Wednesday 2 April

A THOUSAND GREETINGS, on what has been a rather up-and-down week.

I left the story this time last week, where we were just about to have our first cult meeting in the cellar beneath the pub:

I got down there first and waited for the others to arrive. Within a couple of minutes, there was the sound of footsteps on the brick stairs. It was Trev, who looked really great, robed-up in his dad's darkroom curtains, together with a weedy looking little bloke from the Job Centre who was wearing the thickest pair of glasses I had ever seen. The lenses made his eyes look the size of dinner plates, and he was plainly petrified by the prospect of what might happen.

I said "Trev, mate, you look brilliant, a right warlock! Didn't you think of taking out the brass curtain rings first though?"

Anyway, he'd made a good job of painting some candles black, but it seemed he'd used bitumen tar paint, and it made it a bit smoky and difficult to breathe down there.

Bennie arrived, silent as usual, his long white hair falling over the shoulders of his full length black overcoat. He stood around, waiting for things to start. He looked so cool!

Through the gathering gloom, I noticed some letters painted in red on the floor. DROBBUZELEEBSIL it said. "Woss all this, Trev?" I inquired.

"That's the pentagram, mate" he replied.

"You dozy pillock, that's an anagram! You've got a lot to learn about this warlocking lark!"

Trev went quiet.

Then we heard roars of approval accompanied by claps and cheers from the bar above. It was the arrival of our High Priestess of Darkness, Sharon, with a couple of her mates from the Building Society.

When they appeared on the stairs, I could see what had prompted the roars from the punters above. They all had covered their faces with white make-up, and gone round their eyes with black (probably that "coal" stuff the girls use). They all wore long raven-black flowing wigs, but the best bit was the costumes! Over the briefest black underwear, they wore only miles and miles of cling-film! Wrapped tightly, all over their arms, legs and bodies, right down to their shiny black ultra-high heels!

They looked like The Andrews Sisters on acid!

Far out.

For the first time in living memory, Bennie spoke: "Blood-dy hell!" he enunciated slowly and with the perfect clarity of Scots diction. He had verbalised the feelings of me and Trev with devastating conciseness!

What Trev's mate thought could only be gauged by the fact that his eyes appeared even larger, if such a thing were possible.

With his jaw still hanging on the ground, Trev said, "let's get started then"

One of the girls said to Sharon "ere Shar, will me bike be alright round the back...it 'ain't got no chain on. 'Ow long d'yer fink we'll be?"

At the time it didn't occur to me that this Creature of the Dark Path had cycled to get there! That's one of the things I've realised since!

Bennie again, "nae bother doll, I'll see yers home!"

Partly to distract Bennie from taking an unhealthy interest in one of the handmaidens of darkness, and partly to underline my authority as one of the Supreme Warlocks, I rubbed my hands together briskly and said, "Right then, let's get started"

We all looked expectantly at each other for a few moments in silence. Trev was still transfixed by the girls. I tried to stand on the anagram, in case it spelled something rude and upset Sharon. The girls shivered in their cling-film skin.

The silence was broken by Bennie; as he reached inside his overcoat, he said, "Ah'v got a wee thing here that might just get things started, Nige, if ye ken what I mean"

Everyone focussed on what Bennie would produce from his inside pocket.

It turned out to be a bottle of cough mixture. He pointed out the Latin sounding chemical names of the ingredients, and suggested we might have a crack at chanting them. So we all gathered round the bottle of Broggles Linctus and did our best, in the gloom, to chant the ingredients in a kind of hypnotic monotone.

Suddenly, with lighted cigarette still hanging from the corner of her mouth, Sharon piped up, "ang on Nige, sorry Trev, me bleedin' cling film's comin' unwrapped...you'll aff to 'old on a mo."

Well, the mood was rather lost by this interruption, as you can imagine.

Trev then produced the lyrics to one of the songs on this John Denver CD he'd just got, where he thought he was getting secret messages. Apparently, he'd got the old trout who runs the library to translate it to Latin. "Let's have a crack at chantin' this," he exclaimed, "see if we can't bring up The Dark One."

One of the handmaidens chirped up "look, Sharon, this'll ave to be quick, I've got Line Dancin' at 8:00 down the Church 'all."

We ignored her and chanted away.

Eventually there was a rushing-whooshing-churning sound in the darkest dampest corner of the cellar. A white glowing mist was gathering out of nowhere. There were red flashing lights inside it, and a strange unfamiliar smell met our nostrils. Still we chanted, rhythmically, rhythmically....until, out of the mist the figure of a man stepped forward. We fell silent. We stared. The cigarette finally dropped from Sharon's lurid red lips. Trev's little mate crumpled in a dead faint at the sight.

Then came ....yes....music! The bespectacled man smiled and began to SING!

"Almost heaven....West Virginia....Blue Ridge Mountains...Shenandoah River Life is old there, older than the sea......."

Yes, thanks to Trev's dodgy Latin, we had summoned up THE FAIR ONE instead...it was JOHN BLOODY DENVER!!

Well, that was the end of our cult, there and then. Kaput. We revived Trev's mate with a glass of mineral water from the bar, Bennie took home one of the Cling Film Priestesses, Trev sadly let fall his dad's darkroom curtains, as Sharon lit another cigarette and whined, "whaddya reckon then Nige? all down to the Curry Palace for a chicken vindaloo?

What a belting Priestess of Darkness that girl could have made!!

Here is the update...

We begin tonight with a conversation between the Baldwins, where Mike is saying he should have realised sooner that Don was the arsonist, because Josie must have left her factory keys behind when she left. Alma advises a modicum of caution, and says Mike should be really certain before he slanders anyone.

To the strains of Waterloo Sunset in the background, the next scene is Judy and Gary, talking about the fact that Joyce will never see the grandchild they have been trying so long for. Gary says he meant what he said about missing her the other day. Later his libido (which he has lately been suppressing out of respect for the recently-departed, one supposes) is in evidence, but Judy "plays him to leg" to use a cricketing euphemism which I have newly learned.

Judy has taken to heart his remarks about Joyce never getting to see a miniature Mallett, and she declares that it's time to take medical advice, and have some tests. If only she had known, she could have consulted me! For years I have been running a cut-price fertility clinic from a lock-up garage round the corner from the bus station. For a quarter of the price you'd pay a Harley Street so-called-specialist in London, I can fix punters, (sorry...patients) up with entire nurseries- full of babies. I would tell you more, but, having signed the hypocritical oath, and promised Maggie I would keep gaenecology out of these updates for the entire month of April, my lips are sealed. (Alright, as it's you, I'm listed as Sprog-U-Like in the back pages of Fertility and Cloning Monthly.) Check it out! Reasonable rates. My motto: SUCCESS IS IN THE BAG!

Then with but a single voice, the nations roars its approval as we get our first glimpse of Roy Cropper for...oh I don't know...absolutely yonks!

He is stricken with an incurable virus. Fortunately for his legions of devoted fans, its not Dengue Fever or Ebola, but the common cold! He is optimistically reporting for duty, but Gail sends him straight back to bed and calls on Audrey to come in and help. This she does, and makes the acquaintance of Ron, a long distance lorry driver (who where the noble craft of acting is concerned, should probably stick to lorrying) with whom she flirts. She shamelessly fishes to discover if he's married, which, to all intents and purposes, he is not.

Ron's denim jacket is far too clean to be an authentic lorry driver, but Audrey says she would have him on toast any day of the week. "You can see to me any time you like" quips Ron to Audrey, thereby stealing her heart away. This Ron is evidently a silver tongued devil; an itinerant master of the witty bon mot, and could be the genuine trucking article after all!

Martin comes in to see how Gail is coping. They are much busier in the cafe than of old, it appears. Roy's management style is starting to reap rewards, mayhap. How did Martin know Roy was off sick? Anyway, he sits at a table and joins the terminally morose Andy. Here is a glowing example of how the producers use hair to underline a character's current emotional state. Recently Judy got a new-ish style to suggest she might be starting to get over the death of her mother. Liz's hair has been out of control for some time, in step with her character's antics, and here is Andy, whose lank and unkempt mop bespeaks the mental state of it's gloomy host.

So Martin pulls Andy's leg about the easy life of students. Andy fails to see the hilarity being deployed for his enjoyment, and they end up having a bit of a barney. That lad is most awfully glum! The phrase jack-it-in is used with regard to the university course. Things look black.

Natalie Horrocks calls at the garage to take Kev to the pub for a liquid lunch. Things need to be discussed, she says. Well, we don't see much of any consequence getting hammered out in the Rovers, except for her telling Kevin that her marriage to Tony's womanising dad is over. Wisely, Kev goes schtum and stares into the near-distance. Hearing how busy he is with paperwork and such, she offers to help him. Before too long, she'll be interfering with him, mark me! She'll have her hand inside his overalls before you can say "carburettor"!

Mavis is preparing a salad for tea, as Derek is telling her of the latest challenge in his life. Norris has engaged the services of a young wizz-kid graduate salesman, Simon Calderdale, of whom great things are expected.

Derek is certain the lad will fall flat, and he mocks his rival's use of a personal organiser, as though it were a tool of the devil himself! Derek says this is just the challenge he's been waiting for, and calls for the opening of a bottle of wine!

Poor old lovable harmless Dirk. This time next week, I think the Wednesday Update may be sent with a black border round the text! (If I can just get my bloody paint graphics programme to work!) So far, I can only get it to do a chain of daisies or little coloured butterflies round the outside, so that may have to do! If he gets eaten by a giant butterfly, it will be just right!

Some hopes!

All day, Mike Baldwin has been trying to get hold of Don. He goes to the house in the morning, goes to the pub at lunch time, but still no luck. He knocks on the door a second time later in the day, and this time he's found him. The two come face to face for the first time since the great conflagration. Here is a precis of their dialogue:

Baldwin: You dunnit

Brennan: I dunnit. Prove it!

The reality of this scene calls for strong acting from both participants. Don tells Mike how he's always loathed him, and the dreadful way he treats "ordinary" people. He openly admits starting the fire, having used Josie's discarded keys to let himself in. This admission takes Mike by surprise, and shocks him into near-silence. Don hammers home his perceived advantage by calling him a "flash, loudmouth Cockney wide-boy." Don has no regrets! Baldwin has no proof, and the police think Mike is the guilty one. So the plastic-footed arsonist relishes the prospect of seeing Mike convicted of the offence, knowing who the real guilty party is, and being powerless to prove it. Don slams the front door, and closes the episode with these words, "It will stick in your craw till the day you die!"

That's yer lot.

Good night and I love you all.

Nigel


Friday 4 April

Flat: Mike turns his papers upside down hunting for the suicide note which Alma received from Don. He wishes he had the tape of the answerphone message, because although Sally heard it, that's not evidence. He remembers he took the letter to the factory so it has been lost.

Kabin: Mavis decides to have a bit of a 'do' for her birthday on Monday. Rita is never one to miss out on a party, and also nominates Emily to attend; however, Emily seems reluctant, and makes an excuse why she will be unable to go.

Street: Jim has been out shopping for food for Steve, and Don passes on his best wishes to Steve.

Police Station: Mike is dismayed that they haven't got Don behind bars yet, but the detective was waiting to see the letter. Mike has to admit that the evidence has gone up in smoke.

House: Andy is sullen at Jim's plans for Steve. He is going to Fiona's engagement party, but Jim intends to take Steve to a club in town, and doesn't want him to know about Fiona and Alan, as Steve still cares for Fiona. Andy tells Jim that he is not prepared to lie to his brother.

House: The police arrive to question Don. He reluctantly lets them in.

Cafe: This scene, in which Audrey shamelessly flirts with Big Ron, is too disgusting to write about. All I will say is that she confides that Italian food makes her feel amorous Roy appears fleetingly on his way to the doctors' and pointedly reminds Gail that her mother is paid to help, not chat up men. Audrey gives Big Ron a playful flick with her tea towel. Yeuckk!!

House: Don, under cross-examination, admits to staying in on the night in question, but Ashley was out so can't back up his story. He acknowledges that he had a grudge against Mike, and sent a letter and left a message on the answering machine.

House: Steve has had a bath, a beer and is about to have a steak. He is not thrilled to hear that his Dad wants to take him out on the town, but decides it may be the best option after hearing Andy is going to a party, as he assumes it will be all studenty-types. He asks Andy how Fi is, and what her policeman friend is like, but Andy is non-committal.

House: The police establish from Don that he caused Mike to lose the Kbec contract, but had lost £20,000 on the garage deal. Don's theory is that Mike torched his own factory for the insurance money, and is also trying to get Don into trouble as an added bonus. The policeman wants to know exactly what he watched on TV that night. Don blusters.

Flat: Fi and Max are preparing for the party. Her brother phones with some excuse that he is unable to attend (Fiona thinks the real reason is that she is marrying a white policeman), then Alan phones to say he will be late.

House: Derek and Mavis have one of those conversations where he talks about one subject, and she has an unconnected exchange on another topic entirely. He moans about being sent to Birmingham at the crack of dawn, a task which he sees fit only for a junior sales man. Meanwhile, Mavis asks him to organise her party, so that it will be 'a surprise'......

Street: Steve, Jim and Andy are just on their way out when they met Judy and Gary. The Motormouth Malletts reveal that they are on their way to Fiona's engagement party. Against his father's advice, Steve decides to accompany Andy to this event.

Rovers: Mavis thinks that Emily won't come to her party because of the Historical Society business. Derek is too busy worrying about Birmingham, and decides to go there and then. Alma and Mike speculate as to why Don hasn't been arrested yet, as he is in the pub, drinking and in a good mood. Don annoys Mike by saying he couldn't help the police so they had to leave.

Party: Maxine is not slow to point out Steve's arrival to her friend Fiona. Alan hasn't arrived there yet. Angie is on the prowl, and targets Kevin and Chris. She sends Kev for drinks (but I'm sure she called Kev 'Ken') and proceeds to Chris. Now I like Angie, but you can't respect a woman who's opening gambit is 'I haven't had a decent snog for ages - have you?' although it worked on Chris. Steve congratulates Fiona on her engagement, and she mentions the fact that Andy has been drinking heavily recently. Alan arrives.

Police station: Mike demands to know what has been happening, but the detective says they can't make a case against Don without proof. In fact, it is Mike who is back under suspicion, since the factory fire has been too convenient for him.

Party: Chris and Angie are now into some serious snogging; as are Gary and Judy, who decide to go home to make a baby. Andy drunkenly says he is going to fail his exams and it is all Alan's fault, he spills wine on Fiona and pushes Alan and tries to punch him. Alan armlocks Andy and frog-marches him to the door. Fiona screams to Alan to leave him alone, and Steve takes Andy home, Fiona following them down the stairs. Alan asks Maxine who the bloke was who took hold of Andy - so she tells him it was Steve. Outside, Steve calls Fiona's fiancé a Neanderthal, and says the best of luck to her if >that's who she's spending the rest of her life with.

Glamour awards. The party offered the ideal opportunity for some imaginative wardrobe items. Sadly, all we got were acid coloured shirts, on the men, and Fiona wearing a dress made from an old table cloth. Angie and Judy were in clingy things that I suppose some may find attractive, but Maxine's top was horrid. There were, however, prominent displays of Judy's tattoo, so extra points in the drinking game tonight.

Helen


Sunday 6 April

"Hi, my namesh Andeh!" - Andy "comes on strong" to a girl in a pub which is NOT the Rover's Return!

Grim portent clouds the usually smoggy air of Wetherfield as Derek has only a matter of hours left before the giant florescent paper-clip proves to be his downfall...

Derek/Mavis/Rita/Alec/Angie/Chris

The episode begins with yet another gratutitous nude shot of Chris who is lying on Des's sofa (except it's Angie's now). Angie tiptoes downstairs and becomes strangely turned on by 1) the tatto on his ankle and 2) the scar on his ankle. She is about to touch (2) when Chris wakes up and says "you 'ad yer chance last night". Suddenly, Angie whips away his sleeping bag, but fortunately he is wearing a pair of black boxer shorts.

It later transpires that Chris has moved in with Angie, much to the chagrin (I like that word) of Mavis, who is about to invite "professional" Angie to her (doomed) birthday party, only to realise that she is being forced to extend the invite to her "new neighbour". And can please, someone tell me what is so scary/offensive about a man who doesn't shave very much? He might wear clothes more befitting my nephew's Action Man, but at least his teeth aren't as bad as his predecessor's.

Still, at least Mavis has some "nice" guests to be at her party - Rita and Alec have reluctantly agreed to participate - or be extras, who knows?

Later we are treated to a shot of the Wilts in the conservatory - Derek is in a jubliant mood becase everything is going well at work, but this is the Wilts so we know that in three seconds they're both going to be tearing their hair out. Three...Derek spots Chris hanging up his black boxer shorts on the washing line next door. Mavis explains the situation. Two... Mavis tells Derek that she had to invite Chris to the party. One... Mavis announces that they've had a letter from the Allotment Society and if they do not get their allotment up to scratch then they will have it taken from them. Derek grips the last few strands of his shredded wheat hair and yanks them out.

Trash/Duckworths/Jameh/New Man

Trash's new man is here to take her out on a date - probably back in his time machine to the 1950s, which is where he looks like he just came from. He and Jack discuss the Grand National, as if it actually had happened, not mentioning the fact that it was suspiciously cancelled.

New Man has brought Jameh a half-price Easter egg, allowing the child to engage in some adult banter with him. Trash arrives, wearing the usual black leather jacket etc. As they leave, Vera pulls a face of disgust.

The McDonalds

After the "twins" managed to ruin Fiona's engagement party on Friday it seems that there's little more they can do. Wrong. The "let's play nice" dinner-party at the McDonald house is a tense affair, even by their standards. It's so ironic - but now Jim is the "voice of reason", and even Steve appears to have found "sense" - now Andy has turned into a prissier, mouthier version of all of the other members of his family - doesn't he make a credible drunk? The party starts by Andy telling Liz to "shut up" and continues like that until he can bear no more pleasantries and rushes out of the house. "Follow 'im," snaps Liz to Steve.

The next time we see them, the boys are sitting in an unfamilar pub, and maybe my new contact lenses aren't working properly, because a man at the end of the bar seems to be cruising the pair of them. But it all gets complicated and while Steve's getting "in the drinks", Andy approaches a female extra and starts pawing at her. The next thing you know, a full-scale western saloon fight has broken out. Andy is slurring in vain, and somehow Steve ends up getting hit in the face.

At the hospital, Andy is even more lippy, and starts screaming for nurses to help him. Martin arrives and goes "tsk tsk" - Andy is nearly ejected, and Steve collapses dramatically on the floor. It later transpires that he has fractured his jaw or something. It also means that he is late getting back to prison and will probably NEVER get paroled now.

Don/Mike/Ashley

Mike's attempts to trick Don into confessing all on tape do not work, so Mike tries to befriend Ashley by offering him cigars and beer. When Ashley realises that all Mike wants is for him to spill the beans about Don, Ashley runs off home to Don to tell him all about it. But Don has had too much to drink (surprise!) and is in a boastful mood. "It were me!" he sqwawks triumphantly. "I did it!" Ashley looks sickened. Credits.

Awards

Marks Out of Ten: A good episode - 8. A pointless fight, some bare flesh, and it looks like Don's finally slipped up. It was only a matter of time before Andeh's genes turned him into a fully-fledged McDonald. It's only his hair I'm worried about. I doubt that even shampoo for damaged hair would sort that lot out.

Steve McDonald Drama Award: Let's be fair - we've all missed Steve, and it was nice to see him back to his old gurning self. Those eyes were as bulging as ever, and it was reassuring to see that his prison diet has helped him maintain that sickly frame. He is now my favourite McDonald, although that's not saying much.

Paul Baker


Monday 7 April

 

"I've just about had enough of this family." Jim McDonald voices the thoughts of a nation.

"Breakfast in the Conservatory!" Mavis is happy for possibly the last time in her entire life.

 

Ken/Don/Ashley/Platts/Audrey

For the moment, Don's thrilling denoument will have to be put on a back burner while Derek does his swan song (more later). After Don's confession to Ashley of the night before, Don claims that he was so drunk that he couldn't remember a thing (I didn't realise that people actually used that old excuse any more). When Ashley confronts him about burning down Mike's factory Don said that he was rambling and nobody talks sense when they're drunk. True Don, but you don't talk much sense when you're sober either.

But a "seed of doubt" has been planted in Ashley's little peroxided head and so he questions the Platts about "how well do they know Don", "why does Don hate Mike" etc. Martin and Gail dither well-meaningly, but can't really work out if they want to be in this story-line or not yet. Meanwhile, Audrey tells Gail that of course Mike did it and if Don had tried to burn down the factory, he probably would have bungled and set fire to his leg (!) or something.

Don and Mike spend the rest of the episode sneering and hissing at one another, and Audrey escapes to the cafe to fondle her new man, Ron - in front of her own daughter too! The pair of them (Ron and Audreh) seemed so sexually aroused that I was amazed they didn't do the deed right there and then, among the sachets of sugar!

Andy/Jim

Jim nags Andy about last night's "performance", causing Andy to rush off in a sulk. We later discover that he has "jacked in" his course and has no intentions of taking his exams. When Jim finds out from Jack, he is furious, although Bill Webster advises him to take the caring, fatherly approach.

Trash/New Man/Jameh/Duckworths

The New Man took Trash to Southport last night (now there's a place that knows how to have a good time), and wants to see her again the following night, although Trash does not want to push the Duckworths into babysitting little Brad two nights in a row. So Jack suggests they have a night in, in front of the "telly". This leads to a discussion between Jack and Vera in which Trash is compared to Princess Ann (I know).

New Man comes out of his 50s time-warp and Trash and Jameh spend the evening in the back room, eating crisps and watching something on the video. Jameh is now besotted with the New Man and cannot stop ruffling his hair and sitting on his knee and telling him that he "hates him". I know, it's a confusing age. At least he seems to be a good influence on both Trash and Jameh. It is the first time I have seen Trash happy....ever.

Wilts/etc

Derek surprises Mavis with breakfast in the conservatory, and then drops a key into a plant-pot (don't ask me why - people kept talking over the top of it). Like Trash, Mavis is also happy, although her brow furrows with concern when she sees Derek put his spoon into his soft-boiled egg. To warn us of the doom to come, we are shown an enormous close-up of egg yolk. Derek drives off in his car and keeps waving back at Mavis - who stands watching them - and we all know that it is the last time she will see him alive. I don't know if I can bear to watch the rest...

The day continues, and nobody really wants to go to Mavis's birthday party, but a few dizzy looking extras show up, with Rita, Percy and Alec. Derek, however, is late and telephones on his mobile to say he was stuck in traffic. Mavis is furious and screams "you've spoilt everything", but Derek doesn't hear and hangs up. He drives off, but ends up next to a large land-rover type thing in the next lane which he overtakes a bit carelessly. The man in the landrover (personalised numberplates, "country-esqe" cap, can't act) starts flashing and beeping, and I'm thinking that if CS is trying to be topical and include a storyline about road-rage, then wouldn't it be better to go the whole way and have Derek beaten to death by the Spice Girls instead?

Eventually Derek pulls over and the man rushes out and starts screaming "you nearly put my wife through the windscreen!" Where is his wife at this point? She does not seem to be moving. Maybe she is one of those blow-up dummies that people put in their cars to stop people from getting road rage? But this ironic interlude does not stop Derek from screaming his own insults at his tormenter, who responds by giving the giant paperclip on Derek's car a little push, before getting back into his land-rover and driving off. Horrifyingly, and also comically (in a sick sort of way), Derek's eyes bulge and he pulls a variety of twisted expressions. It's almost like he's reliving every joke that Des has pulled on him all at once. At this point the mobile phone starts ringing - Derek slumps to the ground while the Gilbert and Sullivan Royal Choir shriek "Tit Willow Tit Willow Tit Willow!" on his tape-deck. This is allowed to continue all the way through the Credits.

Awards

Points out of 10: 10.

Glamour Tiara. The old Glamour Tiara has gotten a little rusty lately, with none of the regular contenders bothering to do very much to impress. But Rita pulled out all the stops tonight with a party emsemble which looked as if it would suit better to the bedroom. It was so sheer that you could even see her shoulder pads through it!!!

Paul Baker


Wednesday 9 April

Hello everybody in space! My name is Dominic Worsfold. I am off school for Easter and tonight I can stay up late so that I can do dad's Wednesday update for him. I am 12. I like horse riding acting and writing songs. I once wrote a song called Most Relationships Start with Fighting! I sang it to the class and everybody claped.

I have read the things dad writes and I won't try to be like him! Sometimes he says do you want to be like me when you grow up? I say NOOO!!!

Anyway he has gone to bed until Tuesday because he got a bad tax form in the post today or something. He shouted out off the window at me today because I was using my roller boots on our new driveway,

Coronation street was on late because of the football

Here goes!!...........................................it's 9 th of April

It starts at Mavis's birthday party, shes been trying to phone Derek on his mobile phone but he can't answer. Then the door knocks and at the door its the blokey that works with Derek and a policeman. They say it's very bad news and so they go indoors. Then they tell Mavis what's happened is that he's had a heart atack and it was fatal. Angie and her boyfreind come to the party but it's all off by then. Mavis says it's a mistake, but they say it's not. She asks if it's alright to see him, so they go to the hospital, and it is him, which we knew all along!! Then later Rita is looking after her, and she's talking about all the jobs he's done, and all the funny things he's had to sell. The last thing she said to him was telling him he was inconsiderate and unsensitive, but she should have told him she loved him! She looked much older than usual. Emily comes round to see her, but she was quite rotten to her I thought.

Mike Baldwin and Alma talk about all the trouble he's in, and he thinks the police are going to say he was the one who did the big fire at the clothes factory, and not Don. He says the police are going to bang him away! He thinks they might start a new life in Cyprus and leave England. Later on Alma comes in again and tells him about Derek dying, which he's very surprised about, and starts to think if HE will have a heart attack because of all the trouble at the moment. Then the phone rings and the police want him to come to the nick tomorow. He puts the phone down and says that it's all over, and its too late to run away!! He's worried about prison. In the pub, everyone is talking about Derek dying like that. There's a very funny bit then with Fred and Jack and Alec where theyr'e all talking about having health check ups, but they're all smoking like chimneys!!

Andy and Jim have a talk about him giving up university. Jim thinks he might end up a dropout. He's drunk, but got chips as well! My brother Simon goes to university, and I'll tell you.... he better not be a dropout!! Mum always asks him what he's going to do, but he doesn't tell her he knows yet.

Jack and Vera are talking about Trisha's boyfreind, which is Ray, and whether he's got an interior motive? Trisha gets cross. Vera is only worried about her taking Brad away somewhere, that's all.

The lorry driver blokey is trying to peel an orange in the cafe and Audrey tries to help him. She's daft over him. Alma comes into the place and she's bored at home, so she helps out for a while and tells Gail all about Mikes trouble, which I thought she already knew!

At the end of the programme, Rita goes away and Mavis is on her own. Norris comes to the door and she's cross with him, but he gives her the little birthday present that was in Derek's car when it happened. Its got a blue bow on it and small. When he 's gone, she opens it and its a heart that you can open on a silver chain. There's a picture of her and Derek in there, and one of him on his own. Hes had a little message put on the back too, about love. It's quite sad actually, and she cries a lot, but there's no tears, but you can see she's very VERY upset!!

Perhaps dad will let me do his update again one day if he gets another bad tax form to do! Thank you for reading DOMINIC WORSFOLD'S update.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!


Friday 11 April

Flat: Mike prepares to go to the police station with his 'brief' although he seems apprehensive and wonders what they want, if not to charge him.

House: Judy goes to see Mavis to offer her condolences, but it brings back her own bereavement, and Mavis ends up comforting her. Judy apologises, but Mavis says it is good to grieve - her own tears conspicuous by their absence.

Butcher's Shop: Fred in his shop, bantering with customers. Maxine comes in asking to see Ashley ('Meat on the hoof, you're after' - Fred) she apologises for her behaviour and asks Ashley to go out with her again. He is cold to her and says he will think it over. After she leaves Fred reprimands Ashley for passing up the opportunity, as life's too short....

House: Mavis and Judy have had a cup of tea and a chat and Judy is just leaving as Norris arrives. Mavis reluctantly lets him in as he has cleared Derek's desk out and brought her some clean socks, an executive toy and a photograph. Norris gives a little speech but Mavis is unimpressed by his hypocrisy. She even goes as far as to blame Norris, and Hawthorn's for Derek dying.

Police Station: After a long wait, Mike and his young female solicitor finally get to see the detective. It is only to go through the statement again. The solicitor is sarcastic and patronising to the policeman, pointing out that Mike is the victim in the whole affair. She formally asks if there is any intention to charge Mike with any crime. He reluctantly admits there will be no charge. They leave, looking smug, and Mike invites the solicitor, Frankie, to lunch in a little pub he knows nearby.

Rovers: Liz goes with Jim to try to talk to Andy about his decision to quit university. Mike arrives, very loud and brash, and puts £50 behind the bar to buy drinks for everyone. He announces that he is celebrating finally not being accused of burning down the factory. Jack, in an aside, says to Frankie 'You must be good!') but Mike is a little disappointed that Don isn't there.

House: Andy is in no mood to receive lectures from his mum. Liz rants to both Andy and Jim that any mistakes she has made in her life were down to her, and that neither of them have the right to blame anyone except themselves for messing up their lives. Andy continues to swig his beer.

Cafe: Gail and Audrey pack up after what Audrey considers a boring day (Big Ron didn't come in) but Gail says Roy will be back at work soon, so she won't need Audrey. Then Ron arrives, Gail wants to shut but Audrey lets him in. Gail leaves Audrey and Ron flirting.

Rovers: Ray is there playing with the baby, Vera sends Tricia into the bar, and takes the opportunity to warn Ray not to get too attached to Tricia and Brad as Terry will return for them soon.

Cafe: Ron is getting physical with Audrey; at first they are giggling, but then he pins her against the door and she pushes him away, saying she didn't encourage him. Then her knight in shining armour appears in the form of Roy, unshaven, in his pyjamas, crying 'unhand my mother you brute - anyway it is time for her medication, without which she gets a bit queer'. It does the trick, and Audrey thanks Roy, who feels feint and has to sit down.

Rovers: Emily and Rita discuss Mavis and how she is coping. Ashley and Maxine meet and agree to start again. Alma and Mike arrive, she is not comfortable being there, but he crows about the fact that his insurance company are going to pay out now that the police investigation has finished.

Cafe: Gail arrives, having forgotten something, to find Audrey attending to Roy. He explains how he came down in response to noises in the cafe, and found Audrey in difficulties with 'a rough customer', she explains that men find her attractive, even if she gives no encouragement. Roy agrees, to Gail's amusement, that Audrey would never encourage such a low type, who would try it on with any woman, no matter what her age and looks.

Rovers: Don comes in much to Mike's pleasure, and Mike offers him a drink, explaining how pleased he is that the police no longer suspect him. Jack warns Mike off, but he continues to thank Don for doing him the favour of getting the VAT, trading standards and bank off his back. Now he will get the insurance as well he's untouchable and free to start again. He thanks Don for burning down the factory, as a silent clientele look on. Don is fuming and can hardly contain his anger. Mike then throws a few pound coins at Don, for petrol money, and walks out. Don simmers with anger.

Helen


Sunday 13 April

And here is the news for Sunday, April 13th

In tonight's main headlines:

Trish prepares to spend the night with Ray
Don sinks deeper into depression

And our first story, Preparations are well underway for Derek's funeral

Friends and family of Mavis and Derek have been in and out of Mavis' house today offering support and helping to organise the funeral and wake. Mavis is reported to be bearing up well, but various sources indicate their opinion that the reality has not really sunk in yet.

We are joined now, live from our Weatherfield studio by your roving reporter Tom who is speaking with Alec Gilroy, are you there Tom and Alec?

"I 'ope I'm goin' to be paid for this"

Now Alec, how did Mavis seem to be coping today?

"Oh she is all right. A lot of fuss about nothing if you ask me. Just another excuse for people to fuss around and stick their noses in where they are not wanted."

Really Alec, that is a bit harsh, don't you think?

"Listen, I'm out of pocket on this. I paid Maureen for the food for the wake, but Rita won't let me ask Mavis to pay me back. £38 it cost me! I tried to get Jack to give me the money out of his collection, but Vera wasn't having it".

Yes, about the collection for Derek, they raised £98 I believe.

"That's right and if it isn't going to be used to pay for the funeral and wake, well, what good is it?"

Speaking of the funeral, I understand that Mavis had a visit from Norris today.

"Oh that was nothing, he just wanted to come over to reassure her that Angela wasn't going to the funeral. He is still coming though. Upset her no end that did. Why he couldn't have passed the message on through Rita and saved Mavis the sight of his unpleasant features I don't know."

Why Alec, you do care after all. Now back to you Jerry.

Trish prepares to spend the night with Ray

Sources close to the Duckworth's report today that Trish has left Jack and Vera to look after Jamie, while she and Brad spend the night at Ray's large detached house. Ray is said to have impressed Trish by the size of his kitchen utensils and the bedroom window that faces east so "we can watch the sun come up together".

Vera is said to be livid at her immoral behaviour, Jack reportedly takes a more sanguine view.

And in tonight's closing headline, Don sinks deeper into depression

Young Ashley was driven from his home this morning by the sight of Don smashing all the crockery. Don, publicly accused last week of starting the fire at Baldwin's factory, was urged to fight back by Jack. However, in a dark mood, Don responded to this sympathetic advice with the words "I'm not going to top meself, I'm already dead"


Monday 14 April

Here is the news for Monday 14th April

And tonight's main headlines:

Trish considers moving in with Ray
Andy gets advice from Steve
Derek buried
Mike considers new business venture
Don intimidates Alma
Claire finds out more truth about Des

Trish considers moving in with Ray
In a buoyant mood after having spent one night with Ray, Trish was today trying to pluck up courage to tell Jack and Vera that she is hoping to move out of the Rover's and in with her new man. Ray is reportedly so smitten with Trish that he even expressed his regret that Jamie had chosen to remain at the Rover's last night rather than visit his home.

Andy gets advice from Steve
Andy tried to assuage his guilt about Steve's extra fortnight in prison today by paying him a brief visit. However, Steve was in an unforgiving mood and responded "I can see how hard it has been for you mate. You've had to drop out of Uni, get drunk, fall over. Me, I've only lost me job, me wife and me freedom. I'm sure you're sorry, ... for yourself".

Derek buried
The funeral of one of Coronation Streets best loved residents took place today at the parish church of Ss Peter and Paul. Controversy shook the event at one point when Norris beat the official speaker, Ken, to the lectern for the eulogy. Alluding to his meeting with "Dirk", Norris slighted Mavis alleging that she had driven off and forgotten him on the M56, and also that she had forgotten Derek's 60th birthday.

Norris was later heard confiding in Audrey that Derek's death was a mercy really because the firm had been about to fire him to "failing to cut the mustard".

Your roving reporter Tom has Audrey in the radio car now. Are you there Tom?

Yes thank you very much Jerry. Now Audrey tell us what happened at Derek's wake.

"Well, first of all Tommuh, I'd like to point out that I never said a word against Derek. In fact, as I was saying to Betty, it is to his credit that he died when Mavis is still healthy and able to get another felluh. Also, of course, he gave me the excuse to buy a new dress."

Thank you Audrey, but could you tell us more about the alleged row between Mavis and Derek's sister, Edith.

"Oh that one, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth Tommuh. She seemed to think she were too good for us and spent the whole day in a snit that there had only been one hearse in the procession. Actualluh, I think she regretted that Derek had ever left Angela for Mavis. Then, as she were leaving, she told Mavis that most of the people at the wake weren't Derek's friends and that we were holding them up as figures of fun".

Was that true?

"Well yes, actualluh, but you don't say that to a widow, do you. No, make fun of her behind her back, it's much kinder".

How did Mavis react?

"Oh, she coped all right. She just said that, even if we didn't mean the nice things we had said, they were still true and that her and Derek had been happy together".

Thank you Audrey. Now back to you Jerry.

Mike considers new business venture
Sources close to Baldwin have reported that a new business venture might be on the cards for the street's entrepreneur. Mike was overheard during Derek's funeral discussing the possibilities of renting the print shop to himself as the home for his new venture. Mike had to leave the funeral in the middle to attend a business meeting just arranged on his mobile phone.

Don intimidates Alma
Dirty Don seized the opportunity of finding Alma alone in Mavis' conservatory during the wake to sound her out about the possibility of forming an alliance against Mike. "Together we can compare notes and find his weak spot", he is reported to have slurred. In response to Alma's refusal to be drawn Don apparently dropped the subject with the words, "Just remember, you've had your chance".

One final item of news to close: Claire finds out truth about Des
Angie took the opportunity of meeting Claire at Derek's wake to tell her more of Des Barnes' womanising ways. "You lived with him for six weeks? That is a long time for Des" she is reported to have opined. Claire expressed no regrets that the time was so short.

and now, it's goodnight from me........ another Kevin


Wednesday 16 April

A THOUSAND CORRIE-TYPE GREETINGS from Dickie Earl! I'm a really big Coronation Street fan from down under in dear old Oz, and I'm staying here in England with Nigel and Maggie for a couple a days on me way to Granada Studios, with me sheila, Shirl. We live in a little sheep town called Kilamboora in Western Oz, but Shirl's folks live in Basingstoke, so we'll probably have to see them too, but for me, the trip to the Granada studios is the big thing! I tell you mate, if I can get me picture took with ol' Jack Duckworth, won't that make the boys back home as sick as flamin' wombats!

I tell yer, back home we don't wait for the episodes to come on the TV. No flamin' way mate! Shirl's sister-in-law works long haul on British Airways, and brings us the old viddies, hot from pommieland, and we have a big Corrie night in Mick's pub about once a fortnight, where all the sheep shearin' boys from the stations within a couple a hundred miles or so come and sink the odd jar or twelve and watch the show!

There's usually a few spare sheilas there, if you know what I mean mate, and we have a ripper time, no flamin' worries! All the sheilas are beaut sports, and they lay on the tucker for all the boys. I've got me eye on a cracking big tattooed sheila called Noelene. She's bonza at the old arm-wrestlin', and flamin nuts about Coronation Street. She's a dynamite girl mate, but not a word to Shirl if you know what I mean?

We get some right mad bloody drongos in there, mate. What a flamin laugh! One night, just before me an' Shirl came away, the boys were havin' a competition to see how many sheep you can get on a pool table? After all the rest of the boys had tried, scorin' around the 18 or 19 mark, up steps Big Jason. Jeez, mate...the size of that bludger! He's a shearer, about 6'15" and built like a brick dunny, mate. People say the only time he comes indoors is at Mick's bar! The bloke lives rough in the bush, just appears out of nowhere in the mornings, shears maybe 200 sheep non-stop, and disappears back into the bush mate!

Anyway, he picks up four sheep like they was nothing, jams each one of their feet into the flamin' pockets, throws half a dozen in on top, and scores 25! No worries...what a flamin' laugh, mate! So he won a night's free gargle and a Coronation Street tea towel. I tell yer, mate, the bludger was overcome! There was sheep and beer all over the place. What a flamin' laugh!

Anyway, Nigel's put me in charge of the update tonight, so that's quite a bloody honour, seriously speaking if you know what I mean, so here she goes for Wednesday 16th April.

Seein' as how Dirk's shot through, Mave is tuckin' the old gnomes away in a box, on account of she can't bear to see 'em no more. The young sheila from next door, Angie has a bit of a chat with her over the fence. I still can't get used to the size of your gardens here! Back home, you'd be gettin' the old claustophobia if you had less then half a dozen acres out the back, I tell yer! Mave says she never really liked the little bludgers. That makes two of us Mave!

The next minute, we see young Brad suckin' for all he's worth from the feeding bottle. Geez, the kid looked starvin' to me an' Shirl. She said "Blimey Dick, look at the poor little mite...he's so hungry he could eat the crutch out of a low-flyin' emu!" My Shirl has a wonderful turn of phrase, if you know what I mean. What a flamin' sheila! Ripper! So Tricia's there, tryin' to sell young Jamie the idea of shackin' up with Ray the decorator. Jamie's dead against, but it's not up to him. He wants to stay put in the pub. Bloody sensible kid!

In the corner shop, Mave is back on duty, and ol' Rita is looking dead concerned about her. She offers her to push off home, but Mave's not havin' any of it. She reckons she might as well tough it out. She says what she wants really is to see old Dirk come through that door. "Forget it Mave, the bloke's a gonner" Shirl shouted. At least she's got some make-up back on, so the old girl's a decent sport after all! Shirl reckons Mave's well shot of him; she says Dirk was abaout as useless as a chocolate teacup...as useless as an ashtray on a flamin' motorbike! Not the most sensitive sheila in Oz, my Shirl, but what a girl, mate!

Then that flashy lookin' sheila who's Tony's mum, can't think of the name right now....anyhow, she waltzes up to Kev, who's lyin' under a car, and starts ticklin' his leg, dead familiar like. He comes out from under to find her battin' her mascara at him and inviting him for a gargle. She says she wants to talk garage business, but WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF FLAMIN' BUSINESS, don't we? More like flamin' monkey business mate! So down the pub, Kev's keen to get back to work but she wants another round. She offers to pop round to his place later to go over the books together. She knows Kev's sheila's away and asks if things are on the rocks for them two. Anyway, Kev gives her the ol' knockback, (jeez, mate, I've had that a few times in me life down the pub, if you know what I mean, but not a word to Shirl, mate!) Shirl reckons when that Natalie gets her mitts on young Kev, he'll have a grin on him like a carpet snake in a chook pen!

Back in the Kabin, Mavis and old Emily are havin' a yarn about what to do with old Dirk's clobber. Emily reckons the local charity shop would be apples, so she'll give Mave a hand clearin' the wardrobe out. Mave has this thing about not wanting to see another bludger walkin' about in Dirk's old strides, so Emily says she'll take 'em to a place the other side of the Pennines, whatever they are!

Kev's young mate from the garage, Chris, comes home and tells Angie that he'll do the tucker tonight. Back home, we'd throw a couple of platypus on the barbie mate, but you folks seem to wanna cook indoors the whole time! I s'pose it's on account of how flamin' cold it is! I'll never get used to it, I tell yer mate.

So he rustles up a fair dinkum bit of nosebag, and asks her to guess what it was. She reckons lamb, but he kids her on that it's somethin' more exotic. "Bloody kangaroo!!" shouts Shirl. Ha! What a flamin wit that girl's got, mate...never met a girl like her, I tell yer!

Turns out it was lamb, but then after the food, she starts on at him about how she reckons he's a bit on the young side to have been in a war zone and got shot in Africa. War zone? I'll give yer flamin' war zone! You 'ain't seen war zone until you've seen that Corrie night at the pub back home in Kilamboora when the flamin' viddie went on the blink, mate! 70-odd shearers from all around, some of 'em driven seven hours to get there, full of beer and wantin' to know what the flamin' hell had happened to their trollybus edition, or whatever you call it. It all turned very nasty, mate. One of 'em picked up a sheep and threw the bludger across the bar, breaking the optics and all. There was tables and chairs flyin' in all directions!

Mick keeps a tame kookaburra in a cage by the sheilas' dunny. One huge bloke reached in the cage and bit the bludger's head clean off mate! If Shirl hadn't got on a table and stripped to take their minds of not seein' The Street, mate, it could have been flamin' bloodshed. What a beaut sport that girl is! One in a bloody million!

Mike Baldwin takes his brief out for dinner at a swanky place. They're both on the ol' red wine. Not a lot of call for red wine in Mick's bar, mate. If a sheila can't drink beer like the rest of the blokes, she'll end up ostrich-sized and none of the other women'll talk to her! Shirl doesn't care for Mike Baldwin one little bit. She always says he's as flash as a rat with a gold tooth! Looks to me like it's all a bit of a scam to get her to work for cheap, anyhow.

Earlier, he'd been across to Don's place to tell to keep away from Alma, and how Don's done 'im a beaut favour by burnin' the factory down. Don hits the gargle pretty hard. Been there, mate.

Tricia eventually stops pussy-footin' about and tells Jack she's movin' out to live with Ray. Jamie tells Jack as how he wants to stay, and they have a cuddle in the yard, where Jack tells the kid as how life's not fair. Too right, mate! It won't be bloody fair if I don't get me picture taken with him on the Studio tour Friday! Anyhow, Jack tells young Jamie that Ray's a fair dinkum bloke, but the kid's still wants to stay behind.

Alma and Gail have been havin' a bit of a night in the pub, and then comes the time to go home. Alma calls a taxi, and it's ol' hopalong Don who takes the call. The old snake grabs a set of car keys and sets off himself to pick her up! By the way mate, thinkin' about Don reminds me, I've got to tell yer this; back home there's a bloke comes in the pub, a shearer, massive bloke, likes to show the sheilas his legs after the surgery he had, There was a big accident one day and he fell into some kinda farm machine. They called the flyin' doctor and rushed the bloke 750 miles to the nearest hospital with his legs wrapped in an empty feed-bag. So now after 7 hours of the ol' micro surgery, mate, the bludgers got two artificial legs, but REAL FEET! What a flamin' laugh mate!

Anyhow, Alma doesn't know it's Don at the wheel when she climbs in the cab. Weatherfield Quays, she says. "Hope your wearin' yer bloody lifejacket, love" yells my Shirl! What a flamin sheila, mate.

What a flamin' laugh!

As me old mate Nigel says, that's yer lot - Good night from Dickie Earl and his sheila, Shirl!


Friday 18 April

A bumper hour-long special, which although concentrating on the Brennan/Baldwin storyline, contained some fine acting and significant plot developments for Andy and Jim, Angie and Chris and the Duckeggs.

Taxi: We open with Alma in the speeding cab making its way round deserted streets. She starts to make conversation, then realises who is driving.

Rovers: A busy night at the pub. Jim purchases two bottles of whiskey to take home to drink with Andy. Alec and Rita enjoy a quiet drink together. In the back, Tricia tries to explain to Vera and Jack why she's moving in with Ray. Vera wonders who fancies a woman not 2 minutes out of the maternity ward (I think they left one inside her, and she'd better get back there pdq) Jack thinks Ray is OK, but Vera is convinced she will lose Brad for ever.

Taxi: Alma tries to reason with Don, and asks to be let out. She points out he has no driving licence, but he assures her he remembers how to drive.

House: Audrey and Gail are round comforting Mavis, but making heavy weather of it. Mavis touchingly relates how she made Derek a cup of cocoa before realizing he wasn't there.

House: Jim opens the whiskey and tells Andy they are going to drink together - a man's drink. Andy is unwilling to go along with it, but Jim has that mad-dog look in his eye and his Irish accent and vocabulary are prominent.

Taxi: Don is still driving, and Alma wearily asks why he went the long way, and could he please take her home. He says everyone should get off his back. He taunts her that she will give a big tip, but he has to grab every little penny now he has nothing left. Alma tries to be reasonable. He drives past their road, and Alma demands he turn round. Don angrily tells her to shut up, he will go where he wants. He activates the central locking.

Restaurant: Meanwhile, Mike and Frankie enjoy their meal, and talk about Alma. He explains how attractive, independent and fun-loving she is. He is certain she is having a good time right now. (Taxi:) Actually she's beating on the window to get out as Don skids to a halt. He says that like him, they are in the middle of nowhere. Alma gets angry and threatens what Mike will do when he finds out. Don is sick of hearing about Mike, though, and says she isn't going home to Mike and he can't help her now.

Rovers: Audrey needs a drink to get over Mavis' weak tea. She foists herself and Gail on Rita and Alec.

House: Angie attempt to elicit more information from Chris about Africa, but he evades the question. He flirts, and she half-promises him 'something uncivilised' if he does the drying up.

Rovers: Vera pleads with Jack to prevent Tricia leaving. He reasons that Tricia is right to take what Ray is offering. At Rita's table the talk is all jokes about death; Audrey reckons Alf will be next (judging by press reports on Bryan Mosley's health, she may be right!) they have to be more sensible as Mavis arrives.

Taxi: Don demands Alma listen to how he feels, now that all he had is gone. He maintains Baldwin cheated him out of his business, his girlfriend and his driving licence. Alma listens, then asks to go home. Don confesses he burnt the factory, but he wishes that Mike had been inside at the time. Don's eyes look crazy, and Alma gets distressed.

Rovers: Rita welcomes Mavis to join them as it is her first time in the pub as a widow. Fred arrives, loudly, but decides not to rescue Alec from the sombre gathering. Mavis is acutely aware of being alone; Rita wisely says that Derek is gone, and it is no use surrounding yourself with people, you will still feel alone without him.

Taxi: Don has grabbed Alma's wrists as he rants about the unfairness that he actually did Mike a favour and destroyed the evidence that could have sent Mike to jail. Don knows that the only thing of Mike's that he can now hurt is right there. He orders her to get out. She refuses, and he grabs her.

House: Angie has had lots of wine, but it is white, not red, so she isn't aphrodisiac'd by it. Consequently, when Chris puts his arm around her, she angrily tells him to get off, and that just because he lives there doesn't mean she is part of the package. Chris looks as bemused as me.

Taxi: Don pins Alma against the car - she sobs and pleads with him not to hurt her, she promises not to tell anyone. He realises she thinks he's about to rape her and angrily shouts that is not what he's after.

House: Jim is well into the first bottle of whiskey, and as Andy stares out of the window he explains how proud he used to be that Andy was at University, and that now he has thrown it away, he will never be a man. Andy is unmoved. Jim tells him that drinking a lot of whiskey will help him get over his disappointment in his two sons. Andy laughingly suggests Jim stop drinking and become a role model of a fantastic father.

Taxi: Don contemplates accepting Alma's 'offer' then goes into a tirade about women who go out tarted up, begging for it - ask any cabbie. Alma makes a bid for freedom and knees him in the groin. He collapses groaning but recovers to chase her up a steep bank.

Restaurant: Mike and Frankie appear to be getting on very well.

House: Chris apologises to Angie, explaining that at the party she was all over him. She says a snog doesn't mean anything, and becomes quite feisty, though Chris remains calmly amused, saying she is over-reacting.

Outside: Alma runs through deserted streets and fails to flag down a car.

Rovers: Jamie is having to do his own homework for a change, as his mate fell off a milk float. (No, it doesn't add to the plot, I just thought you'd want to know.) Vera and Trish continue to argue so Jamie is sent off. Trish flatters Vera by saying how grateful she is to her and Jack, and Vera is like a mother to her. She nevertheless regards Ray's offer as too good to miss, and her chance to settle in a proper home.

House: Chris decides to go out. Angie apologises and asks him to stay, but he goes anyway. She congratulates herself ironically on her handling of the situation.

Outside: Alma's shoes are killing her and she collapses as Don drives up, bundles her into the taxi and speeds off. He says he will take her home, but Mike will not want her after this. He tells her how depressed and despairing he has been. She tries to tell Don she understands how he feels, because Mike is selfish and hurts other people. She admits Mike tricked Don over the garage but she didn't agree with Mike and they argued about it.

Rovers: Mavis leaves, and Audrey and Fred speculate that if she had fed Derek more red meat maybe he wouldn't have died (What is this - the anti-vegetarian plot line??!) Audrey is getting very drunk and affectionate towards Fred. She obviously didn't learn her lesson with Big Ron then.

House: Andy drinks coffee but Jim is still on whiskey. Andy remarks he can smell it down the kitchen sink. (My theory - Jim is not really drunk, he has swapped the whiskey for cold tea and he's acting drunk in order to emotionally squeeze Andy) Jim becomes aggressive and orders Andy to sit and drink with him. Andy begs him to go to bed.

Restaurant: Mike and Frankie look flirtatiously into each others eyes and have a conversation in double-speak about lawyers needing to see their clients socially more when their 'affairs' become more complicated.

Taxi: Alma clearly thinks slagging off Mike and agreeing with Don is a good tactic. She wants Don to seek professional help.

Rovers: Judy marches into the back to get Vera as she's rushed off her feet. Vera is crying so Judy sits down as Vera bemoans losing all those she has loved. A great scene from both of them as Judy tenderly says everyone loves them, and she has still got Jack - they were made for each other. Vera cheers up and agrees to go back into the bar.

House: Jim is drinking heavily now and Andy tries to stop him; Jim says it is his revenge on Andy for drinking his career away.

Taxi: Driving into the waterfront area of Merchants Quay, Alma is relieved to be home. She promises to keep quiet but he doesn't believe her.

Rovers: Vera is in a very good mood.

House: Andy cries and apologises for hurting Jim, saying he will do anything Jim wants. Jim is really slurring his words as Andy agrees to sit his exams - only if Jim sobers up. Andy goes to bed and Jim pours his glass of whiskey back into the bottle with a rock-steady hand and sings softly to himself.

Taxi: Alma does her Samaritan bit by talking to Don about the future. They agree if he planned to go to Canada to see Nick it would give him something to look forward to. He says he will take her home now.

Rovers: Percy becomes the butt of Audrey and Fred's jokes. Vera decides to have an after hours drinking session for everyone. Fred pays. He's having his funeral wake now, so he can enjoy it! They joke about how Audrey will get home and Fred offers to carry her. Gail makes a big thing of getting Judy to phone Weatherfield Cabs.

Taxi: Outside Alma's flat, they notice the lights are off so Mike is still out. Don is convinced she will phone the police so drives off again. They grapple with the steering wheel and two passers-by see the car slewing across the road - it nearly runs them down. Don shouts 'LIAR LIAR' The car launches off the side and falls in the water as Alma screams. The car silently sinks, leaving only the roof thing with the number on it, floating in the dark water.

Phew! what an episode. All the best, Helen


Sunday 20 April

Here is the news for Sunday, April 20th

And in tonight's headlines,

Alma and Don pulled from taxi crash
Terry "the Duck" returns
Chris gives Angie the run around

 

In the main story of the day: Alma and Don are pulled from taxi crash at the Quays

News is just coming in of a savage twist in the long running feud between Don and Baldwin. Although having lost his licence last year, Don reportedly was driving a cab that crashed through a barrier and into the water at the Quays last night. Alma Baldwin was also in the taxi. Disaster was avoided by the swift actions of two men, messers N.O. Cent and B.Y. Stander, who dived into the water, rescued both people and called an ambulance.

I am joined in the studio now by N.O. Cent. Mr Cent,

"Call me Nobby"

All right. Nobby, tell us what happened.

"I was out with me mates till about 11:00 and I was just making me way home with B.Y. when we sees this car skidding down the road towards us. Well, I say the road, but it was more a walkway really".

Could you see what was happening inside the car ?

"I didn't get much of a look see? There might have been a struggle going on, I dunno. But I go 'Look out' and we jump out of the way. The car goes straight past us and into the water. "B.Y. goes 'Look, someone's got out', so I go 'Come on' and we dives in to get them. I grabs hold of the woman and pulls her to the side see? and B.Y., he's a better swimmer than me, he dives down and gets the man. The woman's pretty much OK, but the man is out cold".

What happened when you got them on the shore?

"I goes ter the woman, 'Don't worry, the ambulance is on it's way. We got yer friend out an all' an she goes barmy, starts screamin' like, 'Keep him away, he tried to kill me'."

And you stayed with them till the ambulance came?

"Yer, and the Old Bill too. We told them what had happened, but they go as 'ow she's just had a shock and maybe she didn't really mean it. But I thought she meant it."

Thank you very much. And now we cross live to Weatherfield General Hospital where Tom, your roving reporter, is speaking to Mike Baldwin and Martin Platt.

Thank you very much Jerry. Now Mike, can you describe your reactions when you heard the news?

"I'll kill 'im!"

I understand you were out until late yourself and didn't know anything had happened until you checked your answer machine on arriving home. Can you tell me what your thoughts were when you found out Alma had been hurt?

"I'll kill 'im!"

I understand that Alma is shaken up, but suffering physically only from minor cuts and bruises. When do you think she will be returning home?

"I'll kill 'im!"

Thank you Mike. Now Martin, may I ask you a few questions? How did you hear the news?

"Alma had given the hospital our Gail's name as Don's next of kin. When I got home last night, they called and told me he had been in an accident".

Were you surprised to find Mike here?

"Yes. When I arrived, Mike was just about to strangle Don. Unfortunately he was prevented by the hospital staff".

Do you believe these accusations that Alma and Mike are making?

"Well, it stands to reason that Don doesn't like Mike, but I'm not so sure he would set out purposefully to kill anyone. Well, maybe he might kill Mike, but not Alma. All the same, he has been acting very strangely lately".

Is Don going to pull through?

"He is still unconscious at present, but the doctors think he should come 'round soon".

Thank you Martin and Mike. Now back to you Tom.

 

Terry "the Duck" returns.

Trish, hearing an intruder in the bar late last night, went down to investigate and surprised none other than Terry Duckworth. Crime and felony has been so rife on the street lately that Terry is likely to be viewed as comparatively a model citizen by most members of the community. I'm joined in the studio now by Trish. Trish, how do you fell about Terry's return.

"I dunno Jerry, I just dunno. When I saw him standing there, me 'eart gave a great lurch like it was trying to break out of me chest. I could hear me own heart beating in me ears."

I understand you were just in the process of moving in with Ray. Is the return of Terry likely to change your plans?

"The thing is, Jerry, Ray is a good man. I know he is. He is great with the kids, reliable, loving, a good cook and he has a good job and detached house. I had been thinking that moving in with him would be a new start for us, a chance for a real life. But he just doesn't make my pulse race. I thought that I was past the pulse racing stage, but now I dunno".

Are you really prepared to throw away your new life of security and love for the uncertainty and abusiveness of Terry Duckworth?

"I dunno Jerry. If you could feel what I feel when I look at Terry, perhaps you'd understand. What is a boring life of security compared to the thrill of winning Terry? Oh I know, I'm a fool to meself. I'm always attracted to the bad ones. I dunno what I'll do."

Thank you Trish. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

In tonight's closing headline, Chris gives Angie the run around

Rejected harshly by Angie last night, Chris lost no time in telling every man in the street what had happened. Kev finally managed to get rid of him when Angie came looking for Chris to give him his door key.

"If you're goin' ter walk out on a woman, you should make sure you can get back in" is Kevin's amused response. Chris reported, rather more morosely "Angie treats me like she's my grannie".

tara for now - another Kevin


Monday 21 April

Here is the news for Monday, April 21st. And this is Jerry Ledbetter reading it.

In tonight's main headlines:

Trish changes her plans about Ray
Don sectioned
Gail blames herself for Don's attack
Chris unimpressed by Angie's apology
Mavis challenged over allotment

Trish changes her plans about Ray

In a shock move today, Trish confided to friends that she had decided not to move in with Ray, but to try to make a go of things with Terry. This news has been greeted with some concern by Jack and Vera. Vera is reported to have told Terry, "If you don't want to know, pay her off; we've managed quite well enough without you". Privately, however, Vera is said to be relieved that Terry has returned and sees the change as being likely to mean that Brad stays at the Rover's.

Notwithstanding, Jack and Terry do not see eye to eye. Upon being thanked by Terry for looking after Brad for him, Jack responded "For YOU?" and refused to let Jamie be awakened so Terry could have a bed for the night. The failure of Terry to remember Trish's name only added to Jack's pessimism about the "new leaf" claimed to have been turned by his son.

I'm joined in the studio now by Trish and Jamie. Trish, what did Terry say when you asked him where he'd been?

"He told me that he had been working hard to pay his girlfriend in Sheffield back the money he owed her".

Didn't he run out on her last year?

"Oh he had to leave her because he had fallen in love with me on those two nights we spent together. He couldn't go through with marrying her while loving me now could he?"

If he does love you, why didn't he come back to find you?

"That is the saddest part of the whole story Jerry. He hated himself for being so unfaithful - didn't think he was good enough for me. It's all dead romantic".

Thank you Trish. Jamie, how do you feel about the turn your life has taken?

"I don't see why she 'as ter go with 'im. 'E's ner good, yer can see it. I don' wan' ter leave Jack an' the pigeons an' I don't see why I should. Yesterday it was all Ray, Ray Ray. Now it's Terry, Terry, Terry. Who will it be termorrer? She says it's all complicated, but it always is with 'er. An' I'm expected ter tag along behind. It's not fur".

Thank you Jamie. We wish you all the best whoever you are with.

Don sectioned

In a shock move today Don has been sectioned for 72 hours. This is so his mental state can be assessed to determine whether or not he is to be arrested following last Friday's kidnapping and attempted rape and murder. Don claims to have no memory at all of that evening. Social workers told Gail and Martin that the section could be extended by up to six months if Don's condition warranted it.

Gail blames herself for Don's attack

Gail refused to see Don in hospital today, confiding in social workers that, "Don has been sick for a long time" and "If they need any evidence against him they can come to me". The reason for this behaviour became clear later when Martin and she visited Mike and Alma, released from hospital earlier today. In a shock expose, Gail related to the Baldwins how Don had terrorised ex-street resident Denise by a series of intimidating phone calls. Shortly after that he had shagged Bet Gilroy, and even then the danger signals hadn't been acted upon.

Mike is reported to have responded to Gail's admission of covering up Don's dangerous past with the words "She's sorry? It is Alma who ended up being very sorry". Alma was not available for comment.

Two brief items of news to close:

Chris unimpressed by Angie's apology

In a record breaking third apology, Angie tried to smooth things over with Chris again today. Her approach "I feel that friends should share the bills and not a life" failed when Chris told her to get out of his space at the bar.

Mavis challenged over allotment

Mr Gaskill of Weatherfield allotments, put his foot in more than his wellies today on his return from the Netherlands. Finding his allotment overgrown, he rushed to "The Kabin" to demand of Mavis why Derek had not looked after it as he had promised. Having been told that Derek is now pushing up daisies, he repented of his harsh words and promised to bring the matter up at the next committee meeting.

Mavis is reported to be unsure about whether to keep the allotment on as a tribute to Derek. "I feel that Derek is slipping away from me. My life revolved around him" she confided to Rita. Rita's tear jerking response was "His life revolved around you too. That's why you were so happy together".


Wednesday 23 April

A THOUSAND GREETINGS, and I hope it's been a wonderful week for you!

I am not a devotee of what is known as "Real Ale" but I am always up for a new experience, so last weekend I went to a local Beer Festival, where many of the UK's small independent brewers proudly show their wares to the beer-loving fraternity.

I wandered around the hall for a while, until I spied the stand of a brewer I had never heard of called Weatherfield Breweries. The fellow manning the stand looked a jolly sort; ruddy of visage, wearing a flat cap, carpet slippers and a highly patterned tank top.

I waited until he had finished talking to the previous 'customer' and sidled up to the stand. He had a distinctive northern accent.

"Street fan are we, sir....Coronation Street fan?" I said I was rather keen on it, as it happened, and asked him about the name of the Brewery and about the ales on show. "Aye sir...Weatherfield Breweries...established in 1976 behind t'Red Rec in Weatherfield. Locals like a joke, you know, and call us Gluten and Piddly, but we tek it all in uz stride!"

Me: Oh! Like Newton and Ridley?

Him: Got it in one sir! Like to sample some o't fine Ales, sir, each one lovingly created by masta brewers with a particular Street character in mind!

There were many quarter-pint glasses full of vastly different-looking ales, ranged on the mock-up bar in front of me, so I thought I would accept his offer.

These Real Ales often have wonderfully vivid names, don't you think?

These are the beers I tried, and I have added one or two comments on the relative merits of each:

SQUARE DEALER
A wee bit overblown for its own good, and liable to repeat on you, I say liable to repeat.

OLD CAMPAIGNER
Well past its best, this one. Likely to be withdrawn soon, I'd say.

LIVELY LADY
A fine body on this one, but inclined to be a bit too fruity for my taste. In fact I had to scamper to the toilet after drinking it!

YOUNG PRETENDER
This one travels well. It doesn't really give what you'd call a shot in the arm, more a shot in the leg!

OL' SLAPPER
Some very rough edges to this one...the head's really quite offensive...

SINEW STRETCHER
Often found in very large glasses. I preferred this one straight from the neck, however.

CRIMPER
Very fizzy. Too bubbly by half. No head to speak of. Pretty worthless, all in all.

COPPERS CHOICE
Gorgeous colour...fine, smooth complexion. Available again soon, I hope!

KAPTAINS KABIN
A much neglected, rich and mature pint with a fine reddish head. Been around for what seems like an eternity, this one!

FIRESTARTER
Didn't care for this one at all. Very bitter...probably too many hops!

5000 WATTS
Very strong in its own way...a beer that knows where it's going. One sip and my hair was standing on end, and I was seeing stars!

YOUNG LAG
This one hasn't been around for a while, but it's just been released. Unreliable...a bit unstable....one sip and your eyeballs could disappear inside their sockets!

OLD RELIABLE
Now this is what we should be seeing more of these days....very strong...dependable...not much to look at...a milk stout really, I suppose. Packs quite a punch. So good it could have been strained through a hairnet! They don't make 'em like this any more!

WOODEN HAMMER
Could be coming in a bottle soon, I hear!

There was one empty glass, with Queen 'O't Street emblazoned on it.

Me: Who does this one refer to?

Him: That were our most popular brew ever. You won't see it n'more round Weatherfield. Whether it'll ever come back.....who knows?

Me: There are a couple missing...what about Sue Jeffers and Ken Barlow?

Him: Oh, we don't do whisky, sir...you want Teachers....through in t'other hall!!

Here is the update...

It's morning at the pub, and Jamie wonders where Terry is, when he should have been still sleeping on the sofa. Clearly he has spent the night in the arms of the mother of his youngest child, not on the sofa at all. A very perky looking Tricia comes in and takes a mug of tea up to him. She parks the baby onto Vera, who is very pleased with the way things are going, as it might mean Tricia will be staying, along with the fruit of Terry's loins. Ugh! Let them make their own mistakes, she tells Jack.

A very worried Ashley is at No 8, where he's telling Gail and Martin about not being able to pay any rent to Don all the while he's 'detained'. He says that official looking envelopes are arriving, which might need prompt attention. Later, just as anxious, he confides in Fred, telling him of Don's admission of guilt over the arson incident. "He told me it were 'im" he says. He even tries to borrow £77 from Fred to settle one of the bills on Don's behalf. Fred says Ashley's not family, so it's not really his problem. Ashley says Don has been admitted to a mental hospital, a fact of which Fred was hitherto unaware. Ashley's suggestion of going to the police is ruled out by his uncle.

As they leave the pub, Fred tells Ashley to open all the letters which arrive, and to forget the "other business" ie the fire, and that he shouldn't feel guilty about not reporting his suspicions. Ashley eventually opens a letter from the Building Society which reveals that Don is six months behind with the mortgage. Fred advises him to leave the lodgings.

Natalie drives up to the garage, where Angie gets (presumably) her first glimpse of her. Angie reckons she looks like "one of those women who go about with no knickers on, just to get a secret thrill." I nearly choked on my red wine (one lives in hopes) to hear such a line uttered in dear old Coronation Street! I had no idea there were women who did such a thing! I sometimes go out without a vest on, but that doesn't give me a thrill, just a chill! Possibly a kind reader will enlighten me as to what manner of thrill could be experienced by this flagrant foolhardiness in the undergarment department? Generations of Worsfolds have sworn by the reinforced double-sewn gusset AT ALL TIMES. Perhaps I have lived too sheltered a life thus far?

Anyway, she has come to ensnare Kev, in the form of her cooking the evening meal for him and the kids. She will not take no for an answer (perhaps Angie was right?) so Kev sort-of agrees. He must have diverted her from her original plan somehow, as later they are drinking together in the Rovers. She's telling him how "evil" her husband is. She goes to the bar for a refill of their glasses, and as she does so, he looks at her in a different way for the first time. You know the sort of look....kind-of eyes her up and down, taking in the contours.

For all I know, they might have had the meal at his place before they went for the drink, but we never get to see it. He declares her unfit to drive, and tells her he'll call a taxi from Weatherfield Sub-Aqua Cabs Ltd. I imagined Jacques Cousteau at the wheel....."where can I take you ma cherie? et pourquoi vous ne portez pas le sensible gusset?" She might reply "tiens, Jacques...je ne porte jamais le sensible gusset quand je suis on-the-pull!"

Wilf Gaskell comes to the Kabin. He has brought Derek's old gardening outils back to Mavis, in the hopes of getting her to keep the allotment on, as a form of therapy. They aller to her place, where she makes a cup of tea. He is talking from the lounge while she's in the kitchen. He's saying what a great comfort it is to have les enfants around to support you when a loved one dies. "Did you and Derek have any children, Mavis?" he inquires. But answer came there none from la cuisine.

I'm getting the hang of this French lark now....there's no stopping moi!

Chez Des, Chris brings his art-student girlfriend home. Mandy, this is Angie...Andie this is Mandy. Mandy is suitably impressed that Chris habites avec une frock-designer. Chris and his oiseau go upstairs, and Angie later tells him off for being so noisy pendant le rumpeh-pumpeh. (I don't think that term translates all that well.) He says she's just jealous!

The histoire principale ce soir is of course the re-established relationship entre Tricia et le grand toe-rag, Terry. She has clearly tombee'd for his oily charm and she's prepared to throw in her lot with him. Terry says he takes his responsibilities tres seriousement. Quelle bloody lies!!

He says if he'd known she was avec un bun-dans-le-oven, he wouldn't have scarpered. When Tricia's out of the room, he makes a pass at Samantha. She gives him a very clear blank. Wise girl.

Jack makes sure the subject of Ray comes up in the conversation, so Tricia tells le grand toe-rag that it was nothing serious with him.

Later in the pub, she's there avec Terry, and Ray arrives. He goes to kiss her, but she pulls away, and introduces the lads to each other. Words are exchanged. Not friendly ones, either. "She's coming with me......NO she's coming avec moi" asserts le grand toe-rag. Soon, they both rise to their feet and square up, as though it's going to be fisticuffs, but the situation is diffused. Vera allows herself a crafty grin, as it looks like Tricia has decided to stay with Terry.

She later goes to see Ray, to say sorry. Encore une fois, he asks her to come and rester la, but it seems she's already decided. She cries, and says it will be better for l'enfant, being avec it's vrai pere. "I love him" she blubs.

For the last scene of the night, nous see le grand toe-rag searching the room at the pub. Eventually, il trouve what he's been looking for....a red cash box!! Quelle horreur! Furtivement, he opens it and peers inside...he lifts out the tray, but we don't get to voir what's in there! It could be empty, it could contain boucoups de cash!

He grins, right smirkily.

C'est tout!

Bonne nuit, et j'adore tout le monde!


Friday 25 April

Rovers: Tricia re-affirms to Terry her love for him and her thrill at having him around the baby. He is decidedly uncomfortable, but agrees to her request to accompany him out for a breath of fresh air. Vera is delighted they are getting on so well.

Flat: Mike invites Alma out to lunch but she prefers to stay in. He reassures her that he will protect her, but it isn't that she is afraid, it is that she doesn't want everyone looking at and talking about her.

Rovers: Ashley asks Jack's advice, as a friend of Don's, about the unpaid bills. Jack tells Ashley not to worry about it, and that Don has more important things on his mind than owing a few pounds. Chris asks Kevin if he can move in with him and Rosie, as he has 'woman trouble'. In the yard, Jack is doing the crates as Ray arrives - he has come to apologise to Tricia. Jack has to tell him that she is out with Terry and the baby. Ray seems resigned to the fact that Tricia has chosen Terry. Jack expresses his regrets, saying she didn't know when she was well off, as Terry is no good to anyone.

Street: Gary coos over little Brad, but Judy is off-hand with Terry and Trish. They meet Ray leaving the pub but Terry bundles her away. Ray calls after her that she knows where he is. Kev confides to Chris that Natalie fancies him, and although Chris's advice is to 'get stuck in' Kev isn't interested. Wilf Gaskell is on the street, and although he is plainly looking in completely the opposite direction when Mavis appears at the door of the Kabin, he goes in and says he saw her. Mavis seems very agitated, (as you would at a man with eyes in the back of his head,) and when he invites her to go for a drink later she rounds on him, fiercely telling him it's not on. He leaves, and Rita is concerned at Mavis's reaction.

Rovers: Domestic bliss rules at the Rovers as Terry spins Vera a yarn about getting a job nearer, him and Tricia buying a house nearby. Jack is unconvinced, he goes off to the bar, making sure they know he has 3 days' money to prepare for the bank.

Street: Kevin is less than thrilled when Natalie turns up at the garage. He fobs her off when she says she has business to discuss, but she intends to call at the house later. The best advice Chris can offer is to lie back and think of England.

Rovers: Jack intends to go to the bank to deposit an envelope full of money in the night safe. Terry offers to go, Jack declines. Vera urges Jack to show he trusts Terry and let him help, so Jack does.

House: Natalie arrives as Kevin is giving Rosie her tea. With a mouthful of fish finger, little Rosie delivers her lines.

House: Rita goes to see Mavis to express her concern at the way Mavis treated Wilf. Mavis knows she was rude, and intends to go to see him to apologise.

House: Kevin and Natalie share a bottle of wine as she flatters him by telling him how much she enjoys his company. He supposes there's no harm in it.

Rovers: It is getting late, and Terry has not returned. Jack seems unperturbed when he tells Vera that the takings were £2000. Vera presumes Terry has stolen the money and blames Jack for letting him go. Terry then bursts into the bar, fuming that there was no money in the envelope, only bits of newspaper. He squirms like a politician on the Today programme when Jack inquires why he opened the envelope instead of putting it in the safe like he was supposed to. Vera is appalled to realise that Jack set a trap and Terry fell in it. Jack supposes that the reason he took so long was that he was already on a train somewhere before he realised there was no money.

House: Chris arrives home; Angie apologises and admits to being jealous of his girlfriend, he says he fancies Angie really, and has done since they met. Then he immediately upsets her by suggesting they go to play hide the sausage. She protests it was only yesterday he had someone else in his bed; he's unconcerned. She concludes it's an age thing.

Rovers: Jack, Vera, Terry and Trish have gone into the back to have a massive row and disrupt RJamie's television viewing. Trash at first defends Terry, but soon gets upset when he announces he is leaving and she won't be accompanying him. Meanwhile, Jamie has answered the door to Ray, who gets angry when he sees Terry push Trash aside, so he thumps Terry. Ray tries to go to comfort Trash but she rushes to Terry's side. Ray turns on his heel in disgust and leaves.

House: Kevin is really out of his depth as Natalie speculates on what he would be like as a partner for pleasure instead of business. She stresses that she will not make him do anything he doesn't want to. He says he likes her but he and Sally are happy and he doesn't want to ruin that. She decides to leave.

Street: As Rita leaves Mavis's she meets Terry in the street, wiping his bloody nose; he rudely brushes aside her offer of help. At Kevin's door Natalie strokes her hand lingeringly across his ear and cheek as she says goodnight. Who should be passing but the Big Red Wig herself? She purses her lips and calls goodnight. Kevin snaps out of his reverie and he realises, as do we, that next time he's heading for a lecture from Auntie Rita.

Awards: You know it has been a cracking episode when:

1 Jack addresses Vera as 'my little swamp duck'
2 Rita addresses any female as 'Laydeh'
3 Young Jamie feigns indifference as the adults around him go ballistic
(4 Mrs. Mutton doesn't appear)

That's all folks - Helen


Sunday 27 April

Here is the news for Sunday the 27th April. This is Jerry Ledbetter reading it.

In tonight's headlines:

Ray rejected yet again
Panic at travel shop
Don transferred to prison
Tough beef scandal hits Betty's Hotpot
Kevin explains to Rita

Ray rejected yet again

In a surprise move today Jack visited Ray hoping to reconcile him with Trish. Later Ray called at "The Rover's" but failed to get Trish to change her mind and move in with him. Your Roving Reporter, Tom, has Trish with him in the radio car. Are you there Tom?

Yes, thank you very much Jerry. Now Trish, I understand it has been a difficult day for you.

"Yes Tom. It were so embarrassing, 'aving to apologise to Jack and Vera. Oh Vera were nice about it. She said not to worry, said Jack didn't mind. But I am so sorry. It's not Jack's fault; I don't know why Vera says it is".

I understand that Ray came over to see you this afternoon.

"Yes Tom, he came to say he wasn't sorry, not for thumping Terry anyway. He wanted to know if I were still hankering after Terry, but I told him I'm not that stupid. He is a good man Ray; he asked me if I still wanted to move in with him".

Did you agree to that?

"No. If there is one thing that is clear from all this, it is that I don't really love Ray. I do care about him, but if I really loved him I wouldn't have hurt him like that. So, no, there's no future for me and Ray. I wish there were but there's not".

Thank you Trish. Now back to you Jerry.

Panic at travel shop

Sources close to Alec report that he has had to put in extra hours at the shop with Dierdre, trying to get things tidied up before the surprise visit by an old enemy, Adam Newbold, now an executive at Sunliners. I'm joined in the studio now by Harvey Nutthall of Nutthall's Brewery.

I understand you were there when it happened Harvey.

"Oh no, the visit isn't until tomorrow. But I was there to see Alec work on a Sunday, which is something I never thought I'd see. I was just passing on me way to see Jack, when I noticed Alec was in. I'd been wanting to see him anyway about booking some acts for me pubs, so I went in for a word."

"I told him, 'None of your rubbish acts mind, no paper tearing and no dogs. I want to see the acts audition tomorrow'. And that's when he told me about the visit. He said not tomorrow because of that, and I suppose he doesn't want his bosses finding out he uses their premises to run his own business. Using their telephone, heating, rates and all."

"Alec is a canny type, but he doesn't make many friends. I went straight 'round to tell Jack all about it".

Thank you Harvey.

Don transferred to prison

The news broke today that Don has been assessed as fit to stand trial and has been transferred to prison in the meantime. Although somewhat expected, the move met with mixed reactions. Gail and Mike are pleased, but Alma is worried that, if a trial takes place, she will be expected to undergo the experience again in the witness box.

Tough beef scandal hits Betty's Hotpot

Two complaints about the quality of meat in "The Rover's" famous hotpot caused a falling out between Betty and Vera today. Betty, who buys the meat from "Bettabuys" to save Vera money has been warned by her boss that things must improve or she will have to get the meat from Elliott's instead.

Other sources point out, however, that one of the complaints came from Fred himself and the other from Audrey who, as everyone knows, is never happy with anything. It is rumoured that the whole scandal was orchestrated by Fred in a campaign to increase his sales.

And a brief item of news to close, Kevin explains to Rita.

In an attempt to stop Rita telling Sally about Natalie's late night meeting at his house, Kevin has seen Rita and explained the situation. Rita is alleged to have responded rather threateningly, "I hope I won't have to tell her", but has promised to keep quiet for the moment.

another Kevin


Monday 28 April

"I don't care if he can get Shirley Bassey for a packet of pork scratchings!" Vera, only minutes before she gets involved in yet another "madcap" scheme which would be better suited to children's comedy series "Rentaghost".

Trash/Judy/Duckworths/Drear/Alec

Vera and Jack are in the front room: Jack wants to talk about hiring a music act to make more money for the Rovers, while Vera launches into a long monoliquy about how when R Terreh was born he looked up into her eyes and it was as if he already knew her. Trash emerges from upstairs, having previously been engaged in not brushing her hair, and starts moping about how she's burnt all her bridges and can never go back to Carl now. Betty appears and everyone falls silent. "Continue talking!" snaps Betty. "I don't care about any of your personal lives."

Meanwhile, Alec is preparing for the visit of Somebody, who is the Sunliners Manager or something (why do I never pay attention to new characters unless they have big hair?) Seconds before he arrives, Jack appears, wanting Alec to do him a favour and get him cheap singing acts. Alec is not interested and it turns nasty, with Alec threatening, in that Hylda Baker voice of his "I can be a very dangerous enemy, Jack Duckworth". We have now descended right into Terry and June sitcom territory, because the Manager appears at that moment and hears Alec's threat.

But Drear (who is able to sniff out new meat quicker than anyone else) leaps forward, adjusting her hemline and croaks "I'm Deirdre, ask me!" The Manager knows a sure thing when he sees it and disappears in the back with Drear, who can't believe her luck.

Later, the manager wants to meet Joyce the cleaner for some reason, which causes Alec to get flustered. Drear says "Well, it's unfortunate but she's..." and before she can say "dead", Alec shrieks "off ill with flu." The mangager says he will see her on Wednesday, and then Alec admits to Drear that he's been claiming her wages and has not told anyone that she died. Drear sucks in her cheeks and looks pleased with herself.

So back at the Rovers, Alex smarms up to Jack - they strike a deal - he will get Jack cheap singing acts, if Jack persuades Vera to step into Joyce's shoes for the afternoon. Vera, is of course, appalled and refuses to have anything to do with it, which means, of course, that come Wednesday she will be running a duster over Drear's computer and saying "Just call me Joyce".

Back in the Miserable World of Trash, our common heroine is soliciting advice from Judy, who tells her to go and patch things up with Carl. Trash wonders if it is all worth it. Judy, the prototype Ricki Lake watcher is always able to force her point home with homespun advice and a large selction of insults. For example: "You prat!" she tells Trish at one point.

Kevin/Tony's Mother

Who is this woman? I have not been keeping up with developments on a regular basis, so my only glimpse of her up to now had been in a torn up copy of The Sun (not my own). I have decided that I hate her already. She is like "much-loved" professional Liverpudlian, Margi Clark, but without the Liverpudlian bits.

For some reason Kevin (who I always thought had better taste) has become infatuated with her, and gets her to come to the garage on some pretext (a bounced cheque). She tells him off for wasting her time, and then tries to smoulder at him. Kevin - get some sense. This woman could teach Liz McDonald new tricks. If you are going to have an affair (which is somehow more unlikely than Curly being involved with 3 women over Christmas), then at least do it with someone who appears attractive on the surface like Fiona or Maxine or Chris.

Alma/Mike/Angie/Chris

Angie and Mike have a meeting in a restaurant, so that Angie can reveal her new plans for a range of unisex underwear. (What are the writers playing at?) Mike immediately comes out with lots of "the bottom line" jokes, which Angie ignores, telling him that she wants to be a partner with him in a business development. "Have you heard of Britex?" she asks. "It's a big company in London." Understandably, Mike has never heard of it. Neither have we. Britex, Kaybeck. Who invents these ridiculous names?

But Mike is suitably impressed and whizzes off home to tell Alma about it. Meanwhile, Alma has other plans and wants to go and live somewhere where there is sunshine and palm trees. Mike doesn't have the heart to tell her that she's going to have to stay put while he makes underwear with Angie.

In an unrelated development, Angie and Chris exchange insults and bitter comments, in their non-relationship. They may as well be in a relationship though, considering the way they interact.

Don/Ashley

Ashley visits Don in prison (wearing the familiar red hockey-team vest, which probably still has Steve McDonald's sweat marks on). Don tells Ashely that he had nothing against Alma - he just wanted to get back at Mike, and he is glad she is not dead.

He also asks Ashely to throw away the key to Mike's garage (which he hid in a clock). Apparently, Don believes that attempted murder is a less serious crime than burning down a factory (maybe it isn't, I don't know), so he wants Ashley to destroy the evidence. Ashley looks reluctant, and leaves. On the way out he passes a detective who questions him - Ashley quivers noticeabley - the policeman's spidey senses are alerted.

Back home, Ashley gets the key from the clock (putting his fingerprints all over it). Then Martin knocks at the door, so he puts it back.

Meanwhile, the police question Don, and easily trick him (without even trying) into confessing that he used the key. Don thinks Ashley has talked, so to pay him back, he tells the police that Ashley burnt down the garage. "He'll do anything for me that lad. More like a son to me." Poor Ashley, maybe when he is incarcerated he will be lucky enough to have Don as his "Daddy" on the inside too. Credits.

Awards

Marks Out of 10. 5. An average episode, trying to concentrate more on cosy humour than anything else. Only Fred Elliot and "Betty's Hotspot" were missing.

Glamour: Alma has finally managed to get the seaweed out of her hair - you would hardly think that she had been through such an ordeal. Anti-glamour: Trash - when that girl lets herself go, she really lets herself go.

Paul Baker


Wednesday 30 April

A THOUSAND GREETINGS and have you noticed how quickly Wednesday comes around!

A couple of weeks ago, a free copy of Beverly Callard's (LIZ McDONALD) latest exercise video came into my possession. It promised to entirely reshape my body in ten short weeks, so the other night I thought I'd start the regimen and take the first tentative steps towards a new me.

I wore my purple lycra figure-hugging all-in-one outfit. It's the one I used to wear for aqua-aerobic line-dancing down the local swimming pool every second Monday night. I had to stop going after the repeated unpleasantness and wholly unwelcome remarks in the unisex changing rooms afterwards, but that's another story. I know that woman was only trying to help, but people should know where to draw the line! There was absolutely no call for a letter to the newspaper!

So I did the workout while watching the video, gently at first, just as Liz told me. I clenched my buttocks, flexed my pectorals, (I didn't even know I had pectorals until then) and pulled my tummy in, along with the rest of her 'class' on the screen. They all looked far better than me, as they were wearing flab-concealing designer costumes which even made one fearsome-looking old trout look like she had the sleek and svelte form of supermodel Naomi Campbell!

On the entire video, the most wonderful instruction from Liz is when she says "now...lie flat on yerrr tummy....yeah, you've got it...now really clench yerrr buttocks with all yerrr might....tighter....tighter....imagine yev got a ten pound note in therr and someone's trying to pull it out!" I died with laughter. I just collapsed. I missed the next three moves because I was incapable of standing! Dominic offered to call an ambulance.

Maybe Liz goes to some of the same clubs as me after all!!

Anyway the end of the tape finally came. I was exhausted, and very happy I had not actually paid for the tape.

A smiling, perspiring Liz said good bye and that was it. I flopped back onto the settee to recover for a few minutes, and let the tape run. After about eight minutes of white noise, some text appeared on the screen. This is what it said "20,000 copies of this video have been produced and sold. This is number 20,000, and some of the lads in the film-crew decided it might be a nice idea to leave this extra couple of minutes on the tape, just to make it a collector's edition.....Beverly Callard had no idea the cameras were still rolling.....ENJOY, and thank you for buying Edition 20,000"

I shall describe what appeared:

5..4..3..2..1.......thank you studio, thank you Bev...relax everybody..I think that's it.

BEV: Oh bloody 'ell, thank god that's over. If any bastard asks me to do another one of these bloody fitness videos, the answers nurrrrr! They said I'd cop for ten grand from the last one, and I only cleared four.....TARQUIN....TARQUIN...??? where's me fags? Call yourself a bloody personal assistant! I'm gaggin' here! You better not 'ave eaten all me bloody doughnuts, either. I counted 'em, you nurr. If there's not twelve left in that bag when I get over therrr, someone's in for a right good slappin, I'm telling yer, so think on!

Two of her 'class' approach her gingerly and ask for an autograph, saying it's been great to work with her.

BEV: Nurrr, I'm off duty! Before you go, get these damn trainers off me. Bloody things are at least two sizes too small. I deserve an extra five 'undred quid for 'aving to wear 'em like that!

A lighted cigarette is passed to her from the left. She is still flopped into a chair, her lycra-clad legs splayed.

BEV: Me throat's a dry as a nun's armpit here, who do I 'ave to kill to get a bloody drink?

A young studio junior brings in a glass of freshly-squeezed orange on a tray.

BEV: Are you bloody kiddin' me eh? I'll see you never work with top showbiz stars again unless you get me a PROPER DRINK..I've been floggin' me body in 'ere for the last three days...sweatin me *** off, to put it politely.

A man wearing headphones brings her a pint of very dark and heavy- looking beer which she downs in about ten seconds.

BEV: Didn't even touch the bloody sides...I'll have another!

Her personal assistant, Tarquin, brings her the bag of jam doughnuts, and she eats five on the trot, slapping him around the head in between each one for not getting any Belgian chocolates and fresh cream eclairs as well.

BEV: You nurr very well Tarquin, I've told you before, my body's a bloody temple, right?

A voice from somewhere off camera: "Bev, sorry love, but we're going to have to do the last thirty minutes again. We've just seen the rushes and there's the teensiest little wet patches under your arms, and we can't have that, ok love?"

BEV: THIRTY MINUTES?....AGAIN?....NOW? (she stands up and looks right into the camera as she says) Look sunshine, I don't care if you did direct the Halfords Bicycle Maintenance Video Parts One and Three...that doesn't cut any ice wi' me! I'm a bloody star, me! The answer's bloody nurrrr! In fact you can...........

 

.......and the screen goes blank. So ends the Collectors Edition. Any offers?

(By the way, in order to keep me out of court, you do realise none of the above is true, don't you? The video is actually fine, and Ms Callard approaches the task with consummate professionalism.)

 

Here is the update:

As Ashley gets the incriminating keys from their hiding place inside the clock, the postman and milkman are going about their morning business outside. He replaces the keys, for now. The girls from the salon are placing their advertising boards on the pavement, and a very preoccupied young butchers boy walks by, not even acknowledging Maxines advice to "cheer up..it might never 'appen"

Kev arrives at the garage, where Chris is already twiddling with a car engine. Kev asks if there have been any calls, which gives Chris the chance to inquire if he's expecting anyone specific to call. Then Kevin tells Chris that if he sees him being a bit less frosty to Natalie in future, it will all be for the good of the firm. Oh yeah? I've heard it all now!

At the pub, Jack tells Alec that Vera will not play the part of the recently deceased Joyce, in order to get him off the hook with his boss, Mark Newbold. Tricia walks in carrying the bairn, and so Alec thinks she might fit the bill, and offers her a new pair of trainers for Jamie if she'll step into the breech. She never grasps what he's proposing, and he's left cursing Jack, and still wondering where he can obtain his phantom office cleaner.

His next port of call is the Kabin, where he is just about to offer the acting role of the century to Rita, when Judy walks in, so he shuts up pronto. He can hardly discuss impersonating Judy's dead mother in front of her. Not even Alec would contemplate that....would he?

Later Rita calls at the travel office (having got the full story from Vera) to give him a right good tongue lashing, when the boss himself arrives. Alec is by now panic-stricken. Mr. Newbold sees Rita and assumes she is Joyce. He thanks her for all her hard work, which is greatly appreciated. With tremendous reluctance and much meaningful face pulling, Rita goes along with the lie, and Alec is therefore off the hook. He pushes his luck by telling Rita "Make sure you give those venetian blinds a good fettlin'...you missed them last week" Rita pulls yet another face. This one says, "I'll have you for this, you snake"

Sure enough, her chance comes later in the pub, when Judy is talking about wanting some nice monument for her mother. Rita and Alec are at the bar and Rita sees her chance. Out of Judy's hearing, she feels sure Alec will provide, say £300 from Joyce's 'backpay' to finance a nice plaque! Smart move Rita!

In the cafe, Kev gets very prickly when his father makes a remark about him being glad when Sally gets back. Vera is in there, having taken young Brad for his clinic appointment. As she's leaving, she meets Ray. They have a short conversation about Tricia, which amounts to very little really, but leaves the jilted decorator staring pensively at the floor, as though he's resolving to do summat.

Alma is getting quite excited at the prospect of starting a new life in the sun. Florida is uppermost on her wish-list, and she's making one or two calls to find out some details. They can get a nice place for 80,000 quid, it seems. Mike fends her off, stalling for time, because he is carrying optimistic thoughts of some sort of partnership with Angie, so the last thing he wants to hear is plans for upping sticks and moving to the other side of the world. "Florida is all dry Martinis and passion fruit" he says.

Mike and Angie share a couple of good scenes where garment power- politics are played out. He has done some homework, and gives her a folder containing likely customers for their new and exciting range of unisex knickers. All this is a bit previous, as no agreement on a partnership has been thrashed out yet. She's looking for 50/50, but there's some bluff and double bluff going on. Percentages are haggled over, and Angie even says perhaps she should be approaching someone younger and more dynamic. This is one dangerous girl! She exploits men's weaknesses by playing on their vanity.

(Look, ladies, we're weak....us men...we're all weak. You know that...we know that. Don't make us miserable by using our own weakness against us. We don't know how to respond. We're not half as clever as you. Some of us are downright dim. You know that too. Make allowances for us. Forgive us. Always. Whatever we've said that was bad, we didn't mean it...on the other hand, if we said something that was good, we meant every word.)

Natalie leaves the garage (although we didn't get to see her arrive) with the books she needs for the accountant. Kev has a vain stab at being charming with a line something like "you don't have to rush off so soon, do you?" thereby delivering TV Drama Cliche Number 234. She doesn't fall for his charm, and exits without Kev being able to deploy further verbal seduction technique. Young Kev has changed his tune, and now Mrs. H is making him work at it by playing hard to get, all of a sudden.

The main storyline concerns Ashley.

Fred had advised him to go to the police with the keys, and to tell all he knows about Don's confession. So the youngster, following his uncle's advice, picks up the keys, and is on the verge of taking them to the police, when they arrive at the door. He proffers said keys, to save them looking all over the house, and they whisk him down to the nick.

At the police station, he looks awfully nervous. One of the policemen does the old silent stare routine, and the other one does all the talking. Having one silent actor saves Granada 200 quid, I shouldn't wonder! At first Ashley says he was out clubbing with a group of mates. Later when asked for the mates' names, he is forced to admit he lied about them, so as not to look like he went to a club alone.

The pressure is turned up by degrees on the hapless young master Peacock, and another silent actor is provided, in the form of the female duty solicitor. Another 200 quid towards the annual cast party!

So at 3:59 pm in Interview Room B, the tape recorder is turned on. It is here when the detective tells him that Don is now saying Ashley was the one who set fire to the factory. Ashley looks very hurt to learn that Don has 'fingered him' for the crime. But at this stage, Ashley is not charged, so Uncle Fred comes to the police station later, to take him home. Ashley seeks reassurance from Fred that they can't pin on him something he didn't do. Fred gives that assurance, which brings the cheeky grin back to Ashley's face, but the detective advises him not to book any holidays, as it's all far from over!

They could have resorted to TV Drama Cliche number 117: "ok, kid, you can go for now but.....don't leave town."

That's yer lot.

Good night and I love you all.

Nigel



Written by Paul Baker, Nigel Worsford, Helen Johns and Kevin Albertson


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