Episode updates - June 1998

Monday 1 June

We open chez Webster, apparently at breakfast. Kevin is asking Sally to state her position in buying Natalie out of the garage. Sally doesn't want to talk about it right now, she's got other things on her mind - the loss of her Mother. Kevin reminds her that she was keen enough to get Natalie out of their lives six months ago, so what has changed? Sally suggests that Natalie isn't quite as much of a threat now. Kevin gets quite aggressive, telling her to make her mind up.

And it's breakfast at the Batt's, where Janice is still comforting Leanne about the Darren Whately business. Les is stooped over tying his bootlaces, which reminds Janice that he shouldn't be able to do that with his bad back, indeed the only thing he seems unable to do is drive. Les explains that driving involves the use of special muscles, and the doctor told him to rest them! Just then Nick arrives to see Leanne, so J & L make themselves scarce - but not before Les threatens Nick that he's got to look after Leanne.

Nick tells Leanne that he'd like the chance to look after her, but she's being defensive. What made him go for the knife like that? If she hadn't stopped him they could both have found themselves responsible for a murder. Nick tries to apologise, saying it's the most stupid thing he's done in his life (crawling out of Gail's womb must be a close second), but Leanne won't hear his apologies, and sends him away so that she can think.

Les and Greg are just walking past the Webster's when Sally emerges. both men offer their sympathies, but Les spoils it by suggesting that if he'd known earlier he could have save her a few bob because he has a mate who deals in cardboard coffins. Greg sets him up - 'Why waste money on the dead, eh, Les?' 'Exactly, why fork out on a wooden overcoat you're only gonna wear once?' They make their excuses and leave, but the camera shows Sally looking at their retreating figures, then cuts to Greg's backside as if to suggest that is what Sally is really watching. A few steps later, Greg turns around and smiles back at Sally, which she reciprocates.

Greg continues up the Street then crosses to call at Hair By Fiona. The eponymous crimper's assistant, Maxime, comes out coincidentally, and he tries to apologise for last night - 'Something came up'. Maxime isn't interested, she doesn't even want to speak to him, and runs back inside.

Big Jim is watching daytime television, channel hopping to find something of interest. He is saved from the banality by a knock at the door. The door must be on the latch because he calls out and St Emily comes in, with that ubiquitous cry of 'Only me!!!!'. He asks if she'd like a cup of tea, which she declines, but he asks her to make him one anyway. St Emily is delighted to be able to do something for him, until Jim suggests that she only came to see how he was so that she could go home, pleased with herself. He apologises for his cynicism. St Emily is in full Hospital-Visiting-mode, and explains that she came bearing gifts, from the charity shop: A ragged paperback entitled 'Showdown at Deadman's Gulch, and, wait for it, a jigsaw of cute kittens, with perhaps one or two pieces missing! Emily senses Jim's feelings and says 'I'm a real Sister of Mercy, aren't I? ...... I'll go and make the tea.' Jim smiles, and seems pleased that she cares.

In the amusement arcade, Judy is counting the cash, strangely, though, she is bagging it and putting it on the counter where any passing young Liam could snatch it away. A scruffy unshaven Paul arrives at the door to the booth, and Judy reluctantly lets him in. She seems to think he wants to touch her up, but when he realises that she thinks that he backs away, apologising.

It must be lunchtime now, because Natalie is serving Kevin in the Rovers. He asks if she's reconsidered selling. She hasn't, and the last six months haven't changed her mind. Natalie accuses him of wanting to get rid of her.

Sam serves Gary and he congratulates her on her pregnancy news, suggesting that his 'n' Judy's will be about the same time so they could be playmates. And share babysitting duties. They joke about Des drawing up a roster, and whether he should run a book on its sex.

Natalie is pleased that Sam and Des are back together, and says as much. Sam tells her how she couldn't have gone back to Des without Natalie's support. 'My pleasure' comments Natalie, as Sam goes off to serve someone.

Liz has come round to get Jim's lunch, and raises the suggestion that she might go out for an hour this evening. She needn't have worried about Jim's reaction to that, because he encourages her, indeed almost seems to be looking forward to the jigsaw, or a few chapters of 'Showdown at Deadman's gulch'. Liz reads this as sarcasm, and says she'll stay in if he wants, but he encourages her to go. She puts a sandwich down on top of the jigsaw, but in the few seconds while they talk about a brave paraplegic young lad Emily told him about, the plate moves from the jigsaw box to the table.

Des and Gareh are laughing with Sam across the bar. Natalie looks on with distaste, then homes in on Kevin, asking what the offer was for the garage. He says he'll give her fifty percent of what it's worth, and Natalie's question of 'what is it worth?' is taken by Kevin as showing interest. She suggests fifty percent plus five grand - she's serious if he is. He asks why she's interested now, looking round at Des and Sam she suggests that there's nothing to keep her around there any more.

END OF PART ONE

The phone is ringing at Jim's house, but he can't get through the door to the hallway before it stops. Then he finds that he can't get through the doorway anyway. He's just rolling back to his jigsaw when there's a knock at the door, and a cheery Les Battersby crying 'Only me!!!' 'Oh my God' mutters Jim to himself and nineteen million viewers. Les has this idea that compensation will be due to him. Jim points out that it wasn't an industrial accident, but Les thinks he could sue the bloke who put the scaffolding up - 'they're all mad, you know, scaffolders, it's a well known fact'. Jim tells him that it was his own fault, and there's no point in pursuing it. Les thinks he ought to get moving with a claim, otherwise he might get the use of his legs back before a settlement can be reached - and he'd end up with nothing.

Spotting the jigsaw and paperback, Les offers to get Jim something stronger, or even videos. Jim isn't pleased by this offer, and seems to be suggesting that mucky videos are not the sort of thing that is appropriate when all is not well in the trouser department. 'Leslie, are you trying to be funny?' he asks. Les says that he understands illness, and that he lost his job on the rigs because of back trouble, but he pulled through. Jim humours Les by suggesting that this is inspiration for him - if Les could get over it, then there's hope for him yet.

Outside the Kabin, Nick surprises Leanne with a bunch of red roses, and a plea that she takes him back. She isn't interested. He then reminds her of the time they went up to Scotland, and she slept in his arms all they way. He asks her to take him back there. Leanne softens and gives him a big hug.

Natalie calls at the garage to see if Kevin is ready to agree a price. He's still quibbling about the five grand, which surprises Natalie as she thinks five grand on top of what they'll have to borrow is irrelevant. Kevin explains that they won't be borrowing, they'll have cash following Mrs Seddon's death. Natalie now understands why the idea of buying her out has suddenly resurfaced. They haggle over this five grand, and settle on three.

Des has called on Orangina to make sure she's not had second thoughts about getting back with him. She hasn't, not this time. Turning to living arrangements, he asks her if Curly knows. No, she says, she hasn't seen him this morning. Well that's more recent than us, love, we've not seen him in weeks. Des asks her to move back in with him, perhaps on a trial basis. She is keen to settle down for good this time, after all the moving around she's done.

Hurrah hurrah! Here's the return of Sir Royston!!

Nick and Leanne are in the cafe, Roy comes over to ask whether it is true that they are back together - 'only I just wanted to know what sort of mood I can expect Gail to be in for the next two weeks.'

Nick still wants to talk about Darren Whately, and thinks they ought to report him to the police for forcing his way in. Leanne thinks they as good as invited him there, but Nick wants to do this to get him put away again. Leanne doesn't want any more involvement, but Nick then suggests that Whately might come back again.

Jim is getting stuck into his jigsaw, Liz still feels guilty at going out, but Jim once again encourages her. She leaves, and Jim vents his frustration by throwing a piece of the jigsaw against the wall. Never mind Jim, it had missing pieces anyway!

In the Rovers, Studley II sits down with Maxime, and lies that he's just learned that Les didn't pass on his message to her that 'something had come up'. Maxime suggests that he could have phoned, she had spent two hours in the kitchen for him. He apologises by buying her a drink and offering to take her out for a meal, 'but not tonight, I'm tied up.'

Janice is encouraging Liz to enjoy herself, and not to feel guilty about leaving Jim on his own.

Sally is at the bar, and Natalie asks 'are you happy now, now you've got the garage?' This is news to Sally, who turns and leaves.

Still at the bar, Maxime has a go at Les for omitting to give her the message from Greg. They score points off each other when comparing intellects, until Les suggests that Greg wouldn't have stood her up if he cared anything about her, and that 'they're queuing up around the block for a date with him. 'Well he's going out with ME' says Maxime, with all the emotion she can put into the line, which isn't much. Les puts her down, questioning why Greg should be lowering himself to going out with 'a hairdresser's assistant.'

The phone rings again in the McDonald household, and Big Jim tries to manoeuvre his wheely through the door to the hall. As we all expected, he gets jammed, and tries to reach out to the phone. Sure enough, the wheely topples over, he falls out, and the caller hangs up. An angry Jim still has the strength to lift the wheely from the doorway and throw it over his head to the other side of his body in the hallway.

Back in the Rovers, Maxime goes to join Janice and Liz. She seizes her opportunity to get back at Les, and tells Janice how she was with Greg when Les had the accident. She puts Janice right - Les didn't save Charlie West from a burning car, Les was driving, alone, and Les wouldn't have been done for drunken driving if he were only a passenger. 'Drunk driving? What're you on about?' 'You know, when he hit that cop car?' Janice is getting interested, especially when Maxime fills her boots and explains about Greg going to bail Les out, and how Les had been returning from visiting Greg's Mother in Warrington. Innocently, Maxime says 'I thought you knew...' 'I'll crucify him' threatens RJanice, to Maxime's eminent pleasure.

La Mouton goes back to Jim's, and finds a scene of devastation. Quite how she got in when he'd thrown the wheely against the door is not stated, nor do we see how he dragged himself to a semi-recumbent posture against the bed, but that's dramatic licence. She blames herself for leaving him, and wants to get an ambulance, but all Big Jim wants is her to fetch the wheelchair. With superhuman strength for someone so damaged and so recently in hospital, he hauls himself up into the chair. He begins to liken himself to a baby, he's getting more and more dependant on Liz. She tells him to stop thinking like that - she'll get through this, and so will he even if she has to drag him.

The goddess Toyah is watching TV when Les comes home. 'Ah, there you are, Petal' says RJanice, ''Ello Flower' says Les. Janice thinks he's taken her house keys, so he gets his keyring out. She says it looks like hers, but as they have matching Everley Brothers keyrings - One is Don and the other Phil - he chides her for not being able to tell the difference. 'Well just let me go check', says Janice, moving off to the kitchen with his keys, 'and I've got a lovely surprise for you.....' she adds seductively. Les's eyes go towards the bedroom, but brought down to earth when Janice starts throwing first bags of his clothes and then punches: 'That' (Thwack) 'is for lying to me about you and Charlie West.' 'That' (Punch) 'is for getting done for drunk driving'. 'That' (Smack) 'is for lying to me about what the doctor said and this' (Thump) 'is for sleeping with Moira'

A bit like an episode of Batman, eh?

Calling him a lousy lying rat, Janice hits him again, so Les turns to Toyah for assistance - 'get 'er off me!!!' 'I can't, I'm watching TV' Top Man Toyah!!! Janice is particularly angry that the whole street knew except her.

Des has gone round to Curly's to collect Sam and her belongings. He is surprised that she hasn't got her bags ready. She soon explains that she has decided not to come, she doesn't want to make another mistake. Furthermore, she's made an appointment at the clinic, she's having the abortion on Wednesday.

Back at the Battersby's, Janice is throwing Les into the Street. Despite his pleas that he has nowhere to go, Janice tells him to go to Moira's. Les repeats that he didn't sleep with Moira, but Janice won't hear it, she's finished with him. She slams the door, with his keys on the inside. Les stands in the Street, a trifle shocked.

Episode written by Martin Allen.

Dewey

Wednesday 3 June

Since this update is *extremely* late, there won't be a prologue this week; nor will there be an "As I See It" at the end. I'm afraid it's straight down to work this week.

Hello, hello, hello? Who's this, then, emerging from an outside toilet with his head bowed and covered in a blanket? No, it's not George Michael - it's Les Battersby, who has spent the night in the outdoor loo and is now quite obviously too stiff to walk properly. (Just wait till Janice gets you on the Viagra, Les, and then we can talk 'stiff'). Anyway, Les bangs on the back door and tries to curry favour with Janice, but she's having none of it. Les's attempt to bed Greg's mother, Moira, is too much for Janice to tolerate, and so she quite rightly sends him away with a flea in his ear. Plus she promises to put a padlock on the boghouse door so he won't be able to sleep there anymore either.

At the Webster residence, Sally is still giving Kevin a tongue-lashing over his plans to spend £3000 of her dead mother's money to sweeten Natalie into parting with her half of the garage. Sally, understandably, is apoplectic. "£3000! £3000!" she wails. "You could have spent that money on your kids. [Yes, just think of all the white bread and fishfingers you could buy with that!] We could have bought a new car with that! Or a new house!" (A new house, for £3000? Maybe she meant as a downpayment, I don't know. The whole business has become tiresome beyond belief and I find that when I watch anything with Kevin in it these days, I start to lose the will to live). Sally's ranting has no effect on Kevin, who wants neither a new car nor a new house. (Now had she suggested a nice little cottage somewhere, it might have been different...) "I bet it makes you feel great, chucking my money about," screeches Sally. "Why didn't you offer her more!? Ten thousand, fifteen thousand! It's the first time I come into some money and you want to give it to your ex-bit-on-the-side! You couldn't invent that; it's priceless." Keven has no real answer to Sally's tirade, apart from telling her ad nauseam that all he wants to do is get Natalie off his back. (Why, Kev? Is there a queue?)

Another tiresome plotline is the Orangina abortion debacle. Here we see her and Des, talking about the baby she may or may not be carrying. Des is clearly a pro-lifer, because he gives her this spiel about how she's carrying a human life, and how, if she aborts it, it will come back to haunt her for the rest of her life. Orangina says that carrying Des's baby to full term is simply not on, given all that has happened between them. Des says that he'll look after the baby, but Orange Girl declines. "It's not what I want," she protests. "It's what *I* want," Des remonstrates. "After all, it's my baby too!" But Orange Girl is having none of it. And before you can say "UB40", the soon-to-be unemployed Orangina is out of the door and into a waiting taxi. Des follows her, banging on the door of the cab as she pulls away. He begs her, implores her, pleads with her. (And I have to say it, echoing my old mate Frankie, that Des is a miserable pleader and no mistake). Gareh strolls by while Des is faffing around in the street, but Des is too overwhelmed by it all to notice him. He runs to his car, realises it's locked, dashes into the house and fetches his keys. Reversing like a maniac, he finally points his trusty steed in the right direction and tries to follow Sam's cab.

Looking on while all this happens is a perplexed Sally. But she's not perplexed for long, because she soon gets her wits about her for another run-in with Kevin, who is stood standing against the garage wall like some superannuated rentboy waiting for a punter. He reminds Sally that she had always wanted him to own the garage all by himself. "But if you bought Natalie out with my money, then I'd own half, wouldn't I?" (Sally 1, Kevin 0).

At the Kabin, Les is touting for Leanne's sympathy, but not getting very far. He's also there to purchase a packet of headache pills, but at £1.76 a box, he'll make do with the migraine, thankyou very much. (Actually, it's probably just a headache: Les is *far* too common to have migraines!) Leanne gives Les short shrift and does not buy his story that Janice has 'got the wrong end of the stick'.

Back at the garage, Natalie has come to tell Kevin that they should set the ball rolling with the garage sale, but Kevin does not seem so sure. "I hope you're not having second thoughts," says Natalie, who is clearly unaware that for Kevin, having any kind of thought requires Herculean effort and is usually avoided at all costs. Kevin says that he doesn't want Sally to know more than she needs to know about the particulars of the garage sale, which elicits from Natalie a wry, "But Kevin, I didn't know you and Sally had secrets from each other?" (Oh come on, Natalie - they're married, aren't they?). Natalie leaves Kevin with a tongue-in-cheek "I just hope you and Sally haven't been arguing..."

At this point, the red and flustered Des reappears, his fruitless pursuit of Sam's cab over. He tells Natalie that Sam has gone off to have an abortion, and that he's going to ring around all of the abortion clinics in the area to find her.

Back at the Kabin, it's Janice's turn to bitch about Les - which she does with great gusto while eating a Mars Bar. (I have it on good authority that Mike Plowman was unable to begin his update after this particular episode all because of this one scene. Repetitive Strain Injury can be painful, and I hope the wrist gets better soon, Mike). The upshot is that Janice admits to having given Les his marching orders. "He's a muck-heap!" she snarls, licking a trace of chocolate from her full, pouting lips. (Steady on, Mike! What would you have done if she'd been eating a Curly Wurly?)

We cut across town now to the reception area of what looks unnervingly like my local doctor's surgery, but what in fact turns out to be an abortion clinic. Des storms up to the desk and demands to be allowed to see Samantha, adding that he only wants to be with her in her hour of need. (Now put me right if I've missed something. I've heard of men being present at the birth of their kids, but never at an abortion. Is this an American trend?) The woman at reception - a severe type dressed in red who could easily pass as Warden Veitch's sister - tries to fob him off, but he gets stroppy and she has to have him ejected from the clinic by a rather hunky security guard.

In another part of town, Judeh is looking around a clothes shop when she sees Orangina buying a pair of jeans. She is just about to call her when Orangina pays for her purchase and sashays off. [This is a cue for all of us clueless viewers to put two and two together: if Orangina is in some clothing emporium buying jeans, she obviously can't have been to the abortion clinic to have that pip removed, can she? So now we know! Des, of course, doesn't. And never will, poor sod, although he doesn't know that either].

At the Rovers, there is one big free-for-all, with most of the cast turning up in this scene at one point or other. There's Gary and Des, discussing Orangina's termination (or non-termination, as the case may be); there's Janice and Sally, with Janice wishing out loud that Greg would 'go back where he came from' [i.e. the cast of Thunderbirds], unaware that he is standing right next to her; there's Les, trying to make Janice see reason but getting nothing from her but short shrift; there's Jim McDonald, complete with matching wheels, being coerced into social intercourse by La Mouton; there's Judeh, who tells an astonished Des that she has just seen Orangina in a jeans shop; and finally there's Maxine, who enters the Rovers and sidles up to Greg just as he is about to try out his chat-up lines on Sally Webster. The scene ends with everyone crowding round the paralysed brickie, like sick voyeurs at some ghastly fashion accident, welcoming him back to the Rovers where he belongs. "I don't want people feeling sorry for me," bleats Jim, obviously forgetting that people felt sorry for him long before he fell from that scaffolding.

At the Cafe, Les phones his mate Charlie West in the hope of arranging alternative accommodation for the night, and they duly arrange to meet at 5.30 on the corner of Rosamund Street. Meanwhile, Les asks Leanne whether he can have the use of her place until Charlie arrives. "I'll give you the key," she says, "but don't make a mess; don't let Ashley see you; and don't be there when I get home!" Tilly is also in the Cafe, using yet another opportunity to push Leanne into going to the police over the Darren Whately affair. Leanne wants nothing to do with, mindful of the fact that whatever she says about Whateley, she'll be implicating Tilly in the process. "But he's a murderer!" screeches Whoopsie Boy. "Yes," says Leanne, "but look what you did to *him*!"

At the Rovers, Liz has shunted Jim into a corner and is now discussing him with Sally at the bar. "Jim's looking loads brighter," says Sally, tactfully. "Yes," says Liz, "it could have been a big mistake bringing him in here!" Cue - as if you didn't know - a Big Mistake. For who should come through the door of the Rovers at this point but Bernard Ingham in drag, aka Maud Grimes. As soon as Maud sees Jim, she tootles across to talk to him. "How are you getting on with your chair, Jim?" she says. "It's not all bad, is it?" Jim does not even hesitate. "No, Maud, it's not: I get to stay in this chair all day; I get someone to lift me out and I then I get someone to wipe my backside for me. It's like a holiday, so it is!" As his ranting subsides, his drinking buddies leave in droves, each with their own excuse, and it is left to a deeply embarrassed La Mouton to wheel the sad Irish brickie out of the pub and back to his sad little house.

At the Websters, Kevin and Sally are still bickering over Natalie, the garage sale, and Sally's mum's money. Kev says that buying the garage was what Sally always wanted, while she declares that she is determined not to give Natalie a penny of her mother's money. "Do you always want Natalie around our necks?" asks Kev, exasperated. "I'm past caring," snorts Sally. And then: "£3000!! You could have spent it on your kids!"

La Mouton, meanwhile, is ripping into Jim McDonald over the way he treated Maud in the pub. "She's a harmless old lady," hisses La M, "and you're a mean-minded pig! She was only trying to be nice! Didn't your brain register that?" Tongue-lashing over, La Mouton flounces out of the room, leaving the poor marooned ex-soldier to toy half-heartedly with his jigsaw. But as soon as La Mouton is through the door and out of earshot, Jim picks up the jigsaw and hurls it across the room with all the strength he can muster.

Outside on the Street, Les's friend Charlie West has arrived with some 'alternative accommodation' for Les. In the form of a camper van. (Camper than what, though?]. To say it is almost a total wreck would be an understatement. The interior is dark, dingy and disgusting - but just right for Les, who seems happier in there than a dog with two dicks. No running water, of course - but probably lots of running sores, if the state of the bedclothes is anything to go by. There's a cooker which doesn't work, a fridge which isn't hooked up to the electricity either, and a tiny chemical loo which smells as though it hasn't been cleaned since Charles married Di. [I still can't believe that Charles cheated on her for that awful Parker-Bowles woman. I mean, who in their right mind would give up a gorgeous babe like Lady Di for some old Audreh Roberts lookalike?]. "It's a palace, it's a palace!" enthuses Les. "Well it has potential," says Charlie. "You could do it up!" When Janice sees the heap of rusting rubbish, she tells Les immediately that it has to go.

Over on the other side of the Street, a taxi pulls up and Orangina steps out. Des sees her arrive and follows her into Curly's house, ignoring Les's "How do you like me new des res" as he passes. Inside, Des confronts Orangina with the fact that she was seen in the jeans shop and clearly did not go through with the abortion. Orangina says that Judeh was obviously mistaken, and that the abortion took place as planned. Des puts it to her that she's lying; that she couldn't go through with it and is thus still pregnant. Orangina changes tack and tells Des that she was never pregnant in the first place, and that she only pretended in order to hurt him. "I wanted you to think I was," she snarls, "because I was sick of you and bloody Natalie!" Des accuses her of being mad, evil, 'off the radar' even.

And then he leaves, his eyes brimming with tears, to return to his own house.

And that is where we leave too.....

See you again next time! And sorry again for the delay!

Friday 5 June

Well, the danger of being late doing the updates, is that when you start to catch up, the gap narrows and not a lot happens during that time. We are in one of those situations right now. After me falling asleep on the train last week, you will recall I was in the doghouse somewhat as far as my wife was concerned - well, fortunately, the atmosphere cleared pretty quickly, although it wasnít until Saturday that we managed to have a good talk. When you are changing direction, as I am in my quest for the "lost Alan", communication is vital, as is a good sense of humour - heaven knows, Trude needs that to cope with me! Anyway, things is OK

One of the things which did happen was that on Sunday night, I got Trude onto the coro_street channel on IRC. We had a good bunch of regulars on the channel, including Perfidia, Jacqueline, Rbaz, Greggy, Rbaz, The_Rattler and MSAlfa. My pals wanted to meet her and I believe it was a very useful session to get across to her the friendliness of the group. She had a superb welcome and I was very touched and heartened by the love which came across - thanks gang! Although it was a bit of a rowdy affair with a number of cross conversations going on, it broke the ice and I'll certainly be taking up the kind offers to have, maybe one-to-one sessions with Trude or perhaps sessions on a private channel, where the cross traffic can be minimised. It meant a lot to me and I appreciate those of you who took the time and trouble to make her so welcome.

Talking of Trude, one of the things which has come across on the newsgroup is the fact that kids have such a great sense of humour and, as a schoolteacher, she is well placed to pick up some classic quotes. Josef asked on IRC whether these bon-mots were for real... yep is the answer, they most certainly are! There is no way you could possibly make up some of the things that kids says - so Trude's spot every week from now on, will have a nugget or two from her collection of gems.

The first three, I am repeating from my postings on the newsgroup, for the benefit of readers who donít take the news.

1. Our favourite was about 20 years ago, when she was teaching a remedial class... basically these kids had learning difficulties, social problems, or maybe were foreign language kids from the Indian sub-continent where English was probably not spoken at home.

Anyway, she was asking them what they'd seen on TV and one of them told her he'd seen a programme on the planets. Well, concepts like this were usually obviously something else to these kids, so she thought "I'll go for it" and asks whether they can name any planets.

A whole sea of hands rises as the volunteer their suggestions... Mars, Venus, Saturn...... then one kid says "Pluto" .. "Great", says Trude "that planet is the furthest away in our planetary sytem" ...

Suddenly the lad next to him puts his hand up.. Trude reckoned it was like a light bulb coming on... ping! - this kid volunteers his suggestion "Donald Duck"! whereupon she nearly needed to go for a change of knickers... the whole class fell about, but this kid was totally oblivious.... poor thing...

2. A lad comes in after having a day off to attend grand-dad's funeral..

Q. Where did you get to yesterday, Johnny?

A. They burnt me grandad!!

3. A great way of being nosey about the kids and what happens at home is to ask them what happened at the weekend...

Johnny.... My dad was in bed all weekend

Trudy.. oh, I'm sorry to hear that... is he ill?

Johnny... no! bone idle!!

(Can't you just hear the mother??)

As I said, ..... out of the mouths of babes... More next week

In the meantime, its onto the update...

Sunday 7 June

Ahoy shipmates ! Back for another trip round the bay on the good ship Corry.

As we are getting stuck in a bit of jam of updates, I am rattling this one out somewhat hastily. It's not been long since the previous one, and as a result nothing particularly exciting has been happening in the real world. (Also known as the alternative reality.)

I did attend a funeral last week, of a friend and ex-colleague who died of liver and kidney failure at 33. This was the first funeral I had attended for anyone who wasn't at least 75 when they departed. As a result, there were a lot more people at the service of my age or thereabouts (that's sort of 21 and a bit, for the curious) and it was a sobering experience to see older relatives paying their respects to someone who was really only just getting into his stride. His father stood and talked to us all quite brilliantly for about 10 minutes, reminiscing about things that had been said by his son, and about him, from childhood to adulthood, in health and latterly in sickness. Perhaps the fact that his son had been ill for nearly five years had helped to prepare him for the end, certainly I found it difficult to imagine how any parent could remain together, even humorous, on such an occasion. The service began and ended with the original theme to "Star Trek" - something for us all to smile about, however briefly. Just to bring things back on-topic, as it were, Mark was a Corry fan too. So long, mate.

Speaking of which...

Act 1
Natalie and Alec rush into a hospital casualty area, and Natalie interrupts the admissions clerk, who is busy "processing" another patient, demanding to know what has happened to Tony, is he still on life support, for God's sake never mind this sprained ankle in front, where is my son ?? The man behind the desk looks confused as he determines that no-one of that name has been admitted, and in fact they have seen no road traffic accidents at all that day. Now it is Natalie's turn to look confused. The clerk [this sounds demeaning doesn't it, someone help me out...] goes off to find someone to check other hospitals in the Leeds area.

Meanwhile, no-one's friend, Samantha, is carrying a pet box into Curly's house. It doesn't appear to be empty... Then again, it's on the small side for a tiger !

Leanne is relaxing in the conservatory, listening to the Spice Girls on her Walkman. She is startled as a face appears at the window and bellows a greeting. As Nick rushes to the rescue, we see it is only Fred, come to plant out some bedding plants in the garden. [Someone less like Darren Essex, it is hard to imagine.] Nick comforts her, but not enough to stop Leanne ending up in tears, still terrified at the thought of Darren returning.

A hospital administrator assures Natalie that no hospital in the area has any record of Tony as a patient. Natalie still cannot understand what is going on, but wisely decides to try phoning her son. He is at home, and clearly hasn't been in any accident at all.

Our first visit to the Rovers finds Kevin and Sally getting no news on the Tony crisis, and Sally chats with Janice while Kevin gets the drinks in [I'm glad it's not just me - Mrs L is always first to the seats and last to the bar too !]. Greg arrives and tries to apologise to Janice for the troubles between her and Les. Janice firmly believes it's all Les' fault anyway. She leaves Greg talking to Sally, and in no time at all we can sense an increased rush of hormones in both parties. Kevin interrupts the cosy two-some and suggests to Sally that they should buy out Natalie's share of the garage with Sally's mum's money. Sally goes somewhat ape at the idea. [I lost the plot a little bit here, not really sure why she was like this.]

Nick is still trying to calm Leanne down. They agree that the only sensible thing to do is to go to the police and tell them what has happened. [Well you see, I thought it'd be a good idea to write to this convicted murderer and tell him how much I admired him, dropped in a saucy photo or two, can't think why he was so funny about it...]

Back at the hospital, Natalie and Alec are just leaving. She asks him to give her a lift to Tony's house. She is convinced that the whole episode is a deliberate hoax, and that she has a good idea who knows more than they are letting on.

Intermission
Surprise, surprise, BT are running an ad on nuisance calls ! Obviously a bit of inside knowledge changed hands there. [I've never had call to pursue anything like this myself, although I was once woken up at about 4 in the morning by some hysterical nutter woman telling me that if I did "something" again, she was going to sort out me out "and no mistake". I had to get the phone down quick before Mrs L surfaced ! Oh, and one night we got about 8 calls in succession from a fax machine - I did call the operator about this one to be told they couldn't help. This was only about 2 weeks before the start of the 1471 service where *I* could try to determine the caller's number, couldn't help me my arse !!]

The ads were all pretty crap as usual. I suspect this is probably one of the most expensive slots for advertisers - what does it mean when they're generally so awful to watch, but have the largest budgets ?

Act 2
It is clearly the next day. Chez Webster, Kevin is chewing Rowsie out for breaking her roller skates. The girls are despatched to the front room in traditional style while Kevin asks Sally to take them swimming as he has lots of paperwork to do before he approaches the bank manager for a loan. Sally relents and offers her mum's money after all. Kevin is pleased, although Sally appears somewhat less enthusiastic.

Outside, Sally bumps into Janice, who asks her for a lift to the supermarket seeing as Les can't driver her himself. We are treated to a glimpse of Squire Battersby's new mobile abode, parked right outside his house and getting tattier by the minute. It is more of an eyesore than the Mallett's stone cladding !

Alec visits Samantha at Curly's house. [We learn that Curly is currently away on a course - in real life, Kevin Kennedy fainted in the street in some recent rare sunshine and had a nasty head injury.] Sam apologises for still being in her nightwear [unfortunately for us it is full head-to-toe stuff and nothing like what she was wearing in FHM !]. She enquires after Tony and Alec tells her of the hoax call. Asked if she recognised the "voice", all she can remember is that it was female. Alec's mobile rings, so he adjourns to the kitchen as the doorbell rings again - this time it is Natalie. Let hostilities commence !!

At the police station, Leanne and Nick are explaining to a CID officer how Darren forced his way into their home and threatened Leanne. The story is a little riddled with holes, which Nick does his best to fill in as the policeman asks why they waited so long before coming to see him. He pointedly wonders if there is something they are not telling him about, and in a rare flash of inspiration, Nick convinces him that they are trying to protect Gail, who knows nothing of Darren's release. "But surely if she had known that he'd go straight back to prison...". It is explained to the hapless pair that Darren has only been released "on licence". At the first hint of trouble, he will be straight back inside. The police will start looking for him immediately. Nick is pleased.

Tempers flare at Curly's house as Natalie accuses Samantha of having faked everything. As Samantha continues to press her innocence, Natalie suggests she "stop acting, you stupid cow". [Yesss !] Alec appears from the kitchen, and the Orange one pretends to cry on his shoulder, claiming that she doesn't know why Natalie is being so nasty to her. Natalie leaves, but not before leaving Sam with a stinging rebuke. [See below.]

Inside his bijou residence, Les is cooking breakfast to the strains of Iggy Pop's "The Passenger". He is not having much luck as he knocks the frying pan onto the floor. Janice appears outside and he greets her cheerily, suggesting that he is having a great time on his own. Leanne and Nick walk by, telling Janice that "not much is happening" at the moment. Janice invites them over any time, as it is "nice an' quiet" inside. [Sans Les !]

Z's all round as Greg and Maxine chat in the pub. He is about to disappear for a fortnight, which is a shame, says Maxine, as Fiona's flat is empty at the moment. [Perhaps not quite as empty as the Muppet's head, mind you.] Greg tells Max that she must think about getting her own place. In the background, Les is telling anyone who will listen that he is the luckiest man alive - his own place, and no wife around to nag him all the time.

Natalie arrives, wanting a word with Alec and Betty. She tells them of her belief that Samantha was behind the hoax call. They are not convinced, but Natalie says she will not work with the psycho any more. As Alec blusters, she quits there and then, and leaves.

Greg arrives at the salon, booze in hand. He has decided to take up Maxine's offer for the night. Fortunately, we are only witness to a smooch at the door...

Natalie is back home, looking for Tiger [that's her cat, just in case it had slipped by unnoticed]. She tries to call Des, but only gets his answer phone. Tiger still doesn't appear, and Natalie breaks down, alone with the troubles.

In a final scene in the Rovers, Samantha continues to persuade Betty of her innocence, and reveals that she now recognises the voice of the cruel hoaxer. "It was her", she says, looking at [dramatic pause] Sally !!

This episode was written by Maureen Chadwick.

This update seems short this week, and looking at my notes I see that I have little more than half the usual volume of scribblings. A rather mundane episode only enlivened by Denise Welch, whose playing of the victimised Natalie gets better and better.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): **

Best line: Natalie leaves Samantha with the observation that she "could slap your face, you smarmy little bitch !". Go, Nat, go...

Best scene: Natalie letting rip at Samantha. This is immediately followed by the worst scene, as Orange Girl pretends to be hurt by her remarks.

It's straight back to the video for me to get next Sunday's update done before we fall as far behind as the Canadians !!

Byeee.

John Laird

Monday 8 June

It's breakfast at the Webster's, and the gurrrllllls are fighting at the table. Kevin, naturally, gets snappy with them and sends them upstairs. He remarks to Sally that he doesn't know what's got into them. Sally reminds him that they've just lost their Grandma. Kevin goes all thoughtful, and realises that he hasn't considered it from their position - 'I remember how upset they were when their hamster died. D'you think we should get 'em a goldfish or something?' This lack of compassion is incomprehensible to Sally. He goes on to rush her into getting the house on the market, but Sally wants to stall it, she can't envisage anybody else living there - 'I'm still grieving, Kevin'.

Alec and Betty are putting the World to rights over a cup of tea. Alec is moaning that it is inconsiderate of Jack & Vera to go off on holiday to North Wales, after all, they've only just got back from Las Vegas (but that was before your last holiday, to Switzerland, wasn't it, Alec?). They discuss Natalie giving in her notice, and Alec muses over how Natalie is everything one could wish for in a barmaid - a natural, looks, empathy, efficiency. Realising he's digging himself deeper into a hole he explains that Natalie reaches the high standards that have already been set by Betty. They comment on how Natalie has no proof that the hoax hospital call was Sam, and Betty reluctantly (at first) divulges how Sam now thinks she recognised the voice as Sally Webster's. Alec realises that it is possible, it would make sense for Sally to be vindictive. Then his face brightens as he realises that if it was Sally not Natalie, then Natalie can come back to work!

Gareh comes down to breakfast to find RJudeh has morning sickness, and is right off her breakfast. They joke how he ought to try getting pregnant, but R Gareh politely declines, saying that he'll stay faithful to her. RJudeh is thinking of Zoe - she went through all this and then lost RShannon Jade. There's a knock at the door, it's Les, come to beg the use of their bathroom. Seeing RJudeh's uneaten cooky brekky he sits down and finishes it off!

Alec has called on Sam at Curly's, supposedly not to defend Natalie, but his conversation is interrupted by his sneezing - could he be allergic to the cat of whose presence he is unaware?

Les has performed his ablutions, and comments that it's good to know who his mates are, in his time of need. He reminds them that they have a spare room, but his hopes are dashed when RJudeh explains that that room will be for the Babeh. 'Yes, of course.' he says, sadly, 'I used to have a family'.

Studley 2 and Maxime descend the stairs from the flat above the salon. 'How was it for you, last night?' she asks. 'Yeah, fine' replies Studley. What could they be talking about? She pointedly reminds him that a bit of osculation is in order before he leaves, but they are stopped in mid-snog by the arrival of RAudreh 'Don't mind me, finish yer breakfast'. Maxime tells her that Greg is 'serious'. Not how it looks to us, eh readers?

Natalie enters the Rovers, come to collect her outstanding wages. Betty suggests that the whole episode might be a misunderstanding - what if she were to find out that it was someone else who called? Sam, lugging crates in, overhears this, and stops Betty repeating the confidence. Alec calls from the back, so Betty goes off leaving Sam to tell Natalie that the voice she heard was Sally.

At Underworld, the girls are practising their line dancing skills, accompanied by 'The Woolpackers' from Emmerdale. Mike's away so they're playing - Janice has it all sussed, Greg's away as well. Sally asks how long he's away for, and RJanice wonders why she's so interested in him? Janice warns her to keep away because Greg has Battersby blood, and all that entails.... Janice isn't missing Les, and reckons he's having a great time in the camper van. But she won't have him back, and just to be sure she's changed the locks.

Les is trying to tune the reception on his portable TV - best reception is gained when he wedges his aerial behind the fall pipe of his former home. Unfortunately several feet of co-axial cable are then at waist height between camper and house. Farce alert: cue in-line skater haring down the street. Les has just settled to watch Children's TV when the cable is ripped from the aerial by the passing skater.

Natalie calls on Kevin, to find out whether Sally is mentally stable, and whether she still bears a grudge. Kevin tries to support Sally in her grief over her Mother by telling Natalie that 'if you were on fire she wouldn't..... she wouldn't go out of her way to put you out. Does that help?' 'Yeah, thanks' says Natalie, turning to go.

END OF PART ONE

Maxime is drinking alone at the bar, but is about to leave. Ashley bursts in, needing a chat with her. He tells her that he's bringing Zoe back tomorrow, and wants to clear the air with Fiona first. Maxime warns him not to expect a welcoming committee.

As she leaves, Les arrives, furtively carrying a green bag. Betty has him sussed - she can see that he's going into the Gents to wash his smalls, and she won't permit it as the facilities are for paying customers. 'Have a heart, Betty' pleads our Hero, 'Hoppit' says the Weatherfield Witch.

Sam is playing the victim, she doesn't feel well. Betty encourages her to go home, because it takes more than five minutes to get over a miscarriage. Sam obviously has got over the miscarriage that never was, because now she's blaming her condition on' all this business, with Natalie, and Sally. And she hasn't slept!. All together now, Aaaaahh. Betty sends her away to get her head down.

Ashley returns to the shop to some sarcasm about his timekeeping from Uncle Fred. Ashley explains that he's been to see Fiona to explain that Zoe is coming home tomorrow. Fred is horrified that Zoe is coming home: 'I'm all in favour of Care in the Community, our Ashley, as long as they keep 'em in hospital, where they belong, out of harm's way.' Maud tells Ashley to take no notice of Fred, but to be aware that getting back with Zoe might be difficult as 'folk with kiddies will steer well clear of her. You mark my words'. Ashley hadn't thought of that.

Sally and the gurrrrllls are walking home. Rosie is asking to have packed lunches for school because all her friends do. Sally rejects this because she wants her gurrrrllls to have proper meals. Baked beans and spaghetti 'oops presumably. Natalie catches them at the door, and asks if she can have an important word. Sally tells her to forget the idea of her buying Natalie's share of the garage - she's just buried her Mother and would she really want her Mother's money going to her husband's ex-mistress? 'Think again, Natalie'. Natalie doesn't even get to raise the subject of the hoax phone call.

RJanice finds RToyah looking through her purse, because she needs a tenner for a school trip. She's three weeks late, and she doesn't want to be the only one not going. RJanice doesn't have a tenner, and rejects RToyah's suggestion that she should get it from Les. 'I'll be the only one not going. I'm a deprived child'. 'Yeah,' replies Janice, 'well, I'm a single parent.'

Ashley is cleaning up at the House of Elliot, preparatory to Zoe's return. Leanne is pleased she's coming home. He tells her and Nick that he hopes they've sorted out the Darren Whately business with the Police because he doesn't want Zoe being scared the way Leanne was.

Natalie arrives at Des's. Does anyone else in the World have plain glass in their front door like Des does? 'Natalie.... What's going on?' he asks, as she enters without a word. Once he pours the white wine she starts to describe the last 24 hours, and how it seems now that it was Sally who made the hoax call, not Sam who made it up.

Les has still got his bag of smalls, and sits down with Gareh and Judeh. 'Any chance of a bath, tonight? he asks, to a chorus of 'No'. Judeh wonders what the unsavoury odour is, which Les soon explains is from his smalls (adding that the ones he's wearing are a bit beyond their sell by date) 'Haven't you heard about laundrettes?' asks Gareh. But Les has seen how much they charge, and it's only a few things. Judeh wins the race with Gareh to get away to the bar, and Les comments 'y'know, it's hard bein' a piranha. One o' them social outcasts.......You can't sub us a pint until payday can you?'

Maxime tells RJudeh that Zoe is back tomorrow. Maxime is surprised when Judeh is pleased, and will welcome Zoe back. 'She needs support, Maxine' - 'Yeah, well she needn't look in my direction'

Des can't believe that Sally Webster was involved, but Natalie recounts how Sally looked at her with hate in her eyes - and remembers what Sally did to her bathroom last year. But the biggest upset in her life is that Tiger has gone missing. Des comforts her.

At the Webster's, Sally is with the gurrrlls. And guess what? A nanosecond into the scene and she's sending them upstairs: 'up you go - and no more sulking'. What is the point of having them in a scene if they're just going to be sent upstairs? Kevin comes home and Sally demands that he explains what he's been saying to Natalie. He denies any scheming with Natalie, and tells Sally that she is 'round the twist. Stark staring bonkers' to even think it.

Orangina is enjoying a cuppa in the back parlour at the Rovers. Alec happens by, and checks on her health after the earlier 'incident'. He asks how she is with Natalie, and learns that everything is OK, everything is fine. 'Good, good,' he mutters as he takes his leave, but Sam smiles the knowing smile of the psychobitch from hell who has more trumps to play......

Episode written by Peter Mills.

Wednesday 10 June

Dear Update Readers,

Here is the update - late I'm afraid - for Wednesday June 10th. No prologue, no 'As I See It', in fact virtually no superfluous commentary at all.

Sally and Kevin are still bickering over the issue of her mother's money and his intention to buy Natalie's shares in the garage. Sally wants to get Natalie out of their lives and so does Kev, who says that the only way to do this is by using Sal's inheritance to buy Natalie out. Sally, however, is not so sure of Kevin's motives.

Ashley, meanwhile, is preparing for Zoe's return to Coronation Street after a spell in psychiatric care. His enthusiasm is rewarded by Maud, who presents him with a bunch of flowers for Zoe, and matched by Judeh, who is keen to welcome Zoe back into the fold.

Les is still ensconced in his decrepit camper van, and still trying to assure Janice that he is having the time of his life. "It's like being on me holidays every day!" he enthuses. Nevertheless, he still freeloads off all and sundry, using Gareh and Judeh's loo and generally making a nuisance of himself. This is eventually too much for Gareh, who gives Les his loo-paper back and tells him to make alternative arrangements. Janice agrees with Gareh, although she is not best pleased when Les gloats that living in the camper van makes him feel like a single man again. "It's like being on me holidays every day!" he tells her. But she is unimpressed.

Zoe finally emerges from the loonybin and comes back to CS, which is only marginally less stressful. Ashley is, of course, over the moon to see her, as is Leanne, who welcomes her with a big hug. Ashley tells Zoe that she should relax and put her feet up, but Zoe has a mission to accomplish. That mission is to tell Judeh that she knows all about her (i.e Judeh) and Paul Fisher, and that although she knows, she won't breath a word. Judeh tries to deny it all at first, but eventually has no option but to admit that she slept with him for the money. Judeh rips into Zoe, accusing her of possibly angling for another pay-off in return for not telling Gareh.

Natalie finally confronts Sally and accuses her of making the hoax phone call to the Rovers. Sally is absolutely gobsmacked that Natalie might think such a thing possible of her, but Natalie reminds her of the damage that Sally caused to her (i.e. Natalie's) house, thus proving that anything is possible. Natalie threatens Sally with a solicitor - a move which Kevin later counters by saying that if Natalie doesn't refrain from such accusations, he too will consult a solicitor. (I think he said this just to shut Sally up, given that he was trying to watch the Scotland match at the time).

And finally, just as she is preparing to go out for a night on the town with Tilly, Ashley and Zoe, Leanne receives a phone call. From Darren Whateley. And he's not phoning just to ask her health, that's for sure.

That's all, folks.

Friday 12 June

We're way behind with the updates, so no prologue this week, its straight into the update, sponsored by Cadbury's Milk Tray ....

The episode commences at the Websters' where Kevin is asking Sally whether she has made the appointment to see the solicitor in connection with her inheritance. She tells him that is going see him today and she might even get him to write Natalie a letter - a solicitors' letter telling Natalie to stop slandering Sally . Kevin, obviously, doesn't think this is a good idea, he feels it is best to ignore her and the sooner they are able to buy her out, the sooner she'll be out of their lives for good. Sally still finds it difficult to believe that Samantha said it was Sally's voice in the phone call (in the mischievous message for Natalie) and she decides to see Samantha to find out exactly what she said, if anything at all.

We are back out in the street and Janice is banging on the door of the Battersby Mobile Residence. She rouses Les from his slumbers to bring him a present, the post - what goodies are there? Well, there's the council tax bill and the electricity bill - in Les' view, it's a clearly a case of "out of sight, out of mind" as he explains to her that he doesn't pay those bills anymore because he doesn't live in the house and hands the bills back to her. He is prepared to meet all his obligations, "financially and otherwise", if she would be prepared to have him back. "Get stuffed!" is her riposte!!

Tilly and Leanne are talking. Clearly, she is upset at Whateley being imprisoned following his visit to her and the subsequent complaint by Tilly and Leanne to the police. "What are you so miserable for? He's a murderer, he belongs in prison" is Tilly's comment. Leanne sees it otherwise as the man has served his time, he had paid for what he did,. She feels guilty that they invited him round and set him up and points out that he never attacked her anyway. But Tilly is obsessed and feels that the man deserves everything he gets. Leanne is surprised that he was re-imprisoned, she was only expecting him to get a warning, but Tilly doesn't fell he should have been let out of the prison in the first place. He suggests that they forget about it, but Leanne has a conscience and berates him for being happy to forget about it, now that he has got what he wants .. she tells him that she feels awful about it and doesn't want to forget about it.... one of life's meetings of the minds, not!!

Toyah opens the door to find Les outside. He wants to be let in "just for five minutes" even though she has told him that her mum will not allow her to let Les into the house. He tells her that she will never know as he will be long gone before she comes back, he wants to sit in a proper chair, he's homesick.

Sally has popped round to see Samantha. She tells her that she is embarrassed at being there - she asks Sam whether it is correct that Natalie had accused Sam of making the hoax phone call. Sam confirms this and adds that she informed Nat that she had nothing to do with it. Sally tells Sam that now, Nat is accusing her of being the culprit.. Sam feigns surprise, as our Sal says "what's more, she said, you put the idea in her head. Sam tells her that this is ridiculous and that all she had said to Nat was that the voice had sounded like a woman's - she says that she knows there is no way Sally could be capable of doing a thing like that, but Sally points out that Nat clearly feels that she could and is going round telling everybody just that. Having successfully managed to convince Sally, Sam unites the two women in their hatred for all things Nastily!

Les has wheedled his way into the house, resplendent in his vest and is telling Toyah that they become claustrophobic after a while - he has sunk into his armchair and is loving every minute of it and tells her that he has really missed his chair, "it's like an old friend", he enthuses. Toyah is anxious for him to depart after he drinks his cuppa, but he has his eyes set on a kip - she tells him that she is not leaving him there on his own. He asks whether she will cook him some food - an egg sandwich as all he's had to eat all week has been cold beans out of a tin. He explains to her that, yes, there is a cooker, but it needs gas. Toyah tells him that he's a mess and he agrees and that he has tried making it up with Janice, but she doesn't want to know. He tries to enlist Toyah's sympathy saying that it's always the kids who suffer, Toyah denies any hardship. He asks to hold Toyah's hand, saying that it won't be long before they are a family again... Then, just as we're settling into a soppy mood, he leaps up and says that it's no use being miserable, he's going upstairs to have a bath. Poor Toyah is flummoxed and doesn't know how to stop him, as he places his breakfast order for two fried eggs and a sausage, before leaping upstairs.

Zoe is doing her "Cleaning Windows" routine out in the street as Gary wanders past - he jokingly tells her that she needs to put some elbow grease into the job, but she replies that she hates cleaning windows. Ashley keeps giving her chores to do, she has to keep busy, she explains. Gary suggests, tongue in cheek, that she might fancy doing his when she has done her, but she tells him, he'll be lucky - she's going down to the job centre later to see if they have any proper jobs. He comments that she is looking well and that it is good to see her smiling again - he hopes that things go well for her in the future. He takes the opportunity ask her what she discussed with Judy, the other day when she came over. She tells him that she went round to apologise and that she hoped they could put the past behind her. When asked why, Gary replies that she was a bit edgy last night, but Zoe tries to reassure him by saying that Judy is bound to be wary of him. Across the road, Judy sees Gary talking to Zoe and puts two and two together - she concludes that they must be discussing her secret.

At the Rovers, Audrey is telling Fred Elliott that Alf is packing in his council duties, that he resigned last week, after much huffing and puffing. "He practically lived down that town hall" is Fred's surprised response. Audrey continues to explain that Alf thought it was time to step aside for the younger generation. Fred announces the surprise decision to Alec and then asks who is going to steer the Millennium Committee and Audrey tells him that Alf has been asked to asked to take a back seat on that. "Give over! He's Mr Millennium" is Fred's compliment. Audrey tells him that was in the past tense, "Was Mr Millennium, now he's Mr Parks and Cemetaries!" Fred surmises that there is more to this than meets the eye, but Audrey is quick to put him right that there is nothing scandalous. "I mean dirty tricks! Skullduggery!" corrects Fred and Audrey admits that Alf "did feel he was being put out to graze, cast aside to make for the young guns, as Alf calls them." "Since when has Weatherfield Council had young guns?" asks Fred, as Audrey tells him that, according to Alfie, the place is teeming with them, "young men in designer suits, with their mobile phones". When Fred remonstrates that they are no match for a man of Alf's experience, Audrey does inform him that "they are capable of staying awake during the meetings!"

Samantha is telling Natalie to stop apologising and Natalie tells her that this is very decent of her. Nat then tells Sam that, to cap it all, her pussy, Tiger, has gone missing and that she hasn't seen him for days. When Sam tries to explain it away by saying that cats often go wandering, but Nat says that Tiger never has done so before. Sam asks whether she has told the neighbours and Nat says that she's even put photographs of her pussy on the lamp-posts. Sam says, not to worry and that he will turn up. Alec sees the girls talking, asks if they have made up and when they confirm this, he asks whether Nat will want to come back to work... Sam gives her approval and we're in business. They finish their conversation by discussing how nasty Sally must have been to make the hoax phone call, and Nat says that what is obviously bugging Sally is the prospect of handing over money to her... she explains the Kevin wishes to buy her share of the garage, now they can, but they have to use the money Sally inherited from her mother. Nat isn't bothered where the money is coming from, "but to a warped mind like hers, I'm twisting the knife .. first I stole her husband and now I want her money!"

Spider is at the bar ordering a drink and overhears Fred discussing Alf's virtues as a councillor, with Alec and Audrey, how he has done everyone proud, how he was a good faithful public servant, how he stood up for what he believed in, he had a caring side to him, how they doubt whether any of these whippersnappers will take his place, how they haven't got the experience or the political nouse and they know nowt about life. "My money is on Tambo Mbeki" pipes up Spider, "to take over the leadership of the ANC, when Nelson Mandela retires.... That is who we're talking about???" Alec goes into a purple rage at this "Nelson Mandela?? We're talking about Alf Roberts resigning from the council!" "Is he?? .. ah well, good riddance! He was crap!" replies Spider. Audrey is indignant at this slur against her hubbie, as Spider continues "He wants to be on trial for crimes against the environment!" "He's a manner of honour and integrity" replies Fred. Spider challenges this by saying that Alf wanted to knock down a Roman Bath House to build a Bandstand. When Fred tries to point out that nobody knew about this when the plans were drawn up, Spider counters by saying that Alf knew about the trees and the holy groundwork. Fred continues to defend Alf, saying that he was trying to bring jobs to Weatherfield, to provide a focal point for the Millennium, but this incenses Spider even more and he accuses of Alf probably being on back-hander from the property developer! He accuses public figures of all being the same with their snouts in the trough. When Fred tries to stop the slander, Spider accuses him of being on the receiving end as well, whereupon Fred threatens to box his ears. "Ah, clearly I've touched a raw nerve" concludes Spider.

Judy rushes over to Zoe's to find out what she was discussing with Gary. Zoe tells her that Gary wanted to know why she had been round to see Judy. She denies that she told Gary anything about the baby and says that Gary was worried if she had upset her. Judy tells her that she hadn't slept a wink last night, but Zoe insists that the only reason she said anything was that she felt so awful about what driven Judy to her infidelity. She adds that she now wishes she'd kept her mouth shout, but Judy says that it was Paul Fisher who shouldn't have said anything. Zoe tries to reassure Judy that her secret is safe, but Judy replies that secrets are never safe, they have a nasty habit of coming out when you least expect them. Zoe promises she will never tells anyone, but Judy is not convinced - she asks "Can you promise me and you are never gonna fall out? Can you promise me that you're never gonna get ill or get drunk and let it slip to one of your mates or let is slip to Gary?" "Well if you don't trust me" replies Zoe, to which Judy retorts "Zoe, you're the last person in the world that I trust!" She realises her comment has caused offence and recognises that Zoe has been through a lot, but her marriage is stake here, there is always the chance that it might come out and that she cannot take that risk. The is only one thing she can do...

Samantha has called round to see Sally, who is just on her way out to the shops. She asks Sally whether there this something going on regarding business between Sally and Natalie. Sally confirms that they are buying out Natalie's share of the business, using the money her mother left her in her will. Sam dishes the poison out by saying that if she were her, then she'd be very careful about handing any money over to Natalie. She makes out she's reluctant to say more and Sally takes the bait... she persuades Samantha to tell all. She says she overheard Natalie on the phone the other day, plotting with Kevin, for the two of them to run away together....

... as the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1

Part 2
Sally is gobsmacked - she cannot believe what she is hearing but Samantha, ever the good friend, has felt it her duty to let her know.....

At the Battersbys, Janice is on her way back home.. Toyah sneaks Les out through the back door. Janice smells a rat pretty quickly in form of Les' talc.. then she sees the remnants of the food Les has been eating... Toyah denies that Les was ever there but Janice has got her sussed, "partial to a bit of bacon, all of a sudden are you?" she asks, "been smoking fags and all have you?" Toyah confesses that she felt sorry for Les and explains that he had a bath and some breakfast. She is so irritated at the thought of Les making a fool out of her that she decides to take revenge by phoning the police "there is no way that that piece of junk out there is legal", she says, referring to Les' campervan.

Sally is recounting Samantha's tale to Rita. The Big Red One is not convinced, but Sally maintains that she had to drag the information out of her, she felt sorry for her. Sally confesses that she has had doubts about Kevin for a long time and that they have been at each others' throats half the time. She recalls how Kevin was so keen to get his hands on her mother's money, now she knows why. Rita is not convinced that Kevin would up roots totally, but Sally is convinced. Rita advises that she needs to confront Kevin, but Sally thinks this is pointless.... so Kevin can lie to her, he could look her straight in the eye, accuse her for being paranoid.... no, this time she is not going to give him the chance ...

At the Malletts, Judy confronts Gary with the news that there is something she has to tell him.. he is relieved because of the way she has been mooching around. She has a confession to make and she tells him that he is really going to be angry when she tells him..... there was a catch to the offer of money from Paul Fisher...

Back at the Rovers, Fred espies Spider.. "eh up, he's back again, Stig of the Dump!" Cue for change of underpants at the Milewczyk household as we all rotfloao (roll on the floor laughing our asses off!).... Gawd, Fred is a Star!!!!!!! He tackles Spider for an apology but initially, Spider is unrepentant ... realising he's caused offence, Spider apologies if he has upset Audrey personally, but clarifies that it is time somebody spoke out against the idiocy and short-sightedness of the council's policies on the environment. Audrey gets in a cheap jibe about it being time for Spider to have a bath, but our eco-warrior is in overdrive.... Fred gets worked up and tells Spider that if he feels so strongly about it, why doesn't he stand for the council himself... convinced that Spider has no intention of doing so, he doesn't hear Spider saying that he might consider doing just that.... The penny suddenly drops as Spider announces that he will stand as the Independent Green candidate in the forthcoming by-election.. "anyone can stand as this is a democracy, actually I think this is a self-perpetuating oligarchy, but that's something I'll be seeking to change.. eventually." When Fred points out it was only earlier this morning that Spider was criticising the council saying it was rotten, Spider counters that the way to change it is from the inside. Fred cannot believe he is serious, but Spider admits that he has been in the library all afternoon drawing up a manifesto and policies... if he's elected he'll ban all unnecessary car use and declare Weatherfield a meat-free zone.... One of the priceless moments of the show is the look on Fred's face.... And the slogan "Spider Nugent, the local man with the global view...."

Gary has been told the sorry tale of how Judy slept with Paul Fisher for the money.. when Judy says she did it for them, Gary is upset.. she continues to say that he took advantage of her and that she was desperate for the money, she thought they were going to lose Katie.. Gary finds it all very difficult to take in, as Judy is desperate to salvage her marriage .. she wasn't thinking straight, she is so sorry, she shouldn't have done it, she has regretted it ever since, she hated every minute of it, she is disgusted with herself, even he regretted it afterwards.... Gary is not impressed "and that's supposed to make me feel better is it? You slept with Paul Fisher... " He gets up and Judy gets hold of him but he wants nothing further to do with her and tells her that they are finished... he walks out of the house, leaving Judy looking distraught....

Audrey thinks Spider has a cheek standing for the council, but Fred is not convinced he will stand and even of he does, nobody will vote for him. Audrey that somebody will stand against him, somebody sensible?? "Who?" says Fred "folk round here are very apathetic!" and when Audrey suggests him, his reply is "Me? I'm the most apathetic of the lot!" Audrey tires to convince him that if Spider were to be elected then that would cast a slur on Alf, but Fred sees that as "the rough and tumble of local politics. Besides, I've two shops to run!" Audrey is desperate to enlist a volunteer - Alec Gilroy is next in line, but he turns down the offer saying that he is not a political animal. Realising no-one else will stand, Audrey announces that SHE will stand to a disbelieving chorus of "You????" from everyone with a hundred mile radius of the Rovers.... She reminds them it is a democracy and says that if folks are daft enough to vote for them, then she's sure that she can persuade just one or two of them to vote for her!!! Scene ends with incredulous looks on everyone's face.. it reminds me of the time a former boss of my wife told her "You're not as daft as you look!"

Kevin has come home and sees her packing her bags. When he asks what she is doing, she tells him "I'm packing a bag, what does it look like I'm doing....?" He asks what is going on... she tells him that she has packed a few things and she'll be over for the rest.. she tells him she's going to Rita's .. "the girls are already over there... there's no point pestering us ... we won't come back, my mind's made up." Kevin is totally bewildered.. yes, I know, I hear you say, what's new? But even for Kevin, this is something else.. he asks what is going on.. Sally tells him he knows exactly what is going on and he mustn't insult her by pretending that he doesn't.. she storms out of the house, leaving Kevin looking even more puzzled and bewildered than normal, except for once he has every reason for this......

Cue music and credits
Episode written by Mark Wadlow
Script Copyright ITV Television

Well, how was it for me?

Light comedy provided by the Battersbys, especially Les...

Star quality by Fred Elliott, I say..... that man can do no wrong...

Boredom and tedious storyline by Samantha...

Gary Mercer, absolutely devastated by the news of Judy's infidelity, shows the lad's acting ability, you just cannot help but feel for him....

And that's it for now.. ..so until I see ya next week, take care...

Hugs and kisses from Tinky^

Sunday 14 June

I bring you this week's epistle from my sick-bed. Well, to be slightly more accurate I have dragged my backside into work for a couple of hours under the pretext of sorting out a few bits and pieces. But I probably ought to have stayed at home and rendered my brain numb with endless hours of the Teletubbies and Good Morning and pro-am cookery programmes. The troubles is, I have been wheezing and a-coughing since Saturday and it is doing my head in hanging around the house like the spare proverbial. I'd much rather being doing something constructive - this'll do nicely.

I'd like to send out a collective thank-you to all the kind folks on the mailing lists who have at one time or other sent me an e-mail in response to my updates. Be they appreciative, or pointing out mistakes or omissions of one sort or another, or downright "where the hell are all the updates" inquisitive, all are welcome. I hope I have replied, in time, to every one, but in case I have missed *yours*, my sincere apologies. There would have been no offence intended, it probably just got lost in the clutter of my mail system.

Nothing much seems to have been happening lately (well, since the last effort), with perhaps the noticeable exception of the World Cup. Now look, I'm sorry if that just broke some unwritten rule, but I never declared this area a football-free zone, and I'm not going start now. Personally, I hated the game at school, it was reserved for the days when the weather was so crappy that nothing else was on but soccer or rugby. As I was a little on the small side then, and couldn't run fast, I invariably ended up stuck in defence, hanging about getting colder and colder until the time came to attempt a feeble tackle on some incoming mobile mountain, usually ending up sprawling about in the mud. (I think I can *still* recall the stinging pain of a soaking wet leather ball smacking me somewhere on some foolishly exposed flesh.) Anyway, I managed to continue to ignore the daft game until a couple of years ago when my son started to get occasional, free, tickets to local matches through a League/schools initiative. Surprisingly, I found myself rather enjoying the matches - probably easier to do in the lower orders of the League where no-one is poncing about getting paid £300 a minute to sport a sponsors' shirt and a daft haircut. Plus, you get to sit about 20 feet from the touchlines, which is a whole different perspective from the birds eye view from many televised matches. Confessions of a closet football fan.

You will be able to deduce (if you haven't fallen asleep by now) the date today (as I write this) if I tell you that it is crunch time for the brave hearts of the Scotland team tonight, and merely hours after the comedic tragedy of England doing what they do best - snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. How I laughed when the second Romanian goal went in...

And on that cruel note, let's relax and enjoy another half hour or so in the company of the Street regulars.

Act 1
Kevin is attempting to wake the entire Street by banging on Rita's door. She answers it, but is unsympathetic to his pleading to be allowed to see Sally, who is staying there with the girls. [Let's hope Rita is well- stocked with spaghetti hoops !] Apparently, Sally does *not* want to see or speak to Kevin. He asks Rita to pass on the message that he is in the dark about what he is supposed to have done, and she agrees, although it rather looks as if she doesn't believe him either.

Judeh is on the phone (to a friend, a relative, we know not which) trying to track down Gareh. With no luck. Just then, there is a knock at her door, and she puts the phone down quickly to answer it. It's Steve, fresh from another night without sleep by the look of his face, come to see if Gary is coming into work that day, or is he still "in his pit ?". [Echoes of our house here - when the bed is normally occupied, it is "our bed", but when I am still slumbering and the fair Mrs L is up, it transmogrifies into "your pit". Charming !] Judy spins Steve some line about Gary being ill with a stomach bug. She shuts the door after Steve, and starts to cry.

Back at the Websters' house, Sally walks in. Kevin looks pleased as he obviously assumes his visit to Rita's has worked, and asks where the girls are. Sally informs him that they are not coming home, at least not while he's still there. She wants Kevin to move out instead. A row ensues. Sally mentions the solicitor word. And again suggests she knows all about Natalie and Kevin's schemes. Kevin protests that Sally is living in cloud cuckoo land - it is all nonsense. He plays the Samantha card but has failed to notice that Sally is beyond reasonable argument by now. "You're just after me Mum's money !", she yells at him. "It'll get Natalie out of our life - I thought that was what you wanted", Kevin points out. But he may as well be saying nothing at all, as Sally rants on. Finally, she tells him that she has not really been happy since they got back together, and delivers the coup de grace - "We're finished, Kevin".

Les emerges from his pit [rather a flattering term really] to find Toyah sitting on the front doorstep, enjoying the sun. She remarks rather caustically that it is gone 12. Les counters with his "bad back" defence, claiming that the bed in the camper van is too short for him [to get the full 15 hours' sleep, presumably ?]. He asks Toyah if she will pop inside and make him a butty.

Intermission
In no time at all, either. Usual dross, enlivened only by a new Lucozade ad featuring the Fat Slags and some Chippendale-like poseurs. [Mail me if you'd like this explained, I think it might be rather involved for the short space allotted before...

Act 2
In the Rovers, Audrey is talking to Fred and Alec. Alec asks if she is seriously thinking of running for the council, and Fred lays on the flattery in bucketloads. He offers to help - "Owt Alf can't do, I'd be more than willing...". Oo-err, missus, whatever does he mean ?

Kevin arrives, looking for Samantha. She's not at work that day. Des offers to get him a drink, and Kevin initially tries to head off for a quite corner of the bar to be by himself, but Des insists. Kevin tells him that Sally has walked out on him. "It's all a mistake". With no prompting, Des guesses that Samantha was the one behind the rumour about Kevin and Natalie getting back together.

Toyah is still sunning herself on what would be the front porch if this was a posher neighbourhood. Janice appears, and gives Les' van a good kick to show her disdain for its (and his) continued presence outside her house. She starts to think about going to the police to get something done about it...

Greg arrives. We are spared the delightful sight of him and Maxine getting all gooey, as she is not there. Les clocks him, and offers him a drink. But, oh dear, what's this ? "Blimey ! I've left me money in the van", sez Les. Greg pays for Les' drink. Again. [Whyyyy????]

A minor gathering of minor Macdonalds is taking place. Steve thanks his Mum for taking care of Jim [obviously forgetting how he nearly took proper care of Jim himself...] and offers to help out.

Natalie arrives behind the bar with a plate of chicken sandwiches. A nice line ensues as she establishes that they are for Fred and Audrey. See later for details. Having delivered these delights, she is nabbed by Des who tells Kevin to tell Natalie what has happened between him and Sally. Again, unbidden, Natalie surmises that Samantha must have been involved. Slowly, the drip drip of this particular Chinese torture is getting through to Kevin as he realises that Sam is up to something and he is unwittingly involved.

Fiona is taking Morgan for a walk, and bumps into Zoe and Ashley. It looks as if Ashley has tried to stop Zoe from saying anything, but it's no such luck as she blunders in anyway, telling Fiona how sorry she is about having taken the baby, but that she would never have hurt him. Fiona is not in a forgiving mood, as Ashley suspected, and tells Zoe to "stay away".

The doorbell rings at Des' house, and he opens the door to Sally, not sure why she has been asked over, but much less than happy to see Kevin and Natalie there as well. "What's going on ?", she asks, "what are these two doing here". [With best scowl.] Des and Natalie attempt to explain what has been happening, but Sally remains unconvinced. She has another go at Natalie, who remains impressively cool under the onslaught.

Back to the Rovers, where Fred and Audrey seem a little the worse for drink. Spider is at the bar by now, and Fred engages in a little banter with him. Spider in turn has a gentle dig at Audreh, who in some weird manner manages to reply in a distinctly Brummie accent. [In RL, Audrey has a very plummy voice - I expect all working class people sound much the same to her...] Spider tells he that he is standing on important environmental issues, including air quality. "I doubt if you know what that is", he says. Audrey fails to engage brain and replies "I'll have you know, I am a trained hair stylist !". Lovely !!

Toyah advises Les that Janice has indeed gone to the police about his van. She offers to drive it away for him, but it looks as if Les has some other plan afoot...

At the police station, the aforementioned Mrs Battersby is trying to get some action on the topic of Les' abode. It dawns on the police officer that Les may well be driving the van, while banned, and his enthusiasm for this "domestic" increases considerably. Janice realises she might be about to get Les into real trouble and she tries to backpedal.

Des and Kevin go to Curly's house to see Sam. She tries on her innocent look, telling them that, yes she did overhear Kevin and Natalie talking, but only about the garage, and that was all she told Sally. Kevin begs her to explain this minor misunderstanding to Sally, but Samantha refuses. She won't be involved in his problems. Alec arrives [we're not sure why, but it's a convenient plot device for...] and Sam turns all helpless and grabs him for support, telling him these two nasty big boys were telling lies about her, and, no surely not, she thought they might *hit her* ! Alec bundles Kevin and Des out, who have wisely decided that a retreat is in order. Samantha dishes more dirt on Natalie and Des, telling Alec that Des has been telling people that Alec has been harassing Natalie behind the bar. Alec is furious.

Janice and the police office arrive at the corner shop. "That's him ?", says the policeman, pointing at Les. Janice tries another bluff, but it doesn't work. Les is most put out at being accosted in the street by a policeman [after his latest miscarriage of justice, you will recall.] The policeman's thunder is well and truly stolen when we see that Les has removed the van's wheels, and it is propped up on bricks, not being driven anywhere at all. The PC leaves. Les rounds on Janice, telling her this is the worst thing she has ever done. Wonderfully nonplussed, Janice pokes him in the gut and tells him in no uncertain terms to drag his van to the scrap heap, and throw himself after it !! Fred and Audrey throw in a little abuse from the sidelines as well.

Des opens the door to a fuming Alec, who proceeds to tell him that he won't have these stories spread about, "that's slander, that is". It doesn't take Des long to twig what's going on [see, I told you it'd be his turn for the shared brain soon]. He advises Alec that had he really heard about Natalie being harassed, the first thing he would have done would have been to thump the culprit. Alec is deflated. He's been Tango'd !

This episode was written by John Stevenson

If I wasn't feeling like s**t at the moment, I'd probably be trying to work up some invective about the tedious storyline around Samantha and the various victims of her ever more ridiculous lies. But I can't, sorry. It was nice to see Spider back, and Fred Elliott has truly assumed the mantle once belonging to the incomparable Reg Holdsworth, of being someone who can make you laugh with just an expression.

All round, improving. Slowly. [Bear with it, things are looking much better in the next couple of weeks.]

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***

Best line: Natalie bears the tray of chicken sandwiches to the bar, and checks with Alec that these *are* for Fred. "Yes", he replies, "oh, and he also wants...". "...stuffing !", adds Natalie, "I had noticed !".

Best scene: I'll give the honours to Kevin this week, who put in a good job of looking both bewildered and really worried about why he couldn't persuade Sally that nothing was going on with him and Natalie.

I'll just die quietly here in my corner now. Thanks for listening.

John Laird

Monday 15 June

As the cat curls on the rooftop we cut to Curly's kitchen where Tiger is licking an empty saucer. Sam goes to get his food from the fridge, but there's a knock at the door. It's Des. He wants to talk to her about the lies she told Alec about him and Natalie last night. Sam tries to shut the door in his face as she doesn't want to talk, but his foot stops her. As Des is about to leave, an unexpected unintentional houseguest steps out into the street, miaowing as he does. It is not clear whether Des recognises Tiger, but he picks the cat up, saying 'come to your Uncle Des'. Perhaps he has realised it is Tiger, though he only calls him 'Puss', and has also realised that Sam has held him hostage.

Sally calls at her own house to find Kevin snatching breakfast. She announces that she can't stay at Rita's, and the gurrrls need their own beds; she wants her home back, so she wants Kevin out.

Les emerges from the camper van to greet the dawn. well, dawn plus four. A passing NSE looks at him and his apparel distastefully. Janice comes out of the house and comments about the state of him, how he's a disgrace and is bringing shame on the family. He tells her that his record could have had him staying in the Big House if he hadn't had his wits about him when she brought the Police round. Janice comments that it's a pity that that didn't happen. She goes off to work. In his rage Les kicks the wing, which causes the van to teeter precariously on its pile of bricks.

Kevin is still trying to make Sally believe him that Sam is lying, and that he and Natalie are not planning anything other than the sale of her share of the garage. He explains that Sam's motive is jealousy over Des and Natalie. Sally can't see how this can have any bearing on her and Kevin. Sally reiterates that she'll never live under the same roof as Kevin again, and he repeats that he won't move out of his home because she chooses to believe some malicious gossip instead of him. He goes off to the garage telling her that if she's still there when he gets home, then fine.

A lonely, tearful Judeh is sitting at the kitchen table. The phone rings, but it's not Gary. It's Paul Fisher checking up on her absence.

Nurse Mouton is serving meals on wheels to Jim, so she is. He tries to tell her he doesn't need her charity, he can just about manage for himself - he can prepare a bowl of cereal and wash up. 'Another Good Samaritan' says Jim as there's a knock at the door, only this time it's Judeh, come to ask if he's seen Gareh, and then explain that Gareh isn't ill, he's walked out on her. 'Everybody has rows,' says Jim, 'he'll be back, so he will'. 'Not this time' replies Judeh, ominously, adding that her condition isn't going to make any difference.

In the back room of the Rovers, Natalie arrives to speak to Alec. He's been waiting for her to come and explain how he has been branded as a groper. She tells him that Sam is lying, because it's what she does best. Alec is sceptical, but Natalie reminds him of the hoax Tony accident call, how Sam then blamed Sally, concocted the story about her and Kevin planning to elope with Sally's inheritance, and all because she can't bear Natalie being friendly with Des. Alec is almost coming round to believing her when there's a knock at the back door - it's Des bearing her feline friend. 'He's been in Curly's...... Samantha had him'.

In the Kabin, Leanne is criticising RJanice for calling the Police over Les and the Camper Van - 'I know he's a waste of space, and he can be a right toerag, but you shouldn't have called the Police'. RJanice is regretting her actions, only that camper van is an eyesore on her doorstep, and 'I don't want people thinking we're rubbish'. Leanne can see that she's upset about more than just the camper, and between the tears RJanice admits that it's Les. He has no consideration for her or anybody, he just takes her for granted. 'Any old port in a storm, that's me'. Tearfully, she goes back to work.

Betty carries in a tray of pies as Natalie and Alec are setting up the bar, Sam arrives late to a rebuke from Alec. She asks if 'he's said anything yet,' presumably referring to the previous night's allegations, Alec says no, but it won't go unmentioned. Natalie adopt an ingratiating smile as she answers Sam's question about whether she has found her cat yet. Natalie says not, although she did see one on the way to work that looked a bit like Tiger. Sam suggests that sometimes one has to accept the inevitable, and Natalie nearly manages to force a tear to play along with her own deception.

Alec comments, in a great missed opportunity of a line 'Well I'm sure we're all very sorry about Natalie's cat, but this is a pub, not a Wildlife sanctuary - we've pies to serve and pints to pull.' He could have done a 'Mrs Slocombe' (after all, Mollie Sugden played Nellie Harvey, Annie Walker's friend) and referred to 'Natalie's Pussy'

Studley II drives up, and chats with Fiona. He's back earlier than expected, and Fiona says that she knows somebody who'll be pleased to see him.

Leanne goes looking for Les, and finds him performing repairs to the van with parcel tape. She's doing her Henry Kissinger bit, and suggests that Janice is regretting chucking him out, and that if he would only do something special, and stop taking her for granted, she might take him back. She suggests some flowers, but Les reminds her that he hasn't got the transport any more to get down the cemetery. Leanne tells him not to be so stupid, but to send some flowers, delivered to RJanice at work - in front of all her mates.

I've realised what's been wrong with Les all this time, apart from his acting. He's always been clean shaven. He looks far more yobbish with a day's growth.

Muppets 1 and 2 (with Baby Muppet) are chatting outside the salon. Maxime's going into town to check out flats to let - she feels she can't live with her mum any longer. Fiona teases her that that is obviously connected with a certain salesman recently back in town - Maxime's eyes light up, and she runs off to the factory to find him.

Betty wants to know what's up with Sam and Natalie. She knows summat's up, she can smell it. Alec suggests it's best to keep out of it - 'The wise observe, and the curious get bitten.'

At the bar, Nurse Mouton is recounting the story of Gareh's disappearance to Steve, and it seems that Liz knows why he's gone - 'er no, it's not what he's done....'

Des and Kevin arrive together, to see Sam. Natalie makes herself scarce. Alec tries to defuse the situation by suggesting that he might not be as good looking as her but he pulls a better pint, but Sam comes over anyway, saying she has nothing to say to them. Des plays his trump card, or rather his trump cat, saying that a dumb animal can put the record straight - cue Natalie bringing Tiger in and putting him on the bar top. Alec notes that the cat seems to recognise Samantha - but then it would, as she's had him hidden in Curly's house for the last four days. Four days? In The Real World it's been two weeks hasn't it? Realisation begins to dawn on Sam that she's been rumbled. And no realisation from Alec that his sneezing when he called at Curly's was due to cat allergy. A Spoiler for Wednesday perhaps?

END OF PART ONE

'OK' says Sam, 'I took the cat, I made the phone call, I told a lie. So what?' Alec explains that allegations like that could ruin his business and Kevin asks why she picked on him. She tells Alec that he's a dirty old man, and Kevin that he's pathetic and that Sally didn't take much persuading to believe her lies. Natalie intervenes, telling Sam that she's a nasty little girl who likes ruining people's lives - an accusation that gets returned. Des's fists are about to fly when Alec stops him and tells Sam that she is fired. 'You can't sack me, you sad little man - I Quit!' And off she goes.

Chez Battersby, Leanne and Les are studying a pile of black boxes, that look very much like disco equipment. 'You break these, and I'll kill you' she tells him. He has an idea for winning RJanice back.

Back at the bar, our wronged foursome are reliving the recent occurrences, and discussing the relief that it is all over. Kevin in particular is keen that Sally should know that his version was the truth. Alec buys a round to apologise for not believing Des last night. Actually he calls Betty over (who has been talking to the wall behind the bar-hatch all through this scene, indeed since before the adverts). Natalie declines his uncharacteristically generous offer, saying that there's 'somebody I have to see, before she goes'. They realise that she means Sam, Natalie still thinks it's a good idea to go after her.

RAudreh arrives with Fred, I say, RAudreh arrives with Fred, still wittering about the nerve of Spider to stand for the council post vacated by Alfeh. It makes her all the more determined to stand against him. Fred starts to fantasise about Audreh dressed in Mayoral robes, and how they would cover up her girlish figure. Fred wonders where it could end if they played their cards right, but Audrey is already thinking about a new wardrobe. He is being an outrageous flirt, and offers to become her campaign manager. 'And you'd do all that for me?', she asks. 'There's a lot of things I could do for you, Audrey' leers Fred. RAudreh finally recognises his intentions.

Cut to the Street where we see Sam's bike parked next to Les's camper van. But what's that? What are all the extra lights on the vehicle? It's the disco lighting kit, on the front bumper. What is that Les up to?

A florist's van arrives, with a bouquet for RJanice. She wonders who her admirer is, but Sally spots the greetings card. RJanice reads it out: 'Some people want a big fast car or win the Lottery, I just want you back 'cos I'm as sad as I can be'. The girls laugh.

Cue Disco!

'I'm not in Love, so don't forget it, I'm just a silly phase I'm going through........'

Actually, I rushed things there. First we hear the opening chords of 10cc's 1974 classic (I'll check later - don't flame me if I forget), then see Les's plimsoll clad feet walking from the side of the van. As the camera pans up we see the velvet jacket, frilly shirt and dicky bow. And Les. Doing Karaoke. Priceless.

As he goes into 'It's because.....' he sings it deliberately off key, and Janice just melts into his arms. Les carries her off, and over the threshhold. Mike Baldwin comes out, as insensitive as ever - 'what's all this then, a religious revival?' Sally tells him what the occasion is, and then we see Les leaning out of the bedroom window with a lascivious look on his face. Baldwin asks the obvious question - 'what are they doing up there then?' and then comments that she'd better not be late back from lunch!

Natalie has called on Sam, and has presumably not noticed the disco outside. She wants answers: Why did she do it? Why set out to ruin people's lives? But Sam isn't for answering.

Kevin goes home to catch Sally on her lunchbreak, but she's not there. He tries at the Kabin, where Rita won't let him check in the flat. Rita is unsympathetic, and will only say that she'll tell Sally if and when she sees her. As Kevin leaves, Sally comes out from the back.

Post coitus, Les is pouring the tea, and RJanice is enjoying the flowers. She tells him that he's still the only one for her, he can still do it for her - when he's sober. She agrees that he can move back in as long as he shifts the van by the weekend. To celebrate, Les takes her hands and leads her up to the bedroom. 'Not again' says RJanice, not exactly unenthusiastically.....

Outside the Kabin, Studley and Muppet are making a date, but as Maxime leaves Greg seems more interested in Sally - he tells her that he doesn't mean to pry, but if there's anything she wants to talk about...... Sally seems sincere when she thanks him for his offer.

Orange girl in leathers sits astride her bike. 'What about you Sammy, just away on your holidays, eh?' Yes, those words could only have been spoken by Big Jim, who has managed to get his wheelchair into the Street - funny, when he couldn't get it through interior doors last week. Anyway, Sam has second thoughts about leaving just then, and asks Jim to watch her bike (wasn't it his, previously?) as she walks up the Street.

In the Rovers Ashley asks Mike for a job for Zoe, but Mike turns him down - 'only Leanne Battersby would be lower down on my list of prospective employees.' As Zoe is doing an 'I told you so' routine, Sam arrives and agrees that 'it's pointless around here, Zoe, I'd get out as soon as you could' As she turns to go, she tells Des that she /is/ pregnant, she is still carrying his baby.

Back to Jim, where she asks him to say goodbye to Curly for her, and roars off towards Rosamund Street. Des come running out of the Rovers crying 'Samantha, Samantha', but it's too late. Natalie tells him that Sam is lying, she lied about everything else, but our favourite thwarted father to be realises that 'he'll never know'........

Episode written by Ken Blakeson.

Wednesday 17 June

Dear Update Readers,

With no further ado, here is the update for Wednesday June 17th:

It is morning in the Battersby household, and Les and Janice, still not satiated by their night of unbridled passion, are still exploring each other's tonsils. A disgusted Toyah looks on, complaining that she has been kept awake all night by Les's serenading of Janice with Stevie Wonder songs. Janice tells her that "music is the food of love", to which Toyah retorts: "Well you've obviously had a run-in with that E-Coli thingy then." Les eventually wins Toyah over to their side, however, when he gives her £5 to go and buy herself some breakfast. As she departs, the tongue marathon continues apace.

Outside in the Street, Kevin is still trying to impress on Sally that he has no designs on Natalie and is definitely not planning to run away with her. Sally remarks that she is virtually past caring what he does, so long as he keeps his grimy little paws off her mother's money.

Also treading the hallowed cobbles is Judeh, still distraught following Gareh's sudden disappearance. Natalie picks up on Judeh's mood and asks her whether she'd like to talk about it, and so the two arrange to meet later on for a heart-to-heart.

Les's camper van is still giving various residents of the Street a lot of grief. Ken Barlow is one of them, and when he sees Les, he wastes no time in telling him that he has to get it moved. Les, no longer in need of the van, tells Ken that it is no longer his problem, and that if the council wish to come and tow it away, they're more than welcome.

At the House of Elliot, Leanne tells Whoopsie Boy that she can't stop thinking of Darren Whateley and the way that they've stitched him up. Whoopsie Boy counters by saying that her thoughts are wasted on the likes of Whateley: after all, does Darren W ever think of the man he killed? "My dad's been dead for nine years," lisps Whoopsie Boy, "and he'll never be able to come out on parole." (The powers of observation that this lad has are amazing; nevertheless, the dead *do* sometimes walk, as Whoopsie Boy himself should know better than most).

Also in the House of Elliot, Ashley tells Zoe that she needs to get herself down to the Job Centre and find some form of employment, although Zoe doesn't look that keen.

At the Rovers, Des apologises to Alec for all the grief caused by Tango Girl. Alec accepts his apology graciously, relieved that the awful rumours about his being a 'dirty old man' have finally been dispelled. Des says that the damage done by Tango Girl is virtually irreparable, especially where his relationship with Natalie is concerned. Alec is not so sure, and encourages Des to try for reconciliation with her.

Also in the Rovers, Janice is telling Sally about her night of passion with Les. Sally is pleased for her, but a little piqued that she herself is having such a bad time of things. Janice tells her that if she wants rid of Kevin, all she has to do is point him in the direction of Les's camper van. Sally's spirits are lifted momentarily, though, when she exchanges a few pleasantries with Greg at the bar. [To the person who emailed me to ask whether the actor who plays Greg is a 'sister', I can say only one thing: if he isn't, then I'm Ivana Trump].

The Rovers backroom (and I use the word 'backroom' guardedly because it's unlike any backroom I've ever been in] is also the setting for a little scene between Kevin and Alec. Kevin is desperate to convince Sally that he has no designs on Natalie, and so he begs Alec to tell Sal all about Samantha's lies and treachery. Alec agrees and so they head off towards the Webster residence. Sally listens to them and eventually realises that she had hold of the wrong end of the stick. Having helped to exonerate Kevin, Alec leaves the couple to kiss and make up. But there are no kisses and the making-up is shambolic to say the least: they both realise that their union is past its prime, and their attempts to show willing are sadly threadbare and unconvincing. Sally cuts a particularly tragic figure, sitting there dazed in the ruins of her crumbled marriage.

In the Kabin, Toyah and Janice are thumbing through some magazines - none of which appeal to them, not even this month's Cosmo with its ridiculous nude centrefold featuring Whoopsie Boy in all his 'glory'. Speak of the Devil and he appears, for it is Whoopsie Boy himself, come to make the peace with Leanne. But his mission is doomed and she sends him away with a flea in his ear.

Meanwhile, Judeh and Natalie are having their heart-to-heart, as arranged. After beating around the bush a little, Judeh finally comes clean and tells Natalie that she slept with Paul Fisher for £2000, and that this unsavoury little experience is something that will haunt her for the rest of her life. Natalie tells her that she shouldn't reproach herself so much. "You've got to put it behind you," she advises her kindly. [Exactly the same advice I got many years ago, and I haven't looked back since].

Back at the Websters, Kevin and Sally are finding it very difficult to put their past behind them, and the words which they exchange send Sally running from the house in tears. She bumps into Greg, who suggests that in order to hide the fact that she has been crying, she should go into the factory office and pretend to look for some files. This she does, only to be caught by Janice - but caught in the nicest sense of the word, because Janice shows obvious concern over her friend's distraught state. Greg later joins Sally in the office and, in an attempt to cheer her up, invites her out for a drink later that evening. Sally declines, however, giving the usual excuse that she has a home to run and children to see to.

Zoe, meanwhile, has returned from the Job Centre and is full of enthusiasm over the number of jobs on the market. What's more, she's going back tomorrow, when a kind assistant will help her fill out the forms and tell her what she's qualified for. Ashley says that in all fairness, she's not really qualified to do anything. Zoe disagrees: there's always shop work, or even child-minding. [True, Zoe: I hear the Eappens are looking for a nanny with your kind of background to replace Louise].

Back at the Rovers, Ken and Audreh are bitching about the eyesore that is Les's camper van, with Audreh assuring Ken that once she has a seat on the council, she will make sure that the van is towed away to the crusher, hopefully with Les still in it. Janice agrees with Ken that the camper van is a blight on the landscape, but is adamant that she'll have no-one 'hound' her Les over it. "Spoken like a 'real' woman!" says Les, hugging Janice and laughing in Barlow's smarmy face.

Back at the Websters, Sally suggests a little holiday as a means of patching up their marriage. She would be content with a week in Rhyll, no doubt, but Kevin suggests a fortnight in Florida, especially since "the girls would benefit the most." Sally is not so sure; never having ventured much further than Scarborough, she feels that Florida is too far away for comfort.

And finally, Des takes Alec's advice and tries for reconciliation with Natalie. We see them embrace on her doorstep before she invites him to spend the night....

And that's it, folks. Normal service will be resumed next week....

Hugs, CP

Friday 19 June

A relentless pace in an attempt to catch up the backlog, so again, no prologue this week, its straight into theupdate - sponsored by Cadbury

The episode commences with Leanne sneaking her visitor's pass to see Darren Whateley into her bag... Tilly asks her whether she can get off work early, but she tells a little white lie... well, OK, a whopper, she's working and not to ask Rita for time off. Enter St. Ashley, patron saint of lame ducks, to remind them that if they see Zoe today, then would they remind her that she has an appointment at the job centre... there's been a rush on Brain Surgeons and they are clean out, sorry, mustn't be flippant, there's been nothing of the sort.... nobody is interested in picking up that particular ball... Tilly tries to be assertive, but Leanne tells him not to ask Rita or even bother coming into the shop, as she (Leanne) will be working all day. Zoe surfaces and her minder reminds her about the job interview... not that she can see any point. Ash points out that she seemed keen, but she reminds him, that was yesterday... she doesn't really want to be a cleaner or usherette. Helpful Tilly points out that this is a good wheeze, you get to see all the films for free, but all she can see is the prospect of seeing the films three times a day for week until you know them backwards... (at this point, I realise that this might be the ideal job for Simon... I mean whenever he records a film on video he play that back umpteen times... hmm, nope, maybe not, him in a pinnie with high heels, nope, I don't see it .....) when Zoe disappears, RAsh says that she's always down first thing in the morning, she'll cheer up.

"So, me and mummy was thinking" says the grammatically and politically incorrect Kevin to the brats " and we thought the Lake District for the nice walks!" Sounds OK to me, but not for the brats. "Or Scotland for the views!" Hey now this is getting better and better.. I mean, I would rate Scotland alongside Poland or Canada, as a nomination for God's Own Country..... but no! He's taking the p**s! "Alright, how about America?" is greeted with great cheers all round, except from Sally. She's determined not to enjoy her mum's money (yep, tell me about guilt) and is looking to throw any obstacle in Kev's way, but RKev has undergone a remarkable transmogrification (if that's the right word!!) - he's turned into Action Man!! Yes, he's going to book the holiday this morning! Problem? What problem?? Sally tries to get the girls upstairs, so that she can give him a pasting, but he's determined to win the set and comes in on the advantage point by telling the kids that they're going for two weeks - rejoicing all round from the brats, as we hear the sound fo a rug being pulled fast and hard. As they go upstairs, Sally lays into Kev... she's not sure whether they are going to be able to book anywhere, but Action Man sees no such problems... have wife's money, will travel!! She's cheesed off that he's announcing it as definite, but that's just a matter of time, as far as he's concerned, in fact, dinner-time (lunchtime to the civilised world!). "Think positive!" is his clarion call.

Back at Nastily Mansions, Desi looks worn out after a night of passion, but there's plenty more where that came from. "Are we still be friends?" is his question.. strange question to ask after a night of advanced mattress testing. "Friends and lovers? Don't we have to make a choice?" she teases.... Desi reckons that friendship is over-rated (my mind starts wandering to the Monty Python "Nudge Nudge.. say no more!" sketch... woohoo!) and Nasty doesn't really want to choose right now (after all, don't you have to go all round the clock before you make your mind up??) She'll let him know... but, in the meantime, there's more road-testing to be done, as she plants a smacker on his lips. Anyway, she needs to get to work at the Rovers. Our gallant knight offers her a lift - she's not sure whether them being seen together is a good thing - but he has no doubts... after all, he was just passing the bus-stop and offered her a lift. She agrees this is a good course of action, even though no-one will believe it. ( I must say, that the great thing about their relationship, for me, is that you can just picture the rampant passionate sex.... )

At T'Kabin, Leanne is talking to Rita about prison visits, as you do. Leanne is telling Rita that she needs a couple of hours off this afternoon and explains that RDarren is banged up in the Big Highse again, he was only out on licence.. which means that he only stays free as long as he behaves himself, to which Reet quips that there are a lot of marriages like that. Rita is horrified when Leanne tells her that she has arranged a visit. Leanne has a conscience and just needs to talk to Darren and explain why it all happened. (Good lass! I mean, she might come from a family of scumbags, but clearly, she has some morals and redeeming features!) Anyway Rita is envisaging the reception Leanne will get in the nick, after all this was the guy who frightened her, well her feelings might do her credit but what can she actually do?

In the middle of all of this Zoe wanders in to have "twenty of whatever's cheapest" (hmm, you can see Rita reaching for the Paraquat Lozenges...). Leanne reminds her that she has an appointment, but Zoe cannot see the point, because you need to go to college and get some qualifications. When Rita asks why doesn't she do just that, she says all she wants is a job, in fact, she doesn't even want a job, just lots of money!! Exit stage left with customary packet of fags...

Leanne shows Rita the authority letter she has received to visit Whateley, but Rita pleads with her not to go. Clearly, Leanne has a conscience...

Des drops off Natalie outside the pub and announces to the world that he's just giving her a lift.... As he's walking with a pronounced limp (Joke! Joke!), we know better. She is embarrassed, or is it flattered, whatever... the night has brought a glow to her cheeks, and her face has a bit more colour too!

As she wanders to the pub, she passes Zoe sitting in the gutter (no change there!), having a cigarette. She decides to confront her and tells her about her conversation she'd had with Judy Mallett. She tells her that she hopes she is proud of what she's done to Judy's marriage. Zoe makes out that she doesn't know what Natalie is on about, until Nasty tells her that Gary walked out on Judy. "Yes, Gary, who'd have been none wiser had you kept your big mouth shut!"

Outside the garage, RKev accosts Mike Baldwin. He tells him that they are hoping to go to Florida on holiday and he needs a favour... would it be OK if Sally could change her holiday, if she needed to... Mike agrees on condition that "that lot" (referring to his workforce) don't get to hear about it.

Zoe sees Steve in the street... she tries to pump him for information about Gary and whether he has split up with Judy. When Steve tells her that it is none of his business, she recognises this as an admission of fact.

Maxime, Audrey and Fee are talking about flats and houses. Steve tells Max that the cheapest is £30,000, which provokes some shock from Max, who tells him that she cannot afford that. "Well stay at your mum's and save up" is Fee's response, but that doesn't appear to be what Maxime wants. Anyway, Audrey suddenly has rush of blood to the head and suggests that RMax talks to Fred Elliott, as there is an empty abode above the corner shop, now that Chris has gone.

Leanne is about to go out to visit Whateley, obviously full of mixed feelings... a gal's got do what a gal's got do, so Rita warns her that she must be careful....

Back at the Rovers, after her night of passion, Natalie asks BettyHotPot what she thinks of Des. "Lovely! Very genuine!" is Betty's character assessment. "Trouble with him, though, is he picks the wrong women!" When N looks for an explanation, Betty obliges "Flirty type, you know, here today, gone tomorrow! What Des'd really like is to settle down!"

The two Muppets come in and see Fred, I say, they see Fred. Fee instructs Maxime on what to say to Fred....

Sally is annoyed at Kevin sorting out her holiday arrangements behind her back, Baldwin is her boss, not his. Anyway, Action Man couldn't afford to hang around and he's booked the holiday. Baldwin comes in on cue, looking for praise as to what a generous employer he is, but Sally tells him that she has just heard about it.

Fred confirms that there is no-one in the flat and agrees provisionally to let it at the same rent that Chris Collins was paying. He suggests the Max sees him about it next week.

Baldwin has a moan with Fred about Sally, how he has given her two weeks off for a super holiday with the family and she's giving me that look of "what's the catch, what's in it for you?" "Very cynical world these days", says Fred, as Mike continues to say that he was about to tell her, but decided not to... He wants to have the feeling that she owes him something when they have their next wage negotiations.

We are at the Prison and Leanne has come to visit Whateley. She sees him across the room and walks over

... as the theme tune comes in, on cue for the end of part 1

After the ads, it's

Part 2
Zoe is knocking on Judy's door... she is cheesed off at being blamed by Natalie for Gareh leaving. Judy tells her that she shouldn't have done and when Zoe asks for confirmation of this piece of news, she lets Zoe into the house.

We are in the Big Highse now and Leanne is thanking Darren Whateley for allowing her to visit him - she wants to explain. Darren tells her that he is not proud of what he has done, killing someone, but at least he didn't plan it? (Ah well, makes it alright then, eh?) What she and Leanne have done - set him up - that is evil, he says. He tells her that she might have a pretty face, but underneath, she is worse than him.

Judeh is explaining how she needed to open up to someone and Nat was the nearest around, she apologises if she gave the impression that she was blaming Zoe. When Zoe asks why Judeh told Gareh, Judeh answers that she thought that Zoe would spill the beans, so it was better coming from her own lips. Zoe maintains that she would never have spilt the secret. Judy is concerned that Gareh should forgive her, but Zoe expresses surprise at Gareh's reaction. Judy understands that most men would probably behave the same way, and when Zoe asks her whether Gareh will come back, Judeh replies that she doesn't know, she hopes so, she wants him back anyway, but she found out as a result of her scan that she is expecting twins and Gareh doesn't even know. (At this point, a spooky thing happened in the household... my dearest made some comments about there being two fathers... what do I find when I look up Mike's CSVU site, but one spooky Pooky (Jane Pook) makes exactly the same comments... Alan starts wondering to whom he is married...)

Back in the clink, Leanne is whittering on about her not realising that Whateley would end up back in prison, she only went to the police because he frightened her. When Whateley asks why she wrote the letters, she says Nick put her up to it.... (hmm, she WAS jailbait...), but it wouldn't have gone any further, only Whateley came round. Whateley tells her that he knows the letters were a trap to ensnare him and that they didn't show his letters to the police, because if she had done so, then he would not be back in prison. He says that he had tried to protest his innocence, but no-one had believed him and he had burned everything on his first day out - she should be glad as it gets her off the hook. Everyone believes her, he tells her. Leanne agrees but says that it doesn't mean she is glad to see him back in prison. Whateley pleads with her to get him out of prison, she is the only one who can, she must go back to the police, tell them about her letters, what was in them.

Back in t'boozer, Mike is telling Mogadon Man Greg that a young lady was after him earlier.. Maxine. "Oh, Max, yeah the name rings a bell!" is Greg's enthusiastic reply. Mike laughs and reckons how MM is going to become a cropper one of these days, pushing a pram, worrying about a mortgage! "Not for a while, yet, though!" is MM's retort.

Seeing Sally wandering past, MM excuses himself to have a quick word with her... probably two words are what he has in mind "drop 'em", but he makes polite chit-chat about hearing how she is going to Florida. She is unenthusiastic in her reply, until he tells her he was thinking of going there himself and says he'd like to find out all out it when she gets back. Her Sallyness brightens up, her beaming face dazzling onlookers miles away as she starts preening herself.

As Sally leaves enter Maxime... MM gets brain in gear and, lying through his teeth, tells her that he was just going to look for her. "Oh, honest?" gushes our brain-challenged specimen. She orders him a drink and says that she has something really exciting to tell him after.

Audrey and Fred come in and join Mike - Fred gets the drinks in... he tells her that she cannot go sneaking off home as she has a campaign to run and voters to sway.

Max is telling MM about the flat and how it's going to be handy for here, work and for "whatever we like"... she's going to view it next week.

Back in T'Kabin, Leanne is explaining to Rita how she is the only one who can get Whateley out of prison. Rita, concerned, tells her that she hopes she hasn't made any rash promises, but Leanne tells her that the only promise she made was to think about it.

Enter Nick ... he's left his key behind and wants to borrow Leanne's copy.

When he goes out of the shop, Rita suggests that Leanne goes home early to tell Nick... unfortunately, Leanne says that she cannot think of what to say to him, she daren't tell him she's been to visit Darren in prison

The Webster brats are asking whether they can take dolls with them on holiday.. Kevin says one each is fine, and asks for Sally's confirmation. As they run off, she is hesitant about something... Kevin persuades her to come clean and she tells him that the main reason they are going on holiday is for the girls, it's not like therapy for themselves. Kevin is surprised at her using the word, as if there is something seriously wrong between them. He takes umbrage and says that she really doesn't want to go on the holiday. Sally's reply of "never mind what I want, we are going" doesn't exactly placate him and he tells her that the holiday can still be cancelled. With that, he calls the girls downstairs to tell them that they are not going - "don't you dare.. you can play games with me, but don't play games with them!" is her reply. He then puts her on the spot and asks whether they are going... she assents and as Kev tells the girls it was nothing, we hear her muttering "great start!" "Yeah welll, maybe it'll get better" sighs Kevin

We are back in the Rovers and Fred Elliott is holding forth "I'm telling you the day will come that this lady will be known as the Eva Peron of local government." "Could be case of 'don't cry for me, Weatherfield council!'" quips Alec. Mike Baldwin tells Audreh he doesn't know why she is standing for the council. Our Aud falters, as is common when brain needs to be put into gear, but no worries, trusty Fred is there with the helpful "because she is following in the steps of her husband, Alf, and fighting for honesty and integrity in Local Government!" "Oh, that's why!" chuckles Mike as Fred adds "well, it'll do to be going on with!"

As they drink to her, we see Des coming into pub.. he sidles up to Natalie who asks "and what can I do for you?" "Well, you can stop asking me questions like that, for a start" says Des, rising to the occasion. He asks whether anyone noticed them arriving together and when she says that she doesn't think so, he tells her he isn't surprised as they are all too busy with their own liaisons. He asks whether she fancies something to eat later on and she plays the teasing "I don't know, I'll see how I feel later on" game... nudge, nudge, say no more!!

Outside in the street, Fred is reminding Audrey "you want to bear that phrase for later on, in case you get stuck - 'honesty and integrity' - that's what you're standing for..." and as they pass Les' campervan, he adds "and for getting rid of eyesores, like that!" Audrey shows her frustration as to why Les doesn't just shift the van. "Perhaps, we should shift it for him" offers Fred and kicks at the van... a few seconds later, the van is lying on its side having toppled over, as a result of Fred's boot! "I didn't mean that!" exclaims a sorry looking Fred. Mike and Des come out of the pub and hearing the commotion to ask who did the deed. "Two lads!! says our honest butcher "messing out, they saw us coming and they pushed it over and then they ran off!" Mike is amused and wonders who is going to tell Les - Des volunteers as Fred and Audrey beat a sneaky retreat as Audreh "has come over a bit faint" says Fred. As they move off down the street, Audreh asks Fred "what was that phrase again, Fred, honesty and..." "Never mind, just get in that car" is Fred's embarrassed reply.

We are back at Ashley's and he is asking Zoe whether she is going to go to the job centre on Monday - she is non-committal - he tries to come up with a valid reason for her non appearane today "you could tell them you've been poorly". "You will be in a minute, if you don't stop going on."

Nick pops his head around the kitchen door... Leanne is sitting there and tells him that she cannot stop thinking about what they did. She says that Darren Whateley is in prison because of what they did. Nick corrects her "he's in prison because of what he did, which, in case, you'd forgotten was killing my dad!" Leanne points out that Whateley has been punished for that, this is extra, all because of them, because they didn't tell the police about them stupid letters. Tilly is not bothered, as long as his father's murderer is in prison, he is pleased. He tells her to leave it alone, that they haven't told the police about the letters and they are not going to.

Cue music and credits
Episode written by Peter Whalley
Script Copyright ITV Television

Well, how was it for me?

Not that brilliant an episode, the usual wooden acting from Kev, Greg and Maxime didn't help. Whateley and Leanne were convincing in their respective parts.

The highlights, undoubtedly, were some lovely moments of comedy as provided by the ever splendid Fred Elliott.

And that's it for now.. ...so until I see ya next week, take care...

Hugs and kisses from Tinky^ (Alan)

Sunday 21 June

The update crew are still struggling to get right up to date (as it were) and so I'll make this as short as necessary to get it finished by 5 this evening, a quick trip through the spell-checker (and a disinfectant bath, I'm still coughing and wheezing), and off through the portal to virtual world.

Just one quick apology in passing. I clearly did for the Scottish World Cup team last week, just before their final match. What a disgrace. And of course In-ger-land went on to win quite impressively. No more from me.

And without further ado, straight into the main business.

Act 1
Owing to a timing blunder [and I'm sure it was all ITV's fault, they're absolutely terrible at starting Corry up to two minutes early], the very first scene tonight went mostly missing. Judging by the last frame or two, and the next scene, Leanne and Nick are continuing to disagree about what to do about Darren. Nick has probably flounced out, and Leanne is none too pleased.

Nick races past Audreh, not acknowledging her greeting, as she and Fred watch Stan the scrap man load Les' toppled camper van onto the back of a pickup truck. Fred confides in Audrey that he personally was responsible for this. As the truck starts up and drives off, Les appears at his window demanding to know what's going on. He runs downstairs and legs it around the corner in a vain attempt to catch up with Stan. Janice watches from the bedroom window, beaming. [Janice has a *huge* cheesey grin.]

In the cafe, Roy brings Spider and Toyah their camomile teas [please don't try this at home, children, camomile tea tastes *awful*]. He appears to be in somewhat of a daze, though. Spider has his nomination papers for the council election, and asks Roy if he will add his name to the list of supporters. Roy willingly agrees. Spider tells Toyah that he is now halfway to the required 10 signatures, and suggests there is little chance of getting Gail to sign. Toyah has a brainwave [if this was a cartoon, there'd be a small light-bulb above her head] and takes the papers over to the counter, carefully folding them on the way. She presents these to Gail as a sponsor form of a different kind. "Oh, for wildlife ?" asks Gail. "Something like that..." replies Toyah, and the deed is done.

Outside the Rovers, Jack and Vera are returning from their holidays. Vera spots Judy, and tells her they have been away to Rhyl [of which I have no personal knowledge, but the name cropped up in Brookside recently sounding like the last place to go on holiday] with Tricia and Jamie and Brad, and presumably the baby as well. She says how nice it is to have holidays with kiddies - "you've that to look forward to. And ante-natal classes, they'll be starting soon. Take Gary with you too. Our Jack thought he only had to be there for lights out and the curtain call." Judy looks strained throughout and manages to confess that Gary has left her, before rushing off to catch her bus to work.

Vera finds Jack with Alec in the backroom of the pub, and tells them she has some shock news. "Sit down", interrupts Jack, "Alec's got some too". Sam has left, and Natalie's been given the week off. Vera's not pleased with the prospect of being short-staffed for so long.

Steve is buying some chewing gum in the Kabin. [This is probably a vital building material in his line of business.] Leanne serves him, and offers him the wrong change. As he points this out, Rita appears from the back to confirm he is right. Steve takes his change and leaves. Rita asks Leanne what her problem is, that's the third time today she's got the change wrong. Leanne tells her how she still can't persuade Nick to go to the police with her, he is obsessed with getting revenge on his father's killer, and won't take her feelings into account.

Audreh arrives in the pub with her nomination papers. She sits down with Gail, and asks her to lend her support. Gail asks her if she is sure, it's not all fancy do's and posh frocks and expenses, there's all that bitching and backbiting as well ? "Nothing I can't handle", responds Audreh. After a microsecond, Gail decides she's right, and signs up. Audreh wibbles on about how her ambition is to be Lady Mayoress in her own right. [Can anyone remember how long it is since we last saw Alfeh ?]

Vera asks Alec why he didn't persuade Samantha to stay. He tells her he would have had to sack Natalie and ban half the regular customers as well ! "It's a shame, she had a lovely smile", adds Betty. "I think that was half the trouble", replies Alec.

Leanne bumps into Gail leaving the pub, and tells her they need to talk. "About you and Nicky ? I always thought you'd fall apart in a few months. Is there someone else involved ?". "In a manner of speaking." "I see...". Leanne tells Gail that it's not about her and Nick, it's about him and Darren Whately - "him that killed your Brian !". Gail is taken back.

Intermission
Despatched in about 15 seconds with the video remote, and you can waste even less time reading this, before moving smartly on to...

Act 2
If Gail looked shocked earlier, she looks poleaxed now, as she asks Leanne what on Earth she [and Nicky] thought they were doing, messing about with a murderer. Words fail her when Leanne tells Gail that she had probably served him in the cafe.

Fred, I say Fred, has joined Audreh in the Rovers. He advises her to get a move on with completing her nomination papers. Audreh is very casual about it - "I'll not have to twist any arms to get signatures, I mean look at the opposition !". The opposition is persuading Betty to sign up, convincing her that he stands for a better environment for her grandkiddies [who we hear about but never ever see]. Betty is won over. "Only 3 to go", says Spider, spotting Ken Barlow sitting quietly in the corner...

Alec and Vera are still discussing the replacement bar staff. "It's a matter for careful consideration" says Alec, stressing that they must have "certain qualities !". Vera tells he she knows exactly what he's talking about, but assures him that "whoever gets this job won't be some bird- brained dolly bird with legs the length of Rosamund Street !".

Audreh approaches Ken and starts to give him the "it's not what you can do for me, it's what *I* can do for you" spiel. Ken interrupts her, telling her that he can't sign because he has already signed for Spider. [Which leaves us wondering exactly what's going to happen about Gail's apparent support for both candidates...] Audreh leaves, muttering darkly about how she is finding out who her "real friends are".

Gail asks Leanne if she is wanting her to talk to Nick, and tell him he did wrong in getting Darren re-imprisoned. "Yes." "I can't. I agree with Nick, Whateley's where he belongs." It's Leanne's turn to look shocked.

In the cafe, something unexpected happens as Roy takes an unopened letter and sits down at one of the tables, and stares at it - the camera angle swoops right up to ceiling level and gives us a view of most of the cafe from above. [Crivvens ! I hope we're not heading for anything like ER which just stops short of making me feel sea-sick with its continuously moving and rotating camerawork, or This Life where they've clearly been letting the cameraman have too many in the pub at lunchtime !!] Back to ground level as Roy takes a deep breath and opens the letter...

Steve has come to see Judy. He asks after her, and if there has been any word from Gary. There has not. He apologises, as he tells her he has had to take someone on in Gary's place. He liked Gary, and thought he was a good worker. Judy thanks Steve for his support, but tells him that she doesn't think Gary is coming back. Ever.

Alec implores Jack to sort his missus out - "she'll employ Frankenstein's daughter if we're not careful." Jack tries to reassure him, as everyone expects their pint to be served by someone "with a bit of bounce" [this with his hands suggestively cupping an ample bosom !]. "Vera understands that." "Maybe that's the problem", replies Alec. Jack goes on to say that he can't sway Vera himself. Alec doesn't believe she'll take any advice from him either. [Vera is the sole licencee, in case you'd forgotten.] Vera appears and tells Jack she will be putting an ad in the papers. "Are you sure" asks Jack, explaining that customers want a bit of glamour behind the bar. He deftly heads off the obvious counter-argument that Vera can supply this, by pointing out how she has to be the one to lay down the law in the event of any trouble, "and you can't do that one minute and be flirty the next." "We're having no more flirting and that's that !" responds our Vee. Jack's face falls, through the floor and into the cellar.

Les charges in and demands some immediate attention. All is not well with his world, as we discover how he didn't catch up with the scrap merchant's van, but did get his name and number, only to discover that the "owner" had phoned and asked for the van to be towed away. He announces to anyone who is listening [which is no-one] that it's all a conspiracy.

Jack tries one last time to persuade Vera to change her stance on recruits. She won't. "I want someone with brains, class, and charm. Everything you're not !".

Leanne tells Gail that whatever Whately had done, Nick and Gail's conspiracy of silence is still wrong. "It's worse than anything my family's ever done !" she cries, and runs out.

The episode ends with a knock at Judy's door. She is stunned, and then very happy, to see Gary standing outside. [And so am I - I think Gary's character is well worth keeping, and he is brilliantly acted by Ian Mercer.]

This episode was written by Phil Ford.

All round, not a bad episode, but not a great one either.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***

John Laird

Monday 22 June

Two hours ago I finished this update, then saved to floppy disk so that I could take it to my other PC for posting. Click, click whirr, there is a serious unrecoverable disk error. Serves me right for disabling 'Automatic save every 10 minutes' and not even saving to hard disk. I bet this doesn't happen in Windoze 95. So, here's another version. Might be easier to write as it's fresh in my mind, and I didn't want to watch the football anyway.

At the close of the last episode we saw a hand reach the knocker on the front door of The Mallett's. Now we see that it was Gareh's, he's returned from his brother's in Newcastle. Judy wants assurance that he hadn't told his family why he had gone there alone, which he gives. He says that he had gone for many long walks, so that he could think, and often felt that he wanted to walk out of his own life. He asks if she really loves him. Judy says she does, she never stopped loving him, she was desperate when he went off. Gareh asks her to help him, because he's scared by how he's feeling.

Saint Audrey is serving real lemonade, like Grandma used to make, made from real, unwaxed lemons, to RToyah and Spider on the patio. Well, her back yard really. They toast the completion of Spider's nomination form for the Council elections, but Emily wonders just how Gail came to nominate Spider when she would be expected to nominate her mother. 'Dirty business, politics', smiles Spider, to which a worried Emily asks 'tell me the worst...'

Gary is still trying to understand. Did Judeh plan to prostitute herself with Paul Fisher? Judeh says that she was only thinking about getting Babeh Kateh back. Gareh thinks there is nothing in the whole World worth doing /that/ for, but Judeh disagrees, it would have been worth it if she could have got Babeh Kateh back and saved her life. Gareh tells her that she can't love him enough. Judeh tries to draw a line under the experience, saying that what is done, is done, and Babeh Kateh is dead, but Gareh tells her that his feelings for her are dead too. He's frightened because all he can see in his mind is Judeh and Paul Fisher.

Gail is trying to get Martin at work from the cafe phone, but he's obviously too busy, what with working in every department a Street regular might need. Roy comes in, and surprisingly sits down at a table ordering a cup of tea and an almond slice. Fortunately there are only two other customers, so Gail can sit and talk.

Roy's problem is that he has had a letter from Hayley, who apparently has settled in Amsterdam. He is wracked with guilt, as he tells Gail, because he treated her very badly, and he is ashamed of his actions. More than that, he admires Hayley for taking the trouble to write such a nice letter, and obviously forgiving him. He thinks it is far easier to stay angry, rather than forgive. Gail thoughtfully agrees with this. 'What do I do?' asks Roy.

In the back room of the Rovers, Vera is reading 'How to Hire the Best', preparatory to interviewing prospective barstaff. Jack opines that all they need is 'a pretty little face and a big pair of bazoomas'. That will please eight out of ten punters. Alec happens by, but doesn't seem to want to get involved.

Gareh still wants answers how could she still say she loves him, when she went off with Paul Fisher? Judy insists that it wasn't like that, she 'blanked it all out'. Gary asks 'How can you blank it out when you've got a bloke goin' at yer? 'Because you can!!' Judy tells him that he ought to be thinking of her feelings, and it was only the once anyway. Gary isn't sure whether to believe this. She says that she knows she did wrong, but Gary needs to know that there'll be no repeat. He tells her he wants to be faithful to her until the day he dies, but he doesn't know how he's going to forgive her.

Leanne calls by at the House of Elliott to give Nick an ultimatum: either he goes to tell the Police the full story about Whately, or she does. Nick had started this scene by apologising to her for yesterday, and that he wants to forget the whole thing, but Leanne had other ideas.

END OF PART ONE

And we're still at Number 4. Leanne wants an answer tonight - she can't stand it any more, they've messed up their marriage over Whately, and just made the situation worse - he'll be out one day, and after them. Nick tries to get the upper hand, and fails, by warning her that if she goes to the Police, that will be the end of their marriage. He is not going to lift a finger to help Whately. 'Fine', says Leanne, 'whatever you want', turns and walks out. [Dewey note: It has to be said that Jane Danson acted Adam Rigor-Mortis off the screen in this scene.]

At the bar of the Rovers, Alec learns from Fred that Jack and Betty have both signed Spider's nomination, and that denotes the mark of a class traitor. 'And furthermore, I say, not only that, it denotes a lack of leadership on your part Alec, not keeping your partners in line.' Alec thinks it's all wrong letting 'the likes of him' stand for election, and questions whether Spider has paid a penny in tax in his whole adult life. This gives Fred an idea.

Vera has been studying the recruitment manual again, and tells Jack that they need to use 'Performance Probing' - aptitude tests for all candidates. Jack dismisses this 90s management stuff, and Vera goes along with it, promising only to give candidates some tough questions.

Jack goes to ask Alec for his support - as Alec says, in the final analysis it'll be him and Jack versus Vera to pick the best of the bunch. Jack seems happy with this until he has the horrible realisation that they might end up choosing from a 'bunch of Bettys'.

Alec takes the short measure pint that Fred ordered, I say requested, in the last scene, over to Spider. Fred starts with a Fred type soliloquy:

'I've obviously seriously misjudged you, young man, thank you landlord, on me by way of apology.' Spider accepts gracefully. 'I was just saying to our honourable opponent, we got him all wrong, didn't we? Well look at him, participatin' in t' democratic process, settin' himself up as a servant o' community, and we 'ad 'im down as nowt more than a vagrant, didn't we? Didn't reckon that he'd even be on t' Electoral Register, let alone stand for Councillor'. Spider suddenly realises that Fred is right, he's never been on the Electoral Register, so his nomination is invalid. Fred and Alec are smugness personified.

Back in the cafe, Roy is saying how terrible it is to set yourself up in judgement over another, to judge yourself superior. Gail is baffled, like I was. He's still troubled by how he treated Hayley, when she was only ever kind to him. He reckons the biggest mistake of his life was letting her go, and he'd do anything to have her back. Gail tells him that if that is what he really wants, then he should go after her. 'What, to Amsterdam? asks Roy, but then dismisses the idea because he believes he doesn't deserve forgiveness. 'Come on Roy, everybody deserves forgiveness if they're truly sorry' [Will we have to remind Gail about that some time in the future, perhaps?] Gail asks 'And anyway, what've you got to lose by trying?'

RJudeh is still trying to get Gary to understand, and to trust her. He wants to trust her, but there are so many unanswered questions - like how can she be sure that the baby is his? And how did she get pregnant so quickly, perhaps Paul could reach the parts that Gary couldn't? (yes, I know, and before the 9pm watershed too). Judeh swears that she knows the date, and it can't be Paul. Moving closer to Gareh she tells him, 'these babies are yours, both of them, I had a scan.'.

Saint Emily comes into the Rovers, and is soon accosted by a gloating Fred that Spider can no longer stand for Council because he is not registered on the Electoral Roll. Emily can't understand this, of course he's on the Electoral Roll. Fred teases that it's against Spider's principles, but Emily says that she's thinking of her own principles: as a single occupant she had been getting 25% discount on her Council Tax, but with another adult she was liable for the full amount. Once Spider decided to stay, it would have been against her principles to continue with the discount so she registered him immediately. Spider brightens and asks 'so you mean I am able to stand for election?' 'Geoffrey, dear, I'm your campaign manager - trust me.'

Gail has called on Nick, to tell him that she knows all about the Whately business, Leanne has told her. She needs to talk to him, and tells him to sit down and listen to her. She agrees that Leanne was right to tell her, and asks Nick what he thought he could achieve by bringing Whately back into their lives. Nick says he wants to know why he did it, and why it had to be his Dad. He wanted to confront him. He agrees that it was a stupid thing to do, and that the one good result is that he's back in prison.

Gary is studying the scan, and Judy is saying how awful it was, going for the scan, and then knowing it was twins, without knowing where he was so that he could share it. She begs that they put everything behind them and start looking forward - Gary says that he wouldn't have come home if he hadn't wanted that. He still can't get the image of Judeh and Fisher out of his mind, but Judeh takes his clenched fist, and puts it on her abdomen, telling him to put it out of his mind, and think about her and himself and the babies.

Nick wants to know if Gail thinks Whately should be let out, given another chance, 'cos my Dad didn't get one, did he?' Gail says that if she were Home Secretary, Darren Whately would be hanged and buried by now, and she truly wishes he was. The next best thing is that he should stay in prison for the rest of his life, and made to feel sorry for every day that he stole from RBrian. She is ashamed to think this way, as she knows that Whately will get out sometime. She will never know whether or not he feels sorry for what he did [So does he deserve forgiveness or not then, eh, Gail?] Nick wants to try to keep him inside, but Gail recognises that all they can do now is refuse to waste any more of their energies hating him - or it won't just be RBrian's life he's ruined.

Episode written by Maureen Chadwick

Dewey

Wednesday 24 June

Dear Update Readers,

In response to the messages I have received about the change in tone of my last two Wednesday updates, I would like to sing you a little song. So I'll dim the lights - but not the spotlight - and, with apologies to Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd-Webber, clear my throat to give you:

"Don't Cry For Me, Update Readers!"

I know I'm easy I know I'm strange
Yet I'll try to explain how I feel
That I'm still writing updates after all that I've done;
You won't believe me
All you will see is a slut you once knew
Barred from mentioning soixante-neuf (That's sixty plus nine, just for you...)

I had to cut the smut out
I had to change
Couldn't stay all my life just a tart
Writing all about blowjobs, writing all about scat.
So I chose purity!
Out with the F-words and in with the new,
But it didn't impress you at all; I never expected it to.

(Chorus)
Don't cry for me, Update Readers
The truth is: I never left you!
At Peggy Altman's Drunken insistence,
I cut the sex talk
And kept my distance.

And as for emails that curse my name,
I never invited them in; Though it seemed to you that they were all I desired.
They are illusions
They're just the delusions of sad cyber geeks
Hungover from some acid trip
Who hate me to shoot from the lip.

(Chorus)
Don't cry for me, Update Readers
The truth is: I'm back on course now!
To all that sex talk I've now reverted:
The product of a
Mind that's perverted.

Have I said too much?
There's nothing filthier I can think of to say to you,
But all you have to do is read these lines to know I write it all for you...

(Chorus)
Don't cry for me, Update Readers
The truth is: I'm just a faggot
Who at life's wondrous Celestial banquet,
Declined the apple
But kept the maggot...

(End of song. No applause please; just send money...)

The episode opens in the cafe, where Roy is agonising over whether or not he should go out to Amsterdam and find Hayley. As he agonises, Alma, in search of Gail, comes into the cafe and chats with him. He shares his dilemma with her and she leaves him in no doubt whatsoever that he should follow his dream and get his ass on the next KLM flight out. Alma tells him that when one finds someone special, one has to take a chance on life. Roy smiles an enigmatic smile which tells us that he is just the one to take such a chance.

At the House of Elliot, Gail and Leanne are trying to persuade Whoopsie Boy to put Darren Whateley behind him. [Talk to me, Gail honey: I wouldn't need much persuading]. Gail tries to impress him that if Whoopsie dwells on the issue much longer, it will start to fester - even more than the zit on his forehead, which is these days doing a passable imitation of Mt Etna and thus rapidly turning into a permanent fixture. Whoopsie Boy is far from convinced, but eventually concedes that Mother knows best. [Poor misguided wretch! For years and years I actually believed that 'mother knows best', but now I know better. Mine, incidentally, has just returned from Lourdes, where she had a marvellous time with her church cronies praying fervently for my 'conversion'. I've told her that it's a non-starter. After all, what would my other half say if I suddenly turned straight on him? Plus I'd have to get a whole new wardrobe - and I'm not wearing white socks with a brown suit for anyone. Then there's all the Argos catalogues I'd have to collect, and I'd probably have to learn to mow the lawn on Sundays and put up shelves for some 'little woman'. Plus I'd have to learn to strut, spit and swagger, and leave the toilet seat down, and light my farts. It would be a whole new learning process and I'm far too old for all of that].

Out in the Street, Gareh spies Steve McDonald and asks - nay, almost begs - for his old job back. Steve doesn't keep him dangling for long and tells him that he does indeed need an extra pair of hands, chiefly in order to convert Jim's house and make it 'wheelchair-friendly'. [Don't you just love those '-friendly' adjectives? The little 'dolphin-friendly' logo on tins of tuna always creases me up. Okay, so they've been kind to the dolphin, but what about the poor sodding tuna fish?]. Anyway, Gareh is over the moon, as is Judeh, who shouts her appreciation across to Steve in time-honoured foghorn fashion.

Alec is also on the prowl, looking for Audreh - or, as Fred puts it, the 'Eva Peron of Weatherfield'. Alec is supposed to be accompanying Audreh to the council offices so that she can hand in her proposal form with its ten signatures, and is gobsmacked to learn from Fiona and Maxime that she has gone shopping instead. [Doesn't Audreh get better and better with each episode? What a goddess!]

Meanwhile at Weatherfield police station, Gail, Leanne and Whoopsie Boy are waiting to reveal all re: Darren Whateley. Whoopsie is trying to look as though he's there under duress, but manages nothing more than the vacant middle-distance stare that is now his trademark.

At the Rovers, Vera is holding interviews for the position of barperson. The first candidate is a Mrs Edna Miller, a middle-aged lady with a face like a bag of spanners and a line in morbid patter that wouldn't be out of place at a mortician's conference. The woman is doom and gloom on legs, regaling Vera with stories of all the people in her life who have recently died - including her last two employers. This is a woman who could appear on Mastermind with 'obituaries' as her specialised subject. She takes one look at Jack and decides that he too is not long for this world - which is probably why she strikes a chord with Vera, who insists that they hire her. Naturally, Alec and Jack do not agree: Jack dismisses Mrs Miller as an "undertaker's talent spotter" who would only bring death and destruction to the Rovers. He tells Vera that they need someone younger and more pleasant to attract custom; Vera says that 'young and pleasant' translates as 'blond with big bazookas', and that she's not having any of it.

Back at the police station, Gail is talking to some inspector type and telling him that she is Brian Tilsley's widow. [This was a golden opportunity to bring DS Wyatt back to our screens, but the producer blew it. Who said that one can have too much of a good thing? Because the idea sucks...]

At the council offices, Alec has finally caught up with Audreh, who has been 'canvassing in all the dress and hat shops' [Marvellous stuff!]. Weighed down with bags of all shapes and sizes, she totters down the corridor with Alec in tow and no more than five minutes left to submit her proposal. On the way they bump into Emily and Spider, who has just submitted his list of signatures and gloats that he has beaten Weatherfied's Eva Peron to the punch. Audreh is as cool as a cucumber and will not be rushed, much to Alec's chagrin. But there is a problem. The official who takes her form notices almost immediately that it carries the same signature as one of Spider's sponsors. "You mean someone has signed his form as well as mine?" asks a bewildered Audreh? The council official says that that is indeed what has happened. "It's a Mrs Gail Platt," he says, "and she has signed two sponsor forms. And since Mr Nugent got here first, that makes yours invalid." Audreh is apoplectic. "But Gail Platt is my daughter," she protests. "She would never sign Spider Nugent's form as well as mine." The council official shows her the offending signature, thus convincing her of the misdeed. The only thing they can do now, the official says, is get someone else to sign. With the deadline just three minutes away, Alec dashes off to find a tenth signature for Audreh's proposal.

Back at the Rovers, Jack opens the door for the next applicant. It is a busty young blond piece named Chantelle; Jack takes one look at her and asks her when she can start. "Hold your horses!"says Vera; "she has to be interviewed first." Unfortunately - for Jack and Alec - that is, while Chantelle's bust size is on the happier side of 40, her IQ is nowhere near as pronounced. Chantelle eventually fluffs her interview and leaves Vera distinctly underwhelmed.

At the cafe, Roy tells Gail that he has decided to go to Amsterdam after all. Gail is overjoyed for him and tells him to get himself down to Sunliners and procure an air ticket to Amsterdam. As he leaves to do just that, a very piqued Audreh arrives, still laden with bags and ready to give Gail a good tongue lashing. "How could you sign Spider's form? How could you do this to meh?" she cries. Gail is non-plussed, with absolutely no idea what her mother is going on about. "I swear to you that I never signed his form," pleads Gail. But wait - a distant memory resurrects itself in some hidden recess of her mind. "All I signed," she says, "was a sponsored walk form for Toyah. At least that's what she said it was - the little beggar!"

Back at the Rovers, it's Vera in the blue corner, championing Mrs Miller, and Jack in the red corner, sticking up for Chantelle...

His ticket duly purchased, Roy goes back to the cafe to show Gail. "That's wonderful, Roy," she says. "All you need now is to dig out your passport and you're away!" "Passport?" says Roy, crestfallen. It transpires that he doesn't have one; indeed, that he's never had one. "You've never been abroad, then?" asks Gail? "No," says Roy. "Well not unless you count the Isle of Man." [Wonderful stuff this, from the pen of John Stevenson; this episode is stuffed with such nuggets, and you don't even have to dig that deep].

At Bleak House (aka the residence of Jim McDonald], Gareh has already made a start on the conversion work (remember, to make Jim's house more wheelchair-friendly? Oh do sit up at the back and take notice! Ok, so it is a scene involving Mr Tank Top 1972, but that's no excuse]. The problem is, Jim doesn't want to be converted. [Top man, Jim - but be warned: your mother will be on the next coach out to Lourdes too if you're not careful]. Indignant and full of pride, Jim 'So It Is' McDonald throws a wobbly and tells Gareh to get out and leave him alone. [Jim then settles down to a nice supper of "Chicken a la Douglas Bader" - which is a bit like Kentucky Fried, the only difference being that it's all wings and no legs].

At the Rovers, Roy is filling out his passport application form at the same table as Mike and Alma. Mike comments that Roy will feel very much at home in Amsterdam since "it's the home of the weirdos and all that". Roy says nothing. Mike then offers to be one of Roy's referees. "After all, I'm a company director," he beams. Roy's putdown is music to our ears. "No thanks," he says, "but the term 'company director' covers a multitude of sins. It's a bit like 'model' or 'actress'. " [Love it, love it! John Stevenson, I want to marry you and have your babies!] Mike reels, caught by that wicked right hook to his ego, and says nothing. Roy says that the form allows a teacher to act as referee, in which case he'll ask Ken Barlow to do the honours!

Also propping up the bar in the Rovers is Fred, I say, Fred. Alec is telling him what a brouhaha (okay, Mike P?) he and Audreh went through that very morning. "But here she is, she'll tell you herself," says Alec as Audreh enters, flustered and bag-laden. "I was just telling Fred what problems you had this morning," says Alec. "Yes," agrees Audreh: "There's not a single shop in Weatherfield that stocks a size-10 top in cerise!" [Wonderful wonderful wonderful stuff! John Stevenson is clearly a fan of Victoria Wood, Alan Bennett and Mike Leigh, my three favourite writers/producers/directors, and is fast catching them up with brilliant lines like this one. A Corrie classic, and beautifully timed by Audreh, who is fast becoming one of the best things on the programme]. Audreh ends the episode by berating Spider for the nasty trick he allowed Toyah to play on Gail. Spider doesn't seem too concerned; after all, he says, politics can be a dirty game. [If he thinks politics is a dirty game, he obviously hasn't played 'Gay Twister'. But that's bye the bye]. Anyway, Audreh concluded the episode by telling Spider that if it's a dirty tricks campaign he wants, she will serve him up a veritable feast.

As I See It

A marvellous marvellous episode from the bitingly witty pen of John Stevenson. Audreh's 'cerise top' one-liner was one of the funniest things I've heard on the show in ages and I only wish they'd let the guy write more of the scripts.

The council election campaign is hotting up and should provide a lot of fun in the future. I don't usually like election campaigns: if I want to see a load of people lying and making promises they can't keep, I just go to Heaven. They can be quite funny at times though. I think the Americans have the monopoly on crazy election campaigns though. I remember a few years back when Reagan was trying to get back into the White House for a second term. I recall a news programme which showed Nancy Reagan - her of the ridiculous anti-drug campaign - holding up a big placard which said "Say No To Crack", and I remember a friend of mine saying, "Don't worry, Nancy, if it's yours you're on about, everyone already has."

But I digress. This update is late and I have to get it online. And I have no excuse, really. Term is now over and all our students have departed. Durham is quiet and still once more. Not for long, of course, because sooner than you can say 'Enola Gay', our small city will be filled to the brim with coachload after coachload of Japanese tourists and their Yashicas, snapping away at the castle and the cathedral as though their lives depended on it. [I quite like Japanese culture, as it happens, although I have to say I do find Japanese men rather on the, er, small side. Know what I mean? All I'll say is that if any of you readers ever needs to know how to say "Is it all in?" or "Is that all there is?" in Japanese, I'm your man].

Anyway, I'd better skedaddle and get some work done. Until next time, take care. By the way, my update for 1st July will be online soon. As for the update for July 8th, well, I've invited a guest updater to do that. Her name is Becky, she's a 24-carat sweetie, and she has a sense of humour to die for. You'll love her; I do.

anyway, be good, love and hugs, CP

Friday 26 June

Still a backlog - I am still a week behind, so I am anxious to get this one out of the way..... sooooo... again, we'll skip the prologue this week, and go straight into the

The episode commences with Alex, Jack and Vera discussing the hiring of a replacement for Samantha. Jack wants someone who looks easy on the eye "like Samantha was", but all Vera can remember is the "trouble she caused!" Alec points out that "all young lasses cause trouble", but Vera cannot understand why they should be taken on, "the one yesterday couldn't even add up, and you'd be the first to complain if the takings were down." Alec cannot see the problem - they'd have sacked her and got somebody else, "no problem, I mean it's a bit of variety for the customers." Jack sides with Alec in attacking Vera's philosophy "so you'd have hired the grim reaper would you?". Vera defends that candidate's experience, only to have Jack replying "Aye, with a scythe!" Alec points out that there is no point them bickering as they won't be able to find anybody at this rate, but Vera is insistent - the will no recruit anyone of whom she disapproves "cos there's only me with any sense round here!" Alec points out that all three of them in the business have a right to be involved in making the decision, but Vera's parting shot is that, even if she is outvoted, if they take on someone she is not happy we with, she promises that she will make their life a misery..... hmm, don't think anyone needs convincing as to her sincerity and ability at being able to carry out that threat. As she storms out, Jack points out that this is what he has had to put up with, but Alec insists that they are just going to have to get her round to their way of thinking.

Toyah and Spider are collecting funds to support his election campaign. Toyah doesn't feel they are getting very far, but Spider points out that it is never easy when you are trying to change the world. When he comments how her tin sounds quite full, she tells him that she loaded it with buttons beforehand, so that it would sound better. Cute, eh? Les comes along and is invited to contribute to the campaign, but he declines as he doesn't agree with Spider's policies, it would be hypocrisy. When Toyah challenges him, accusing him of not being aware of their policies, he side-steps the issue by saying that he is skint after paying for her school trip. She points out that her mother paid for that, but he replies that this was out of his beer money - he asks her to remember the sacrifice he has made. When she asks him sarcastically, whether he would like an advance from the collection tin, he leaps at this chance - Toyah pleads with Spider to let him have some money and Spider agrees as along as no-one sees the money being handed over. A couple of pounds of beer money is all Les needs and he is delighted when Toyah hands over to him her collection tin.

Roy is about to go off to the Passport Office and Gail is seeing him off. He doesn't know when he'll be back, but Gail tells him they will manage. He is not confident he is doing the right thing and asks Gail whether she thinks he is mad. "I think, faint heart never won fair lady" is her reply. He is embarrassed by this and makes his excuses to leave. Gail wishes him good luck.

Audrey has bumped into Toyah and Spider still collecting funds in the street. She is about to comment on an election leaflet the Green Party pushed through her letterbox, but Spider is quick to point out that this is nothing to with him, as he is an Independent Green candidate. Audrey tries to mock him by saying that presumably he is not in favour of noise-free zones where people can live in peace. When he replies that he is in favour of that policy, she asks why his second in command from the noisiest family in Greater Manchester. Toyah replies that they are not that noisy any more, they've changed. Just after Spider has agreed and added that they have seen the light, we hear Les bellowing down the street - he had just opened the collection tin handed to him by Toyah and is not amused by the trick she played on him. As the gift has been handed on a plate to Audrey, we hear her saying "I rest my case!"

Steve is at his dad's and asks whether he plans on watching the football tonight, he thought they could go to the Flying Horse. "Oh super duper! So everyone can stare at me, great!" is Jim's self-pitying reply. When Steve suggests they can watch it at home instead, Jim's bitterness comes out "Why, Steven, would I want to watch 22 young fit men running about a football pitch for 90 minutes? Eh, let me tell you, that is the last thing I need." When Steve offers to help him push the chair, Jim declines the offer, saying he can manage. Steve points out that it "must be doing your head in here every day", Jim's anger boils over. "What gives you that idea, don't you think I just love looking at these walls?" When Steve tries to point out that it doesn't help not going out, Jim tells him that that is his business, besides he going to see the physiotherapist this afternoon. When Steve tries to placate him by saying that he was only trying to help, Jim continues "Well can you give me the use of my legs back?" Steve replies that, of course, he cannot and Jim's parting shot is that he ought to do him a favour and to shut up.

Jack and Alec are plotting and Alec is telling Jack to pretend that it is a normal interview. Jack replies that it isn't, but at that moment Vera comes in excitedly with the good news that they have another applicant and she introduces Barbara to Jack (whereupon we see Barbara taking a fancy to Jack) and to Alec. Alec asks whether they have time for the interview, as they open in 15 minutes. When Vera points out that presumably they want a replacement barmaid and they agree, she tells them to shut up and sit down. She mutters to Jack that she is impressed by the candidate, Jack mutters back his reservations about her age. Barbara hears this and asks whether she is too old for the job, but Vera leaps in to say that they want someone with a bit of experience. "Well, I've got that!" boasts Barbara. There then follows a hilarious sequence with Alec deliberately getting her name wrong a number of times - he calls her Bridgett and asks where she has worked. When Alec tells her that this job will be a bit of a comedown, Vera disagrees saying that the Rovers regulars are nice people. Alec asks Barbara aggressively why she left and her reply is that the old landlord retired, but it wasn't the same when the new landlord took over - she prefers "to work for a more ... mature man" as she eyes up Jack. "Tell me something, er, Brenda, what do you think the most important attributes for a barmaid are?" asks Alec. "Oh, friendliness, efficiency, reliability!" she replies. "What about punctuality?" asks Alec, "only the last one let us down something cruelly in that department." "Oh, I'm very punctual, especially when there's something at work to look forward to!" is her reply, as Jack starts getting hot under the collar. "Well, I've got a question" asks Vera, "how are you with your mental arithmetic?" Alec quickly leaps in and you begin to wonder how far ahead this interview has been scripted and asks her to tot up an imaginary order and how much change there would be out of a tenner - quick as a flash, Barbara comes up with the answer. Vera, sounding dubious, tells her that they will need references, but Barbara is able to confirm that she can provide several and adds that the older gentlemen she worked for was very grateful for what she gave him. Jack and Vera are both starting to look more and more uncomfortable, but for different reasons.... Jack is starting to get rather hot under the collar because eh thinks that Barbara fancies him, whereas Vera clearly doesn't like the idea of competition around and someone else fancying Jack. "How far do you have to come, Beatrice?" asks Alec. She replies that she is only ten minutes walk away and adds that even if she doesn't get this job, she has a feeling she'll be back again!

Gary is in the caf. Steve walks over and asks him whether he had made a start on Jim's house. Gary replies that he hasn't adding that he doesn't know whether he fancies it. Gary points out that when he went over to Jim's yesterday to measure up, Jim didn't sound too keen, "he thought if we alter the place, that it means he's cripple for life." Steve confirms that when he saw Jim earlier he didn't look in a good way. Gary says that Jim cannot be forced to have the work done, but Steve replies that they cannot leave things the way they are, he cannot even reach the cupboards as the shelves are too high. Gary tells Steve that it is not pleasant working there with Jim in the corner. Steve informs him that Jim is at the hospital this morning, so he can make a start while Jim is out. He hands him a wad of notes to collect a sink unit for the kitchen. When Gary comments that Jim is not going to like that, Steve replies "well, he's going to have to lump it then."

Alec pops into the back room of the Rovers doing his best creeping act. He tells he that Jack is just opening up and adds that he thinks Jack would go along with appointing Barbara if they cannot find anyone else. He states that, although he wasn't too sure at first, he thinks they've come up trumps. Vera isn't so sure, though - she just has this feeling. Alec points out that she isn't a good looker, so that couldn't be the objection and asks whether it is the way she kept looking at Jack. "Don't be stupid!" relies Vera unconvincingly. "Only I couldn't help noticing that she'd taken a bit of a shine to him" says Alec. "Actually, I've noticed it before" and proceeds to explain that Jack has "this magnetic charm for some women!" "Yeah well, he's an handsome man" replies Vera. "Oh, to women of a certain age, yes" says Alec "Mind you, he doesn't have that effect on young lasses, of course, I mean, they hardly notice he's there.... if that was what was worrying you, your problem, you know, we might be better going for a young un... Anyway, I'll leave you to think about it...." Ace of trumps played deftly.....

Jim returns home from the visit to the physio, to find Gary hard at work, putting in a new sink. Jim tells him he doesn't need a new sink and asks him to take it out. He tells Gary that he doesn't need his sink, nor his charity. Gary has had enough of being piggy in the middle and tells him to stuff it and says that Jim is just making it harder for himself. Jim, however, says that he is the best judge of that. He then loses his temper and tells Gary to get out of the house and to take his things with him.

... as the theme tune comes in, on cue for the End of part 1

After the ads, it's

Part 2
Back at the Rovers, Alec is welcoming Barbara back in ... Vera is out all afternoon, so the coast is clear. She asks whether she was alright in her interview performance. "Alright? My, why you're not up there with Judy Dench, I'll never know!" greases Alec. "A better agent when I started out might have helped, Alec!" is her riposte.. touch!! Alec congratulates her on her fine performance and announces that Vera wants someone young and sexy, after all, so they start again tomorrow. He hands her some money telling her that it will cover her expenses.. she accepts this and then asks for her fee. Alec tells her that it IS her fee, but she insists that she got them the result they were seeking. They start wrangling but she insists, she wants her "silence money" unless they want to see her back again. At that stage, realising he has no other option, Alec caves into her demands. Jack comes into the room and offers his congratulations on her performance, saying that he almost believed in the end that she fancied him! "Well, that's a tribute to my acting ability, Jack! It's amazing what you can do when you pretend!!" One deflated Jack Duckworth! She leaves the room, with Alec telling Jack that he's not to worry "think what we've got to look forward to!"

In the corner shop, Fred Elliott is asking Maxine what she thinks of the flat - she tells him that it's great. He tells her that there are three or four others interested, so she'll have to move fast if she wants it. Maud chips in that she has never seen anyone else looking around, but Fred explains this is because he is giving Maxine first refusal. "For you, 75 a week, only because I know you, mind!" is Fred's sales spiel. Maud asks whether he has had that tap repaired in the bathroom and Fred replies that it is all under control. "Or that socket that young Chris kept complaining about?" continues Maud. Fred gets irritated with her interference and asks whether she has some work to be getting on with. Maxine is a bit concerned and asks whether there is anything else wrong with it, to which "Nowt!" is the reply from Fred, "What do you want at that price, a luxury penthouse? See! I'll tell you what! You say 'yes' now, you can have it for 65 a week, if not, it's first come, first served." Maxine agrees to the deal and Fred tells her that they will sort out the details later and that she has made a very wise choice. When Maxine leaves, he turns on Maud and sarcastically thanks her for her contribution. He tells her that at that price, he's damned whether he is going to hurry up with the repairs. If she wanted a peaceful life, she should have kept her gob shut!!!!

Back at Emily's, Spider is counting the results of his collection campaign. £3.20 plus an Irish florin!! As ever, Emily looks on the bright side "They're supposed to bring good luck, aren't they?" Spider tells her that they are going to need it.. he stood for 8 hours in the precinct and calculates that is rate of 40 pence an hour, he'd earn more than that working in Baldwin's sweat shop! Emily tells him that she has some money put away, from Ernest's legacy. Spider declines the offer, but Emily continues... she tells him that she is not planning to spend it all, but Spider is not happy. He points out that if Audrey found out, she'd have a field day, saying he was a Rasputin, preying on little old ladies. Emily replies that Audrey can say what she likes, as it wouldn't be true. Spider is concerned, that, irrespective of this, people would believe her. He is unhappy at her bailing him out, she has been too good to him already, he started this party and he'll find a way of funding it.

Alec is telling Fred that, now that he sorted out the nominations fiasco with Audrey, he has arranged a campaign meeting to "run a few policies past her." Fred thinks this is a good idea and moving into plotting voice, he tells Alec that maybe with "all those health food shops that keep opening up all over the place, interfering with me trade, a well placed councillor could block their planning applications." "Aye, better street lighting out here, I could illuminate the front of the pub for nowt" adds Alec. They decide not to mention this at tonight's meeting, "best not give her the wrong idea" is Alec's conclusion.... "we'll save it until she's elected."

Steve sees Gary in the pub and asks whether he has seen Jim. Gary tells him that he'd just got started when Jim turned up, lost his rag and threw him out. Steve tells him that he's worried about his father and when asked by Gary, he says it is two months since the accident. He says that he didn't expect him to be on top of it, but he had expected him to be better than he was. Gary tells him that he will not go back to the house until he is on top of things. Steve asks him to hang fire until he's had a chance of having a word with him first.

Vera wanders in looking rather the worse for drink. She's spent the afternoon at the Coach and Horses, she's been hitting the port and lemon. Alec tells her that they need to sort out the replacement barmaid, but Vera announces that Jack need not worry, as she has sorted out the problem. They wanted someone young and sexy, she asks - "only for the good of the pub" is Alec's noble reply - as the Coach and Horses are over-staffed, she has got one of theirs. "A right cracker, blonde, good looking..." she drools. Alec asks when she is due to start. "Sandy's the name", Vera replies, "coming in later to say hello! Here! Have we got any port on the go...?" A flustered and irritated Alec ushers an inebriated Vera into the back.

Fred has overheard what has been happening and comments that he thought that Vera didn't want anybody young. Alec tells him that "no, she didn't but I dropped a diplomatic word in her shell-like!" "Hmm and you sorted out Audrey yesterday. I'm glad we're on the same side" replies Fred. "Ah, the power behind the throne, Fred, just call me the Peter Mandelson of Weatherfield!" "Very apt, Alec, they say he doesn't have many friends, either!" is Fred's riposte. (For overseas readers, Peter Mandelson is a leading light in the Labour Party in the UK - he is credited as being one of the main figures responsible for Labour's re-election, due to his PR/spin doctor skills and not a popular figure among Labour's old guard.)

Roy has returned to the caf empty handed from the Passport Office. He ran out of time, but he tells Gail that he hopes they would be able to complete his paperwork in the last hour to catch the last post. He bought some luggage in anticipation, just in case, some of his luggage goes astray, he intends to pack a small bag. There will be room for some of his medicines, just in case, he cannot get things in Holland. Gail replies sarcastically that he should charge up his shaver, in case they don't have electricity over there. The sarcasm is lost on him, as we see him pondering that suggestion.

Back at the Rovers, Fred, Alec and Audrey are having their campaign meeting. There is no meeting of minds as we have two parallel conversations, Fred and Alec discussing the campaign, Audrey her shopping trip, anything other than he job in hand. "Low council tax and clean streets that's what local people want" is Alec's suggestion. "Bin men putting lids back on when they've done, that'd win this election" adds Fred. "Arachnophobia! The fear of spiders! We could use that as a slogan !" whitters Audrey. Alec insists on dragging her back to the agenda, but Audrey asks whether they actually need policies.... Alec points out that it is "not unusual in politics, surprisingly enough, Audrey!" but Audrey feels that people vote for whoever looks the nicest and "if it's between me and him....." Fred is still pondering on the campaign "We need an angle on education." "Good idea" replies Alec, asking her how she stands on that issue. Audrey clearly doesn't have a clue and says that all Alf did was to give out the prizes out and unveil the plaques. Fred points out that this was something Alf did when he was the mayor, but he sat on committees for years before that. "Yes, but it's all down to Government, is education" is Audrey's reply. Alec points out that local government is responsible. "Seriously?" is Audrey's surprised reply. "Well why do you think some boroughs have Grammars and others have Comprehensives?" asks Fred. Audrey maintains that she is not supposed to know all that stuff, to which Alec tells her that she had better start learning. She's having none of it, tells them to sort out what is important and they are to tell her later at another meeting. Despite their protestations, she bids her farewells as she has a lot to do and departs.... "Think of the perks!" says Fred trying to console Alec. "Perks!! Can she get us to the front of the hospital waiting list because we are gonna need it!" is Alec's frustrated response.

Back at Jim McDonald's, he is watching the television weather forecast bored out of his mind. Steve lets him in and is about to tackle Jim when Jim pre-empts the ticking off he is about to receive. He tells him that he doesn't want to hear it, but Steve insists he is going to have to hear it, to face up to what has happened to him. "Face up to what's happened to me" replies Jim, "don't you think I'm reminded of it ever single day!" he snaps. Steve expresses his frustration that the message is not sinking in and that Jim is trying to push away everyone who wants to help. When Jim tells him that it is his own life, Steve points out that people are going to get sick of trying and then he will be left on his own! Jim is not perturbed and snipes back, that at least he might get some peace. They start arguing, but clearly the discussion is going nowhere with Jim saying it is up to him to decide how he's going to deal with the matter. Steve tries to point out, diplomatically, that Jim might never walk again - Jim challenges him, wondering whether the hospital have said something to him, but Steve refutes this. He points out, however, that if the worst came to the worst, then it just might soften the blow, but Jim refuses to contemplates this road. Steve tells him that at least it is a road, currently he is speeding down a cul-de-sac and he doesn't want to be there, when he hits the end. He reluctantly accepts his father's right to make his own decisions.

At the Rovers, Jack is all dressed up, clean shirt, dicky-bow tie... Vera comments that this is obviously for Sandy's benefit, but Jack doesn't want her to think that this is some back-street dive. "Well, you can do what you like, nobody looks at you according to Alec!" is Vera's snappy reply.

Greg, Maxine and Fiona are at the bar. Maxine is telling Greg that she has just sorted out the flat and hope to move in shortly. Fiona points out that now Maxine is just going to be down the street she will have no reason to be late. Greg seeks Maxine's confirmation that this is the flat above the corner shop, "next door to that.. mechanic bloke..." falters Greg. Fiona offers the information that Greg will know Sally as she works for Mike Baldwin and Greg feigns recognition at that point. He congratulates her in her brilliant move as we see Maxine preening herself with joy. Funny though, why do we get the feeling that Maxine is not going to be the beneficiary of his attentions?

At the Rovers, a frustrated Roy is having a drink with Alma. She is trying to reassure him that his passport will arrive safely in the morning. When Roy says that he hopes so, Alma jokingly suggests that he borrows her passport "after all, everybody else does!" In response to Alma's query regarding the documentation on the table, he tells her that this was merely some information that was handed out at the Passport Office. She asks whether he is going to be an organ donor. Gail joins them and adds "it saves lives, Martin is always going on about it. Roy tells them he might consider it and Gail jumps in with both size sevens by telling him to "take one to Hayley, she might want to donate her organs!" Gail's faux-pas of the week is accompanied by uncomfortable looks from both Roy and alma, the sort that comes with excessive squirming.

A young man enters the Rovers, he is blonde, tall, fit-looking... wearing a white T-shirt. He comes up to the bar and asks Jack for Vera. "And who shall I say is asking?" is Jack's query. "And what is it to you?" replies the young man. "I'm her husband, that's why!" says Jack. "Oh! So you're Jack, are you? says our young man. Just then Vera comes in from the back, "So you've met my husband!" she says. "And this is Alec". She then proceeds to tell them that this is their replacement for Samantha, "this is Sandy! Well, I said id get somebody young, sexy and blonde.... Ooh sorry! Have I missed summat out?" she cackles, as we see Alec and Jack both looking gobsmacked.....

Cue music and credits
Episode written by Martin Allen
Script Copyright ITV Television

Well, how was it for me?

As usual some fine moments of pantomime provided by Alec and Jack. They are masters of timing and delivery especially Roy Barraclough, who must be one of the most experienced and able comedy actors around. Nice touches from Vera and Fred as well. The Peter Mandelson quip from Fred Elliott is probably the quip of the week.

The squirm of the week.... That has to be Gail "foot in mouth" Platt's organ donation quote... you don't know whether to laugh, seethe or just squirm!

Anger, beautifully portrayed by Jim McDonald - paralysed, totally frustrated, bitter. There has been a certain amount of discussion on RATUCS as to the anger being unrealistic. I have to say that I find it very credible indeed. I would suspect it would be an unusual individual who did not hit out that way, even at the people he loves - I am not condoning that behaviour, merely saying that I find it understandable. That sort of anger probably has to be vented before he can come to terms with his plight and move forwards. Well portrayed.

All in all a pretty light-hearted episode...

And that's it for now..

... a tad longer than Dewey's Visual Update but then it is a different medium...

My apologies for the delay in getting the updates out over the last few weeks - tomorrow, I'm going to make a start on last Friday's, 3rd July. Having seen that episode, I can promise you that it's a real classic, so I will work extra hard to do it justice..... until then, take care...

Hugs and kisses from Tinky^ - Regards, Alan

Sunday 28 June

At the moment, life is passing me by as I attempt to shrug off this appalling cold thingy in a parallel universe. At least I think I am in some other world, as I'm sat here staring at my scribbled notes from Sunday's episode thinking "what on Earth has happened to me since I wrote up the previous update ?". The answer appears to be: nothing. 'S a bit sad, isn't it...

Has anything happened in the slightly wider world. [Pause, thinks...] Apart from England taking a collective early bath in France, nothing there either. Oh well, I hope things have been a bit better for *you*. All 484 of you.

Perhaps we'd better press on...

Act 1
Jack and Vera are tucking into breakfast in the back room of the Rovers. Jack is poking fun at their latest barman, Sandy. "What sort of a name's that - Sandy ?", asks Jack, forgetting of course that that is what Big Jim calls Alec. Betty arrives for work. She's heard the rumours and far from being worried is looking forward to meeting the new recruit. Vera is convinced that girl power demands a change of scenery behind the bar and alludes to the "Full Monty". [Hardly, Vera, we don't really want five redundant steelworkers pulling pints, I think.] Jack is not so sure - he tells her that it's fellas that spend money at the bar while women sit and nurse a single half of lager and lime all night. On cue, Sandy arrives and is introduced to everyone. He appears to exceed Betty's expectations !

The mail arrives at the cafe, and Roy finds his passport as he hoped. Which is just as well as it turns out that he needs to leave for the airport in less than an hour. Audreh advises him not to bother checking-in as early as he is supposed to - "we always turn up late !" she says. [So now you know exactly what sort of person it is who causes those delays while 300 other people sit fuming in their seats as the captain announces that they are still awaiting Mrs Roberts and we won't be going without her as her luggage is already on board !] Gail offers Audreh's services as chauffeur for Roy, and offer which the lady herself quickly retracts, and Alma kindly steps in instead. Roy goes off to run through his expedition checklist one last time.

Alec and Fred are discussing the merits of door-to-door canvassing, in the Rovers. They agree it might be best not to allow Audreh out on her own, lest she puts the voters off. To Jack, Fred observes that no matter the pulling power of Sandy, the punters will be staying away in droves if the Rovers doesn't get itself a TV set for the duration of the World Cup. [This is a bit late really, as the bulk of the matches were already played out by the time this episode aired.]

In a rare location shoot, we find Alma and Roy at Manchester Airport as he checks in for his flight to Amsterdam. Alma advises him on where he needs to go next, which documents to keep and which to give up, and wishes him well. She also asks him to pass on her love to Hayley, as she has been thinking about her and hopes all has gone well.

In the Kabin, Leanne is complaining to Rita that she is not allowed to vote in the council elections, although she *is* old enough to have naughties and get married. Rita is undecided as to where her allegiances lie, as she had always supported Alf, but Leanne is in no doubt that her vote would go to Spider. "He'll walk it, anyway", she tells Rita. "Not with articles like this in the paper", Rita replies, showing her the local rag. She reads out the piece, which purports to be Audreh claiming that Spider is an unwashed hippy who spent the nights on the recent protest with underage schoolgirls. Leanne is furious as she realises this means Toyah !

Back at the Rovers, Janice and a few non-speaking extras arrive. Janice orders drinks and decides to splash out on a hotpot for her dinner as she is a bit down and needs "a tonic". Who should catch her eye not a few seconds later but the well-proportioned Sandy... Vera plays along and asks Sandy to move the crates of mixers he has brought up from the cellar. Needless to say, this involves a certain amount of bending over and rear views of his jeans, much to Janice's delight as she howls approval. Alec tut-tuts, and suggests this wouldn't be allowed if the sexes were reversed, to which Janice replies that it is merely positive discrimination. She asks the younger Sandy to show everyone his pecs, and he duly obliges. [This latest character it must be said is no great shakes as an actor, but the story so far is that he is merely on-loan from another pub and rumours suggest that a more permanent replacement will be taking over shortly.]

Jim wheels himself into the bar, and finds Steve there. Steve asks if Jim should be mixing alcohol with his medication, a suggestion Jim is none too bothered about, and says he will have "just the one". [You're ahead of me here, I know, whenever has Jim had just the one ?]

Finally Fred enters and buttonholes Alec. He has seen the newspaper article and is as pleased as punch with the negative image of Spider that it portrays. But Alec takes the opposite view - it is slanderous, and he thinks Spider might well take legal action against them. Fred hasn't realised this at all.

Intermission
My notes say "Adverts". And nothing else. So, nothing to write home about, obviously.

Act 2
The ITV purse strings are loosened further still as we move further afield to Schiphol airport in Amsterdam, where Roy is seen approaching a taxi driver. He struggles with his phrase book while the driver looks on, bemused. [Another visitor who hasn't been told that the Dutch speak better English than most of the English !] Pretty soon, we have Roy telling the taxi driver that he has come to meet someone special, and the taxi driver telling Roy that he can certainly help him find someone special in Amsterdam ! It all rather goes over Roy's head...

Back in the Rovers, Jim [true to form] is on his ninth drink, or thereabouts. He wants a tenth, but Vera doesn't want Jack to serve him any more. While they argue, Jim gets angrier and angrier, and finally tells Vera "you can take your crummy little pub and shove it up your backside, you stupid cow". Sandy wastes no time in ejecting Jim from the pub, tells him that that was no way to speak to Vera, laughs off any suggestion that Jim might in some way be able to sort him out, and finally advises Jim to go home [and sleep it off]. Back inside, Jack sees an opportunity and tells Sandy that he has overstepped the mark. Vera sides with Sandy, telling Jack that Jim would have made mincemeat of him, even in his wheelchair.

Said Jim is next seen in the corner shop, buying a large bottle of whisky from Maud. "And you can stop looking at me like that", he says, as Maud makes it fairly obvious that she knows exactly what Jim is doing and why. "It's your affair", she says.

Yawnsville as we see Maxine and Greg taking a look in the flat above the shop, which Muppet One is hoping to rent from Fred. Maxine is bubbling with enthusiasm and manages to suggest to Greg that he can move in with her. He wastes no time in explaining that he really needs to be in his own place.

In a blink of an eye, we are back in Holland as Roy approaches a houseboat moored on one of the canals. We see him struggling again with a suitcase, two shoulder bags, a map-case around his neck and the inevitable anorak, as he peruses his phrase book once more to converse with a man who is on the boat. It turns out that Hayley does stay on the boat, with this man. Roy asks if she is in. "Who are you ?" is the immediate reply, "you're not expected." We learn that Hayley is away, and won't be back until the next day. The man asks if Roy would like to leave a message - "can I say who called ?". Roy pauses and looks thoughtful in the way that only he can, before deciding that no, there is no message. He looks crestfallen, having obviously spent some while building himself up to the reunion.

In the Rovers once more, Sandy is leaving early, due to a prior engagement according to Vera. She disappears round the back, leaving Alec and Jack both trying to gee each other into saying something to her. Alec is coming round to the idea of having a new barman anyway, and Jack accuses him of being a wimp. Audreh breezes in with two armfuls of shopping bags, and announces that she has been buying new outfits in preparation for the photo shoot coming up. She considers that this would have been a perfectly proper use for campaign funds, although she did pay for them herself, "after all, I'm hardly in need of new outfits, am I ?" [Audrey is *always* in need of new outfits, at least that's what she tells poor Alfeh !] Alec and Fred confront her with the newspaper article. She brushes this off lightly, first saying that she never mentioned Spider at all to the reporter before claiming that she might have said something... but not those words... well, not exactleh those words...

Spider and Emily are returning to her house after a day's campaigning. Emily tells him to bear up, only a few people slammed their doors on us ! Janice and Leanne arrive with a copy of the local paper, very unhappy with the article. Spider realises why some people had reacted as they did. He reads the entire piece and notices that he was apparently "unavailable for comment". The reporter had not even tried to contact him. Leanne tells him that Audrey is no better than she is trying to make Spider out to be, she herself had had two children with two different blokes. [A flashback to some Victorian era, here, I mean it's 1998, who cares about things like that these days ??] Janice splendidly offers to take the offending paper and shove it so far up Audrey's nether regions that "she can clean her teeth with it !"

Jim, meanwhile, has consumed the bottle of whisky and is legless in every sense. He is also talking to himself, although frankly this could well be more exciting than talking to anyone else in his family... In trying to lever himself onto his bed, he misses and ends up in a sorry heap on the floor.

The political hit squad arrive in the Rovers and accost Audrey and Fred. Spider accuses Audrey of dirty tricks, and of having a disgusting mind. The issue of Audrey's children is raised, but it has little impact. As he gets more angry, Spider tells Audrey that he will be seeking legal advice, and informs her that she is a "loud-mouthed gossiping IDIOT !". [Yesssss !!]

This episode was written by Sally Wainwright.

Perhaps slightly going off the boil again with this new barman nonsense, and I have to confess it was very disappointing that Roy didn't actually get to meet Hayley this time round. There's dramatic tension, and there's spinning things out longer than we really want. Something very dark is probably brewing in Jim's mind as he slides further downhill - let's hope he's going to survive whatever the scriptwriters throw at him, I like Jim. Finally, whatever's going on in Greg's mind - who cares ? Terrific to see someone telling Audrey precisely what sort of person she is.

Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***

Best line: As Spider and Emily are discussing the day's events, Spider observes that some people had been giving him "funny looks". Then, after a perfect pause, he adds "well, funnier than usual anyway !". Brilliant !

Best scene: Roy struggling with his thoughts as he tried to decide whether he would leave a message with Hayley's "partner". His mannerisms as his eyes close and his brow furrows and his lips sort of disappear are just fabulous.

I'm awa' the noo'. See you next week ! -- John Laird

Monday 29 June

It's morning at McDonald's, and Steve lets himself in to find Big Jim in a somnolent posture on the floor, having failed in his attempt to drag his whiskey sodden body into bed the previous night, and had slept where he fell. He helps his father up.

Spider and Emily leave the Corner Shop, Emily is encouraging him to go into town to research suing Audreh for slander and The Gazette for unfair reporting. Spider is giving the impression of getting cold feet, but as Saint Emily says 'I should hope not, otherwise I very much misjudged you.'

Hurrah! Outside Broadcast from Amsterdam. Roy and (hopefully) Hayley time!!!!!

It's a beautiful day for Roy to sit at a canalside cafe, conveniently close to the houseboat fitting the address given in Hayley's letter. A rugged nautical type lounges on deck, smoking his pipe.

Just when it was nearly getting exciting, we cut back to the Rovers where Sandy (new barman, not Alec-called-Sandy-by-Jim) is telling Vera about a previous job doing a Tom Cruise in a cocktail bar, the Imperial. Jack makes sarcastic comments, he really doesn't want Sandy behind his bar. But Sandy has been serving the kind of B list onetime celebrities you now see only on Celebrity Squares - Lisa Stansfield, Joe Longthorne, Kiki Dee, The Krankies. Our Janice is suitably impressed, and he goes on to invent a new cocktail - tomato juice, ice, gin, salt & pepper, in a half pint glass. He names it in honour of Vera - 'A Bloody Vera'. 'Ere, 'ave a sip o' this, Jack, it's lovely, a Bloody Vera' ---- 'No thanks, I've 'ad enough to last me a lifetime.'

(Note for non-UK viewers. The Krankies were, or perhaps still are, a strange husband and wife act where she, Janette Krankie, would dress and act the part of Wee Jimmie Krankie, a naughty Scottish schoolboy. Curiously, our very own Janice Battersby bears a more than strong resemblance to the aforementioned Wee Jimmie. They're probably still going, in summer seasons at the end of the pier in England's secondary seaside resorts.)

Ah, things are looking up, we're back to Amsterdam.

And Roy looks up, from looking at the pictures in 'de Telegraaf', to see our all action naval hero is getting on his bike and leaving the houseboat, where he believes Hayley will be, now alone.

But we're back to Jim McDonald. Oh, Brian Park, you're such a tease!!!

Gareh has called round, not looking for an apology (for Jim's outburst yesterday), but to tell Jim that he and Steve want to make the changes to the house because they want to help him - and Gary particularly because he's a mate. Jim still doesn't want to work done, and also turns down Gareh's invite to come out to the pub to watch the football. Jim advises Gareh that he won't be going to the Rover's, or any other pub again. 'Is that because of the medication?' asks Gareh, and Jim announces that he's facing up to things far better than Gareh thought - he itemises the negative things in his life and then tells Gareh to go get himself a pint - and not hurry back. Uh-oh, is Jim in terminal decline?

The waiter at the canalside cafe seems to be troubled by the strange Englishman spending longer at his table than absolutely necessary with just a cup of coffee, but what's that in the distance? It's a red anorak! And that very distinctive walk can only be one person!!! Roy hurriedly leaves his table and rushes to meet Hayley at the gate of the moorings. Hayley is, shall we say, a little taken aback, but is delighted as Roy carries her bag to the boat.

END OF PART ONE.... (Ooooh, you're still teasing, Mr Park......)

RAudreh arrives at the Rover's fresh from her appointment with the photographer, wearing a shiny blue suit. Fred is complimentary - 'Ere she is, don't she look a right Bobby dazzler' (I haven't heard that since my Granny died...). Vera suddenly realises that Jack went down the cellar ten minutes ago, and then finds him in agony at the top of the cellar steps - his back is giving him gyp. Vera goes off to get him a painkiller, and comments about how his health is deteriorating - Fred says it's a good job that he (Jack) isn't a horse. (BTW what /did/ happen to Betty's Hotshot?)

Emily arrives, and refuses Audreh's olive branch offer of a drink. Audreh gloats about her photo session, and asks if Emily is arranging the same for her scruffy nephew - on recycled paper.

Les sticks his two pennorth in, telling RAudreh that what Audreh said to the Gazette about Toyah was libel. (No it wasn't Les, if anything it was slander. Slander isn't worth the paper it's written on. Joke. Failed.) and Les won't be voting for her either.

Muppet 2 comes in to ask Fred if she can redecorate before she moves in. Fred is all in favour, and she can have the keys just as soon as she provides a deposit of 250 and a month's rent in advance, total 510. This is news to Maxime, and she is a little crestfallen, wondering where she will find that sort of money.

Hey, we're back in Amsterdam where Hayley has prepared a pot of coffee. What a bijou residence that houseboat is, all mod cons, big windows, lots of computer equipment. What does our all action naval hero do then? Roy tells Hayley a story about a type of financial madness in the seventeenth century known as Tulipomania - concluding with the punchline that 'the value of tulips can go down as well as up'. (Paraphrasing the strap line used on most financial product advertising in the UK). Now he's broken the ice he can ask Hayley who 'that man' is, but we have to wait for her answer because it's back to the McDonald's.

Steve admits Michael Wall, Jim's Occupational Therapist, but Jim doesn't want to see him. He gives Steve a file of Rules and Regulations for adapting premises for the disabled, but Steve explains Jim's attitude to the work. Through the closed internal door Jim reiterates that Steve isn't to let anyone in, but the OT goes through anyway.

Roy and Hayley sit on the stern deck with their coffees, and Roy explains that he just happened to be in the vicinity, on his way to the bus station, and he just happened to have her letter with him, so he knew the address. 'So, you met Johan, then' asks Hayley, breezily. Roy needs to know how she met him, how long she's lived with him. She says that she's lived there about a month, since she answered his advert. Advert? This does not compute with Roy, who must be thinking about dating agencies. She explains that it's only a boatshare, there's no relationship, indeed 'he's not really interested in women, if you get my meaning' As Mike Plowman said, he's on the other canal bank.

Hayley is keen to learn how long he's staying, what his hotel's like, and what sightseeing has he done and is planning to do. She has an idea - they could visit the tulip museum, which is on the way to Leiden! Hayley is obviously keen not to let him go, but is running out of conversation with a difficult Roy, so she asks if he has taken a walk along the canal. Honestly! How could he not have done? She assures him that she has nothing else she should be doing, and nothing else that she'd rather do.

Jim and the OT are discussing his future. OT reiterates that Jim's future mobility depends on his positive mental attitude and a determination to fight. Jim sees this as 'The System' absolving themselves of any responsibility - if his legs never work again then it's his fault. OT encourages him to do his exercises, build up his upper body, get some independence and self respect back. Jim sums it up 'I'll never walk again. Am I right?' As if to suggest that Jim is right, and they've known all along, OT doesn't answer.

Saint Emily has bought a suit for Spider from the charity shop where she works part time. A white suit. Spider claims he doesn't wear suits, but Emily tries to make him understand that image is important, particularly with the Weatherfield electorate, who can be very prejudiced - he ought to be less unconventional. Spider is suddenly concerned that he doesn't want Emily to fund his campaign, though she maintains that it will be money well spent. Then he drops his bombshell - if he is elected, he won't actually take his seat.

Baldwin is commenting to Jack about Sandy's industriousness - he never stops working, always serving, cleaning, tidying. Jack feels ready for the knacker's yard. Les joins in, describes Sandy as nowt but a 'big girl's blouse', and offers to prove it with a best of three arm wrestling contest. Something he was good at when he worked on the travelling fair. Sandy puts up a fiver, and Les borrows one from Jack's till. Sandy sees him off with the first two, and takes both tenners.

Spider is explaining that he wouldn't take his seat because he wouldn't want to be seduced by power. Emily reasons that a lone Independent Green wouldn't have any power, but his lone voice could be heard by those who do have the power. 'And you do believe in democracy, don't you?' 'Actually, Auntie Em, I think I'm more of an anarchist'. Emily smiles her 'we've got one here' smile.

An angry Jim manoeuvres himself out into the Street, and speaks rudely to RJanice. Trying to prove himself, he encourages her to race him to the end of the Street, but she doesn't move.

Maud wants to know when Audreh will stop picking on people who are 'different' - Spider first, next it'll be her and Jim, then 'tubby folk who wear specs', so Alec had better watch out. Alec tells Fred that Audreh is getting out of hand - 'she's being branded a Nazi now'. Fortunately Audreh arrives, all excited, and Alec suggests a quiet tete-a-tete-a-trois with Fred.

Janice comes in and sits with Maud, telling her that Jim is wheeling up and down the Street shouting at people. Maud thinks it's just trying to draw attention to himself.

Alec is trying to encourage Audreh to apologise to Spider before he goes legal. She is prepared only to put a note through the door saying that she was misquoted. Alec wants her to say that she intended no slur on his character, which she thinks will humiliate her. And write to the Gazette similarly.

Janice goes to get Maud a drink, but Maud slips off on a personal errand. Mike is leaving too, saying that he must go because he's driving. Do we have a drink/drive storyline coming up?

Mike goes out to his car and unlocks it with the remote device (and how could it have been locked when the driver's window is obviously open?). It's like Gunfight at the OK Corral - Maud in her chair outside the Rover's, Jim in his outside the Kabin. As Mike accelerates toward Jim, Jim launches his chair into Mike's path. Is it Teresa the Turkey all over again? No, Mike stops in time and tells the big man to 'watch where you're going, you stupid berk.' Jim tells him next time not to jump on the brakes.

Closing shot is Maud, viewing the scene from outside the Rover's.

I'm sorry, I cut the recording before the credits finished, so I can't quote the writer [Phil Woods - Graham]

Dewey

Written by John Laird, Peter Dewhirst, CP Turner and Alan Milewczyk


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