Here is the news for Sunday 2nd November, and this is Jerry Ledbetter reading it. In tonight's main headlines:
Shock sacking - Betty to be laid off
Sack shocking - after Liz and Jim have been in it
Slip showing - Fiona (and baby) try on their wedding dress
Sal simpers - but she doesn't feel single when Kev's 'round
Shock sacking - Betty to be laid off
Jack and Alec laid aside their differences today in an effort
to present a united front to Vera about giving Betty the push
from "her" job. The news has yet to break, but we cross
live to Weatherfield now where your roving reporter Tom Good,
is standing propping up the bar at the "Rover's". Over
to you Tom.
Wha'? Wazzit? Oh yeah. <Ahem>. Yes listeners, I'm standing at "The Rover's Return" bar talking to Vera about this sudden increase in unemployment on the street.
Vera...
"Yes Tom",
... how did you find out that Alec and Jack were planning to sack Betty?
"Well, it weren't too hard Tom. I mean, they called me in and told me to do it. All day I've been running 'round after them I have. First it's 'I could just do with a cuppa' then it's 'oh and by the way, tell Betty she is fired'.
"Yeah, he dresses it up so nicely does Alec. It's all 'We'll have to let her go', but it means the same. I said to 'im, 'It's a rotten trick', but all he said was that all business were rotten tricks and I should get used to 'em."
So Jack and Alec see eye to eye on this do they?
"Well, they see eye to belly button at any road. Oh yeah, that so called feud of Jack with Alec is all forgotten. Our Jack is sucking up to Alec for all he's worth. One minute he is all for 'im and me standing up to Alec and not letting him push us around, the next he is all 'yes boss, no boss' like the little toady he is."
And Alec wants you to tell Betty?
"He does and all. Says it is some kind of tradition in the trade for the greasy short one not to have to do the dirty work or something. He even phoned Betty up and handed the phone over to me. But I can't tell Betty to go, not after all these years".
Thank you Vera. Now back to you Jerry.
Sack shocking - after Liz and Jim have been in it
Sources close to the McDonald clan indicate that a reconciliation
might be on the cards for Big Jim and Wee Liz. But the omens are
mixed. Jim is playing it cool and is reported worried that Liz
was last seen ordering fifty cases of red wine from the corner
shop ;-)
Steve McDonald had this to say, "I'll have a pint please Vera".
Slip showing - Fiona (and baby) try on their wedding dress
Adapting Fiona's wedding dress proved a longer task than expected
for Angie today. Meanwhile Alan, home early from work, was prevented
from entering the flat by a ghostly stick like figure left over
from Halloween.
Tom Good is talking to Maxine now. Over to you Tom.
Thank you very much Jerry. Now Maxine, Fiona had asked you to prevent Alan from going upstairs?
"What does prevent mean?"
Fiona asked you to stop Alan seeing her in her wedding dress?
"Yes. But Alan got all mad. I thought he was going to hit me. He wouldn't believe me, until Angie called out that she was helping Fiona with the fitting."
Why do you think he wouldn't believe you?
"I think he thought Fiona had a felluh with her. He said afterwards he was only joking, but that is a pretty stupid joke. Then again he is pretty stupid isn't he?"
As I have no desire to have my collar felt, I'll have to say "no comment". Now back to you Jerry.
Sal simpers - but she doesn't feel single when Kev's 'round
Chris faces an anxious choice over the next few weeks; whether
or not to tell Kevin that he is having it away with Sally. Sally
meanwhile is just pleased to have someone to whom she can talk
about Surphie and Rursie.
@nother.Kevin
In which Liz celebrates her 40th birthday (funny, it's not February 29th on my calendar), Alec continues in his determination to dispose of Betty, Nastily tries a bit of matchmaking and Maxine gets the hump. Not a lot seemed to happen really. And presumably Toyah went kickboxing again.
<SLAPPER>
It appears to be morning chez McDonald, and Liz is led into the
living room blindfolded. She jokes that she's not 40 until tonight
because she wasn't born until 8:30pm. The Thunderbird Twins give
her £100 gift voucher, Jim gives her some greeny gem stone
jobby on a chain, which Jim admits isn't a dear emerald.
Liz reads too much into the choice of stone - Jim had bought it
as green for Ireland, but Liz says it stands for 'healing'. She
also talks about bringing some clothes round, but Jim gently dissuades
her, reminding her that she has her own flat.
<\SLAPPER>
Over at t'Rovers, Alec asks Vera if she's sacked Betty yet. It's nearly 10pm and she hasn't turned up. Alec phones her, but suspects Vera has tipped her off as there's no answer. 'Where's your writing paper?..... asks Alec, determined to put her sacking in writing.
Across the Street, at Hair By Fiona, the eponymous crimper is booking her wedding photographer for Thursday, 1pm at St Luke's. A bit late for that, surely? Maxine has an idea about the hair style she could do for Fiona, but Fiona admits that Alan has offered to pay for her to have a proper 'do at 'Bamboo' in Manchester. Maxine, naturally, is upset at this lack of confidence. 'But Max..., he offered to pay...'
Back at the Rover's we get the first of tonight's cracking lines. Alec and Vera are disputing the length of time Betty has served, man and boy, at the Rover's. Vera explains that it was definitely 1969 because Betty said 'they put a man of the Moon and Betty Turpin in the Rover's that Summer'. Vera asks Alec to be gentle with Betty, and reminisces about her loss of Cyril, being mugged and so on. After Jack has seen and signed the letter, Vera reluctantly signs too.
Jack hears a knock at the door, so faint you might think that the Sound Effects man forgot to edit it in. But no, it's the Weatherfield Pie-Man, Fred, I say Fred, Elliott. Fred has overheard the word 'sacking' on the way in, which he wouldn't have, had he been on time, and tries to get the story out of Alec. Cracking line #2 - 'I trade meat with you, not gossip'. Alec tells Fred to keep out of his business, and take his mouldy pies with him. Fred takes him, and his pies, at his word.
Cut to the Garage, where Nastily introduces Chris to her niece Lorraine. Lorraine looks like Maxine clone. She's done a Night School diploma in Computers so she's going to teach Nastily how to 'do a spreadsheet' . Better teach her how to use a mouse first, eh boys 'n' girls? Chris makes hasty excuses and gets back to work. Lorraine is obviously taken with Chris.
Obvious plot device coming up>>>>>>> In the Rovers, Ashley learns that Betty hasn't come in, and tells Alec and Vera that it's a good thing he's got Betty's spare keys so he can deliver two legs of lamb in case she's out. Nastily questions Kevin about Chris' girlfriend status, confirms he's finished with Angie, and suggests she'll ask him to supper. Thunderbird one and Jim discuss Liz's excitement at the birthday presents.
Still in the Rover's, Maxine is telling Ashley about Fiona's £40 hairdo at Bamboo, Ashley tries to soothe her by saying that Fiona will have the wedding pictures for the rest of her life, so she's got to be sure she looks good. That's not what Maxine wanted to hear.
Over at Dreary's, Jon is supposedly going off to a 2 day conference in York. He can do better than give her his hotel number, he's getting a mobile phone. He says that he's pleased at not having to lie anymore. Dreary gives him a cheque for £5000.
<SLAPPER>
In the Rover's, Liz is draped all over Jim, and on seeing Fiona
& Alan [1] arrive, tells Steve
that she doesn't want any awkwardness over Fiona, and that he
should accept that Fiona is marrying PC Plod. Jim tries to order
food, but as there's no Betty and no pies, Alec can only offer
a salad. Jim drags Liz away to the caff 'cos he wants something
hot.
Nastily slides over to Chris and invites him to supper. <SLAPPER> (yes, I got that in the right place.....)
Vera goes off to answer the phone, and returns to explain that 'that was Betty. It's Billy, he had a heart attack at breakfast time.' Alec is suddenly anxious about the letter which he had delivered, 'even I can't sack her today'.
Out in the street, obvious plot device is employed. Why, there's Ashley, who has the key to Betty's. Alec asks Ashley to take him down there, but Fred happens upon this and forbids it. But then of course, if the pie order were reinstated, and the pies go up ten pence..... exit Alec and Ashley en route to Betty's
Chris goes round to Sally's to explain that he's been invited to Horrid's, and did Sally mind? She doesn't.
Back in the Rover's, Fred establishes that Alec had recovered the letter, fluffed a few cushions, then left.
Alec agrees that he'll give Betty some time to get over the loss of her husband, and then sack her.
Chris arrives at Natalie's, and finds that he's been set up with Lorraine. He's also set up to talk about Africa, and Nastily wants to see his war wound. Chris makes some cutting comments about middle age
Gail is in the Rover's with Sally [who's babysitting?]. They discuss affairs with younger men, and where it led to with Gail and Martin.
Ashley and Fiona have an idea to warm Maxine up. They each give her £20 so that she can also have her hair done at Bamboo. 'Is Jason still there? asks Max. 'Who's Jason', asks a worried Ashley. 'Don't worry, Ashley' says Fiona, 'he's on the other bus.' (Cracking line #3)
<SLAPPER>
The McDonald clan return home, in high spirits after a restaurant
meal. Steve only needed a bolt through his neck to be everyone's
popular image of Frankenstein's monster. Steve & Andy make
a tactical withdrawal to the Rover's. Jim's been clutching a bottle
of white wine, but Liz would rather have a cup of tea. [Now if
it had been red....] No, says Liz, she'd rather just sit and talk
and remember. Jim is anxious to get her a cab, but Liz isn't even
sure she's going.
<\SLAPPER>
Over to Jon's kitchen, where he simulates a mobile payphone on a train by using his domestic cordless, in the kitchen, accompanied by cooker hood on full suck. He tells Dreary that the chain has collapsed, and that there might be a delay, or they might have to look for another house. On hearing Linda come home he quickly hangs up with the words 'my card's run out, I'll call y....'
Should we wonder where Linda has been? She says she's been to the cash machine and there's 'five grand' [2] more than she thought - is there something he's been keeping from her? It's a sales bonus he explains, and Linda begins to plan how to spend it, especially as it's only 6 weeks to Xmas.
And that was about it really.
Episode written by Martin Allen
[1] I hadn't realised that Alan was in
this episode until I watched it again for the update. The man
is a waste of space.
[2] I really don't think Linda would say Five Grand. Five Thousand
Pounds perhaps, but not Five Grand
AND DON'T FORGET - WEDNESDAY'S EPISODE IS AT THE LATER TIME OF 9:45, AFTER THE BLOODY FOOTBALL.
OK Let's go, dial up, post, read, enjoy!
Thanks for reading, see you next week.
Dewey
A THOUSAND GREETINGS.
I have been known to write introductions hereabouts which are slightly less than 100% true. Not the case today, friends.
To earn my living, I have a shop in my home town. On Friday, the phone rang here at home at 6:15 am. When the phone rings at that time of day, it's seldom good news.
It was the local police, telling me there had been a smash and grab robbery at the shop. I threw on some clothes and got there in a matter of about five minutes to find quite a mess. There was a man-sized hole in the main front plate glass window, and some stock was gone.
Last month, I had a brick attack on another front window, where nothing was stolen.
So there I was; alone for the rest of the day, unshaven, unwashed and hair looking as it did when I woke up.
There was a great deal of glass to clear up, statements to give to the police, dealings with the Scenes of Crime officer, the insurance company, the emergency glaziers, etc.
I felt pretty low.
At 8:30 am customers started arriving for the business of the day. They all asked what had happened, when did it happen, did I lose much stock, was I going to fit roller shutters, iron bars, leave a dog loose in there at night, were they caught on security camera, who reported it, didn't I have another break-in last month.... shouldn't they string these people up... that sort of thing.
As always happens at times like these, I had to tell and re-tell the story over and over.
There is a little girl who lives near the shop. I don't know her name, but she's about nine or ten, I'd say. She sometimes stops by for a chat on her way to the sweet shop, if I'm not busy with customers, telling me about her latest boyfriend at school, or charming bits of tittle-tattle of what her little sister has been up to. Sometimes she's alone, other times she might have a friend with her.
Recently she told me some sad stuff about her home life. I asked her why she was telling me, of all people. "Because you're the only one who will listen" she replied.
During the morning she walked past the shop and noticed the large hole in the window and all the associated wreckage. She spotted me in there, with my hands thrust deep in my jacket pockets against the cold, looking very downcast and fed up.
She looked anxious, and silently mouthed some words to me. "Are you alright?"
I smiled and nodded, and she went on her way.
We all know how difficult it is at times to maintain faith in human nature.
This little girl reminded me never to give up hope.
Here is the update for the UK episode shown on Wednesday 5. November 1997.
Being November 5th, we would be right to expect some fireworks, and in the final scene, we are not disappointed, but I'm getting ahead of myself!
The opening scene this evening is in the Kabin, where Fiona is wearing a most extraordinary hat, as she tells Rita that she's not interested in having a hen night. If only she's bought that damned Chicken Limbo game which is still languishing on Rita's display shelf, it would have been guaranteed to bring any hen night to life. How I long to see it sold! Anyway, this hat; she must have bought it unseen over the phone, or is breaking it in for a friend. Let me paint the picture for you:
Imagine a white plastic cake mixing bowl. Hold bowl over gentle flame until melting. Allow to cool and solidify. Place over head. Look daft for remainder of programme.
Deirdre comes in, and she's her usual bubbly self, telling Rita about a house they have espied in Didsbury, but there's a snag! Oh dear Deirdre, there certainly is! Yer man's a wrong'un! He's probably got more wives than Henry the Eighth and he lies like a rug!
Kevin comes in for his copy of Auto Trader and tells Sally that Chris seemed to be getting on very well the other night with Natalie's niece, Lorriane. Sally looks dead anxious. I expect Kevin only buys Auto Trader for the crossword. Natalie would be well placed to help him of he gets stuck on five across. Clue: Ancient firework? (3.6) The first person to Email me with the answer wins my everlasting admiration!
In the salon, Fiona is still sporting the laughable headgear as she interferes with Vera's hair in her usual minimalistic way. Vera is passing on marriage advice based on long years of conjugal conflict. Fiona is still not keen on a hen night. She mentions that Soppy Al is having a stagfest of some kind. Later her brother Lee appears, much to Fiona's delight. Lee offers words of wisdom also. His are along the lines of being mindful of taking on a husband and his particularly demanding job. Marriage to policemen carries a high rate of divorce, he warns. She'll hear none of this scaremongering though.
Al arrives on the scene. Why does he grin so? I grin sometimes. We all grin sometimes, but this bloke grins all the time. I don't care for this incessant grinning. Anyway, in mid grin, he invites Lee to the stag do, which, with some degree of reluctance, he accepts.
When Lee walks into the hotel bar where the grinfest/stagpiss-up is to take place, Al's copper chums give vent to some racist remarks when they see him, and so their faces are a picture when Al introduces Lee to them as his future brother-in-law! Lee gets into conversation with Al's best man, someone called Dave, unless I'm mistaken. Dave isn't impressed by a man who drinks mineral water the whole time, but he is impressed by the cut of Lee's suit of all things and his expensive motor vehicle. Have you noticed how policemen always say 'motor vehicle' when they mean 'car'? e.g. "At approximately 6.30 am on the 23rd of September, I was riding my bicycle in a westerly direction along Boggins Alley, when I was in collision with a motor vehicle being driven by an individual whom I later discovered to be disqualified from driving said motor vehicle, my lord"
Dave is singing the praises of the professional abilities of the groom. "He's got a good nose" he tells Lee. Lee (quite rightly in my humble submission) is less than overcome to learn this.
Very much overdue, a Rover Returns, one might almost say! A very welcome one at that. Alf puts in his first appearance for many a long day, and he certainly looks leaner and fitter. The scriptwriters don't tax him with pages and pages of dialogue, just to ease him gently back into harness, but ee by gum lad, it's grand t'see 'im! After all, as UK audiences were reminded when he was featured on This is Your Life a few days ago, he first appeared in Episode 18, 532 years ago!
He is first glimpsed in the cafe, but later he is one of the attendees at Billy's funeral. It seems Betty has afterwards gone to stay with her son Gordon. Alec says she might as well stay there, as there's no longer anything to induce her to return. Vera scotches this notion, saying she has promised Betty her job is secure for life! Alec is almost speechless with incredulity.
Still in the pub, Sally's eyes meet Chris's, and she leaves in a hurry. He runs and catches her and they sort out this nonsense about her getting the wrong idea vis-a-vis his intentions towards young Lorriane. He assures Mrs. W that he's not interested in Lorriane or anyone else... but her! She looks rather doubtfully at him and says they should play it cool and take their time, as she is in no hurry to get embroiled in another serious relationship so soon. She's not ready for tying down just yet, she says.
Hopefully that might come later. Could do wonders for the Christmas ratings, that scene!
There is clear antagonism from Jim towards Steve. Jim's clearly getting steamed up about Fiona's impending nuptials. Later Steve ambles into the salon after closing time. He's there to hang his head, roll his eyes and to convey terminal pathos as he wishes her luck and tells her he has always loved her. She awards his oscar-winning display of abject misery with a peck on the cheek and he shuffles out again.
In the pub there is a surprise hen night booze-up for all the girls. At first Fiona seems annoyed, but soon warms to the idea as she gets a bit squiffy on the free-flowing bubbly. Liz is there, and she's delighted at Fiona's spontaneous invitation to the wedding. Jim comes in with Steve. They are both stuck in moping mode. Jim stares at the bride to be, and almost ignores the attentions of his ex-wife as he turns round and leaves, almost as soon as he has arrived.
The final scene (remember, I promised you fireworks and fireworks you shall have!) takes place at the McDonald's. Steve is hitting the scotch in a solitary kind of way. Jim comes in and joins him in a glass of this maudlin malt. The youngster bangs on about how much he loves Fiona. Jim derides him, saying he doesn't have a loving bone in his body for anyone but himself. Steve reminds his father of how he left Liz in a lay-by hundreds of miles away, having walloped her. Things go from bad to worse. Jim throws in the bit about Steve profiting financially from the Vicki episode.
The whole thing's not pretty.
It is at this point that Jim sees fit to admit his love for the wee girl with the white melted plastic bowl on her head. Steve's acrobatic eyeballs are momentarily immobilised as the significance of this seeps in. Little by little, he understands that Jim and Fiona have.... you know..... done it! Steve picks up the bottle, pulls a murderous face, and throws it across the room, where it smashes the wall mirror. (The bottle, not his face... oh it's late... forgive me.)
Just when I'd had enough of broken glass for one week, too!
That's yer lot - Good night and I love you all.
Nigel
You know, the good thing about being the update writer for the Friday episode is that you often get the 'big' events. This is a marketing ploy, of course, to ensure that everyone tunes in on Sunday to find out what the aftermath is. The downside, however, is that the updater has to try to find the words to describe some of the sights and events, and interpret the expressions on the faces of those involved in the drama. This is not always easy, as the acting abilities of certain cast members do not always clearly convey the emotions experienced by their characters. Tonight's episode was no exception, revolving as it did around Fiona and Alan's Wedding Day; though the concurrent plotette featuring Fred's machinations must not be overlooked. So, get your posh frocks on, get your handkerchiefs ready and prepare for a wedding day to remember.
Friday 7th November,
Street: Steve McDonald slouches in the bookie's doorway, looking up at the flat above the salon. He looks quite sinister, dressed all in black, drawing on a cigarette, which he then flicks aside and strides purposefully off.
House: Andy is getting ready for the wedding, but Jim intends to go to work. Steve barges in demanding answers from his Dad. Andy is amazed when Steve challenges Jim about having slept with Fiona. Jim reminds Steve that he ruined his own chances with Fiona a long time ago by going off with Vicky. Jim storms off, then Andy tries unsuccessfully to placate Steve, who intends to have it out with Fiona.
Flat: Angie has delivered The Dress - hurriedly expanded to accommodate the pregnancy bump. Steve bursts in, pursued by Maxine. Angie beats a hasty retreat. When Steve tells Fiona he needs to know about Jim, she goes quiet and sends Maxine away. Steve realises from her reaction that it must be true. Fiona begs him to leave her alone. Steve guesses, and Fiona's face confirms, that Alan knows nothing of her infidelity.
Hotel: Alan looks a bit hung-over, and declines a drink from his best man, Dave. He denies he is having second thoughts, but is worried as he wants the day to be perfect.
House: Liz is surprised, and disappointed, when Andy tells her Jim has gone to work and won't be going with them to the wedding. Andy gently warns her not to raise her hopes about her and Jim.
Salon: Maxine has washed her hair, because, as she explains to Ashley, they missed their appointment at 'Bamboo' due to Steve's interruption. Ashley haltingly observes that it must be so nice, especially if one day it were their turn..... Max hustles him out as Fiona enters. Max sighs and says '...Ashley, trying to propose again.' Max now has to do Fiona's hair. This consists of her gathering up all the Medusa snakes and twisting them around, then pinning it - rather roughly judging by Fiona's expression.
Shop: A Mr Dillon introduces himself to Maud. She has been advised by the Estate Agent to expect him as he is a prospective buyer. Maud prepares to show him around.
Hotel: Alan's mum assures him that all things said in the past are now forgotten, and they hope he and Fiona will be happy. Alan's best man makes a nuisance of himself and Alan says he wishes he had chosen someone else!
Churchyard: Jack and Vera arrive, looking happy, as do Alf and Audrey, Deirdre and Jon. Vera comments that English weddings are very boring compared with how they do things in Vegas. Audrey insists on waiting to see Fiona arrive. Deirdre hasn't been to a Catholic wedding before; Jon has - one or two - but if they were his own, he doesn't let on! Liz is wearing a fetching blue dishcloth tied round her hips. This doesn't stop her prancing round in delight at the sight of a lovely old Roller bringing Fiona and her father to church. As they prepare to enter the church, to Fiona's dismay, Steve hurries in, brushing past a horrified Maxine muttering 'It's a free country.'
Church: As the priest begins the service, asking them to consider past sins, Fiona gives a heartfelt stare heavenwards.
House: A lonely Jim takes a deep slug of whisky and then leaves his house.
Shop: Having looked around, Mr Dillon makes an offer of £55,000. Maud feels it is worth far more than that and tells him so.
Rovers: Roy and Fred toast the wedding currently taking place, hoping it will be stronger and longer than Fred's. Roy expounds the virtues of a shared hobby, such as sequence dancing, to forge a strong partnership. Fred sees Mr Dillon enter and quickly gets up to speak to him. Mr Dillon says he has done as Fred wanted. Fred is pleased that Maud believed Mr Dillon was a serious buyer, and he promises a load of meat will be delivered on Monday.
Church: Alan Bernard Michael McKenna and Fiona Joy Middleton gaze happily into each others eyes as the service progresses. Steve watches cynically. From the rear, Jim makes his way drunkenly up the aisle, and as Fiona states that she knows not of any lawful impediment, Jim cries 'No, Fiona!' There are gasps and murmurs as Jim rants that she doesn't love Alan and implores her to tell him. Several burly men, including Lee and Dave the best man, manhandle Jim away as he continues to assert that Fiona is too scared to tell Alan the truth. Alan looks bewildered. The Irish priest looks as if he is well used to dealing with drunken outbursts disrupting his weddings. He sends Alan and Fiona to the vestry and gets everyone else singing 'The Lord is My Shepherd.' Liz slips out; Alan's parents look disappointed. Steve remains seated; his face an expressionless mask.
In the vestry, Alan asks for an explanation of this McDonald madness. Fiona is unable to speak.
Shop: Fred bounces in to ask Maud how things went with her prospective purchaser. He feigns surprise at the news of the offer. Maud is unwilling to accept £10,000 below the price she wanted. Fred offers to do her a favour and take it off her hands for £60,000. This is still £5,000 less than she wanted, but she wouldn't have to pay agents' commission. He asks her to talk it over with Maureen.
Churchyard: Liz asks Jim what he thinks he is doing, ruining their day. He is clearly agitated, pacing up and down, but says he has saved Fiona from the same fate as Liz. Namely, married to a pig-headed bully, living a pitiful life. Liz is stunned at Jim's outburst.
Vestry: Fiona confesses to Alan that she slept with Jim; it was when he left her and she was upset. Alan goes ballistic, of course, and refuses to marry the 'McDonald Family Whore' despite her pleading with him to put it behind him, think of their baby and go ahead with the wedding.
In Church, everyone settles down as Alan prepares to speak. He thanks everyone except the McDonald family, and says that the wedding is now off. The episode ends with Fiona crying bitterly, alone in the vestry. Credits.
Episode written by Maureen Chadwick.
Helen
Here is the news for Sunday the 9th of November, and this is Jerry Ledbetter reading it.
The street is still buzzing with the news of Alan and Fiona calling off their wedding. We talk to those in the know and those who should be.
Yes listeners, all the talk at "The Rover's" is of Alan and Fiona and who did what to bring about the cancellation of the wedding. Or to be more correct, the talk is about the cancellation of the reception and its promise of free drinks and food. Tom Good spoke earlier to Audrey Roberts, and she had this to say:
"It's no good asking me Tommuh, I don't know what is going on, any more than anyone else. And Alfuh is no good. I sent him to talk to the vicar and he just came back and said that the wedding was cancelled. Well, we all knew that didn't wuh? So that was no good.
"No one has told me anything at all. When Maxine came into 'The Rover's'. I told her how sorry I was about it all, and she didn't even explain what it was all about. I try to show a bit of sympathy and they just cut me dead. They have no manners at all these young people.
"But I reckon it must be that lad Steve. After all, Jim always sticks up for him doesn't he. I reckon that Steve must be the father of Fiona's baby."
Tom is talking to Steve at the moment. Over to you Tom. Thank you very much Jerry. Now, Steve, are you aware that most people on the street are blaming you for losing them free food and drinks at the reception?
"Oh yeah, I know all right Tom. My own mother was following the scent all 'round the houses herself. When she found that she couldn't wheedle any information out of Maxine, she threatened me with violence if I didn't tell her what was up. But I just said the same as Maxine, 'Ask dad'. I know they are all blaming me, but for once, it isn't my fault".
Thank you Steve. Now back to you Jerry.
Thank you Tom. When asked about his behaviour about the wedding, Jim McDonald, reading from a prepared statement, had this to say. "No comment".
Now I am joined live in the studio by Fiona. Fiona, I must say you seem very composed considering the day you have had. How are you feeling?
"It's funny Jerry, I should be feeling terrible, but in a weird sort of way I am feeling relieved. At the church I just couldn't understand what was going on, I couldn't believe that everything was falling apart. I mean, marriages don't last very long 'round here, but they usually get to the 'I do' part at least.
"I felt terrible then, but Max stood by me. And I think she is right. Alan is not the man for me. He treats me so badly, just lashes out. It was because he hurt me before that I turned to Jim at all. Oh, I'm not excusing myself, I know it was wrong, but Alan hurt me and I needed some sympathy. And now he's hurt me again, because I wasn't the kind of person he thought I was.
"He has always been so jealous, even when I was just trying on my wedding dress last week. He wants a wife he can control, but I don't want to be controlled. It hurt a lot at the time, especially because of my parents, but I think now it would have happened sooner or later anyway. So perhaps it is for the best. And I still have my baby."
Thank you Fiona. Now we cross to Tom Good who is talking to Alan. Over to you Tom.
Thank you very much Jerry. Alan, how are you feeling?
"Tom I started this day with everything, wife, child, family, friends and now I have lost it all, because of the McDonalds. How do you think I am feeling?
"And the thing I can't believe, Tom, is that she blames me. She blames me for this mess.
"She springs it on me, as we are standing at the altar, that she has slept with half of the McDonald family, and then blames me for 'lashing out' for over reacting. Over reacting? Perhaps if she had told me before today, things might have been different, but to tell me today... And then to say that I am the one in the wrong... I can't understand that woman at all."
I understand how you must be feeling Alan. Have your family stood by you in all this?
"You can't understand what I am feeling. My family, that's a joke. My father used this whole sorry episode as an excuse to show me what a racist pig he is. He even said that no child of Fiona's could be a child of mine, because of the skin colour. Isn't that pathetic? Only he justifies it to himself. says it is not her skin at all, but because of her lack of discipline. 'I knew it wouldn't turn out' he says, 'better now than later'.
"I'll give him discipline. Some of the discipline he gave me, taking me out to the shed with the belt. Let him see how he likes discipline.
"He disgusts me. It makes me sick to think that he is my father.
"So I went back to Fiona. I told her I forgave her, told her we could work it out. She could have a test. If the baby was mine we'd keep it, but otherwise, we could terminate it and tell everyone she had lost it. I love her Tom. And can you believe what she said? She said she was too good for me. That it was her baby, and I had no right to tell her what to do.
"I went back to her to forgive her, Tom, and she just threw it in my face.
"Now I don't know what to do. I've got nowhere to go. And you tell me you understand how I am feeling. Get lost."
Thank you Alan. Now back to Jerry in the studio.
Thank you Tom. And tonight's weather forecast, stormy and troubled times ahead.
@nother Kevin
For me, a disappointing episode, no wrecks, nobody drownded, fact nothin' to laugh at at all. We do, however witness Liz learning about Jim's little indiscretion, from a source I wouldn't have expected. But I can never work out whodidit in an Agatha Christie either.
Anyway, 'ere we go.
We open chez McDonald, where Andy is urging Steve not to tell Liz about Jim 'n' Fiona.. Jim comes in, and spouts the cliche 'I did it for Fiona, not for me'. Steve accuses Jim of being sad and pathetic, how can he ever work with his father again?
Cut to Dreary's flat, where Jon is trying to look like a Sales Director by studying the few papers in his briefcase. Dreary reminds him that they've heard nothing about the house. Jon explains that he hasn't chased the vendors, or Rachel Forbes because 'it wouldn't do any good' Dreary is determined not to lose this house and they will have to fight for it.
Back outside chez McDonalds, Andy lays into Jim, telling him that they won't tell Liz, he's got to square with her.
It's like ping pong today, as we go back again to Dreary's. Dreary starts to get emotional about the thought of losing the house. She's been picturing barbecues in the summer. Jon tries to allay these fears assuring her that he's bought and sold houses before, and he's going to make sure they get this house. Leave it with me, trust me .
Angie is having a follicle or two tweaked by Maxine, whilst gently trying to find out more about Fiona & Alan. Max is being loyal to Fiona, giving nothing away, but is then saved further questioning by the arrival of Fiona. No sooner has Angie gone into sympathy mode, with Fiona stating that it was for the best, than her Mother, Father and brother arrive, so they all go upstairs.
Maud is outside the shop with Rita, discussing Fred Elliot's offer of £62,200 for the shop, flat and stock. Rita suggests that small shop buyers are scarce, and she ought to consider. Fred arrives at this point, with sour comments about people round here only being able to stick to marriage for a matter of hours. Fred wishes ther had been a just impediment to him and Maureen, to which Maud reminded him that she had said as much, many times. Subsequent discussion makes Fred believe his offer is accepted.
<SLAPPER>
Once again in the Street, Liz (walking the street is what she's
best at) confronts Jim in his van and tries to get an answer.
Just what did Jim mean when he shouted to Fiona to tell Alan the
truth? Jim avoids the issue - 'I'm working.', and drives off.
Sort of inverted kerb-crawling I suppose. <\SLAPPER>
In Fiona's flat, la famille Middleton want answers because it's cost them a lot of money. Never mind Fiona's happiness, they want value for money. Surely you can insure against these little upsets? She tells all. They all believe that she should have told Alan previously, and that he would have forgiven her. Her mother even thinks that Alan will 'come round' and want to put it behind them. She is surprised when Fiona tells her that he did and he didn't.
We're out in the street again as Audreh walks past the salon, then on impulse (!) enters, Alan isn't far behind her.
Cut to adverts.....
Audreh wants to be slipped in for a wash 'n' set, but doesn't want Maxine's attention - only Fiona will do. Well, Fiona's the prime target for giving her some gossip isn't she? Maxine does her loyalty bit again, telling Audreh that it's very complicated, stop fishing. Just then Alan arrives, which gives Audreh even more to think about.
Up in the flat, Alan's arrival means the temporary departure of the Middleton clan. All he wants to know is why Jim mcDonald? Why not someone decent? Why someone who was a sad drunk, with a tart for a wife and a petty crook for a son? Fiona goes downstairs while he packs, Alan stating that he wants nothing to do with her ever again.
Over at t'Rovers, Rita, Ken & Alec are discussing Ken's continuing poor employment prospects. Alec would take him on at the Rovers, but he's trying to lower the average age of the staff, Dreary has nothing at Sunliners, and there's no Supply Teaching available. Ken & Rita bemoan the rise of Ageism.
In a booth, Natalie asks Kevin what his ambitions are for the garage, Should they move to larger premises, spread out a bit, do car sales perhaps? No, our boring Kevin is quite happy there, he's near his girls.
Fred and Ashley are toasting the doubling of Elliot Retailing Empire. Ashley suggests that it can't be a chain because one's a butcher's, one's a grocer's.
<SLAPPER>
Liz enters the bar, to see Steve. She still thinks that Jim's
outburst was for Steve's benefit. We get the old line 'what he
did he did for himself, and if he had the guts he'd tell you'.
This rather loudly to an unusual panoramic view of the whole bar.
<\SLAPPER>
Jon comes in from work to tell Dreary about a telephone call he had at the office. The move is on again. Is Dreary really sure about leaving all her friends in Weatherfield? She is, of course, for that house. Jon makes her promise that she won't leave him, after the last time. They kiss. There's a time and a place for that, Jon & Dreary, and that was neither of them.
<SLAPPER>
Liz arrives chez McDonald, to find out from Jim what happened.
Andy has to make a quick exit. Liz realises that everybody knows
but her, and when Jim remains silent she runs out, crying 'I hate
the lot o' ye'.
<\SLAPPER>
Alan is taking the last of his things from Fiona's flat. One Sportsbag full. He asks what she is going to do with McDonald's baby? Fiona's obviously been taking silence lessons from Alan, so telling her that ' You dis-------gust me' he turns and goes, 'Bye Alan' says our Fi. Fi tells Maxine that she's never felt better.
Liz collars Alan to apologise for Jim, but Alan realises that Liz doesn't know the truth - so he tells her. Liz won't have it, Alan suggests she goes to ask the big man himself.
Fred and Ashley visit Maud again, Maud reluctantly accepts Fred's offer, but warns him that if she has a better offer before contracts are exchanged then that'll be Fred's tough luck.
Kevin & Nastily come in to get a Pie to go with the chips for Kevin's tea. And Mushy Peas. Natalie gets a bottle of vodka for dessert. We've had that joke before, haven't we? Only it was baked beans and Sally that time.
<SLAPPER>
Liz goes round to have it out with Jim. How could he do it? His
silence confirms that he did sleep with Fiona. How many more one
night stands have there been? Especially when they were just about
to get back together again. Jim explains that he's not ashamed
of what he did because he was in love with Fiona, he is in love
with Fiona. How could he lead Liz on to believe that they were
going to get back together? Of course we know that he wasn't encouraging
her, but at that Liz storms out.
<\SLAPPER>
And that's yer lot. Thanks for reading this far.
Episode written by Andy Armitage
Dewey
THOUSAND GREETINGS! Last week I told you about how I fell victim to crime, well this week, it's more of the same... sort of.
I am a long term sperm donor. I have given so much over the years, the local sperm bank have presented me with a dear little silver mounted spermatozoa, with a little curly tail and a cheeky grin on its face, which is proudly worn on the lapel of my jacket, in a similar way to the blood donors' badge, awarded for quantity over the years.
It is considerably greater than life size, although mine are so powerful and dynamic apparently, that this is a matter for conjecture!
They tell me my donations are highly prized in the four corners of the globe. Whole towns ask for me by name and vintage. 1995 was a particularly fine year, as I recall.
I am well known, and in great demand in parts of central Peru. I have re-populated entire villages in the heart of northern Tibet and filled schools to bursting point in thinly populated regions of the former Soviet Union, virtually single-handed, if you'll pardon the expression.
So there are thousands of children growing up in these remote countries with my little sticky-out ears.
When it comes to frequency of depositing, I am not one to boast, but for two years running, I won the UK All-Comers Championship.
I well recall the first time I went to the sperm bank. to put my name down as a donor. The consultant took me into her office and pointed to a glass phial on a high shelf on the other side of the room.
"Do you think you could fill that?" she asked.
I replied "Look nurse, if you think I'm falling for that old joke, you can find yourself another donor!"
She liked my spirit, and accepted me onto the programme there and then.
You might think that donating this quantity of 'material' would bring its own reward, but I can assure you I am well remunerated for my trouble. My donations command a very high premium on the world sperm market.
The main body of my story began last Thursday. I had visited the bank to make my final deposit before next week's vasectomy. Everything went smoothly. I am there so often, I have my own space in the car park with my initials painted on the tarmac.
As usual, I was in and out of the place in under five minutes, and then off home for a ten minute sit down with a Bovril and a bathbun.
The next I knew, there was a report on the local radio that there had been a robbery at the sperm bank. A desperate gang of masked criminals had held the place up, and demanded that my sperm be handed over. They made everyone lie on the floor which was terribly inconvenient for some depositors.
Someone sounded the alarm and it seemed for a moment that they would flee empty handed but the robbers stood their ground, and so the receptionist had no choice but to go to the fridge and hand over the loot.
But the strange thing was, they only wanted mine! They must have had a tip-off about its commercial value.
It was not to be a simple robbery, where the proceeds would be divided amongst the gang to impregnate their loved ones!
It was in fact.... a kidnapping!
My phone rang.
A hoarse voice spoke gruffly:
"Listen Wormshole, we've got your sperm. Do as we say and it won't get hurt. If you try to involve the police, you'll never see it again. We want 20,000 quid in unmarked notes. I'll call again tonight, when you've had a chance to think about it. Remember Wormshole, one false move from you and the sperm gets it!"
To be continued...
Here is the update for the UK episode shown on Wednesday 12 November 1997
The opening scene involves the masculine 75% of the McDonald clan. Jim tells the lads that their mother now knows the full picture about Fiona, and adds that she heard it from the man who came so close to changing her surname last week. Andy is pretty angry with Jim and asks him why he let Liz think she was in with a chance of a reconciliation. He stomps off up the stairs, leaving the words "you disgust me" ringing in his father's ears.
Jim is faring little better with Steve, who resents even having to breathe the same air as him, and talks about not needing him as a father, a partner or anything else. Jim tries to say how sorry he is, and reminds Steve of his own chequered past, peppered as it is with mistakes, but Steve has firmly staked his claim to the moral high ground on this one.
Liz makes an appearance at the salon. At first she accosts Fiona outside, while Samantha is making an appointment for 3:00 this afternoon. Says Liz to Fiona "You had me fooled" Fiona's jaw drops open for no clear reason. It stays open. Then it stays open some more as they transfer inside the salon to continue their talk.
Fiona tells her she regretted the 'incident' as soon as it happened. "You could 'ave said nurrr!" whines Elizabeth. Fiona says it was about friendship; they were both screwed-up, and she wishes she could turn the clock back. She denies she led him on, and reminds Liz that now she has to face life alone, as a single mother. Exit Liz.
Deirdre is asking Jon what they plan to do about furniture when they eventually occupy the home of her dreams. Will he be splitting it with his ex? Jon jokes that she will be so vindictive as to chop it in half, so that everything would be fairly divided! Ultimately, he dodges the issue.
An agitated Liz arrives, desperately needing to talk to Deirdre, but as Jon is there, they make a date to meet in the pub later. This they do, and we see Liz in floods of tears as she tells Deirdre her sorry tale of woe. We are treated to a side-face shot of Mrs McD, as the camera just catches a teardrop poised precariously on the tip of her nose, just about to plop into her drink! Deirdre wonders if there might still be a chance for Liz and Jim, but Liz vehemently rules this naive notion out. She silences the entire pub with an outburst of the bare and unpalatable facts of the matter.
Moments later, she faces the villain of the peace across the bar. As she beats on his chest with her fists, she cries "you bastard, I hope you both rot in hell!" Fellow drinkers try to separate them. Andy has another dig at dad. "You satisfied now?" This is a line Andy fans will come to cherish. See below.
Fred and Ashley are working away in the Corner Shop when a prospective buyer arrives, with estate agents' details in his hand. It is none other than Arnold Stowe, and he's prepared to pay in the region of 70,000 quid for the place "if the shop comes up to snuff" Don't ask me what it means, I merely report it verbatim.
Fred gives this prospective buyer the guided tour. I rather thought Fred was intending to buy it from Maud/Maureen, then sell it on to this punter for a quick profit, but what do I know of subterfuge? Nothing! The chap is obviously very interested, but Fred throws him off the trail by telling him of a stubborn vermin infestation and the upstairs tenant's liking for late night heavy metallic music. Arnold has heard enough, and he's out the door. "Best leave it" says he. No deal.
Fred warns Ashley to keep his gob shut (his words again, not mine) as it is Fred's intention to keep the shop on for Ashley to inherit, in the fullness of time. "Think of me as your guru" he advises the lad.
Later when Maud is on duty also, Ashley flatly refuses to run a minor errand for his uncle. He is fed up with being treated as a slave, and stands up to Fred manfully. Fred storms off, talking of changing his will. Maud congratulates Ashley for not taking Fred's nonsense without question the whole time.
So Fred has to run his own errand, which involves fetching a case of wine from his erstwhile marital home. The self-same home he had vowed never again to enter. He walks about looking deflated, talking longingly to the absent Mrs. Elliott, until he sees himself in the mirror, whereupon he gives himself a pep-talk. But then we see the pep talk has not had the desired effect as his body crumples in such a way as to give the impression of the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Then we're in the salon. Samantha is in the chair, and Fiona is very nearly doing something or other to her wet locks, with the weirdest- looking plastic comb in the long and distinguished history of feminine haircare.
Maxine is wondering if Alan left any of his expensive suits behind, as it might be great sport to rip them to shreds! Partly to curb this destructive urge, Fiona sends Maxine off in quest of chocolate biscuits. In reality, the idea is to get shot of her, which affords Fiona a chance to listen to what Samantha has to tell her. She acquaints Fiona with Liz's outburst in the pub, so now Fiona knows that everyone within a five mile radius knows why the wedding had a less-than-happy outcome the other day. "You were not wrong, just human" says Samantha.
Liz is frantically trying to raise Andy on the phone. She is crying into a glass of wine as she pleads with him to answer the phone. He is there. He can hear it ringing but he chooses to ignore it. He's busy. He's packing. He leaves a note on the table, leaning up against a half glass of whisky. (It could have been whiskey, of course!) So that's him gone. Without a word. (Andy fans see above.) Another one bites the dust. Another fridge magnet to take off the door of your Zanussi!
Jim and Steve come home to an empty house. From this point on, they represent 66.6% of the McDonald roll-call. Jim reads the note and breaks the news to Steve that his brother has scarpered. Steve reckons he's done the right thing, getting away from this place!
So here's Fred, carrying the box of wine out of the house. The box which Ashley refused to help him with. But another young helper volunteers, in the shape of Nick, who is accompanied by Leanne. The favour being accomplished and the melancholy butcher gone away, Leanne has the idea to try Fred's door. As she suspects, he has not locked it properly, and so in they go.
They have a quick look round, during which time Leanne condemns it as being "out of the ark", but they both reckon it's a good enough place for a tryst later tonight, instead of going to the pictures as they'd planned.
Later, Leanne gets there first, armed with a torch, which she shines in Nick's face when he arrives, laden with snacks. She has raided Fred's drinks cabinet, so all the ingredients for a night of illicit passion are in place. "Shall we eat these first, or work up an appetite?" she purrs at him, the brazen little temptress! Testosterone wins the day, and he decides the Twiglets can wait!
We come to the final scene:
Jon is setting the places at the dinner table. Deirdre arrives home. She has been badly delayed because she has been ministering to the needy Liz. Jon says Deirdre is too kind for her own good, but she tells him how well Liz has supported her in the past.
Quoth Mrs.R "She's heartbroken; she's been lied to. I HATE people who lie!" Deirdre seems to be putting herself in her friend's place, so Jon reassures her with a big loving hug, telling her all his usual lies. But Deirdre is still feeling a wee bit insecure, saying how much more 'real' it would all feel if she was his wife.
"Let's get married, Jon"
For Jon's reply, we will just have to wait.
That's yer lot - Good night and I love you all.
Nigel
Flat: Jon is ready to leave for work. When Deirdre tries to apologise for her behaviour the previous night, mentioning the M-word, Jon curtly tells her not to worry.
House: Jim moans about Andy having gone off to London. Steve says he must have been ashamed of his name, as is Steve, and puts the blame for everything on Jim.
Shop: Leanne fishes for information about No 4 from Ashley, and discovers that Fred intends to keep it empty to ensure a quick sale. Maud is worried about accepting Fred's offer for the shop, though Ashley says he won't be running it; he's a butcher! Audrey suggests to Fiona that she could do with a break. Fiona is reluctant to leave the salon; Audrey offers to help out. Fiona politely declines, reminding Audrey that it wasn't a success previously. Maud also agrees that Fiona should escape the gossip for a while.
Street: Jim tells Liz that Andy has gone, and lets her read the letter, which says that Andy may go on to Europe. Liz blames Jim for driving him away. Jim reminds her that it was he who saved Andy from getting shop, and he who stopped Andy drinking when he did his exams.
Ginnel: Leanne tells Nick they are safe to go in No 4 again tonight. He moans that he has to buy books for college which will cost £30. Leanne grins and says he should steal them.
Salon: Rita, in a bedraggled, small and sorry for itself red wig, tells Fiona to stop cutting her hair, as she only wanted a perm. Fiona admits she can't concentrate, but is reluctant to leave Audrey in charge. Rita suggests that they put Maxine in charge, with Audrey as her assistant.
Rovers: Jack is surprised to hear from Alec that Andy has gone away. Jack takes a phone call from someone wanting the 'Golden Years Agency' and he says it is a wrong number. Alec covertly phones them back, saying they shouldn't use that number to contact him. He is upset to learn that the man involved cannot fulfil his commitment.
Shop: Fred pushes Maud to give him an answer about the shop, and sign contracts today. He threatens to pull out. Afterwards, Maud asks Ashley what she should do; he tells her to do what Maureen would have done.
Rovers: Audrey wants to get Nick a 'glass of pop' and although he asks for a beer, she isn't going to get caught like that! Fiona asks Audrey if she is still happy to work in the Salon - from today. Audrey agrees. Ken is unhappy that he hasn't found any work. Alec asks if Ken would take a friend of his out to the opera, blaming Andy's disappearance for his own inability to go. Ken wonders what the catch is, and refuses. Alec looks annoyed. Audrey and Alf give Nick the £30 for his textbooks.
Street: Maud is off to the solicitors with Fred, to finalise the sale of the shop. Jim and Fiona meet outside the Kabin, where Jim apologises for the trouble, but maintains that he saved her from a marriage made in hell, and that one day she will thank him. Fiona is unimpressed and asks Jim just what he thinks he has gained by in, and what he is living for now.
Rovers: Alec again tries to persuade Ken to go out with his 'friend', saying she is a rich widow, a businesswoman. Ken still thinks there must be a catch.
Street: Max helps Fiona into a taxi. Fi thanks Max for all she has done this week.
Shop: Maud hands over the keys of the shop to Fred and Ashley. She always said he was after the shop, and she has been proved right. Fred phones Joe Dillon and offers him a night out on the strength of the job he did the previous week. Ashley is upset to learn that he has to run the shop - to gain management experience prior to inheriting the empire.
House: Nick and Leanne creep around in semi-darkness. He says he couldn't get his textbooks, but has ordered them. They drink punch and sit against the radiator. When she gets up, Leanne pulls the radiator off the wall and water gushes out.
Flat: Dreary witters on about a customer, but Jon shuts her up, saying they have to talk. She is pleased when he doesn't rule out marriage altogether, but says he isn't ready yet.
House: Leanne wants to leave the mess, but Nick says that would be wrong, and he will call a plumber.
Rovers: Alec hasn't given up on Ken. Natalie and Kevin chat and grin to themselves. Alec, Vera and Jack bemoan a very slack Friday night, without a young glamorous barmaid to pull in the punters.
House: The plumber charges them £40, but accepts £35 when they say it is all they have. Of course, Nick's share is the £30 book money.
Rovers: Ken tells Alec he will do it. Alec is delighted and goes to phone Geraldine. He promises that Kenneth is very well preserved for his age - late 50s, and that the usual terms will apply. Credits.
Episode written by: Martin Allen
Bravery Award: Rita - for allowing herself to be shown looking so awful in the hairdressers. The small wet red hairdo did Barbara Knox no favours.
Helen
Here is the news for Sunday the 16th of November, and this is Jerry Ledbetter reading it. In tonight's main headlines:
Trouble at the shop: Ashley finds out about Fred's duplicity
Trouble at the salon: Toyah doesn't like her haircut
Trouble at the Platts: yawn
Trouble at Sunliners: Jon gets caught up in a photo shoot
A night at the Opera: Ken charms Mrs Milne out of her money
Trouble at the shop
Between them, Ashley and Maude have pieced together the whole
story of Fred's dealings to buy the shop from Maureen. This appears
to have caused a falling out between the good natured Ashley and
his uncle. Your roving reporter, Tom Good has Ashley in the Radio
car. Over to you Tom.
Thank you very much Jerry. Now Ashley, tell us how you found out about your uncle's actions.
"I were opening up the shop, like usual, and Mrs Grimes comes by. She says 'Where's Fred', so I tell her that uncle Fred has been out on a bender all night with Joe Dillon. That's when she told me all about the low offer Joe had made for her shop".
What did you do with the information?
"Well, I confronted me uncle in 'The Rover's' at lunch time about it. At first he tried to deny it, and I got so angry I told him to 'stick his job and his inheritance' and walked out. Later he came to see me as I was closing up the shop. He tried to give me some story about how Maureen had hurt him and taken his self esteem. But that is no reason to go about tricking an old woman.
"The thing is, I really looked up to me uncle Fred. Now I found out that he is just a cheat. I don't want anything more to do with him".
Thank you Ashley, now back to you Jerry.
Trouble at the salon
News of the appalling lack of skill at the hair salon threatened
to break today when both Ken and Toyah emerged with their hair
completely unchanged after the ministrations of Audrey and Maxine.
So bad was the cut that Toyah was induced to pay only after Audrey
had threatened to perform various unnatural acts with a broom
handle. Ken, however, displayed his advancing years and increasing
senility by saying that he liked his haircut. We can only assume
that he has not looked at himself in the mirror lately.
Trouble at the Platts
More fuss about Leanne and the plonk. I can't make out what it's
all about, so over to Tom.
Thank you very much Jerry. I am talking to the plonk in the radio car. Nicky, I hear you have fallen out with your mother over your continuing involvement with Leanne.
"Did you know I beat Diana's slimming disease?"
(Yawn). But to return to your mam, what is she upset about this time?
"Should I take my shirt off now?"
Is it because you borrowed money off Alf, telling him it was for a text book then spent it on fixing up your and Leanne's mess?
"Look, I can make my biceps ripple"
Is it true you asked Leanne to marry you?
"You can call me 'tight buns' if you like"
No thanks. I understand Leanne turned you down. So, a narrow escape for her. But she told you about Judy Mallatt's arrangement with Zoe didn't she?
"Why aren't we talking about me?"
Well, thank you Nicky. I have to leave now to interview a lamppost, so it's back to you Jerry.
Zzzzzzz, what? Oh right. <ahem>
Trouble at Sunliners
Jon, sporting a very flash new hire car, was cajoled into appearing
in a promotional photo shoot at Sunliners today. Jon is reported
to be worried that he will be described as Dierdre's "partner"
in the material.
A night at the Opera
Ken's night of wining, opera, dining and romance came to a disillusioned
end tonight when it emerged that his partner for the night, one
Mrs Milne of uncertain age, had in fact hired him from Alec. As
she ushered him out the door she gave him a cheque for his "fee".
Although Ken was not left out of pocket for the night, he is concerned
that his immense natural charisma should not be harnessed for
petty commercial gain. Well, not unless the fee is a good deal
larger next time anyway ;-)
@nother Kevin
I actually enjoyed tonight's episode, Alec was up to his tricks, Dreary and Linda became even more blind to Fly-boy's tricks, and Liz McMutton must have been taking her tricks elsewhere because tonight was a McDonald-free zone. In fact fish, not meat was the subject of a puerile plot device. But more of that later. are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.
We see Jon & Dreary walk past Fiona's, having left her flat over the bookies. I don't remember ever seeing that shot before, making it obvious that Skinner's was just across Rosamund Street opposite the side of Fiona's. Dreary is saying how things are just starting to go right when she realises Jon's new car, the Saab he got on Friday, isn't where she expected it to be. Jon hadn't parked it anywhere else so yup, it must be stolen! But we know he only had a demonstrator for the weekend, don't we? He assures her that 'the firm' will sort it out, he'll get onto the Police from the office, he'll take a cab. (Dreary seems to have forgotten that he works in a shop, not an office, and says nothing about this obvious error. But then, she's oblivious isn't she?)
Ashley & Maxine arrive to meet Dreary bemoaning the loss of Jon's new car. Maxine lays into Ashley over giving up his job on principle after Fred's getting one over Maud. (No puns intended, down Plowman!!) Ashley is sheepishly saying that he'll go and talk to Uncle Fred because he doesn't care for Maxine talking about him sponging off her, the sole wage earner. Just then, all sweetness, comes our Audreh, "Everything all right?". Only Audreh could convey such lust for gossip with those three words. Jodrell Bank in skirts, that's our Audreh.
Ken calls on Alec to have words about his evening soiree with Geraldine Milton at the opera. Ken enjoyed the evening, but there were one or two details that Alec had omitted from the agenda, particularly payment. He holds out a cheque which Alec tries to grasp "you can tell Mrs Milton that Ken Barlow's not for sale" and tears it up. Alec scrabbles around for the pieces.
Cut to Gail & Martin at breakfast, discussing the time Nick came in last night, and whether he was lying about his whereabouts. He is offered breakfast, won't have a mouthful but gets an earful from Gail who accuses him of being with 'the Battersby Girl', who she describes as a "Slut". "Takes one to know one" retorts Nick before being stopped by a heated exchange with Martin about dragging down to their level. "At least their level isn't as low as buying babies - ask your pal Gary Mallett" - exit Nick.
Ashley and Fred are talking about the imminent arrival of the shopfitters. Ashley is being distant and non-committal while Fred explains about his plans for Ashley to become Weatherfield Young Businessman of the Year - because he knows one of the selection committee. Ashley wants nothing to do with it because of Fred's taking advantage of Maud. Talk of the devil, here she is! "Hello Maud, me old stocking" says Fred, suggesting that she could pop round and he'd give her some choice cuts. Maud gloatingly tells him that she only eats fish now, because meat leaves a nasty taste in her mouth. The shopfitters arrive. Amazing, conveyancing done overnight, and shopfitters next day! If only real life was like that.
Vera commiserates with Dreary over the theft of Jon's car, she can remember when you could go on holiday and leave your door open. "Nowadays, [gem line coming up] if you leave your gob open for more than two minutes they pinch your false teeth" Vera still had hers in, so that disproves that. Dreary has a copy of the Weatherfield Gazette, and turns to the Sunliners article.Oh look there's two pictures, including a nice cosy tete a tete of Jon & Dreary. Vera's had a parcel from Maxwell in Las Vegas. Ken asks Dreary for any Sunliners work.
Chez Battersby, Janice is telling Leanne that she doesn't worry about the hours she keeps, but does resent Nick's mother coming round at such a late hour.
Back at Platt's, Gail is asking Nick to elaborate on what he said about Gary Mallett and the baby. When he says that Leanne saw the money, Gail dismisses it as nonsense.
In the corner shop, Maud is getting in the way of the shopfitters. There's a convenient slot in a new shop fixture, and a convenient piece of wet fish wrapped on Maud's lap. Oh dear, the devious old trout stuffs the trout in the hole!. It might not have been a trout, but who cares? It'll be smelly enough soon.
Cut to adverts.
Welcome back to part two.
Oh look, Judy's back, talking to Vera in the Rover's. Vera is excited about the present from her corsetiere friend Maxwell in Las Vegas. He's made, and sent her a new brassiere line called a 'Vera', bright red and covered in sequins. Apparently he can't get the right sort of models over there because they all have their whatsits pumped up with Silicone Chips, and Vera's the only one with wobbly ones!. Alec is looking on with distaste.
Jon & Dreary are discussing the loss of his car, but not to worry, with a fleet their size it's a hazard of the job, it'll be some time before it is replaced.
Alec's mobile rings, it's Geraldine Milton. Jack is earwigging, so Alec goes through to the back room.
Dreary shows Jon the pictures in the paper. She wants to get a print from the Gazette and use it for Christmas Cards. Tacky or what!!!!!! EEEEEEEKKK. Jon is *delighted* that it'll be in the evening paper as well.
In the back room, Alec is pleased that the evening with Ken went well, but soon realises that Jack is at the door again. Returning to Geraldine, he explains that Ken is booked up well in advance, but it appears that she offers more money. BTW, did Alec ever tell her about his chihuahua? The one that has chewed up her cheque? Yes, he would certainly appreciate a replacement. An idea forms....
We're still in the Rover's, and Gary is nattering with Jack. We don't hear the joke, but the punchline is 'I will, as long as you don't puke on my geraniums again'. Anybody know the joke? No don't bother, this lowered the tone enough. Gary wants to hear about the scanty briefs he'd heard Vera had had in the Post. Didn't look like scanty briefs to me, more like an industrial strength bra cast off from the London Palladium. Not that I've seen such a thing, of course, you understand.
And we're still in the Rover's, where Fred tries to buy Ashley's favour by suggesting he and Maxine live in No4 until it sells, which he doesn't think will be that quick. Well, turn it into a shop, Fred, and it'll sell overnight! I can't really see Fred condoning livin' over t'brush. Ashley tells him that this is a cheap trick, "so think on."
Gail & Martin are moaning in the Rover's about how Nick should have found a girlfriend at college. Martin suggests that the Zoe / Gary / Judy scenario could actually be true.
Maxine goes into the corner shop to see Ashley. He tells her about Uncle Fred's offer, and how he wasn't going to be bought like that. Maxine (do we know where she lives anyway?) is annoyed that Ashley has dismissed this heaven sent opportunity, and tells him to "get real".
Nick meets Leanne in No4, and starts questioning her about whether the Zoe's baby bit was true. She assures him that it is. "What are we going to call our baby?" "A flaming miracle".
For a change of scene we go over to the Lindsay's where Linda is siding toys while Jon reads the paper. She's getting concerned about his travelling, Gatwick, Stanstead, Head Office. She never sees him. He should put his foot down and tell them he's got a family. Surprisingly, she snatches the paper from him, wondering if she might find a new job for him, nearer home. One page has a neat square cut out of it, but it's all right, says Jon, he checked to see there was nothing important on the other side before cutting out the special offer coupon. I'm actually beginning to enjoy his inventiveness.
Despite only having Teabags and nappies in stock, and is undergoing a major refit, the corner shop still seems to be open for business. Fred is spouting about the new emporium, Weatherfield Young Businessman etc to Ashley when Maxine comes in to encourage Ashley to raise the subject of No4 again. Fred tries to suggest that they're too late, but quickly admits that he's pulling their legs. Janice Battersby comes in, and wonders what the odd smell is. Is it fish? No, it'll be the glue, says Fred. But glue's made from horses? says La Battersby. "Horses, Fish, same thing" says our species identificationally challenged purveyor of fresh flesh.
Linda Lindsay is cuddling with Jon, suggesting that they don't see much of each other, what they really need is a holiday. "You've got your £5000 bonus in the Building Society" she says. (Funny thing that, she discovered it when she went to the Bank. I know the distinction between banks and building societies is a bit blurred these days, but a customer would be consistent in the nomenclature of their financial services provider...). Jon thinks this is amazing, he'd been thinking just the same.
Back in the Rover's, Vera is being all unnecessary with the new bra. Jack somehow loses his braces. How we laughed.
Ashley is drinking a sherry with Maud. Sherry Ashley? Yer big Jessie. He tells her that he feels guilty for taking number 4 from Fred, but he doesn't want her thinking that he's sided with Fred now. She tells him that he's a good lad, and that Fred will find he's bitten off more than he can chew "When The Emporium Strikes Back" (This is getting like The Simpsons with it's references to other progs!).
Ken comes in, orders a pint from Jack, and ignores Alec when he tries to serve him instead, even though Alec wants to buy his drink. Alec tries a new tack, returning with an envelope containing £50 for Ken's 'professional services'. "Now, are you sure you won't have that drink, on the house?" Ken fingers the cash, and nods.
Cue credits.
Alec, you're a pimp!
Episode written by Peter Mills.
I'll try to finish 'The Lion and Albert' for next week, but I think the muse has gone on holiday......
Cheers, Dewey
A THOUSAND GREETINGS! ...."remember Wormshole...one false move from you and the sperm gets it!"
I was stunned. For a few moments I could do nothing. I replaced the receiver and called the sperm bank. They were still clearing up from the robbery and establishing that indeed mine was the only 'stock' missing.
I spoke to Big Fiona there, who agreed that I should pay the ransom and not try to involve Scotland Yard's Genetic Incident Squad so I called round there and collected the money. Most of the depositors prefer cash, so they normally have plenty in hand, so to speak.
I took the cash home and waited for the next call from the kidnappers. Sure enough:
Him: "You got the dosh, Wormshole?"
Me: "How do I know the sperm's okay? This could be a trick, and it's already dead"
Him: "You don't. You'll just 'ave to trust me. We got the sperm nice and cold in a Thermos flask. 'ere, listen...."
Presumably he shook the flask near the phone, but I heard nothing. Perhaps he expected them to be calling "daddy, daddy, pay the nasty man the money" etc, etc.
He told me I must meet him the next day at 2:00 at Waterloo Station, under the great clock, where I would hand over the cash, and he would give me the flask. I agreed to come alone. It seemed appropriate under the circumstances!
But I was one jump ahead of him. There was a trick up my sleeve in the form of the SPERM LIGHT! All that night, I shone its powerful beam into the cloudy London skies. It's rather like the Bat Light they use in Gotham City, but the symbol is a spermatozoa with a scared look on its face. It means trouble! Big trouble.
At 2:00 the following day, I was there at Waterloo Station. I was nervous.
I was scared to hell.
There was no sign of any help for me. In the distance as I approached the clock, I saw three burly looking men waiting. One of them was carrying a red plastic Thermos flask. They spotted me. I walked towards them. It was a tense time. I came to within a few feet of them. Thousands of people were hurrying by, unaware of the desperate drama which was being played out.
The man with the flask spoke first:
"Bloody 'ell Wormshole, lookin' at you, I can't see why people are prepared to pay so much for what's in this flask!" His henchmen laughed.
"Well, you wouldn't understand, would you? The fact is I have hidden qualities, and I'm kind to animals"
According to his instructions, I placed the bag containing the cash on the ground, and retreated to the photo booth while they unzipped it and quickly scanned the contents. When they were satisfied, with a smirk he casually tossed the flask to me, which thankfully I caught.
They turned to disappear into the crowd. But wait... a noise in the distance.... louder... louder... the yelling, whooping and cheering of excited children... louder... people turn to look. They cannot believe their eyes. At least 150 of my children have responded to the Sperm Light and are dashing through the crowds of London commuters, who part before the seething unstoppable mass like the Red Sea.
All the children are dressed alike, in black sweaters with the smiling sperm motif. They all look the same. They all have brown eyes, black hair and the little sticky-out ears!
An unforgettable sight!
Rescue is at hand!
The men start to run, but my children are everywhere, and being mine, they are athletic, determined and super-fit!
"Get the buggers, kids!" I shout in triumph, with tears of excitement and pride in my eyes.
"Okay dad" they yell back, as they stream past me.
By sheer weight of numbers, they overpower the criminals. Their combined noise is deafening, echoing round the famous old station. One of my older kids has already called the Genetic Incident Squad on his mobile, and police sirens are wailing outside in the street.
Well, they recovered all the money and held the kidnappers captive until the authorities took over.
The sperm was safe.
The Chief Inspector came up to me when the fracas had died down and the men were in custody.
"Well, you must be this Mr Wormshole I have heard so much about. Quite a family you've got there. Some very bright kids. I've got a couple of kids you know, in fact I think I have a picture here in my wallet"
He took a brown leather wallet from inside his tunic, and proudly showed me a picture of his two boys.
They looked like twins, although they were born two years apart. They both had brown eyes, black hair and the little sticky-out ears.
He smiled at me, and said with a wink, "they're good lads, Mr Wormshole.... good lads"
I looked at the pictures, smiled and nodded as I handed back the wallet.
He turned and walked away.
Here is the update for the UK episode shown on Wednesday 19 November 1997:
Lies, lies and more lies seemed to be the order of the day.
The first one comes when Nick is about to leave for college and he tells his anxious mum that he's finished with Leanne, in order to concentrate on his work. This is not even a new lie, it's a recycled old one.
Score half a point for a recycled falsehood.
But Gail is delighted, and gives his hand a little squeeze of approval as she apologises for being so hard on him lately. Then Leanne appears at the door to accompany him to college, so this was the shortest-lived lie of the evening, but still counts as one point.
Gail warns Leanne that there is such a thing as slander. She is referring to Leanne's claim about the Malletts buying Zoe's baby. Leanne stands her ground. Later in the Rovers, Gail and Martin are discussing this, and Martin reckons there really could be something in it, judging from Leanne's face and the illogicality of her making up such an unlikely story.
The Corner Shop is receiving a new coat of paint to the exterior, and Fred has got some pink posters printed to tell the world that the place is under new management. In the pub, he announces staggering introductory offers (on some lines, mind). The principal irresistible offer appears to be a complimentary steak and kidney pie to anyone who spends over 10 quid!
Ashley asks him if he thinks Maxine moving in with him might signify her willingness to marry, but Fred counsels extreme caution, and not to rush out and buy the diamond cluster quite yet. He leaves Ashley in charge as he goes off on his marketing campaign, telling him to spray the vegetables every couple of hours or so, to keep them looking fresh.
When Ashley enters the shop, he is almost rendered unconscious by the overpowering smell. This is the poison poisson secreted by Maud inside one of the fixtures. The Weatherfield Whiff is soon the talk of the pub. Samantha (in a black leather skirt!) is the first one to acquaint Fred with the existence of the mystery odour.
Within a few short moments, he is there with Ashley, searching high and low for its source, but without success.
We see Nick and Leanne again together as cuckoos in their borrowed love nest. It's not long before the lure of the TV gives way to the lure of upstairs. Hell, even I was young once, so I remember the feeling! Little do they know that this is also the night that Ashley and Maxine are moving in.
As soon as they come through the front door, it's clear all is not as it should be. "Who's been sleeping in my bed" says mummy bear, etc. You know the routine.
There's a big confrontation when the lovers come down the stairs, and Ashley discovers that this occasion is not just a one-off. Maxine is all in favour of calling the police, but Ashleys opts for leniency, and says "scarper, you pair of monkeys!" Maxine wallops him for lacking the backbone to call the cops. It was one of the most believable moments of the episode.
Male prostitute and fledgling gigolo Ken is warming to the idea of being a male escort. He has a couple of scenes with Alec along these lines. It seems to be more a case of financial expediency than anything else, or so he tells Alec. The third lie of the night?
Alec lays on the flattery with a trowel, and later slips Ken a paper with tomorrow's 'assignment' on it. This time, it is to be an evening in the company of one Elaine Winterburn, who needs to be escorted to the dental hygienists' annual 'do'. Ken promises to floss before the event.
Don't talk to me about flossing. The other day I was watching German satellite TV rather late at night. There was a bizarre cabaret act. The main thrust of this particular young man's act was achieved with a condom. He held one end of it, and sniffed the rest of it up his nose. Then after a series of violent choking and snorting noises, the free tip of it emerged at the back of his throat. Still holding the other end in his left hand, he reached inside his mouth with the right hand and pulled it, and so proceeded to floss it back and forth through his nasal passage! Well, you know me, any act involving a condom, hitherto untried, and I'm your man! I was off work for two days. I'll say no more about it; only to say I don't know the German for "Don't try this at home!"
Anyway, Alec advises Ken to invest in a dinner jacket and bow tie. Ken prefers to hire, and he's relieved to hear Alec's assurance that the Agency provides only companions and nothing more sinister or immoral than that.
The renovation work is now complete at the site for which Steve put up the money, back in the heyday of Webster, McDonald and McDonald. It is the day when the final inspection is to take place, and Steve has contrived to be alone in the building when Mr Slater comes to have a look round and hand over the cheque. But it's Steve's ex, Rachel who comes instead. He tries to worm his way back into her affections, but she's really giving him the icy treatment. He offers her all the usual nonsense; how he feels about her, and about getting Fiona out of his system etc, and what do you know... she falls for it!
She agrees to accept the drink he's begging to buy her. We then see the two of them in the pub, where she hands over the cheque. She admits that her talk of having another boyfriend was a fiction "to wind him up".
At the bar, his father asks about the whereabouts of the money. He tells him it's already safely in the bank. Lie number 27 probably, if you're still keeping a tally!
Then we're in the splendid house that Deirdre thinks she's buying with Jon. More lies are on the horizon when Jon-boy is on screen. It is, in fact the house of Captain Ian Jenkins. He's going away for six months to Singapore, and he's leaving Jon in temporary charge. As soon as the genuine captain is out of the door, Jon is rifling through his private papers. He finds his driving licence, and reaches for the phone to make an appointment for a mortgage consultant to call.
Sure enough, he calls and he's more than satisfied with Jon's financial status. Jon signs the mortgage papers, posing as his pal Ian Jenkins, and produces the driving licence as proof of identity.
The deal is done, much to Deirdre's delight. He tells her the good news when he gets back to her place. He also tells her he has changed over to a different solicitor, so if it's okay with her, he'll be handling everything from now on. By this time, this befuddled viewer, not being naturally inclined towards statistics, has lost count of the number of lies!
Now, saying how he is just an old-fashioned sort of guy, with such a strong desire to protect her, he drops onto one knee at Deirdre's feet, holding up a blue velveteen ring box.
He utters the words "Will you marry me?"
Before she can reply, he continues "I told you I'd surprise you one day"
Oh yes, Deirdre, you sweet trusting thing you...one day he really will surprise you!
Deirdre is speechless.
That's yer lot - Good night and I love you all.
Nigel
Secrets and Lies - the truth will out;
Murder most Horrid? - Roy fuels Ashley's imagination;
and What's In a Name? - coincidence? Dreary is too short-sighted to wonder.All this, and violence as well, as the girls dust off their knuckle-dusters and a street slapper is on the receiving end of Judy's punch. Whew - they'll have to put this on after the 9 o'clock watershed if this level of violence between the female characters continues.
Street: Audrey grills Nick about his relationship with Leanne; making it clear she doesn't think one of that 'common as muck' family is good enough for her grandson. 'Yeah, and we're members of the aristocracy?' he retorts (well, actually, Nick, you may have something there....) Nick sees Gary and Judy emerging from their house and gives his grandmother something else to think about but telling her the Malletts have done some awful things.
Shop: The shop still stinks - so much so that Dreary decides to take her custom elsewhere. Jim arrives to investigate the drains.
Salon: Audrey tells the whole story of Gary and Judy's baby to Maud and Maxine. Deirdre pops in to book a manicure for later. She needs to look her best for a celebration tonight in the Rovers, as she and Jon have got engaged. Audrey admires Deirdre's ring, which she says belonged to Jon's grandmother. When the smell in the shop is mentioned, Maud looks guilty but says nothing.
Shop: Jim pronounces the drains all clear, and asks Ashley if Steve has been around. Ashley keeps flapping the door, but can't enlighten Jim about his son's whereabouts.
Rovers: Audrey seizes her opportunity and joins Martin and Gary. She asks about the baby, then wonders aloud how Zoe came to abandon the child. Gary tries to change the subject. Audrey presses on, remarking how surrogacy is happening a lot nowadays.
Shop: Roy surveys the smell, and recommends they call Environmental Health. Ashley looks increasingly uncomfortable as Roy tells him about the smell of fear, and that nothing smells as evil as a decomposing human corpse. Ashley looks pale.
House: Gary shares with Judy his fear that Audrey knows their story. Judy defiantly maintains that no-one has any proof. Gary tries to explain how awkward he felt, which she would know if she had been there. Judy says she would have clouted Audrey if she had been there!
Sunliners: Jon's wife chooses a holiday, with Deirdre's help. Her two children attempt to destroy the model aeroplane in the background. Linda is nervous about spending as much as £1500 on a holiday, but her husband has just had a bonus, so .......
Salon: Ashley shares his theory with Maxine: his uncle Fred has buried Maureen under the floor in the shop and faked her disappearance. Maxine tells him he watches too much telly - but she wriggles uneasily as Ashley refuses to return to the shop alone.
Sunliners: Linda hesitates about booking without clearing it with her husband, then decides to go ahead. Deirdre does raise an eyebrow when Linda gives her name, and then Jon's; Linda quickly corrects Deirdre that it is Lindsey with an S-E-Y, not S-A-Y as she had assumed. Deirdre looks relieved.
House: Judy calls on Martin to ask what Audrey had been saying. Martin repeats the whole story that Leanne has been spreading. Judy assures Martin that it is not true that Gary is not the father, and that they paid for the baby. Nick arrives, and Martin confronts him, saying he must not spread any more lies. Nick defends Leanne, saying she is no liar, and challenges Judy about the money that Zoe showed to Leanne. Judy decides to lie her way out, by claiming that Zoe stole it from them, and it was actually money they had withdrawn to buy a car.
House: Maxine would like to cuddle Ashley but he still smells. She asks Ashley about Fred's first wife. Ashley says she died of a heart attack, at about 45. They agree it is a bit young, maybe, and have scared each other about how weird Fred is, when there is a commotion at the front door. Fred barges in, demanding to know why the shop is shut. Ashley says he won't go back. Fred orders him to go in the next morning and clear all the shelves, and look under the floorboards if necessary - to sort out the smell. Ashley and Max exchange nervous glances. Fred then gives them a rent book - the real reason he called - saying it will be 50 quid a week. Ashley starts to protest he thought it was free, but Fred silences him with an evil grimace.
Rovers: Congratulations all round to Jon and Deirdre. Deirdre laughingly tells Jon about Linda Lindsey, who booked a holiday for her and Jon - though it is spelt differently, so it's OK. Deirdre says she was nearly having kittens. Jon smiles uneasily as Deirdre laughs about the coincidence.
House: Jim returns to find Steve with his suitcases. Steve gives Jim a cheque for the flats and starts to leave. Jim stops him saying it isn't enough money. Steve reminds him that all he put into the partnership was the van, while Steve put in 15 grand; therefore, Steve gets the profits, and Jim gets a wage. Jim is gobsmacked by his son's outburst and just watches him walk away.
House: Nick tells Leanne that Zoe had lied to her. Leanne doesn't believe Judy's version of events, and is upset that her friend is being accused of theft and lying.
House: Judy and Gary wonder why they got involved, though don't regret having Katy. Gary says it was all for Judy, and he wishes they had done things properly. There is a hammering on the door, and it is Leanne. Still on the doorstep, Leanne screams accusations at Gary and Judy, culminating with "You can't have a baby of your own because you had an abortion at 16!'" At this, Judy punches Leanne in the face. Nick and Gary drag them apart. Inside, Judy and Gary can only look despairingly at each other, as, disturbed by the shouting and slamming of doors, Katy begins to bawl. Credits.
Episode written by Sally Wainwright.
Helen
Here is the news for Sunday the 23rd of November, and this is Jerry Ledbetter reading it. In tonight's main headlines:
Fish found - the source of the shop smell is sorted
Zoe stole our £2000 says Gary
Trouble at t'Rover's - will Natalie get her job back?
Jon gives Dierdre a gold card - but whose is the bill?
The source of the shop smell is sorted
In our main story of the evening, the rumours of the flesh eating
killer tomato haunting the corner shop have proved to be unfounded.
In the latest food scare to hit the papers, Fred's shop was reported
as being at the heart of a food hygiene scandal. However, all
such talk has been squashed today by Fred himself, who, with cleaning
expert Frank Cockcroft, got to the bottom of the smell. Now we
cross live to Weatherfield, where your roving reporter, Tom Good,
is talking to Fred. Over to you Tom.
Thank you very much Jerry. Now Fred, the neighbourhood is buzzing with the news that you have taken all your stock to the tip and eliminated the nasty smell that has been putting off your customers.
"Well, Tom I did that. But I want to make it perfectly clear, I say I want to make it clear, that it was not the stock that caused the smell. Ashley said at the time we emptied the shop, that stuff in tins and bottles couldn't smell like that. He's a nice lad Ashley, a bit impressionable, but a nice lad."
Yes, but you say it was not the stock causing the bad smell?
"Oh no, that were a piece of trout, I say a piece of trout that someone had left down the top of me counter. Now we don't sell fish, never have, it's all the wrong sort of colour, so I don't know how it got there. Like as not some rival left it there, or paid the workmen to slip it in when I wasn't looking."
It must have cost you a lot to dump all your stock. What have you done with it?
"Well, I told Frank to take it down to the local tip. Young Ashley was half minded to give it to the poor in Africa, but I'm not taking it on meself to organise an air lift. Anyway, I wouldn't insult them by sending stuff that wasn't good enough for us in Weatherfield."
Actually Fred, I understand that you have restocked the shop this evening with exactly the same goods you removed this morning.
"That is a terrible thing to say. Who has told you that?"
Ashley and Maxine surprised Frank and you restocking this evening didn't they?
"It is a funny thing, Tom, I say it is a funny thing: This morning Ashley says I shouldn't throw out the food because there is nothing wrong with it, but this evening he says I shouldn't have kept it. I wish the lad would make up his mind.
"I mean to say Tom, he told me today that he is relieved to find the smell is only caused by a fish. He had wondered if I might have murdered Maureen and put her under the floor boards. Now he finds I'm not a mass murderer, he is disappointed because I bent the truth a bit about my stock. There's no pleasing the boy, I say, no pleasing him".
Thank you Fred, now back to you Jerry.
Zoe stole our £2000 says Gary
On the street today, Gary defended Judy's violence to Leanne by
accusing Zoe of stealing £2000 from them. I'm joined by
Gary in the studio. Gary, welcome to the show.
"Thanks Jerry."
There has been rather a lot of violence on the show lately hasn't there?
"Well what do you expect Jerry. Jude can't have folk going 'round accusing us of buying a baby like, can she?"
How did Leanne's parents react to Judy's outburst?
"Les came 'round to thump someone, but when I explained about Zoe and the money he came to see things from our point of view."
Notwithstanding that you have satisfied Les, what Leanne said is true isn't it Gary? How long do you think you can keep the truth from coming out?
"I don't know Jerry. I didn't want to buy this baby in t'first place. Why couldn't we just have adopted or something. It was only Jude's strength of will that got me to go along with it.
"But now we have 'bought' Katy, thrown Zoe out on the streets and lied about her taking our money. Jude goes about thumping anyone who says the truth. The thing that worries me, Jerry, is this, where are we going to draw the line. Just what are we prepared to do to keep little Katy?"
I hope it will all work out for you two. Thank you Gary.
In the meantime, we understand that all this scandal over Zoe has caused a falling out between Leanne and the plonk. Despite his amazing new "worried" look, complete with slightly furrowed forehead, Leanne left Nicky out in the cold this evening when he complained they were talking about Zoe too much and not enough about him. Nicky consoled himself with the thought that at least she left him their pair of gloves.
Trouble at t'Rover's - will Natalie get her job back?
Alec offered Natalie her old job at the "Rover's" today
as the staff struggled to cope with the lunch time rush. Although
he has not yet squared his action with Vera, Alec is confident
that he and Jack can win her over. Natalie is said to have asked
for a substantial wage increase to return to the bar.
Jon gives Dierdre a gold card - but whose is the bill?
Two timing Jon gave Dierdre breakfast in bed today, complete with
a gold visa card. After breakfast he left to break the news to
his other other-half that the holiday she had planned was off.
I can't keep track of this man's life and he seems to be less
able to himself. Can there be two or perhaps even three of him?
Is cloning technology at Weatherfield General more advanced than
we had realised? Will the weight of all that suspended disbelief
cause permanent damage when it does fall? These and other questions
will be addressed in a special report later this evening. Only
on Radio Weatherfield.
@nother Kevin
We had a crisis this weekend. The monitor packed up on Friday night. I tried swapping cables around, but couldn't get any power to the screen. Panic - how could I get my daily fix of ratucs? How could I visit CSVU? Saturday I went to my friendly local computer shop, who diagnosed premature death of the monitor. The power supply had gone west. Came home £145 lighter, but I can get my fixes again.
Nurse - the tablets please.
Here's my update for Monday 24th November, in which we see the return of Alma and Zoe, Maud still revels in Fred's discomfort, and we see very little of Maxine (Hurrah shouts the Plowman!!!!!).
First off we visit the Battersby household where Toyah is moaning that she couldn't have a lie in because Leanne flushed the toilet and woke Les up. Leanne is still troubled at being called a liar by all and sundry over her sharing of the Gary/Judy/Katie arrangement. That's the last we see of Toyah, because, you'll remember, that she goes kickboxing on a Monday.
Out in the Street are the objects of her scandalmongering. Leanne stands outside her house, and Gail goes over to speak to the Malletts. Leanne slides (or sidles, whichever anagram you prefer) over, and comments "two thousand quid ?, you don't get much for your money". Gail tries to assure Judy that no-one in the Street believes anything the Battersbys say. She explains that Nick isn't going out with Leanne anymore after their row.
Over at Over Skinner's, Jon is seeing Dreary off to work. He explains that he's got some stock returns to sort out, so he'll do it at the flat. As soon as she's gone, he's on the phone to Dorothy at Sunliners cancelling the holiday that Linda had booked. Ah ha! So Dreary is a friend of Dorothy! Ooops sorry wrong thread! His excuse is that there's been a family crisis, their little girl has been badly hurt in a car accident. (I wonder if there'll be complaints to the IBA over that one? A bit insensitive?)
We go over to the Coronation Street Garage where Nastily is telling Kevin that Alec has been on the phone again, asking her to go to work at the Rover's. Kevin suspects that her demands for a pound more than the going rate will mean watering the beer and less satisfaction for him! After all, that's all he has to look forward to after a hard day! <G>
In the back room of the Rover's, Jack is trying to wheedle out of Alec that 'Golden Years' is nobbut a dating agency. Alec tries to assure him that it's an escort agency for unaccompanied ladies of a certain age. "And you're palming 'em off with Ken Barlow?". Jack thinks he would be a good escort, he's interested, even desperate. But Vera arrives, for the house meeting, and has a bit of trouble removing her blue marigolds.
The corner shop is now fully restocked, but not open for business when Maud comes in. (How does she get up the step into a closed shop?) Fred complains that the episode has cost him thousands, but the insurance company will only pay up if rotten fish is in the small print. He's convinced it's commercial sabotage led by Tommy Garbutt from Ladysmith Street "You know, the butcher wi' three fingers missing?" Maud insists that he deserved the incident after getting £8000 off the asking price. After Fred's gone to the wholesalers, Ashley tells Maud that if it is industrial sabotage, then they're "really up against it". Maud admits that she planted the fish because she was angry, and that she doesn't care that Fred could have been ruined.
The Rover's management meeting are discussing the hiring of Nastily Horrid. Vera, as always, is dead against it, but Jack sends Alec off to make the tea and reminds Vera that without Alec they go out of business. For once Vera sees sense and acquiesces. "But she won't be here long if she doesn't pull her weight".
Jon arrives at Sunliners to show furniture catalogues to Dreary. She is reluctant to spend on the Gold Card, but Jon insists "Spend, Spend, Spend". (Which of course is a reference to a former scriptwriter, Jack Rosenthal).
Cut to Leanne waiting outside the Whalley Range home for wayward girls, or whatever. Before long Zoe comes out, not expecting to see Leanne. Leanne's reticence soon convinces Zoe that "something's up". They sit on the steps, smoking, Zoe explaining that the money had all gone. Leanne tells her that "they're saying that you dumped the baby on them and stole the money". Zoe realises that Leanne must have said something, and lays into her for speaking about her business. Because they're both being called liars, Leanne encourages Zoe to come back to the Street to put the stories right - and she could see her little girl again.
We're back at the garage where Alec is still chasing Natalie, and he'll talk money when she's back behind the bar. He wins her over.
Oh-oh, the girls are in the Rover's - Maxine, Dreary, Audreh, Alma making a welcome return, and Liz, not making a welcome departure. Dreary is droning about how wonderful her life is going to be in the new house with all the built in mod. cons. - including a dishwasher!!! Audreh would love a dishwasher - "you've got Alf" says Alma. Somehow, I can't imagine Audreh not having a dishwasher. Dreary asks Alma if she would do the catering at her housewarming for a couple of dozen - but nothing from Firman's or smelly from Fred's.
Steve comes in, and Liz criticises him for the dirty trick he played on Jim over the profit share on the last job. Steve cancels his pint order, telling her that it would make him very happy to do it again, and leaves.
Ken comes in for a Whisky, and discusses the success of his latest job, with Mrs Ramage. He's beginning to see the merits in the existence of Golden Years. Alec has another job for him tonight, escorting Mrs Dalrymple who doesn't like going to the theatre on her own.
Natalie arrives, and Vera sends her straight into the back to wash her hands. "If you can't be nice, be neutral" says Jack.
Back at the Corner Shop, Fred now begins to suspect Maureen's involvement. Ashley incurs Fred's wrath by referring to her as Maureen Holdsworth, "Maureen Elliott" screams Fred. At last Fred accepts that he pulled a fast one, and that he regrets it. Ashley wonders if he could forgive the perpetrator if he ever found out who it was. No, Fred doesn't bear any grudges, but he'd still show no mercy if he found out.
Zoe and Leanne arrive chez Battersby. Leanne tells her that she was a mug, the Malletts saw her coming, and that £2000 wasn't enough. Is there a blackmail story looming?
The Rover's is quiet, Nastily is chatting with Kevin. Vera doesn't like this fraternisation. We've been here before, haven't we?
Audreh wants to know whether Fred's industrial espionage is the Triads or the Yardies? Maud corrects her in that the Yardies don't run protection rackets, they deal in drugs. Maud had contacts in low places, says Fred. No, Maud reads the papers and listens to the wireless.
Jack wants a minute with Ken, pumping for information on "women of a certain age looking for a good night out". Is there anything more than that? Jack plays the dirty old man bit, determined to believe that naughtiness follows, and he wants a share.
Leanne takes Zoe to the Malletts, and does the knocking for her, telling her to say the first thing that comes into her head. What will it be, when Judy opens the door? "Hello Judy". Judy looks a little surprised.
- And that was it. Not particularly good compared to the last two or three.
Episode written by Catherine Hayes.
Dewey, Hitchin, UK
A THOUSAND FINAL GREETINGS, as I begin to type the words of my last Update.
For a little over a year, I have shared my thoughts and my imagination with you.
It's been wonderful. The thing that has made it so memorable has been the warmth of the responses I have received from so many people, all over the world. But all things must pass, and I feel it's time to step back and let someone else take it forward.
It's been quite a year, including:
25.12.96 Christmas Supermarket Trip
1.1.97 Horoscope for 1997
15.1.97 Cryogenics
22.1.97 Alien Abduction
29.1.97 Improving my mind
5.2.97 Home Gadgets
12.2.97 Online Home Surgery
19.2.97 The Health Farm (Gummi)
26.2.97 The Health Farm (Gummi)
5.3.97 The Health Farm (Gummi)
12.3.97 Harlingtons Throop
19.3.97 Update Readers' Responses
26.3.97 Cult Activity
2.4.97 Cult Activity Part 2
9.4.97 Dominic's Update
16.4.97 Aussie Dickie Earl
23.4.97 Real Ale
30.4.97 Beverley Callard Video
7.5.97 I don't mind clouds
14.5.97 Computer Travellers
21.5.97 Whoring the updates
28.5.97 Leisure Pool
4.6.97 Leisure Pool Part 2
11.6.97 Special Update Forces
18.6.97 Special Update Forces Part 2
25.6.97 Selling Maggie to the Arabs
2.7.97 Weatherfield Handover
16.7.97 Fashion Casualty
23.7.97 Adam and Eve
30.7.97 Weatherfield Gangsters
13.8.97 My birthday presents
20.8.97 Spell Checker
27.8.97 Update Burger Bar
3.9.97 Princess Diana
10.9.97 updates Roadshow
24.9.97 Moroccan Customs Problems
1.10.97 QVC
8.10.97 Don on the Run!
15.10.97 Gardening/Personal Advice
22.10.97 Locked in the Store
29.10.97 Locked in the Store Part 2
5.11.97 Smash and grab at my shop.
12.11.97 Sperm bank robbery
19.11.97 Sperm bank robbery Part 2
Tens of thousands of words, and a labour of love from start to finish.
Once again my heart-felt thanks to all those who have taken the time and trouble to write and say they've enjoyed what I've written. Thank you for allowing me to inform and (hopefully) entertain you with my Wednesday wordplay.
My hope is that I've made you laugh once or twice, and that I have given you a personal glimpse into my head, for I believe that's what any sort of creative effort should be founded upon.
Here is the update for the UK episode shown on Wednesday 26 November 1997:
Very rarely, a new episode starts exactly where the previous one left off. That's the case tonight as we're on the doorstep, where Judy is facing the returned Zoe. "I've nothing to say to you" says Judy and slams the door. Zoe stands there for a moment, as though not knowing what to do next, when Ashley comes by and asks her is she's okay. She tells him she's fine and goes off to report to Leanne. A distraught Judy gets straight on the phone to Gary, and he drops the bit of cable he's laying at the time (we assume) and hot-foots it home.
Leanne gives Zoe a pep talk, telling her to demand more cash, but Zoe doesn't seem to be a very willing participant in this scheme. Les comes in to find the two girls there, and he gives Zoe a piece of his mind. Steady on Les, there's not much of it to start with! Zoe argues back, saying she has told nothing but the truth about the baby deal.
Gary gets home to find his wife packing her things, and ready to skip, away from the present troubles. He manages to calm her down a bit, and says if Zoe only wants to talk, then they should talk to her. By this time, Zoe and Leanne are back on the doorstep. Zoe says she won't go away, so Gary lets her in. By the time they get through to the front room, Judy has disappeared. We then see her click-clacking down the ginnel, baby in arms, bound for who-knows-where!
Fred is overseeing Ashley unloading fresh stock into the shop. Who's minding the butcher's shop all this while? That's what inquiring minds are asking!
Fred says the person who planted the offending mystery fish did them a favour in precipitating a good clear-out of slow moving stock. The question arises of a new name for the shop. Ashley ventures The Up- Market Market, but Fred doesn't quite agree. "This street needs meat" he booms. He needs a name which will speak of quality... how about.... ELLIOTTS! Nothing more, nothing less!
Later on, he actually entertains the notion that the delivery man might be some sort of industrial spy for the "other side" whoever they might be! Ashley tells him not to get so worked up, and hints that the saboteur might not be a competitor hell-bent on grocery espionage, but he clams up when Fred tries to get him to tell what he knows.
In the pub, Ashley plants the idea in Fred's mind that he will be needing an assistant. After all, he will be wanting someone to mind the store when he needs to "wash his hands". Fred points out the crippling cost of staff these days, but agrees to at least consider the idea. A new character on the horizon, I wonder?
Samantha is out cleaning the windows in her short skirt. That's one of the oldest jokes in the book, but as it's my last night, you'll permit me, I'm sure. You know, 'I went downstairs and opened the door in my pyjamas' etc.
There is a spectator, who is wishing she did have windows in her skirt. It's Les, and he tells her she's missed a bit. Everyone says that when they see someone cleaning their windows don't they? Either that or "you can come and do mine when you've finished" or the ever popular "you'll make it rain, doing that!"
Foolishly, she believes him, and stretches over to the opposite corner, showing a bit more leg in the process, to Les's delight. An intake of breath from him, accompanied by an "ooohhh". This episode has clearly got his libido in gear, as he tells her later in the pub that she's too good for the place, and how gorgeous she is, and all that old tosh. A load of old eyewash, my mother used to say.
He praises her legs as well. "They're blinders, them"
Natalie has a quiet word with Les, telling him to back off from Samantha, so he apologises to her. All this while, Des has been quietly observing these unwanted lustful advances, and picks this moment to dive in and tell Les to sling his hook. This makes Samantha rather cross. "I can take care of myself" she tells him angrily, and Des must be wondering what he's done wrong.
The Golden Years Escort Agency story moves on falteringly tonight. Jack hints to Alec that he would be more the sort of 'escort' the discerning ladies would appreciate. Ken is miffed with Alec that Jack seems to know all about their little business arrangement. Alec assures him that Jack is all bluster and guesswork, and that he is possessed of a "salacious streak".
Alec assures Ken that tonight's lucky lady, Mrs Dalrymple is "easily gratified". My feeble mind boggled, I tell you!
There are a couple of scenes where Deirdre's foolish head is spinning with the wonder of life at present. She takes out her Gold Card and Liz is suitably impressed. Even more so to learn there is no spending limit imposed by the impostor himself!
Deirdre is in domestic appliance heaven. At last she can buy those things she's always dreamed of, but never been able to afford. Things like.... a slow cooker! Deirdre, you can have ours! Honest, it's been used once, about 15 years ago, since when it has lain dormant, just waiting for the signal from you. I'm sure we could even dig out the recipe book which came with it at the time, if you'd like! Think about it Deirdre. But hey, you wouldn't even have to pay for it with your spanking new card. I'd accept payment in kind. Maybe two or three nice silk ties?
Thinking about it though Deirdre, I'd go easy on that Gold Card if I were you; there may be trouble ahead...
Deirdre is further in a swoon at the very thought of her new Power Shower with no less than FIVE pressure settings! Dizzy heights indeed!
Back to the main story of the night.
Following the sudden disappearance of Judy, Gary and Zoe are left to talk. It seems she doesn't want the baby back. She really only wants to know she's well and thriving. He offers her all the cash he has on him, which amounts to 50 quid. She is offended at this and tells him to "stuff it".
Judy phones from the place she's run to, which is a busy shopping centre. It's decorated for Christmas; Santa is there doing great business, and people are hurrying by with their purchases. As she's speaking to Gary on the phone, asking him to come and fetch her, a man walks by. He has on an overcoat and a disappointed look. As for the overcoat, we can only guess, but the disappointed look springs from the fact that he is carrying the board game Monopoly under his arm. He is plainly a man who went out in quest of Chicken Limbo, but couldn't find it anywhere and obviously had to fall back on the old favourite Monopoly!
We could have told him where to find a set of Chicken Limbo, couldn't we? I'm sure it would still have been there, unsold.
Zoe has told Gary that she's blown the cash. All gone. He tells her to leave, but I'm sure she won't disappear gracefully just yet.
We come to the final scene which takes place in the now-deserted shopping centre. Santa has packed away his reindeer for the night and there's an old bloke sweeping-up in the background. Gary bounds down the escalator to meet Judy and the wee one. To the muted strains of Jingle Bells, it's all smiles as Gary tells Judy that Zoe hadn't come to take back the baby. She'd come for more cash which he'd handed over, and now all is well. Not strictly true! Very relieved expression from Judy.
He asks "You coming, or you gonna stop here all night?" More smiles as they turn and head for the UP escalator.
So now it's time for me to step onto the Update Escalator to normality.
It's been wonderful. Thank you all.
That's yer lot! - Good night and I really DO love you all.
Nigel
************ GAME OVER ****************
House: Gary allows Judy to carry on believing that Zoe was only after money. This confirms Judy's prejudice that Zoe would not make a fit mother for Katie. Judy apologises for panicking and running off the previous day. They both think that is the last they will see of Zoe.
House: Janice is surprised to find Zoe has slept on her sofa. Leanne arrives downstairs and Zoe bemoans her life so far: a string of mistakes. Leanne reminds Zoe that whatever Gary and Judy may be able to do for Katie, they are not her real parents.
Shop: Fred instructs Ashley to cut up some pies and offer little morsels, and some wine, to the customers. Ashley disapproves of palming off stale pies, but Fred insists. Fred says he isn't prepared to get any help for Ashley at the moment.
Street: Judy bumps into Zoe outside her house, and shouts for Gary. Zoe accuses Judy of spreading lies about her. Judy counters with 'We never agreed that you'd ask for more money!' Zoe of course denies that she came back for more money. Gary asks Zoe to leave, but she is too busy looking at the baby. Judy says she is late and rushes off. Gary urges Zoe to leave them alone.
Shop: Zoe buys some cigarettes and has some wine, although she declines a bit of Scotch egg. Ashley is concerned when she starts crying and he puts a comforting arm around her. She scuttles out, though, as Les enters. His eyes light up at the free food and drink - though he says he would prefer lager!
House: Jon and Deirdre are in the empty kitchen of what will soon be their home. Deirdre's away with the fairies as she gazes around her, and Jon casually asks her to sing a paper. She soon wakes up when he says he is signing the title of the house to her. He reassures her that he will still pay the mortgage, but she will legally own it. She protests that it is too much; giving a house to someone, then she signs a form with 'Transfer of Whole' printed on it. (Oh dear, Deirdre. How long before the repo-man is knocking on your door? eh? And it will be you that's liable, girl, if your name is on the deeds! WAKE UP WOMAN!!!!)
House: Des interrogates Sam about being harassed by Les. Sam snaps at Des and says she doesn't want him to fight her battles. She continues to get ready for work, looking tense.
House: Jon and Deirdre stroll down the drive of the new house. He tells her to go and buy a bed. She asks him to go shopping with her. He protests that he has a meeting, but she persuades him it would be romantic, to buy things for their new home together.
Shop: Ashley is heartily fed up with Les, who is on his second bottle of wine, and has no intention of buying anything. Les pretends to be interested in some chocolates, but then complains when Ashley refuses him tick (credit.) Ashley has had enough and chucks Les out.
Furniture store: Deirdre buys a sofa on the gold card, for one thousand two hundred pounds, then they head to the bed department. They lie on one and pronounce it perfect. Jon is glad he came with her. But look! Who's this coming up the escalator? Linda! Jon goes to get an assistant for the bed, while Deirdre goes in search of a duvet. Linda sees Jon, and, with Deirdre in the background, oblivious, Linda asks what he is doing there. He says he is Christmas shopping, and that the assistant will be back with her present any minute. Linda takes the hint and goes; Jon gives her a peck on the cheek, just before Deirdre turns back towards him with her goose down duvet.
Rovers: Fred is aghast to find Ashley having his lunch, having shut the shop. Ashley defends his right to a break, and boldly adds that he intends to close for the night at 6pm, not 8 o'clock, as he isn't a mug. Fred concedes that he can employ someone part time, a few hours a day, 2 or 3 days a week. Ashley doesn't let his pleasure show. Les loudly demands the attention of the bar staff, and Fred is less than delighted to learn that it was his Bulgarian Merlot which is responsible for Les's state. Des and Sam make up, as he promises not to make her situation into a big deal. Sam smiles happily.
Shop: Leanne distracts Ashley so she can sneak a drink of wine. She says she hasn't got her purse and leaves. In the doorway she meets Nick, who pointedly looks away from her.
House: Judy tries to find out why Gary lied to her about Zoe. He says it was to make her come home. Judy wonders if Zoe really wanted to see Katie. Gary doubts it. Judy tells Gary she went to the church to see about Katie's Christening. Gary doesn't really want 'all that mumbo-jumbo' or all the expense that goes with it! Judy says it is already booked.
Shop: Ashley mentions the vacancy to Maud, and she immediately volunteers. He is tempted, but says he must think about it - he doesn't know what Fred will say.
Rovers: Les forces Sam to sit by him, and tells her he loves her. She firmly rebuts his advances. Des has been watching this exchange, and Sam assures him she has dealt with Les. At the bar, Fred is reading Natalie's palm and spinning her a line about a wealthy man who will enter her life. He doesn't appreciate Ashley's interruption, as he says he may have found someone for the shop. Fred cuts him short, saying he is the manager and should make his own decisions.
House: Leanne moans to Janice that Nick snubbed her. She thinks his year in Canada has gone to his head, whereas in her opinion Canada is boring, and Nick liked it there because he is boring! She swears she wouldn't have him back if he begged her. There is a knock at the door. It is Nick. She lets him in. He apologises for not sticking up for her in front of his mother. Leanne plays tough at first, but then stops him as he prepares to leave. They embrace passionately. Janice watches with a cynical smile.
Rovers: Ashley tells Maud the job is hers. Liz and Deirdre have some red wine and Dreary gloats about having spent three thousand pounds on the credit card that day. She has always been used to saving up for things, but Jon buys on impulse. Les drains his glass and leaves. Des follows him out.
Street: Des warns Les not to pester Sam any more. They start poking each other andwords are exchanged. Les turns to walk away and Des wrestles him down, telling him forcefully to leave Sam alone. Les angrily shouts after Des that nobody threatens him. Credits.
Episode written by Mark Wadlow.
Helen
Welcome to my first update. This week in the world's most thrilling soap:
IN BRIEF
1) More problems at the Malletts. This time between
Gary & Judy.
2) Fred meets Maud in strange circumstances
3) Curly's back after a considerable absence for no particular
reason
4) Des has his house and car windows put through
5) Dreary moves out
6) Les is in the doghouse... AGAIN!
IN FULL
1) More problems at the Malletts. This time between
Gary & Judy.
Last episode, Judy decided that she wanted Katie christened to confirm that
she was really theirs. Gary feels that it would be lying even more.
After a while Judy persuades him to get her christened. Judy then set
about finding a pair of Godparents. Unless I'm mistaken, Jude didn't
ask Gary before going across the road to Des & Sam. (Why them I really
do not know?!?) She asks them if they will be Katie's Godparents. Des
says that he isn't a christian, but Sam is happy to take on the responsibility.
The lucky Godfather is Curly
2) Fred meets Maud in strange circumstances
Ashley tells Fred about his new member of staff. Fred shouts at Ashley
telling him that he spent a lot of time and expertise getting rid of her.
The last thing that he wants is her back. At this point Maud comes trundling
in Fred says "Here she is, the wicked witch of the west" and he
storms out. Maud immediately catches on (Quick isn't she) and tells
Ashley how she will not be 'bullied'. Talking about Fred, we haven't heard
him repeat himself recently I say he hasn't repeated himself recently
3) Curly's back after a considerable absence for no particular
reason
Curly makes a return for the first time in a few weeks. After Des has
had his car smashed, Curly is the first to say that he witnessed Les Battersby
throw the brick...
4) Des has his house and car windows put through
The episode starts with Martin walking down the street, quite merrily when
he sees that a nasty person has 'bricked' Des' car. He tells Des, who
immediately starts telling Sam & Martin that he knew who it was... Les
Battersby. Of course, that was what quite a few people were thinking
after the words that Les had said to Des at the end of the last episode
"Nobody threatens me Des Barnes". In the pub, Des starts dropping
broad hint about "PEOPLE throwing bricks through the windows of people
cars" Les eventually tired of the snide remarks says "What
Are You On About Barnes" then there is a bit of a scene and Curly takes
Des by the arm and leads him out of the Pub.
5) Dreary moves out
Dreary has left the street to move into her new house, before she leaves she
invites people to her housewarming party. During the show we have a
visit from Mike, who asks quite a few questions about who was footing the
bill etc. (Is He The Only One With Any Sense Around That Place).
Other guests to the house include Alma & Liz.
6) Les is in the doghouse... AGAIN!
Good old Les is getting accused of throwing the brick through Des Barnes' car
windows. When he gets home Janice asks him "Les, did you brick Des'
car" He storms out feeling, quite rightly hard-done-by. Unless Les
changed his Jeans and Jacket in the street he didn't do the deed that was to
follow. Somebody, who has not been named (But I think was Samantha's husband
from hell) bricked Des' front window. Could he have done Des' car as well?
OTHER GOINGS ON
Fred complains that it takes longer to divorce a woman than wed her
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO E-MAIL ME PERSONALLY WITH YOUR COMMENTS & CRITICISMS HAMBO
Written by Peter Dewhirst, Nigel Worsford, Helen Johns and Kevin Albertson
