse, especially if Alison's on the scene. "Every time I see that woman with the girls it's like a knife going through me!".

Vera arrives to flick a perfunctory duster over their table and the screen, and goes on her way. "Ee, life can be cruel!" observes Rita, "one minute she's the landlady, the next minute she's the cleaner!"

Sharon appears. "You're back early," remarks Rita. "Oh, we only went for a quick, er," (significant pause), "bite!". When are we going to meet Sharon's young man? How about Friday, she suggests, he's busy until then. Rita offers to make them a meal, a suggestion gratefully received.

Martin has completed his tour of the EPH and is now with Gerald in the office. What did he think? The residents, of whom we can see a couple through the glass, seem happy enough. On with the formalities then. Not much of an interview, this. Martin's CV speaks for itself, does he have any specific geriatric experience? He does? That will do nicely! They are short- staffed (one wonders why - doesn't Martin?). Gerald is busy fingering his face and avoiding eye contact. This guy scares the living daylights out of me, I don't know about you! Martin, mindful of Gail's advice, takes the opportunity of raising the matter of why he left Weatherfield General. Gerald looks alarmed and suggests to Martin that he'd better be honest. So Martin tells his tale...

Sally and Sharon are wondering whether to get a bottle of wine in the corner shop when a knife goes right through Sally - she's seen Alison, at the counter with her girls and buying them sweets. She marches up and challenges Alison aggressively "What do you think you're doing? Who said you could give 'em sweets?" Alison is being patient but is clearly discomfited by this onslaught from the increasingly psychotic Sally. It seems that Kevin asked her to, while he was out on a job, and she tells Sally this quietly and calmly. "Well, he should know better!" shrieks Sally. "They only get sweets on pocket money day and special occasions". An increasingly embarrassed Alison tells the girls that they'd better put their sweets back. "Oh it's too late now!" screams Sally. "He's got no business leaving them with you!". Nita comes over to break up the commotion. Sharon tries to pacify Sally "No harm done, eh?" That's not the point, shouts Sally, "Come on girls, you're coming with me". Alison, who remains calm despite the pressure, suggests that she doesn't thank that's a good idea, and shepherds Rosie and Sophie out of the shop. Sharon tries again to calm Sally down, to no avail. Sharon gets cross now and shows it. "You're overreacting now, leave it!" She asks for a nice bottle of white wine, but Sally has had enough. "Don't bother about me, I'm not in the mood!". And out she flounces.

Martin has returned home. He's looking very pensive and Gail asks anxiously how the interview went. "Oh, er, very well!" he says, but it's clear he think's something's wrong. "Unbelievably well in fact!" He tells Gail all about it, how he'd taken her advice and been upfront about why he left Weatherfield General, and Mr Lickley was disgusted - not with Martin but with the hospital! He had ranted on about NHS managers, too many chiefs, not enough Indians, driving all the best people out. "Spot on, actually!" remarks Martin with a wry grin. But I have to wonder what skeletons are lurking in Mr Gerald Lickley's cupboard. Gerald had offered Martin the job straight away - but then had asked about Martin's administrative skills, and whether he could take on extra responsibilities - he needed an Assistant Manager, and Martin will be starting tomorrow.

Sally is at Kevin's front door, bent on creating a scene. Alison opens up and explains that Kevin isn't back yet, but Sally insists it's Alison she wants to see, and brusquely barges her way inside. "I want to know what your plans are!" she demands. "Is it serious?" Alison doesn't see that it's any of Sally's business. "It is if you're looking after my daughters!" Sally makes it clear top Alison that she's sure Kevin is trying to get Rosie and Sophie to spend as much time with her as possible, so that they get used to her. Alison explains that she wanted Kevin to send them to her, but he wouldn't. "Don't make me laugh!" shouts Sally, "You practically spend every minute of the day with them! Just what Kevin wants, to have somebody looking after his kids? Does he get you washing his socks for you an' all? Because that's all he thinks women are good for. You're being used, and if you can't see that, you're daft!"

This is the cue for Kevin to come through the door. "What's this? What's going on?" he demands to know. "I've just come to check if my daughters are being looked after properly, all right?" says Sally, huffily, as she storms out.

Deirdre and Ken make awkward small talk in the Rovers without really communicating. So, asks Deirdre, what did Ken want to talk to her about? Ken looks hopeful and pleased. Nothing special, he just wanted to catch up. "Don't hold your breath!" she warns him, "I've done nothing to write home about, apart from playing nursemaid to my mother that is!". Ken suggests that that's better than being alone in the flat, but no, Deirdre rather likes being on her own, she appreciates her freedom. She looks warily at Ken, wondering what his game is. Ken understands that, and after Jon she's bound to be cautious. But surely she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life on her own? Deirdre begins to catch on. Yes, she does actually, she's quite emphatic on this point. "But deep down..." begins Ken. "No, no, I like being on my own, thank you very much!" The camera closes on Ken, as he registers disappointment while saying he's very glad to hear it. And then the camera pans slowly to where Blanche is sitting, hidden behind a screen and eavesdropping. She grimaces as she sees her matchmaking scheme thwarted.

Kevin is trying to make peace with Alison. "She had no right to come round here and say what she said". Alison explains about Sally seeing her in the shop buying sweets for the girls. "She was upset! And so would I be in her position". Kevin can't see why. But wasn't he upset when he saw the girls with Greg Kelly? Yes, but that of course is different. "Kevin, maybe we should cool it off," Alison tries to suggest, quite sensibly, "Maybe it would be better if I wasn't around so much." Don't talk daft!" snaps Kevin, "that's exactly what she wants!". "That's what it comes down to, isn't it? You versus Sally." Kevin remorsefully tells her he didn't mean it to sound like that. But Alison is losing patience.

"Never mind how the girls feel, or how I feel!"

"I care about you!" says Kevin.

"Well, you can fight it out between yourselves, I don't want any part of it. I've had enough". And with that, she leaves, leaving Kevin speechless and shell-shocked.

OK - not bad, not a great episode. There were some wonderful moments of farce involving Eunice and the Duckworths, and I do feel a sense of glee at seeing Sally going further and further off the rails. There's a shudder too, surrounding Martin's new job and employer. But I found it all rather stodgy and heavy going. Definitely not up to the standards of some recent episodes.

The increasingly capricious weekly award goes to Maggie Jones, who in five seconds and without any dialogue had more presence than most of the rest of 'em put together!

I apologise in advance to The Rattler for pinching his catchphrase, but this update was sponsored by Williamson & Magor, growers of fine teas since 1869 (wot I was drinking), and by future-radio: The sound of Urban Audio Vol. 2 (wot I was listening too).

No, I agree, the two don't go together do they! The CD was a freebie from a consortium bidding for a new commercial radio licence for Bristol. I approve of the bid, but the music isn't quite me, somehow, at my time of life. But I'm sure somebody will appreciate it. So I'm offering it free to the first person who asks nicely...

Until the next time...

Rosalind


Friday 29 January

One of those mixed weeks, I'm afraid, work continuing to cause grief, so least said... on the extra mural side of things, my Fred Elliott Wave File site is coming on nicely and I'm developing a reasonable momentum now, putting on new waves most days. Some great stuff in the pipeline from my archives going back over the last 9 months or so. Check it out.

We hosted Annie and Chris again for Thursday and Friday and pinged away merrily into the small hours, retiring up to "Mission Control" on both nights for some IRC. Delighted to have such superb company and that the weekend was so successful for you both :)!! Si has started getting offers from Colleges for this September, so that's a relief and hopefully will give him some confidence and something on which to focus for the 'A' level exams coming up.

Trude has been settling in at school. Fred Carno's has nothing on this place. This week Trude heard the tale of how, one year, an outing was arranged to a local zoo - when the returned, they found that some of the kids had kidnapped a baby penguin!!!!!!! I kid you not!!!! She also heard the tale of one of the mothers, who, a while back, had broken out of prison, made her way to school - there she made a deal, she was willing to give herself up to the police, if the school would let her see her children. Obviously there is an amusing side to these tales, but there is also a serious, rather sad one, which doesn't need spelling out.

Finally, I guess the saddest bits of news related to three of my IRC colleagues. Two have a parent who is gravely ill, another has a close friend who is terminally ill. In the latter case, Dan only just turned 40 recently, and Lori, his wife is just 39. They have three young children and now we hear that Dan's condition has deteriorated and he does not have long to live. Situations like this put some of our woes into perspective as truly inconsequential, alongside some of the scenarios I have described in the last two paragraphs. Anyway.... enough of that....

Episode sponsored by Cadbury's Caramel

The episode commences in the morning in the street. Kevin has opened up the garage but is waiting around outside for someone to show their face. As he stands outside the Kabin, his wish is granted when Alison comes out of the shop. He is pleased to see her, she looks sheepishly at him but walks towards him anyway. The problem facing them is that they are in a triangle, of which the other party is Sally and that has ended up giving Alison cold feet about continuing her relationship with Kevin. He tells her that her ending it, has been on his mind and that he couldn't let it go on all day. She feels the whole thing is too much aggravation, until he can get things sorted with Sally, there isn't room for her. She resents having to justify herself everytime Sally comes round looking for a row. Kevin desperately wants to talk things thorough further with her and she agrees to go with him to the café for 10 minutes before she starts work.

At the Kabin, Sharon is helping Rita stock up the shelves - Rita is more concerned about the arrangements for the get-together with Sharon's fiancé. Should she get sweet stuff or stick with cheese and biscuits. Sharon says not to make a fuss, but Rita's pretext is that she intends to enjoy herself whether Sharon and her fella do or not. A bottle of wine and a few bits and bobs is fine by Sharon and she says that Ian won't mind. Rita is in charge, however, so they'll do things properly for a change.

Enter Martin into the Kabin to get a paper and some mints. Rita introduces him to Sharon and they shake hands. He is looking forward to starting his new job this morning - in fact, if he doesn't get a move on, he will be late. Sharon looks on at him pensively as he leaves the shop.

Roy is in a world of his own daydreaming at the café - the toast is burning, but he doesn't notice, until Gail disturbs his contemplative mood. He is concerned by the effect "this operatic business" is having on Hayley - it kept her out till midnight last night. The Operatic Group are doing "The Sound of Music" and afterwards they go onto the pub and stay out all hours. Gail is bemused by this "don't tell me you're missing all that luvvie stuff?" she asks. Maybe he "packed it in a bit previous" is his reply. Gail sees it as doing them good getting space, Hayley needs something of her own to do and there's nothing worse than making somebody feel guilty for something they like doing, she tells him.

Kevin and Alison are continuing their discussion in the café. He is very agitated and tells Alison that Sally will have won if Alison finishes their relationship. Alison is frustrated by it all, she doesn't want to keep looking over her shoulder everytime they are out together - Sally's mind is set, she clearly doesn't want her around the girls and Alison understands this. We'll see, replies a determined Kevin but Alison stresses that she doesn't want him and Sally ripping into each other and the effect it is having on the girls. It's not on, she tells him and accuses him and Sally of using the girls to have a go at one another - it's not fair to her but she is a grownup and can take it. Kevin leaves the café in a huff.

As he does so, he literally bumps into Deirdre coming in. She sits down with Blanche, her mother. She wondered what had happened to her mother when she returned form the pub, the previous evening. Blanche informs her that she didn't like disturbing her, if Deirdre was having a late night, her and Ken - she was keeping out of the way. Deirdre's reply is that, meeting up with Ken in a busy pub surrounded by a load of people hardly constitutes a romantic assignation. "Still, you never know" is Blanche's hopeful response. Deirdre is flabbergasted at her mother's audacity and orders some sandwiches to take out.

Sally is organising her boxes in Natalie's place. Kevin wants a word with her right now, but Sally is going to be late for her market stall. He is furious at her outburst directed at Alison last night and when Sally asks whether they have to discuss this right now, tells her in no uncertain terms that she is not going anywhere until they do - if necessary, she can take a day off work.

At the Rovers, Jack is sampling the ales. Skivvy Spice (aka Vera) is in her cleaning garb, overall and headscarf on - very fetching Vee, but it won't make the fashion pages. Natalie and Lorraine are on their way out - they are off into town, says Natalie, for some "retail therapy, to cheer up Lorraine." (Great phrase that!!). Lorraine announces that Natalie is her new image consultant - Nat adds that Lorraine is going to have the full works, clothes, hairdo, the lot. Jack passes comment that Lorraine looks fine from where he is standing but this is not appreciated by Vera. Anyway, the credit cards are going to get a hammering, according to Lorraine. They both go off to their waiting taxi, as Vera goes into a fit of jealousy. They'll soon be shut of all of this, she tells Jack, when they get their own B&B, more refined clientele, half the graft and twice the brass, she continues. Jack is in "nodding dog" mode agreeing with every word she says, while he is testing - sorry, tasting - the beer. Anything for a quiet life, eh Jack?

At Sally's, the argument between her and Kevin is in full flow. He tells her she has no right to cause a blazing row in front of the children.- she expected them to be in bed, she tells him. "Six o'clock, yeah, sure, right" is Kevin's unconvinced reply - the next time she wants to come round, storming into his house, "gobbin' off - you knock on the door first and you wait till I let you in, otherwise, stay away, understand?" Sally's response is that when she gets to court, it may well end up her saying the same thing to him, when she gets the custody of the children. She reckons that she has rumbled his little game - setting up with Alison, so that he can walk into the court and claim "happy families". When he tells her that he didn't realise just how poisonous she really is, she replies, ominously, that she hasn't even started yet. He cannot believe what she is saying - what he and Alison do, has nothing to do with her, he tells Sally, at least, she is not some psycho, "liable to go mental any second. How's that going to sound in court, heh? If that's what you want, that's what you've got."

Over at Elliott's Emporium, Fred is doing a good impression of a headless chicken. He has a prospective buyer lined up to view the shop and he is making sure that all is in order and that a favourable impression will be conveyed. Both Maud and Nita are trying to calm him down - Maud tells him to stop fussing, the shop is tidier than it's ever been. Fred is busy, in his own mind and tells Nita to check the stock dates. "You can't be too careful, I say, you can't be too careful. This Mr Ravi is clearly a very astute businessman. Now, we have to give the impression that this here shop is a thriving retail goldmine", he tells them - Nita's face is one of incredulity, as Fred continues "not that it's not, obviously." He explains that when he shows Mr Ravi around the shop, "that he knows that we're fighting customers off, morning, noon and night....." (He turns around to view and empty shop, in one of those hilarious quick shots, that show Fred as the comic master-genius he undoubtedly is) ..... "usually!" ROTFL. What a star!

Natalie and Lorraine are out on their "therapy" trip - at Barton Arcade, off Deansgate, Manchester, no less - they look at the price list in a salon window and Lorraine gets scared off by the price. Natalie tells her, it was agreed, money was no object, but the only way that she'll go through with it, is if Natalie does likewise and with that, she drags a reluctant Natalie into the salon.

Martin has started work at the Residential Care Home and is meeting the residents. Gerard Lickley, the proprietor comes in all flustered - just a little admin problem to sort out, he tells Martin. When Martin tells him that he is getting the hang of it, Lickley gets more flustered - how is Martin with plumbing, he asks? When Martin asks whether Mark, the nurse can do it, the owner says that the lad doesn't have a clue. Martin agrees to have a look at it, to be told "You've saved my life, they're worse than kids, some of them in here, you know. You'll get used to it." The look of Martin's face says "what have I let myself in for?"

In the Street, Ken is buying a bunch of flowers from Fred's shop - he pays Nita. Up behind him comes Deirdre "So, who's the lucky woman then?" Poor Ken looks flabbergasted, as Deirdre continues, oblivious to his discomfort. She recommends crushing the stems at the bottom, they last longer, she tells him and, as she turns to walk on, Ken quickly asks her whether everything is alright. Yes all is fine, Deirdre tells him, but Ken continues, by saying that her mother is worried about her and that Deirdre was a bit down. This raises feelings of annoyance from Deirdre, who exclaims that anyone would be, if they had her to put up with. He then puts his size nines well and truly in it, by saying that maybe Deirdre was thinking about the two of them getting back together. "Is that what she said?" is her reply, "and you... " looking down at Ken's flowers, "....oh no, you are joking aren't you, you've not.... I don't believe this!!!" Ken looks uncomfortable, but still hasn't grasped the gravity of the faux pas he has made, suggesting that it's not such an outrageous idea. "Ken, haven't you got more sense, at your age?" she replies.

Just then, around the corner comes Fred with Ravi Desai and he is telling him, "so it's not a massive shop, Mr Ravi, but we have a saying in Weatherfield, it's not the size, it's what you do with it!" ROTFL!!!!

Ken hands over the flowers to Deirdre, "you might as well have them, now I've paid for them." Deirdre responds by saying "I know what I'd like to do with these...no, on second thoughts, she doesn't deserve them", furiously throws the flowers to the ground and flounces off.

Fred and Ravi look on, as Nita comes out of the shop. Ken, looking embarrassed, picks up the flowers. Fred introduces Nita to Ravi as one of his retail representatives and, as he stops down to help Ken, pick up the flowers, Ravi puts his finger to his mouth to indicate that Nita should be quiet. A nod from Nita confirms her acceptance....
... and the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1

After the ads, it's part 2
The second part of the programme commences at the Nursing Home. Martin is asking Mark whether the residents are always just left watching the television. It is clear the Mark doesn't have a clue, so Martin asks whether there is a programme of planned activity. Don't ask me, ask the boss, is the gist of his reply. Along comes the boss and Martin collars him. He asks to see the files and is told they are in the office. When he asks specific questions, e.g. when does the doctor come round to carry out the check-ups, he is greeted with a blank, clueless stare - "it's all in the files." But in the meantime, would he mind just clearing the tables, as the lunch is ready.... !!! Normally he wouldn't ask, but he's been let down... again, Martin agrees to help out. "You've saved me life" is the response, yet again.

We are Deirdre's flat and she is in the middle of a blazing row with her mother, following the meeting with Ken earlier on. She is furious at Blanche trying to "fix me with blokes, especially blokes I've already decided I've had enough of." Blanche tries to go for the sympathy vote, she doesn't know why Deirdre is so upset, she cannot do right for wrong. Deirdre tells her, in no uncertain terms that she wants to be left alone, she is pig sick of her mother constantly interfering. Blanches tearfully replies that she thought Deirdre would be pleased, she was just trying to do something nice for her, that's all. "Well don't" is Deirdre's angry reply. Blanche continues by saying all she wants is for Deirdre to be happy. Deirdre tells her she understands that but she can manage. With her mother blubbing away, Deirdre feels a right heel and hugs her mum.

At Elliott's Emporium, Ravi is looking around the shop. He is impressed that they seem to get a fair number of lunchtime trade, nothing to do with some of the items being under-priced, by any chance, he asks? Fred explains that they like to do the occasional promotion, "obviously" - "obviously" agrees Ravi. "Not that we need it, mind" continues Fred, "the hub of the community is this place, a thriving little goldmine, we have to fight them off, I say, fight them off." "I noticed that!" responds Ravi, jokingly referring to the Ken/Deirdre altercation earlier on. Fred explains it was an isolated incident, that the culprits were not from the area, "tourists probably" adds Maud, helpfully. "Anyway," says Fred, "as long as they've paid, if they want to bludgeon each other about the head with their purchases, who are we to judge?" They both laugh and Ravi says that its time to talk business, although he will not be making a decision today. He will give him a prompt decision, in the meantime, would Fred's assistant be prepared to make a cup of tea for him, he asks? Nita appears to grit her teeth and asks whether that would be with milk. "How very kind" he gushes, as he continues to Fred that "it's such a struggle to find good staff." Fred replies that he is lucky to have such a good staff, "age and beauty" offers Maud, Fred's version being "youthful exuberance and worldly experience." At that stage, Nita pops her head around the door, offering "Sugar? Mr Ravi?". "In my experience, Mr Elliott, it's the young ones you have to watch" says Ravi - Fred nods knowingly but the irony of Ravi's statement is lost on Fred.

We are back at the Rovers. Vera tells Natalie that she doesn't know why she bothered going for the makeover, she cannot tell a difference. Jack tries to phrase it diplomatically, he cannot understand why Natalie though she needed a makeover. Natalie explains that when she got there, she couldn't be bothered. Enter Lorraine from the back as Cleavage Spice - she is wearing a dark jumper with a plunging neckline, showing off her, how you say, ample figure, assets?? She gets an admiring whistle from Jack and a comment from Gary who has just come in the bar, "I told you we should get shut of that Lorraine and get some decent talent behind the bar...." Enter Spider into the pub - when he comes to the bar, he cannot take his eyes off the busty barmaid and when she accuses him of gawping at her, he denies this, saying "it's what's underneath that matters, it's only skin deep..." "Not even that, in your case" snipes Lorraine, while Gary makes a diving noise and we know where he wouldn't mind resting his head.

A smartly dressed young man comes to the bar. He orders a pint from Natalie and offers her a drink - she flashes her eyelids at him, smiles and momentarily surveys the scenery, i.e. him, as she serves him.

Roy is at sixes and sevens in the café. Essentially, he is worried that, as Hayley gets involved more with "these theatrical types, she might start getting more confident" and consider him to be dull and boring. "How could you possibly be boring" reassures Gail, "you're about to take big risks, expanding your business empire". She points out that this could be considered exciting - very sexy. Mmm, ponders Roy.

Talking of exciting and sexy, Natalie is being chatted up by the young man. "Tell me, are all the barmaids around here as smart as you?" "Nah, nowhere near, but then again, I'm not a barmaid" replies Natalie as she tells him she is the landlady.

Vera and Jack are having a drink with Eunice. Vera offers to get more drinks in, as Eunice says "don't be long, I might run off with him", holding onto Jack's arm. "You're only saying that to get me hopes up" cracks Vera. As Vee goes off to the bar, Eunice gets all philosophical about her life, making a few changes, having a fresh start, going abroad. "Sometimes, when you are on your own", she tells him, stroking his arm.... Jack gets all edgy and offers to get her some crisps (which she ignores).... It's not just the companionship, she tells him.. The words are unspoken, but you get the distinct impression she is floating a proposition to Jack. We are left wondering, because Vera returns just at that moment.

Rita rushes into the pub and asks Natalie for a nice bottle of red wine to take out. She orders a quick drink, while she is at the bar. She is standing alongside the stranger who orders another drink from Natalie, eyeing her up, as he does so.

The gurls are round at Sally's having something to eat. She asks them what they think of their new house. They asks whether they will live here forever, will daddy be living with us, will Alison, will Uncle Greg be coming back and other meaningful questions. She comes out with some crap about it being the best house in Weatherfield, and that the Queen stays here when she comes to Weatherfield. Does she heckaslike?

At that point, Natalie wanders in - she apologies for disturbing them, but Sally is full of the joys of happy families. She has brought the rent book around for Sally to get things organised and comments that it's nice to see the girls here, "livens the place up a bit. Des always said it was nice when there was kids in the house" You sense the wistful pang as she says this. Sally picks up on this and offers her a drink, but Natalie makes her apologies and leaves.

At her flat, Rita is flapping away at the prospective arrival of Sharon's fiancé. "Rita!! Sit down, will ya! Have a drink or something! Here, have a nut!" At that stage, the doorbell rings. Too late!! He's arrived. Sharon goes to let in her fiancé, as Rita makes some last minute adjustments. Sharon makes the introductions, "Rita, this is Ian." They shake hands. Ian is none other than the stranger in the bar at the Rovers. Rita recognises him and Ian quips that "yes", he was there trying to get up some Dutch courage before he met the family. Nervous laughs all round.

Back at the Rovers, Maud, Fred and Ashley are having a drink. "Faint heart never won fair lady" Maud is telling Ashley. Just because he saw Nita being picked up by a bloke is a swanky car.... Fred points out that you can't expect an attractive girl like Nita not to have a few suitors, "you have to get rid of the opposition, like in business, come up with a bigger package" (ROTFL.) At that point, Linda from the factory comes in and join Alison at the bar - Maude notices this and points out to Ashley that Linda and Nita went to school together.

After some verbal pushing and shoving from Fred, Ashley walks over to Linda to have a word. He tells her that they have a friend in common, Nita. Linda pulls Ashley's leg "aww, do you want me to put in good word for you?" She confirms that the two of them did go to school together - "she's well out of your league, top class." She comments that she was gobsmacked when she saw her in the corner shop. Ashley gets all defensive "there's nowt wrong with that corner shop." She cannot understand why Nita is at that shop, "after all, if she wants to hang around a shop all day, she can always go to one of her dad's.... Desai's.... they're all over the place. That's who we're talking about, Nita Desai. Her old fella's got a load of corner shops. Why do you want to know anyway?"

Eureka! Mystery solved! A stunned looking Ashley goes back to Fred and Maud, who are laughing away merrily.....

.....and with that.... it is the cue for music and credits

Episode written by Steven Bennett

All material is, and remains, copyright property of Granada Television.

Well, how was it for me? Really enjoyable episode with some superb dialogue. On going through this update, I was amazed at the number of storylines on the go, eight in all.

In terms of action during this episode, the least consequential was the Lorraine makeover - apart from the physical result, what's that all about?

The Eunice/Jack/Vera storyline taking a nudge along to the next stage, written and acted with some enjoyable humour.

Martin coming down to earth with a bump, realising that the new job isn't exactly what it was cracked up to be and seeing some of the creaks behind the scenes was also reasonably predictable. Played well and written pretty realistically, I would think, in terms of the corners cut by some businesses.

The Roy/Hayley saga took on another fairly inevitable twist with Roy getting anxious regarding the relationship and whether Hayley's increased confidence will create problems for him. some fine agonising from Roy. Looks like a lead into the next storyline for these two.

The Deirdre/Blanche/Ken part, again well written and with some good dialogue and acting, Blanche playing with great class, the interfering mother who merely wants "to help".

Some gorgeous comedy in the Fred/Ravi/Nita, with marvellous interplay between Fred and Ravi. Sayeed Jaffrey is going to be such an asset to the Street - it's a great joy to see an actor of his calibre on the show.

Sharon has re-established herself as being part of the furniture, as if she had never been away. Some interesting chemistry between her fiancé, Ian and Natalie.

The final storyline is, of course, the build up to the big custody case for Kevin and Sally, with lovely Alison caught in the middle. Very realistically written, demonstrating the way youngsters are used as pawns in this situation and bringing out the emotions of all parties concerned.

We really are seeing the emergence of a gentler style, but with some lovely dialogue and attention to detail. Very enjoyable indeed, as was, incidentally the programme which preceded that in the UK on BBC1 "Ready Steady Cook" with Leanne and Spider putting in a very enjoyable performance - what a couple of nice youngsters they are...

Anyway that's it for now.. Until the next time, take care...

Tubby greetings and Tinkyluv from the Tinkster in Glorious Glossop....

Regards, Alan


Sunday 31 January

I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday. I need a holiday.

Ah, that's better. Thanks for letting me share that with you. Again, I am worryingly late with this update, so we'll skip straight to the action.

Act 1
Chez Webster. And Kevin is serving up breakfast to Alison, and telling her how much he's enjoyed their weekend together. Particularly as they've not had anything to do with Sally. Alison tells him that she shouldn't be surprised, after all he was a still-married man with two kiddies. He asks her if she thinks it was a mistake getting involved with him, but she says not. They resolve to go out for a curry that night, if Sally will look after the girls.

Maud is not surprised to find Ashley dropping into the corner shop again, and presumes he's come to sniff around Nita once more. For once, he hasn't - in fact he's glad she's not there, as he can reveal to Maud that Nita is a *spy*. Her father is Ravi Desai, who owns a whole string of corner shops. Ashley, despite his differences with Fred, doesn't want to see someone pulling a fast one on his uncle.

Kevin pops over the road to Natalie's house, to have a word with the tenant. Sally agrees to look after Rosie and Sophie until later, and manages to make Kevin feel a little guilty that he doesn't appear to want them back that weekend. [I conclude from this that she has had them all the time, and that Alison and Kevin were by themselves. Ooh, I can remember those days....] Twisting the knife further, she invites him to come and see his daughters who are playing outside in "a lovely garden". Kevin realises that she is providing a suitable home for them, maybe better than his, with their custody hearing approaching. [Perhaps he should point out that their mother has them outside in the depths of winter...]

Fred arrives at his shop, hoping to find Ashley and Maud there. He does. He is bubbling with enthusiasm, and tells them he has news that concerns them all. "Mr Ravi", as he describes him, wants to talk money ! Fred admits that he's had some "bitter-sweet times" [shades of Maureen] at the shop, but nothing that a few crisp banknotes can't mellow. Ashley finally manages to interrupt him and reveal that there's something that Fred should know...

Sally has gone over to the Platts' house to ask Gail if their children would like to come round later to play with Rosie and Sophie. Martin looks forward to a nap - he's finding it hard going at the old folks home. [Tis cruel, I know, and I do apologise to anyone who has relatives and/or friends in such places, but the one portrayed here is the sort of place you don't want to end up in, and I can't watch more than a few seconds without being reminded of an episode of "Frasier", where he and Niles were considering trying to get their father into a retirement home. Frasier reads from the brochure: "We care, so you don't have to" ! Oh no, that's set me laughing again...]

Kevin returns to his love-nest to tell Alison that he won't be able to go out that evening after all. She presumes that Sally is being awkward, but it turns out that Kevin has decided he wants to spend a little more time with his daughters, on his own. She takes it quite well, considering. They agree to meet for a drink anyway.

Fred, in need of some alcoholic support, enters the Rovers and asks Jack for his usual "a Scotch and threat". A triple, no less. Mike asks him what's up. Fred doesn't go into much detail, but hints that it's something to do with honour, or the lack of it. Mike asks if Fred is planning to go to the golf club later, for the Steward's funeral. It's news to Fred, and he asks if it was a sudden death. [Ow, that's a terrible pun. Hope some of you got it.] They conclude that his widow will be well set-up, as they'd made a mint out of running the clubhouse. Jack listens in attentively. Ashley arrives to tell Fred that Nita has arrived for work, and Fred pronounces that spies should be shot - they're the nadir of small shopkeepers. Ashley observes that Fred had been a bit creative with his book-keeping.

Intermission
It can't be the adverts already ? Not much on tonight. Apart from BT trying to sell us yet another service which was probably already programmed into their digital exchanges a decade ago, for a mere fiver a quarter...

Act 2
Gail has taken David and Sarah-Louise round to Sally's house, where they are playing in the garden. Martin couldn't come with them as he had to cover for someone at the retirement home. Gail asks how Sally's underwear is going, these days. Still up and down ? No, definitely up, and Sally is thinking of expanding her market stall. She still very much wants a new start, even if it will be without Greg. She tells Gail about Kevin asking her to keep the girls longer, and then changing his mind when he saw how settled they looked with their mother. "I'm in the driving seat now", she announces gleefully.

Sharon and Rita are in the Rovers, and Sharon is running through her wedding list. Natalie spots it, and tells her to make sure there's a good man at the top of it. Oh there is alright, but Sharon is fed up with him only being there half the time. Rita sniffs an air of unease, and asks if everything is okay. Sharon's just a bit fed up with being on her own so much, especially as their flat is so far from the Kabin. Rita has a Baldrick-like cunning plan...

Fred is asking a favour of Audrey. We know not what it is, but she remarks that it seems a lot of trouble to go to.

Natalie has a bit of banter with Mike after he remarks that Alma isn't out with because, like many a woman, she can't take the pace. [Like many an old fart, I've lost the plot and can't remember what Alma's doing these days. It's nothing, isn't it ?] Natalie asks Mike who he'd rather be served by: her, or Jack ? Point taken, he admits. Jack engages Mike in conversation about his golf club, wondering if it was all posh nobs, chattering on about bunkers and vultures. Eagles, says Mike. But no, many of them don't know much about golf, being a member is all about social networking - it's who you know that counts. Jack's interest level rises.

At the home, Martin finds one resident, a rather sad-looking but not very elderly man called Walter, staring into space out of the window, having left his meal uneaten. Walter doesn't have much of an appetite by all accounts, but before Martin can inquire further, he is called away by the manager [a real weaselly character, dressed in a suit that doesn't fit well and with a tie that's not under full control]. He promises to return later for a chat.

Audrey enters the corner shop, to "advise" Fred of some important news that she has overheard at the Town Hall. In a very loud stage whisper [well, you know Fred] they talk about a plan to build new housing on the Red Rec, which could triple or quadruple his trade ! Nita listens in, as she is obviously supposed to.

In the Rovers, the punters have departed, leaving Vera cleaning the tables and ashtrays while Jack thumbs through a golf magazine. She wonders what he's doing, and he tells her about the vacancy for a new steward at the club. He reckons this the best way of turning their limited savings into a tidy sum which will let them buy their B&B.

Rita and Sharon drop in to see Sally. The kids have now gone back to Kevin's, and the place looks like a bombsite. Rita asks Sally how she would feel about Sharon moving into the spare room through the week. Sally seems agreeable.

Martin has made Walter some toast. Walter thanks him, saying he's very kind. [Which does rather confirm our rather poor impression of the place.] Martin wants to know if Walter's happy with the way he's being looked after. Walter confides that he's worried more about his sister - they'd lived together for 50 years, neither having married, but after his stroke they'd been placed in different homes, on opposite sides of town. He misses her, and doesn't know how to get in touch to find out how she's coping without him. Martin offers to help, saying he'll phone around and find out which home Mabel is in. Walter looks rather pathetically grateful that anyone should care about them at all. Poor soul.

Ravi arrives at Fred's shop, greeting Fred and saying a careful "hello, Miss" to his daughter. He announces they should get straight down to business, but Fred butts in and tells him he's decided not to sell the shop after all. Ravi asks if he's offended Fred somehow. No, Fred has simply changed his mind. Ravi looks sideways at Nita, who looks as perplexed as he is.

The Rovers is open again, and enter the long-lost [but not long enough] Steve Macdonald, looking for Roy. He is somewhat taken aback by Lorraine's new image, and shows a bit of interest. [In as much as you can tell with Steve.] Kevin arrives and is pleased to see that Alison is already there - he was worried that he might have scared her off earlier. He explains that he'd had a bit of a shock when he saw the girls at Sally's house, and was reacting to that. They agree to keep seeing each other.

A bit of fluff next, as Les offers to buy Janice and Linda a drink, and then blags a fiver off Janice to pay for them. He heads for the bar, and the women bemoan their fate, men, and the world in general. They decide to cheer themselves up by organising a Valentine's Day party at the factory.

Back at the corner shop, which is empty, and Nita seizes a chance to go through to the storeroom and call her father. She explains about what she'd heard earlier, about the plans to develop the Red Rec nearby. In the background, unnoticed, Fred hears this. The look on his face is sheer delight as he sees his plan working out...

This episode was written by Phil Ford.

I would've marked this one down a notch, but Fred made up a lot of lost ground right at the end, so it's:

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***

I'll be doing next Sunday's update, and then having two weeks off. Filling in the first week is Annie, (many thanks) who will no doubt introduce herself at the time, and the week after you get... (drumroll) CP, who probably needs no introduction at all ! (CP, you will leave me some readers, won't you ??)

Back next week, John



Written by John Laird; The Rattler; Ruth Carey & Rosalind Mitchell; Alan Milewczyk


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