Wednesday 1 April
Dear Update Readers,
Mothers - don't you just love 'em? Mine has phoned me three
times today, each call more surreal than the one before. The
first came at seven-thirty this morning. "It's me,"
she said. "I'm just phoning to tell you that I love you
very much, and that I think I've finally come to terms with you,
er, lifestyle." I rub the sleep from my eyes and pinch myself
to see whether I'm still dreaming. I am gobsmacked, naturally,
and quite touched, and I am about to tell her so when she suddenly
screeches "April Fool!" down the line and then hangs
up. Later, she phones me at work to say she's sorry and that
it was just a joke. Then she asks whether Jan and I are still
going down to her place for Easter. I tell her for the umpteenth
time that Jan and I are no longer an item, and that come Easter,
he'll be in Houston with his new boyfriend. "You're better
off single," she says. "Besides, I've never trusted
the Norwegians; look at Quisling!" It's pointless trying
to remind her that Jan was - still is - a Swede, not a Norwegian,
and even if I wanted to remind her, the lump in my throat wouldn't
let me. I hang up, put on "I Will Survive" at full
blast, and get down to some work. My mother's third call comes
later on this evening, just as CS is about to start. "It's
the new priest, Father O'Sullivan," she moans. "I think
he's one of your lot." "Do you mean he's an academic?"
I venture, giving her the benefit of the doubt. "No, you
eejit," she says. "You know exactly what I mean."
Well of course I do. My mother adheres to the principle of 'guilty
until proven innocent', and assumes all men are 'on the other
bus' unless extremely convincing evidence to the contrary is
forthcoming. "What makes you think Father O'Sullivan is
gay?" I ask her. "Well, he's forty-six," she says,
"and he's still single." I remind her that this is
by no means an unusual scenario for a Catholic priest, but she
dismisses it out of hand. "What I mean," she continues,
"is that our old priest, Father Donnelly, was bedding every
woman in the parish and had at least two illegitimate children
to my knowledge. But Father O'Sullivan? Well there's not even
a whisper of skirt anywhere. Besides, he home-bakes his Eucharist
wafers with a touch of saffron and just a hint of oregano. Isn't
that proof enough?" At times, arguing with my mother is
totally pointless and so I say nothing. But her little diatribe
reminds me of what I've been missing since I left the Catholic
church: the intrigue, the political in-fighting, the scandal
and the sleaze. I'm sure that's all my mother goes to church
for.
Having said that, although I'm a lapsed Catholic, I do still
attend Mass now and again. I go to the 11.30 a.m. service at
our local church and, without a hint of exaggeration, it's the
most fun you can have without stripping off! They bring in the
choir boys and the whole church is filled with music and candles,
bells and smells - and enough flowers to put Kew Gardens to shame.
Everyone gets dolled up to the nines and the priest gets to wear
a big hat and a lovely frock. And what's more, it's totally free!
This never ceases to amaze me because if they held it at 11.30
at night and got a proper drinks license, they could easily charge
5 quid at the door and make an absolute bomb!
While we're on the subject of organised religion, why in heaven's
name do we have to wait two hours for our beloved CS, as we did
tonight, while twenty-two grown men kick a ball around? I'm tired
of these schedulers who think that international football should
take precedence over a national institution like the Street.
Football is fine in its place - but its place is not Wednesday
evening at 7.30. Besides, when you've seen one match, you've
seen them all. It's time they thought about changing the rules
and beefing it up a little. For a start, they could play the
actual game in the dressing-room and then come out and have their
shower on the pitch. Alternatively, any player who fouls another
could be made to strip off completely and play the rest of the
game as nature intended. The viewing figures, amongst other thing,
would shoot up immediately, and I for one wouldn't miss a single
match. But I guess I'll always be a rugby man at heart - once
a rugger bugger, always a rugger bugger - and to me, football
will always remain a mystery. Along with all-in wrestling, another
sport I've never quite understood. I mean, if it's 'all-in',
why wrestle? I certainly don't. And nor does my friend Ruth -
I know that for a fact because I've seen the photographs.
But enough of this digression. Here is the update:
The episode opens in the Big House, where a bemused Jackie
Dobbs is watching the Weatherfield One as the latter pads aimlessly
around the cell. The Drear wants to do something - anything -
to pass the time, and in the absence of root vegetables her choice
is somewhat limited. Jackie advises her not to rush, to take her
time with everything. In prison, she says, time is all you've
got, and the secret is to measure it carefully and do everything
s - l - o - w - l - y. While the Drear is up and dressed within
seconds, Jackie deliberately takes ten minutes just to put her
top on, and the rest of the hour dreaming about who will take
it off again. The Drear shows little interest, reiterating once
more that she is innocent and shouldn't be here. Jackie says that
Deirdre will feel much better once she has has been for a swim
in the pool, taken a dip in the jacuzzi, and experienced a body
massage from the soft and capable hands of Mr Watson, the prison
masseur. On hearing these words, Drear's face very nearly lights
up; suddenly, prison doesn't seem such a bad thing after all.
She wonders aloud why no-one at reception told her about swimming
pools and massages. Jackie puts it down to lack of communication.
"They don't tell you anything," she says. "I bet
they didn't even tell you the date. So, Deirdre, what date is
it?" The truth slowly dawns on the carrotless diva that it
is indeed April 1st and that she has been well and truly 'had'.
Cue a fearsome glower of anger and disappointment on the Drear's
face, while Jackie Dobbs rolls around in paroxysms of laughter.
Back in the Street, Curly is asking Angie why she is going
to work so early. Angie's worried look speaks volumes: Underworld
has been doing so well, she says, but now Mike Baldwin claims
that profits are in fact down. Indeed, minutes later she discovers
why: a cursory glance at the company cheque book reveals that
10,000 smackeroonies have disappeared from the Underworld account,
only to reappear shortly in the coffers of the law firm which
handled Deirdre's court case. Angie, who seems to be the only
person in the Street - male or female - who can stand up to Baldwin,
is understandably aggrieved and demands to know what he is playing
at. "It's business," says Baldwin. "Yes,"
sneers Angie, "funny business." Mike tries to reassure
her that it is not a fiddle and that he is simply running the
cheque through the business account for 'tax purposes'. Furthermore,
he hadn't told Angie because he didn't think she'd mind. (Didn't
care, more like. I mean, this is the man who was ready to smuggle
the Drear out of the country on his wife's passport because he
assumed Alma "wouldn't mind". Furthermore, he was totally
oblivious to the fact that his support for Deirdre was clearly
hurting Alma, who, if not outrightly jealous, did at least have
cause for a certain amount of doubt and suspicion, especially
given Mike's track record. Why on earth does the wondrous Alma
stay with this smarmy, insensitive, snotty-nosed, self-seeking
jumped-up little East End barrow boy? It makes you wonder whether
he was circumcised at birth, because if he was, then they definitely
threw away the wrong bit.)
Back at the Big House, Jackie Dobbs is berating the Drear for
not eating breakfast for the third morning in a row. (Not that
Jackie minds that much, of course, especially since it goes down
her gullet instead). Deirdre says that she has no appetite, and
that unless carrots are involved, she doesn't want to know. Jackie
suggests to Deirdre that she take some classes and learn a new
skill. Deirdre says that she has no interest in classes, and unless
carrots are involved, she doesn't want to know. Surprised to learn
that Deirdre was once the manager of a travel agency, Jackie says
that however elevated her social and professional status, there
are always new skills that a woman like the Drear may like to
learn. Tailoring, for example. Deirdre doesn't agree, adding that
in any case she simply wouldn't fit in. This elicits a contemptuous
sneer from Jackie Dobbs. "Are you saying we're not good enough
for you?" she asks, menacingly. "Because it's exactly
that kind of snotty-nosed, stuck-up attitude that will get you
into trouble." The Drear finally loses her cool and screams
that she "couldn't give a toss" - unless, presumably,
there were a carrot involved - and besides, "why should I
want to learn a new skill at my time of life?" The vehemence
of Drear's little outburst quite impresses her thick-skinned cell-mate.
"That's better," says Jackie. "With that kind of
attitude, you might just get through all this. So tailoring it
is, then?" Exasperated, the Drear has no option but to acquiesce.
Even without the carrots.
In a very different kind of prison cell, Kevin Webster, Rursie
and Surfie are having breakfast. Rursie, who is to acting what
Stevie Wonder is to bird-watching, is telling her father that
there is monster behind him. Kevin wonders for a split-second
whether Natalie might have slipped in behind him while he wasn't
looking, but it all turns out to be little Rursie's idea of an
April Fool's jape. And how they all laugh! At this point, Sally
- slowly backsliding into the role of the 'little woman', more
fool her - emerges from the kitchen and the touching family tableau
is complete: another point-four of a sprog, and it would be nuclear
perfection. Anyway, at this point, Surfie winks lovingly at her
father, thus reducing him to jelly and almost bringing him to
tears. Sally then does what she always does when the girls have
been on screen more than the statutory ten seconds: she sends
them off to wash their hands/get ready for bed/play with their
dolls. When they have gone, Kevin turns to Sally and says mournfully:
"I don't deserve you, the girls, all this." He then
admits that now Chris has gone, he feels as though a great weight
has been taken off his shoulders. ( I can't think what he could
possibly mean by this, but I sure can guess).
At the Kabin, Leanne is having to do a paper-round, and she
is making a right pig's breakfast of sorting out the periodicals,
although of course she tries not to show this to Big Red Spice.
Big Red is not quite so green as she is cabbage-looking, however,
and tells Leanne that she is well aware of how behind she is.
Leanne has clearly been having too many late nights, burning the
candle at both ends and no doubt getting on Nick's wick in the
process. That she is all fingers and thumbs this morning is borne
out by her haphazard delivery of aforementioned periodicals to
the residents of the Street, for she manages to mix them all up
and post them through the wrong doors. Consequently, Emily receieves
Jack Duckworth's "Muscle" by mistake, while Jim "So
It Is" McDonald is landed with "True Romance" rather
than his usual "Exchange and Mart". (And we *all* know
what kind of things are advertised in that tawdry little rag,
don't we?). When Emily pops into the Kabin a little later, she
lets the cat out of the bag and lands Leanne right in it, albeit
quite innocently. Emily thinks it's actually rather a jolly little
jape, and tells Rita that it's nice to start off the day on a
humorous note. Rita, however, is not amused and issues a stern
verbal warning to Leanne. "Shape up," she says ominously,
"or ship out!"
Later, at the cafe, Leanne bends Tilly's ear and tells him
that the reason she is disoriented in the mornings is lack of
sleep; lack of sleep which comes not from clubbing or painting
the town red, but from being kept awake by Shannon/Babeh Kateh's
endless crying. Leanne blames Zoe, who appears to have neither
the interest nor the ability to look after her baby properly.
And who should be sitting on the other side of the cafe, listening
to all this? Yes, you guessed, it's our old friend, Judy "Slot
Machine" Mallett. As Leanne's anti-Zoe invective grows ever
more strident, Judy's discomfort increases accordingly. Naturally,
she endeavours not to tell Gareh, but gives in at least ten seconds
after she sees him. "I didn't want to say anything,"
she moans, stifling back a tear, "but it looks as though
Zoe is having trouble with Babeh Kateh." Gareh, wolfing down
his lunch as though his life depends on it, suddenly feels each
mouthful turn to stone as his once happy-go-lucky Judeh threatens
once more to transmogrify into a raving banshee. (Why don't they
just adopt a kid, or am I being too callous? How can she claim
to really care for a baby if she able to put a price on its head?
And indeed, is she concerned about Babeh Kateh or is her wallowing
purely out of self-interest; and, indeed, are the two mutually
exclusive? And are the scriptwriters not confusing us with viewers
who give a toss?)
From the ridiculous - Judy Mallett - to the sublime: Roy and
Hayley. Hayley pops into the cafe to tell Roy that she has an
appointment to see her solicitor with regard to her father's will.
She stands to come into rather a lot of money, and should thus
be in a position to make a very important decision. (I think we
all know what the decision is; I for one had to cross my legs
at this point). Anyway, it is a decision that she wants to discuss
with Roy, and so she asks him whether they could meet at the cafe
after work. Roy agrees, but not before adding that he had realised
all along that Hayley would soon have to reach an important decision.
After all, he says, "I am a man of the world." (Yes,
Roy, but not this world, surely. Please, not this world. You're
far too nice for that).
But who is this tall dark(ish) stranger knocking at the Les
Battersby's door? Why, it is a replacement hunk, come to take
over from Chris Collins. Toyah opens the door, the stranger says
"You don't know me but...", and Toyah closes the door
again. Clever girl - obviously trained to sniff out possible DSS
snoopers, social workers and Jehovah's Witnesses at twenty paces.
The stranger knocks again, and this time manages to tell Toyah
that his name is Greg Kelly and that he is looking for a man called
Les Battersby. Toyah looks him up and down, then up and down again,
offers a curt "Never heard of him", and slams the door.
At the Rover's, Les is trying to cadge a drink first off Kevin,
then off Des, but to no avail; nor will Vera allow him to have
a pint "on the slate". Spurned by all around him, Les
embarks on a loud and vituperative denunciation of "Northern
hospitality", which he says is a complete myth. At this point,
Greg Kelly enters the pub, sees the ginger cretin ranting and
raving, and watches him with mystified delight. When Les has departed,
Greg asks Betty who he was. "Aw, you don't want to know people
like that," she says. Vera agrees: "That sort is nothing
but trouble." (This is, I think, what they call the 'sledgehammer
approach' to dramatic foreshadowing). Anyway, the handsome stranger,
whose eloquent tone has endeared him to Vera immediately, tells
them that he is looking for one Les Battersby. In unison, Vera
and Betty cry: "Oh God, what has he done now?"
Out in the Street, Toyah warns Les that someone is looking
for him. "Where was he from?" asks Les, "DSS or
CID?" Toyah has no idea. "What do they teach you at
that school?" he says, trying to unload obviously dodgy stuff
from the boot of his car in double-quick time. "What use
is the national curriculum if you can't spot someone from the
Social?" Toyah says that it's none of her business, and that
Les can now ask the guy himself because, as they speak, Greg is
walking along the pavement towards them. There then ensues a pretty
sub-standard farce as Les pretends to the stranger that he is,
in fact, *Des* Battersby, Les's "sober, honest and industrious"
twin. Greg is obviously not taken in by this, but leaves a message
with "Des" all the same: Les is to contact him either
by fax or email at his hotel.
At the cafe, Hayley has come to tell Roy all about her visit
to the solicitor. It transpires that she has indeed come into
quite a bit of money, which means that she can now do what she
has always wanted to do and transform herself, via a discreet
operation abroad. She thanks Roy for everything he has done for
her, and most especially for making her feel like a real woman.
Roy asks her whether she will be coming back; Hayley says she
is not sure, but that if she does, it will be as the "real
Hayley Patterson". In one of the most touching scenes in
recent months, Roy then presents her with a gift: a huge, coffee-table
tone on "Automotive Engines". But inside there lies
hidden a beautiful gold pendant. Hayley is overwhelmed and Roy
too is close to tears. As she is about to leave, Roy asks her
poignantly whether Hayley had found him attractive. She nods.
And interesting? She nods again. Then, too choked to speak, they
give each other the thumbs up, and Hayley is gone.
It's all a bit anti-climactic after this, I'm afraid, and I'm
ashamed to say that I had to leave the room and have a cigarette.
But according to Mark, and Mike P's VU page, the final scenes
were of (a) Baldwin, unable to make his sums add up and drowning
his sorrows with Scotch; and (b) of the Drear and Jackie Dobbs,
with the Drear repeating her implicit "I shouldn't be here
because I'm considerably better than YOW" mantra, and Jackie
Dobbs pushing the Drear against a wall and telling her to "Shape
up or EAT FISH!"
That's all folks, because as of forty minutes ago, I am officially
on holiday and, like some old Victorian library book, I am Morocco-bound!
See you all on the 20th, and for my next update on the 22nd,
when I shall make up for this week's lack of gossip by giving
you all an extra big "As I See It".
The updates for next week and the week after will come courtesy
of "Annie". Don't worry, you'll love her: we all do!
Ciao for now, CP
Friday 3 April
Well, I'm amazed to be back and to find the house still standing
- it's our 21st Wedding Anniversary today and my wife and I have
just come back from a long weekend in the Yorkshire Dales - the
weather wasn't that brilliant but who cares when you've good
food and good beer in your tummy... oh and er, good company!
The thing is, though, we'd left our 17-year old son at home for
a marathon record breaking "slobathon". No doubt the
dishwater was on this morning doing a whole weekend's worth of
dishes and the local traders were busy rebuilding and redecorating
the house, getting rid of carpet stains and repairing the microwave
after all the hammer it received over the weekend - you'd never
recognise him as the lad who excelled in Home Economics at school
and showed real creative ability in the kitchen (I'm serious,
you know. Now his cuisine can be best described as "Ding
Cuisine" - "Ding" as in Microwave "Ding"
- if he's gotta cook it and it ain't in a frozen packet, then
it don't exist. Anyway, it beats me how he managed to afford
to pay all the tradesmen to repair the house after his weekend's
excesses, especially on his pocket money and the money he gets
from his part-time Saturday evening job as Love God (sorry, waiter!)
in a local Italian restaurant, but there you are!
We left a list of things to while we were away - you know,
the important things in life, like, put the waste bin out before
noon on Monday for the weekly waste collection - that got done
- and record Sunday's Corrie - well, it got done, but the tape
is at a mates, so presumably we'll see this after Monday's episode
unless the silly buggers have recorded over the tape - ah well,
sigh... Concentration span of a gnat and that's on a good day
for both!
We've long since given up taking him on holidays - the last
time was about 3 or 4 years ago, when we went caravanning with
our tourer to a site near Cardigan Bay in Wales. Whenever we
did things which took his wishes/interests/desires into account
that was fine, but whenever it became our turn, then you'd see
him a good thirty paces behind walking at the speed of a slug
and a face so long that his jaw dragged along the pavement. After
a visit to Aberystwyth, the nearest town, we asked how he was
enjoying his holiday, to which the reply came back "the
site's great - Wales is crap!". I think I now understand
why the Welsh Tourist Board turned down his job application!
Anyway, after that fiasco we now go on our own and that way everybody's
happy!
As I said though, the weather wasn't that good, but then again,
the UK is not noted for its climate - a week ago, things were
warm and I was beginning to visualise a spin-off from all this
global warming stuff everyone is spouting on about. I could see
the vine-groves extending down the hills of Glossop and a new
industry developing - alas, Chateau Lafitte a la Glossop may
stay a pipedream, as we were only a gnat's whisker away from
snow at times over the weekend!
Another bit of local news is that said "son" has
just passed the written part of his driving test and the driving
school instructor is recommending that we book him in for the
practical test for about 4 weeks time. The omens say that is
likely to coincide with our family becoming a single car family
again, after Trude and I have enjoyed twin car ownership all
these years - for those of you who say that I have no faith in
my son, all I would say is that I have as much faith in him now
as when I was his age - in 3 years I wrote off three cars!
The females amongst the audience may be interested to learn
that, after the storming success of The Full Monty (my mother-in-law
still things this is the full life story of Fieldmarshall Montgomery
- as she is getting increasingly frail, I don't think I'll disabuse
her of that notion), according to the Guardian newspaper (copyright
acknowledged), ASDA (a UK supermarket)'is considering providing
"well-oiled hunks" to entice women shoppers into its
stores during the World Cup. An ASDA source described this as
a "cross between personal shopping and the Chippendales.
Women will get a nice hunk to take them around the aisles while
their 19-stone husbands are slouched in front of the telly with
a can of lager." A whizz of a scheme, but will it be open
only to women?' asks the Guardian. When 'er downstairs was asked
what she made of it all, her comment was "not interested
unless they look like Les Ferdinand" - for those of you
not in the know, Les is very successful black footballer who
plays for Tottenham and according to my wife "has the best
bum in British sport". I presume she is not interested in
Linford Christie's lunchbox, so I am happy to let her indulge
herself with her fantasies and she reciprocates when I drool
over the best grannie in the business - I refer to Tina Turner
"the soul burner!" This tolerance has enable our marriage
to stay on the straight and narrow all these years - that and
my inate fear of my wife wielding a Chinese Chopper (meat cleaver
to you!) should I ever get beyond the "thinking about it"
stage.
This last week has been a week gripped by a number of inter-related
complaints. Anv acute attack of anoraksia nervosa (to which I
am particularly prone) has been the cause of me keeping a close
eye on developments in the Deirdre story - this has gripped the
nation and must rank alongside the "Who Shot JR?" status
of Dallas in the early 1980s, as a major media event and an incredible
blurring of fact and fiction in people's lives. Even politicians
were joining in on the act and this despite the fact that we
are some 3 to 4 years away from the next General Election.
The other linked problem has been a nationwide shortage of
carrots as the nation is united in its shock regarding the jury's
verdict and goes rooting for Dierdre.
Just spare a moment and ponder on this thought - Anne Kirkbride
has been in two major storylines in her professional career which
have resulted in massive viewing figures and in which press and
media comment which has been at fever pitch. The first was when
she had an affair with Mike Baldwin and decided to stay in her
marriage to Ken - that night, viewing figures went through the
roof and even at Manchester United who were playing football
at Old Trafford that night, the scoreboard displayed the outcome
of D's affair "Deirdre stays with Ken" accompanied
by the cheers of probably 50,000 or so spectators in the crowd,
voicing their approval. And here we are, years down the line
and another storyline with massive viewing. Apparently, electricity
consumption was up some 50% during the advertising break as the
nation steadied itself and put their kettles on following the
verdict. Awesome stuff indeed. Anne is not a particularly remarkable
actress - I don't think anyone would seriously put her alongside
the Judy Denches of this world - but the programme is successful
and has the ability to command vast audiences and hence generate
phenomenal advertising revenue. The middle break must carry rate
tariffs significantly greater than for for other times of the
day and like it or not, the ITV network survives only when it
gets "bums on seats". Although there are many in this
newsgroup who would argue otherwise, in my view it is gripping
drama.
It was the week's events which were the backdrop to the start
of Friday's episode brought to you by Cadbury's Wispa Mint.
Part 1 commences with Curly and Angie leaving the house
- they are discussing the £10,000 which Mike Baldwin has
paid from Underworld's account to cover D's legal costs. Angie
is telling Curly that Mike had told her he would be paying the
money back - Curly applauds Mike's actions in supporting D, but
Angie says that is fine as long as it does not put the Company
at risk. Curly is still taking Mike's side - surely this is is
only until Mike's money is freed up, but Angie ruefully comments
that Mike is "a regular superhero with somebody else's money".
Curly is taking Angie to the rrailway station - when asked Angie
says she is going shopping to which observant Curly replies, "Shopping?
With your portfolio?" and you get the feeling that very soon,
Angie and Mike are going to be no more as a partnership, but maybe
this is just me leaping ahead.
Emily and Ken are discussing D and reading a letter from her.
According to E, Deirdre is "down" and to Ken she is
"despreate" Ken tells how he has been awake all night
wondering what he could do. Emily clearly thinks that D's morale
might be improved when she hears about the campaign being mounted
on her behalf and the fact that this is mentioned in the local
paper. Ken looks for the article on the front page but is upset
to find that it is on page 9 underneath the paragraph about "a
mountain bike being stolen from a back yard in Inkerman Street".
You'd have thought local papers would be keener to get hold of
local issues and give them their due publicity - it reminds me
of the apochryphal tale of a local paper during the week of the
start of World War 2 - its sole mention of the hostilities was
reserved for a caption tucked away in a small article at the bottom
of page 5 stating "Local man hurt in world conflict"!
There is more to add to Ken's (and Deirdre's woes) as D has also
received her official notice of dismissal from Sunliners - what
do they expect, it's not good for trade unless you specialise
in "away breaks" for the likes of Ronnie Biggs, the
Krays twins and the like!
Gail bumps into Roy - they are both on their way to work at
T'Caff. He's been for a walk, Gail asks after his welfare. R "Well,
half of me says 'never better', the other half ... do you know
bacon sales are right dow! Do you think we should change supplier?"
G "Roy! Please!" R "Hayley's gone!" and with
that, he walks on, with Gail pausing to take it all in.
Nick is coming out of Ashley's - quick hello to Mum. Judy is
outside and when she espies him, she crosses the road to have
a word. She overheard Nick and 'arr Leanne talking in the Rovers
the other night about Katie/Shannon keeping them awake. She tries
to get into conversation on the pretext of taking it being hard
to do homework with a young baby around the house - we know she's
just after an angle to get some leverage from the situation. Nick's
not having any of this and clearly doesn't want to get involved
in Judy's fishing expedition.
Emily and Ken are joined by Mike - Ken is bringing in some
tea on a tray and offers him a drink (presumably hoping that strychnine
is untraceable).Mike, as ever, is scoring points - he has a factory
of women who'll do that for him. Emily shows Mike the letter they've
received from D and mentions that Sunliners have sacked D - Mike
gets in another dig about Ken's visit "didn't do much to
help her, did it"? He goes on to blame Ken's testimony as
being crucail in D being sent down. They start to get into fisticuffs
but Emily breaks up this facile display of male testosterone.
Ken is conerned at the tone of D's letter, worried that she might
do something to hurt herself and suggests it should be shown to
"the Governor, the Prison Visitor". Baldwin recognises
the need to do something practical, Ken says he's going to write
to her about the fund raising but Mike tells them not to bother
as he'll tell her when he sees her next week - you get the feeling
that this is the first Emily and Ken know about Mike's visit and
the phrase "hijacking events" springs to mind.
Gail and Roy are at T'Caff - he's chopping onions, tears tsreaming
down his cheeks. Gail is looking on, concerned. You get the feeling
that here's a good situation for soem jxtaposed dialogue and you
are not wrong. Gail asks if Roy wants to tell her what has happened.
R "Well, there's nothing much to tell - she's gone - I'm
still here!" G "It seems such a shame - you were so
well suited, everybody said so. We've seen a side of you we're
never seen before. I mean, from what Alma says, you've made a
new woman of Hayley"! (the nation gulps at another faux pas
from Gail!) It's bound to hurt when two people break up!"
R "So I take it, you agree with the words of Alfred Lord
Tennyson? 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have
loved at all." G "Well, yes, I suppose I do. I mean,
there's another thing. Before Hayley, you wouldn't have been quoting
love poems, would you?" R "Ah yes, but naswer me this,
gail. I mean, what is love? I mean, I've looked into every tome,
every anthology, there are thousands, millions of words written
by poets - love lost, love gained, old love, new love - but none
of them seem to be able to say what it is!" G "What's
love but a second hand emotion..." R (thinking) "John
Donne!" G "Tina Turner! And now we've sorted that out,
no more tears, eh?" R "No, no. I promise , especially
now I've finished chopping these onions." G smiles, not really
knowing what to say.
Lama the misprint comes into the Rovers - Curly wants to reward
her and her kind hubby with adrink "thank you on behalf of
us all!". Lama is perplexed as to what Curly is on about
- he mistakes it for false modesty and tells her that he heard
it all from Angie, that he doesn't want it to unnoticed and proceeds
to spill the beans to a disbelieving Lama, accompanied by Vera
and Samanfa. "Ten grand, it's a lot of dosh, even for you
two. It'll cost more than that, though, by the time the appeal's
heard... but, cheers!" Lama asks for an explanation - she
is told how the legal account was paid through the Company books,
but that would sorted from their personal funds, once available.
Vera offers Lama a drink to celebrate, but Lama has heard enough
from this crowd - she leaves the pub rather swiftly, with Curly
upset he's let the cat out of the bag and hoping this won't get
Angie into trouble but "It's not every day you can raise
a glass to something that Mike Baldwin does, now is it, 'eh"?
How true!
Greg - and I quote here lest you misunderstand me "Coronation
Street's new hunk" - is outside the Battersby residence.
He recognises 'arr Toyota, but she's got him down as a perv. As
she won't talk in the street, he recommends the car. T "Why
don't you just offer me a bag of sweets?" G "What do
you think I am?" T "I know what you are" - she
sees Les crossing the street, "Hey Dad, this perv's trying
to get me into his car!" Les gets hold of Greg and slams
him against his rather nice BMW (Greg's not Les', silly!) - Greg
tries to tell him the line "me son, you daddah" much
to Les' disbelief.
End of part 1
Music - choc ices, stormy petrels on a stick, albatrosses
and other delicacies offered while we watch the ads. I'm a great
lover of music and humour and I love either or both being used
to sell products. A lot of 60s music is being reconstituted successfully
in advertising and I never could resist humour in the selling
process - after all, things like washing up liquids, hair shampoos
are pretty boring things to sell, so why don't they make it interesting
and enjoyable? Obviously my views count for nothing because, on
the strength of these criteria, none of the adverts was memorable
and I couldn't recommend that you go out and buy them on the strength
of the boring fare dreamt up by the ad men and women. What's more,
they ddidn't even have a fanciable woman to make the sensation
agreeable, with the result that, it's swiftly onto .....
Part 2
Greg has scaped himself off his car, no doubt quoting a line which
many would say recollects their first time(!) "That's not
exactly how I imagined it would be - I've been dreaming of this
for for years!" Toyota "He's mad, him!" Les "What
is your game kid?" Once Greg tells him he's called Greg Kelly,
Les denies all knowledge of aftherhood "any kid of mine -
I wouldn't call it Greg - no, it would be called Wayne - after
the Duke!" T (straight from a season at Planet Zorg) "I
thought his name were Philip!" L "Not Edinburgh! John
Wayne!" Greg continues to maintain his status vis a vis Battersby
pere, even telling him that his mother is called Moira, but Les
says she might be lying and tells him to go, "If I catch
you bothering 'arr Toyah again, I'll pull your bits so farover
your head, you'll be able to wear them as a bobble hat! OK?"
Greg decided now's not the time to introduce new headgear onto
the Weatherfield fashion Scene and drives off in his BM! Les comments
about G being a "right nutter", but Toyota's hormones
are now on overdrive as she wistfully says "Pity, he we're
that bad lookin'" - pity no-one has explained the law regarding
incest, but then Dad's in denial, so maybe it doesn't apply.
Mike is at work - he's on the phone telling them about
him being a happily married man. Memories of Spike Millagan in
the Goon Show come flooding back "How little he knows about
how little he knows!". Lama storms in, takes the phone out
of Mike's hand and hangs it up (the phone, not the hand)! She
yells "Ten thousand pounds, that's how much you've paid,
sorry - we've paid for Deirdre's defence". She wants to know
it's not true - Mike says he can explain all, but Lama tells him
"There's no way you can explain how you gave a woman £10,000
and try to keep it a secret. You disgust me"! Mike asks her
to calm down but it's not working. She says that "while everyone's
been calling me a hero, I've been wondering how our marriage has
turned into a sham without me ever knowing and you tell me to
calm down"! Ballastic is the expression that springs to mind
- a crowd is gathering to watch the 'turn.
Nick is telling Zoe and Ashley about his conversation
with Judy earlier in the day - they want to know how the subject
arose and he admits that he had discussed in the pub with Leanne
how the baby was keeping them awake at night - Zoe tells them
that the baby is teething and how it's hard work bringing up a
baby. Nick replies that he knows that but if he had a baby, he'd
look after it, "rather than lying in bed too smashed to move
waiting for someone else to sort her out" (from Chaper 5
of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale
Carnegie).
Still at Underworld, Mike is highly embarrassed at
Lama's flow of emotion. He tells her that, originally, he was
going to put the cheque through the company accounts but Angie
found out, so he had told Angie that we was only doing this until
his own funds came through - this was, in fact, a cover. He'd
hoped that D was going to be found innocent and he would be able
to recover his costs. However, Lama thinks the worst and wonders
how D was going to show her gratitude. By this time, they have
moved outside Mike's office, where Frizzie Lizzie is standing
nearby.Lama continues to wonder how long the relationship has
been going on - after all, he's even set her up in her own flat.
Liz Hamburger tells her she's got it all wrong, but Lama says
"£10,000 for a barrister says I'm right - are you covering
for him now? I bet that's why he gave you the job. When she gets
locked up, you pull blondie off the subs bench and when she gets
out you can all have fun together!". With that, she slaps
his face as we are left pondering a somehwat gruesome menage a
trois.
Zoe has turned up at Judy and Gary's place - she's
angry after Nick's conversation with Judy. She tells Judy that
it's nothing to do with her and storms out. Gary tries to get
across the same message, since Katie/Shannon is not their baby
and the fact that they have other alternatives, either to have
their own or to adopt. Judy is obsessed and Gary tells her that
he's having difficulty living with her in this state.
Back at the pub, Sally has obviously told Vera about
Mike and Lama and Deirdre and Lizzie. Vera has now changed her
mind about Mike - this morning he was a good guy, now he's devious
and not to be trusted. Audreh comes in and if you want to get
a message across to the world, Audreh's the person - my folks
used to have a name for her type, it translates as The Warsaw
Courier, which was the name of a widely read newspaper back in
the homeland before the war and Warsaw Courier, says it all to
me, including the initials. Vera tells her that Mike and Deirdre
have been having an affair for 15 years. Sally tries to correct
the erroneous tale, but why let facts get in the way of some juicy
gossip - Mike has spent £20,000 on D's defence. When Sally
protests that it was only £10,000, Vera points out that
there's still the appeal to consider! Audreh decides it's time
to hear the erest of the tale direct from sally and orders a drink
to go with the tale. Meanwhile Samanfa is heard disbelieving that
anyone could carry on with anyboby for 15 years in CS without
being found out (must be sheer jealousy that she couldn't keep
it up for longer than she did with Chris, but maybe her grip isn't
what she thought)! Vera conjectures that maybe this was what caused
the Ken/Deirdre split and expresses amazement at D's ability to
pull the men "I wish you could bottle it, I'd have a gallon"!
At T'caff, Roy is anxious to clarify some misapprehensions
that Gail has been labouring under all day - it just reminds you
of the famous sick note to an employer from a female employee
"Dear Sir, I have been under the Doctor for a week now and
it doesn't seem to be doing me any good"! R "About me
and Hayley - it wasn't love, not how you mean it!" G "Oh,
what was it, then?" R "Well, we were friends" G
"Mm, I'm married to Martin and he's my best friend"
R "Ah, but me and Hyley weren't intimate, not like you and
young Martin." G "There are lots who are intimate, Roy
and love never gets a look in!" R "Mmm, what we had,
you see, was unique, unlike any other relationship I'm aware of"
G "Do you miss her?" R "Well, it's not going to
be so much fun on my own again, is it?" G "Yep, sounds
like love to me"! R "I knew you wou;dn't understand,
I'll leave you to finish off" G laughs as Lama wanders in.
"Hey, have you heard about Roy and Hayley"? Lama "have
you heard about Mike and Deirdre?!
'Arr Leanne comes into Castle Battersby - Toyota is
front of stage, with Les to one side. The two girsl are talking
at each other - well they think they're talking to each other,
but it's two conversations we are witnessing. Leanne is talking
about the Mike/Deirdre sitaution - Toyota about Greg and her.
After a bit, they realise they they are at cross-purposes. Leanne
begins to realise that Greg could well be her brother, but Les
is still in denial as he might be from "the Social".
T "Well if you ask me, he'll be 'Care in the Community' -
I mean, nobody in their right minds would want *him* (looking
at Les) as their dad. Must be a complete nutter"!
Sally is in the pub talking to Samanfa - she expresses
her regrets that Sam and Des' relationship didn't work out. Sam
agrees but says "then you know as well as I do how much more
exciting it is to go out and eat steak than stay at home for beans
on toast" - no doubt this statement is deeply replusive to
the veggies in the audience but with characters like Butcher Fred
around (where is he, I say, where is he?) maybe she has a point.
Anyway, Sal says that she didn't deceive anybody. Sam's in putdown
mood and attributes it all to Chris playing a game where it was
more exciting with his mates' women - this sort of reminds me
of the Communist Party news broadcasts in the 1960s, where history
was regularly rewritten by the apparatchiks - it all sounded vaguely
familiar, but not quite the way you rememebered it! Anyway, it's
Sal's turn to serve the ball and she tells sam not to judge everyone
by her own standards - "we don't all find it exciting to
cheat on someone who loves and trusts us, you know"! Youch!
Baldwin comes in, buys a drink and takes it over to
Frizzie Lizzie, who is skulking and scowling away from the bar.
he apologies for Lama's tirade earlier on. She wants a history
lesson and MVB admits he did have an affair with D many years
ago. Liz seems to be wondering whether she needs to dig out the
mattress and weld it onto her back - why did she get her job,
she asks? Don't we all? Well, he goes into a rant as to how t'gaffer
of t'mill has t'right t'employ whomsoever he wants, only not wuote
so eloquently - he gave her the job because unlike the rest of
them, she had a good head on her shoulder. "Someone can teach
you to work a machine. No-one can teach you common sense".
That kind readers is the nearest we have come to an official statement
that BSE has hit CS and well and truly gnawed away at his brain
cells. If she has commonsense, then I'm the Pope - well I know
I'm the right nationality, but that's where it ends as I have
none of his other habits - my previous traits of kissing the ground
ended when I realised that I was unable to hold 8 pints of beer
and a decent conversation and my balance at the same time. Liz
tells him to sort out his problems with Lama and to make sure
he is sober - why she doesn't tell him to fix and urgent appointment
with the Optician and to order a white cane is the over-riding
thought of 15 to 20 million viewers nationwide. As he leaves the
pub, he asks Vera whether she's seen Lama, but he gets nothing
but lip from her. In an attempt to tell it like it is, Mike announces
to all and sundry that there is nothing going on between D and
himself. Vera who has a cutting tongue among her attributes replies
"Oh and there never has been, were Alma lying about that
and all"? Realising he can't win those sorts of battles,
he leaves.
Lama and Gail are talking - Lama has told G about how
Mike gave the money for D's defence. Gail tries to tell her that
this doesn't mean that there's anything still going on and that
maybe she's looking for things that aren't there. However, all
is becoming clear for Lama as she tells Ggail how Mike tried to
smuggle D out of the country, "it's a heck of a risk to take
for a woman who's just a friend." Gail suggests Lama tackles
Mike for an explanation, but Lama says that this is something
which Mike is good at but she doesn't want to hear, doesn't want
to be conned. Gail just doesn't see how it makes sense, but Lama
points out that neither does the £10,000 unless they are
having an affair. Although she says she isn't really bothered
by the money, she concedes that it would take her some time to
bring in £10,000 working in Firman's. But, in any case,
"you know what it's like to be conned and lied to - it's
worth more than any money. It doesn't matter what he does or says
now, he's ruined everything we had together. He betrayed me, Gail,
and I'll never forgive him for that"!
Cue music and credits
Episode written by David Lane
Copyright of above scripts remains with ITV Television.
The episode was an interesting one for me. We can
see Mike's business relationship with Angie about to falter at
the same time as his marriage to Alma - I'm not quite sure how
realistic is the situation in which Mike has put himself, as
regards Deirdre. For me there is a credibility problem of someone
being so blind as to the consequences of his actions, especially
someone as streewise as Mike. Having said that, modesty is a
quality not exactly in abundance as far as he is concerned -
that liberally sprinkled with his chauvinsim is maybe, just a
case of, "I know there's nothing in it - why should you
be bothered". What will be interesting is how this affects
him as an individual.
We are also starting to see the inklings of a storyline
for Zoe - she has never been exactly good at handling criticism
and this cannot come more personal than her ability to look after
Shannon. She wants the baby, but is probably not really coping
too well. She is streetwise enough to be opportunistic - I suppose
you have to be to survive - and we have seen this in the way
she has manipulated men, especially someone weak, caring and
vulnerable such as Ashley.
Greg's arrival on the street is opening up a storyline
for him - as far as I'm concerned the jury's out. I'm not over
impressed at this stage, but time will tell.
Dialogue was pretty strong at times here with classic
stuff from Roy, as ever. Brilliant timing and delivery make his
appearances a joy to behold and we hope it won't be long before
Hayley returns - those characters have such great potential.
The other magic moments come from Toyah - I have to say that,
when she first appeared I really could not see any endearing
qualities, but over the last few weeks, we have seen some wonderful
dialogue showing us a young actress with great potential - the
portrayal of ignorance, innocence and passion, in her own way
have been little gems. I look forward to her appearances because
of the promise they show and, usually, there's something there
to reward it!
Well here we are - Monday night, I've seen tonight's
episode but not yet Sunday's (!). The last week or so on the
newsgroup has been notable for a Spooky person not making too
many posts - hopefully having Pooked off somewhere else. Long
may it stay that way!
On a closing note, just to go back to Friday night
- in the old days on BBC Radio, Friday Night was Music Night
- now its a great telly night with Corrie at 7:30, the Bill at
8:30, Classic Corrie at 9:00 and father Ted at 9:30.
For those who haven't watched the latter programme,
this is on in the UK on Channel 4 - we are now in the third and
last series of one of the most hilarious and innovative comedy
programmes for many years, I would hazard, maybe of the decade.
"Father Ted" is set on Craggy Island, off Ireland and
is the story of three wayward priests who have been given a posting
to the island out of harm's way. Father Ted's previous crime
was the embezzlement of church funds, which he was unable to
explain away satisfactorily - his excuse being that they were
merely "resting in his account". Father Dougal is a
simpleton - the village idiot who is a walking disaster zone.
Father Jack is a lecherous sex-crazed, insane alcoholic. Their
housekeeper, Mrs Doyle is dedicated to serve and look after them
- her dedication to providing endless cups of tea is only matched
by her desire to fill them with mountains of sandwiches. The
programme is unlike any other for its surreal humour - probably
a visual equivalent of the Goon shows of the 50s. It is so difficult
to pick specific moments from the programme, but, just by way
of example, one clip shows Father Jack having an eye test - the
optician is amazed that Father Jack can read the whole eye test
card right down to the bottom line - until we see that each line
in this Irish card has the same word on it, "Drink"
- this being Jack's mantra. To give an indication of the power
of this programme, Richard Wilson had a guest appearance in Friday's
show as the Victor Meldrew character from "One Foot in the
Grave". Tragically, Dermot Morgan, who played Father Ted,
died from a heart attack a couple of days after the shotting
of this series had been completed. Don't miss it - it's a real
gem and please forgive my indulgence for this plug.
Well that's it for now 23:08 - see you next week!
Bye...........
Regards, Alan
Sunday 5 April
Week 31 of the Laird Towers Kitchen Renovation Project,
and the project manager is still locked in dispute with the contractors
over deadline slippages. In return, the contractors are suing
for failure to settle stage payments. Don't expect to see this
one reaching the High Courts though !! (I am the contractor...)
Weekends chez nous are filled up these days with what
seems an endless round of cleaning. We lost our daily (once-a-weekly
would be more accurate, mind you) a few weeks ago when she had
to quit as she was in protective custody and moving from safe
house to safe house on a regular basis. This arose from a dispute
between her and her sister, plus associated boyfriends, resulting
in a fight outside a pub, a fair number of kicks and punches
and a relatively harmless stabbing incident. Following this,
her house was gutted when "someone" put a petrol bomb
through the letterbox. Hence the police involvement. To cap it
all, the supposed perpetrator arrived on our doorstep offering
to take over the cleaning duties ! When you've had a sheltered
upbringing like me, these goings-on are somewhat of an eye-opener.
On a brighter note, I see this week's episode is sponsored
by Cadbury's Creme Eggs. YUMMMM !!! I once ate three straight
off for lunch, in the days when I thought the basic food groups
were beer, chocolate, burgers, chips and spag bol. Men of the
world will recognise this as a symptom of student behaviour -
thankfully I am now almost fully cured and can occasionally be
let out in public.
That's about all for the preamble this week, I simply
can't keep up with the insane output of Alan Me-left-cheek (Joey:
I loved that film !). Without further ado, moving smartly
on, taking no prisoners, let's ROCK:
Act 1
Alma and Mike's flat. Mike is on the phone, leaving a message
for Frankie, Deirdre's solicitor, asking her to call if there
is any news on the Drear's appeal. [Only topical notice, at the
bottom of our road, sign in back of car window - "Hang Deirdre".]
Alma is still seething after the set-to at the factory, asking
Mike if he is still helping his "girlfriend" out. In
return, he asks where she flounced off to earlier, suggesting
it might have been arr Audr-eh. No, it was Gail's. The pair continue
to spar and Mike once again denies there is anything romantic
going on between Deirdre and himself. [Come on Alma, you've seen
those tortured face muscles and tendons in action, what man could
be interested in that, really ?]
In the unnamed prison, we see Deirdre and Jackie swabbing
the decks. The Scouse One is asking about Samir. On learning that
he died, she suggests this is why the conman Mr Tie Rat moved
in, as "they target lonely widows". As two other inmates
push past, giggling, The Weatherfield One asks what they are laughing
at. Jackie tells her again that the snotty cow act is not helping,
and that they're all inside because of some lousy fellas.
Emily and Liz arrive at Ken's house, and chat about
the fun at the factory. Liz is indiscreet about the matter of
Deirdre's legal bill, and the mist lifts from Ken's vision. [He
doesn't say it, but "BALDWIN !!" is clearly echoing
round his head.]
It's round 3 at the Baldwin flat, and Alma is wondering
how far Mike is prepared to go, financially and otherwise, to
help Dreary. Will he bankrupt them, should she pawn her own jewelry
perhaps ? Never fear, Mike will think of something, as he can't
back out now. Alma is still suspicious re the earlier affair,
and asks if it was just a fling, or was it serious ? Did he want
to marry Deirdre ? Eventually, she drags the truth out of him.
Yes, he had. Before it gets uglier still, Mike is saved by the
bell as Angie arrives with some important news. They disappear
off to the factory in order to get Mike away from the flat.
Back in stir, the dragon woman approaches Deirdre with
the news that her appeal hearing has been brought forward to that
very afternoon. Deirdre is cook-a-hoop, and no that's not rude.
She'd had a good feeling that morning. Yeah really ? [Apology
at this point, it's not Officer Beetch as I had first reported,
it's Veitch. Probably a Germanic pronunciation of Witch, so we'll
stick with that.]
Angie has had a job offer from a firm in London. It
sounds a little better than Underworld, she will be the
in-house designer and have a car and a company pension scheme.
Mike asks what was wrong with the big fish in the little pond
set-up. "Maybe the pond was a bit too small", she replies.
"And had a shark swimming in it !"
Problem No 1, meanwhile, is ecstatic as the Witch tells
her to come right away as the transport is ready. She says goodbye
to Jackie and wishes her luck. [At this point, viewers alarm bells
are ringing across the country as we sense Deirdre riding for
a fall, how can the appeal be taking place on a Sunday, no notice
from the legal reps, no briefing, no nothing ??] As Deirdre is
led through the chain of about 4 doors, she is blabbering on,
asking the Witch if they'll let her go straight home, surely she
won't need to come back, her things are there though, oh no she
won't be wearing any of the clothes she had inside, blah blah
blah. However, the Witch stops Dreary at the last door and tells
her she's going nowhere. "What?". "See that door
there ? It's not for letting you out, it's to keep you in."
Oh dear, Deirdre has had a short lesson in hard knocks.
Intermission
Completely unexciting....
Act 2
In the Rovers, Alec is quizzing Deirdre's supporters. Again, Liz
blabs about how Mike is paying for everything. Les suspects this
is because Mike has the hots for Frankie. Les certainly has !
He explains this away as "a male thing". [Checklist:
face, body, pulse. Yep, ignition...] Vera asks him if he would
be so keen for Janice to know about his lusts. It turns out Janice
is at her mother's, who is poorly, and Les leaves to make his
own flamin' dinner. Emily takes Ken aside and asks him if Baldwin's
largesse is annoying him. [Just a smidgin, we imagine.]
At the factory, Angie and Mike are trying to resolve
the situation. She offers to continue to work for him as a freelance
designer. Is he going to buy her out ? This is yet more financial
bad news, but he suggests she could remain a sleeping partner
and keep her money in the business for the time being. They head
off to the Rovers for a drink.
At the Battersby household, Greg has arrived, bearing
a photo of Les and his mother, with a message on the back from
Les. Les asks if Greg is after money, cos he hasn't got any. [This
much should have been painfully obvious !] No, this isn't what
Greg is there for. They talk about his mother, who Les had only
known for a week, it turns out. It was a holiday romance. Toyah
arrives, and demand to know why the "perv" is there.
Persuaded not to phone the police straightaway, she nevertheless
is not going to hang about, disappearing out of the door again
with a parting shot to her Dad of "get knotted". "Gobby,
like her mother", Les explains. He asks if Greg has any kids,
and is relieved to hear he has not become an instant grandfather.
Mike and Angie arrive in the pub. He tells everyone
there is no news from the legal eagles. Liz wonders how rough
it must be for poor Deirdre. "I bet there are some right
slappers inside", she says. [LOL ! Keen fans will no doubt
remember the episode where Deirdre had suggested to Jon that people
must think Liz a bit of a slapper on account of her lack of dress
sense, fright night hairdo, etc.]
Greg and Les have sunk a few more cans. We learn that
Greg's "Dad" had been in the rag trade, but had died
in the last year. Only after this had Greg decided to seek out
his real father. "The missing link", suggests Les, to
our amusement. He had been found by a private investigator. Les
is chuffed [as in "pleased"], as he's fed up being the
only bloke in the household. He has accepted Greg as his son.
A quick trip back to the big house, where Deirdre is
immobile on her top bunk. Jackie walks in and sees that TWO is
back. "Go away and leave me alone", yells Deirdre.
The cans are piling up at the Battersby's. Toyah is
back, and is looking at the photos of Greg's mother. Les tells
her that Greg is her brother [well, stepbrother] and then
tells Greg about Leanne, his sister [okay, half-sister]. "How
many more are there", wonders Toyah. [Just to recap, Toyah
is Janice's daughter, and Leanne is Les' daughter. They are not
blood related.]
Mike returns to the flat, and tells Alma about Angie's
news. He asks how her day has been, what has she been up to. A
bit of this, a bit of that, she says, then angered at the small
talk she lays into him. "Can't you see how upset I am ?".
Mike is out of his emotional depth, while Alma continues to berate
him about his involvement. [This is something Amanda Barrie is
very good at playing, the edge of tears and voice breaking scenes.]
Mike spots a distraction in the form of the answering machine
blinking away. Alma hasn't noticed it. It's Desperate Deirdre,
lid well and truly flipped, falling apart and seeing evil in everyone
inside. "You've got to get me out of here", she says.
Mike blunders straight on despite the obvious warning signs from
Alma and observes that "she needs me". "So do I",
Alma tells him. As it becomes clear that he is going to continue
in his fight, Alma issues a final warning, that she might not
be there when he gets back.
This episode was written by Adele Rose [courtesy of
the CSVU - I try hard not to peek at Mike's excellent site before
writing to avoid charges of plagiarism - this week I forgot to
note the scriptwriter].
All rather middling this week. I'm tiring rapidly
of Deirdre's swings from self-defeating depression to pointless
optimism, she's just fallen apart so rapidly in prison with not
much in the way of plot or character development. Plus, of course,
we are without the excellent Roy and Hayley double-handers. [And
I missed Hayley's departure last Wednesday, boo hoo, bloody
football, grr.] Still, on the bright side, the Muppets weren't
anywhere to be seen. Time for Fred to return, I say, time for
Fred to return.
Overall rating (out of 5 stars): **1/2
Best line: Homo Battersbus and his "missing link"
query.
Best scene: Not awarded.
Worst news: It looks like Angie is leaving again.
What is her fan club going to do about this ? (*)
TTFN
John Laird
Monday 6 April
I was going to write a long resume of my life this
week, but it's been so boring, even my birthday on Sunday. Twenty
One again. Ah well, on with the update.
What? No en suite facilities in Cell Block H? Jackie
returns from the showers to find a full page newspaper article
pinned on the door. Headline Jet Set Fantasy takes a Nose-Dive,,
with a photo of Dreary augmented by a marker pen beard and glasses
set. The article describes Dreary as "A mild-mannered man-eater",
which Jackie thinks should be copied and sent to all her mates.
Dreary is not amused, and again, Jackie tells her to buck up,
and stop the <Insert Autotext Here> routine. The other lags/gals/slags
will continue to wind her up if they know it's still getting to
her. Dreary continues to sulk on the bed, refusing breakfast again.
Lama is siding the breakfast pots, noisily, trying
to show her displeasure with Mike. He tells her it's no good clattering
around, and she criticises him for spending half a day working
and the other half in Cell Block H. He tells her that she's a
selfish bitch, and he doesn't need her on his back when he's trying
to save his business, he can,t afford to buy Angie out. Lama retorts
with a comment about the cash he's throwing at Dreary, so they
have a money row. Then Lama questions his efforts in saving their
marriage, so he throws two words back at her - "Stephen Reid".
Then some more: So don't lecture me on the sanctity of marriage,.
They agree to talk later.
Les is searching the cupboard for some headache painkillers.
He finds an empty bottle, and throws a wobbly with Toyah for not
buying more when she did the shopping last week. She says she
didn't have her crystal ball, and anyway, it's his own fault for
going out on the booze two nights because of the return of his
long lost son, Greg. Just slipping in a reason for Janice's absence,
she's apparently at her Mother's, either Janice is ill or her
Mother is, it's not made clear. But get well soon, Vicky Entwistle.
Les is surprisingly loud for someone who is in desperate need
of headache tablets! As Toyah goes off to school, Les suggests
a family get-together - tonight, then they can have another when
Janice gets back.
In the Kabin, Leanne and Zoe are having a fag and a
cuppa while Zoe reads from a magazine problem page. Betty Williams
comes in, and comments on how Rita would take them smoking. Leanne
reckons that the shop's profit comes from tobacco sales, and that,s
what pays for Rita's glitzy jumpers, so Rita'd be a hypocrite
if she was offended. Betty hears Shannon,s coughing, and tells
Zoe to get her out of the smoky atmosphere and to the doctor's.
Zoe insists that there's nothing wrong with Shannon, I should
know, I'm her Mother, I think there's an Autotext entry #2 here.
As Betty leaves, to comments of "Nosey old Bag",
Toyah comes in to tell Leanne the truth about Greg definitely
being her half-brother. Leanne is annoyed that she's heard this
confirmation, and the news of the family get-together, from Toyah
rather than Les. Toyah, it seems, deliberately skanked off school
to tell her before Les did. The scheming little monkey!
It must already be lunchtime, because Angie and Mike
are in the Rover's. He's feeling down, he won't stand in her way,
but wishes her departure had come at a better time. She wishes
him good luck on his prison visit, and sends her love to Dreary.
Ashley is telling Betty that they got some cough medicine
from the chemist, and Shannon is fine. Betty dismisses this diagnosis,
and tells him to get her down to the doctor's. Gary hears this,
and puts his two pennorth in. "Listen", says Ashley,
"I come here for a quiet pint, not twenty flamin, questions",
and storms off.
Back to Mike, he's doing the dirty on Angie. He calls
her new employer, Jason Griffin, suggesting that she still has
commitments in Weatherfield.
In No4, Leanne is telling Nick all about Greg, and
the forthcoming party. Leanne has the grumps because she's not
been invited directly by Les. Ashley comes home, and rounds on
Zoe for smoking while Shannon plays at her feet. He phones the
clinic, an appointment with Doctor O'Brien for Shannon Jade Tattersall
at 11:10 on Friday morning. He explains how he'd been lectured
by Betty and Gary, though he admits that Shannon Jade is none
of Gary's business. And in case you adn't noticed, she's none
o' yours neither, snarls Zoe. Ashley promises to remember that
next time she's crying in the middle of the night when Zoe can't
be bothered to get out of her bed. <Insert Autotext #2>
At Underworld, Angie answers the phone. It's Jason
Griffin, telling her what Mike has suggested. We don't learn what
it is, but Angie is angry.
Considering Dreary only gets one visiting order every
two weeks, she's doing well to get Mike so soon after Ken. He
tells her how everybody is thinking of her, but all she manages
to say is that's nice, before drifting off into her own little
world, drawing imaginary pictures with her finger on the table.
Mike calls Big Butch Warder over, explaining that Dreary needs
help. She leads Dreary away.
End of Part One
Lama is sitting at home when Angie phones, seeking
Mike. Lama agrees to tell him that Angie called - if she sees
him.
BBW comes back to visitors, reception. She uses his
name, then forgets it seconds after. She tells him that Dreary
is very distressed, and is under mild sedation in the hospital
wing. The Prison psychologist will see her in a day or so, and
she'll be put on 15 minute suicide watch. Mike tries to tell her
how a week inside has broken her, she shouldn't be there, she
<ooops sorry, Autotext entry #1>. BBW gives him some advice,
after forgetting his name. It's his fault that Dreary has gone
downhill. If he'd encouraged her to accept the sentence, she wouldn't
be in this state. His actions have not been caring, more downright
cruel. Mike promises BBW that he's reporting her for this - you
do that, Sir. Warden Veitch. V-E-I-T-C-H, (Shouldn't that be Warder?)
Leanne is weighing out sherbert lemons, and putting
the bags back in the bottle. Les comes in, turns the shop sign
to Closed, , and says he's been looking for Leanne all day. Not
hard enough, says Leanne, still miffed. She folds her arms while
Les tells her about Moira Kelly, and the resultant Greg. She tells
him that she already knows, she heard it from Toyah, but would
rather have heard about her new brother from him. Les had been
sweating cobs, wondering how to tell her, and she reminds him
that he,s known for days but couldn,t be bothered crossing the
road to tell her. He blusters, saying he only knew for certain
yesterday. She's still not happy at this explanation, but he invites
her to the family reunion tonight, 5:30 at their house. Zoe comes
in, despite the closed sign, and tells Les that Leanne will be
there. As Les goes, Zoe suggests to Leanne that despite being
miffed, she's surely keen to see what he looks like. Leanne reluctantly
agrees to this.
Curly, who had tried to visit the Kabin during this
scene, but unlike Zoe, was deterred by the Closed sign, is doing
a crossword in a broadsheet at the bar. He can't tell the difference
between flammable and inflammable. Ken tells him it's easy, you
just count the spaces. Surely the clue would tell him how many
letters. Curly can count can't he? They agree that the answer
is flammable,. Obviously a filler scene, but are we expected to
believe that Curly can't count the number of letters in his head
to see if it fits?
Mike comes in, he needs to speak to Ken, but we cut
to Judeh and Gary, when Curly sits down to leave Ken and Mike.
He's not exactly made welcome, so he goes back to chat with Betty.
Judeh goes into Babeh Kateh, mode and announces she's phoning
the Social Services.
Mike tells Ken about the afternoon,s visit to Dreary,
and her new health problems. Then he's off to see Frankie Stilman
to see what to do next.
Gary is telling Judy that people would say they,d phoned
the Social out of spite, but that wouldn,t be true. It would have
been true if this had happened six months ago, but now they just
want what's best for Shannon. Note Shannon, not Katie, but it's
Gary speaking.
It's 5:30 and the party is getting underway. Greg arrives,
with a bottle of champagne, apologising for it not being very
cold. Les is delighted with this gesture, and promptly puts it
away, saying he won't waste it on this lot, he'll save it for
a special occasion. Toyah starts sucking up to Greg, Leanne is
all smiles. Greg comments on her being a child bride, she assures
him she's not pregnant, and Nick tells him how he didn't miss
a party because they ran away to Scotland to do the deed. Les
says that Leanne is just like her Dad, romantic and impulsive.
Lama visits the Gail at the Cafe, just at closing time.
Angie is there too, and tells her that Mike is very lucky not
to be hanging from the ceiling by his tie. She explains to Gail
that she's moving to a wizzo new job in London, but then turns
to Lama and describes how Mike has put his oar in by trying to
negotiate a £10,000 severance fee! Lama says she will not
pass on any message to Mike, she's not his secretary, only his
wife. As Angie leaves, to Lama's "you,ll probably see him
before me anyway", Lama, with those big panda eyes, asks
Gail if there's any chance of a bed for the night?
Back at the party, Nick is telling Greg how he lost
his Dad, but he felt that he always knew him, and it must have
been weird wandering round wondering who his Dad was. Greg explains
how he often used to wonder what would happen when he finally
did turn up on the doorstep. Leanne suggests "and he'd shut
the door in your face?", which causes an embarrassing silence
from those who know that that did happen. Les goes upstairs to
find a tape. (Smokie, from Bradford. As MikeP would say - "Top
Man!")
Greg is pleased that they have welcomed him, and not
seen him as stranger trying to muscle in on their lives.
Les can't find that tape, so they'll have to listen
to Jimmy Nail instead. He asks if Greg can sing, Leanne, who is
getting sloshed by this time, tells him about Les having a great
voice, especially for Delilah, on the karaoke.
Les goes into proud father mode, and boasts that Greg
used to be a professional footballer in Stoke, a midfield dynamo.
Toyah asks if he ever played at Wembley, but Greg says he never
got past the First Division. (I'm not a football fan, but this
all sounded a bit sloppy to me). Les then goes on to insult Nick
with Them that can, do. And there,s them that can't, end up like
him - students,. Nick feigns offence, and goes for more beers.
Leanne starts flirting with Greg. Toyah sulks.
Gail and Lama are discussing Mike in the Cafe. Mike's
attention to Dreary has got to her. Where did it all go wrong?,
she wails, and Gail comforts her.
In the prison hospital, Dreary seems to have a ward
to herself. BBW Veitch comes in to see Dreary, perhaps she does
have a heart after all. Dreary is lying, eyes wide, unseeing.
The nurse, behind the glass, shakes her head to discourage BBW
from going any closer - she turns and walks away.
Mike arrives home to find an empty flat. Empty except
for a hand-written note propped up against the fruit bowl. He
reads it and crumples it up.
Cue Closing Credits
Episode written by Jan McVerry
Dewey
Wednesday 8 April
I must be mad. A Corrie ignoramus like myself doing
an update for all you devoted fans! I'll try not to let you down,
despite sitting here coughing like mad, and glad that my PC doesn't
have voice recognition, because I'm croaking like a frog. Lovely
weather here in Scotland, by the way (!).
So who the heck am I? ? I'm on the biog. section of
the #coro_street
homepage believe it or not, and people seem to know me, and where
I come from. I guess I've always watched the show on and off,
but rarely long enough to know the storylines and follow them?..
I started to watch very seriously around the end of
January and got pulled into it I guess.
Despite my favourite character's departure from the
show last week, I would appear to still be watching. Marketing
works, punters??
So to work??? (I'll try to get the nicknames right...)
We open on Mike, sitting in the lounge in a lovely
towelling robe, co-ordinating perfectly with the furniture. He
sips his coffee and, modelling another "Hair by Fee"
creation, reads again the note Alma has left him before she up
and left. He's not an 'appy lad. Inner turmoil races through what
is left of his brain.
At the Battersbys', Toyah is musing on the 15-year-old
love obsession Mike must have with Deirdre whilst watching GMTV
or some such drivel. Les doesn't really give a hoot; he's staring
at this picture Greg gave him of his mother and the early Les.
He's also miffed at Janice's continuing vacation at her mother's.
Toyah just can't get over it; what did they see in each other??
(Mike and Deirdre that is!). She grabs the photo Les is gazing
at and refers to his ex-girlfriend as having "a face like
a bust shoe". Les, king of tact, says he should have made
an honest woman of her. Toyah ain't impressed with that! What's
her mum going to say when she comes back and finds out about his
fancy woman and his precious son? Les is bemused. Toyah spits
"Pig" at him and stomps off.
Emily's got a visitor. Ken is round to talk tactics
on how to raise the public consciousness about Deirdre's innocence!
He doesn't know what more to do, really. Spider suggests a noisy
demo outside the law courts, but Ken thinks that will achieve
little. Emily is all for it; she could collect many more signatures
for her petition. Spider says he could get some of his mates involved
as the colour drains from Ken's face. He thinks a well-organised
letter-writing campaign will do the trick! Spider scoffs. "They
put letters in drawers and ignore them. They can't ignore US!".
Ken disagrees and leaves. Emily and Spider know he's wrong. Mike
leaves Underworld after opening up and bumps into Angie, who confronts
him about the call to Jason Griffin, and his attempt to get 10,000
quid from him. He doesn't want to talk about it right now. Angie
flaming does! Mike lowers his voice and tells her that Alma's
left him.
Spider sees Toyah and tells her he's organising a demo
outside the law courts that afternoon, but that she's probably
in school, yeah? As usual for Toyah, that is optional, so Spider
asks her to bring some of her mates with her. Emily rounds the
corner and joins Spider so Toyah changes the conversation. She's
still obsessed with Mike and Deirdre's affair! Spider cracks up
whilst Emily looks on disapprovingly.
Still no sign of Roy in the cafe (must be upstairs,
musing on chances missed, love lost etc.etc?. patience Roy!) Zoe
is sitting at a table with Shannon and gets up and leaves as soon
as Judeh comes in. Judeh tells Gail that she's sure that Katy
is looking underweight. To prevent a similar fate befalling herself,
she orders a bacon buttie. Gail's nose wrinkles as Mike enters,
looking for Alma. Gail tells him she's staying with her. He tries
to find out what mood she's in, but Gail's having none of it.
He leaves, embarrassed. Judeh's curious and wants to know the
goss. Gail just says he deserves everything he gets. Judeh thinks
he's not the only one.
Les's bouncing baby boy turns up at the house to Les's
delight. He's called Greg urgently to tell him?? that he's found
some more photos of his mum! Greg sighs. Poor soul.
Mike's gone to Gail's house (why does he need a car
to drive to the cafe and back??); but there"s no-one in.
At the Rovers, Les is dredging up memories of lost
love with Greg, who is clearly fed up. Spider and Emily arrive.
They've just had a heap of flyers printed and photocopied with
"Free Deirdre Rachid" on the front. Emily busies herself
getting signatures for her petition (isn't she fab!), whilst Spider
shouts to everyone about the demo. Ken is impressed with the flyers
until he reads the reverse of them. Basically it's all down in
black in white what Jon did to Deirdre. Ken is aghast! It's slander!
"It's the truth" says Spider. Emily accuses Ken of being
a coward, but he says he's just being reasonable. Emily's sticking
to her guns and tells him he's welcome to come to the demo. Vera
joins them. She needs the fresh air! "It"s not that
I'm afraid of standing in the rain" bleats Ken as they leave,
bumping in Mike, who is still on his quest for Alma. They cross
the Street debating on the pros and cons of direct action and
head for the law courts.
Mike"s given up. He can't find Alma and so returns
to the factory. Angie is waiting to continue her interrogation
about Mike attempted fast-one-pulling exercise with Jason. He's
still not wanting to talk about it. Angie's livid. He could have
lost her the job! Mike gives up and apologises. Not quick enough
mate! Angie rants on about how Mike has been financing his "bit
on the side" and being obsessed with her. Mike apologises
again and admits, with an odd look on his face, that he's been
stupid. Run Angie!
Zoe is now moaning to Ashley on how the baby is such
a burden to her and how her life isn't her own any more, whilst
he, loading the van, tries to reason with her. She's not listening.
Judeh is though. She's conveniently overheard the whole conversation,
disapprovingly.
AD BREAK
Les is still commandeering Greg's attention at the
Rovers. He invites Greg over for tea the next day, and he reluctantly
accepts. One more thing?can he have a sub! He's spent the housekeeping
at the pub! Greg hands over 30 quid. Les wants Greg to call him
"Dad" now, but Greg isn't ready for that yet (at all!).
Zoe gets a visitor. Judeh has come with an offer. Zoe
waffles on about how Ashley doesn't help with Katy (!), but admits
eventually that he's good with her. She feels trapped and helpless,
having to look after the baby all the time. Judeh has a plan.
Why doesn't Zoe allow Gareh and Judeh to look after the baby at
their house, and allow Zoe as much time with her as she want,
no strings attached. Zoe says she'll think about it.
The demo is in full spate at the law courts (all 9
of them). Ken, wearing his ex-teacher's head reprimands Toyah
that she should be at school. Toyah retorts that it's a free period.
K: There's no such thing as a free period
T: Teachers always say that, unless they've got one themselves,
and then they just sit in the staff room drinking coffee and
having SEX!
K: <speechless>
Vera finds Emily's polite requests for signatures unbearable
so grabs the clipboard and uses her mouth to scare passers-by
into signing - an easy task.
Toyah asks Ken if he believes Deirdre's innocent. Ken
wonders why she's at the demo if she has to ask! In reply, Toyah
asks if it's true that Mike and her had an affair whilst Ken was
married to her!... Ken wears the face of man with no hole to fall
into.
At the shop, Ashley is trying to persuade an already-convinced
Zoe that letting Judeh look after the baby isn't big, isn't clever
and will all end in tears! Zoe's desperate and thinks it's a great
idea. Ashley is disgusted at how she can pull her baby from pillar
to post and makes Zoe feel like a right old slapper. He tells
her it's her decision. It's her baby.
The demonstrators return, having achieved little. The
majority found it a little futile, but Emily is mildly happy with
their efforts, having got 70 more signatures! She will be back
the next day.. alone if necessary.
Leanne is stirring the cauldron of discontent as she
tries to persuade Zoe to go for a girls' night out uptown. "Get
a babysitter" she says. Zoe muses whilst obliviously blowing
smoke at the baby (!). It'll all end in tears, Mrs Robinson.
Next scene, she's at the Mallets' door, with the baby.
Gareh doesn't know what's going on! Judeh explains her idea to
him but he isn't impressed. Tonight just for baby-sitting, says
Zoe; a trial run. Judeh is pleased, but Gareh goes to the pub,
disgusted.
Mike tracks Alma down to the Rovers, where she is sitting
alone with her thoughts after a day shopping uptown with Audreh.
He says he's been worried sick and tries to get her to go home
with him. He says he's sorry and won't get involved any more.
No visits, nothing! Alma is unimpressed. As Mike's face goes from
smug smile to worried grimace, she tells him she figured something
out. He never stopped to imagine for a minute that she'd be found
guilty, did he? She tells him she thinks he saw pictures in his
head of champagne at the bar, happy cheers, and Deirdre ever so
grateful to her legal financier; a man who had laid down everything
for her! Mike shifts uneasily. She continues; not that he'd done
it consciously of course. He wasn't devious enough to do it cleverly
and hide his tracks this time around. Somewhere, in the back of
his tiny subconscious, he thought he"d get something out
of it! Mike's bum is drilling a hole in the Rovers pew cushions!
"Well I've finished with you, you understand that, don't
you!" says Alma as she gulps her drink, and leaves the pub
leaving a shell-shocked Mike alone to consider her words.
END
So there you have it.
Nice to be here and all that, I"m doing this again
next Wednesday so see you then.
Warmth and things, Annie
Friday 10 April
Happy Easter everybody!
When I was a teenager in the 60s, a feature of Sundays
was listening to Alistair Cooke's "Letter from America"
in which the distinguished journalist and writer would talk about
matters both everyday and of political importance - a sort of
life overview. On this Sunday morning, I cannot help but reflect
on an off-topic item which has dominated our headlines over the
last week - and been the subject of a couple of posts from our
colleagues in North America - I refer, of course, to the Peace
Agreement in Ireland.
Most of us go through our lives, untouched directly,
by events such as those which have dominated in Ireland for some
time. My earliest real memories of "The Troubles" go
back to student days in the late 60s, when the issue sprang to
the fore in a way which had not been seen for a number of generations.
Apart from seeing the regular news footage, I cannot pretend
that I have been personally affected in any great way since -
for me, until the bombing of Manchester City Centre a few years
ago, it was something which happened elsewhere and affected other
people. I had been in the centre a few days earlier on a training
course and it was mind-numbing going back after the bomb to see
the devastation caused to the buildings. Of course, what could
not be seen, but could be imagined very vividly was the impact
the bomb had on people's lives - although no-one died, people
were affected, in some cases permanently, due to psychological
damage, businesses bankrupted, etc. It brought to real-life,
the horror which people face in Northern Ireland on a daily basis
- the same horror my parents must have faced, having to leave
their place of birth as a result of World War 2 and having their
lives permanently and irreparably scarred. So, on this Easter
Sunday, I think of the people of Ireland and hope that peace
will win the battle over the men and women of war. I think also
of others elsewhere, whose lives are blighted by conflict.
Nowadays, Britain is a multicultural and multiracial
society and this week has marked the Islamic festival of Eid
- my wife teaches in two schools in Hyde, near Manchester and
provides language support to Bangladeshi children in those schools.
Although the school term ended just over a week ago, last week,
she visited a number of families over Eid and was welcomed very
warmly into their homes. I joined her yesterday morning when
she visited the family of a girl whom she taught 6 years ago.
This girl, who is now aged 16, was delighted to hear that Trudy
was back teaching in Hyde after 5 years in another area - she
was overjoyed to see Trudy after all this time and to swap notes
on what both had done since. I was very conscious of the fact
that, although Eid is a major Islamic festival, I do not recall
any mention of it by the media this week, a week when the press
are still providing mass coverage of the Deirdre and Jon saga!
I am also mindful that, despite the significant presence of ethnic
minorities in the country, my favourite programme, Coronation
Street, currently only has one black actress on its payroll.
I know it's only a soap, but in my mind, credibility means reflecting
the events of the world out there, so that we can relate to it.
We have some way to go yet!
So, Sunday morning again and here I am ready to type
up last Friday's episode - a cold weekend which has brought snow
and widespread flooding back to the country. Brrr! On the topic
of cold weather, I remember a story told by my wife of a young
Bangladeshi boy, with limited English, coming in from outdoors
and saying to her "Oooh, it's f*cking cold outside, Miss"!
Not really believing that she'd heard him correctly, she asked
him to repeat what he'd just said. Innocently, he says "It's
f*cking cold outside, Miss!" to which my wife had great
difficulty stopping her laughter replied "Yes, I suppose
it is"! What else can you say? There ain't nothing like
the innocent humour of youngsters!
I have had cause to be thankful to fellow Update writers
this week, as I found that last Sunday's episode which I entrusted
to my son to record while we were away, did not get recorded,
much to my annoyance, due to a cock-up on his part. Thanks to
Mike P for the Visual updates pages and Jon for the Sunday Update,
continuity was maintained at the Mee-Leff-Chick family!
Thanks also, to the people who have sent me appreciative
e-mails commenting on my updates - when I joined the team, I
was told that these were one of the enjoyable by-products of
doing the job and, having had first hand experience, I am able
to concur. I am developing some really nice friendships with
the folk out there in CS land - once again, many thanks.
As a matter of interest, the pattern of Update activity
at this end is that I record the show on Friday night, spend
a couple of hours going through the video tape on Saturday morning,
making notes and transcripts of the scenes, where appropriate,
and duly type up the update on Sunday, probably another 3 or
4 hours or so. To simplify the Saturday part of the job, when
I get some spare cash together I would like to get some voice
recognition software - the plan would be to play the show back
through the sound equipment and get the scripts transcribed automatically
and then edit/amend around them - with a bit of luck, this would
probably save 2 or 3 hours work. Does anyone out there have experience
of this sort of application and can anyone verify its effectiveness
in this sort of situation?
Onwards and upwards - Friday's episode was brought
to you by Cadbury's Creme Egg.
Part 1 commences with Judy Mallett and Kateh/Shannon
playing on Gareh's drum set - J has been baby sitting overnight
for Zoe, who went out on the razzle. Gary joins the scene - he
asks J how long she's been up, her reply of a couple of hours
does not convince him - he thinks she hasn't been to sleep all
night. She, of course, denies this. Gary offers to take the baby
back to Zoe - Judy rightly recognises that he fears she'll make
a scene on the handover, but she says she is only the baby sitter
and happy to do the job. She refers to the baby as Shannon, which
is a point noticed by Gary - her responses is that Zoe is the
mother and that's what she wants to call the baby. Why do we think
that it's all going to end in tears?
Nick and Leanne are at Ashley's discussing Zoe over
their breakfast. Leanne wonders why Zoe is the only one who has
a lie-in around here? Nick's answer is that she's the only one
who doesn't have a job or doesn't need to go to college. Ashley,
the loyal puppy, defends Zoe, "Now to be fair, she does have
to get up every morning with Shannon" to which Leanne says
"I thought she left that to you!" meow! "Yeah....
Sometimes" is Ashley's defensive response, "but she
still wakes her! Anyway, I'll get the shop open". He asks
the newlyweds to let Zoe have a lie in. Leanne comments to Nick,
how pleasant it is without the baby shouting and screaming and
wonders whether the Malletts can be persuaded to have her more
often. As Nick gets up to leave for college, Leanne reminds him
it's the "Happy Family Reunion" chez Battersby tonight
as her dad wants to show off Greg and show that they are all one
big happy family.
At Villa Battersby, Les is in his dressing gown, on
the phone to Janice, telling her about tonight's party. "There's
going to be me, our Toyah, Nick, Leanne and someone else who's
a surprise..... well, you'll find out tonight, won't you? You've
got to come home, we need someone to make our tea. I'll see you
tonight" and slams the phone down. "That were rotten,
that" says arr Toyota, "she's trying to look after gran".
But Les says that he needs her and wants her to meet Greg. "I
know what I'd say if any man spoke to me like that" continues
arr T, to which Les replies "I'm not any man - I'm her husband.
You've got a lot to learn about human relationships, you have!"
(Yes, welcome to the Les Battersby Enlightened School of Husbandry
- keep 'em barefoot and pregnant!) Toyota suggests that he ring
her back and tell her to stay, but Les asks what are they going
to do, "sit around a chair with a packet of crisps"?
Toyota comes up with an alternative - bringing some food in from
the Caff, but when she confirms that he will have to pay for it,
Les is indignant "Toyah, I'm a married man -married men don't
pay to have their tea put in front of them"!
Emily and Ken are in T'Caff - Ken is concerned whether
their actions are actually achieving anything for Deirdre, other
than making them feel they are busy doing something. Emily feels
that it lets D know they care but Ken is frustrated at having
to explain to people why they should fight to "Free Deirdre
Rachid" and that she's doing 18 months for credit card fraud.
"They look at you as if you're barmy and throw the leaflet
in the bin" he concludes. Yes Ken, welcome to the world of
NIMBY!
Alma Baldwin comes into T'Caff - Gail is surprised
she's up, but Lama the Misprint says she should have been wakened,
as she has bigger things on her mind, like whether to go back
to her husband, not sleeping in"! She sees Ken and Ste. Emilion
and comments "You can't get away from it, can you? Everywhere
you look there are folk trying to save Deirdre! .... Like she
was an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, which, in my opinion,
she hasn't been for a long while." Gail says that "at
least seeing them, must make you realise it's not just Mike"
but Lama retorts "It's just Mike who's paying for it"!
Judy is handing over Shannon to Zoe - they are both
chatty and in "how was it for you" moods. Judy is pleased
that Zoe had a good time on her night out, "You should be
out at your age, not stuck inside all the time." Zoe replies
that mostly she doesn't mind, but "it's just nice to have
the odd night off". Judy offers to baby sit whenever Zoe
needs her.
In The Rovers, Frizzie Lizzie, Sally, Mike and Angie
are having a drink. Angie is explaining to Sally that she's leaving
- she will be able to work for other firms as well as for Underworld,
but she still hopes to be around. Mike points out that the new
arrangement has two sides and it leaves him free to hire whichever
designer he wants. Sally says that the girls would like to buy
Angie a leaving drink after work, Liz suggest that Mike might
want to pay, but Mike disagrees! Angie hopes that Mike will join
her for the drinks party "the partnership has not been all
that bad, considering we've never agreed on anything and ignoring
you trying to cheat me out of ten grand, I think we've done pretty
well, haven't we"?
Ken and Ste. Emilion are in the pub - Ken wants to
talk to Mike about the campaign - he feels it's not really getting
anywhere and that they are thinking of changing tactics. "Anything's
better than standing outside the Law Courts handing out leaflets
to people who can't be bothered to read them." "I see
you're telling me you're feeling sorry for yourself", replies
Mike, "Never mind about Deirdre, you're telling me what a
terrible time you've had... I seem to be the only one round here
doing anything that matters, like coming up with the money to
pay the solicitor and barrister who are the only people who can
actually get Deirdre out of there"!
Vera tells Ken and Ste. Emilion that the popular feeling
with a lot of people is that D brought a lot of it on herself.
Ken says that is not what he'll be saying when he sees her in
the afternoon. Mike offers to repay his bus fare, if he gets a
receipt (yeaouch!!). Mike's mobile phone rings - it's Lama - she's
at the flat and wants to talk about their marriage. Mike agrees
to come over.
Zoe is telling Ashley how well she got on with Judy
and the offer to baby sit in the future. Ashley wonders whether
the Malletts should have been paid for the baby-sitting, but Zoe
maintains that Judy would have been insulted if she had been offered
money. The doorbell rings and it's Gary come to tell them that
Judy was upset by the previous night's baby-sitting and having
to hand Shannon back. Zoe is not convinced, but Gary is suggesting
they get someone else to do the baby-sitting next time around.
. Zoe asks whether Judy knows Gary is telling her this - Gary
confirms that she doesn't and says he wants to keep it that way.
After he leaves, Zoe says that Judy was calm about the whole thing,
but Ashley points out that we don't know how Judy feels as "folk
don't always show what they're feeling, do they?"
Mike is back at the flat to face Lama. He apologises
for not telling her that he paid for D's defence, but he can hardly
be continuing with the affair while she's locked up. She asks
whether he is still funding her defence but his reply is that
she should not worry about it. When she says she does, he tells
her that there are things he could mind - for example, her mouthing
off in front of his staff about him and Deirdre, about something
that was confidential told to her in the privacy of their marriage.
When Lama points out that he didn't actually tell her, he maintains
that she is splitting hairs and that he is embarrassed at history
being dug up. He's glad D's in prison, because at least she doesn't
have to face people like he does! Lama is exasperated and asks
Mike whether he does want her to come back. When he agrees she
says that she will, on condition that he doesn't fund any more
of her defence costs - she must find someone else. When Mike asks
what will happens if there is other money, is he supposed to leave
her in prison, Lama says "Yes" and goes on to point
out that she can just about accept that the past funding is for
old times sake, but she'll have to consider that there's still
something going on, if the funding continues.
On this note we reach the End of part 1
As the advertising industry chose to ignore my previous
treatise on "Humour and 60s/70s Music is Successful Advertising",
nothing worth reporting and it's swiftly onto...
Part 2 D is doing her shake'n'vac routine in
the County Nick - Warder Veitch reminds her that she has an appointment
with Mr Jennings. D says that she hasn't forgotten, it's just
that she doesn't know what it's for. WV (not VW) says that it's
so she can be examined to make sure she's all right, to which
D replies "All right mentally you mean, 'cos he's a psychiatrist
isn't he? One of the others told me. I'm not mad, I'm just innocent!
Or is that the same thing in this place?" On that note she
troops out to see the shrink.
Judy pops into to see Zoe and hand back some clothes
left behind earlier. Zoe tells her about Gary's earlier visit.
Judy denies that she was upset by the baby-sitting and Zoe comments
that she thought it unusual.
Greg arrives Chez Battersby for "The Happy Families
Bash" with a bottle of whisky for Les and flowers for Janice
- he's obviously not met the woman yet, as a lorry load of quick-setting
cement to fill her facial orifice might have been more appropriate,
but never mind! Les takes the whisky with gratitude and dumps
the flowers on the table on top of Toyota's homework - he asks
her to look after them, suggesting the sink as a suitable repository.
He cracks open the bottle to give them an appetite before they
have their tea - he asks whether Greg had told his mother about
finding Les and what her reaction was. He is flattered when Greg
tells him she was interested. He then scoops up Toyota's homework
and tells her to go upstairs as they will be wanting their tea
soon - in the meantime they want to have a drink and don't want
disturbing by folk doing their homework! He proposes a toast with
Greg "to family" as the camera pans to Toyota looking
upset - presumably a part of the family not included in the toast.
Mike is propping up the bar at The Rovers - Curly comes
in and sees the factory girls all having a drink. Mike tells him
that they are sending off Angie, who is leaving. Angie confirms
the news. The group are in lively spirits as Sally adds that it's
because Angie can't stand working for Baldwin - she asks Curly
how things are between Alma and Mike at which point, an embarrassed
Curly tells her in a non-committal way that she hasn't been in
for a day or two.
Ken is at the Big Highse visiting Deirdre, who tells
him she's seen the psychiatrist "So it's official - I really
am crazy" - this brings to mind one of my favourite quotes
from my favourite loony, Spike Milligan, who once said after being
discharged from a mental hospital after one of his numerous mental
breakdowns "I'm sane - and I have a piece of paper to prove
it" - presumably D is not at that stage yet. Ken tries to
reassure her that it's probably routine, to which D replies "yeah,
for them they think are crazy". Ken tries to distract her
by updating her on the leafleting campaign but D continues that
the psychiatrist's assessment is that she is "refusing to
face up to reality". Again, Ken tries to reassure her, by
saying that the shrink is paid to say things like that, but then
points out that the reality is she may not be released for weeks
or months to come - she will have to wait for the appeal. D is
getting more and more despondent - she recognises that she might
not even get an appeal. Ken, ever the diplomat agrees that this
is another reality which might have to be faced. At this point,
with Ken's considerable communications skills well and truly honed,
we begin to appreciate why Babs Fanshawe popped her clogs and
departed the mortal coil - with people like him around, death
has got to be the better prospect. D says "Thanks Ken, you
know, between you and my psychiatrist, I don't know who's cheered
me up the most!"
Les and Greg are continuing their soiree with drinkie-poos
in hand! "I don't know what she thinks she's doing"
he's telling Greg, referring to Janice. "Looking after my
gran" replies arr Toyota. Les continues "I rung, I rung
and told her you were coming. Except I didn't say who you was.
That was going to be a sort of a surprise. Only I spelled it out,
she had to be here to make our tea!" Nick and Leanne are
looking on and Leanne offers that "Maybe she's gone for a
drink?" Les "You what?" Leanne "At The Rovers"
Les "And why would she want to do that?" Leanne "Well,
some of her mates were in the Kabin earlier on, talking about
Angie leaving and how they're going to give her a bit of a do"
Les "You mean she's in there getting plastered while we're
all stuck in here?" Leanne "No, I'm just saying that
she might be" Toyota "She might be looking after me
gran" Nick tactfully tries to change the topic of conversation
and asks Greg how business is going - Greg says it's very good.
Leanne says it must be interesting "fashion and all that",
but Greg says that the trouble is you get partners who keep letting
you down - (you wonder at this stage whether he's going to be
stepping into Angie's shoes) "Don't tell me", says Les,
"where is the woman? WE want our tea"!
Gareh and Judeh are having their tea - Judeh tells
him that she's found out about his visit to Zoe earlier on. She
tells him that she's over all the previous upset over the baby
and says that she thinks she's convinced Zoe it was all a breakdown
in communication, that she's happy to look after the babeh any
time, so no harm has been done. Gareh doesn't look impressed -
would you be?
Les comes into the pub to ask the girls whether they've
seen Janice - they tell him that she's not been in all week. Les
"Well I know that. If you do see her, will you tell her to
get herself home, only we're all stuck there waiting for our tea".
The girls howl in disbelief. Angie "Don't you know where
your own kitchen is, then?" Les "yes love, I know where
the kitchen is, but what I don't know is why my wife's not in
it!" Liz "She's one of the fixtures and fittings, is
she?" Sally "She's not allowed out, Les without your
permission, or what?" Les "She's allowed out when she's
done her job and that's putting my tea on the table" Liz
"A slave, more like the sound of it..." Angie "And
how much do you pay her for this job?" Les "I don't
have to pay her - I told you, she's my wife!" Sally "Does
she get any holidays or what?" Someone else asks how much
time off she gets - Les has now had enough of this "You know,
you're barmy, you lot!" Sally "Yes, we must be, Les,
to put up with men like you" Angie "If we do see Janice,
we'll tell her the best thing she can do is to let you starve
- you and every other pathetic man who can't find his own kitchen!"
Les "This is drink, this is! That's what this is, drink!"
You should be ashamed of yourselves!"
Ken and Ste. Emilion come in - Ken is telling her that
Deirdre is very depressed and in desperate need of some good news.
At which point, St Michael comes over to tell her that he won't
be funding any future legal costs - someone else will have to
pay for that. Ken tells him that this couldn't happen at a worse
time and appeals to Mike to reconsider "it's the last thing
she needs, she's very close to complete breakdown as it is"
he tells him. Mike tells them he's sorry but he just cannot help,
not anymore! Ken and Ste. Emilion's faces turn to despair.
Les has come back home. " No sign of them, just
a bunch of frustrated women, mouthing off. I'm right sorry about
this, Greg. I don't know what you must think of us!" Greg
tells him not to worry, but Les continues "we have tea on
the table, six o'clock sharp, don't we?" Toyota "Only
if me mam's here!" Nick and Leanne make their excuses and
leave Toyota "Well, I'm going to make myself something"
Les "This is terrible, Greg. I feel really shown up and what's
your mam going to think of us when you've told her how we've treated
you!" Greg suggests they might get some fish and chips locally.
Les' eyes light up "Good thinking, who needs women when there's
a chippy open!" (to Toyota) "here, lend us a fiver until
your mum gets back!" At this stage, Greg digs into his wallet
once more and gives Les some money.
Mike comes home to Lama - he's afraid to mention Deirdre,
but he's going to anyway. He tells Lama, he saw Ken in the pub
and D is in a very bad way. Lama replies that she hopes she's
not being blamed for this, to which Mike replies "Not entirely,
but you haven't helped, have you?" Lama has had enough as
well "well, I didn't tell her to go out and use forged credit
cards and I certainly didn't get her sent to prison!" Mike
"No, but you're the one who's making sure there isn't going
to be an appeal. You may not be the one who sent her to prison
but you can't deny that you're not the one that makes sure that
she stays there!"
Liz and Sally are coming out of the pub and bump into
Les on his way out to the chippy. Liz asks him whether he's found
anyone to make his tea yet. Sally adds "A woman, whose job
it is?" Les retorts "I don't need a woman, darling"
(waving his money), "not when there's a chippy open!"
At that point a tax draws up outside Ken Barlow's house
- a woman gets out and knocks on Ken's door. The credits tell
us she's Mary Docherty. "Mr Barlow?", she asks, "You're
to do with this campaign about that woman that's been sent to
jail?" Ken confirms her questions. She continues "Only,
I used to know the man she's involved with." Ken "Really"
MD "Jon Lindsay?"
Cue music and credits
Episode written by Peter Whalley
Copyright of above scripts remains with ITV Television.
Well, as I see it, not an awful lot of action this
week, but some classic dialogue from Les "New Age Man"
Battersby. He is very definitely taking over in the mould of
Jack Duckworth and Stan Ogden - skiving, lazy, bone-idle, good
for nothing, but with funnier lines! The ironic indignation at
his wife not being there to cook his dinner was one of the funniest
scenes I have seen for a long time, with some absolutely priceless
chauvinist dialogue. He and Toyota have both had some lovely
lines to work with in recent weeks and both show great potential
for the future - they might be the neighbours from hell, but
you can't help laughing (as long as you don't have to live next
to them).
On a closing note, this coming Saturday (18th April),
BBC2 TV celebrate the 80th Birthday of my favourite loony, Spike
Milligan - his surreal humour has been a major influence on comedy
over the last 40 years - do watch it and also look out for Father
Ted on Channel 4 on Fridays at 21:00.
Well that's it for now - see you next week!
Bye...........
Regards, Alan
Sunday 12 April
Happy Easter everyone. This update is a tad late because
I don't have net access at home (tight-wad) and (ab)use the facilities
at work instead. Easter Monday was, as usual, a public holiday
and typically, some pesky work got in the way yesterday. So here
we are, Wednesday, and just about recovered from the weekend.
Here in Good Old Blighty, we are gripped as ever by
the weather. Spring burst out of the starting blocks ages before
the starter's gun this year, and has faltered at an early hurdle,
allowing Winter to nose ahead once more. (Summer is still in
the changing rooms wondering whether the yellow shorts or the
blue ones make her bum look big.) As a result, some parts of
the country had an entire season's worth of rain in one night,
while snow has been falling, gently and not so gently, over much
of the rest of us, when the sun hasn't been valiantly struggling
against the distinctly chilly air temperatures. On Monday, I
was finally browbeaten into cutting the lawn, and just as I locked
the shed door after a sweaty hour or so pushing a recalcitrant
mower through the knee-high grass in my shirt sleeves, it started
to sleet. Weird.
I expect those readers who live in the middle of large
continental land masses may well be bored stiff with the British
obsession with the weather. The problem is, we get so much of
the stuff. We don't tune into the 24-hr weather channel to find
out whether the next 3 weeks are going to vary more than 2% from
the seasonal norm, instead we get about 2 forecasts a day from
the Met Office which still persists in the belief that a reliable
forecast is a military secret (they used to operate under the
umbrella of the Ministry of Defence), and only needs to really
concentrate on the lower right-hand corner of the country where
the people that matter live. "Over the rest of the country,
it'll be a miserable grey day with above-average rainfall and
don't forget your gloves and scarf when you go out." Guessing
the temperature to within two layers of clothing can make you
rich here !!
Normally, I won't be budged from the comfort of my
own humble abode over Easter, as it is traditionally open season
on the highways. (If we had the right to keep and bear arms,
the population of the UK would be very small by now.) This year,
with two family birthdays arriving at the same time, more or
less, as the holiday weekend, we headed south to spend the break
with the rest of my family, long since left Scotland for the
sunnier climes of the south coast of England. (What, why not
the in-laws ? Are you mad...) Newly retired and liberated from
the shackles of 9-5 slavery, my folks are now positively brimming
with energy and philanthropy - Pater took me shopping on Saturday
and insisted on buying me a new set of golf clubs to replace
the ones I bought with my paper round money back in 1974, spending
more in the process than he has ever splashed out on any birthday
or Xmas pressy in my entire life. Humbled, I was. Tune in next
April and see me at Augusta with Tiger Woods and the rest. Maybe...
Just to round off, today *is* my Dad's birthday, and
also my daughter's. Happy Birthday, folks, although I know you
won't be listening in (bit like all the loons on telly with the
"Hello Mum" banners at sports grounds, yeah like Mum
really enjoys a good game of rugby !). My sympathy goes out to
other parents out there with daughters of 7, going on 17, who
rule the house, pout, shout, can't leave the house without make-up,
wouldn't be seen dead in the company of older brother, but whose
favourite birthday present is a La-la doll ! Boys are much simpler
- they just grow up into, well, big boys. Isn't that just easier
all round ? As long as they promise not to start a war with that
nasty foreign boy with the odd hair.
And without further ado, let's get Sunday's episode
rolling. Everyone comfy in their seats ? Then I'll begin:
Act 1
We open with Ken listening to his visitor, Mary Docherty, who
reveals that she knew Mr Tie Rat as James Anderson some four years
previously. Seeing the article about Deirdre in the papers, she
knew she had to come and help. It dawns on Ken that what she telling
him is that the swine, Jon/James that is, had conned her as well.
He is almost speechless when she shows him their marriage certificate
and a photo of Capn Whitewash in the famous pilot's uniform, adding
that he had perpetrated credit card fraud with her too, before
scarpering and leaving her with 17 thousand pounds of debt to
pay. Better still, the Luton police have plenty of evidence of
his guilt and would be delighted to find him. [We presume from
this that he was not so clever earlier and that Mary had not suffered
the same fate as Deirdre in the courts. The lack of interaction
between the two police authorities is in fact, fairly accurate
here - for somewhat minor crimes like this, there would be no
automatic cross-referencing by either side.]
[Oh look, I might as well get the crowing over here
and now. Isn't this exactly what I predicted when Deirdre was
banged up but the rumours suggested that it would not be for long
? I just couldn't see Jon's dopey wife having any sort of change
of heart having clearly forgiven him for letting himself be bullied
into living with another woman for so many months.]
Meanwhile, in a couple of short scenes, we see Deirdre
going totally doolally in the prison, and having a sedative forcibly
administered. [It's a shame that the scriptwriters couldn't have
left her with some semblance of strength or sanity, after all,
don't lots of women say that being a housewife and mother is just
like being in prison, so it ought to be second nature ? Oops,
I've just realised my flame-proof suit is still at the menders.]
Over at the Battersby residence, Les is having a drink
with Greg. [Yes, suspend your disbelief at Buggerallmoney being
in possession of endless cans of lager, much as Zoe no-two-pennies-to-rub-together
has a bottomless purse of fag money.] Once again, the odd couple
are reminiscing about Greg's mother and Les' lost love. Greg twists
the knife further in the wound as he tells Les that Moira is an
excellent cook [Les' calorific intake in Janice's absence is by
now limited to beer and the contents of his nostrils] and has
been left in a financially healthy position by her late husband.
Poor Janice. No hang on, let's ponder a moment on Janice's likely
reaction. Poor Les ! During all this, Toyah arrives, produces
her standard vitriol about her stepdad's real motives being money,
money, and err, money, and leaves again.
At the Baldwins' bijou apartment, Mike has had a phone
call from Ken, who is coming over with some important news. Alma
is sighing as only Alma can. The doorbell goes, and Ken and Mary
enter. Ken introduces her as "Jon Lindsay's other wife"
! Mike's face is a treat.
Over at the Rovers, Vera is giving Jack a hard time
about his supposedly bad leg. Battersby senior is telling Battersby
junior how laid back and youthful he is. In return, Greg shows
his father a picture of his mother at the family villa in Majorca.
Les' opportunistic receptors are in over- drive. Just then, the
Addams family and their frizzy friend arrive, and Maxine and Greg
clock one another. Whoever said "opposites attract"
?! Pah ! These two look like clones.
At Ashley's house, Zoe and Leanne are discussing Greg,
to Nicky's disgust. [Yep, Leanne is definitely a bit *too* struck
on her half brother although I would bet my shirt on absolutely
nothing coming of it in CS.] Wonder of wonders, Zoe is actually
holding Shannon, and not smoking. Obviously, Giro day is tomorrow.
The doorbell rings - it's that mad woman Judeh with some pressies
for Kat^h^h^hShannon. Zoe offers to let Judy stay with the baby
while she has a bath. Leanne makes a bitchy remark about the likely
state of the tub afterwards.
In the Rovers, Greg offers to buy Maxine's round, and
introduces himself. There is a soft twanging noise in the background
which is her underwear spontaneously self-destructing. Les tries
to warn Greg by telling him that "that one just uses men
for what she can get". This has quite the opposite to the
desired effect. Mmm, yes, I think I can just about remember those
hormonally fuelled days too ! Les meanwhile indicates that he
would like to meet Moira again. His hormones are still far from
lifeless as well. Fiona and Maxine are discussing Greg's looks.
After about 10 seconds, Maxine decides she's going for another
flypast, probably hoping for a glimpse of Greg's undercarriage,
leaving Steve and Fiona to have a deep and meaningful conversation
about how Steve must be missing his bachelor days, no, quite the
opposite he loves their evenings together, just him, Fiona, the
puke^h^h^h^sorry the baby, Aston Martin or whatever his name is.
Steve is clearly in *lurve*. My stomach is rebelling at this.
Back at Mike and Alma's, Deirdre's solicitor, Frankie,
is talking to Mary. Alma is *still* mad - why aren't they down
the police station instead of involving the Baldwins again ? Frankie
is very optimistic - she thinks this new evidence should definitely
get Deirdre released, and soon. [This solicitor is somewhat unconvincing
- professionally, legal people emote like Charles Bronson.]
Intermission
It's curious. Coronation Street is *the* most popular
show on commercial television here, which almost certainly means
that the advertising rates for the break are at their peak. And
what do we get - ads for flea treatments !! Plus, in one of those
now-how-did-that-happen coincidences, an ad for New Zealand Lamb
is preceded by one for minced Linda McCartney. Alright, Linda
McCartney mince. 100% tas^h^h^hmeat-free, apparently. Alan Mealticket's
pleas for some more Motown soundtracks are falling on deaf ears.
Course laid in for the final quadrant. Engage !
Act 2
Judy has put baby Shannon to bed, and Zoe returns perhaps a tad
cleaner to tell her that she is quite happy for Judy to buy whatever
she likes for Shannon, as "I've no money [after the 20 quid
a week I spend on fags]". Leanne has a rant about the noise
the baby makes, especially at night, and suggests that Judy should
take it away more permanently. Zoe retorts that you're not supposed
to go in to see a baby every time it cries [a few brownie points
there from us, who suffered almost two *years* of broken nights
with the first-born through a mix of over-protectiveness and naivety].
In the Rovers, Les is much the worse for wear. He is
trying to convince Greg that if only he'd had the breaks [and
half a million quid, some common sense and better looks] then
the Battersby Empire would have been built, no problem. In fact,
he would have retired to his villa in Majorca by now. Greg is
obviously bored of this, and says he is leaving. Les tries to
glue himself to his son, but Greg manages to give him the slip
by shoving the sozzled wreck in through his own front door and
promptly shutting it. As he drives off, surprise, who is emerging
from the Rovers still frantically trying to hold up her knickers
with one hand, why, it's Maxine ! He suggests they adjourn to
a night club, and off they go.
Frankie is leaving Mike's flat. Buoyed with optimism,
Mike wants to call Deirdre straightaway with the good news. The
others scoff at the thought that he can simply be put through
to Deirdre's padded cell. Anyways, the phone is answered by the
Witch, who holds the receiver to her ear and gazes into space
as Mike's joyful warblings go straight through her brain cavity
and out the other side. File under N for Nutter, she is clearly
thinking.
Far from having collapsed on the settee, Les is turning
the place over looking for his Deep Purple tapes to help him relive
his youth. Toyah is deeply unimpressed, but Les rages at her that
she will be in real trouble if she continues to badmouth him in
front of Greg. Toyah is protecting her mother, not that Janice
of all people needs a protector, but she wants to be careful not
to spoil things between Les and his new-found son [and quite rightly
so, this predates Janice by over 20 years]. She leaves when the
opening riffs of "Smoke On The Water" belt out of the
stereo. [Les' headbanging is not bad, but I'm sorry to say the
air guitar work is poor. What does this show cost ? Surely a little
research would have paid off !]
Having left the Rovers, despite the gaunt one's desire
to stay longer, Fiona and Steve are exchanging meaningful looks
at her flat. Well, Fiona is, Steve's eyeballs are pirouetting
about in their usual fashion. In a weak moment, Fiona confesses
that she wants Steve to stay the night. Nay, not just the night,
but every night. He is gobstruck, as we wish he was ! [Lucky for
me, I have a cast-iron resolution, otherwise the under-sofa sickbags
would have been exhaustively tested at this point.]
In the sitting room behind the bar at the Rovers, Jack
has his feet up. Vera catches him out, obviously thinking he was
in the cellars working, and gives him a good clout. He obviously
*is* in pain, and says so. Vera plays the "pain, you don't
know what that is until you've given birth !" card. [At least
we were spared the passing a melon through your arse analogy...]
Toyah arrives at Leanne's squat, telling her she had
to get out of the house before Status Quo came on. [Good call,
Toyah !] They argue over Greg, with Leanne all gooey and Toyah
suggesting he is a slimeball.
At Mike's flat, Mary and Ken are leaving. Alma is still
miserable about Mike's continued involvement with the case, she
now thinks he has visions of being Deirdre's knight in shining
armour. Not placated, she retires to the spare room for the (k)night.
Mike mutters that at least Deirdre will be having a good night's
sleep...
... but she isn't. The Witch, far from passing on Mike's
good news, is lecturing the Weatherfield One on not getting false
hopes raised by well- meaning friends outside. Deirdre continues
to look like Deirdre, only worse. When will her suffering end
?
This episode was written by Maureen Chadwick.
A bit up and down this week. Obviously good news for
Deirdre, and I am warming to Les, although occasionally he's
a little over the top. We're going around in circles with the
Young Ones and the Babeh, although I sense a plot shift coming
up. But please please *please* let's have no more of Fiona and
Steve and Superperm. Where *is* Fred ??
Overall rating (out of 5 stars): ***
Best line: None. Soundtrack award instead to Messrs
Paice, Lord, Gillan, Blackmore and Glover. Daa daa daaa, daa
daa da-daaah, daa daa daaa, dan- dan... [Must dig out their fabulous
live album sometime, 4 sides, only 7 tracks, leave you to do
the maths there.]
Best scene: Go on then, Les giving it major headbanging
!
Worst scene: Joint award this week to the Greg/Maxine
are-you-gagging-for-it-too exchanges, and the Steve/Fiona making-everyone-else-gag
witterings.
Until next week.
John Laird
Monday 13 April
We open in the Street, where Nastily catches Des and
accuses him of keeping the now legendary low profile, he has been
conspicuous by his absence in the Rovers. He tries to play it
down, but she knows the truth and tells him that he cannot avoid
Samantha forever - he should get out more, perhaps come for a
drink at the Rover's.
In Cell Block H, Big Butch Warder goes to check on
Dreary in the hospital wing. As she leaves she sneeringly tells
Dreary that 'your escape committee rang, and that it's all false
hopes'.
In the back parlour of the Rover's, Jack is moaning
about his leg giving him trouble, and avoiding making another
pot of tea. Alec has no sympathy for what he expects are varicose
veins - 'don't worry, Jack, if Douglas Bader can pick off Jerrys
from a Spitfire, I'm sure you can brew a pot o' tea'. Our hero
goes off to the kitchen, while Vera admits she is a bit worried
about him, he's not been sleeping well, which is very unusual.
Les Battersby is concerned too, because he can't get
Greg on the phone. Toyah calls him Saint Greg, she is not impressed
with this new found father - son bonding, and suggests he's gone
now he's found that Les has got nowt. Les had been planning on
taking him fishing today, because that's what fathers do with
their sons. Leanne is very amused - little lads maybe, but not
25 year old sons. She speculates on whether Moira Kelly really
did marry into money, but Toyah won't have anything to do with
this.
Maxine is telling Fiona that she and Greg went out
clubbing, and admits that 'he's good with his hands'. Fiona warns
her off him, because they know what Les is like, and it must be
in the genes. Just then Les arrives, looking for Greg. He is most
offensive, suggesting that she must have taken him home last night
judging by the bags under her eyes, and she must know where he
is. Les warns her off - Greg is getting to know his family and
his head doesn't need turning. He also warns her 'if it's his
money you're after......'
He storms out, Fiona enjoys saying 'I warned you, like
father, like son', and conveniently Steve walks in, carrying his
moving in luggage.
Outside the Kabin, Ken, La Mouton and Emily are chatting
about the good news brought by Mary Docherty. Mike joins them,
and explains that he doesn't know whether Dreary got the message
or not because she never phoned back last night. Ken offers to
go to see her, but Mike insists 'No, I started it, I'll finish
it'.
In the classroom at Weatherfield School for the Mentally
Void, some sort of Humanities class, the tutor is introducing
Darren Whateley as a guest speaker. Darren is currently a guest
of Her Majesty, and is going to talk about life in the Big House.
BBW goes again to the hospital wing to rouse Dreary
to receive a visitor. Dreary is in her own little world.
When Dreary arrives in Reception, Mike is aghast at
her condition. He is all smiles as he tells her that there is
new evidence, she's going to be free, but she seems unable to
take it in.
Back in the classroom, Darren Whateley is describing
the worst bits of being inside. He regrets losing his freedom
most of all. Tutor invites questions, he is asked what put him
inside. He explains that he murdered a man, the class mutter among
themselves. He elaborates - it was outside a night club about
nine years ago. He and his mates started messing with a woman,
her man came to assist and Darren stabbed him. All he knew of
the man was that he was that he was early thirties, garage mechanic,
left a wife and two kids. He says he'll never forget that his
actions left two young children without a father.
The camera lingers on Nick, who is deep in thought.
His father was a garage mechanic, fatally stabbed nine years ago
outside a night club, could it be.......?
END OF PART ONE
Tutor thanks Darren, he's certainly given them a lot
to think about. The class clown is impressed with actually meeting
a murderer, and can see that the man regrets what he did. Nick
is angry at this because the attitude seems to be that 'he regrets
what he did so that makes it all right', and that he can see that
Darren will get more time off his sentence for this community
work. It's getting a bit heavy, so tutor cuts it there, until
next week.
At the Rover's, Des makes a rare entrance and says
to Nastily (knowing that Sam is in earshot) 'Well, I saw your
smiling face this morning I thought I'd take you up on your offer'.
'What offer?' enquires Nastily. 'A pint please'.
Jack is hobbling around, Maud diagnoses it as arthritis.
Alec puts his two pennorth in - 'There's a medical name for it,
Maud, it's Haydock Park-itis, it'll be better by Friday'. Maud
says that she started with arthritis in her spine, and that put
her in the wheelchair. Vera is horrified. Alec delightedly explains
that you get a ringside seat at the races if you're disabled.
Vera insists that Jack goes to the doctor's for a full medical.
He's going for a 60000 mile service, she wants to know that everything
is in working order. 'And while you're there,' (lowering her eyes
to Jack's trouser region) 'get 'em to look at yer gearbox, 'cos
that hasn't been working for ages'.
Nick calls on Gail, and soon establishes that Martin
and the kids are out. He starts asking about RBrian, and the man
who killed him. Gail tells him to forget it, it's all in the past.
Nick won't have this, and Gail soon admits that he hasn't been
told the full story.
Back in Cell Block H Reception, Dreary is now accepting
that she's inside, and won't be getting out before her 18 months.
Mike is excited about Mary Docherty's news, and that it will make
a difference, she will be coming out. Dreary doesn't want to get
her hopes up. Mike tells her how he left a message with BBW last
night, and was surprised Dreary didn't ring back. Dreary looks
over at BBW with venom in her eyes, BBW looks back with a snarl
that says 'accept it Dreary, he's giving you false hopes again'
Gail has got out the photos and newspaper cuttings
of RBrian's murder. She explains that the one thing she never
told Nick was that it wasn't her that RBrian was in the night
club with, their marriage was in trouble, and they were heading
for the divorce court. The newspaper cuttings confirm that the
murderer was Darren Whateley.
In the Rover's, Nastily is explaining to Sam that she
hadn't actually invited Des for a drink, but Sam doesn't care.
Since Chris went she's not been interested - 'you can move in
with him for all I care'.
Mike arrives, and sits with Liz, Emily and Ken. He
describes her physical condition, and blames it on all the drugs
they gave her.
Back to Nastily, she goes to ask Des what his game
is. He admits it was deliberate making out that she had invited
him there, because after all, they have 'unfinished business'
from a couple of months ago. 'I'm not that cheap, says Nastily.
Nick is moping in No4, blaming it to Leanne on Shannon's
continual crying. He can't stand it any more, and goes out.
Back in the cell, Dreary is describing the news to
Jackie, who tries to calm Dreary's certainty that she'll soon
be out. BBW arrives, and Dreary goes into full anger mode demanding
to know why she wasn't given the message immediately. 'So when
will you be leaving? Before or after breakfast?' Dreary insists
'I'm innocent, and I can prove it!' BBW turns to go and says 'You
do that. In the meantime, I've got the keys....' Excellent!!
Nick has escaped to the Rovers, where he's nursing
an orange juice. Gail finds him there. He's upset because Granny
Ivy always said that RBrian died a hero. Gail agrees with this,
just that they hadn't told him that it was a woman who he'd picked
up in a bar. Gail has forgiven him, indeed blames herself - if
she's tried harder, maybe RBrian wouldn't have gone out looking
for other women. Nick asks what she would do if she met him now?
Gail admits that part of her just wants to forget, but part of
her wants to kill him. Part two ends like part one, with a close
up of Nick.
Episode written by Martin Allen
Dewey
Wednesday 15 April
Time wears on.. and we're only a month or so away
from the London Ping! Not sure what to expect there. Haven't
led the most exciting life, despite what you may have been told!
(Or maybe you have been!) Sitting with a bunch of near-strangers
(well, face-to-face anyway) in an unknown pub in the middle of
London seems a trifle bold for me. But nothing ventured, nothing
gained !
Hope you all had a good Easter weekend and ate as
much yummy Cadbury's chocolate as me! (Must be all the subliminal
advertising! Never seemed to want the stuff till January!). The
winter woke up, realised it had slept in, and fell on us over
the weekend. Snow, hail, rain, wind. Yuk! So time to cuddle up
in bed with the telly, the obligatory hot drinks (Ribena. Lem-Sip
when extra-fragile.) At least it got rid of the cold! Come Tuesday,
I was bright and bubbling as per usual! Good God, the sun even
shone today! All's right with the world. For now.
Apart from the cold, though, things just seem to be
going great in my little world. Social life improving, job opportunities
on the horizon, financial stability seems to be established,
and some interesting consultancy work to keep me occupied in
my spare time. Now ten years ago.. no.. no. you REALLY don't
want to hear about that!! Maybe at the Ping. Buy me a drink.
:))
At the Big House, Deirdre's forming an orderly queue
at the nick.. no not slopping out time, it's for the phone. She's
getting hyper again about the fact that Mike hasn't arranged the
magic carpet by now! Margi.. er.. Jackie Dobbs is the same as
always, cynical but mildly supportive. Warder Bitch, er, Veitch
comes along and earwigs to the ensuing conversation, in which
Deirdre flashes her tendons at Mike down the phone, which, lucky
for him, he can't see. Why hasn't she gotten out yet?? Wot's happening??
Mike tells her that Frankie's working on it. Hopefully she'll
be bailed, pending her appeal. In the flat, Alma looks on, exasperated!
He continues to reassure her that it's all going to happen soon,
but Deirdre has hung up (No, not from the pipes with a scarf,
despite the trolls on the guestbook). The Warder from Hell approacheth,
and gloats to Deirdre about the fact that appeals can take a long,
long time. Deirdre is defiant and tells her she's getting out
soon! Oh, says Veitch, Men can promise you anything you want to
hear. She says she bets that Deirdre has been a complete fool
for men in her time. NAHHH!!!! Jackie jumps to her defence, but
Veitch is having none of it. She tells Deirdre, whose chin is
yet again doing an admirable jelly impression, that she's to buckle
down, give up hope etc. etc..Jackie agrees, hesitantly, and leads
Deirdre away before she throws another tendon display. Back at
the flat, Mike tells Alma she rang off, sounding desperate. Alma
says she knows the feeling.
Tilly leaves Chez Ashley in a mood, with Leanne in
tow, trying to speak to him. He snaps at her that he's OK and
walks off. Leanne shouts 'Be Like That' at him and walks in the
opposite direction.
Meanwhile, Fiona and Steve have left their homestead,
and are pushing the baby along to the clinic in the pram to have
a routine checkup. Quite the homely tableaux. Pity then that Jim
should come over and spoil it by taking the pi...er.. Michael.
Stinking of alcohol, he mocks them, as is his wont, and says how
the baby is the image of his daddy!! Jim walks off, satisfied
at stirring the brown stuff, whilst Fiona tells Steve to leave
it.
In the Rovers' sitting room, it's breakfast time, and
Alec is sitting having a cuppa, with Vera simultaneously impersonating
Hilda Ogden with the rollers, and Ena Sharples with the hairnet!
Jack walks in, ready to leave for the doctor's. Vera asks him
if he had a bath:
Jack: I had me bath on Sunday. And I didn't flamin'
need it then, Vera!
Alec: My word, Jack, there'd be no fear of water shortages if
we were all like you (!)
Vera asks if he's wearing clean underwear; she doesn't
want to be shown up at the doctor's! Jack isn't worried. It's
just a little pain in the legs, nothing serious. Vera is having
none of it. Jack's going to the surgery, and that's that. Alec
chips in, saying how the business has no space for passengers.
Jack retorts saying that he does a heck of a lot more then some,
meaning Alec. Vera persuades him to sit down and have a cuppa,
because they' ll probably need a sample, otherwise he'll be standing
there and there'll be nothing happening! As she could tell them!!
Leanne finds Zoe and baby in the cafe. She's looking
for Tilly to try and figure out why he's being so moody. Leanne
suspects Gail's malevolent influence and throws a look at her
before leaving. Guess who's coming in as she leaves?? Yep Judeh!
Mike P at this stage would relate the scene thusly:
BabehKatehBabehKatehBabehKateh!
She coos over Shannon and, being blind as a bat, says
to Zoe that she's looking well. Zoe is, of course, indignant.
Of course she is! Zoe takes good care of her! (Oh yeah?) At which
point she's only too glad to pass her onto Judy to look after
while she goes uptown for something. Judy is, of course, delighted.
Gail approaches as Zoe leaves and asks if she's doing Zoe a favour.
Judy is so glad to be able to see Shannon, and hold her. I'd say
enjoy it while you can, Jude
Jack enters the doctor's surgery and almost runs out,
thinking he's got the wrong door, because sat behind the desk
is a lady doctor! But he's got the right room; this woman is his
old doctor's successor, the previous good doctor having passed
away some 18 months earlier. Jack is dumbstruck Dead? No-one told
HIM! Down to business, and the doctor says that she's curious
as to why he hadn't seen the doctor for two years. Jack replies
that he's now self-employed and that doing a sickie isn't as much
fun! After relating his aches and pains, and dismissing them as
Vera's unnecessary worries, the doctor asks him to undress to
his underwear for a complete examination. Jack is embarrassed
to say the least. Thank God for those clean undies!
Since the Weatherfield version of Holloway clearly
adopts a one-warder-per-prisoner policy (and we thought they were
overcrowded, tch), Veitch is having another go at riling up a
depressed Deirdre, who is off her food. She tries to retaliate,
but Jackie sees Deirdre digging her own grave and again tries
to defend her. Veitch keeps up the attack Yer doomed, DOOMED!
(Joan Ferguson comes to mind here, but without the refined subtlety)...
Tendons start a-twitching.
Jack is prostrate on the table, and the doctor is holding
his legs up in the air! Ooh-err! It's all part of the medical,
however, to check his circulation. She then checks how long his
legs take to go pink when he sits up, it's not good. (Seen mechanics
whistle and shake their head at your engine?) How many ciggies
does he smoke each day? Just a couple.. of packets!
It's Fi's turn for tea in't cafe. She's trying to persuade
Steve to make up with Jim, because she's tired of watching them
fight all the time. So are we. Infinitely. But wouldn't it be
nice if they just hugged and said sorry?? (Hahahha!!! Bacon and
airline pilots spring to mind.)
At the next table, Alma is moaning away to Gail about
Mike's perceived infidelity whilst Gail tries to put a better
perspective on the whole business. Alma still thinks there's something
fishy about it all, and admits that a little part of her would
be glad if Deirdre never got out! Gail is a tad shocked.
AD BREAK
So gripping is all this (!) that I set the tape running
and disappeared to somewhere far more exciting - the supermarket!.
(BTW , Where's all these single men you're supposed to meet there
at that time of night? Damned if I can find them)
PART TWO
Maxine is ensconced in the Rovers with Mr Charisma,
Greg, swapping banter, establishing availability, that sort of
thing. Don't ask me, I've only spectated at that game! Smouldering
looks tell us that it'll be at least 15 minutes before they've
got their clothes off. This steamy moment is broken by Les, arriving
with the subtlety of .. well... a Battersby, really. He plonks
himself on the pew beside Maxine and pushes her over, saying "Shove
up, shove up". In three seconds flat he's found a way of
getting Greg to get the drinks in again. As Greg gets up to go
to the bar, Les's nasty streak comes out yet again as he turns
on Maxine and snarls at her that three's a crowd and Greg and
him'll be talking business. Maxine is rightly disgusted. (This
man is unbelievable!).
At the bar, Des is clearly on the prowl again (doesn't
take him long does it..), and Nastily seems to be his target.
She spots it coming a mile off though, and counters his lascivious
advances by telling him she's not pulled as easy as a pint of
Newton & Ridleys! (Yay!). Alec offers to serve instead as
she stomps off. I don't think Des fancies Alec. Vera's concerned
at the time Jack's taking to come back from the doctor. Alec thinks
he's maybe been retained in the interests of medical science!
Yes, he's still over there, blowing into one those
lung capacity measurement devices. <whEEEEze>.. The doctor's
not impressed at all. Conclusions? He's not diabetic, thankfully,
but she tells him in no uncertain terms, that his lung capacity
is well under safe levels, and his arteries have narrowed and
are in a very bad shape. He has to change his lifestyle quickly,
or else! She gives him a diet sheet, tells him to cut the drink,
get some exercise and most of all stop smoking immediately! Jack
is appalled, and says it's impossible. The doctor makes it clear
that if he fails to take action now, he could lose a leg, both,
or eventually, worse!!!!
Back at the Rovers' Vera is getting more concerned
as a drunken Jim (what other state?) is attempting to buy another
drink. Vera's having none of it. Jim stomps off to bring joy to
a different part of Weatherfield.
Not four feet away. Mike and Ken are almost being friendly!!
Mike buys Ken a drink.. Film at 11!!! Mike's telling him and Alec
about the progress of the appeal. Given the new evidence, the
police aren't going to oppose the appeal and so it's just a matter
of time, apparently. Alma arrives as Mike's happily telling Alec
to get in the bubbly for Deirdre's release. He asks her what she's
having to drink.
Alma: I'll have a white wine, please, Alec. I suppose
the champagne's reserved for the VIPs!
It's heart-to-heart time at Tilly's. Gail wants to
know why Nicky was asking so much about Brian's death. He just
says he was interested. Gail says he shouldn't dwell on it. She
also advises him not to tell Leanne much about it, else it'll
get straight back to the Battersbys.. oh dear - there's one behind
you Gail! Leanne's heard her! Gail beats a retreat as Leanne launches
into a tirade to try and find out what the secret is. Tilly clams
ups and so Leanne grabs her jacket and disappears, enraged.
Maxine, for all her Muppetry, hasn't taken the hint
back at the Rovers, and is still gazing doe-eyed at Greg, as he
is with her. In between the two is the charming visage of Les
Battersby, interrupting when possible, and usually in the worst
possible way. It finally gets too much for her, so she ups and
leaves. Greg follows, despite protests from Les, who appears a
little too keen to try and get to know Greg's mum again! (I see
Janice carrying a spear... pistols at dawn... a white feather...
) Still, it's not a complete loss, as Les reaches over the now
empty table to grab Greg's pint!
Jack comes back at last, looking grim. He goes through
the back and pours himself a whiskey (good start, Jack). Vera
follows to find out the news. He starts by telling her about the
new lady doctor and then a pack of lies about how he has to take
it easy, not have stress, and not to be opposed in any way!! Vera's
not daft, and demands to know the truth. Jack confesses that he
could lose his legs if he doesn't change his ways. Give up everything
unhealthy! Vera's worried about 'the other'. But the doctor didn
't mention that, only the pleasurable stuff like drinking, smoking
and being lazy!!! That's what HE's got to knock off! Vera gives
him a hard look!
Gareh's at the bar, looking for Jim (why?????). Sam
tells him about how drunk he was. Gareh looks concerned.
Mike meanwhile is still spreading the good news, prematurely.
This time it's Maude and Emily who are being regaled by his joy.
Suddenly, his mobile phone rings; it's Frankie. Mike is over the
moon with the news he is being told. Almost hopping with joy,
he tells his audience that Jon Lindsay has been arrested and is
being charged with fraud, theft, bigamy, the lot!! Joy breaks
out over everyone (except maybe Alma, fearing further complications)
But, says Emily, where will she live if she DOES get out?. Ken
immediately offers his house, of course, but magnanimous Mike
says no, she would stay with him and Alma. Alma can't believe
her ears! Oh no, she says, there's only room for two in that marriage,
not three, and if Deirdre moves in, Alma moves out! Mike detects
a faux-pas.
Cell Block 'W' time. Veitch has more spare time on
her hands and so goes to torment Deirdre. She says she's amazed
that she's still here! Warder Bitch is curious about her surname,
Rachid. Not Irish is it? Moroccan, says Deirdre, and tells her
that he died. Veitch starts to strut around the cell as she spots
ripe territory for torment ahead. Was he run down by a camel?
Get much insurance did you? Deirdre is getting irate! Get the
hump Deirdre? With that, she runs towards the evil warder, to
attack her with the power of the tendon! Jackie quickly stops
her, telling her that it's what Veitch wants! If she hits a warder,
she'll get another six months, and no chance of bail. Warder Bitch
ain't happy at having her little plot foiled, and tells Jackie
to watch it! Jackie reminds Deirdre that she is getting out, but
tells her that she's got no choice:
Jackie: I've got 6 months whether I like it or not,
no matter what I do. So have this one on me!!
Jackie turns and lands a well-placed punch to Veitch's
solar plexus and she goes down! (The country, as one, goes YAYY!!!).
Deirdre looks satisfied!
Meanwhile, Vera is going through Jack's new diet list,
to his displeasure. Alec advises Jack that he'd better not start
downing the mineral waters, go all healthy, and start telling
people that the beer is killing them. It'll hurt trade! Vera jumps
to his defence saying that it's Jack's life that matters. Jack
lights a fag. Vera and Alec are horrified. Jack says he can quit
anytime while Alec scoffs. He'll have this one last fag and that'll
be it! Alec bets him 50 quid he can't quit. Jack is indignant
and stubs the barely lit fag out, saying that he quits as of now.
No more fags, not ever.. finito.. no problem! Suddenly he reaches
for the whiskey bottle.
Jack: You know, I think this calls for a drink... Vera:
<groan>
END
My views:
I missed Prisoner Cell Block H, but this is almost
as good. Jackie's attack was perfect! Brilliant!
Les seems to go through periods of comic relief, only
to come out on the other side with this rather scary nasty side.
If I'd been spoken to like that, I'd be off double quick... Maxine
is made of stronger stuff! (Mind you so is most of the human
race!)
STILL no sign of Roy! Not in next weeks episodes either,
by the look of the cast lists.<sigh> What's a girl to do?
I still think he's making more rockets up in his garret room.
But enough speculation, we need the truth... Roy C. Phone Home
The Cell Block H stuff is great, and Veitch a splendid
pantomime villain! I miss the black leather gloves though.
Well that's my responsibilities discharged for the
time being. CP should be back next week. When will you see me
again? Dunno. Would you want to????? I' m around, so you never
know. Thanks for this little bit of fun, hope it was up to scratch
and all that, and I'll see some of you in London in May!
Warmth and things,
Annie
Friday 17 April
Hi there again folks! Another Friday Update to write
up!
I suppose the mind's ability to separate reality from
fantasy is one of those wonderful things that the medical profession
and philosophers have discussed for some time. That debate has
certainly exercised the minds of those astonished at the Deirdre
saga and its ability to hijack media attention over the last
few weeks. It's not often, after all, that events in a fictional
TV programme make the news, both nationally and internationally
- as I've said before, this one must rank alongside Dallas' "Who
shot JR" in terms of the media hype and publicity.
On more mundane levels, I suppose the fact/fantasy
problem presents itself for all of us in different ways pretty
regularly. Take this week, when we had worse weather conditions
than we'd had all winter - having had a taster of spring for
a while, it was hard to take winter again and you began to wonder
whether it was all some bad dream.
Or take Friday, when the Milewczyk household hit one
of those milestones in life - you know the moment is going to
come at some stage and when it does, you cannot believe it has
occurred. I refer, of course, to the nightmare of any parent
of a teenager - when it is time to add your offspring's name
to the car insurance! Our son, Simon, is 17 and has been taking
driving lessons for a while - now we're getting geared up for
the driving test itself (sometime in the next few weeks) and
the instructor has said that he would benefit from additional
practice! So we've got the red L plates and I've made the fateful
call to the Insurance company to extend the cover to include
said offspring. My wife is already working out how long it would
take her to get to work by bus when the car is being repaired
in the body shop! I'm keeping schtum because I wasn't exactly
a careful driver when I was young as my son is prone to remind
me.
Or how about the problems youngsters have connecting
into reality? A few months ago, my wife was teaching a class
and asking them if they knew of any members of the Royal Family.
Blank looks faced her. "Oh dear", she thinks, "I'm
going to have to give them some clues". Well, she managed
to elicit the fact that we have a Queen, so she told them that
the Queen had three sons and a daughter, helpfully pointing out
that the sons were all Princes. Still nothing! A further clue
was offered, namely, that one of the Princes had big sticky-out
ears - one bright spark suddenly became very animated and offered
the name of Prince Naseem Hamed! Now that particular individual
may call himself a Prince and he might be a good boxer and a
hero to the local Asian community, but a member of the Royal
Family? I think not! Mind you, he probably means more to those
youngsters than the real Prince!
Or even ICQing with fellow RATUCSers? Hi Jacqueline
in Canada! Even though I'm a technological animal, some of the
things that are now possible still amaze me. I'd had a technical
query to do with my mailreader program, Pegasus and posted the
query on the support mail list to which I subscribe - ended up
having an ICQ chat with someone in Ohio who came up with some
helpful comments. Partway through this, our Jacqueline - who
is on long-service missionary duties in the colonies - comes
on, asking for authorisation to add her name to my list - this
duly granted, I carry on with the Pegasus query. When it ended
I thought, let's give her a call and we ended up having an ICQ
keyboard chat, thousands of miles away from each other, all for
the price of a local phone call. Tremendous stuff!
So with all these great happenings, where is reality,
when I hear that someone has sent ITV TV a cheque for £5000
for Deirdre's fighting fund? A strange world indeed!
Anyway, onto business and Friday's episode, sponsored
by Cadbury's Roses - this was one where we were starting to wrap
up one storyline and another was unfolding.
The episode commences at our Judeh and Gareh's place
over breakfast. Gareh's have a Coronary Care breakfast - just
a small fry up! Judeh's complaining of not feeling too well, blaming
it on the chicken they had last night - he'll have to make his
own butties for work (you just can't get the same quality of serf
these days!). Gareh tries to persuade her to go the Doctor, but
she's reluctant to do so. He suggests a pick-me-up "what
you need is a holiday", but, of course, they have no money.
He departs for work telling her he loves her and reminds her to
go to the Doctor. She's deep in thought and suddenly the revelation
hits her - she's pregnant. She rushes out into the Street and
calls after Gareh - she tells him the news. Well, he's not convinced,
is he? "You know that's very unlikely, don't you" and
anyway, he doesn't want her to raise her hopes to have them dashed.
She tells him that, this time, she feels pregnant, she's convinced
of it. She remembers that she has a DIY Pregnancy Testing Kit
at home and tells him that she'll try it out and the result will
only take a few minutes. Gareh's getting late for work, but, you
cannot say no at a time like this, so he goes back in with her.
Frizzie Lizzie espies 'Yer Wee Mon, Jim McDonald getting
into the van to go to work. He looks rather the worse for wear
after a heavy night, presumably imbibing the juice of the hopped
grain. When she asks him how he is, "Never better" is
his response, but she comments that he stinks - now this is no
idle statement of how she perceives his sensitivity, it refers
to the fact that she can smell the booze on him. She tells him
that he cannot drive in this state because he will be breathalised
- he maintains that he might have a hangover but he's certainly
not drunk, however she points out that he can still be over the
limit. Well, he's decided, he's got work to go to and what's more,
he's not walking! Despite his protestations, she tells him that
he can ring and tell them he'll be late - she offers to make him
a coffee, after all "I worry!", she says. With the way
she dresses and looks, she obviously has just cause, but this
is not the object of her concern, more's the pity!
We are at the Rovers at breakfast time with Jack Duckworth
and Alec Gilroy. Jack has been told to give up the Nick Teen and
Al K Hall and Alec is offering his customary support by blowing
cigarette smoke into Jack's face - after all, there's £50
to be made and we all know how motivated Alec is when it comes
to money.
"Is there any more tea in that pot, Jack?"
asks Alec in his best creeping voice.
"How do I know? What do you think I am, psychic?" is
Jack's retort.
Alec makes out he was only going to offer to make another
pot if that one was low, but Jack is wise to what's going on.
"Tell me, does it not bother you knowing that you're smoking
yourself into an early grave, eh?" he asks Alec.
"Me, no, no, fit as a flea, always have been.....
have one" is the reply as he seizes on the opportunity to
win the bet and offers Jack one of his ciggies, "...if you
want one!"
Well, Jack is wavering - the mouth says "no",
but the heart says "yes".
Alec obviously has angling as one of his hidden skills,
because he knows how to fix the bait and get the prey hooked -
then, it's a matter of playing it skilfully and reeling in the
catch at the appropriate moment.
Jack tells him he doesn't want one, but he'll just
"handle one" - yep, he's taken the bait! - "just
so I know, for a fact, that I definitely don't want one".
He's picked up a ciggie and lovingly spins it around.
"You can light up if you want", offers Alec,
"just as long as you know, it'll cost you 50 quid!"
"Not even tempted, Alec" is Jack's response, but we
all know differently.
"Of course, some people find that helpful, you
know, to have a pretend to smoke, you know, just have something
in their hands, sort of thing, you know. Mind you, there's nothing
to replace that kick at the back of the throat, is there, when
you inhale?.... is there, Jack?" says Alec.
By now the ciggie is in Jack's mouth and he's having
an imaginary drag - he's lost it completely. He caves in, "All
right, all right, you can have your 50 quid, but you're going
to have it in instalments and not a word to our Vera, do you hear?".
On cue enter Vera - she sees Jack just lighting up.
She berates him "Do you know, I can't let you out of my sight
for two minutes. Do you wanna die, you daft beggar?.... Oh, willpower!"
Jack apologises doing his usual blame-someone-else
bit, "It was his fault, he's been egging me on"!
Alec denies it but Vera's had enough "New house
rules in here. No smoking at mealtimes. No arguments" as
she takes Alec's ciggie out of his hands and stubs it out, much
to his surprise.
Judeh's done her test and is waiting for the result
- it only takes a few seconds. Gareh, who doesn't want her to
raise her hopes, is whittering on about who to contact for adoption.
"Yes, Yes, I knew it, Yes!" is Judy's exultant cry when
the test shows positive. Gareh is concerned that the result might
be wrong but Judy points out to him that sometimes the result
doesn't show as positive when someone is actually pregnant, but
not the other way round. "Can it mean anything else"
asks Gareh (like what? that men have landed on Mars?). "No
Gareh. I'm expectant. I'm pregnant. I've got a behbeh in here!"
(Groan in our household as I relish - not - the prospect of listening
to that Yorkie bar, whining on for the next 8 months or so about
her behbeh!) Gareh and Judeh are overcome with emotion - "Oh
Judy, oh Judy!" - which is promptly shattered by the phone
ringing. It's Steve wondering where the worker is - Judy tells
a little porky that Gareh has "just this second left. He'll
be with you any minute.... Yeah.... No, we slept in.. the alarm
didn't go off." As Gareh departs for work, Judeh tells him
"we're gonna have three mouths to feed again, only this time,
it'll be our own behbeh". The scene ends with Judeh agreeing
to go to the doctor to confirm her pregnancy and Gareh and Judeh
crying and hugging each other, quite unable to believe that their
news can be true.
We're at Ashley's - Zoe is bemoaning her fate as a
mother "Day in, day out, wall to wall boredom, that's what
kids give you, so be warned before you and Leanne start. I wish
someone had warned me" she tells Nick. As Leanne comes home,
having been away overnight, Nick snaps at Zoe, telling her he's
fed up of hearing about the kid - Leanne tells him off for speaking
to Zoe in that way. He wants to know where Leanne was last night
- she tells him that she was at her folks, but he doesn't believe
her because he called a number of times. "Maybe I was out
with my friends, you know, people who talk behind about you your
back" is her reply. He tells her that she's got it all wrong,
it wasn't about her, it was about "boring old family stuff"
but she's not convinced. She's late for work so scoots off with
Nick asking her whether she will be back tonight. "I'll see
how I'm fixed" is her non-committal response.
"Flaming doctors, they're not happy until they've
taken away every last pleasure you've got" - Jack is telling
Vera about his woes. He's stripped to the waist and Vera is overcome
with lust - "You've got a lovely back, Jack", she tells
him, "Apart from the blackheads!" She's putting a nicotine
patch on his back to help him kick the habit. "But why don't
you let me put it on my arm, like it does in the picture"
he asks. "You know why, 'cos you'll only peel it off once
you fancying a fag! I'm putting it out of range, out of temptation"
is her reply. Jack complains about her lack of faith and Vera
agrees - she warns him that if he smokes with the patch on, he'll
overdose and kill himself. With that she slaps the patch onto
his back and orders him to put his shirt back on. As she leaves
the room, he winces with pain - he tries, unsuccessfully, the
remove the patch off his back and we hear him muttering "The
swine!" as the scene comes to a close.
We're in the front of the Rovers. Emily is asking Ken
when they are likely to hear about Deirdre. "Anytime",
is Ken's response "I assume Frankie Stillman (beat still
gentle heart) will ring Mike from the Court of Appeal as soon
as she knows anything." The camera pans to Vera who is telling
Alec "He's got his nicotine patch on now, so don't you go
tempting him". "Him, he doesn't need any tempting"
replies Alec, still scenting the possibility of winning the wager,
but Vera warns him that any cigarettes could lead to Jack overdosing,
so she'll hold Alec responsible.
Frizzie comes into the bar with the girls and sees
Jim propping up a drink - she asks whether he got to his job OK.
She comments on him drinking again and advises that he needs to
start looking after himself - this is rich coming from a woman
who needs a style transplant but 'Yer Wee Mon says he is just
having a lunchtime pint. Frizzie says that it will not end there,
though, will it? He should be out there looking for jobs, but
he tells her that there are no jobs, nothing for the likes of
him. "What about asking Kevin, if he needs help at the garage,
have you thought about that?" she asks. No, he hasn't, is
his brusque reply.
Alec comes through into the back - Jack has his shirt
off and is still trying, unsuccessfully, to remove the patch from
his back.
"Dear, oh dear" says Alec, "the sights
you see when you haven't got a gun. Well it's good job it's me
and not Samantha, that's all I can say. No young lass should have
that thrust upon her".
Jack tells him to go away but Alec is still in with
a chance on the wager and offers help -"Do you want me to
give you a hand. Only I think you'd do right to try and take it
off, because they don't work, you know, them patches, from what
I've heard".
"Do they not?" asks Jack.
"No, no, here, let me help you" is Alec's reassuring
reply, "only, don't tell Vera I've helped you, will you?"
Jack suddenly realises what's going on and tells Alec
that he's not getting the £50.
"I nearly did this morning" replies Alec!
"Aye, but you won't now, because that patch is staying on
there, come hell or high water", says Jack.
Just then there is a loud cheer from the bar and they
go front of house to investigate. Ken, Emily and Frizzie are at
the bar and Mike's just told them the news -"the best"
- Deirdre's being let out on bail, "but don't open the champagne
just yet, let's wait till she gets here!" says Mike.
Jack has come through in his vest and, noticing this,
Vera ticks him off and tells him to put a shirt on.
Just then Lama the Misprint comes in. Noticing the
celebrations, she asks what's going on, to be told by Frizzie
that the Appeal Court has let Deirdre out on bail. Why doesn't
she look overjoyed, like the rest of them, I ask myself?
It's Troughing Time at T'Nick. Jackie Dobbs is telling
Dreary that she owes her for sticking one on Butch Warder - she
has to see the Governor later to receive her punishment. Jackie
sees Butch approaching and warns D to get her head down - for
newcomers, this is not a scene from the Liz Taylforth School of
Debt Repayment, it's merely a precautionary warning to keep out
of trouble. "Don't rise to the bait. Just water off a duck's
back, know what I'm saying?" is Jackie's advice. "Rachid!
I've been looking for you" snaps Butch. "Good afternoon,
Mrs Veitch" crows Jackie. "Shut it" snaps back
the Butch - ooh, I like a strong woman (mind you, not like Tamara
Press, though)! "I want you to go to your cell and collect
together anything you want to take with you" she tells D.
"Take with her? Where?" asks Scouse Con. "Out!"
snaps the Butch, "you're going out". D doesn't believe
her - she's been down this road before "Oh yeah, like last
time". "I'm going to miss you" smiles the Butch
(my wife shudders!). "This had better be for real" replies
the Drear. Butch tells her that her solicitor is here waiting
for her. D gets up and follows Butch as Jackie snaffles D's food.
"Deirdre, be lucky, girl!" shouts Jackie after Dreary
as she leaves.
End of Part 1
Followed by the adverts, nothing particularly worth
mentioning apart from the suggestion of the Gladiators' Lightning
as PE Teacher - phoarr! Worth a freeze frame - we never had PE
Teachers like that when I were a lad!
Part 2
Fit'n'Sexy (Frankie Stillman) - Swoon! Swoon! Slobber! Slobber!
- is waiting for Deirdre. "Is it true, are they letting me
out?" asks a disbelieving Deirdre. Frankie confirms that
she is being let out pending the appeal "and with the stuff
they've got on Jon Lindsay now, I shouldn't think you'd be coming
back here". She continues to tell D that Jon "was formally
charged this morning in the Magistrates Court with bigamy, amongst
other things" to which D's response is "At last! The
truth". Fit'n'Sexy tells her that after some formalities
have been settled, it's off out and that there is a small reception
committee waiting for her outside. D realises that she's missing
the love of her life, "Where is she? Veitch! The woman who
came in with me. I especially wanted to say goodbye to her...".
Her bitterness overflows when she tells Fit'n'Sexy that she hopes,
for her sake, she never bumps into her at the supermarket or crossing
the road, but Fit'n'Sexy tells her to forget Veitch, she'll never
see her again - she's the one spending the rest of her life in
the prison, not Deirdre.
Nick is back Chez Ashley - he apologies to Zoe for
his outburst earlier that morning - she tells him that he wants
to watch it because he's merely a lodger round here! He says that
he was upset because of Leanne not coming home last night - he
suggests making amends by bringing home a takeaway tonight for
all four of them, to have a laugh and brighten up Leanne a bit.
He then modifies his suggestion by asking if she and Ashley fancied
going out, as this would give him and Leanne a chance to talk
- he offers to baby-sit, but Zoe is not sure. Kehteh (sorry, Shannon)
has been very irritable and she doesn't want to leave her.
D is leaving T'Nick with Fit'n'Sexy and she still cannot
believe that all this has happened to her. "One minute, your
life's normal like everyone else's and the next, you're somebody
who has spent time in prison." She suddenly sees Jon Lindsay,
handcuffed, being taken out of a prison van, escorted by two warders
- he is being brought into the prison and as their fortunes finally
reverse, she shouts out to him "You should like it in there,
Jon, it's directly beneath the flypath to the airport"! At
that moment, we hear a plane flying past. Mike is outside the
prison with Ken and Emily - he is cock-a-hoop with joy and says
to Deirdre "I told you I'd get you out, didn't I? I promised!"
(Pity he couldn't keep his promises to Lama!) "Oh Mike",
D gushes, "I can never repay you for what you've done for
me! Everything, everybody's done!" She thanks Ken and tells
him she'll feel better when she's had a rest and a bath in a proper
bed, they're the only two things she wants in the whole world
right now. "Well, now you have a choice", Ken replies.
"Alma's looking forward to seeing you" adds Mike but
D hesitantly tells him that she'd rather stay with Ken. Mike looks
hurt "In that hole?" but accedes to her request. She
reassures Mike that she doesn't want him to think her ungrateful.
Mike thanks and congratulates Fit'n'Sexy (aside, boy, could I
show my gratitude... whoops, here comes my wife's Chinese chopper
again.... duck!).
Judeh and Gareh are celebrating their news with champagne
- "This is the last drink I'm ever gonna have" says
Judeh, "well, till Christmas. Christmas Eve to be exact.
That's when t'behbeh's due. The doctor calculated it's due on
Christmas Eve if everything goes as it should." She is scared
of the future ahead of her but Gareh reassures her that she will
not be on her own for one second. She goes on to tell him that
the doctor congratulated her but warned her that the biggest risk
of anything going wrong is in the first three months - most miscarriages
happen then, so she doesn't want to tell anyone until they have
got over that phase. Gareh looks worried and asks why the doctor
told her this but Judeh reassures him but saying that everyone
is told this. "Smile eh" she continues, "he also
said that some pregnant women get extra sexy". A smile forms
around arr Gareh's chops "oh, yeah?" and Judeh tells
him "so you'd better keep fit... available on demand".
Zoe has changed her mind about going out and is giving
Nick and Leanne instructions on looking after Shannon - she asks
them to keep an eye on her as she's not been well. Nick expresses
his gratitude for the opportunity to have the house to himself
and Leanne - Ashley says it's a pleasure but Zoe adds that it
would have been better if Shannon hadn't been under the weather.
As they go out, Nick tells Leanne that after he's put Shannon
down, he's going to get a takeaway and then he'll tell her all
she wants to know. Leanne looks anxious as she wonders what the
news will be.
Dreary Carrot has returned to Ken's. "You sure,
you'll be all right in here? It's not the most inspiring place
in the world!" asks Mike. "Don't knock it Mike, compared
to where I've been it's a palace" replies RD. "Tea?"
offers Ken. RD accepts. "No! Never drink the stuff!"
retorts Mike, "Right, well, you know where we'll be if you
ever change your mind". "Mike, you have done enough,
honest" replies D. Mike then departs, after confirming that
D will be in the Rovers at 7:30. Ken tells D that everyone is
looking forward to seeing her. "Not as much I'm looking forward
to seeing them" replies RD, "everyone of them. Even
Audrey and them that thought I was guilty, especially them"!
Nick has splashed out on a takeaway to say "sorry"
to R Leanne. He's just about to tell her what the problem has
been when we hear Shannon coughing and spluttering upstairs -
Leanne is anxious to find out Nick's secret and tells him to ignore
the baby as she will settle down. He confides that he has met
the man who killed his father - he has checked his name with his
mother, although he hasn't told her the rest of the story, so
she thinks that he was just asking out of interest. He tells Leanne
that he met the murderer at college where he had given a talk
- he is angry, thinking about him all the time and what he would
like to do to him. He resents what was taken from him. He informs
Leanne that he couldn't tell her because he wanted to try to resolve
the problem himself - he didn't want to bother her, and for the
same reason, he had not confided fully in his mother. In the background,
Shannon is crying more and more and Leanne reluctantly breaks
off to go upstairs to attend to the sprog. A few seconds later,
she rushes downstairs and cries out to Nick to fetch Martin quickly
- Shannon has been sick and is now just staring at her. Nick rushes
out for help.
We are the Rovers and it's party-time - Mike is saying
he doesn't know where Deirdre has got to. Frizzie offers to pop
round, but Lama says not to bother as she's probably changed her
mind as people will pointing at her and whispering about her if
she comes in.
Alec is still making a pitch to win the wager - he
is telling Jack that what doctors don't consider when they're
advising people to give up smoking is that it puts years on them
in stress and worry, "I mean, look at your face, the day
before yesterday, you were a happy-go-lucky jovial sort of cove
- now look at you. Eee, there's more lines than Crewe junction!"
"Get stuffed!" is Jack's reply, but Alec
continues, "Oh no, I think smoking's the lesser of two evils
in your case!"
Just then, there's a cry of "She's here!"
and to a cheer from all in the Rovers, enter the Dreary Carrot.
"I thought you were hiding away" exclaims
Mike, He offers her some champagne. "Come on Deirdre get
that cork off!"
Now, if I were Lama, then I'd take this as evidence
of dirty wrong-doings between Mike and Deirdre - I mean, the brass-faced
man actually inviting her to pop her cork at him! While everyone's
in a party mood, Lama's demeanour tells a totally different picture.
Nick rushes back to Ashley and Zoe's - Martin in not
at home and Audrey is baby-sitting so she won't leave the kids.
Leanne is distraught, "It's getting worse", she wails.
Nick says he'll go in the Rovers but a tearful Leanne suggests
he gets Judeh Mallett, while she phones for an ambulance.
Judeh and Gareh are having a celebratory snog - Gareh
is saying how the champagne goes to his head. "Well it will
do if you drink it by the bucket load" says R Jude. Judeh
has some champers left over which she offers to Gareh as she doesn't
want the behbeh having a hangover - Gareh bets it will have hiccups.
There is a loud banging on the door and Nick bursts in - he tells
Judy she has to come right over because there's something wrong
with Shannon. They rush all out.
We're back at the Rovers and D is overcome by the reception
she has had. "Well, you never doubted it, did you?"
asks Mike.
D takes the opportunity to express her gratitude to
Mike. "I know I've said it a thousand times but I can never
thank you enough for everything you've done".
"I'm just pleased I was there able to help"
says our noble hero. "I don't know what else I can say"
continues the Drear, "just thanks" and plants a kiss
on his lips in full view of Lama. Cue for hostilities - World
War 3 is about to commence.
Judeh's arrived at Zoe's and Leanne is explaining that
Shannon has been sick and now she's gone all strange. She tells
Judy that Zoe's gone out and they were baby-sitting for her -
she confirms that the ambulance is on its way. Nick is distraught
telling Judeh to do something but, she feels helpless, she doesn't
know what to do - then to her horror, she notices that Shannon
is not breathing. We hear the ambulance in the background, coming
closer.
Ashley and Zoe come round the corner. Ashley is asking
her whether she's sure she doesn't fancy going onto a club - no,
she doesn't now she's "got a bellyful of Chinese". They
see the ambulance pulling up in front of them. "That's our
house it's stopped outside" observes Ashley - Zoe rushes
up to the house. She sees Judeh coming out, holding Shannon in
her arms - neither Judeh nor Zoe are able to speak. Tears are
streaming down Judeh's face. Shannon is motionless. Zoe dissolves
into tears.
Cue music and credits
Episode written by Sally Wainwright
Script Copyright ITV Television
Well, the end of a dramatic episode as we see the
Dreary Carrot reunited with her allotment and set free. Nice
moment when she and Jon Lindsay went in opposite directions -
her to freedom and him to jail.
The best dialogue - between Jack Duckworth and Alec
Gilroy - great lines, wonderful timing, Jack and Alec at their
best. Classic Corrie.
Tragedy for Zoe and those surrounded by her as we
enter the next major storyline in Corrie.
And that's about it for now - see you same time, same
place, a week from now.
Take care now.... Regards, Alan
Sunday 19 April
Eeek. Tis the curse of "Hello", cruelly
transferred to the Internet and blighting my Coronation Street
updates. Barely had I had time to take the mickey out of Linda
McCartney's mince adverts last week, and the poor woman dies.
We also lost Fred Davis, a lovely old guy and a great snooker
player and Pol Pot, not one of my personal heroes, it must be
said.
Rather closer to home, it no doubt serves me right
for casting aspersions on my wife's family, as we were out at
a Greek restaurant on Saturday night with a couple of them. Telepathically
sensing my cheap jibes, they contrived to fill us both with copious
quantities of alcohol, having first somehow disabled my in-built
fail-safe booze cutoff. I was still getting headaches on Monday
if I got up too quickly. Clearly, I have not evolved to cope
with drink - after your early twenties I reckon you become either
increasingly tolerant or intolerant of the stuff. I'm in the
latter category - which is fine, except when the internal alarm
fails to sound when the bloodstream is awash. So if you could
all just press those keys quietly ? Thank you. Did you know that
5 million brain cells die as a result of over-indulgence ? Or
is it 55... Can never remember.
I think we'll nip on smartly to the real drama this
week, as I'm sure you'll be waiting to see what the outcome was
of Friday's cliffhanger. I can't stop myself looking at the next
week's TV listings which rather gives the game away, but nevertheless,
it was an excellent episode.
Today, we'll be looking through the... square window.
Act 1
It is morning. A taxi pulls up outside Ashley's house, and Ashley,
Zoe and Judy get out. They walk into the house, clearly distraught.
Shannon has died, of meningitis. In best tradition, Ashley offers
to put a pot of tea on. Zoe doesn't want anything, but Judy says
she will stay for a little while. Zoe is grateful that Judy stayed
with them at the hospital, and Judy tells her that she couldn't
have left. Zoe is very upset that she wasn't at home the previous
evening. She goes upstairs, and Ashley tells Judy how concerned
he is for Zoe, who returns clutching what looks like one of Shannon's
baby grows. She sits on the stairs and leans against the rails,
holding the small garment to her face, crying. [My vision is blurring
a little here.]
We cut straight to the back room of the Rovers, where
Jack is nervously jangling a set of keys, obviously having a bit
of trouble with the lack of nicotine. Alec asks how his patches
are going. In return, Vera reminds Alec that she has banned smoking
from the room, and he blows a last lungful of smoke in Jack's
direction before stubbing out his cigarette. Jack looks rather
pained by it all.
Returning to Ashley's house, Judy is just leaving.
Ashley thanks her for her support. Judy says goodbye to Zoe, and
they embrace. Zoe tells Judy that she did love Shannon, even though
everyone thought she was a bad mother. Judy reassures her that
this was not so. Just then, Leanne and Nick appear. They've been
lurking upstairs, worried about whether to come down or not. Leanne
looks very upset, and tries to talk to Zoe, who ignores her. This
upsets Leanne even more.
Gary is sitting at the kitchen table when Judy returns.
Judy breaks down as he hugs her. Her thoughts are all over the
place - she is broken hearted at Shannon's death, guilty at the
thought that they were joyful only the day before when they found
out she was pregnant at last, then panicking about how they can
break that news to Zoe, to anyone. Then she asks whether the same
thing could happen to their baby. Gary insists that everything
will be alright. The doorbell rings - it's Vera, come to see how
they are, knowing how close they were to the baby. She tells them
how terrible it is, "what 'as 'appened, and you wanting a
baby and not able to have one yourselves". An awkward moment.
[And some fine acting from Ian Mercer as Gary.]
We wander over to see another marital crisis, as Alma
is plonking a glass of water and some headache tablets in front
of Mike. Having calmed down a little over Deirdre's trial, she
is now enraged once more by the sight of her husband "licking
the face off another woman in public". [Alma's words, it
really wasn't much more than a peck though.] Mike tells her to
"get real", as it was just a kiss. Alma plays the old
girlfriend card again, but Mike tells her she is just paranoid.
He maintains that he helped Deirdre as a friend, and that it would
have been good for him to have had some support at home. After
these stalled peace talks, Mike decides to go out for some fresh
air.
Back at Ashley's house, he is packing some baby toys
in a box. The front door opens and Uncle Fred walks in. He asks
how Zoe is - she is asleep. Fred appears genuinely shocked at
the tragedy. He tells Ashley it is good that Zoe is not on her
own at this time, but Ashley retorts that she would have been
if "you'd chucked her out". Fred offers to help any
way he can, with the funeral perhaps. "Why, will it make
you feel better ?", Ashley responds. He gets more angry and
tells Fred to get out. Fred doesn't rise to this, with it being
a house in mourning, but advises Ashley to think on about what
he has said, and make sure it is just his anger making him behave
like this. He leaves, and a few seconds later, the doorbell rings,
and Ashley opens the door brusquely, expecting to see Fred again,
but it's Gary. He asks how things are. Ashley starts to answer,
then says "I don't know how I'm going to take it any more",
before breaking down. Gary hesitates, then puts his arms around
the poor lad, and comforts him. [Sheesh, more dust in that pesky
eye.]
Intermission
After all that drama (packed into no more than about 7 minutes),
we get some much more light-hearted commercials than usual, including
the Fat Slags discovering some healthy low-calorie, vitamin-enhanced
Lucozade taking up valuable cream cake space in their fridge.
And a rather good all-nations football ad from Budweiser of all
folks, who apparently are sponsoring the World Cup football tourney
this year. That's a bit like Tetley's bitter sponsoring the Superbowl
!! Strangely, the veggie mince ad is not on...
Act 2
Ashley and Gary are inside. Ashley is telling Gary how much he
loved baby Shannon, even though she wasn't his. "So did I",
says Gary. Although he always "knew" that he and Judy
would probably not have been able to keep her as their own, Gary
never imagined how it would have turned out. "You don't blame
Zoe ?", asks Ashley. Gary doesn't. Ashley tells him how unfair
it was of everyone else to criticise Zoe, although he knows she
was far too young to have had a baby, she really tried to be more
mature and responsible for Shannon's sake. He mentions that Fred
had been round, to make himself feel better, he thinks. Gary tells
him this is bit unfair, and not to shut him out. Ashley needs
support [and Fred is the only family he has].
The Rovers is near deserted. Alec asks Jack how he
is coping with "cold turkey". Jack asserts that he has
a will like "fortified concrete". "Much like your
skull", mutters Alec. Mike is the other side of the bar [getting
his fresh air, no doubt !] and asks how long Jack has been off
the weed. Nearly 3 days it transpires, although Jack quotes it
to the minute. In a gesture of male solidarity, Mike exhales cigar
smoke in Jack's direction with his usual smirk.
Deirdre returns to Ken's house, and tells him the terrible
news about the baby. They are both shocked, but they cheer up
when Ken insists that they should concentrate on the future, to
which end he has opened up a bottle of red plonk from the corner
shop [warning, Will Robinson, red wine alert !]. They toast, and
Ken puts his arm around Deirdre's shoulder. After a sip of wine
and a smile, he leans in for a kiss. Deirdre recoils as if it
was the Witch from PCBH moving in for some tonsil hockey, and
pushes him away.
In the shop, Fred is talking to Maud. Looking back,
he sees that no-one was supportive of Zoe, themselves included.
He regrets this. Ashley arrives, to apologise for his earlier
outburst. Fred tells him that no apology is necessary, and again
insists that he should help out. He and Maud will look after the
shop for Ashley.
Mike returns to his flat - he tells Alma about Shannon.
They sit on the sofa and he suggests that life is too short for
rows. Alma, in return, admits that she was proud of what he'd
done for Deirdre, but that she was worried about deeper motives,
and the money. Mike is confident that the costs will be returned
after the appeal - "I'm a businessman, trust me" he
says. [Haven't heard that pearl of Baldwin wisdom for a little
while.]
Ken is trying to apologise to Deirdre. He wasn't trying
to take advantage earlier, he believed they had become much closer
as a result of the trial and they could have a future together.
"Why shouldn't we be together - I love you, Deirdre !".
[Bleargh] She tells him that she does love him, as a friend. "I'm
not in love with you !". Ken, still wounded obviously,
thinks she must still be in love with Jon Lindsay [as if] or someone
else [now, who could that be...]. She maintains there's
no-one.
Ashley is sitting at his kitchen table, when Zoe comes
down in her dressing gown. She couldn't sleep. He's made some
butties, and suggests she should try to eat something. "They're
your favourites - cheese and pickle." [Which reminds me,
I'm sure Ashley said "hospickle" earlier !] He holds
her hand. Nick and Leanne return at this point. Poor Leanne -
she looks worse than before, and again tries to talk to Zoe to
tell her how sorry she is. Zoe flips, and rages first at Leanne,
and then all of them. How can any of them know how she feels ?
She tells everyone to get out and leave her alone. [What a tour
de force from such a young actress tonight.]
Returning to the pantomime at the Rovers, Alec sets
a trap for Jack. Leaving a half-finished cigarette, still burning,
by the phone, he nips in the back room and calls the pub from
his mobile. Jack answers, and Alec hangs up. Spotting the ashtray,
Jack picks up the cigarette and takes one drag before Alec appears
from nowhere asking who the call was from. Jack is unable to speak
with a mouthful of smoke, as Alec delights in baiting him with
questions. He suggest that Jack looks a bit off-colour, and should
get outside for some fresh air ! Jack escapes as Alec returns
to the bar.
We return to Ashley's house, and find Fred telling
Ashley that he arranged the funeral for Monday. Ashley is surprised
at how soon this will be. Fred again offers what help he can to
Zoe. "You can't work miracles, Mr Elliott", she says.
"No love, but I wish I could. I really do", he replies.
[Sniff.] Ashley hugs his uncle, who leaves. After telling Zoe
she should try to get some sleep, if only to get some strength
for what will be next, Ashley goes off upstairs. Zoe, sitting
in an armchair, spots something under the TV. Going over, she
picks up a pram toy, and falls to the floor clutching it. Lying
curled up on the floor with this reminder of her lost baby, she
sobs to herself as the credits roll. [That was it for me.]
This episode was written by a man ! Take a bow, Phil
Ford.
Phew. Was it only last week when some were bemoaning
a couple of dismal episodes, and now we get this emotional roller
coaster of a ride ? You would be hard pushed to have made tonight's
programme any better, barring perhaps the removal of some of
the light-hearted interludes with Jack and Alec. But that wouldn't
be in the tradition of the producers.
Almost everyone who put in an appearance at Ashley's
house provided an absolutely first-class performance [poor Nick
didn't get to say much], with special mentions going to Joanne
Froggatt, Steven Arnold, Ian Mercer and John Savident as Zoe,
Ashley, Gary, and Fred. Quite where the two younger players,
in particular, dug up the raw emotions they displayed, is beyond
me. They were simply magnificent. And so was the script. There
was nothing cheap or tawdry or headline-grabbing about the show.
It was just perfectly executed drama. I really hope there's no-one
out there who is upset and angry about this sort of stuff.
And if that wasn't enough, there's more to come on
Monday...
[After the show, I gave my daughter a special big
hug on the settee (sorry, this might mean little to you single
folks out there), and she said "I really love that, Daddy".
"What's that, sweetheart ?", I asked, getting a bit
choked up again. "That cereal there on the television",
she replied. So there you go, back to Earth with a bump and a
bowl of Sugar Puffs !]
Overall rating (out of 5 stars): *****
Best line: Probably only for the comic relief from
the unfolding tragedy, I'll go for Alec's suggestion about the
contents of Jack's skull.
Best scene: The last 10 seconds. Tested my resolve
to the limits.
I'm off for a lie down. See you next week.
John Laird
Monday 20 April
Once again I have to apologise for the delay. I was
away from home Monday to Wednesday, with three days of training
courses, and catching up on domestic duties has denied me my quality
update time. I've had to negotiate a couple of hours alone now....
On Monday and Tuesday night I stayed in the Evesham
Hotel, Evesham. A rather wonderful place, a bit eccentric. Instead
of attaching room keys to a boring bit of bakelite with a number
on it, they use teddy bears. Six inch high teddy bears with an
embroidered room number on his (or her) tummy. All wearing nice
crocheted waistcoats. I had room 19, but to get the key I had
to ask for Ted. My colleague had to get Ermintrude to open his
room.
The Evesham Hotel is just off Waterside, and escaped
all the flooding. Our usual hotel, in Waterside, is expected
to be out of action for 6 months, the shops locally are mainly
boarded up. The tide mark on the shop windows was at head height.
Must have been heartbreaking for all those who lost property
in the floods.
Staying in our hotel on the Monday was BBC TV newsreader
and reporter Michael Buerk, who was obviously filming for 999
Emergency. This week they featured the flooded caravan site at
Abbots Salford (2 miles from my office) where they had to rescue
residents by helicopter. The flood of the Century, said the local
paper.
Anyway, enough of my blethering. what happened last
Monday? I'd better get on and tell you then.
As Ken is about to depart for the Library, Dreary tells
him that it makes sense for her to move out. Ken rejects this,
and suggests she puts last night down to experience.
In the Rovers back parlour, Vera is taking offence
at Jack's new chewing gum habit. As far as she's concerned, "it'll
lead to excessive eating, cream cakes and bloating. And you'll
end up like Elvis!" Jack pleads to be allowed a cigarette
- Vera tells him "I know what you want, get your shirt off
an I'll give you one, that'll steady yer nerves". Jack, missing
the point but taking the double entendre, tells her that he's
not that bad. Alec wonders if he should be hearing this. Vera
hoiks up Jacks shirt, to find a dozen nicotine patches stuck on
his back. "I were desperate" pleads Jack, but threatening
that he might overdose, she starts pulling them off. Ouch!! Sam
arrives to hear Vera and Jack arguing, with comments like "You're
hurting" and "Gerr'em off". Alec grins and tells
her "Don't ask..."
Judeh and Leanne are helping Zoe get ready for the
funeral. Zoe is in self pity mode, doing the you looked after
her for me and I let you down bit. Ashley is out looking for Liam,
and phones in to report back. Judeh and Leanne are rather surprised
at this, but little Miss Petulant insists that he's got a right
to know, cos I say so, OK?
Gail is rushed at the cafe, because Roy is late back
from the wholesalers. Never fear! Auntie Alma is here to don Roy's
pinny. Gail goes off to the funeral, and Alma sits chatting with
Ken. He tells her about his little faux pas with Dreary, but he
is determined that he is right, Dreary needs security, and love
from a man she can trust. Alma sympathises with him, until he
suggests that it's not him that Dreary wants, but Mike.
The funeral cars arrive, Zoe, the only one not wearing
black, is standing in the street smoking. Ashley has found Liam,
but he hasn't come with him. Zoe tries to delay departure hoping
that Liam will turn up, Ashley has to convince her that Liam wasn't
coming, and the mourners there, who loved her, are the ones that
matter.. Zoe, but this time wearing a black jacket, (not the denim
one eh?) admits that "he missed the birth, so I don't suppose
hell mind missing the funeral an all." Zoe and Ashley follow
the hearse in the funeral car, to silent tributes from Leanne,
Nick, Rita, Gary, Judy.
END OF PART ONE
The Ugly Sisters are drinking in the Rovers. La Mouton
is aghast at Dreary's encounter with an amorous Ken. Dreary tells
her how it was awful, I didn't know where to put meself, and the
atmosphere means she needs to move out - perhaps Liz has considered
a lodger? Liz thinks about it for a nanosecond, and agrees it
would be a good idea, they could swap lipsticks and things. Dreary
is excited, to say the least.
Jack comes over in born again reformed smoker mode
to remind Liz how smoking is ageing and bad for the complexion
- gives you wrinkles and crows feet. Liz retaliates by suggesting
that Jack is really only 25. Just to tease Jacks cravings she
blows smoke in his face.
At Steves building site, he still has a shiny blue
helmet. (fnarr fnarr!). In fact he's not the only one working
on the site in spotless clothes, but Gary comes to ask for immediate
work - still wearing his mourning gear! He says that hes been
to the funeral, but now wants to get on with it, get his hands
dirty, and stop thinking about Shannon/Katie.
Fred has enlisted Rita's help in doing the funeral
tea. She comments that she knows the house well, from Mavis's
days, and it was a bit tidier then. Classic Fred line coming up
- "That's young people for you - all scented candle-wax and
pizza boxes. What can you do?". Curly and Sam are there (why?,
you might ask), Curly wonders about Zoe's parents, Fred has no
idea of her history, but "if it weren't for our Ashley I
don't know where she'd be." In the Conservatory, Leanne is
grieving, Gail (another surprising mourner) and Rita try to comfort
her. Rita suggests she takes tomorrow off, she can manage the
papers herself.
Ken comes home from the Library to find three old bags
in the hall. Two of them are Drearys luggage. He thinks she had
intended going before he returned, but she insists she was waiting
for him.
Zoe and Ashley come home, to find the mourners in their
home. Zoe is horrified, even when Ashley explains its traditional
- "we're only doin' right by folk, that's all" adds
Fred. Curly and Sam sense the atmosphere, and make their excuses,
passing comforting words to Zoe as they leave. The little cow
screams Who are you? You never came near this house when my Shannon
were alive, but as soon as there's free booze on the table its
a different story. Fred reiterates that it's traditional, were
just doin' right by folk but Zoe think's its sick, they've only
come round to have a nose, to see if she kept a tidy home, to
see if it were all my fault Ashley tells her that shes wrong,
but she rounds on Fred suggesting that he's splashed out on the
funeral to make himself fell better, having never bought as much
as a rattle when Shannon were alive.
Not content with that, she reminds Leanne and Nick
that their sympathy is misplaced too - they were supposed to be
minding her when she died. Ashley is horrified, and tells her
to apologise. Rita leads Fred away, and Zoe runs out screaming
"get stuffed, the lot o' yer." Gail suggests to Leanne
that she should pack a bag so that she and Nick can have his old
room for a night, but Leanne won't leave Ashley. She wonders how
he would cope - he's sitting in the corner chewing his knuckles
and looking vacant.
In the Rovers, Jack is getting irritable from nicotine
withdrawal - devious Alec sends him off to empty ashtrays. The
mourners come in for a drink. Jim, who was drinking rather than
mourning, asks Judy about Gary. She explains how he's gone round
to the site to start work, Jim likens this to sucking up to the
boss. Judy retorts with cracking line number 2, - "Jim, do
yourself a favour. Take your head out of your backside and start
living. While you've still got the chance."
Jack is clearing up ashtrays, and finds an abandoned
half full packet of fags, which he appropriates into his pocket.
Alma arrives, having been shopping, though not spending as much
as she would have liked to - Firmans pay doesn't stretch to more
than a T shirt or two. Mike suggests that she'd be better off
if she worked for him, he needs someone now Angie's gone. She
asks if she looks like a glutton for punishment, but Mike admits
that he's desperate - so much so that he's thinking of offering
a job to Dreary. Alma is aghast - "Stuff Dierdrie Rachid"
is her instruction.
In Liz's flat, which looks suspiciously like the flat
Dreary had over the bookies, Dreary has unpacked. She also has
a bottle of single malt whisky, which had been intended for Ken
as a thank you, but perhaps now inappropriate. They banter about
house rules - sharing chocolate and booze, but not men.
In the back yard of the Rovers, in the rain, Alec catches
Jack smoking. Gives Alec a chance to use his second good line
- "Jack, you have all the resolve of a nymphomaniac at a
Rugby Club dinner." Alec reminds him of the £50 bet,
which Jack agrees he will pay, as long as Alec doesn't tell Our
Vera. Alec suggests he is in no position to bargain, because he
had caught him smoking. Ah, but it were medicinal suggests Jack,
and promises that that was his last one, and that he's really
given up this time. Alec, sensing further amusement, takes the
umbrella, and goes inside. Jack takes the packet of fags and puts
them in the pigeon hutch - "Dolly, sweetheart, Daddy's got
an egg for you to sit on."
Back in No4, Zoe has realised that Ashley is upset
with her. She repeats that she never asked Fred to see to things,
and he can afford it anyway. Ashley, fighting the tears, tries
to explain the generation gap - Fred wanted to do things right.
Zoe can't understand why Fred did those things when he never liked
her. Ashley says that she humiliated him in front of everyone.
Zoe then accuses Ashley of thinking what everybody else is thinking
- that she's selfish, should have done things differently, then
Shannon wouldn't have died. Ashley denies this, but she goes off
on a tangent of what she would have done for Shannon, so that
she could have turned out like you, not like me. She says she
still dreams about Shannon, can still feel her breath on her cheek.
She doesn't want that to end, she thinks she'll start to forget
her - just like Liam did. I'm sorry, I've got no sympathy for
the whining cow. Ashley comforts her, roll closing credits.
Episode written by Jan McVerry
Dewey
Wednesday 22 April
Dear Update Readers,
Well, folks, two days in Amsterdam followed by five
days in Morocco would, under normal circumstances, warrant a
rather long report right at the beginning, filled to the brim
with local colour, interesting cultural insights and oodles of
sleaze and debauchery. However, listening to others drone on
about their holidays pissed me off no end, and I'm sure you lot
are no different, so I'm going to dispense with the local colour
and the interesting cultural insights and just tell you about
the sleaze and debauchery.
Which means that we can move straight on to the update,
because of sleaze and debauchery there was virtually no sign
at all! I know that certain parts of Morocco - Tangiers especially
- are supposed to be so full of sleaze that they make Sodom and
Gomorrah look like Disneyworld, but I can assure you that the
town where we stayed (Essouira) was as straight, dry and demure
as they come - so much so, in fact, that I felt as out of place
as a tart at a temperance meeting. I think the concierge at our
hotel summed it up nicely. Impressed by the relatively large
amount of reading material that Mark and I had taken with us
for our brief sojourn, he said: "Ah, you are men of literature
and culture, I see! Most English men who come here are interested
in two things only: smoking cheap hashish and having sex with
Arab men. But I sense that you are different!" I nodded
solemnly, turning up my nose in mock disgust. As we climbed the
stairs to our room, Mark said: "What a gem! Little does
he realise that if we'd wanted to spend a whole week smoking
dope and having sex with Arab men, we'd have gone to Brighton
like we usually do!"
So there you have it: for most of the five sun (and
wind) filled days, Mark and I did pretty passable impressions
of man-hating vestal virgins. That's not to say, of course, that
I went around the whole time with "Unavailable" written
on my forehead. And why should I? (Although, naturally, my mother's
words of warning were forever in my ears. "Whatever you
do," she said on the eve of my departure, "do it in
Durex. I don't want you coming home riddled with HGV.")
But the fact remains that neither dope nor rumpeh-pumpeh provided
the rationale behind our decision to holiday in Morocco.
And as Glenda Young and Ruth Carey will gladly attest,
I actually prefer a nice cup of tea and a Gipsy Cream to sex.
(Sex with them, that is. And they feel the same way, honestly.
Don't get me wrong: they're smashing ladies and very gorgeous
too, but they both lack that little bit extra that makes all
the difference.) As it happens, however, there *was* a brief
holiday flingette, and although I can't emulate my old friend
Jane Eyre and conclude by saying "And readers, I married
him", it did end happily. (As they say when someone leaves
CS, 'the door is open for him to return if he wants to.') Ironically,
it wasn't a Moroccan; in fact, even though I was spoiled for
choice considering the number of local hustlers around, I made
sure it wasn't a Moroccan. Well, when you think what happened
to Deirdre when *she* went to Morocco, can you blame me? The
last thing I want is for some Samir lookalike to turn up at the
University, declare his undying love for me, donate a kidney
to my sister, then get mugged and left for dead while walking
along the banks of the Tyne. I'd only get depressed, don huge
specs and outlandish sideburns, start going to singles bars,
meet someone in a uniform pretending to be something he's not
(possibly, knowing my luck, a traffic warden), then get duped
into taking out a mortgage and buying power-showers on a real
traffic-warden's Switch card. You know how these things tend
to snowball inexorably. Then I'd be done for fraud and end up
in the Big House amongst lots of rough men demanding various
unspeakable 'favours'. (Suddenly it doesn't seem like such a
bad idea...) But seriously, who would campaign on my behalf?
Ruth Carey and Glenda Young, standing outside Durham jail with
their "Free CP" posters, each bearing a cucumber logo?
I think not. Anyway, the romantic interest in Essouira came in
the form of Dan, from Peterborough, who was over there for the
surfing. But that's as much as I'm telling. Like most holiday
romances, it's probably doomed to failure now that we're back
in the UK. And anyway, since getting back, I've met someone else
anyway. That's life for you: wait weeks for a number 69 and then
two turn up at once.
Before I get down to the update, let me say how good
it is to be back amongst fellow CS fans. As soon as I got back
to the department, I downloaded RATUCS straightaway and tried
to catch up with all your news. Then, with no further ado, I
checked Mike P's visual updates. They were brilliant, as ever,
and more than compensated for all the episodes I missed while
I was away. (Why, when I think of Mike Plowman, do images of
big wet furry beavers fill my mind? Because he's always as busy
as a beaver producing his wondrous updates of course!) I also
see that the Australian rugby team has been touring the UK, which
means that Ruth Carey has probably had her hands full as well.
(Ruth, incidentally, has just introduced me to a new diet. Called,
ironically, the 'Nil By Mouth Plan', it is based very loosely
on the principles governing oral sex: you can put as much as
you want in your mouth as long as you neither chew nor swallow).
As for Glenda Young, well, what can I say? According to her department,
Glenda has "gone to the Lake District for a week",
which to you and me means that she is in detox again. Let's wish
her all the best; addiction to Dettol is horrendous at the best
of times, but even more so when you're already battling with
other problems - in Glenda's case, chronic kleptomania.
And so on we move to the update - but not before I
tell you what my 11-year old godson, Nathan, told me when he
phoned me to welcome me back. "Apparently," he said,
"when George Michael was arrested, he had a nicotine patch
on his arse." "Yes," I said, ever the joke-ruiner,
"he was trying to give up 'fags'. I heard that one on the
return flight." "Okay," said Nathan, "but
did you hear that they found a chocolate bar up his arse as well?"
"No, " I said, "but go on." "Yes,"
said Nathan, "it was a 'Careless Wispa'." Really! What
*are* they teaching eleven-year olds in school these days?
And now theupdate:
[Caveat: I actually missed this episode, having been
dragged out by Glenda and Ruth for a 'good night out in Sunderland'
- an oxymoron if ever there was one - and in my rush I forgot
to set the video. Glenda lent me hers, but I've only seen it once
and so most of this will be from memory. Sorry, I promise I'll
do better next time]
The episode opens in the Weatherfield equivalent of
Jurassic Park: Liz McDonald's flat, to be precise. Liz has a new
flatmate, Deirdre "I'm innocent and I can't stand fish"
Rachid, the woman who has, singlehandly, turned the humble carrot
into the emblem of liberation par excellence. Liz is enjoying
having Deirdre around, for Deirdre has cooked her breakfast. La
Mouton says she's being spoiled as she usually only has toast.
(Whatever it was she was eating, she hadn't finished her crusts,
so it must be some other source of protein that keeps her hair
curly.) Deirdre is at a loose end, with time to kill, so she offers
to take the vacuum round. La Mouton tells her that it's not necessary,
that she should read a book ("100 Ways with Carrots"?),
watch television ("Airport"?) or take a bath. Deirdre
says that she'd rather be on her feet, and offers to cook tea
for Liz instead. La Mouton smiles graciously, but deep down her
heart sinks as she visualises the probable extent of Deirdre's
culinary expertise: curried carrots; carrots en croute; cheesy
carrots; carrot surprise; carrot stroganoff; and my personal favourite,
a carrot between two buns.
In the Street, Alma, resplendent in a full-length,
off-white French resistence-type mac, knocks at the door of Principles
Palace. Ken, less than resplendent in a baggy lavender pullover,
opens the door. Alma wants to speak to Deirdre, but Deirdre, says
Ken, has flown the nest. "What is she up to?" asks Alma.
"Her four hundreth carrot?" ventures Ken. (Actually,
he doesn't. He just says that Deirdre has moved on, adding something
pretty cryptic about how the reasons for Deirdre's flight are
best left to Alma's imagination).
At this point, Zoe crosses the Street and knocks at
the door of the Malletts. Understandably, she is still shell-shocked
after little Shannon/Babeh Kateh's demise. She wants a photo of
Shannon and reckons that the Malletts must have plenty. She is
right, and Gary gives her one that he took when he, Judeh and
Babey Kateh went to Southport for the day. Zoe admits that the
baby was as much theirs as it was hers, an admission which sets
Judeh off. Judeh and Zoe hug tearfully. When Judeh has regained
her composure, she tries to tell Zoe the news about her pregnancy,
but Gary intervenes, changes the subject, and says that what they
really wanted to tell Zoe was that no-one believed she (i.e. Zoe)
was culpable for Shannon's death.
And so on to Alma's showdown with Deirdre. Well, folks,
the Gunfight at the OK Corral this most certainly wasn't; nor
was it "Carrots at ten paces", as some of us might have
hoped. At the outset, just before the commercial break, Deirdre
wibbles on about how she'd have to thank Mike and Alma by treating
them both to a slap-up meal. With emphasis on the word 'slap',
Alma asks Deirdre whether it would be a meal attended by Mike
and Deirdre alone, or whether she (Alma) would be invited too.
Not the quickest of bunnies, Deirdre fails to pick up on this
barbed comment and continues to sing Mike's praises, unaware that
Alma is boiling inside. "You must have gone through a fortnight
of hell," says Deirdre. "Oh it was longer than that,"
snaps Alma. Deirdre still doesn't get the point. Alma moves on
to the question of Deirdre's recent house move, wondering aloud
why the Drear has decided to move out of Principles Palace. "Oh,
I'd rather not talk about it," says Deirdre, "it's between
me and Ken." (The words 'boring', 'me', 'to' and 'death'
spring to mind, as do 'chronic', 'lack', 'of' and 'carrots', but
she doesn't say this). Alma, eager to get to the point, puts it
to Deirdre that she has moved out of Ken's place because she is
involved with someone else. "Admit it, Deirdre, you are having
an affair with my husband!" says Alma, her lips trembling
and her eyes brimming with tears. As we move into the commercial
break, Deirdre's incredulous face fills the screen, her mouth
an O of unbelief and indignation.
After the commercial break, during which I finally
got to see the hunky new Captain Birdseye for the first time,
the Drear tries to reassure Alma that Mike is nothing to her but
a friend. "What about that kiss in the Rover's?" says
Alma, referring to the near-tonsilectomy that Mike performed on
the Drear shortly after her release from prison. "Oh that
was nothing," says the Drear, "we were just celebrating."
(God knows how she and Mike will 'celebrate' when she's finally
acquitted, that's all I can say). Anyway, Deirdre finally convinces
Alma that she has never harboured any untoward itentions towards
Mike. After all, having just spent two weeks in prison after being
deceived by a man, is she likely to come out and do the same to
Alma? Alma asks the Drear to swear on the Bible that she has not
having an affair with Mike. The Drear says that she would if she
were religious, but is ready instead to swear "on the life
of my dead husband, Samir", which is even more oxymoronic
than a "good night out in Sunderland", but never mind,
we get her drift. And so Alma and Deirdre end their little contretemps
as friends, and not a carrot was thrown in anger.
Jack, for whom giving up the demon weed is proving
nigh on impossible, is out in the yard having a sly fag. Natalie
- the woman who put the sag in Saga - walks out and catches him
redhanded. Jack denies that he is in fact smoking, despite the
ostensibly tell-tale sign of a burning cigarette in his hand.
What he is actually doing, he says, is re-orienting his pigeons,
who seem to have lost their bearings in the absence of cigarette
smoke. Jack says that the pigeons find their bearings by homing
in on him. They are used to his voice, the aroma of his aftershave
["Essence of Skidmark"? "Eau de Dingleberry"?],
the smell of ale, and the pong of cigarette smoke. Dolly Parton,
Jack's prize bird, is taking his new-found abstinence particularly
badly. Natalie says how impressed she is with Jack's 'self-sacrifice',
his willingness to go through the motions of smoking just for
the sake of his pigeons. [I must say here that Natalie needs to
change her foundation, because it clearly isn't covering up what
it's supposed to. Either that or the camera man should eschew
close-ups and pull back a little - Carlisle should be far enough].
Talking of Natalie, there's an awful lot of 'eyes across
a crowded room' stuff going on between her and Des these days.
Tonight they're at it again, obviously heralding a one-night stand
at some point in the future. Shits that pass in the night and
all that. (In Boots the other day, I espied a brand new shampoo
called 'Pump and Spray', which could describe most of the one-night
stands I've ever had, but that's by the by].
Also in the Rovers, Jim 'So It Is' McDonald is endearing
himself to the regulars by bumming drinks off everyone. First
he buttonholes Des, and then Kevin. Jim's penurious situation
has been made worse by BT, who have cut off his phone and thus
severed his links to the DSS, thus hampering his search for work.
Des is sympathetic, Kevin is dismissive. Jim tries to keep up
a proud facade, but as we all know, pride comes before a FALL.
(Oops, have I given it away? Well it won't be the first time...)
Talking of Jim's plight, our Gareh is actually on his
side. We see Gareh at the building site, where he is shovelling
cement. "All this humping is good for my waist," he
says to Steve. (Which is ridiculous, because it it were true,
I'd be a 22 inch waist instead of a 35. But, poetic licence and
all that...). Gareh has obviously been grafting hard because his
yellow helmet is all dusty, while Steve's blue helmet is in pristine
condition. (I wish he'd share his secret with me because I have
awful problems keeping my helmet clean). Anwyay, Gareh is complaining
that he is doing the work of three men, and that they could do
with taking on a fresh pair of hands. Steve agrees, but dismisses
out of hand Gareh's suggestion that they take on Jim to make up
the numbers.
Back at the Rovers, Janice Battersby has reappeared,
back from looking after her sick mum - in the Seychelles, if her
tan is anything to go by. Les is there too, with Greg in tow,
and uses the opportunity to introduce his long lost son - a literal
chip off the old block - to his wife. Janice is incredulous, thinking
at first that Les is winding her up, and is not best pleased when
she realises that he is not bullshitting. She leaves them with
a hearty "Get stuffed!". "I think she likes you,"
says Les to Greg, spot on as usual.
Still at the Rovers, Jack tells the Weatherfield agent
for Global News, aka Natalie, that he is going outside for a bit
to see to Dolly Parton, his prize pigeon. In other words, he's
dying for a fag. (That's a cigarette to our US readers. I once
made the mistake, during a bus ride from Salt Lake City to San
Francisco, of asking the driver to stop so I could 'have a fag'.
He said, "You'll have to wait till we get to Cisco, and then
you can have as many fags as you want." Isn't is wonderful,
being divided by the same language?) Anyway, Natalie tells Alec,
and Alec tells Vera to fetch Jack, on the pretext that some barrels
of beer need humping. Vera duly catches Jack redhanded and lectures
him yet again on the evils of the demon weed, adding that he will
give up smoking if it's the last thing she makes him do. Go Vera!
What a goddess!
And finally, La Mouton goes cap in hand to Steve and
asks him to give Jim a job. "He's got no money, they've cut
off his phone, and he's in a terrible state. Soon they'll find
him on a park bench," she moans. Steve, ever the doting son,
says that even if he could oblige, his father would be the last
person on earth that he'd help.
There was also a short scene between Ashley and Nick,
but given the latter's acting ability, I lost the will to live
half way through and my mind wandered off. The phrase "Time
is a great healer" was uttered, but in what context I've
totally forgotten.
And that, I think, was it. Sorry if I've left some
bits out; blame it on Glenda Young, who made me forget to set
the video in the first place!
As I See It
Not much to report this week on the As I See It front,
apart from the fact that from the few seconds I saw of Tilly,
it's clear that he's more effeminate than ever; so much so, in
fact, that he makes Dale Winton look like Rambo. Tilly is now
so camp that you feel like pitching tents around him and singing
"Kumbaya".
And I know Zoe is distraught, but as my mother says,
"It costs nothing to drag a comb through your hair".
And if she wears that denim outfit much longer, she'll have to
have it surgically removed. Her scene with Judeh and Gareh was
genuinely moving, though, and the best she's acted so far.
And that's it. The only other thing I have to report
is that Glenda Young has gone one step further in her plan to
corrupt me totally by introducing me to IRC. Now before I actually
did IRC, I thought it was just for nerds. Now I know it is! (Actually,
it's great fun, and I actually got to chat in 'real time' to
my update icon, the one and only Mike Plowman. It was like having
an audience with the Pope, the only difference being that I didn't
get to kiss his ring). Another snippet of gossip is that my mother
has joined the Internet age. Actually we've been exchanging emails
for almost a month now. Yesterday she mailed me to complain about
my messages to her. "They're too small," she said.
"What do you mean, too small," I said, "the last
one was four pages long." "No, she said, "I mean
the print is too small. Can't you type any bigger? I have to
squint to read them. You're forgetting I've only got a 14-inch
console." I told her that fourteen inches is enough to console
anybody, but promised to use a larger font next time. Not only
does she send emails, but she also 'strafes the Web'. (If you
knew my mother, you'd realise why 'strafing' rather than 'surfing'
is the right word.) She prides herself on having been thrown
off no fewer than seven newsgroups. (Well, if you mail soc.culture.japan
and type the words ENOLA GAY ENOLA GAY ENOLA GAY all down the
page, you're asking for trouble, whoever you are. It's her way
of growing old disgracefully, but to me it just reeks of incipient
dementia.) She's quite big in uk.adverts.personals, although
she has trouble with the jargon. "I met what I thought was
a lovely man on the Web," she trilled recently. "Lovely,
that is, except for his wound." "What wound?"
I asked, bracing myself for the worst. "Apparently he's
got an 8-inch cut. At least that's what he said. I'm going to
write back and tell him that he runs the risk of septicemia if
he doesn't get it seen to." I toyed momentarily with the
notion of explaining 'cut' and 'uncut', but figured that would
be too much for someone like her to swallow. She'll learn, dear
readers, she'll learn.
I'd better go now, but before I do, I must tell you
that I have received yet another email of complaint from a reader
in New Zealand. (Why, oh why, is it always New Zealand? Is this
a climate thing? Or is it the methane emissions from all those
sheep which turn people's brains to jelly over there?) Anyway,
this person has taken umbrage with me over the way I 'flaunt'
my sexuality and describe my 'sordid sexual exploits' openly.
Well, I never did! I don't remember ever flaunting anything,
at least not in polite company. (And the last thing I *did flaunt
was appreciated considerably by the one to whom I flaunted it;
that's one paper round that *he* won't forget in a hurry!). The
NZ plaintiff concludes by saying that I am a 'dangerous' influence.
Me? Dangerous? Rubbish! As those who know me will gladly attest,
I wouldn't harm a fly. Especially if it were unzipped...
Until next time, hugs,
CP (who is no longer single...although for how long,
God only knows. How do I find replacements so quickly? Well, I
just get down on my knees from time to time. The power of prayer
can be mighty awesome...)
Friday 24 April
Hi there again folks! It's that time of the week again.
Not a particularly eventful week in the Milewczyk
household - the end of the Easter holidays for my wife and son,
so they are back at school and sixth form college respectively.
No lie-ins for them in the mornings, so both come back home absolutely
knackered - the first week back is always the worst. It's also
strange having the house to myself again during working hours.
Working from home has its benefits but there are mental
adjustments to be made periodically, when the family claim their
home back at holiday times and when I claim it back again for
the business when it's term time. At least commuting to and from
work isn't an issue as I can generally control when I see clients
to minimise or even avoid the pain of the rush hour traffic!
It isn't for everyone though, as I can be shut off from the rest
of the world for longish periods, especially if I'm involved
in a lengthy project and it's that contact with people and the
outside world that keeps you sane - well, as sane as I'll ever
be, anyway!
We live on a popular family estate about a mile from
the town centre, just a few minutes away from the Peak National
Park and on the edge of open moorland. There's some great scenery
around and as were half way up a hill, it's ideally placed to
get some exercise in - a good idea if, like me, you're not a
sporty type. When Trude and Simon leave home in the morning,
I tend to put on the walking boots and the cagoul and go for
a quick trog in the hills - around 30 to 40 minutes, if there's
time that day. As I have a cholesterol problem, this has a number
of benefits for me, from a health, relaxation and an enjoyment
viewpoint.
A few months ago, in an effort to get out of the house
more and do something different apart from work (which can be
all-consuming when you work for yourself), I enrolled at night
school to learn German. I have a previous smattering of the language,
but never had formal lessons, so I'm really enjoying the experience
- to supplement the learning process, when I'm out on my walk,
quite often I take my walkman and play a language cassette. I'm
not sure what the sheep in the locality make of this mad Polak,
muttering German while out for a walk in his hiking gear - "the
Happy Wanderer" indeed.
Thanks again, for the appreciative e-mails which continue
to arrive, particularly from North America. I've been on the
net now for about 4 years and for some years prior to that, on
Fidonet. I really enjoy the Internet community, with people sharing
experiences and knowledge. It's an opportunity to talk to people
with common interests and a very enjoyable one at that. Although
I try not to miss an episode of Corrie unless I can really help
it, periodically, it does happen and in that situation it is
great to be able to bring yourself up to date, whether it is
by reading the updates or going to the Visual updates pages.
We give and we take - people do it all voluntarily for the sheer
love of it and that's nice. It takes me about 5 hours or so each
time to knock together an update - no doubt I could do it in
less, but it's largely because I enjoy quoting sections of the
script rather than just describing the action. When I get a moment,
I'm going to look at some voice recognition software, although,
from what I've heard, I suspect that the technology is not yet
at the right stage. Anyway. it's also great fun to swap banter
with the friends we make on the newsgroup. I've not actually
met any of you in person, but do intend to make an effort, time
permitting, should there be something going on in the Manchester
area.
Anyway, in a Corrie week dominated by the aftershocks
following the death of Zoe's baby, Shannon, it's onto business
and Friday's episode, sponsored by Cadbury's TimeOut.
It's morning. Frizzie Lizzie espies ex-hubbie Jim,
aka "Yer Wee Mon" in The Street. She's concerned with
Jim not having a job and his excessive drinking. In an effort
to help Jim get back on the rails, she has been trying to persuade
her son, Steve "Plasticine Head" Hamburger to give Jim
a job. When she sees Jim she tells him to give Steve another try,
"do it for my sake, I can't stand the way things are between
you", she tells him. Ashley walks by and she comments to
Jim "Imagine what it's like in their house now". Jim
reluctantly agrees to see his son and grovel for a job.
We are at Ashley's - Tilley and Mrs Tilley are walking
on eggshells. Zoe is depressed following the death of her baby,
Shannon. Mrs Tilley has taken the day off work - she offers to
make breakfast for Zoe. Ashley comes in off the street. He offers
to stay at home to be with Zoe, but she doesn't mind or care,
either way.
Nick tells Leanne that he's been thinking more about
his father's killer - the prison authorities won't tell him when
the killer is to be released, but having been practically introduced
to the man, he cannot let it drop. Like Blackadder's Baldrick,
he has a cunning plan - he has worked out that he might be able
to find out from the prisoner himself, although it is more likely
through a third party - Leanne, if she were to write to him.
At Baldwin Towers, Lama the Misprint tells Mike that
she's had a word with Deirdre. Reminiscent of the Fawlty Towers
episode where Basil says to Polly "For God's sake, don't
mention the war!", Mike says "Now that's a name I've
been very careful not to mention..... but if you wanna talk about
her that's OK as long as you don't blame me if we have another
row, because it won't be my fault". She tells him that she
accepts she got hold of the wrong end of the stick when she thought
there was something going on and "I'm sorry about that and
if you want to give her a job, fine!" "What's the catch?"
is Smug Git's response. "There isn't one - I'm just saying
that I was wrong, which you never are, but that is the difference
between us 'cos sometimes I am" is her speedy reply. He accepts
her apology. He asks whether Dreary said she wanted the job, but
Lama tells him that she didn't ask - he concludes that she must
do, otherwise how is she going to live.
Nick is telling Leanne that if he were to write to
his father's killer, then his letter is likely to be ignored.
He figures that the best way is for Leanne to write to him to
say that she heard his talk at college and felt sorry for him.
That would be a way to find out when he is to be released. Although
he is not asking her to meet the prisoner, Leanne has reservations
about the plan but cuts short the conversation as she has to get
back to Zoe. They agree to discuss the matter further later in
the day.
Outside the Rovers, Jack has been having a sneaky cigarette
- having finished it he comes inside. Meanwhile, inside, in the
back of The Rovers, Vera is moaning at Alec for smoking - this
is not helping Jack in his quest to give up the dreaded Nick Teen.
"I don't want to help him stop, Vera. Your Jack weak willed
and full of nicotine, I can just about stand. The thought of him
all smug, inviting folk to smell his breath, ugh, no thank you"
is his reply. Jack comes in - Vera accuses him of smoking but
he denies it. Exasperated, she comments that she is unable to
believe a word that Jack says. Alec comments "What are you
talking about? You never could - you can't blame that on cigarettes".
Jack points out that he could give up smoking, but the job gets
in the way and plays the passive smoking card, "working behind
that bar ever hour God sends, breathing in everybody else's flaming
smoke. You see, it wouldn't matter if I stopped smoking or not,
I would still be getting the harmful effects". Vera sees
the truth in the statement, but Alec suggests that Jack wears
a mask, like "the things the wear for cycling through smog,
or directing traffic in Hong Kong". "Give over, I'd
look a right pillock" is Jack's truthful reply. "Well,
yes, you would" agrees Alec. Vera sees a way out of all this
and is the second one today to come up with a brilliant plan -
a "No Smoking Pub". "Oh aye" ridicules Alec,
"why don't we turn it into a no drinking pub, while we're
at it. Cut us throats from 'ere to 'ere instead of halfway".
Vera points out that this has been done in other pubs, but Alec
says that this may be the case "out in Cheshire, where they
eat lettuce and drink carrot juice - not round here. Expect a
fag with the school milk round here." (For the benefit of
North American readers, fag has a slightly different connotation
on this side of the big duck pond!) Jack adds by pointing out
the difficulty of selling cigarettes and then telling people they
cannot smoke them. Alec concludes the chat by saying "this
is all very interesting this description about life on the other
side of the moon, but I've got work to do!" After he leaves
the room, Vera tries to enlist Jack's support should it come to
a vote, but Jack wants to find out first how such a ban is likely
to affect them. Vera doesn't think the effect would be that great
pointing out that, whereas some might not like it, others would
be delighted.
Back at the building site, Frizzie Lizzie has come
to see her son. Gary makes himself scarce. She asks Steve to be
sympathetic if his father were to come looking for a job as it
would mean so much to him, the fact of being given a job by his
son. She begs him to agree for her sake, if not for his father's.
Plasticine Head, wearing his hard hat to protect the soft matter
in his cranium, caves in and agrees, saying "it doesn't look
like I've been given a lot of choice, does it?". Lizzie's
delighted and plants a kiss on Steve - it reminds me, we're clean
out of disinfectant should there be an emergency - and tells him
that she really appreciates his gesture. As she walks away, we
hear Steve muttering "well, let's hope he does"!
Janice has come home and meets Les on his way out for
a lunchtime drink. She feels awkward about Les' revelation of
the existence of his son, Greg. Les, being the thinking man's
Womble, obviously doesn't give the issue (pun unintended) any
great deep thought, but for Janice, it obviously opens up some
insecurities and what it means for them all. She wonders whether
Greg expects to be a part of the family and what Les' feelings
are towards him. Les points out that it doesn't matter what he
feels, the reality is that he is Greg's father. She asks whether
he feels affection for him, but he says that men don't feel like
that, it's different for them. Janice ruefully comments that it
must be "a woman has a baby and she knows about it!"
She pleads for help from Les, but he isn't able to offer much
comfort - Greg arrived, they had some drinks together and got
on well and maybe he'll disappear as fast as he came. Janice then
voices her real concerns, namely, whether Les still has feelings
for Greg's mother, Moira and whether seeing Greg makes him want
to see her. "Why should I?" is Les' unconvincing reply,
"I mean I might have the odd son floating about, but that
shouldn't make any difference to us or this family". Janice
is clearly not sold on the reply.
Smug Git meets Dreary in the pub and asks whether she
is enjoying her freedom. She replies that it could all disappear
as it is only conditional and she could find herself back inside.
"No chance", says Mike, "you want to start thinking
about your future." He asks whether Sunliners would have
D back, but she doubts it because of all the publicity. He puts
his cards on the table and says that he's going to need someone
in the office, now that Angie has gone, someone he can trust,
someone he likes, "so what do you say?" Dreary declines
the offer - she doesn't think it's a good idea, or more to the
point, that Alma wouldn't think it's a good idea. Mike expresses
surprise, after all, he's asked Alma and there is no problem.
It's Drear's turn to express surprise but Mike suggests that she
might like to confirm the position with Alma herself. D tells
him that he has already done enough for her and that any further
help will result in more unfounded gossip. Although Mike says
he doesn't care, she clearly feels she has been discussed enough,
"from now on, I just want a quiet life". She makes her
excuses and leaves behind Mike looking puzzled - he never could
understand women at the best of times and this is one of those
times.
Des is getting the drinks in and Les sneaks in to cadge
a free drink from him. "Cheers Desi, you're a pal" is
his appreciative comment. Vera, who has been serving them, takes
the opportunity to sound them out on her New Idea - the no-smoking
pub. "You're joking" and "I think it's a great
idea, the sooner the better, V" are the widely varying responses
from Les and Des. Les maintains "it's the right of the working
man to have a ciggie with his beer, you stop that and you'll cause
riots". Des tells him that "it's the right of the rest
of us to breathe fresh air", but Les' reply is that "you
can get fresh air outside or on the tops of mountains. You come
into a pub, you expect to do a bit of coughing!", as he puts
a cigarette in his mouth.
Alec overhears Vera's conversation and expresses his
displeasure to Jack. When Jack tells him that it's not his idea
- Alec points out that it's his fault. He should not have come
home and told Vera what the doctor had said, "Why couldn't
you lie to her, as normal"? He tells Jack to put a stop to
Vera's idea, "while there are still some serious drinkers
left in this pub". Jack sighs in frustration.
End of part 1
Nowt of any interest in the adverts, so it's swiftly
onto
Part 2
Gareh has popped home at lunchtime to see Judeh. She's decided
she wants to tell Zoe about the fact that they are expecting their
own behbeh. Gareh is against this, as he thinks they agreed to
keep things quiet until they were over the first few critical
months. Mind you, he's merely a man, so what chance does he have
- she'll have her own way in the end anyway, like all of them
do! Her logic is that it would give Zoe something to think about.
In frustration, Gareh leaves for work. Non-communication of minds
and souls here, yet again.
Jack is telling Vera that he doesn't think the non-smoking
pub idea is a good one. Vera reckons to the contrary - although
some are against it, others are for it. Mike and Lama Baldwin
are at the bar, waiting to be served - Jack tests them. "Would
you still come in here and not smoke cigars because it was a non-smoking
pub?" he asks Mike. "Probably not! But then I often
wonder why I come in here anyway!" is Mike's smart alec response.
Mike then makes to leave. But before doing so, he tells
Lama that he has had second thoughts about giving Deirdre a job,
"I don't want her dependent on me. I don't want her to think
I'll always be here to solve all her problems". Lama looks
surprised and makes a non-committal "It's up to you"
response without trying to look too overjoyed.
The dynamic duo, Les and Des, are propping up the bar.
"So, did Samantha walk out on you, Desi, or did you give
her the elbow?" is Les' starter for ten.
"Can't remember" lies Des.
"Good looking bird" says Les, "where's she staying
anyway?".
Nastily tells them that Sam is stopping with her.
Les' eyes light up. "What, the pair of you together?"
he asks.
"Well, yeah, the last time I looked" replies N.
He moves in for the kill, "You wanna invite me and Desi round
- we'll bring a takeaway".
My word, this guy really is a smooth operator!
"Make a night of it!" he continues.
"Yeah, I'll have to check me diary on that one, Les"
says a worried Nastily.
He pays for the beer.
"You'd be up for that won't you Desi, me and you sorting
them two out, eh?"
"You're a trier Les, I'll give you that" is Des' response.
"Eh, you've gotta be, mate. Weyhey!"
Kevin orders a drink - Vera serves. Yer Wee Mon joins
him and offers to buy him a drink. He's tells him he's got his
Giro through this morning, but there is an ulterior motive in
buying the drink - he's going to be asking him for a job "so
I am"!
Judeh is at Zoeh's - Leanne is asking whether Zoe needs
anything from the shops. After she's gone out, Zoe says that it's
a shame they all didn't watch Shannon the way they are watching
her. Judy says it's only because they care about her. She then
tells Zoe her news, that she's going to have a behbeh and that
she's welcome to come and help her and Gareh to look after her
- or him - whenever she wants, like they helped her to look after
Shannon. Judeh says that she thought it might help her to know,
but looking at Zoe, we all get the feeling that it doesn't.
Kevin is quizzing Jim as to his future job intentions,
whether he is giving up the building game for good or whether
he wants to work for him until something turns up. He tells him
that he doesn't want to take him on one day and find him brickying
the next day. Jim tries to reassure him by staying that he will
stay with him for as long as Kevin will put up with him. Kevin
asks jokingly whether Jim has any references and Jim tells him
that " as a matter of fact I have one from Damon Hill and
his brother William" (For overseas viewers, William Hill
is the name of a national chain of bookmakers - as in gambling,
not literary books). Kevin laughs "OK, you start Monday"!
While Les goes to the toilet, Nastily comes over to
Des.
" Can you tell your friend that I've checked me diary and
I just haven't got a night free!" she tells him.
"I think it was Samantha he had his sights set on" is
Des' response.
"Oh really, " she says, her voice picking up, "so
I'd have been left with you. Well, I'll just have to check again,
won't I, .... Desi?" as we hear the twang of bra-straps and
knicker elastic strumming, being tuned up in the distance.
Ken and Lama in the pub - she tells him that Mike has
told her he won't be giving Dreary a job in case "she becomes
too dependent on him". "Do you believe that?" is
Ken's cynical reply. Lama says that she is keeping an open mind.
She asks whether it would worry Ken if D became too dependent
on him. He says no, but what would worry him would be if he became
too dependent on her.
Vera comes over and asks them what their opinion would
be if The Rovers became a non-smoking pub. Ken replies that he
would think she was being very brave. Lama explains that there
would be nobody in the place. Vera tries to point out the benefits
- fresh air and no dirty ashtrays, but Lama says that they would
be standing in the pub on their own.
When Alec serves them with their drinks, Ken tells
him that he cannot believe that he is behind the non-smoking initiative.
Alec has clearly had enough and demands an immediate word with
Vera. Alec and Vera go through to the back of the pub - Jack has
been having a quick drag. Vera susses what's being going on.
Alec lays it on the line, "Now listen, can I just
say to both of you. When I put my money into this place, I wasn't
putting it into a Salad Bar or a Health Farm, but into a pub,
where folk can smoke and drink and pay for the privilege. Now
if you want to stop him smoking, the best of luck to you, because
quite frankly, the state of him sometimes, he gives us healthy
smokers a bad name. But I'm telling you now, Vera don't try and
change this establishment in the process! Right?"
Vera comes back with "Well there's a lot of folk agree with
me."
Alec asks how many, suggesting "fifty percent?"
Vera "yes, I suppose so".
Alec "Well there you are.. You see we'd lose half us custom"
He then forces a vote to keep The Rovers a smoking pub and Jack
lamely agrees.
Having won, Alec says to Vera "now whatever you
do with him and I personally don't care if he smokes, doesn't
smoke or bursts into flames, but can we have an end to these daft
ideas" and then storms out. Vera is angry and tells Jack
that Alec seems to think he owns the pub and them as well, but
Jack says that Alec is right - they'd be bankrupt within a week
if they stopped smoking in the pub. Vera tells him that she is
just trying to stop Jack smoking, but Jack says that maybe that
is a waste of time as well - when she came in, yes he was smoking,
yes he will be smoking tomorrow and the day after, "because
Vera, that's what I am, a smoker and when we first got married,
I was smoking. So you've got no complaints." The scene ends
with Vera looking upset and concerned.
Leanne and Nick are discussing Nick's plan for her
to write to his father's killer. She asks why he cannot write
the letter but under a girls name, but he wants to make the letter
authentic as "blokes just don't write the stuff girls do".
He gets angry because it's clear Leanne doesn't want to co-operate.
Back chez Ashley's, he is with Zoe, who is upset. Leanne
and Nick come in and beat a diplomatic retreat. Ashley is trying
to calm down Zoe - he is telling her that Judy would not have
wanted to upset her on purpose, but Zoe is having none of it.
She is convinced that Judy wants her to know that "she's
gonna be the one with the baby. Mine's dead and hers is gonna
be alive". (Think this is where Judeh flunks her Psychology
degree!) Ashley tells Zoe that she mustn't look at it this way,
but Zoe cannot see any other way of looking at it because "he
came across here to tell me, after all that's happened. Me taking
Shannon back. She's gonna be the one that's won."
Leanne is trying to talk through what Nick has in mind
and how long the correspondence would continue if she were to
write to the killer. Nick replies that it would continue until
he tells them when he is due to be released. Leanne agrees to
Nick's request but says he will have to help her write the letter.
Jack comes through to the back of The Rovers. Vera
is upset and wants to have a word. She only wants him to stop
smoking because she cannot bear what might happen to him if he
doesn't. Jack feels that the risks are being exaggerated, but
she doesn't see it that way. He could end up having both his legs
off or dying from lung cancer. Jack ridicules this - he could
get knocked down so there's a risk in going out of the house.
Vera says that she doesn't care what happens to the customers
if they smoke, but he is her husband - they have spent their lives
together, she doesn't want to end her life pushing him around
in a wheelchair or watching him die in agony. Jack realises the
strength of Vera's feelings and resolves to give up smoking. Vera
is touched by this and kisses him.
We are the building site - Yer Wee Mon has strolled
up. Gary is working at ground level. Jim asks where Steve is.
Gary replies that "he is up top somewhere" and offers
to get him, but Jim says not to worry, he will get him himself.
Leanne and Nick are discussing the letter and how the
killer should be addressed. As this is the first letter, Nick
thinks it should be formally addressed to "Mr Whateley".
Jim has climbed up the scaffolding on the building
site and comes alongside Steve, who tells him that he shouldn't
be there. Jim is here to tell him "that your charity is no
longer required". Jim explains that Steve was clearly expecting
him, to grovel "for some poxy wee job. Well, I'm awful sorry
to disappoint you. I know you were looking forward to a good laugh,
but you see, I've got myself sorted out now, so I have".
When Steve tells him that his mother had been round earlier asking
Steve to give Jim a job, Jim tells him that it was nothing to
do with him. Steve tells him that he is pathetic, that he cannot
even ask for a job for himself. The argument escalates and Steve
tells him that he fed up with everyone going on about "poor
old Jim, when it really should be drunken, feeling-sorry-for-himself
Jim". Jim's fuse snaps and he lunges at Steve. They grapple.
Then Steve pushes his father away - Jim falls backwards..... and
falls off the scaffolding into some rubble in a skip on the ground.
Steve looks down in shock and amazement. His father is lying,
motionless, in the skip, face up. The camera moves in for a close-up
- blood is pouring from Jim's face .......
Cue music and credits
Episode written by Peter Whalley
Script Copyright ITV Television
So, how was it for me? Well, some wonderful dialogue
and acting in a couple of the storylines, the main one being
the Smoker Jack saga, especially between Alec and Jack. Both
are fine actors and we have seen some wonderful comedy from them
in this storyline. Some touching scenes with Vera, showing she's
not all mouth and despite her lively and stormy relationship
with Jack, the depth of their feelings comes through and her
concern on the risks of heart disease is self evident. As I mentioned
earlier, I have a cholesterol problem, so the scenario here very
much hits a raw nerve for me.
A mention for Les Battersby - he is one of life's
scallywags, reminiscent of Jack Duckworth and Stan Ogden. A rogue
and a chancer, but you can't help liking the guy. Wonderful,
hopeful chatup scene!
We are continuing to see Zoe's mental state sliding
and, for a young actress, she is portraying her precarious state
very well. Ashley, again, showing concern and a maturity beyond
his years.
Negatives? Tilley appears to specialise in "grimace"
visuals whatever and, although, he's a good looking lad (if you
like that sort of thing), he doesn't seem to be able to get across
the depths of emotions required of the storyline.
But, of course, the drama of the night is Jim and
Steve's heavily fuelled resentment towards each other coming
to the boil, with tragic consequences.
And that's about it for now - see you same time, same
place, a week from now. Take care now....
Alan
Sunday 26 April
Apologies for the late arrival this week. No excuses,
just a bit disorganised lately. Busy weekend, partly spent watching
No1 son play footie for his Cub team and miss out on victory
by a mere 2 minutes - late equaliser from the opponents who went
on to stick another 3 in the net during extra time. Suggestions
that their number 8 was not far short of shaving daily were probably
just sour grapes ! Aren't over-protective parents terrible ?
I like to think we're living life with our kids, not through
them. Perhaps I'm just old-fashioned. What do you mean, where's
my cardie and slippers ?
I'd love to know where the lad gets his sporty genes
from. (Perhaps I should look to the milkman...) I had to be dragged
onto every sports field kicking and screaming, games teacher
after games teacher seemed to think I could be cured by ensuring
I was the one at the bottom of every rugby scrum (down, CP, down
!). My parents got too fed up with me kicking around the house
and frog-marched me to the nearest public golf course that was
just opening, paid for half a dozen lessons and an old set of
clubs, and that was me for the next 5 years. Never anywhere else.
Bet you didn't know humans shouldn't be capable of playing golf
well ? Read a scientific study once, they reckoned the allowable
errors were too small and the brain-eye- limb reaction time not
fast enough, but that says more about scientists than human beans,
I reckon. After all, they think bees can't fly. No-one told the
bees.
Apparently humans can't live above 8000m either. If
you have Web access, I can highly recommend a look at http://www.independent.co.uk,
where you'll find a journalist posting a diary every other day
or so from an Everest expedition. The stories and the pictures
are just excellent - so much better than reading a book written
months after the event. It's a rather strange feeling reading
something like this knowing there's a very real chance that each
diary entry might be the last. Can't wait to see the IMAX Everest
film when the cinema in Bradford re-opens.
What else is new ? Oh yes, pass out last week to go
see "Jackie Brown". Also highly recommended if you
like Tarantino's style. Not highly recommended if you don't like
having your knees jammed up against a cup-holder for two and
a half hours. Virgin cinemas - hmm, something a little lacking
in the quality department, Mr Branson. I'll have to have a word
with Mr Plowman and see what he can do. "Oi ! Branson !
NO !!!"
And so to Weatherfield, where we tune in to see what
has happened to Big Jim after his free dive off the scaffolding...
Act 1
Our mon is unconscious on a stretcher, being rushed into casualty.
The doctor questions Steve, who tells him Jim is his father, but
that he didn't actually see the accident [No he's not talking
about Steve's birth, or should that be switch-on ?] As ever, Steve's
eyeballs are focused everywhere but on the person he's talking
too, and his hand nervously cradles his chin constantly. I thought
you had to get some sort of qualification to be an ac-tor ?
In the backroom of the Rovers, Jack is shovelling the
most enormous fry-up down his neck. Vera is not impressed. She
reminds Jack what he most likes doing after a meal. "Give
over, not with people about !", says Jack, spying Samantha
lurking in the doorway. Vera insists on hanging about to make
sure he's not about to light up. [Tch, not even a fart, in the
privacy of his own room ?]
Zoe is sitting on Ashley's couch - she has not abandoned
the evil weed. She is puzzled over how Judy can have become pregnant
when she was supposed to be, you know, not all working downstairs.
[How little Zoe knows - some of the biggest collections of sprogs
I know belong to people who "couldn't". Some sort of
internal log jam clears, and whoosh, there's 4 along at once,
like No37 buses.] We knew Judy should have said nowt, don't we
? ["Judy, Judy, Judy," ohh I'm going to get this wrong,
Cary Grant ?] Any road, Ashley is returning to the shop, but he
insists that Zoe go with him.
Jack is on his way out of the Rovers when he is accosted
by Des, who inquires after Natalie. Jack responds with one of
his excellent lines, which I think we'll find at the end, gentle
readers. Vera calls Liz through from the back, where there is
a phone call for her. It's the zombie, at the hospital. Liz looks
shocked at the news.
In the emporium, Ashley is instructing Zoe in the fine
art of stacking shelves. He has to leave to go to the cash'n'carry,
will she be alright in the shop ? Maud is also there - she tells
Zoe that work is important, "It gets you out of the house,
out of yourself". Zoe wonders if anyone would ever offer
her a real job. She tells Maud that she will be OK on her own
while Maud is having her tea break in the back. Des enters, to
buy a 4-pack. After a brief attempt at some small talk, he pays
for the beer and leaves. Zoe puts the money in the till, and then
hesitates as she goes to shut the cash drawer. There's no need
to spin this out, because we know what's going to happen, and
sure enough, £40 finds its way into her back pocket.
At the hospital, a policeman [yep, they do look young]
is talking to Steve. You wouldn't believe how shifty Steve looks
now, but the PC's suspicions are not aroused. He wants to know
whether Jim had been drinking. Apparently, he had a bottle of
whisky with him. Steve decides that he might as well be the one
to grass Jim up, and tells the policeman about his Dad's drink
problem. As Liz arrives, Steve asks the policeman not to mention
the drinking. Liz is immediately curious as to why the police
are already involved. The PC tells her it is strictly routine
- a man has been seriously injured. Liz tells Steve that she has
not been able to get in touch with Andy, who is currently undergoing
psychiatric evaluation for the effects of extreme proximity to
bad acting. No he's not, he's in Spain. The PC asks if anyone
actually saw Jim at the building site, and learns that Gary had
had words with him. Before leaving, the policeman advises Steve
to make sure nothing is touched at the site before the Health
and Safety people arrive. Steve rubs his chin another couple of
hundred times, before making his excuses and leaving. Liz looks
a little suspicious of how quickly he wanted to be off.
Intermission
Dawn French tells us how they're not Terry's chocolate oranges,
they're *hers*. Quite like that one. Chocolate - one of those
things that just's perfect as it is. [See the Cadbury's
web site for interesting info on one of our national obsessions
and a look behind the scenes at how they filmed the short animated
chocolate-people scenes that bracket the show. Try not to dribble
on the keyboard like me, though.] Then we get some abomination
from Hellman's Mayonnaise showing someone eating fish and chips,
and dipping the chips into the mayo !! Aarrrggghhh. Nasty foreign
habits [shudder]. I first saw this in Holland, yuk. Let's not
dwell on what else I first saw in Holland. Hint: also yuk.
Another of those financial services ads rounds off
the commercial break, this one sending up Morris dancers. I am
minded of a sig quote I saw somewhere amongst the 27000 newsgroups
along the lines of "You should try everything once - except
incest, and Morris dancing". I ought to attribute this,
but I can't remember the poster's name. If you're out there -
like it.
Act 2
Back in the shop, Maud is getting ready to go home. She tells
Zoe that she will always be welcome to come and help out. Zoe
actually manages a small act of kindness as she wheels Maud out
to the waiting taxi. Ashley is cashing up while this is going
on. He looks puzzled, and Zoe asks if anything is the matter.
When he tells her the till is £40 short, she immediately
implicates Maud, telling Ashley that she gets confused easily
[obviously a rush of blood to the head earlier]. Ashley says to
let it pass this time, and gives Zoe some more money, by way of
wages. She looks guilty. There is some hope.
Nick and Leanne are discussing the letter she has written
to thingy in prison [black mark, forgot to make note of his name].
Zoe and Ashley return, and Zoe asks Leanne if she'd like to go
out for the evening. They seem to be mates again. Ashley hands
over yet more money, telling them to have a really good time.
[S'funny how the characters always have a convenient amount of
folding money stuffed in a back pocket at times like this, isn't
it ? Whenever I open my wallet, I usually find it only contains
a wodge of credit card slips, ATM advices, and an expired train
ticket.]
Steve and Gary are at the building site. Steve is telling
Gary, as he has told everyone, that no-one saw Jim fall. Gary
maintains that he didn't think Jim was all that drunk. They climb
up and look at the spot where Jim fell off. Steve suggests there
might be something greasy on the planks [fine way to talk about
fellow actors !] as they put a missing piece of scaffolding back.
I wonder what the HSE inspector will find by the time Steve has
finished his creative work here ?
Back in the Rovers, Samantha is telling the regulars
about Jim's accident. Jack arrives, with a pipe ! He makes all
the right supping motions with his bottom lip as he tries it out
for size, telling Vera that he looks like a sophisticated gentleman.
"A right prat", she replies. "Yes, but a sophisticated
prat", adds Martin. Samantha threatens to leave if he dares
light it up.
Meanwhile, that bag of rampant hormones, Des Barnes
has turned up at Natalie's house to find her rubber-gloved trying
to unblock the sink. Our hero is soon to be seen on his back,
but under a kitchen cupboard is a bit of a squeeze for rumpy-pumpy.
[Hey, says Mrs L, they're our kitchen units. They are, too.] Natalie
offers Des a beer for helping out. Oh yes, he'd originally come
round for a chat, by the way. Hmm. They have a rather uninvolving
discussion about Sam, her husband, Sam's behaviour, Des' reputation.
He tries to convince us that he's wounded by it all, but I wasn't
taken in. Soon, he holds Natalie's hand and makes her promise
to shoot him if she sees him looking love-struck again. [Should
be about 20 minutes at this rate.]
Jack is still trying to convince Vera that taking up
a pipe would be a good thing. He tells her of the marvellous aromas
available. "If I wanted aromas", she says, "I'd
buy some perfume, or some lavatory cleaner". "Stuff
you buy, can't tell the difference", mutters Jack. He mentions
Spider's herbal tobacco, but Martin advises against it. Instead,
he suggests hypnotherapy. Vera thinks this is a brilliant idea,
she'd like him hypnotised so that whenever she clicks her fingers,
he'll have to "prove himself as a man". Jack tells everyone
not to let Vera near a pair of castanets !
Des is still chatting up ^h^hto Natalie, now they are
going on about lonely people in bars. Zzzz. Natalie looks at her
watch [subtle !] and tells Des that she has her own reputation
to think of and she doesn't want Sam arriving to find the two
of them sharing a cosy chat together. They agree to be mates.
I think that's "mates" in the informal sense and not
the physiological manner. As Des goes to leave, he attempts to
plant a friendly kiss somewhere in the region of her laughing
gear. Smart Natalie turns her head to ensure he meets her cheek
instead. [All a bit dull this, but it gives me the opportunity
to stick my neck out a little and proclaim myself a Natalie supporter.
I think she's had a bad press and all this Nastily stuff is looking
a bit extreme now. Plus, she appeared on "This is Your Life"
a couple of months back when her hubbie got done, and they seemed
a really nice, unaffected, couple. I'm just an old softie at heart.]
The wild children are out, and Nick is talking to Ashley
about Zoe. He thinks Ashley fancies her rotten. Well done, Nick,
only about 3 weeks behind the rest of the planet. Ashley says
she has a different side under the hard exterior. Nick wonders
if she sees Ashley as a father figure. This is the cue for the
door to crash open, and Leanne and Zoe stagger in, much the worse
for wear. Ashley volunteers to make some black coffee for them,
and Leanne goes to follow him to thank him for their night out.
Zoe pulls her back, saying he'd only be embarrassed. In reality,
she doesn't want Ashley to twig just how much money they must
have spent.
Back at Weatherfield General, the doctor is telling
Steve and Liz that there is a chance that Jim might be brain-damaged,
or he may stay in a coma. The scene closes as a nurse changes
the barrel on the big man's intravenous beer drip.
And that's your lot.
This episode was written by David Lane.
A bit dull, all in all. Perhaps we're expecting too
much after the high drama of the last few weeks. Perhaps it's
too much of the undead as Steve wriggles about trying to avoid
any suspicion he might have had anything to do with Jim's accident.
What's going on with Des and Natalie ? Does anyone care ?
About the best we can say is that Jack and Vera are
back to their top-form sparring. It must be fun writing for these
two - they're a classic comedy husband-and-wife in the best tradition
of British telly. Shame this is not going to last forever.
Overall rating (out of 5 stars): **1/2
Best line: Jack tells Des "If I showed any interest
in Natalie's whereabouts, Vera wouldn't just stop me smoking,
but breathing as well."
Best scene: Tempted to say the closing credits. Perhaps
Jack and his pipe instead.
Ciao, John
Monday 27 April
We open in the flat above the salon, where Fiona is
attending to Morgan's morning requirements. Steve enters, half
dressed. He's wavering between blaming himself for Big Jim's accident,
and blaming Jim's drinking. He suggests that if he had given Jim
a job first time he asked, then he'd not have had the accident.
Fiona tries to convince him that it was all Jim's fault, and he
shouldn't blame himself. But of course, Fiona doesn't know that
Jim and Steve were scrapping at the time. He goes off to check
on the site before he goes to the Hospital.
Fred, I say Fred, arrives at the shop door, to be met
by a request from Ashley to mind the shop while he takes some
aspirin over to Zoe, who, it will be remembered, was out on the
p*ss with Leanne the night before. Ashley says that she's been
'up all night with a headache', Fred retorts that 'it's not one
that'll be cured by a couple of aspirin, I say you'll not cure
it with a couple of aspirin'. He goes on to say that Zoe needs
to be kept occupied, it won't do her any good staring at four
walls and grieving. Apparently, when his wife, Auntie Sybil, died,
he occupied himself by dressing chickens - he had Class A chickens
stacked to the ceiling. Ashley thinks that Zoe is getting better,
but Fred says again that he's got to find things for her to do
- 'give 'er a shammy and point 'er at them windows'. They agree
that Zoe ought to help out in the shop.
Gary's off to work, Judy is seeing him off from the
doorstep. He wonders about checking with Fiona for any news of
Jim, but Judy thinks that Steve will tell him all he knows. Gary
reminds her that nobody knows because nobody saw - is he beginning
to doubt the version he's heard? Anyway, the Health and Safety
Inspector is coming, so he'll keep out of the way. Judy is going
to the Ante Natal Clinic later, so they joke about the idea that
they might even say it's twins.
Zoe has obviously agreed to the idea of working in
the shop, she says 'it'll be nice, just the two of us'. Ashley
puts her right - today will be proper work, not like yesterday;
keeping shelves full, serving people, mopping up after they close,
and so on. Zoe actually seems to be interested in working.
Back in Intensive Care at Weatherfield General, Steve
arrives to find Liz at Big Jim's bedside. There's no further news
on his condition, and Steve is starting to fear the worst. Liz,
however, has decided that there will be a miraculous recovery,
and that he'll soon come round and be straining to get off the
bed. Has she been visited by Pope Ivy in the night I wonder? Liz
can't understand why Jim was on the site in the first place, why
was he climbing up scaffolding on a building site where he doesn't
even work? Steve, defensively, tells her 'Mum, I've told you,
I'm not going over it again', and escapes the Spanish Inquisition
by going to get her a cup of tea.
It must still be mid-morning, because Sam and Natalie
are preparing the bar for the lunchtime session. Sam tells her
that Des was in last night, looking for Natalie. Sam is a bit
suspicious, but gives the impression that she doesn't care if
Des and Nat are heading towards itemhood. Vera happens by, carrying
the Yellow Pages. They help her select an entry in the 'Hypnotherapy'
section. Natalie suggests that they're all a con, but Vera rejects
this because 'they've all got letters behind their name'. 'Well',
says Nat, 'you can't say fairer than that'. Sam selects the one
- Magenta Savannah. Vera runs the name around her tongue and is
suitably impressed. (But what letters has she got after her name
then Vera?).
A breathless Jack comes up from bottling up in the
cellar. Has he been smoking? Vera thinks so, and tells him that
'you've had your last cigarette, Jack Duckworth, and you're gonna
be cured, like it or not!'
In the shop, Ashley is teaching Zoe most of what he
knows about retail management. Stock doesn't come out until it's
priced, because people buy more if they know how much it is. So,
while Zoe learns how to use a price label gun, Ashley attends
the till. Fiona comes in with Morgan, and asks for dried baby
milk. There's no way Zoe would have heard that, but Ashley calls
over 'can you get that, Zoe?', who then goes to get the correct
item from out the back. Fiona makes the baby connection, and regrets
asking for it. She apologises to Zoe, who seems quite unfazed
by it anyway. While Zoe coos over Morgan, Fiona does the 'are
you all right, how are you bearing up?' bit.
Back at the hospital, Liz is having her doubts about
Steve's version of events, or non-events. 'You did see him, didn't
you?' - 'well, what if I did', says Steve, defensively again.
He tells her that Jim had come to tell him about the job he'd
got with Kevin. Liz asks whether he had been drinking, which Steve
confirms, and then tells her that he was surprised Jim managed
to get up the ladder. Once again, he wriggles out of an awkward
situation, by going off to the site to see the Health and Safety
Inspector.
We're back at the shop again, and Ashley is serving
a customer who pays for goods worth UKP16.58 with a twenty. Zoe
answers a ringing phone, and then calls Ashley to take the call.
He asks her to take over with the customer's change - 'sixteen
pound fifty eight out of a twenty'. It seems as if we are supposed
to believe that Zoe gives UKP16.58 change instead of UKP3.42.
Actually, she grabs a large handful of coins, puts them in the
customer's hand saying 'seventeen pound, one, two, three'. Very
sloppy. And then, seeing the customer (or rather, Ashley) has
left the twenty pound note on the counter, she clears the till
display, and puts the twenty in her shirt pocket. But who is this
just a-coming through the door? Why, it's Uncle Fred, who has
seen this occurrence. Zoe smiles weakly, knowing she's been caught
red-handed.
END OF PART ONE
At the building site, Steve is reattaching the suspect
scaffolding just where Jim fell. Although the accident was the
previous day, and the HSE [The Health & Safety Executive -
Graham] are due soon, nobody seems to have remarked on
the missing section. He looks around furtively.
Audrey arrives at the Rover's bar, needing a large
gin and small tonic. Kevin is moaning that he's worked too hard
today, as his new hired help, Big Jim McDonald, didn't turn up.
Audrey jokes that Jim must be missed here too - profits down already?
Kevin didn't know about Big Jim's accident, and now regrets calling
him all names under the sun, in his absence. 'That'll teach you',
says Audrey, 'you shouldn't jump to conclusions'. Changing your
name to Mrs Kettle, eh Audrey?
Vera comes into the bar, looking for Jack. Sam says
he's attacking the graffiti in the Gents. Vera storms over determined
to catch him smoking, which it seems is the case. When she's dragged
him out of the Gents she tells him that she has spoken to Magenta
Savannah, or her answering machine at least, and she wants him
where she can find him when she rings back.
Uncle Fred is working the till in the shop, and when
he has the till open for a customer he slips £20 in from
his own pocket. Calling to Zoe to let the tea mash a bit (as a
reason to defer her reappearance in the front of the shop) he
tells Ashley that perhaps it's a bit soon to let Zoe have the
run of the till. If she loses one bag of flour that's one thing,
but giving the wrong change from a twenty is another. He suggests
that if cashing up were to prove a deficit, then just asking Zoe
if she'd made a mistake, would, with the state of her mind, be
a bit dangerous. Ashley agrees that she should be relieved of
till duties. Zoe arrives with the tea, leaving Ashley to explain.
Before Ashley can explain, Zoe goes offensive -'he thinks I've
got me hands in t'till. So are you goin' to sack me?' 'No' says
our Ashley, but because she's officially unemployed 'we've got
to be careful what comstitutes as a job and what comstitutes as
helping out' (Yes, comstitutes). They agree that she can continue
in the shop, but not use the till.
HSE are just leaving the site. They've all got clean
helmets, as have Steve and Gary. Gary asks after Jim, and learns
that there's no change, indeed he might never regain consciousness.
Steve goes off to the hospital.
Jack is playing at being a customer. He's got his pint
and his pipe, sitting in a booth. Vera snatches his pipe and smashes
it on the table. Jack is horrified - 'what am I gonna do now,
woman, that was my lifeline!' Vera tells him that Magenta Savannah
has just phoned, they've had a good chat, and 'she wants you on
her settee the day after tomorrow.' Jack says that he won't go,
but Vera insists that as they have never bought a decent death
policy, then Jack is worth more to her alive than dead.
Des comes in, and Sam suggests to Natalie that she
can now find out what Des wanted her for the previous evening.
Des makes up some story about wanting her advice on buying new
carpets - that was her former family business. 'You get what you
pay for, Des' says Natalie, with a sideways glance at Sam. I think
she's trying to say that Sam's cheap, and she's a bit classier.
When he learns that she's off at five, he invites her to the pictures,
then back to his house. 'Eurgggh', says Natalie, 'with your threadbare
carpets? The date is on.
Vera can't find Our Jack. Natalie tells her that 'he's
just gone out'
In the shop, Zoe is serving Audreh, while Emily loiters
at the counter. Audreh starts to sympathise over Zoe's loss of
Shannon. Emily seems to sense that Audrey is being tactless, and
tries to hurry her out. Zoe, of course, can't open the till, so
Emily has to pay three pounds fifty in exact money for Audrey's
goods because Audrey only has a note.
As Emily drags Audreh away, Judy arrives. Up to now,
Zoe has bitten her tongue, but now accuses Judy of coming in with
the sympathy bit. Judy denies this, and says that she's just been
to the Ante Natal clinic. Zoe expects that she told all the nurses
about Shannon dying, and that how they all thought that it would
happen because she couldn't look after her properly. Judy denies
all this, and reiterates that people care about her, people want
to help her.
Zoe is adamant that whatever Judy has said, her real
reason for coming to the shop was to check that Zoe hadn't told
anyone of her pregnancy. 'It's not like that' wails Judy, but
Zoe insists that 'it is, Judy, I know what you're like'. 'Well,
it's my baby, and my business.' 'I know, and I don't care about
it, so why would I tell anyone - it's got nothing to do with me.
Now get out. You're all t'same.'
Judy leaves, just as Ashley arrives with a box of chocolates
- 'your favourites'. Surprise, surprise - they're Cadbury's Dairy
Box.
Jack's disappearance is explained - he's in the Kabin
justifying to Rita why he's buying a pack of cigarettes. It's
because he's cutting out scientifically. He's cutting down on
his intake. He senses Vera entering, who soon sees that he's buying
cigarettes. 'What am I going to do without you, Jack, when all
there is of you is a puff of smoke coming out of a crematorium
chimney? He gives in, and exchanges his purchase for a packet
of Extra Strong mints - not a Cadbury product! 'Oh, you're lovely,
Jack' says Vera, hugging him. 'Yes, I know' says Jack, 'I just
hope Magenta Savannah is'.
Des and Natalie arrive at Des's after the cinema. She
thought it was a boring film - reference to a man with a green
face suggest that they perhaps had been to see Mask. Still showing
at the cinema? Des suggests that next time the see a more romantic
one. Natalie, who obviously is as cheap as Sam, moves closer to
him while saying that 'we don't need to go to the pictures for
a bit of romance. Love Rat Barnes pulls away from her! He says
he doesn't want anything heavy! Then he invites her to a football
match on Wednesday, so he'll make her a coffee and walk her home.
'That'll be a thrill' says Natalie, who had obviously been anticipating
red wine and rumpeh-pumpeh.
Zoe leaves No4, and chances on Emily outside the salon.
'Hello, Zoe, going for a walk?' 'I'm goin' t'Chippy, any objections?'.
Emily starts to apologise for Audreh's tactlessness, but that
they're all thinking about her, indeed St Emily prays for Shannon
each night. Zoe rejects all ideas of support and tells Emily never
to pray for her baby again. Zoe gets more and more unpleasant,
and screams at Emily. Emily says she's sorry to upset her, and
moves forward as if to cuddle her. 'Don't you ever pray for my
baby, you leave her to me. Well go on then, get down on your knees
and pray now. Well if your god's any use then he'll listen won't
he? Tell him to bring my Shannon back.' As she delivers this last
line she slaps St Emily across the face.
Gary, who is just leaving the Rover's, witnesses this
and runs over. He pulls Zoe off Emily and tells her to calm down.
Emily stands there, astounded.
CUE CLOSING CREDITS
Episode written by Catherine Hayes
Dewey
Wednesday 29 April
Dear Update Readers,
Talk about 'keeping up with the Joneses'? All it takes
is for one person to go on holiday and then everyone else follows
suit - and RATUCSers and update readers are no exception.
For no sooner had I returned from a week of water
sports in Morocco than half of the people on RATUCS and the update
lists decided that they too would take a break from the hurly-burly
of life and let down their hair a little. Take Mike Plowman,
for instance, who skived off work last week to "take the
kids" to Alton Towers. (Alton Towers, dear overseas readers,
is a kind of bargain-basement Disneyland where middle-aged men
go to recapture their youth by riding the dodgems, eating greasy
hamburgers and sticky candyfloss and then throwing up from the
top of the helter-skelter). Another RATUCSer about to hit the
holiday trail is my mate Terwur, who is off to spend a week in
a cottage in Wales. (An unwise move, given what happened to George
Michael, but Terwur simply *won't* be told). Yet another contributor
to RATUCS, Brian Berkeley, has just returned from Istanbul, while
Ruth Carey is shortly off to Phuket for a fortnight. A little
further afield, my dear friend Dale - possibly the only sane
woman in New Zealand - has just embarked on a world tour, the
highlight of which will be her appearance at the London ping.
(I met Dale on the #coro_street channel, where she appears under
the nom-de-plume of 'Noblesse', or 'Nobs' for short. She's a
wonderfully wise and witty woman and I adore her. But as you
probably know, I've always had a soft spot for Nobs...
And finally there's Glenda Young. Glenda's story is
that she is off on a 'cultural expedition' to the Lake District,
where ostensibly she is "painting nature scenes, reading
the works of the Lake poets in their original setting, and playing
the flute". Can you imagine it? No, I thought not. After
all, this is the woman who went on holiday to Venice and sent
me a postcard to complain that she was having a horrid time because
the streets were always flooded! This is the woman who recently
stayed in a posh hotel for the first time in her life and, not
knowing what the bidet was for, started throwing coins into it
and making wishes. This is the woman who thinks that 'coq au
vin' means 'a bit of fun in the back of a lorry'. Glenda Young,
cultured? There's more culture in a pot of yoghourt! Yes, folks,
Glenda has told everyone that she's off in the Lake District
painting, reading and identifying rare wild flowers, when in
reality she's holed up in some grotty clinic in Hartlepool, being
weaned off Toilet Duck.
But enough holiday gossip. Here is, as promised, the
update:
The episode opens at the House of Elliot, still in
mourning. Gary arrives to tell Ashley about Zoe's attack on Emily
and says that while everyone is sorry about what happened to baby
Shannon, Zoe must control herself and not overstep the mark any
more. Ashley, unaware of Zoe's run-in with Emily, is horrified
and asks Zoe what Gary is saying. "He's saying what he's
saying," responds Zoe matter-of-factly, before disappearing
back into her own tiny world of grief. [I'd agree with Gary on
this one; by slapping Emily, Zoe overstepped the mark of propriety
by several miles. I mean, Emily! Now had she pummelled the face
off Nastily or gone for a quick dig in the solar plexus of Orangina,
she'd have had everyone on their feet cheering, but landing one
on Emily - whose good nature and general all-round niceness are
such that I cannot even bring myself to burp, let alone fart,
when she's on screen - is totally beyond the pale].
In the backroom of the Rovers, Betty is asking Natalie
whether the latter really intends to go to the football match
with Des this evening. Natalie says that she most certainly does.
"You know me, Betty," she adds: "I'll try anything
once." [Why are we not surprised? I mean, this is the woman
who has not so much gone round the block a few times as circumnavigated
the entire globe]. At this point, Jack enters, down-in-the-mouth
as ever as he continues to suffer severe nicotine withdrawal.
What he fears, he says, looking pointedly in Betty's direction,
is becoming old and decrepit and having no pleasures in life.
He adds, in so many words, that abstention is doing nothing for
him whatsoever, and that he'd rather take his chances with the
fags than be unhappy without. [A man after my own heart, and I
don't even smoke!]. Betty offers him tea and Natalie attempts
sympathy, consoling him with the thought that he'll soon be seeing
the hypnotherapist and thus all his problems will be over. Jack
says that the hypnotherapy probably won't work. "It'll only
work if you want it to work," says Natalie philosophically.
[Natalie is fast turning into the Socrates of Weatherfield: like
that esteemed Greek sage, not only does she sleep with men half
her age, but she spouts words of wisdom too.] Vera enters at this
point and joins the fray, adding that the hypnotherapy had better
work; after all, it is £95 a session, money back guaranteed.
At the hospital, our man Jim "So-it-is" McDonald
is still in a coma, with La Mouton at his bedside. It seems that
La Mouton has been watching Dr Hilary for she has taken his advice
and is talking to Jim in the belief that he will recognise her
voice and thus come out of the coma more quickly. (Dr Hilary did
a piece about comas the other day on GMTV with that other paragon
of wisdom and intellect, Lorraine Kelly. Apt choice of presenter,
given the subject matter]. But not only is La Mouton talking to
him, she's also pushing bits of cotton wool under his nose with
all his favourite aromas on them. "Im gonna give you a nice
perfume to smell," she says. "You'll recognise this
cause I know you always liked it." She dabs some cheap scent
onto a bit of cotton wool and shoves it under his nose. It's just
as well that she is interrupted at this point by Gareh and Judeh
before she has a chance to move on to other aromas: I have a feeling
that 'sheep dip' and 'rotting kipper' were next on the agenda,
and they would probably have killed the poor bugger, let alone
revive him. "How is he?" asks Gareh, clearly oblivious
to the fact that there are tubes, catheters and "How To Write
A Living Will" pamphlets all over the shop. La Mouton tells
Gareh that he should ask Jim himself. "I've been appealing
to his sense of smell," she says, "and now we can all
appeal to his sense of hearing." Uneasily, Gareh begins a
stilted conversation with the comatose brickie, and soon realises
that it's practically as easy as talking to a fully-conscious
Jim. [Actually, the scene is very moving, with an obviously choked-up
Gareh telling his old mucker Jim how much he misses him.] "The
Rovers ain't the same without Big Jim," he says, blinking
back a tear or two.
Cue to the parlour of one Magenta Savannah, a hypnotherapist
with a name straight out of the cast list of 'Captain Scarlet'.
Magenta is a middle-aged woman who is struggling to mask her broad
Lancashire accent with a refined RP twang - and struggling against
all odds, it would seem. Her parlour is of the shabby-genteel
variety - the kind of "Laura-Ashley-on-speed" look so
admired by therapists of all flavours. Joss-sticks burn away in
a corner, unable to hide the stench of cat piss - a point which
Vera homes in on immediately. Vera wonders whether she'll be able
to stay while Jack is 'put under', as she's a bit wary about leaving
him alone. "It's not every day that I leave him in a strange
woman's house," she says. Magenta tries to ease Vera's mind
by explaining to her exactly what she'll be doing to Jack. "I
shall be communicating with his unconscious in order to get in
touch with those parts of Jack which still wish to smoke, "
she says. Vera wonders how far back people are actually taken
when they are hypnotised. Magenta says that some are taken all
the way back, to a point in time way before birth. Vera is fascinated,
even more so when Magenta admits that she herself was once regressed
right back to Roman times. Vera is agog. "It turns out,"
Magenta continues, "that I was a dancing girl." Jack's
eyes light up. "A kind of Roman table-dancer," I suppose,
coos Magenta. Jack beams a lecherous smile. "Were you topless?"
he says, licking his lips. "You'd better get him under, quick!"
snaps Vera, with a threatening nod in Jack's trouser direction.
Magenta tells Vera to come back later, and that she will find
the door under the mat. Vera exits. "Let's have you,"
Magenta purrs to Jack, "on that couch!"
Back at the hospital, La Mouton quizzes Gareh about
the suspicious circumstances in which Jim fell through the scaffolding.
Gareh saw nothing, heard nothing, knows nothing - but from his
uneasy look it is clear that he too smells a rat. Judeh hugs Liz
and tells her that Jim will be okay. Liz is not so sure. "I
don't want to lose him," she says, lips a tremble and eyes
full of tears. [The words "Fraser", "Henderson",
"lying" and "slapper" came to mind at this
point, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and said nothing].
Back in the parlour of Weatherfield's bargain-basement
Madame Arcati, Magenta is putting Jack Duckworth into a trance.
"Count down to ten," she says, "and soon you'll
be feeling dream-eh and float-eh." Jack, who has only just
learn to count *up* to ten, obeys her and counts down slowly.
"Now I want you to visualise a staircase leading to a beautiful
garden," she says. "You are going down that staircase,
step by step." Jack continues to count down. "And now
you're feeling *sooooo* sleepy....."
END OF PART ONE
After the advertisements, we return to Magenta's parlour
and a very hypnotised Jack Duckworth. Magenta now appeals to Jack's
subconcious. "Subconcious!" she says, "I want you
to give me an image." "Flagon of ale!" cries Jack
suddenly. Magenta is taken aback somewhat, but continues to tap
into Jack's subconscious. "Well, subconcsious, Jack wants
to stop smoking." In order to convince Jack's subconscious
that he really does want to stop smoking, she decides to get in
touch with his "pleasure part". [Yes, I know, that's
exactly what I thought too, but it wasn't. Not before the nine
o'clock watershed, anyway, and besides, I don't think I would
have wanted to see that particular 'pleasure part', do you?].
Anyway, before she can get much further, Magenta is interrupted.
"Rabbit stew, a flagon of ale, and a buxom wench!" cries
Jack. Something is clearly amiss, and Magenta enquires as to the
meaning of Jack's words. "Why, I'm lusty Jack Johnson,"
says Jack, "a sailor from Weatherfield!" Magenta, it
seems, has regressed Jack D back to a past life - a past life
as a randy old seaman, but with an ooo-aaar accent that is more
Somerset than Lancashire.
The words "randy" and "old" (and
possibly "seamen" too, albeit minus a vowel) segue us
nicely into the next scene, which has Natalie and Des talking
about the football match they are due to attend. "Been practicing
your terrace chants?" asks Des. Natalie, who wouldn't know
what a terrace chant was if one were to walk up to her and introduce
itself, laughs and says that she's looking forward to 'being one
of the boys'. In another part of the pub, Kevin and Steve are
sinking pints and chatting. Kevin asks about Jim, and whether
Steve visits him regularly. "Every day," says Steve,
lying through his teeth. Kevin says that he's sorry for both of
them, "especially since you never got that hard feeling sorted."
(It's strange, but ever since some gossip merchant (!) posted
to the ng about Kevin being a closet cottager, the scriptwriters
have been putting some very ambiguous words into his mouth. Hard
feeling indeed! Similarly, there was a brilliant moment not long
back when Vera was touting the idea of turning the Rovers into
a smokeless pub. She turned to Kevin and said, "And how would
it affect you if there were no fags allowed in the Rovers?"
Then there was Kevin's admission to Sally that he'd quite like
another child in the family. "Don't get me wrong, "
he said, "I think the world of the girls, but I'd really
love a boy." Enough said?]
Back at Madame Arcati's, Magenta Savannah is still
trying to get in touch with Jack's pleasure part - a joy that
Vera has not known since Terry Duckworth was conceived. Magenta
asks Jack to visualise a piece of paper with nine squares. Smoking
is up there in the top left hand square, and all of Jack's other
pleasures are in the other eight. Talk of pleasures brings Lusty
Jack Johnson back, with much talk of 'mares' and 'mounting'. Magenta
is beginning to despair.
At this point, we cut to Jim McDonald's house, which
resembles the municipal tip on a bad day: empty bottles and Pizza
boxes everywhere. Steve and Liz are trying to clean up, but it
is clearly an uphill battle. La Mouton wonders aloud how Jim could
have sunk so far. Steve is quite clear how it happened: Jim is
a drunk, after all, and drunks are like that. Steve then unearths
a postcard from the pile of unopened mail: it is from Andy, who
is "having a good time in Lisbon" and sends his love.
Back chez the hypnotherapist, Magenta Savannah has
finally located Jack's pleasure part and is asking it to visualise
a room filled with every fag he has ever had. [At this point,
Carlo - the new kid on my block - turned to me and said, "You'd
have to visualise the Albert bloody Hall!" but I kept mum
and said nothing]. Anyway, Magenta tells Jack to set fire to all
these cigarettes and then see how it feels. Jack obeys and duly
says that he feels wonderful. No more smoke, no more stench, no
more mouth like an ashtray. Yes, Jack has kicked the habit. "You'll
never want to smoke another cigarette in your life!" says
a victorious Magenta. She then counts Jack back into consciousness,
with Vera returning as she does so. Jack opens his eyes and proclaims
that he feels like a new man. Magenta is over the moon, and confesses
to Vera that he is about the most susceptible client she has ever
had. "I must write all this up for the Hypnotist's Monthly",
she says, overjoyed. "However," she adds, whispering
to Vera, "if someone called Lusty Jack Johnson should appear,
don't shake him out of it!" Vera's eyes light up and she
smiles contentendly. Not only, it seems, has Jack been cured of
smoking, he has also been resuscitated down in the trouser department.
Back at the Rovers, Natalie and 'the lads', resplendent
in their green and white scarves and hats, are ready for football.
Kevin can't believe that Natalie is serious about accompanying
them to the game. "Do you have a problem with that, Kevin?"
asks Natalie, who by now should know that Kevin's only problem
is being seen out with people taller than he is. Which is pretty
much everybody. Martin "And-for-my-next-tic" Platt is
there too, and is suddenly whisked away by Ashley, who needs advice
about what to do with Zoe. Martin tells him that he should take
Zoe to see a doctor, or, better still, a psychiatrist. At which
point Vera and Jack return, with Vera proclaiming "It's a
miracle cure!" and Jack exclaiming "I feel like a new
man!"
And finally, we have La Mouton quizzing Steve about
what really happened up there on that scaffolding. "Neither
you nor Gareh saw anything," she says, "and yet you're
both definite that he fell. So the only one who knows exactly
what happens is your dad!" [I think this was meant to be
somehow revelatory in a Miss Marple-ish sense, but it came over
simply as a case of stating the obvious. But maybe I missed something.]
And that's it for this week, I'm afraid. I was going
to tell you all about what happened when *I* went to a hypnotherapist
to cure my flying phobia, but it's still sub judice and I can't
discuss it before the case comes to court, so I'll have to leave
it for another time.
Until we meet again, Sweet dreams,
CP
Written by John
Laird, Peter Dewhirst,
CP Turner and Alan Milewczyk