Wednesday 1 January

A THOUSAND NEW YEAR GREETINGS and may I wish everyone a healthy and wonderful 1997.

One of the best presents I received for Christmas was a powerful telescope. I have always done astrological predictions, so with the aid of the new equipment, I am happy to offer the following horoscopes for the coming month. Please be kind to me, by not just reading your own:

ARIES
According to the current planetary positions, you should have plenty of ammunition to convince others that you are not prepared to be a pawn in anyone else's game, except on your own terms. Avoid Moroccans.

TAURUS
The position of your opposite sign, Scorpio, should enable you to park in a "Disabled Parking" space with unexpected impunity. If your partner should suggest the purchase of Spice Girls memorabilia, do not condemn the idea out of hand.

GEMINI
Your ruler, Mercury, enters Mars around the 21st, so nothing should stand between you and a new long-term commitment. Try to remain aloof in a restaurant when a young lady at the next table fakes orgasm loudly. An unpleasant rash will respond favourably to acupuncture.

CANCER
The recent solar eclipse has left you unsure who you are. Let me assure you, you are nobody important. Do not answer the telephone on the 19th between 8.30 pm and 9.07 pm for obvious reasons.

LEO
This is a bad time for Leo, a very bad time, since Saturn is in your house, and wrecking up your stuff. A challenging aspect is forming between your ruler, the Sun, and Venus. You will start to wonder why you read horoscopes. Around the middle of the month, you will almost certainly encounter a badger.

VIRGO
Saturn will change direction on the 9th. It has never done this before in the history of the universe, but I'm a hell of a clairvoyant, so trust me on this one. Be true to yourself. If possible, insult a total stranger.

LIBRA
There is much solar activity in the financial aspect of your chart. Around the 20th, tell friends you have won the National Lottery. Towards the end of the month, industrial adhesives will be uppermost in your mind.

SCORPIO
Pluto will come into direct conflict with Uranus. You are in big trouble. Wear only loose-fitting clothes. Stay indoors at all costs and consult me privately.

SAGITTARIUS
The sun enters your birth sign on the 30th. You will read one of those $$$Get Rich Quick$$$ notices on the Net and think it sounds foolproof. This mental aberration will later be attributed to having eaten tainted gravy.

CAPRICORN
You will breathe a sigh of relief as Saturn returns to its normal course on the 15th. You will feel the urge to paint something. Resist. Consider changing your hairdresser.

AQUARIUS
The difficult aspect between the Sun and Mercury will cause you to feel quite peaky, leading to delusions that you were Mike Plowman in a former life. Keep calm. Be kind to a stray animal, and all will be well by the 26th.

PISCES
This week Saturn changes direction after appearing to go backwards through your birthsign for the last four weeks. Don't come crying to me, the telescope's on the blink, I'd say. Around the 22nd, you will be offered the means to self-improvement. Refuse steadfastly. Who needs it? Be yourself. Eat mango at your peril on the 15th, for you will lose your hair by mid-March!

Here is the update for the UK episode transmitted on the first day of 1997, and on balance, it didn't have a great deal to commend it:

We begin at Curly's house, where Samantha asks him how far he got. "All the bl**dy way, two or three times!" I shouted at the screen, but she pretended not to hear. He misunderstands her question, and says Stockport. He tells her that it's no good chasing a mirage, and that he realised he was leaving behind a sense of belonging to a community, respect, and his own home. It is at this point that they begin to differ. Samantha reminds him that he has rented the house to her. She makes it clear that he's not welcome to come back, thereby squashing his suggestion that they could share. She teases him later, rubbing salt into the wound when she tells him she has had a chance to think about it, and the answer is still no. She condescends to allow him to stay one more night, and then...finito!

She says that it's because she can foresee the gossip which would ensue. Curly phones Frosty Eric Firman and asks for his old job back. Frosty agrees, which will have upwardly-mobile Anne highly miffed when she hears about it, because she has been cock-a-hoop about her new position. I might almost be tempted to comment that her excitement was in tents!

In the Corner Shop, Emily announces to Maud and Maureen that she intends to take on a new interest in life, by way of a New Year's resolution, although as yet she has no idea what it might be. Wouldn't it be just wonderful if she bought herself a computer and got connected? I predicted this about a year ago on the newsgroup, when I spotted that EMILY is an almost exact anagram of EMAIL! Bill comes in to tell Maureen that he's going to Bristol again to see his nipper. His negative state of mind is exacerbated when Curly breezes in, saying he has returned to renew previous personal relationships. When Bill has left, Maureen shoves Curly out of the shop to tell him that she felt it necessary to spill the beans to Bill, about their one night of bonkey- love, as my 12 year-old son calls it. She explains that she owned up to clear her conscience, only when she believed Curly was gone for good.

Curly is later having a drink in the Rovers, where Samantha tells him he should have kept on going. Fiona and Maxine arrive. Maxine spots him and makes a hasty retreat. Back at the flat, she gets the third degree from Fiona. The music in the background at the time sings, tell me your secret...let it all out. Maxine lets it all out and Fiona laughs her head off. She tells Maxine that's probably the reason Curly came back...for a repeat performance! There is much hilarity from Fiona, and playing with her extensions.

Alan arrives on the stroke of 5.00 and she is grumpy with him for having stood her up, in failing to take her to Curly's leaving "do". He tells her it was due to pressure of work, and that's how it's always going to be in his profession. She doesn't stay cross for long; indeed it is but a few short moments before they are assiduously massaging each other's tonsils with their tongues. Ah....young love!

From then on, it's all a load of ballcocks!

Jim has fixed it! Andy's defective ballcock, that is. As he comes down the stairs, the Irish charmer quips that all it needed was a new washer and a spot of grease. Would that real life were that simple, boys and girls!

To reward his plumbing prowess, Anne goes out to fetch him fish, chips and mushy peas. Liz arrives. (I must tell you, I was in a local branch of Woolworths today, very nearly buying the Spice Girls 1997 calendar, when I literally bumped into Liz herself, yes, Beverly Callard! You could have knocked me down with a feather. Actually, I could have knocked her down with a feather because she was a life sized grinning cardboard effigy, wearing her size 8 leotard, and hoping to sell me her exercise video. I tell you, the shock of all that exposed lycra-clad cardboard almost brought on one of my turns. I collapsed into Ladies Underwear, where my fall was broken by several pairs of reinforced- gusset foundation garments! Otherwise it could have been nasty. The manager was summoned, and I was compassionately ushered out into the stockroom, and provided with a cup of tea and a complimentary quarter of pick-and-mix. I asked would it be all the same to them if I plumped for a free Spice Girls calendar instead, whereupon they promptly lost interest in my condition, and I was led from the store!)

Anyway, back to the show...Liz tells Jimbo all about Fraser's worries vis-a-vis Steve, and how he appears to be falling under the influence of that hateful Malcolm Fox in prison, and would Liz like Fox to be 'advised' of the implications of leading poor little Steve astray.

Martin and Gail are round at the Baldwin's for dinner. All goes well at first, but then Baldwin demonstrates what a slimebag he really is. He starts spouting about his political views, then gets round to the subject of a certain suicidal cabbie. Initially, he knows nothing of Don's effort to top himself, so Martin tells him, hoping to shut him up. It's a forlorn hope, and Mike gets the bit firmly between his teeth, after a couple more brandies, he says that Don is a failure at everything....and couldn't even make a success of killing himself. By the time this remark sees the light of day, the guests are halfway to the door in disgust. Non UK viewers might like to watch out for a mysterious circle in the middle of Alma's back, as she ushers the guests out of the room. When they've gone, she has a right go at Mike, and the episode ends with a veiled threat that she might leave him. He stops in mid-puff of his fat cigar and looks genuinely concerned, as the music plays and the credits roll.

That's yer lot.

Have a great year!

Good night and I love you all!

Nigel.


Friday 3 January

Happy New Year everyone, I hope you have all recovered from the seasonal excesses.

Cafe: It is early morning. Gail is already working when Alma arrives - collecting the letters from the postman on the way in. Gail and Alma both feel bad about Don. Gail wishes she hadn't said anything, "I'd have found out anyway" Alma remarks prophetically. She glances through the letters, opens one and looks aghast.

House: A hacking cough heralds the arrival downstairs of the Street's superstud, Curly. Samantha isn't impressed that he is only wearing a dressing gown. She makes it clear he isn't welcome in the house any longer.

Cafe: Alma shows Gail her letter which is from Don. It is all about Mike, Don blaming Mike for everything. Alma finds it all very disturbing. Gail is upset too.

Back Alley: Joyce and Judy arrive to find Gary in Samantha's backyard having a cup of tea and conferring over her motorbike, (which is the one she bought from Gary) Judy is not pleased. Gary was supposed to have gone to see Joyce's landlord.

Firman's: Anne arrives and eyes the managers office with a self-satisfied smirk - which vanishes when she finds Curly sitting behind the desk. Eric didn't explain to her. I think she was then supposed to look as if she were about to burst into tears, but to me it looked like she was trying not to laugh, "It's called acting, dahling" Anne is mortified, Curly apologetic. She feels humiliated since she told everyone that she would be in charge. He says it will not affect her promotion prospects. There is also the other matter - she kissed him and told him how she felt. Curly says it will be OK, it was only a kiss. (That puts an end to the newsgroup discussion about what happened in the tent, then) She says it will be awful having to work with Curly every day and going home to Andy, feeling she's betrayed Andy by practically saying she would rather be with Curly. He apologises again for coming back, and says it won't affect her chances of promotion.

Rovers: Joyce is shocked when Gary tells her he's sorted it out with her landlord and she can move back in to her old house. Joyce doesn't want to go, but Gary insists; Judy keeps quiet.

House: Curly tries to relax at home, Sam tells him he has to leave this evening.

Rovers: Trish tells Jack and Vera that she did give the name of the baby's father to the Social Services, then confides to Vera alone that she didn't, but had to tell Jack she did. In the bar, Fiona and Maxine are talking about Fiona's new man. Max finds it suspicious that he won't let Fiona see where he lives (do we think he's married?) then Curly comes in and Max is embarrassed. Curly asks Andy if he can stay for a few nights. Andy agrees, and waves off Curly's advice to check with Anne. Curly goes to chat to Maxine.

Flat: Mike reads the letter from Don and chuckles over it, dismissing it as rubbish. Alma wishes Mike were more sensitive, to which he retorts she married the wrong bloke for sensitivity. Then he gazes in to space, and you can almost see the cogs whirring in his head.

Rovers: Curly explains to Maxine how flattered he was be her attentions and asks her for a date. She coldly explains that she was out of her mind with alcohol, otherwise she wouldn't look at him; she's seriously embarrassed; he's never to mention that night again. he looks gormless and agrees.

Flat: Mike wants to go out; Alma is sulky and accuses him of not caring how the letter has affected her, or how she is affected by dealing with people who do blame Mike for things. He says you should take no notice. He then says we know who you mean when you talk about men with sensitivity. The name of Stephen Reid is not mentioned, but Alma knows who Mike is referring to. She denies it and says Mike is turning it all around. He goes out without her.

Rovers: Bill is very upset with Maureen about the Curly incident. Then she tells him it wasn't the first time. He is incredulous and finds it hard to forgive her. She tells him to forget it.

House: Ann cannot believe Curly asked Andy if he could stay. She tells Curly she feels compromised and she hates him. Curly looks glum. Credits.

Take-home message: "My coming back will have no effect on Anne's promotion" Curly, (three times).

Helen.


Sunday 5 January

Extract from Curly's diary

I'm beginning to think that coming back was the worst decision I've ever made. Just because people said they were glad to see me go, I thought they would be glad to see me stay. But no, they've got what they wanted, me house, me car and me job, or that's what Anne thought anyway, even me self respect.

The day started off badly enough. I came downstairs just as Andy was leaving for work. Anne had got herself all worked up. Seems I left me trainers in the wrong place or something. Over breakfast she told me THE RULES. She treats me as if I am a kid; home before late, keep me room tidy, make me bed, blah, blah blah. And the most important rule of all, Get Out. I have a feeling that, except for the last one, Andy has the same rules to live by.

I'm going to move out all right. I'd hate to come between her and Andy. Not that I could. I simply can't live like that; ordered around all the time. Andy can have her and welcome to it if that's what he wants.

Problem is, what do you do when you haven't got a house to hang out in? I can't spend every day propping up the bar at the Rover's. I tried to talk Martin into coming to the football with me, but he's got his own life. They all have, and they want me out of it.

Extract from Jack's diary

I know what they are up to, even if our V can't see it. I comes downstairs in t'morning, me a sick man and all, and find there's no food for us breakfast, they've eaten it all. They've got to go, I says to V. But no, she thinks Trish is practically family now.

And that's what Trish thinks and all. She comes down, having cleaned out her room. Jamie goes out to look after me birds, and Trish is all "He loves them pigeons, it's changed his life bein' here". And I can see Jamie is a nice kid. But we just haven't got the money to take them on. If I had to adopt every girl our Terry got in trouble, there'd be a queue from here to t'bookies outside me door.

Everyone wants something for nothing lately. Emily wants me to put a box on me bar to collect people's old spectacles to send to the missions or something. I never even knew there were such things as old specs. Don't specs keep going for ever? This is supposed to be a pub, not a flamin' charity shop.

Extract from Jim's diary

Well, stick it out, who would have believed it eh? Curly Watts? I'll tell you one thing and I'll tell you it now, that Bill had a lucky escape sure enough. Women like that, they're only trouble. I knew something was up with him today. We were trying to get a quote in for Fiona and he was snapping my head off every time I opened my mouth. I had it out with him sure enough and he told me that Maurine has been sleeping with Curly. I though he was winding me up, but he swears it's true. With Curly! That's an insult to any man.

It's better for him to find out now if that's the kind of woman she is. Better now than after they tie the knot. Women like that, they'll just ruin a man's life and take all his money afterwards, so they will. That Sam's another woman who is trouble. Revving up her bike on a Sunday morning, waking up the whole street. Then to top it all, she has an argument with Judy Mallat. In fact she has two, once first thing in the morning, just to start the day off right, and another as Judy and Garry are getting Joyce into the taxi to go back to her flat. I offered to sort out her bike for her, but no. She just leads men on, so she does, but she's not really interested. Ah women, who needs them anyway if that's the way they feel?

Extract from Alma's diary

It probably was a mistake to go and try to have it out with Don. I see that now. Mike is wrong when he thinks I went around to apologise for him though. I'm not fool enough to think an apology will help Don. Anyway, Don made a fool of himself, and it was his own greed that caused his problems with the garage. Thinking he'd put one over on Mike, when all the time, Mike was pulling the wool over his eyes.

No, the reason I went to see Don was as a friend, to see if I could do anything to help him. But of course I can't. All the same, I am sick off mike's attitude to the whole thing. It is one thing to outwit someone to get a higher price for the garage, it is another to take a positive delight in driving a man to despair, the way Mike has driven Don. And he's proud of it. How can anyone be proud of outwitting Don Brennan? But Mike is so stubborn. His point of view is "You knew what I was like when you married me", and "You don't mind living with the trappings" that his callousness provides. Well, I do mind. But what choice do I have but to live with the trappings? If I leave them, I leave him.

Even if I do love him, that doesn't mean I have to love everything about him. But every time I try to reason with him, he throws Stephen in my face. "Stephen's coming tomorrow, that'll keep your mind off Don Brennan" he says. And there's no reply to that.

nother Kevin

Corro Ergo Sum


Monday 6 January

Welcome to yet another "Coronation Cadbury's Christmas" introduction as the chocolatised version of the Street has been genetically altered so that it now appears to be snowing over the top of it. And if that doesn't scare you, Vera's cymbal ear-rings are waiting just round the corner...

Vera,Jack,Trash,Emily

Although Jack has been moaning about Trash and Jameh overstaying their welcome for ages, nobody seems to care - even though Betty is adamant that she doesn't want Trash sniffing round her hotpot. Vera tells Jack to shut up as Trash is carrying their grandchild - but then Trash tells Jameh to "help himself" to crisps and it is the last straw for Jack.

Later, while on the stairs, Trash overhears Jack complaining about how nobody wants Miss Cadge and her spiky-haired son around, so Trash does the decent thing for once and hauls Jameh back to their freezing-cold flat. Vera begs them to stay, but Jack is pleased to see the back of them.

In a further plot development - Jack decides to raid the charity-spectacles box in order to exchange his sellotaped specs for a pair which are slightly tinted and make him look seedy. Assorted members of the cast comment on how nice he looks, but then Saint Emily has to spoil it all by putting on her lawyer voice and telling Jack that she knows he's taken the specs from the box that is supposed to go to disadvantaged peoples. Vera is horrified at this theft and makes Jack replace the spectacles. Jack seems content to make do with the old pair but suddenly Vera seizes them from him in a fury and throws them to the floor shrieking "I'm sick to death of the bloody things!" (echoing the sentiments of a nation). She tramples them underfoot with her heel. And how they all managed to get through that scene without saying the word "sellotape" once I'll never know. Next episode - Jack goes to the opticians - and who says that 4 episodes a week means a drop in the quality of storylines?

Curly,Ann,Mr Firman

Mr Firman tells Curly that he is glad to have him back and that Ann would not have been his replacement - oh no - instead he would have hauled Reg Holdsworth all the way back from Lowestoft. Curly tells Ann this news and she is suitably ashamed and grateful for once.

Steve,Liz,Jim

La Mouton and Jim are visiting Steve in prison, and it looks as if all that gruel is agreeing with Pretty-Boy because I can detect the beginnings of a double-chin. The divorcing pair are trying to present a united front as Liz confronts Steve with the news that she knows he is consorting with the "man who put him in prison in the first place." Liz reveals that Fraser told her all about it, and Steve glosses this by saying that this is Fraser's way of "courting" Liz - what funny ways men in prison have of courting people!

Ken,Fiona,The Drear

The date of the court hearing approaches and Ken asks Dreary to be present at a "meeting of action" that evening so she can "tell him when he's talking nonsense." A reluctant Drear agrees to show up, knowing that if she relinquishes her shaky grasp on this story-line it's back to being a henchwoman for Liz and nothing else.

Ken visits Denise's sister (in an unseen part of the episode) to persuade her to testify against Denise. However, the sister hates Denise so much that she can't bear to be in the same room as her, so she won't testify. And if that makes sense, then guess what, Fiona's decided that she's not going to testify either as she's been thinking about it and Denise gave her a job, and "trained her up" and sold her the shop. Ken seethes and pulls out his few remaining strands of hair.

Stephen,Don,Sally,Mike,Gail,Janine

Back at Baldwin's sweatshop, Sally's being a busy assistant when a dour extra enters and says "My name is Janine - now that Trash has left the factory and Ida is off sick, I am the only person here you can interact with Sally. Would you like to hear about my Christmas, I didn't speak to my husband all Boxing Day..." "I don't care about your life," Sally snarls, "I'm Mike Baldwin in a pinafore dress. Back to work!" Meanwhile, Mike and Alma are having a conversation about Stephen who is arriving to stir up some more story-line. Alma is still in a bad mood, especially when Mike alludes to her feelings for Stephen.

It's Don's court hearing too, and he loses his driving license, which makes him even more furious and pathetic. However, Mike's denouement is not far off, because at the factory Stephen has arrived and Mike is making business talk to him. In the background Sally is listening to the answer-phone messages which predate all the way back to that indolent little Christmas Eve episode when Don got drunk and locked himself in the garage. Suddenly Don's snarl is heard on the answerphone (or it might be Liz's voice just slowed down a bit). "Baldwin ya bastard, ya theiving swine, I'm gonna get you, I'll see you in hell ya...." but Sally cuts this little love note off before Don can get nasty. Stephen and extra-Janine are aghast with excitement, and although Mike makes light of it, it looks bad for the business.

Stephen can hardly wait to meet up with Gail and Martin and get the real story about Don. Gail puts on her best martyr-smile and says "You see Stephen, over the whole Christmas period Martin and I were, well, Don's keepers!"

Mike is seething with fury over Don's phone message, and remembers the letter that he sent Alma - he pays Don a visit and threatens him with yet another court case if this harrassment does not stop. "You've already taken everything from me," slurs Don. "Do yer worst." The pair start screaming at each other, only for Stephen to appear standing in the doorway of the Rovers having heard every word of the argument. Credits.

Awards

Best new character: Janine. Who cares about her Boxing Day tribulations? I do. Best exit: Jack's spectacles - it was only a matter of time before they were crunched on the ground by one of Vera's slingbacks.


Wednesday 8 January

A THOUSAND GREETINGS and I hope the first week of 1997 has set a positive tone for you. I would like to extend a special welcome to all those 40 or so newcomers to the Update Email list. You have certainly kept the four of us busy over the last few days, updating our files!

Tonight, one of the most famous icons of British TV was nowhere to be seen. I refer to the infamous Duckworth spectacles, which had long since ceased to be amusing, in my humble opinion. Emily had put a charity box for unwanted specs on the bar on Sunday night. Now, Coronation Street seems to take place in real time, doesn't it? Well, by Monday evening there were at least a hundred pairs of discarded glasses in there! Either the good people of Weatherfield had been secretly hoarding their unwanted specs, and just dying for an opportunity to ditch them, or the props department were getting over enthusiastic, and stretching credibility somewhat.

We start in the back room of the pub, where Jack is peering (myopically?) at the morning newspaper, without the famous glasses. Vera is saying how sorry she is that Tricia and Jamie have gone. Jack reaches for his walking stick and goes off to see Don. As he leaves, Vera reminds him of the optician's appointment, and tell him to get a strong pair. The purpose of the visit to Don is to offer to buy his share in the ill-fated nag Betty's Hot Shot. At first Don refuses, as it smacks of charity. They begin to haggle in reverse over the price. Don wants £50. Jack offers £350 (the original share) and they meet somewhere in the middle at £150. Both parties are satisfied, and later Jack shows Vera that he is writing the cheque, so to avoid any future recrimination from her. She takes his charitable act as a precedent, and plans to go and see Tricia, but her intentions are not made clear to us yet.

At the flats, Tricia tells Deidre it was obvious that she had outstayed her welcome at the pub, and then Roy comes down the stairs,on his way to discard the most pathetic, sad looking little Christmas tree you've ever seen! I've seen mould on bread with more foliage! (I was out today and I saw a sign directing people to a Christmas Tree Re-cycling point. What on earth does that mean? Do they plant them, and then you get the same one back next year..do they chip them down to make MFI furniture? I'd really like to know.)

In the pub, Deidre tells Emily the latest gossip about Kramer vs Kramer, and she says she rather hopes that Ken will not get custody of the Barlow sproglet, as it could involve her as some sort of surrogate mother, if she and Ken rekindle the old fires on a more permanent basis.

We are then treated to our first glimpse of Jack's new glasses, which, according to Vera, make him look better. Not younger, not sexier...but better. Sorry, Jacko. Still in the pub, Alan is only a few minutes late for his meeting with Fiona. Maxine has been keeping her company until his arrival. Fiona asks Maxine if she can take over the first hair appointment of the afternoon because carnality is beckoning.

Samantha is still having trouble with the beast which throbs between her leather clad thighs. Gary helps in this department as best he can, but she is still not satisfied. Later Jim ambles up, celtic twinkle in his eye, under cover of darkness by this time, and his experience, together with the right equipment, puts the matter to rights once and for all. Remember, it was once his beast! Samantha is clearly happy and relieved, and later offers to buy him a drink, which he hastily declines and leaves the pub.

In the cafe, Audrey is bemoaning the fact that Alf's membership of the Square Dealers failed to get him off a £200 fine, and being banned from driving, pending another test. She points to other towns and cities where sleaze and secret handshakes are the order of the day, and complains that Weatherfield is way behind the times in this regard! Alf is singularly unimpressed and orders a custard slice and a cup of tea.

Baldwin comes in and tells Alma to inform him if Don makes any further contact. He adds that Don needs shooting. Later in the factory, Stephen takes a call from Alma on his mobile phone. She wants to see him, so they meet later in the pub. She says she wants to be "just good friends" with him, and he agrees, but then she suddenly accuses him of patronising her, of which he is clearly innocent, I'd say. Don comes up to Alma and apologises for sending the poison pen letter a few days ago. Stephen hears all this, of course, and it serves to add to his feeling that perhaps Baldwin might not be the right man to continue to handle the KBEC manufacturing contract after all. Non UK viewers might like to watch for Alma's body language when she talks to Stephen. Her hands are in her lap, and her right hand is covering up her wedding ring. A nice little touch on somebody's part, if it was deliberate.

Anne sees fit to tell Andy about how she kissed and cuddled with Curly the night before he pretended to leave for his great adventure. His round the world journey lasted about as long as Richard Branson's round- the-world balloon journey this week in Marrakesh. I had a balloon trip a few years ago. Cost 100 quid...lasted a bl**dy sight longer than Branson's, and his cost about 2 million! Heavens above, Branson...I've made love for longer than you spent off the ground! (Can't remember when, but I MUST HAVE AT SOME TIME!) Anyway, Andy takes Curly's side in all this, and thinks it very unfair that she should want to chuck him out because of her making a fool of herself. They have a little tiff and Andy flounces out to the pub. She has been getting on his nerves by picking on little things he's doing, but his patience does him credit. I'd be surprised if their relationship outlasts the month!

That's yer lot.

Good night and I love you all.

PS. I MUST tell you, I nearly forgot....I was in the Job Centre this afternoon, seeing if there were any vacancies in the local Christmas Tree Re-cycling industry, when who should I see in there, checking out the job cards on the wall, but a well-known ex-stationery salesman. You could have knocked me down with a paper-clip!


Friday 10 January

House: It is Saturday morning, Anne is about to leave for work. Curly offers to swap days off with her so she and Andy can spend more time together, but she ungraciously declines. Andy comes down and Curly tells him Anne didn't want to take the day off. Andy says he thinks Anne is embarrassed by him.

Flat: Mike extracts from Alma the truth about where she was the previous night and who with. He is genial, but Alma is a bit flustered. She defends her right to have a drink with a friend.

Flat: Tricia prepares for Vera's visit by sending RJamie to buy 6 cakes, and turning off the heating in the flat. (N.B. There was a TV set prominently in the corner, but didn't she get rid of her set when the Licence police came after her just after she moved in?)

Shop: Gary teases Jim that after fixing Sam's motorbike he could be "in there". Jim laughs it off, saying he's old enough to be her father. Maureen looks disdainful of the smut, but Gary blames his upbringing. Maureen asks Jim why Sam is still in Curly's house - he says he doesn't know, and he also is mystified by Curly's ability to attract women. Maureen looks innocently.

Rovers: Curly and Andy go for a drink; Sam reiterates that she's going nowhere and Curly isn't coming back. Vera and Judy sympathise over Tricia being pregnant and alone. Vera says Jamie will have to stay at the pub when his mum is in hospital. Sam buys Jim a drink as a thank you, he looks her up and down like a prize cow, thinking no doubt of what Gary said. Curly offers to move out but Andy encourages him to stay as long as he likes. Curly asks if he and Anne are going through a rough patch, but Andy says it is OK and that if it gets too bad he will leave as it isn't as if they are married. Curly's experience has taught him it doesn't matter if you are married, they can still leave.

House: Dreary arrives at Ken's to invite him to hers for a meal that night. He accepts happily.

Rovers: Jim and Gary ogle Samantha. Judy gives Gary a slap and tells him not to talk about her "mate" like that.

House: Denise turns up at Ken's with Daniel. Denise quizzes Dreary as to whether she is living with Ken. Dreary leaves. Denise says Brian is working locally on business and they are in an hotel so she thought she would bring Daniel to see Ken and he can stay the night if Ken wants. Ken is suspicious of her motives, but Denise says she thought he would want it; she's determined to keep Daniel even if it means lying to the court but she wants to co-operate with Ken over Daniel's future. Ken says he won't give up the fight. Denise arranges to collect Daniel on Sunday.

Flat: Vera falls for Tricia's sob story that she can't afford the heating on all day. Vera has to put her coat back on due to the cold.

House: Dreary comes back to find out what's going on. Ken suggests she come round to him but Dreary says no. Ken tells her Denise is trying to get him to drop the case, Dreary says he should consider it. He's adamant.

Flat: Vera invites Trish to move back to the pub until the baby is born. Trish says she overheard Jack talking about her, so she can't. Vera says he didn't mean it. They agree Vera had better sort it out with Jack first.

Flat: Alma and Mike agree they will have a nice night together without mentioning Stephen Reid; just then the phone rings and who should it be? Mike is forced to agree to see him later at the flat.

Rovers: Vera nags Jack into letting Tricia and Jamie move back in. He wonders whether it will be a permanent responsibility.

House: Anne gets home crotchety after a hard day. She goes up for a bath. Curly decides to make himself scarce in case Andy wants to scrub her back.

Rovers: Roy is at the bar with Alf, Audrey comes to pick Alf up but since she can't drink doesn't want to stay. Curly asks Roy if there are any flats free - Roy doesn't know. As if in answer to his prayers, in come Vera, Trish and Jamie with all their belongings. Jack reassures Tricia it is OK for them to stay.

Flat: Stephen delivers to Mike the news that in view of his involvement with Don Brennan and the possible adverse publicity, KBEC is terminating the contract with Mike's company. Mike looks devastated. Credits.

Best line:
Jack to Curly and Roy after telling Trish he was happy to have them living in the pub "When you've been lying all your life it comes as second nature."

Helen


Sunday 12 January

We start tonight's episode with a visit to Jack &Vera's back room. There's no tea in the pot for Jack because Vera, Trish and Jamie have drunk it all. Jack grumbles a bit, but his heart isn't really in it today. Actually, he is worried about Vera. "Don't get your hopes up too high love", he says. "As soon as it suits her she'll be off, taking your grandchild with her. You're expecting too much, you'll only get hurt". Vera suddenly looks very forlorn.

Meanwhile Mike is trying to phone up Stephen. He doesn't believe that he's been told the true reason for loosing the Kbec contract. In the end he goes over to the hotel and collars Stephen there. Mike thinks Stephen is trying to avoid him, but actually, Stephen switches his cell phone off on Sundays. He orders a mineral water for himself and a scotch for Mike, but despite his genial exterior, he is uncompromising. "Why cancel a contract over something that wasn't even in the papers?" asks Mike. But Stephen says it has the potential to be embarrassing, and besides, he can't do business with someone who drove his half sister's ex step-father-in-law to bankruptcy. Mike still can't believe it, and blames Alma. Of course, Stephen denies it, but then he would, wouldn't he? After failing to convince Stephen that he is worth doing business with, Mike spends the rest of the day chasing around all his contacts, trying for more work. At last, late at night and worn out, he drags himself back home to Alma and tells her that she has caused all the trouble and that, unless something turns up they'll both loose everything.

Meanwhile things are hotting up for Fiona. Alan and she were up late playing Trivial Pursuit or something last night and, worn out, they stagger over to the Rover's for brunch. Alan asks her to keep next Wednesday night free. At first Fiona is a bit worried he will stand her up because of his job, but he reassures her that this is one date he won't miss.

Audrey and Alf argue their way in. Audrey's latest concern is that Alf's habit of driving through orange lights might cause him to fail his driving test. "I'm not spending the rest of my life chauffeuring you around" she says. Her nagging has upset Alf so much that he has started driving through red lights and stopping at the green lights.

Meantime, across the road, Becky has locked herself out of the house and the Wilton's are away. She is so cold she is shivering. Ashley advises her to break in but, on balance, decides that he will look after her instead. Becky is pleased to hear that Ashley has finished with Kelly and they settle down to an afternoon of lager and Schwarzenegger.

The soundtrack of the video consists of nothing but the squeal of tyres, the sound of gunfire and explosions. Becky is not interested in it. "Squeamish"? asks Ashley. Becky is half sloshed but manages to slur out "No, vegetarian". "That's bad luck" quips Ash and suggests that they play poker instead of watching Arnie.

Becky is so pickled even Ashley notices. "It's all right", says Becky, "Me mam lets me drink lager all the time". She picks up a can in each hand and gives them a little hug to emphasise what a cosy relationship she and lager have.

Just next door Ken and Denise are fencing with each other over Daniel. Denise's plan is that Ken should drop the court case; in return she will let him drive up to Scotland to see Daniel as much as he likes, maybe even twice a month. Ken's response is as innovative as we might expect from someone of his intellect. It consists of Denise dropping her court case; in return he will let her drive down from Scotland to see Daniel as much as she likes, maybe even twice a month. "I'm going to win the court case anyway" says Denise, "and when I do, I could make things very difficult for you". "Are you threatening me"? asks Ken. Denise merely responds that she is simply outlining what she could do, but because she is such a nice person she won't. But she all the same, she wants him to know that she could.

But what you all want to know is how Curly is getting on. Well, our hero is up and about bright and early and goes in to the corner shop to buy some food. He is making Sunday lunch. "Why don't you come and live with us"? asks Maude, "we've got a spare room". Curly says he wants a place to himself. "Well what about the upstairs flat"? says Maude. Curly and Maurine manage to squirm out of that one too, although it is a close call. How long will it be before Maude figures out what happened I wonder.

At Anne's place Curly is as chipper and cheerful as a little squirrel. Since his personality transplant failed last month, he has lost every social grace he ever had and now believes that by being cheerful he can make everything all right. Anne comes down stairs late, because there's "no reason to get up". She can't understand why Andy isn't jealous of Curly. "Don't you care that I told him I liked him"? she asks. "I'd prefer not to know" says Andy. An argument starts and Andy walks out to clean his car or something.

Curly thinks Andy hates him for compromising Anne, but Anne thinks Curly hates her for compromising Curly. Actually, as Andy says when Curly comes out to talk to him, "I couldn't care less. It's made me realise I don't know why I'm here in the first place". It seems that Anne's rules have got our Andy down; the washing up rota, the rent book, the ironed underwear. "I resort to cleaning me car, just to get out of the house".

The tension in the Malone household is palpable; the dinner untouched on the plates, Curly and Anne sitting at opposite ends of the coach watching a quiz show on TV, when Andy comes into the room. "I'm moving out" he says. "It's not Curly's fault it's mine . . . and yours". And so he leaves, without ever really trying to explain why. Anne pauses long enough to thump Curly and dashes after him screeching "Andy, Andy" in her best Sybil Fawlty voice.

Curly seems to contract into himself somehow. He becomes a small hunchbacked figure. On the TV the announcer asks "now for three points, who was the girlfriend of Quasimodo"?

another Kevin
Corro ad infinitum


Monday 14 January

Ann/Andy/Curly/Jim/Maureen/Bill

Andy has moved back in with Jim, who is an old hand himself at broken relationships, so he now has his hands full as counsellor to both his son, and Bill Webster. Jim urges Bill to "get back with Maureen", and as it is Maureen's birthday, this presents an opportunity. Bill spends the whole episode on the verge of hysteria - and when he finds out that Curly has replaced Andy as the person who wears the frilly pinny in Ann's house, he starts to seethe with fury and asks Andy to knock Curly about.

Meanwhile, at Chez Hilter, Ann is preparing to go to work and Curly suggests that he move out so Andy can move back in. Ann is having none of it though, and makes some marked references to Andy's bedroom habits. "I bet he didn't do anything like that when he lived with you," she says - making a rare acknowledgement to homosexuality - but don't worry because she's only talking about crumbs in the bed so we can all sigh in relief.

Back at the Rovers, Andy tells Jim and Bill that he has had enough of Ann - "Her and that toilet brush are inseparable" he says knowingly. Jim is determined to help Bill patch things up with Maureen - perhaps the police should be informed that he is trying to act as arbitrator in this situation? Anyway, he advises Bill to get a shower (pronounced "shure") and a shave and go and see Maureen.

Bill's meeting with Maureen does not go very well as Bill is still unable to "get his head round her fling with Curly." (I don't blame him - I'm unable to "get my head round" most things since Liz McDonald became the victim of an obsessive convict.) Maureen tells him that she was to blame, so Bill tells her that Curly is no innocent as he has "shacked up with a younger woman" (i.e. Ann.) For some reason this makes Maureen throw him out.

Meanwhile, Ann is having a compulsive cleaning marathon, complaining about how Andy was so dirty and left stains everywhere. Curly talks about leaving again, but then Ann whips out her rent book and makes him sign it, thus binding her to him forever (but not before putting a placemat down under the book so it doesn't mark the table).

Ashley/Becky

Spare a thought for poor Becky - faced with the same ugly mugs every day she has developed a crush on Ashley and asks him to sign her "autograph book". Ashley obliges, although wonders why there are no other names in the book. "He were going to write "with love", but I told him not to," Becky tells Lauren. We are treated to Ashely's signature. Unsurprisingly it is a childish scrawl.

Trash/Vera/Ken/Sam

Someone's been having top-up sessions on the sun-bed - I swear I had to turn the colour setting on my television all the way down because Radioactive-Girl Samantha's orange skin was starting to give me a headache. Samatha's moping around, wondering if she's ever going to get a decent story-line before she's axed from the show when Trash appears and tells her to "get scrubbing" the counters. Sam is furious and complains to Vera. "I demand an apology," she says. And later on she repeats it again, just to show she means business.

Meanwhile, Ken is chatting to his new best friend Vera, who is sympathising about Daniel being taken away. "I went through the same thing with R Tommy," says Vera sagely. She then turns the topic to Trash, and notes "If Jack and me can't teach her some dignity, who can?" leaving Ken to pull that "What? What? What?" face.

In case you were losing sleep over it, Sam gets her apology from Trash, and the two girls embrace and are suddenly "gal pals". Sam even manages a choked little compliment. "That colour suits you."

Alma/Gail/Roy/Stephen/Mike

Alma is in a foul mood so woebetide Gail and Roy who have to work with her. A scene between G + R follows, which I must confess, didn't make any sense to me whatsoever. First, Roy starts talking about needing more pasta dishes, then Percy, then the advanced setting on the toaster, and then long distance lorry drivers. Meanwhile Alma spits glass in the background.

Gail tries to offer her support, but Alma senses that she is being nosy, and refuses to tell her what is wrong. Roy tries talking to Mike, who just gets up and walks away from him as if he doesn't exist.

Finally, Alma puts on some red clothes and meets Stephen somewhere posh. She tries to persuade him to change his mind about KBEC pulling out of Mike's factory. Stephen goes a bit strange and tells Alma that she secretly enjoys seeing him crush Mike. Alma denies it. Stephen says "tell me if I invited you up to my room now you'd turn me down." Alma immediately gets up and walks away - presumably to get the elevator and order two egg butties for breakfast. Credits.

Awards:

Best line: Trash demonstrates that she has no empathy skills when she tells Alma she is moving out of the flat, and Alma is rude to her: "She's dead sweet, that one."

Ugliest prop: The horrible grey wallpaper in the salon.

Glamour Tiara: Vera was showing off in a spangly swishy silver and black diamante costume. She looked like she should have been cracking a whip and shouting at lions in it.

Scary Fact. Claire said "Nurr" in this episode. Is it contagious??

Paul Baker


Wednesday 15 January

A THOUSAND GREETINGS and I hope you've had a good week. Since the last Wednesday update, Coronation Street fans the world over have said goodbye to Jill Summers, who played Phyllis. I can't imagine another actress who could have done a better job. I am happy to dedicate tonight's update to her.

Before I start, I must tell you I took part in a radio phone-in for the first time, this morning. The subject was 'cryonics' where people pay enormous sums of money to have their body deep-frozen, in the hopes that it can be restored to life when future technology allows. I rang the programme and spoke to the director of one of these places. Clients are referred to as patients, and you don't have to have your whole body done, if money is tight! I asked him about cost, but unfortunately the show was running out of time so I was invited to speak to him off-air. He told me it's £100,000 for the whole body, but some people just have the head frozen, which comes in at a bargain price of £22,000. A snip! I asked if they have anything cheaper. He asked me which part I had in mind. We did a deal at 17 quid, if I supply the appropriate Tupperware!

Here is the update for the UK episode shown on 15.1.97 and it contained two GTM's. (Genuinely Tender Moments)

We begin outside The Rovers with an ultra-close up of a skip being delivered. I wondered if this could have anything to do with the renovation work at the salon, but halfway through the episode, we see this cannot be the case, as Bill is seen to shoulder the entire rubble accrued from the job, and sling it over his shoulder in a plastic bag!

In the shake of a lamb's tail (that's the first and last time in my life I shall use that expression) we see Mr and Mrs Baldwin talking about Alma's meeting with Stephen. She tells Mike that Stephen mortally humiliated her by alleging that she would gladly go up to his room with him if he were to ask.

She informs Mike that she hates and despises the Canuck now. Mike is very pleased to hear this, and GTM No1 happens, as he holds her, and tells how important she is to him. As he leaves, he even gives her one of his chirpy Cockney barrow-boy-style winks, which I thought was going a little too far in terms of demonstrable affection.

In the Rovers, Jim dispenses unsolicited advice to Bill, saying that forgive and forget might be just the ticket where Maureen/Curly are concerned. He adds that it's easy to forgive, but harder to forget.

Bill is wearing a sweater which used to belong to me, I swear! My mother gives me one of those sweaters every Christmas, and every five years or so, I have a controlled cull of festive knitwear, and give most of them to the charity shop. It was great to see someone getting some use out of one of them!

Bill takes Jim's advice, and goes to see Maureen to make a date, in the hopes that they can "make a chart with a green snake". Yes, I know, I thought that was somewhat unusual too, so I played the tape back later, and they are, in fact, going to make a start with a clean slate. The bloke in the pub who sold me that damned TV said that sets made in Afghanistan are state-of-the-art. I'll have him. I'll give him bl**dy NICAM Digital Stereo!

Bill, whilst grafting in the salon, almost bursts a blood vessel when Curly arrives, wondering about the prospects of having his hair cut. Alan calls to check that Fiona is still okay for their date at an Italian restaurant at 8.00. She has heard bad reports about the place, and asks him to take her elsewhere. He won't be moved.

When he's gone, she tells Maxine that she intends to get some home- truths out of him, principally his marital status. Later during their meal, (the place didn't LOOK too bad, I must say) Alan is talking to her, and confirming his bachelorhood, etc, when it becomes clear that his attention is concentrated on the other side of the room. He slips away to make a phone call, much to Fiona's annoyance.

A few moments later, two uniformed officers arrive. Alan points out their target, and the Old Bill grab another diner as he attempts to leg it! The man's offence is clear to see. Yes, it's a personal freshness violation, in contravention of The Underarm Wetness and Corporeal Sanitisation (Young Persons) Act 1973. Alan is under the impression that he might have been turning over Building Societies, too. It seems he's been on the run from the law for three months. Probably all that running caused the underarm wetness? So Chummy is safely banged up down the nick, and later Alan warns Fiona that The Job should be regarded as The Demanding Other Woman in their relationship.

Stephen has lunch at the pub with Audrey. He offers her the menu. The menu? Who are they kidding? Everyone in the world knows you can only get Hot Pot there! Okay, maybe a sandwich and a packet of Pork Scratchings, but hell...a menu! Behind Vera's head, I strained to read Today's Specials chalked on a blackboard. Once again, my 50 quid Afghan TV set wasn't quite up to the task.

Anyway, he tells her that he has taken the KBEC contract away from Baldwin, and also tells her that Alma had begged him to reconsider. He hints heavily at Alma offering sexual favours to get the work reinstated. What a toad! Audrey later flounces into the cafe where she is served by Roy, who is resplendent in one of my old Christmas sweatshirts! Audrey tells Gail all the KBEC gossip, and Alma beats a retreat, but not before she has a bit of a slanging match with Audrey, during which Alma calls Stephen "a nasty little scheming coward". Audrey calls her a "woman scorned".

In the factory, Baldwin tells Sally that they shouldn't be concentrating too much on the KBEC contract, but diversifying, and the sooner the better. She wonders if everything is okay, and he chooses not to tell her the truth. It's one of those things he won't be able to hide for long!

Bill duly meets Maureen in the pub. They get the drinks and go to sit down. Have you noticed that when people sit down in that pub, they ALWAYS choose the same table? They have the whole place to choose from, but where do they sit? Yes, the same old place. Anyway, we then witness GTM No.2, where they go through a touching little routine of introducing themselves to each other, (making a chart with a green snake) and we're encouraged to hope that this time, it'll last.

Anne prepares a nice evening meal for Curly, and looks at him all dough- eyed. She tells him how much better he is than Andy. She even tells him to help himself to red wine! Steady, girl! Offering red wine to Curly can only end up in one thing! He refuses without hesitation. Perhaps she was aroused into a lather of expectant lust-froth when they arrived together at the pub earlier, and Curly remarked that they had "only come in for a quick one!"

I'm off downstairs now, having wrapped up another load of old Wednesday Update tosh. I'll open a bottle of Mongolian Red (from the same bloke in the pub) and ask Maggie if we can make a chart with a green snake, and...you never know...it may lead to GTM No3!!

That's yer lot.

Good night and I love you all!


Friday 17 January

I bring you this update a year older than last week, (I was 33 on Wednesday), but no wiser. Tonight's episode contained some notable highlights for Roy Cropper fans, and the answer to ponderings on Fred's drink which has been a long-running thread in the RATUCS newsgroup. Apologies, therefore to those who a) are not devotees of Sir Royston, and b) don't read the newsgroup so have no idea what I'm talking about. Enough, on with the events of the episode.

Street: Becky dawdles in order to exchange a greeting with Ashley - she is smitten. She tells Lauren she's on a mission to convert Ashley to vegetarianism - some hopes, as he is a butcher! Fiona tells Maxine she is happy with Alan's reassurances that he is not married. Maxine is sceptical, (and she really has got incredibly thin legs).

Garage: Tony tells Kevin he worked too hard last week and after next week he is taking 2 weeks holiday. Kevin is furious.

Flat: Mike talks to Alma about his plans to see an old contact, but she is distracted. He tells her to take the day off and offers to phone in sick for her. She says no, she won't give them the change to talk about her behind her back.

House: Ken bores Deirdre with his anxieties over what meal to prepare for Denise, who is due later to discuss 'the future'. Dreary says it isn't her problem.

Cafe: Stephen has come in to say goodbye to Gail as he's off to London for a few days. She wants to make him some sandwiches (we in the South East don't have proper food, obviously) evidently he has also come to see Alma, but has to get the train and can't wait. Stephen feels bad that he's made things awkward for Gail. He then makes some remark about him being in trouble if he doesn't find an alternative supplier. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought he had already given the impression the other day that the work was going to Thailand or similar?

Factory: Mike tells Sally they lost the KBEC contract; she says rumours were all over the factory, and he should make an announcement to the workers.

Cafe: Roy arrives - Gail had called him in to cover for Alma. He gets out his yellow rubber gloves - viewers tense in anticipation - yes, he blows one out, Gail chuckles. She and Fiona have some inconsequential chat in the foreground, while we watch Roy, and yes, he blows the other glove out. (The look on Helen Worth's face - I'd swear something funny happened during filming.) Alma arrives, Roy is worried that he's superfluous, but Gail angrily tells Alma that she should have let her know she would be late.

Rovers: Vera gets excited when she finds out Betty's Hotshot is racing today. Don asks Jack if it's worth a bet, he says not a hope. Vera looks in the paper and asks Jack what 'poofoo' is, he has to explain it is the horse's form: pulled up, nought, nought, fell, nought, nought. Don says it would be just his luck if it wins. They go out the back to watch it on telly, leaving Trish in charge; she helps herself to nuts and sits down. Kevin and Tony have a row; Kev wants to build up the garage business, Tony wants his holiday. The race is on TV, the horse starts nowhere and works its way up through the field. Don starts moaning that he'll regret selling his share to Jack if it wins. Tricia arrives to cheer it on. It wins by a neck. Don huffs indignantly.

Factory: Mike tells the workforce they have lost the KBEC contract. He remains upbeat, saying the business can recover from such a setback.

Rovers: Don blames Jack, as he didn't bet on the horse as Jack said it was no good. Jack retorts he tried to do Don a favour, help him out. Vera and Tricia plan how they will spend the winnings, but Jack informs them their share will not be as much as they thought.

House: Ken resolved his dilemma by eating before Denise arrived and not offering her any. He says he is not happy with some aspects of the 'deal' that she and Brian have come up with. She says circumstances change, and she wants what is best for Daniel. Ken cynically remarks she said that when she left Daniel with him.

Rovers: Jack is fed up about Don moaning that he didn't have a bet at 20-1. Sally tells Kevin that Mike's old contacts aren't interested in doing business with Mike. Fred bounds into the pub, shouting that Jack ought to be feeling pleased with his winnings - Des Barnes has been talking. Jack tries to hush Fred up, but Don has overheard, and realises that Jack didn't want anyone else to back the horse as that would drive the price down. Jack says you're obliged to bet on your own horse, but if he thought it would win he wouldn't have backed it each way. The lurking script-writers then solve a newsgroup discussion by Jack angrily turning to Fred and asking 'Scotch - and a THREAT, was it?' Kevin moans to Sally that Tony's attitude is wrong; for someone who wants to run his own business. Vera wants Jack to buy Tricia a baby buggy with the winnings.

Street: Denise leaves Ken's, wanting to shake on the deal. He refuses, he can't forget and won't forgive, and glares balefully after her.

Flat: Mike tells Alma one of his old contacts is bankrupt. He may have to close the factory. He feels he's failed. Alma gives him a cuddle, saying they are in this together. All together - Aahh!

Rovers: (More Roy - non-fans excuse the reporting of every detail here) Roy sits by Don, asks to read Don's paper and insists on paying Don 9p for it. (Whose idea was it to give Roy a ladies' purse?) Says by this time he is usually at home, and gives us another piece of trivia - his flat is No 6, Crimea Flats, but after the day he's had needs a drink: half a pint of shandy. Don is about to leave when Roy starts talking about Alma and Audrey falling out. Don is all ears as Roy spills the beans on Stephen trying to put Mike out of business 'according to Alma'. Don decides to stay and buy Roy another drink. Vera has a go at Jack for keeping quiet about the bet, so he has to agree to buy the buggy for Tricia and a coat for Vera. Jack blames Fred, who apologises, and reveals he had bet £50 to win, so got a thousand. Jack says it was a risk, but Fred then drops himself in it by saying Hilary, the trainer, told him the horse was coming good. Jack is furious, as Fred has an obligation to the syndicate, and Jack will call a meeting. Don rounds it off by ordering another drink for him and Roy, as he's just had some 'good news'. Cue evil smirk and credits.

Glamour award: Vera's cymbals hanging from her ears were prominently featured throughout the episode.

Helen


Sunday 19 January

Extract from Fred's diary

I'll not stand for it. I said I'll not stand for it. So far as I know it's still a free country and I'll not be told who I can see and who I can't see. That Jack Duckworth did all right out of it too. Calling a meeting of the syndicate at his pub. Trying to increase his sales, promote his own bottom line, I say. By the time we were finished Billy Williams and Alf were both stewed. It's taking advantage that's what it is, taking advantage.

And suppose I had told them I'd taken the trainer out to lunch, and that she'd told me "Betty's Hotshot" was just coming onto form. Supposing I had told them that and the horse had lost. They'd all be blaming me then wouldn't they? Too right they would!

So now we're all agreed that none of us can go to see Hillary without everyone else being present. Well, they think they've marked me card, they say I've learned me lesson. And I have. Next time I go and see her, I'll keep me mouth shut about it.

Extract from Sally's diary

Kevin's really worried about money lately. Even little Rosie noticed he's been cross. First Tony letting him down by taking time off work, now it looks as if I'm going to loose my job too. I sent him out to the Rover's to get a bit of peace and quiet, and as soon as he gets there he has an argument with Don Brennan, who's just in celebrating about selling his car. I feel sorry for Don really, but expecting Kevin to be pleased about Mike's problems with Kbec is a bit much.

Later, I saw Audrey Roberts going into Gail's house and I went across to see if she knew why Stephen had cancelled the contract. She gives herself such airs, that woman; even seems to be pleased that her son has the power to ruin so many people's lives around here. Anyroad, she starts off by saying how Stephen feels let down by Mike. That's stretching it a bit far. When I pointed out that it was Stephen as let Mike down, she just says "What would you know Sally? You're not top management, you're out of your depth". Then she says, to me to keep quiet because "It's not wise to go 'round spreading false rumours". From Audrey Roberts, the mouth of Weatherfield! That's a bit much. Actually, despite her airs and graces, she knows nothing.

Gail said that it probably wasn't Stephen's decision to pull out of the contract and Audrey agreed. But I suppose, they just don't want to believe that their precious Stephen goes around throwing hundreds of people on the scrap heap whenever he feels like it. It was a complete waste of time asking them.

Extract from Mike's diary

Well, that's how it is eh? It's very interesting, but what do I do about it. So far as I can see, Kbec have cancelled at least half of their contracts. Oh yes, people dress up the facts, but I speak their language. "I've decided not to rely on Kbec" they say. But it really means, they can't rely on Kbec. And all for piffling little reasons; Don Brennan, "Financial Irregularities", what ever that means, "Health and Safety", none of them make any sense. Sure any one of us could contest the decision to break the contract, but none of us can afford to. But I wonder what Kbec are up to. Are they pulling out of this country altogether? And even if I knew what they are up to, what can I do about it?

Extract from Curly's diary

You know what is really funny? For years I have been trying to get women to notice me, and never any luck. And now one does, I run a mile. Is it me or her? Anyway, at least now I can have a beer with Andy without him spending the whole time being sarcastic about me and Anne. He says he doesn't blame me for causing things to fall apart between them, but he must do. Why else would he keep on going on about it? He's the best mate I've got. I don't want to talk about Anne every time I see him.

The thing that tipped me over was the visit by Anne's parents at lunch time today. Anne's dad was full of questions, "Was I getting divorced?", "was this going to be a steady thing now?" and so on. They didn't seem to mind, but it was obvious they thought Anne and I were living together. They invited us over to their place next Sunday. How cosy, how stifling.

God knows, I tried to talk about it with Anne. I don't want to hurt her feelings. But she just doesn't listen. After they had gone I tried to make it clear that I wanted things to be strictly platonic. But she came up with some fantasy story about how, just as I was about to go away forever, we opened our hearts to each other because we thought we'd never meet again. But then "fate" took a hand, she says, and brought me back.

I knew then that she'd never see reason. She doesn't even hear what I say. And it's not that I don't find her attractive, I do. Any man would. But that's just it, if I stay at her house, sooner or later, I'll take advantage of her infatuation. And that will only make things 1000 times worse. I could never love her and it just wouldn't be fair.

So I left. And I'm convinced that, if I hadn't gone, the time would come when she would look back on today and wish that I had. Now I'm on me way back to my house. I'll tell Samantha that Anne threw me out, though drove me out would be a better way of putting it.

another Kevin

Veni Vidi Corrie


Monday 20 January

As I am in Japan and sans Coronation Street, my sister Helen (21, impish, scarily high IQ) has reluctantly agreed to understudy for me for the next two weeks. The last time she wrote a letter for my father he was nearly sacked as a result. Read on...

Curly is fiddling with his zip (the Granada-Decency-Council hope), hair worse than ever, (though for Curly 'morning hair' means 'all-day' and indeed 'all-decade' hair). Samantha strutts in like some nuclear superwoman complete with blaring red top. She tells him to hop it (they are in Curly's main room). Curly pleads to be allowed to stay, eventually admitting he is being stalked by Anne Malone. Two scenes later, and they have agreed on a deal. Curly can stay but Samantha gets the best bedroom, a lock on the bathroom door, and Curly's absence whenever she wants to entertain.

Emily/Ken/Deidre

Emily asks Ken when the tug-of-tot case is. He curtly replies that there will be no court case. Later - at the Rovers - Emily tells Deidre she doesn't think that they (ie. Deidre) gave Ken enough support. Suddenly it is apparent that Samantha's colour is catching: Emily is drinking a tomato juice which matches Deidre's frames and coat. I feel slightly dizzy. Deidre gets a close-up (cf. Gail in the final scene.)

Maxine pseudo-cruises Ashley in order to get him to agree to be her hairdressing model. Despite fearing 'pansification' (the becoming of a pansy), he is pitifully easily won over. What would Becky's autograph book think?

Back to Curly and Anne. Curly follows Anne around the supermarket. Anne believes his reluctance to share her Jif Mousse stems from the fact he had a bad experience with Racquel. Later, Anne follows Curly around the supermarket accusing him of fancying Samantha.

Roy

Poor Roy is stuck in the middle of a frosty pair in the cafe: Gail and Alma. He calculates the mathematical consequences of their silence (with visual pie charts and percentage bar charts), namely that the average customer is staying for approx. five minutes less than usual. The ice is broken but Alma reminds Gail that Stephen has the ability to ruin her through Mike.

Rovers

Sean arranges to go hill-walking with Samantha. Kevin, obviously resentful at having to cling on to the coat-tails of Sally's KBEC plot, takes it out on Tony.

Anne, in her latest mental breakdown adventure, complains to Eric Firman that Curly has been sexually harrassing her. Eric believes her and disturbingly gives Curly a break to get to recover (from Raquel's leaving). Later, Anne storms into the pub, accuses Curly of liking barmaids and threatens to expose his past of sexual harrassment at Bettabuys. She also threatens Samantha, though it is unclear with what. Bleach perhaps? Mr Judy Mallet is the second to speculate upon the relationship between C & S. He is justified for once, though, as he had overheard a conversation about Samantha's lost black knickers.

The final scene involves a family gathering (Stephen, Gail, Martin, Alf and Audrey - no Sarah-Louise thank god) and an intruder (for once it is Mike rather than Don). Mike accuses Stephen of dumping British firms and getting stuff cheaper elsewhere. Gail gets a close-up, her poor camel face suddenly realising that Stephen may indeed be the next victim of the personality transformation bug sweeping the street. (Denise and Anne are both hopeless cases of the very disease.) Stephen calls Mike 'small-fry' and tells Gail to get the dinner ready.

Moral: ruthless Canadian KBECians still eat casseroles.

Helen Baker


Wednesday 22 January

A THOUSAND GREETINGS and I hope you've had a super week. For me it's been pretty normal; been to work, came home, out to a restaurant, took my son to the dentist, oh, and I was abducted by aliens AGAIN. Getting a bit fed up with it now, I can tell you. You know how it is, three, four or even five times I can understand, but it's getting beyond a joke. Previous times, they have performed micro-radionic ectoplasmic surgery on me; scrutinised some of my most favourite organs and replaced them without any incision marks. Fair enough, fair enough, I can live with that. Then there have been other times when they have scanned my brain waves or removed various bodily fluids, or the time I was forced to impregnate their queen. She resembled a giant green slippery rolled- up duvet, so I didn't regard that as worthy of a notch on the bedpost when I got home.

But at least I am comforted by the thought of millions of little slippery duvet space-cadets on a far distant planet which all have my ears! That's another thing, advanced as they are, they're a bit lax about getting you back to the time and place where they found you. Once I was returned to the tent of an itinerant goat-herd in Tibet....in the year 1905. I was miffed, and I jolly well told them so on the very next abduction!

The time before last, I stayed longer than usual. In fact we had a few drinks and I actually got them singing the Coronation Street theme tune. They lapped it up! They don't get too much culture. When I say singing, in fact their voices warble faintly from a triangular hole in their lower abdomen.

So next time you're abducted, and things are a bit quiet in the space ship while you're waiting to part with your bodily fluids, whistle the Corrie theme tune, and before you know it, the Royal Duvet will be putty in your hands!

Here is the update:

We begin tonight with Deidre watching Ken as he finalises his dressing for school. He is still banging on about Daniel as he knots his tie. She tells him that she understands how much it hurts, having to capitulate over the sproglet, and that maybe he should accept it and move on. He still muses to himself, wondering if he's done the right thing. She reminds him that when she lost her beloved 18-year-old Moroccan (or whatever he was) there was no question of reasonable access. Ken looks suitably chastened.

Later at Weatherfield Comprehensive, Ken is working late, and his boss, Mrs Jeffers comes in. He grabs yet another chance to witter on about Daniel. Probably to shut him up, she lures him into her office with the promise of sharing a bottle of extra-curricular cognac. Obviously she is impervious to alcohol as she later drives him home. We see her carrying a tray of tea things in from the kitchen, as he sits on the sofa. Incapable of driving he may be, but it doesn't show. When his guard is down, she drops the threat of imminent redundancies into the conversation. Is she getting back at him for spurning her a few months ago? We'll never know, but she tells him no names have been mentioned so far, but they have to make cuts in the wage bill, probably to finance the installation of another condom machine in the boys' toilets I shouldn't wonder.

Just at the very moment she reaches out a friendly arm and touches him on the shoulder, who do you think should walk in, but Deidre. She is wearing a rather natty tartan scarf. Seasoned viewers will know that her neck always responds badly to jealousy, but she greets Mrs Jeffers affably enough. No harm done, apparently.

Curly and Samantha are having breakfast, which he has prepared. She approves of the eggs and he recalls how Raquel liked their "wobble factor". Nuff said. He gets a bit misty-eyed and she tells him that you have to move on. She hints at failed relationships in her own past.

Alma and Mike are discussing the business crisis and he hits on the idea of making counterfeit KBEC goods and selling them direct. Alma is terrified. Mike is excited by the thought of this impudent piracy. He may just try it.....they wouldn't be counterfeit, he tells her, they'd be clones!

Eric Firman comes twice to Curly's house to discuss Anne's hints/allegations about some sort of out-of-hours sexual impropriety on Curly's part. Eric has been looking into Curly's previous record; in particular the sexual harassment incident at Bettabuys. Curly vehemently protests his innocence, saying any accusations from Anne are "all in her peculiar little head" and eventually Eric accepts these reassurances. But he warns that if there is any future blemish in this department, he will be sacked. After all, Firman's supports family values. Quite how Curly's grubby little adventures will affect the sale of mandarin and prawn flavour pizzas is beyond me.

In the pub, Ashley and Tony are together at the bar. Tony is boasting of his charm and makes a half-hearted pass at Samantha. He'll have to do better than that! She gives him the 'knock-back' as they might say in another famous British soap. Ashley brings up the subject of Maxine, as she and her employer are also in the pub. Tony describes her as "a bit 40 watt" which I liked but didn't quite understand. It could be smutty, and this update has a repution for supporting good honest family values, so we'll not dwell on it!

The two girls order their drinks, but Ashley, terribly anxious to impress Maxine, says he will get them in. In the same scene, Curly is telling Andy about Anne being fixated with him. Andy doesn't believe it, and thinks the balance of Curly's mind has been disturbed by the departure of Raquel.

The real substance of tonight's episode takes place between Gail and Alma. In the first scene, Gail and her mother are raking over the events of the previous night, when Mike came in and disrupted the Platt family dinner. Alma arrives and gets involved in a slanging exchange with Audrey, when Audrey calls Mike "a jumped-up East-End barrow boy". (I actually watch EastEnders some times. I only watch it to count the times they say my favourite frequently-repeated lines. These lines are:

1) "....'ere....woss goin' on?"
2) "can yer look after me stall for a minute?"
3) "leave it to me...I'll have a quiet word wiv' 'im". (This translates to "I shall use excessive violence in a sordid quest for ratings, if you think such action would be appropriate".

Any road up....overseas viewers might like to watch out for this scene to see a woolly-hatted kid, motionlessly bent over the gambling machine in the corner of the cafe. Either the kid's long since dead, or has got his anorak cord stuck in the mechanism, and doesn't like to say anything!

So things go from bad to worse for Gail and Alma's friendship, despite the best efforts of arch-peace-broker Roy who tries to pour tea over troubled waters. Gail wants to have it out and clear the air. Have it out they do, but the air is far from clear when they've done. Gail is being loyal to her brother, and Alma is being loyal to Mike, and they dredge up old misdemeanours, with which to hit each other over the head. Gail lunges with a mention of Alma's willingness to bed the two-faced Canuck. Alma parries, saying Gail is a nasty little piece of work, and it's no wonder Nicky de Plank wanted to stay in Canada! They really are at daggers drawn. It looked like it was going to be a case of 'tea- towels at 20 paces'. The damage has been done. Good and proper.

Later Mike comes home to Alma, after a long a fruitless day trying to find new business. The sale of the Crimea Street property is already a foregone conclusion to raise the capital needed to carry on, but he stops short of considering the sale of their flat. Nevertheless, cash must be raised from some source. Then comes the bombshell to end the episode. Alma says she had decided to sell the cafe. She has had enough. Finito.

There were no laughs to be had tonight, except for Maxine being "a bit 40 watt" maybe, but there was some sterling acting from the staff of a certain cafe....all three of them!

That's yer lot.

Good night, and I love you all!

Nigel


Friday 24 January

House: Dreary leaves, having spent the night at Ken's. She is a bit unhappy about finding Ken and the Headmistress together the previous day, and warns him to watch that he doesn't send the wrong signals to Sue.

Street: Becky and Lauren spy on Ashley from Des' car. They deduce from his mail that it is Ashley's birthday, which he confirms to Gary (he is 20). Des drives the girls to school.

Factory: Sally knows Mike will have to lay off workers and is worried for her own job. He says he needs her - at least for the moment. He is hopeful of picking up more orders soon.

Weatherfield Comprehensive School: In the car, in response to Lauren's questions, we find out a little bit more about how Des and Claire got together. She was working on the market stall and Des thought she looked cold and brought her a coffee, which she had to drink even though it had gone cold, as Des hung around talking. Ken stopped Sue Jeffers on her way in and asked for a word in private. Becky found a personal stereo in the car and Des said she could have it. She gave the tape back to Des and he put it on in the car as he drove off. Lauren is as smitten with Des as Becky is with Ashley - who is to be the recipient of the walkman. Ken tries to persuade Sue Jeffers he wants to keep his job. she promises to fight for his post at the meeting next week, but seems more interested in finding out what is going on between him and Deirdre. Ken confirms they are good friends but doesn't reveal any more.

Cafe: Jack has breakfast, and Kevin buys some food to take out from Roy. Jack and Kevin exchange a few friendly words about being your own boss, running a business and taking time off. They leave, as Alma arrives in a business suit. Gail tried to be friendly, but Alma just says she needs to sell her share of the cafe for financial reasons. They sit and discuss it while Roy keeps them supplied with cups of tea. Gail can't believe Alma would sell out after 14 years. Alma gives Gail the option of buying but they both know Gail and Martin can't afford it. They both cry.

Rovers: Ashley has a birthday drink with Gary, but quickly goes to talk to Fiona when she arrives. He wants to know if Maxine will be in, but Fiona says no. Fiona enjoys winding Ashley up over Maxine, saying as well as cutting his hair, she may have to use him as a model to practise manicures, pedicures, body wax and massage. He flees. Des tells Claire he had what felt like a 'birds and bees chat' with Becky, and he wonders if the writers are turning him into a settled down family man. Fiona moans to Jack that Alan has let her down again, but Jack says he doesn't like police in pubs.

Cafe: Gail pays Roy at the end of the day. He nervously asks if he will be needed next week, and Gail says she will let him know. He goes, leaving Gail and Martin. They start snapping at each other as she thinks he is blaming her for all the things which have gone wrong, so she throws back his 'affair' at him.

Street: Roy evidently has had a hard day and needs a drink, so he heads into the Rovers. Ashley is stopped on his doorstep by Becky. She cooks up some story about having found the walkman, and is it his? He says no, but accepts it when she says she doesn't want it. Lauren was hiding behind a nearby car; she thought Becky should have admitted she knew it was his birthday.

Rovers: Sally is pleased she still has a job, but Kevin is preoccupied with his own partnership problems. Roy tells Vera about the cafe sale. Dreary remarks to Roy it is just as well he kept his job at the hotel. He agrees, but says he prefers meeting the people at the cafe. Ken comes in and Dreary asks him what was said with Mrs Jeffers. Alf and Audrey meet Gail and Martin for a family conference. Gail is shocked that Audrey told Stephen, even though he hasn't turned up as arranged. Audrey and Alf are going to Portugal tomorrow.

Flat: Alma answers the door to Stephen. They have a frosty interchange, with Alma reacting aggressively when he implied that she was wrecking his sister's livelihood to get back at him. She ends up slapping him across the face, and he puts his face very close to her. I thought he was going to kiss her, but she cried, he left, and she sobbed in a gibbering heap. How fine the line between hatred and desire.

Shop: Claire gives Fiona an instant cookery lesson, as Alan is coming round after all; Becky and Lauren are in the shop as well. Des comes in with a present for Becky - a new walkman. he bought it because the other one was Lisa's and he wants it back. Becky explains that it is at school and she will get it on Monday.

Flat: Mike arrives, Alma has recovered her composure. Mike is sorry that she has to sell the cafe but there is no other way; he is pleased she has stuck by him. She tells him she now knows that he must do whatever it takes, including counterfeiting if necessary.

Props award: Roy's pink purse featured in a few scenes tonight. Nit-picking question: How can Des have 'forgotten that was in there', meaning the walkman in the glove box, when he has changed his car since Lisa's death?

That's all for this week, Helen


Sunday 26 January

Extract from Tony's diary:

I'm getting sick of Kevin's bossy attitude at work. He expects me to work all Sunday and, if I even want an afternoon off, he goes all superior. "I'll be here until eleven to get all this finished" he says. Well, he shouldn't have booked it in then should he. He may have a family he wants to get away from on the weekends, but I've got a life I want to go and lead.

And he takes it all so personal. I'm prepared to live and let live. If he wants to work, well, let him and I'll do my thing. But no, I have to come up to his expectations or I'm no good. He wasn't even prepared to shake hands as I left today. If that's the way he wants it, fine! He acts like the boss, but he'll have to remember that it is my dad's money that keeps this place afloat.

Extract from Martin's diary

Well, what about that eh? It's a pretty dirty trick, Alma and Mike are taking out their frustration on Gail the way they are. We rely on that cafe to keep us going, and they know it. Mike can't get at Stephen for giving him a hard time, so he picks on Stephen's sister. Well that's typical that is.

So, I went over to the Rover's to give him a piece of my mind. He was there with some suit talking about how he was going to throw everyone out of the flats he owns in Crimea St. Wants to sell them to be rented to students. When the suit left, I had him up about the cafe, and you know what he said eh? Ask Stephen for a loan to buy the place that's all. So it is just about getting at Stephen. I thought it was.

Gail is so worried that she even went and asked Stephen if there was any chance of a loan. I told her not to, but would she listen? Stephen was nice about it and all, but of course he can't afford it. In fact, he even hinted that his job with Kbec is on the line too. He seems to think that Kbec are in financial trouble, well it's nice of them to pass it on to the rest of us.

Extract from Claire's diary

I don't know what to do about Becky's crush on Ashley. She talks about him all the time and the way she "borrowed" Des's tape player to give to him for his birthday is a bit underhanded.

On the other hand, I suppose there was no harm done really. When Des asked for it back she went straight 'round and got it for him. She even owned up to giving it to Ashley in the first place, which she didn't have to do. Still, Fiona tells me that Ashley has his own crush, on Maxine. I have a terrible feeling that it's only going to end in tears for our Becky.

Extract from Sean's diary

My back hurts, my feet hurt, my chest hurts, even my bones hurt, and worst of all, my ego hurts. Ten miles across wind swept and snow covered moorland! No pubs, none that were open anyway. And people say they do it for fun? God! I wouldn't mind betting that she planned it all along just to show me up. Or maybe it is some weird kind of initiation rite. "Two things I admire in people" she says, "stamina and self discipline". I don't think she found much to admire in me.

But then, she's a strange one is Sam. I don't know what to make of her. She seemed to open up a bit when we were out walking, told me a bit about herself. For someone who seems so much in control of her life, she certainly is mixed up. If what she told me is true, she has had a hell of a year. Started out as a student at UMIST, dropped out to get married, dropped out of the marriage after two days and now doesn't even want her husband or parents to know where she is or she is OK. I thought maybe her husband had hit her or something, but no, she says he was just an excuse to drop out of university. Hell of an excuse, and not a nice way to treat people.

So, do I believe her or not? Can she really be as callous as she seems? But then again, why would she lie about it? One thing is for sure, she obviously couldn't care less about other people's feelings. You better be careful here Sean me old son. She's not the kind for committed relationships.

another Kevin

Veni Vidi Corrie


Monday 27 January

Again, my sister is filling in for me. But who taught her how to use the word "cruising" in a sexual sense? That's what I'd like to know. Helen's email address is bakerhs@unix.lancs.ac.uk. She has never received an email from anyone in her life before (hint hint).

Gail and Martin are in the street, discussing Stephen's refusal to bail them out by giving them a loan. Martin remarks that 'not everyone wants a back street cafe' - he was obviously being polite. Meanwhile Sally is worrying whether her job is secure... to think of the trouble one Canadian firm can cause!

Mike drives up to Deidre, who must have mistaken Tracy Barlow's wardrobe for her own. She is wearing a floppy velvet hat, matching dark pink coat and scarf (and frames, of course). Mike pretends not to notice and tells her he may have to sell Crimea Street. He advises her to leave Wetherfield as she has been 'underselling herself' (note the capitalistic language).

At Firman's, Anne is now completely mental and seems to believe her own story about Curly sexually harrassing her. She warns him that she has industrial legislation backing her up when he tries to talk to her. Later, he complains that she has radically altered the duty roster, teams and shifts (whatever they may be), and has overstepped her authority. She primly tells him that Eric supported the changes and Curly is temporarily defeated.

Once again Becky is cruising Ashley. Des teases her, recalling his glory days when every woman fell for him. Becky is not impressed (perhaps she watched earlier episodes), saying 'they were desperate in those days... there were no telly.'

Tony's departure must be looming as his partnership with Kevin is quickly dying. He turns up late for work and refuses to get under a car. Kevin is disgusted and tells him to fix a clutch (or something) - obviously a girly job.

At Baldwin's factory the women - and man - on the shop floor are in suspense over their job security. This is represented by the ponderings of Ida and her extra friend. Sally announces that 'Mr Bawldwin' has something to say. Poor Sally: all the shoulder-pads in Lancashire couldn't give her a powerful presence. Perhaps she should dye her hair red; it worked for Rita and Samantha after all. Mike announces that at least half of the work force must lose their jobs. Ida is convinced that she is among the number and presents a defiant yet sulky front when she is called into Baldwin's office. She is not sacked despite using her sick leave to holiday in Spain with her toy boy. She is speechless until Mike mentions a wage negotiation, then Ida looks like Ida again.

In the cafe, Roy is serving Percy and Emily. Percy criticizes Roy for looking miserable, after all Roy is 'a young man with the world as his oyster'. He refuses to give him a tip (no doubt about 5p anyway). Stephen comes in to say goodbye to Gail. She reassures him there are no hard feelings between them.

Percy is obviously in one of his moods, as he is now in the corner shop arguing with Tony. Becky and Lauren are lurking by the shelves, perhaps wondering what kind of tin soup Ashley prefers, and watching the confrontation. Becky whispers 'they're talking about the war again.' Why is Becky getting all the best lines this episode? Tony finishes the argument (which was about nothing) by being rude to Maud and leaving without buying anything. Kevin witnesses this final strop and is again furious.

Ashley enters to provide a little comic relief with his new Maxine-induced haircut. It is a Trainspotting Sick Boy white-blonde colour, and he is very pleased with himself. Percy calls him a big jessie, but Maud says he reminds her of the Duke of Edinburgh and comments on the softness of his scalp. One part of her speech is undeniable. Becky bites her bottom lip, full of uncontrollable passion.

Samantha receives flowers from Sean, and goes to the bookies to thank him personlly. They agree to see each other again.

In Ken's staffroom, Mrs Jeffers, (the bride of Frankenstein's mother), reminds him that two members of staff must lose their jobs. She promises to remind the governors of the benefits of having experienced (ie. OLD) staff.

Sally has realised that Mike is reusing KBEC designs illegally and is in a moral crisis. Later, in the Rovers, she is still complaining about dismissals, wage cuts, and even when Mike gives Andy a tip. Parading as Robin - to Mike's Batman - she asks if he has a masterplan. She then tells him 'I'm with you'.

Ken has been trying to persuade Deidre to move in with him throughout this episode. She is not entirley convinced, despite him saying he loves her. Her uncertainty is then proved by a brief, but final-scene close up: she appears perplexed, doubtful and worried (ie very Deidre-ish). It's times like this when I wish Samir was back.

Helen Baker


Wednesday 29 January

A THOUSAND GREETINGS and I hope it's been a great week for you.

Me, I have been concentrating hard on improving my mind. I paid scant attention at school, so now I have decided to try to catch up and get some decent, useful facts under my belt. You know the sort of thing....capital of Equador, who won the Cup in 1932; worthwhile facts of that sort. Anyway, below is a short list of the things I have learned this week. Armed with facts like these, it can only be a matter of time before I am invited to swanky, high-society dinner parties, where my sparkling company will be much sought-after:

1) Norwegian teenagers with chronic acne must wear balaclavas when meeting the King.

2) In Germany during World War One it was illegal to make snowmen that resembled The Kaiser.

3) Aardvarks are immune to gamma radiation.

4) According to a recent survey, one in four men on The Isle of Man regularly wear women's underwear to work.

5) Sideburns more than two inches long are illegal in Egypt.

6) 73% of all men who have spontaneously combusted in the last 25 years wore nylon underpants on the day they died.

7) Upon conscription into the Spanish army, tree surgeons are automatically promoted to the rank of corporal.

So, if you're having a posh dining function and some of the guests are prone to be a little...shall we say...DULL, you know where to find me!

Here is the update for the UK episode shown on :

Once again the first scene of the episode includes Ken knotting his tie as he puts on his school uniform. Deidre is in fruitless quest of real coffee. She settles for instant. Could this be a foreboding of compromises to come in their relationship? She seeks ground coffee to remind her of Samir, who used to drink it to remind him of home.

Ken tells her that his offer to move in with him still stands. With a black and white image of Uncle Albert looking sternly over her shoulder, she tells Ken she is still unsure if it would be the wisest course. They talk about their unenviable track record, then Ken thrills Dr Who fans the world over by mentioning the fact that Denise went off with a Dalek! That's one for overseas viewers to listen carefully for when this episode reaches them. I played the tape three times, and Dalek sounds the most likely word! It lacks the ring of truth though, for we all know that Daleks are unable to climb stairs! During a subsequent brief meeting in the street, Deidre hints heavily that she will, like as not, accept Ken's offer.

Roy meets Bill outside the imaginatively named Corner Shop. The former looks preoccupied. Bill tells him to beware of bollards with twiddly bits. Sound advice for us all, I'd say. Roy tells Bill of the intended sale (with vacant possession) of their joint home, and assumes Bill will have a ready made bolt-hole chez Maureen. Bill is not so sure, as it's not Maureen's house, but her mother's. Borrowing from the mouth of my role-model-for-life Wilkins Micawber, Roy asserts that "something will turn up".

Joyce asks Judy if there is any news regarding the patter of little Malletts. Has Judy tried a test kit to make sure one way of the other? She might have been interested in the pregnancy test kit I developed a few years ago. The unique device of my own design was selling well by mail order, and the results were spectacular, judging by the letters I received from delighted survivors. Unfortunately, a pressure group representing the families of the less-than satisfied users saw fit to involve the Police. They came to my workshop, confiscated 20 reams of industrial strength blotting paper and 15,000 ping-pong balls, and I spent the next eighteen months with plenty of time on my hands to work on a total re-design!

Anyway, Joyce advises Judy to go to the doctors and "get it rubber stamped!" My mind boggled. Do they really do that? Surely there's a simpler, more scientific method. I await enlightenment from a discreet reader! Later in the pub, Joyce lets the cat out of the bag to Gary, saying that Judy might be in the family way. Great with child. In an interesting condition. Take your pick. Gary is thrilled.

In the cafe, Martin advises Gail to eat humble pie, and talk to Alma one last time, to see if a reconciliation can be achieved. Gail resolves to do this. I think she was swayed by the towering wisdom of Martin, when he used some strange childhood football analogy to put his point. I failed to understand it, but then I'm not married to him. Gail's face expresses morbid gloom.

In a trice, Alma arrives with a smart young man in tow. He is none other than the advance guard from Pizza Heaven. His company is wondering about the possibility of turning the cafe into one of their outlets. He appears to be favourably impressed and wants his colleague to see it. He says the deal must go ahead soon, if they decide they want the site. He is to contact Alma tomorrow. Roy asks Alma if there might be the slightest chance Mike will reconsider the sale of the Crimea Street property. Roy hates change....where will he keep his old newspapers? She tells him there is no option but to sell. He too is terribly glum. He muses that "foxes have holes, birds of the air have nests......" and slips away to put his pinny on. All too deep for me, Roy!

Gail, choking back the tears, tells Alma she will regret all this. (I wanted her to say "maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life". She declined).

Still in the cafe, Becky and her friend are telling Roy it will be a jolly sight better if the place does fall to the ever increasing tide of pizza outlets. Roy lectures them on the evil proliferation of such places, and the resulting demise of the small independent cafe. He cites the grey squirrel as a prime example. I must admit, he's got a point. You tell me, where on God's earth can you get a decent honest-to goodness cooked squirrel these days? Do these Burger Kings and McDonalds want to know....do you see squirrel pick-em-ups (with choice of rodent dip) on the menu? Are they offering us Triple MacSquirrel burger? Are they hell!

Later in the pub, Percy is lamenting the imminent demise of the cafe. He condemns pizza as being glorified Welsh rerebit with leftovers on top, and attributes the wartime collapse of the entire Italian nation to their unwholesome diet. This being inferior to the German nutritional intake, which kept them regular and therefore in better shape for warmongering!

Sean has been paid a vast amount by Mr Cadbury to wear a shirt in tasteful Cadbury purple. He (Sean that is, not Mr Cadbury) and Samantha are making a date to go together to her self-defence class.

Look, I am in no position to give romantic advice, but in my humble experience, a girl who is accomplished in self defence spells trouble! Sean, old lad, you don't want to mess with a tottie who can fend you off in such a way that you dread having to visit the men's room for the ensuing month. Especially as she will yell all that frightening Japanese nonsense as she cripples you!

Mike tells Sally he needs her for some weekend work. Eventually he admits that the story of a new outlet for the KBEC gear was a fiction, and the real intention all along was to "punt out the moody schmutter" as we retail professionals call it, on a market stall! She pulls one of her faces, but reluctantly agrees. I can envisage the scene already. It will be like a cross between the EastEnders market " 'ere Grant....woss goin' on?" and Only Fools and Horses. Sally will be Rodders to Mike's Del-Boy. (My sincere apologies to overseas viewers who may not be keeping up with this.)

The final scene involves Ken and Mrs Jeffers. All day, Ken has been sweating on the outcome of the governors' meeting, where Mrs J was to plead his case. She calls to his house after the vital meeting, and tells him she was able to convince the board that he should keep his job. Ray Crabtree and Sandra Kerr weren't so lucky. He is very grateful indeed, and tells her so. He adds that he "owes her one". I earnestly hope he stops short of delivering!

Darkly, she agrees that he IS in her debt, and that's how we end.

On the subject of debt, this week I am forever indebted to a woman passer-by at London Zoo. In the arachnid house, I was bitten by a revolting little Amazonian Black Backed spider. It is a highly venonous little chap, but the quick-thinking woman sucked out the poison, for which there is no known anecdote!

That's yer lot.

Good night and I love you all.

Nigel


Friday 31 January

Street: Ken flags Bill's van down to remind him about a job. Judy and Gary emerge from their house - she's in a rush and cadges a lift from Bill, but his van won't go. Gary quickly stops Judy from helping Ken and Martin to push it. Gary tells Martin that Judy may be pregnant. Ken's car won't go either; he decides to walk.

Shop: Maud tells Maureen that Bill is waiting for Maureen to ask him to move in with them at Nightingale Street, but he doesn't want to pressurise Maureen. Maud says she had better ask him.

Cafe: Roy is distracted, but Gail is flustered and wants him to get on with some work, She tries to reassure him that he will be OK, but he seems disturbed that everything will be different. Deirdre comes in for a pasty for Alec and a filled cob (roll) for herself. She and Gail speculate that the Baldwins must be in trouble to be selling both properties. Roy hasn't even looked for somewhere else to live yet; but he thinks he has thought of a solution - that he buy the cafe. (Much cheering and bouncing on the settee in our house; what about in yours?) Gail clearly thinks he's a few sandwiches short of a picnic, but he decides he will look into it.

Betting shop: Des makes fun of Sean for the lengths he's going to for Samantha. Sean himself wryly wonders how he came to volunteer to go to self-defence classes, but he no longer regards her as a notch on the bedpost - no, his feelings have 'matured'.....

Cafe: Roy goes on about going to the banks for some money. Gail seems exasperated. Martin is also helping in there on his day off, and the cafe is very busy. Alma arrives with the two Pizza Heaven prospective purchasers. They are on their way upstairs when Roy steps in to declare his interest in buying. Alma assumes he's just upset, but on her way up, says 'Roy, I'd sell it to you, the same as anyone else, if you can raise (the money)' Roy ponders. Martin thinks it is a foregone conclusion that the Pizza people will have it, and they may as well shut. Gail reminds him that they won't get so much for it if they close, plus they may as well make what wages they can. Roy realises that if Gail keeps her share, he will only have to buy Alma's half. Gail point out that Alma owns 60%, and it would be £35,000, since that represents the lease and the flat, whereas Gail's share is in the business only. Roy decides he had better go off to the banks and building societies, right now.

Rovers: Mike tells Kevin he is pleased with Sally's work, and grateful she will work on Sunday, and that Mike will make sure she is all right for money. Kevin doesn't seem reassured. Alma comes in to tell Mike she thinks the Pizza people will buy the cafe.

House: Dreary has let Bill into Ken's house to fix the tap. They talk about Roy; Dreary confesses she used to be frightened of him, but Bill remarks on Roy's amazing room, and says 'he's just tuned into a different station in his head, and really he's very intelligent' (nice one, Bill, or should I say Julian Roach, the writer.) Dreary says she will help Roy find some accommodation. Bill assumes she will move into Ken's but she says it isn't that simple.

Shop: Bill goes in to see Maureen and she recounts what her mother thinks. He doesn't want to live with Maud. They want somewhere to be together, alone, and they have a plan...

Street: Ken has accepted a lift home from Sue Jeffers. She requests his help at half term as she has a conference paper to deliver, He feels obliged to agree since she saved his job. She is interested to overhear from Bill that Deirdre has a key to Ken's house. She invites herself in for a cup of tea. House: Sue promises to stick to soft drinks at the next conference, and Ken agrees to accompany her. She quizzes him about Deirdre, then arranges to come round again on Sunday - as long as Deirdre won't be there.

Rovers: Judy moans at Joyce for letting Gary know she may be pregnant. Des jokes about Sean, but Samantha is not amused, and neither is Sean when she says they will be in different groups on Monday at the self-defence. Maureen allows Maud to think that Bill has solved his problems and is about to move in with them. Then they reveal that he is to move into the flat above the shop.

Mike's van: Mike stands with his hands in his pockets while Sally shifts boxes of garments. She sees that they have KBEC logos, and has a pang of conscience about the illegal trading. Mike gives her a lesson in what is legal, illegal and slightly dodgy - it's all about little people standing up for themselves, apparently. Sally doesn't seem entirely happy.

House: Roy calls on Gail and Martin. He accepts a beer, even though it is not low alcohol. He explains he didn't make it back to the cafe as he went to 3 banks, and some building societies. Gail is amused to discover Roy has actually got an account, but starts to take notice when he informs her you lose interest if you don't give 3 months' notice to withdraw money. Then he reveals he spread his money around several accounts. An increasingly incredulous Gail and Martin ask 'what money?' and Roy coolly says he had the money from the sale of his dead grandmother's house. He has enough money, and Alma did say she would sell to him, so he came to ask Gail what the next step should be? They look stunned. Credits.

Best line: Roy, re: a pasty: 'Always likes it hot, Mr Gilroy. Even in summer; which currently,' (FX drops spoon into saucepan) 'it isn't'.

Helen



Written by Paul Baker, Nigel Worsford, Helen Johns and Kevin Albertson


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