Friday 2 August
Mavis/Derek/Rita
Mavis is taking the day off to recover from the stress of having
to deliver newspapers and Derek calls into the Kabin to have a
little gloat about it, giving Rita some lofty speech about how
in times of crisis people must rally round and work as a team.
But Rita just waits patiently like a Big Red Spider for him to
finish and then she gives him the newspapers and thanks him for
offering to help Mavis. Derek is forced to either do the paper-round
or wrestle Rita to the floor and pull off her wig. He chooses
the former.
In the Rovers some time later, Derek complains about having a
bad back, and Rita sends him off to bed with Mavis. Does this
mean that Rita will have to deliver the papers herself? Oh no
- she's got some other child to do it, and giving Mavis the afternoon
off means that she'll be able to spend it in peace. You can see
why she's the richest woman in the Street.
Gail/Martin/Police
It's night-time and Gail jumps out of a car looking hassled. The
Police are at the Platt's house - and they've put an APB on Nick
- Martin's been checking the local bus shelters and says that
it's like "Casualty" out there on the Streets. Audreh
and Alf stand in a corner looking useless. Then Don arrives in
the Street and sees the Police car and the open door so he bursts
in and starts on with his usual blether about how "You all
turned Nick against me etc." Audreh and Martin gang up on
him and try to throw him out, but Don retorts "You're not
even his real father," which is like a big slap in the face
to Martin (surely this is something to be proud of?)
The Police tell the Platts that as Nick will probably turn up
of his own accord, and it will be hard to trace him as he's a
15 year old boy, not a 6 year old on his own. They ask for a recent
photo. Later, Gail and Alma have a heart-to-heart about it all.
Trash/Vera/Jack/Jameh
Trash is too ill to come into work, so she's staying at home to
have morning sickness in peace. Jack calls round to see her, and
very awkwardly says that this is a bad business, and then he offers
to "make things easy" for Trash by getting her a private
room so that she can have an abortion in "comfort".
Trash is too stunned to respond, and so she asks him to leave.
Then it's Vera's turn to visit, right at the end of the episode.
By this time, Trash has got her gumption back and she turns on
Vera. "What is it this time? Are you going to offer me two
weeks in Marbella to recover?" Vera can't understand what
is going on, so Trash continues. "You're just two old fogies
who've come into a bit of money. Well, I don't need your help.
I'm going to HAVE this baby do you hear? I'm going to HAVE IT!"
And now the whole Street knows that she's going to have the baby,
including R Jameh who is standing behind Vera and has heard the
whole sorry outburst. Vera beams and scarpers. Credits.
Best Scene:
Jameh interacts with Becky and Lauren who are sitting on the kerb,
reading a girl's magazine. Becky and Lauren think Jamie is socially
unacceptable ("1st formers! Bleugggh!") and give him
a hard time. However, it was nice to see the (mostly good) child
actors in a scene all by themselves.
Monday 5 August
Liz/Jim
"I've come round for my answer Liz, what's it to be?"
says Jim, wondering if Liz will see sense and sell the house to
him. "The answer's Nurr Jim D'yer 'ear me? Nurrr!" Much
scowling and snarling from Jim follows, and he goes straight to
the bank to cancel the mortgage. He's so angry that he calls Liz
"vindictive" twice in this episode, so it must be a
new word that he's learnt specially.
But it all seems to backfire and by the end of the episode Jim's
grumbling about having to take out a second mortgage, and I wasn't
really paying that much attention because I was still reeling
over the second storyline of the night...
Duckworths/Trash/Mike/Sally/Ida/Mark
Jamie's made Trash breakfast in bed. It's cold tea and burnt toast,
but Trash is so pleased that she eats it all anyway.
Mike's in a mood because Alma has to work in the cafe all by herself
(Gail's busy fretting at home), but luckily the return of his
son (Mark) makes him beam anyway. I don't know what school Mark
was sent to, but they seem to have been feeding him on steroids
and fertiliser as he's now as tall as Mike and about twice as
wide - he looks like he could knock down Nicky Platt by sneezing
on him.
Mike takes Mark to show him off round the factory, and Mark's
physical presence does not go unnoticed, especially by our favourite
single-parent who, on seeing Mark, immediately starts CRUISING
the poor boy, with a series of winks and smiles and lick-lipping
etc. Mark stands there, aware that he is on display, going bright
red with shame.
Mike meanwhile gives a big speech about how the factory's doing
so well and they've landed a contract to make costumes for an
ice-hockey team. This prompts a lot of giggling and innuendo from
the women who are already sexually aroused having had Mark paraded
in front of them. Ida even promises to bring her own tape measure
(!) But Mike is going away and needs someone responsible to leave
in charge. Ida starts puffing herself up and looking smug, but
Mike says "Sally, come to my office." Sally blusters
but accepts, and Ida seethes. Later in the Rovers when the girls
are buying drinks, Sally is ostracised from the other women.
Trash is going to have a gin or something, but Vera says "No,
orange juice for her," and Trash accepts. She then goes through
to the back and Vera explains that she wants to help Trash have
the baby (not literally). Jack is embarrassed and anxious to explain
that he only wanted to leave all the options open for Trash by
suggesting he paid for her abortion. He then leaves Vera and Trash
to discuss the pregnancy etc. Vera warns Trash to stay away from
Terry. Trash is rueful and says "But I like them big and
bad" and I think that's something we can all empathise with.
Platts/Don/Audrey
Nicky's still missing, and the police need a better photo of him
as the last one was too ugly. Looking through an old album they
come across those scribbled out pictures of Don (remember - it
was Sarah-Lou's finest hour). The police are starting to get suspicious,
and probably think that the Platts are involved in some sort of
cult by now. Audrey's bought an answering machine for Gail, and
sets it up, getting in everyone's way. Gail is sick of her and
they have a big fight and Gail throws her out.
Audrey is tearful but decides that Don is to blame for everything
and she drags Alf round to Don's house so that she can insult
him and work out her anger. Don's lips quiver again.
Meanwhile, Ken suggested that Martin check up on Nick's bank card
transactions, and Martin finds out that Nick withdrew a lot of
money the day he left. Gail and Martin hope that it runs out so
that Nicky will be forced to return. They hug in relief, but then
that sinister little girl (Sarah-Lou) pops up between them, smiling
spookily and I'm beginning to wonder if she knows more than she's
telling. Maybe she's eaten Nicky.
Suddenly the answerphone goes off - Martin grabs it, but it's
only a man selling double-glazing. Credits.
Awards:
Best line: Audrey to Don: "You're malicious and sick! You're
EEEEVVVVIILLLL!" Runner-up Sally: "Cancel my white wine
Vera." (she's so snotty now she's working in a factory).
Anti-Glamour (Dry Hair Category). Since Josie flew away on her
broomstick and left a big split ends deficit in our lives, two
characters have tried especially hard to fill that gap. Gail probably
doesn't even know what conditioner is, but with Ken Barlow, you'd
think that having a trendy hairdresser girlfriend at one stage
would have taught him some hair-care tips. Dry, flyaway, unmanageable...They
were like some "before" shots from a Timotei advert.
Ken "narrowly" wins the award - I've had my eye on his
gut for a few episodes now, and I'll swear it's getting bigger.
His stomach helps to tip the scales in his favour.
Wednesday 7 August & Friday 9 August
Trash/Duckworths/Factory
Trash is now an honorary Duckworth and Vera thinks that she will
be a good mother. But Trash still wants to find out where Terry
is, so Jack and Vera drag her through into that back room and
sit her down and tell her what a monster Terry is - how he sold
R Tommy and then kidnapped him back just so that he could sell
him all over again. Trash is not deterred and later tells Kevin
in the Rovers that she still intends to track Terry down and confront
him with her baby.
At the factory, Mike's left Sally in charge and Ida wants to complain
about it. Mike gets Sally over and then tells Ida that he's left
Sally in charge because she hasn't had years of "skivving
and getting out of work and learning how to steal the material".
Ida is outraged, and rubs her little monkey wig in fury. Sally
says "Huggit! Rursie! Surphie! Mr Baldwin!" and simpers.
Alf/Ken
Alf gets a phone call in the Rovers (how depressing that his fellow
council men know that if he's not at home he's in the pub). Mr
Council Man wants to arrange a mysterious meeting (in the cafe
- how Mission Impossible!) so that he can reveal that Coronation
Street will be knocked down in a few years for a Ring Road, and
if Alf wants to have a Street named after him, he should choose
one that's going to outlast him (so what's his point - Alf's on
the fast track to a heart attack anyway). Being an old hypocrite
and a fake, Alf goes to announce to the Wise Man of the Street
(Ken) that he's had a change of heart, and he's not going to have
the Street named after him after all. (Does this mean that we'll
soon have a big "Save Our Street" story-line? Surely
the biggest cliche in any soap - and to my knowledge it's already
been done in Neighbours and EastEnders).
Platts/Don/Judy
Gail and Martin have made up some posters that say "Have
you seen our Nicky?" and Don offers to help put them up all
over Manchester. Gail and Don go to the amusement arcade, where
Judy works. She's been locked in a big cage so that she can't
attack the young boys who frequent the place, but she tells Gail
that she will help by displaying Nick's poster and making everyone
read it (if they are able to read).
Martin discovers that Nick's used his credit card on the way to
Leeds so Martin goes there to look for him, but is unable to trace
him. "What do 15 year old boys do to get money when they
haven't got any?" cries Gail, asking the unthinkable. "My
God," says Martin. "Do you mean he'll get a paper round
in Leeds? We must do something!" So he puts some more money
in Nick's account. Meanwhile spooky Sarah-Lou grins to someone
off camera. I hope Ivy's ghost is watching down on this troubled
family.
Liz/Jim/Andy
Liz wanders through these episodes like an oasis in crimson. She's
realised that Jim's hemmed her in over the mortgage business,
and after several conversations with Andy she decides that she
will sell the house to him after all, as the memories that she
had there were all depressing anyway. She tells him that she hopes
that he will be happier there without her, than he was when he
was with her, or something like that.
Wilts/Fred/Norris/Jack
It's Derek's birthday (60) and he is in one of those good moods
that the writers only ever put him in so that they can crush him
by the end of the episode. Mavis has cooked fish for breakfast
and bought a card, but Derek suspects that she is going to hold
a surprise party for him, and spends most of Wednesday's episode
snooping round trying to prove that this is so.
Norris is dispatched to the Kabin to question Mave, but Mavis
tells him that there is no party planned. Derek decides that Norris
must be "in on it" too, and congratulates him on being
such a good actor. The same thing happens with Maud and Maureen,
and by the end of the episode, Derek arrives home, expecting a
big "SURPRISE!" but there's nobody there, and considering
that his only friend is Norris anyway, it wouldn't have made any
difference if Mavis had held a party.
But Mavis does have a surprise lined up and it's in the conserrrvaterrry.
Derek's face drops when he discovered that it's only some silly
old blinds that Mavis has ordered, and then it transpires that
Mavis thought Derek was only 59 so she didn't bother to make a
big fuss of his birthday. Derek calls her "woman" and
sulks.
But luckily, there's a plot development to make them forget this
nonsense as Fred Elliot is dragged out of the mothballs and announces
that a member of the Square Dealers has recently dropped down
dead and this has created an opening, or a corner ahem in the
hierarchy. Derek sees his chance and starts licking around Fred,
enlisting Mavis to ask Rita to put a good word in for him. Fred
quizzes the Wilts, with the result that they both agree to buy
lots of meat from his store. But Jack wants to be a Square Dealer
too, and he starts giving Alf free drinks. "Ey Vera, we's
on the up now," he remarks. Credits.
Awards:
Best line: Fred quizzes the Wiltons to see if they are the "right
sort of people" for the Square Dealers: "Have you now
or have you ever been of the vegetarian persuasion?"
Where Are My Lovers?: Forget Nick's disappearance. Who cares if
he never comes back? What about those two dodos in love - Kelly
and Ashley? I'm having posters of my own made. In a bus-shelter....somewhere...I
know they're both snogging. I can smell the pizza. They can't
hide forever.
Oh My God: A Newspaper that I refuse to admit reading had a story
about one of our favourite Street Stars yesterday. Apparently
this brave actor is suffering from that socially debilitating
disease, alopecia (it's where all your hair falls out for no reason
at all). In the past I have often remarked on how sweaty this
person's hair has looked and how offensive I have found it. Now
the truth is out, I'd like to retract those cruel comments. How
lucky for him that Coronation Street has the biggest supply of
wigs in the world.
Monday 12 August
Josie/Don/Samantha/Gail
Don's getting drunk again in the Rovers ("he's had three
pints in half an hour" coos Samantha) and retires to his
home to continue the binge. But oh-my-god, Josie's appeared back
in the Street - having seen the posters of Nicky "all over
the precinct" she's come to paw at Gail and offer empty words
of support. Gail's traumatised because she's spent the whole day
going through Nicky's "things" and understandably she
feels "dirty". But Josie really wants to know why the
garage is closed up and why Don won't answer his front door. "I'm
not telling," says Gail. "My own story-line is all I
can handle at the moment."
Fortunately for us, Josie hasn't changed a bit and her hair was
so dry it was starting little flash fires in the Rovers when she
went in to ask about Don. Samantha says some rude things about
Don and so Josie goes back to his house to try to see him. And
then the episode really comes into its own.... The door of Don's
home swings open eerily, like something out of Scooby Doo or an
old Hammer House of Horror film. Then Don's manic grinning horrifying
face appears from behind it. "You're back!" he gurgles.
Josie walks in - the house is in a mess, with booze everywhere.
Maybe Don has been possessed by old Pope Ivy because he's now
the Street's resident lush. Josie is disgusted and can get no
sense out of Don who just wants to make jokes about her new job
in "telephone sales". To mark this scene as being utterly
bizarre, he even starts talking about Pope Ivy again (!!) Josie
stomps out and says that she'll be back when he's sober and she'll
be wanting answers.
Des/Becky/Claire
Des is on the boat - preparing it in a love-nest sort of way when
Claire's car arrives and that little brat Becky jumps out and
honks "Hiya Des, I'm coming too!" Des's smile freezes.
Later, he gets Becky to steer the boat so that he can get intimate
with Claire, but Becky manages to steer it into some reeds so
that plan backfires.
Becky continues to ask personal questions about sleeping arangements,
and Claire is no use - just sitting there simpering awkwardly.
That child needs discipline and should be sent on a 4 week long
stone-walling course in the Lake District or something. Of course,
Des ends up sleeping alone while Becky warns him pointedly that
she's a light sleeper so he'd better not snore or try to have
sex with her mother....
Serves him right really - he's been such a libertine for ages.
Mallets/Samantha
Gary and Samantha have a conversation in "motorbikese"
which I couldn't make head or tail of, but I think it was just
a cover for flirting and it ends up with her taking him for a
spin on his motorbike. Joyce and Ken hear the noise and complain
about noise pollution. When Joyce sees them she thinks that Judy
is driving the bike.
Later in the Rovers, Gary does his best to hide all this from
Judy, who, being a "passionate" woman would happily
kill Samantha for less.
Kevin/Sally
Sally's enjoying being the boss at the factory, she managed to
get Ida out of the toilets by asking her about her waterworks.
Kevin's not so happy - he finds his boss to be patronising, and
he wanted to go out to the Rovers for a drink but Sally is "tired"
and Mike might be phoning her. And all I can think is that why
would she ever contemplate an affair with a man twice Kevin's
age when her own husband wears those cute little overalls and
can't pronounce the letter "K"?
Andy/Anne
Andy wants to move out of the house now that Jim's buying it,
and he mentions the idea to Anne who instantly starts mithering
on about how she doesn't want to take the risk and things should
stay how they are Andy OK? Poor Andy - his evil twin brother would
have made mincemeat out of her.
Awards
Best line Don slurs his words while paying this wonderful homage
to the Pope: "Ey, all we can do is pray (about Nicky's disappearance).
That'sh what Ivy would do, she'd have a twenty-four hour round
the clock all night vigil. A prayerathon! That'sh what she'd do."
Where are my Lovers? The hunt intensifies as Kelly is mentioned
by Sally as being on her way from Ken's house, but she's going
to be late. We even get to hear her ring the doorbell but the
scene ends abruptly before we even get to glimpse a bit of bulk.
What a con.
Wednesday 14 August
Written by Graham Allsopp
Don/Josie
Josie rings and announces she's coming round - in response Don
turns Nº5 into a florist's shop.
Josie rolls in and makes it perfectly clear this isn't a social
visit, and starts tearing a strip off Don. He starts to flounder
as she asks him what went wrong, and why she wasn't notified.
She gradually realises that she may loose all her money and that
she was notified, but Don couldn't be bothered to get in
touch with her. Don suggests buying back the garage and starting
afresh - Josie points out it's illegal to buy your own bankrupt
business, and that no one would give them a loan anyway.
Don pleads with Josie to stay, but she puts on her coat "Sorry
Don, there's no us, just like there's no garage - it's history"
Mave/Liz/Trash
In The Kabin, Mave tells Liz of some lodgings that are available,
but Liz has set her sights slightly higher. Trash is also there,
buying 2lb of liquorice torpedoes for Jamie's breakfast, as she
let the toast burn whilst throwing up in the loo. "Was it
something you've eaten ?" enquires Mavis 'innocently' nosey.
"If you don't know it's morning sickness, you're the only
one in a radius of about 5 miles who doesn't" replies Trash.
Mavis just gives her one of her 'put down by Rita' looks.
Judy/Joyce/Gary
It's Judy's birthday, and so she gets a singing Joyce-a-gram -
who then barges her way in, gives Judy a card and tacky lime green
dress from the catalogue, and tells Judy off for riding the bike
out of the ginnel with Gary clung on like a limpet on the back.
Later it takes Judy about 10 seconds to get it out of Gary that
Samantha was on the bike, and she verbally lays into him. Judy
then storms into the Rovers with Gary in tow, and sets about Samantha:
"Find yer own fella you cheeky tart - this one's mine"
Claire/Becky/Des/the good canal barge Marston
Des is still wearing his stupid sunglasses. It's team photo time,
but when Becky has to take one with her mother's tongue down Des's
earhole, she flips and throws the camera in the canal, and runs
off down the towpath with Des in pursuit.
On the towpath, Des tells Becky all about Lisa, how he loved her
so much and how he still thinks of her, but life has to go on,
and you can always love more than one person, etc, etc, etc
Andy/Anne/Samantha/Liz
Andy asks Samantha where he went wrong with Anne over sharing
a flat. Samantha tells him that Anne is just looking for her own
space.
Anne turns up for lunch at Nº11 with prawn and avocado sandwiches
and a bottle of wine, and says she's celebrating buying a house.
She hasn't got it yet, but when she does, Andy can move in - "we'll
be together - but it won't be a flat share as such". Of course,
Anne has the mortgage and Andy has to put the loo seat down. Andy
looks a little suspicious but agrees, Anne just looks divine in
a sleeveless white blouse...
Later Liz pops round and tells Andy she's finally moving out and
has found a room in a bordello overlooking the Red Rec.
Gail/Martin/Roy
Roy serves Gail a full breakfast in the cafe, saying he can sympathise
with her, staring at 4 walls, waiting for the phone to ring. Roy
opens up a little, and tells Gail that his dad walked out when
he was 10. He was very worried and didn't go to school for weeks.
It transpired that his dad had planned the whole thing, sold the
car, cashed in his insurances and gone to New Zealand. Gail asks
why, and Roy replies "Because he didn't love us". His
dad has a new life and family in New Zealand, his mum has remarried,
but when Gail asks "and you, have you got over it ?"
Roy hurriedly makes an excuse to do something else.
Later, Gail walks into Nº8 looking worried, where she finds
Martin looking worried, and the kids eating huge sticks of Labour
'Tory Lies' rock and asking when they can move into Nick's room.
The phone rings - it's the police and they have a video of someone
in Leeds taking out cash from Nick's account at a cashpoint. It
HAS to be good news, doesn't it ?.... Credits.
Friday 16 August
Jim/Anne/Andy/Liz
Liz moves out, making Andy promise not to "slag" her
off to Jim, and then Jim moves in. Jim seems pleased to have Andy
around, but just as things are going well, Andy and Anne announce
that they are getting a flat together. Jim is not pleased at all,
and rightly assumes that Andy is moving out because he doesn't
want to share with his bad-temperered out father.
Gail/Martin/Audreh/Roy
Gail has gone to the police station as Nicky has been caught on
camera using his credit card. Audreh and Roy are filling in for
her at the cafe. Roy says that he hopes Nicky turns up all battered
and dishevelled, which makes Audreh furious until Roy explains
that it would make him less likely to want to run off again. Mavis
whitters on about when her budgie Harriet went missing, and Audreh
suddenly realises that of the three of them, she is the most normal
person in the room, and this drives her insane. Gail returns with
some news, it wasn't Nicky on the camera, it was some other person.
More tears, more trauma. Will it ever end?
Gary/Judy/Samantha
Gary and Judy are at breakfast and Judy says to Gary "Come
here go away come here go away come here go away come here go
away." Eventually Gary manages to get out of the door but
he bumps into Samantha and hatches a plan to make things look
innocent by getting her to say that she only rode his bike because
she was interested in buying it. (Why is riding a motorbike such
a powerful metaphor (substitute) for sex in the Northwest?) Samantha
says that if she had known he had been interested in her then
they "could have gone somewhere" (!) And Gary responds
as if he's just won the lottery. Later in the pub, Samantha agrees
that she was interested in buying the bike (pacifying Judy) but
then produces some money and gives it to Gary, telling the Mallets
that Gary has sold his bike so he can buy Judy a dishwasher. Samantha
has got a new bike at a cheap price, and manipulated two characters
at once. We'll have to watch her in future.
Des/Becky/Claire
The boating holiday continues - Becky seems to be behaving better,
but then she catches Des and Claire kissing and gives Des a big
kick, then flies into her cabin and hides under the blankets.
Claire is despatched to get her talking again, and soon that huge
nose appears above the covers and a little voice says "He
can't replace Dad".
Josie/Sally/Kevin/Ida
It hasn't taken long, but all the butter has finally melted in
Sally's mouth, and now it's dribbling down her chin and getting
in Ida's monkey- woman wig. "That's Mr X on the phone,"
says Sally. "He wants an extra two dozen t-shirts by Monday.
Get cracking slaves!" "But Mr Baldwin said that KBEC
takes priority," complains Ida. "Rubbish," Sally
retorts. "Get back to your sewing machines or feel my whip
again!" And all the time I was admiring the way her hair
flips up at the end. Josie's been skulking around again and she
calls on Kevin and Sally during their tea to make them an offer
that they can't refuse. There's still a bit of testosterone left
in Kevin after a hard day being bossed around at Kwikfit so he
responds by shouting at Josie for no reason. Josie tells him that
they should buy the garage as the bank would accept £25,000,
or some other ridiculously cheap rate. She leaves. Sally's greedy
little eyes suddenly bulge in their sockets, with the anticipation
of it all. Credits.
Awards:
Best lines. What a baroque little episode it was, with several
of the cast coming out with obscure and bizarre utterances:
1. Gail "It just goes on and on and on!! (we know dear).
My son could be dead and I've got to make chips!!"
2. Judy Mallet "My marriage was allright until you come round
with your collecting box."
3. Roy: "I'm not a trainspotter. There's so little time."
4. Audreh: Budgies! I'm talking about a missing boy!
5. Roy to The Mave about children: "Was it internal problems
or did you just not have the time?"
6. Vera to Ken : "I never went to school neither....And look
at me now!!!!"
Monday 19 August
Andy/Anne/Curly
It's Andy's first day at Firman's and he's having a girly gossip
about last night's tv in Curly's office. But stern-sounding footsteps
are heard from outside and the door is flung open to reveal Anne,
with her hair pinned back and looking disapproving. "What's
going on here? Both of you, back to work. And call me The Royal
Ms from now on Andy," screams Anne. "You must be joking,"
says Andy. "Not on your life," Anne tells him.
Later, Anne is bullying a pretty shelf-stacker: "Are you
totally incapable?" "She's on the way out," Anne
tells Andy. "She's useless." Andy begins to realise
that he is dating the reincarnation of Hitler.
Norris/Derek
Derek has collared Norris and wants him to put a good word in
for him at the Square Deal. "You keep on about our so-called
wonderful friendship" he says. "Let's see you do something
about it." Norris complains that he can't do anything until
the funeral of the dead square dealer is over, so Derek hints
at a bribe. "You are suggesting a rhombus!" says Norris,
shocked. (What?)
Claire/Des/Sean
Sean Skinner makes a return, in the guise as Des's sex-life adviser.
Except he tells Des some obvious nonsense about how Claire needs
time to get used to him and having a dead husband is probably
going to be an impediment to a relationship. "What do you
want from this relationship?" asks Sean. "Sex?"
"Oh I've been very promiscuous in the past," boasts
Des. "Actually I'm really jaded and I just want to settle
down." "Look, God knows why but she fancies you,"
Sean tells him. Indeed.
Later, Des is in his dressing-gown and Claire's there too so this
relationship probably is about sex and little else after all.
Des wants Claire to phone her in-laws, but Claire says "I
will tomorrow. I can't hurt them." At least Becky is at camp
this week.
Kevin/Sally/Mike/Tony
Kelly's late again (see awards), so Kevin has to stay behind and
wait for her. Luckily, Mike Baldwin's back from holiday and offers
to give Sally a lift. Sally can't believe her luck and climbs
aboard his big flashy car, pretending that she's Alma for five
minutes.
"Kevin Webster, please pick up the oily white courtesy phone,
there is a message for you." Kevin's on the phone to the
bank in his kwikfit uniform and he's having to shout, not because
it's noisy, but because he seems unable to have a conversation
without shouting these days. The bank tells him they will get
back in touch, so Kevin talks to Tony about buying the garage.
Tony says he would like to buy it too.
Back at the Webster's MFI-style living room, champagne corks are
popping like anything, and Tony and Kevin are celebrating. "We
got the garage then?" asks Sally, glowing. "Yes, Tony
and I are business partners," announces Kevin. This infuriates
Sally, who immediately goes into a sulking pouting fit. "I'm
only lickle," says Kevin. "I'm scared of the world of
big business. I want Tony to be my partner."
"I suppose I'll have to get used to it," says Sally.
"But he's getting the wet patch tonight mind."
Jim/Steve
Jim (new severe haircut) visits Steve in prison, who is looking
very weird and un-Steve like. His eyes were hardly bulging at
all. Jim tells Steve that he is to blame for the way things turned
out, and that when Steve gets out of prison, there'll be a job
for him at Jim McDonald Enterprises Ltd. Steve can hardly contain
his excitement.
After Jim has gone, the boys in prison are all made to walk round
the prison perimeter and Steve seems to have made a friend as
he's relating the previous conversation to him. But oh no, the
friend is Malcolm Fox and he says something weasily like "we
could do a lot of business together," and Steve agrees. Credits.
Awards:
Where Are My Lovers (part 3). Still no sign of them, although
reports are in that Kelly and Ashley have started holding up various
branches of Pizza-Hut and have been captured on a security camera.
Too much chest hair: It felt all wrong seeing Kevin and Tony in
their green overalls at Kwikfit. Kevin seems to be the
hairiest man in the Northwest - the stuff was seeping out of everywhere.
Is he on steroids?
Glamour Rush Job: Rita must have had a night on the town last
night because she obviously woke up late and had to hurry putting
on her usual glam stuff in the morning. As a result, the Big Red
Wig was actually on back to front - at least that's how it looked
to me.
Character going to waste: Now that Reg has gone, all that Maud
seems to do is listen in on other people's conversations and interrupt
them. If she's not careful, she'll end up like Emily Bishop.
Wednesday 21 August
Andy/Anne/Curly
Curly surprises Andy with a price gun and tells him to get to
work on the frozen pies (for some reason this has to be done in
an American accent). Andy says it's not his job to do pricing,
but apparently it is now that his bossy girlfriend sacked incompetent
Julie. Andy looks puzzled.
Later, Curly announces that Andy's been summoned to Anne's office,
and that she took an hour and a half for dinner. Expecting the
worst, Andy arrives and makes a few lame quips about being sacked.
Anne tells him that Julie was "useless" and had had
three written warnings. Then, beaming (probably for the first
and last time) she tells him that she's bought a house in her
lunch hour (as you do) and that they can at last move in together.
Andy is furious and comes out with a "Respect me!" speech,
then he resigns from his job, and from their evil S-M relationship.
What a big old drama queen.
Kevin/Tony/Don
Kevin's "spruced up" (not my words) in a lovely suit
that probably belonged to his grandmother or something. Don sees
him and snarls something unintelligble about how he wished that
Kevin had turned up for work in a suit when he worked for him,
so it transpires that Kevin's keeping his bank appointment a secret
(although anyone with any sense knows that the men in Coronation
Street only wear a suit for one of four reasons - 1. They are
going to prison, 2. A funeral, 3. They are going to ask for money
from the bank. 4. They are Sean Skinner.)
Later, Kevin and Tony are celebrating with a couple of cans and
looking at the garage in awe. Tony wants to call the firm "Horrocks
and Webster" but Kevin says it has to be "Webster and
Horrocks" as Horrocks is one of "them names that people
play around with" (!) There is no sign of Sally.
Judy/Joyce/Alec/Vera/Samantha/Percy
Joyce and Alec are discussing their upcoming holiday to the Lake
District and both agree that they had better not tell anyone about
it. Joyce asks for time off and Vera (who seems to be acting more
intelligently than usual) guesses that she's off with a man, and
wants to know if he has a brother.
Meanwhile, Emily and Ken are having a conversation about the Platts
when Percy interrupts to force "Mrs Bishop" into admiring
the clean windows of the house (he's been cleaning them with newspaper).
Emily steps back and is nearly sliced in half by a dangerous motorbike.
Percy takes control and says "Young man you could have killed
Mrs Bishop!" And the motorbike person pulls off her
helmet and it's Samantha, as if anyone was surprised as this is
the oldest soap cliche in the world. Samantha counter-acts Percy's
fusiness by telling him that if he wants a ride on her bike, he'll
have to join a queue.
Meanwhile, Joyce is complaining to Judy about her catalogue but
Judy wants to talk about her marriage. "Whoever she is, I'll
claw her eyes out," she says. "You'll have to come up
with something a bit better than that," Joyce tells her.
But Judy is of the claw eyes out first ask questions later breed
of women.
Alf/Audreh/Platts
Alf Roberts is having a "Wind" named after him (as in
a winding road) and Audreh has a good laugh at his expense. The
Police then appear in the cafe and tell Gail that they need Nicky's
dental records as a young boy has just died in hospital and he
cannot be identified in any other way. Gail does a splendid job
of over-acting - banging her head off the telephone when Martin
can't be reached, and then making Alf drive her to the hospital.
At the hospital she isn't allowed to see the dead boy, so she
has a vigil outside the mortuary, shouting "Let me see my
son!" to anyone who will listen. Martin arrives and tries
to calm her down. "You're a nurse, do something!" shrieks
Gail. "It's hopeless, says Martin." This causes an incredibly
pointless and circular monologue from Gail about how children
are the only hope that we have. (And if we look at Gail's own
children - a monosyllabic moron who says "Cool" too
much, a kooky, psychic witchling with dirty hair, and another
one who might as well be a slug for all the attention it gets,
then we can see why Gail's in such a state.)
Finally, Gail is dragged home - and back to an appalling scene
of domestic abnormality. Sarah-Lou has that odd look in her eye
that means that her head's going to start spinning (who'd go to
her prom night?) and she weirdly announces that she doesn't
want her dinner and announces that "Nicky can eat mine!"
Everyone goes "Children! Don't they say the strangest things."
But (cliche number two) Nicky's standing in the doorway (how painful
these words are to write), almost as if Sarah-Lou dragged him
out of the 4th dimension. And even worse, his hair and fingernails
look clean, and he looks well-nourished, so even THAT was spoilt.
Credits.
Awards.
Glamour Tiara -Vera wins with a pair of "mutant" daisy
ear-rings.
Best line - runnerup - Audreh to Alf. "Alfeh Roberts was
wined and dined and then he got wind."
Best line - winner - Gail : "They (pause) are (pause)
our (pause) hope!!"
Friday 23 August
Platts
The episode begins right where the last one left off, with Nicky
Platt standing in the doorway, looking like a cretin. On seeing
him, Gail immediately rushes into the kitchen (we later find out
that the very sight of her own son made her start vomiting uncontrollably
- don't worry Gail, this is a natural reaction and was probably
being repeated all over the country). Martin starts shouting at
Nicky: "Do you realise what you've put us all through etc,"
so Nicky says he's going to leave again. Martin roughly grabs
him, and throws him down on the sofa. Meanwhile, Audreh takes
the other children into the kitchen to eat sweets or something.
When Gail returns, wiping bits of vomit from her lips, she's still
over-acting which, compared to Nicky's complete lack of acting
(apprently the three-week intensive "Boot Camp" style
Acting Borstal for poor acting reoffenders that Nicky was sent
to has NOT worked): the poor boy can only read off his lines in
a dull monotone as if this were a school play put on by the kids
in the bottom band. What everyone wants to know is where Nicky's
been - and it transpires that he ended up in London although he
didn't take drugs (no really!) and didn't sleep in a cardboard
box or become a prostitute. Gail isn't really interested anyway,
and is touched when she found out that he got a job in a cafe.
However, Martin's brand of sanity is always tempered with rage
and he isn't much better - his ineffectual ranting doesn't get
any results. "I'm really sorry mum," says Nicky, but
mother has already forgiven him.
Later, when Nicky has gone to bed, Martin and Gail have a row
- about guess what? Nicky. I just hope that for the next 2 months
none of the Platts are allowed to have a story-line of any sort
because they just end up abusing the right when they get one.
Vera/Judy/Samantha
Judy's driving herself mad by thinking that Gary might be having
an affair with Samantha. Joyce tells her not to say anything to
her at work, but unfortunately Judy is the sort of person who
is ruled by instinct (she's half-way to being feral) and she can't
help herself but start making little cutting remarks at Samantha
while they do their stint at the Rovers.
Things get out of hand, resulting in both Judy and Samantha resigning,
and it's left to Vera to sort the whole thing out. Fortunately,
Vera's brain was recently swapped with the one belonging to Mavis's
budgie (an easy mistake - they were both stored in the same tupperware
box over the weekend) so Vera is able to listen empathically
to Judy's laments, and then offer some credible advice. She then
gets Samantha's side of the story and reunites both girls. She'll
be in MENSA next.
Andy/Kevin/Curly/Anne
It's closing time at Firman's and Anne casually announces that
one of the temps resigned and they'll need a new one. Curly is
shocked to find out that it's Curly, and even more so when Anne
tells him that their relationship is probably over too.
Meanwhile, Andy tells Jim that he will be staying with him after
all, and it's probably less complicated to remain single anyway.
Curly calls round and takes Andy for a pint, but a few mintues
later, Anne follows Andy into the Rovers and apologises,
admitting that she was in the wrong.
Andy hands her back his spine and she crumples it into little
bits. "Now slave, let us resume our S-M relationship"
she tells him. So things are as they were, and Andy tells Jim
that he and Anne are getting a house together after all.
Kevin/Don/Tony/Sally/Maxine
Kevin and Tony are still "celebrating" with a few cans
and admiring their new garage, when Ken walks past, and bubbling
with enthusiasm the new "partners" announce their latest
venture. This piece of news is duly passed on to Don in the Rovers,
just as Don is celebrating (I know) the news of Nicky's return.
A "party" is held at Kevin's house - even Maxine has
deigned to come along (she's put her hair into bunches that make
her look like a 5 year old). Sally makes a speech about how she's
not very pleased that Kevin's got a new partner, but with time
she'll learn to accept Tony. Kevin says that the new garage is
going to be called "Coronation Street Motors" or something
equally jingoistic. Again, Sally is not pleased, but at least
Maxine hasn't burst into song yet.
Then Don staggers through to the living room and raises a drunken,
accusing finger. "You shtole my money, as good as if you'd
knocked me down in the STREET," he rasps. "I hope that
garage brings you as much luck as it brunged me," he continues
spitefully. "I hope you lose EVERYTHING!" With that
he leaves, and a pall is cast over the whole evening. Credits.
Awards:
Glamour Tiara: Rita wins again - with a pair of "classy"
big yellow triangle ear-rings. Yes!
Groundhog Day Award: Sean Skinner's started sniffing around La
Mouton (Liz) again - but now that Jim's out of the picture, there's
no tension left in this slack recurring story-line.
Monday August 26th
Norris/Derek/Sean/Vera
Not another Bank Holiday. Routine is disrupted again as Derek
and Mavis go off to the allotment and Norris waits for Derek all
day in the Rovers. Other than boring Emily Bishop to death (not
that easy), Norris has very little to do, so when Derek arrives
in the Rovers with muddy wellingtons and Vera makes him leave
them by the door, Norris steals one of them. Derek is annoyed,
and immediately suspects Des, who stopped playing tricks on him
ages ago. "Barnes! Barnes!" whines Derek, but to no
avail. Fortunately Ken points out where Norris has hidden the
missing wellington. (see awards).
Later, Norris tries to tell the whole story to Sean, who looks
as if he would like to crush him under the heel of his shoe. It
can't be easy for these peripheral characters.
Platts/Don
Audreh and Alfeh are taking 2/3 of the Platt children to New Brighton
for the day, but Nicky is being like a real teenager and staying
in bed. Don now seems to be permanently drunk - even when he isn't
drunk he is if you know what I mean, and he comes round to see
Nicky and invite him on a fishing trip. Instead of holding up
a cross and screaming at Don (which is the only sane thing to
do), Gail agrees to let him go, but then a telephone call from
the police spoils their plans - as the police want to "have
a word" with Nicky about wasting their time (and ours.)
So Don's left to complain to Martin about how underhand Kevin's
been, and Martin shows on interest at all.
Mallets/Joyce/Alec
It's the "Big Day" for Joyce and Alec as they're off
on their non-romantic holiday in the Lake District. Joyce drops
off her dog at the Mallet's house, and Judy warns her not to have
sex with Alec. As if.
The hotel looks quite nice, and Alec is soon ordering around the
waiters as if he's Queen Elizabeth I (knowing the actor's penchant
for drag, he probably has played that role in the past). Meanwhile,
Joyce is making full use of all the facilities of the hotel, by
having all her clothes cleaned and mended, as well as making phone
calls to relatives in Australia. At one point, Joyce opens the
door in her underclothes, sees Alec and immediately slams it shut.
Alec assures her that he has no intention of trying to seduce
her. So what was the point of this holiday?
Meanwhile, Gary convinces Judy that he loves her after all, and
he'll stop pestering her about having babies. They start snogging
again so things seem to be back to normal.
Des/Claire/Becky/inlaws
Des is one of those horrible moods where he sulks and spits at
everyone. A visit from Sean Skinner (who is taking far too much
interest in Des's sex-life for it to be normal) fails to pick
him up, so Des decides to go and visit Claire, who is staying
at her in-laws.
Claire is out, but the in-laws (a very odd pair - he's got huge
white bushy side-burns that make him look like he should be playing
a pirate in a fish-finger advert, and she wrinkles up her nose
at everything) invite Des in. "I'm making cakes," says
Mrs In-Law. "So there! Sit still." Des looks around
the room, which is full of pictures of Claire and Becky (with
short hair - uggh) and Claire's dead husband. The entire house
is like a huge shrine to him. Des realises that he can't compete.
After the adverts, Mr In-law is fondling a picture of his son
and asking Des if Claire told him anything about the dead hero.
Des says she didn't, but then Claire bursts in and starts insulting
everyone - and it's the first time I've seen her do anything except
simper so I was pleased. "This is my house," says Mrs
In-law, "and I'll thank you to be civil to my guests, whoever
they are." Des leaves, and goes back to Coronation Street
to sulk and be rude to Andy.
But on his way home, a car pulls up and it's Claire - she has
suitcases with her and anounces that she's moving in. Des is overjoyed,
but then the car door opens and Becky pokes her head out. "I'm
coming to live with yer too Des. Uggh stop kissing each other.
It's embarrassing!" Credits.
Awards
Glamour Tiara: A very close contest between Joyce and Vera. Vera
had a pair of ear-rings that were shaped like little bunches of
purple haemorroids, but Joyce's were huge dangly things - I swear
the biggest yet - they should have been made illegal. Also, Joyce
did get to lounge on a huge bed in a flimsy slip type thing (I'm
useless with women's underwear), so I think she wins.
Most bizarre image A wellington boot stuck into a hanging basket.
Chic.
Wednesday 28 August
Sally/Mike/Trash/Ida/Big Red Wig
"I'm not late," lies Trash, coming in late. "I
just popped outside for a bit." Even Simple Sally isn't taken
in by this, and she wants to know who "clocked in" (how
quaint) for her. A pair of brown pursed lips, standing in the
background provide the answer she needs, as Ida's suddenly taken
Trash under her wing and is now offering her an apprenticeship
in skivving.
"Naughty Trash!" says Sally. "Me tell boss man,"
but of course she doesn't. Then Mike wants to make Sally his permanent
second-in-command. "Will it mean murr money?" asks Sally.
"We'll see," Mike tells her. Sally goes home to talk
to Kevin about it, but the next time that we see her, she'd confiding
in old Big Red about it. "I want respect," says Sally.
"Look at Mavis and me," says Rita. "We don't have
a respect-basis relationship. Do you want this job or not?"
"Of cuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrse" says Sally. "There's
your answer," nods the Red Wig sagely as she sucks the cherry
up through her straw.
Vera/Alec/Joyce/Percy
Dawn breaks at the posh hotel, and Alec's paying the bill which
is very expensive thanks to Joyce's extravagance. The phone bill
is £70 alone. When Joyce finds out that Alec had to pay,
she is ashamed, and offers to do his cleaning for nothing, but
Alec is enjoying complaining and being a martyr too much to let
her spoil it.
Back at the Street, Alec wants to drop Joyce off without anyone
noticing her, but those two dreadful old gossips, Vera and Percy
are lying in wait and see everything. Percy is suitably outraged
"I wouldn't have expected anything else from Mrs Smedley"
he sniffs jadedly, while Vera can't wait until the evening when
she and Joyce exchange several sneering insults. Joyce makes a
few comments about how Vera's let the cleaning go to ruin while
she's been away, and Vera says she didn't have time as she was
so busy consoling Judy. Meow.
Gary Mallet officially announces that Joyce and Alec went away
together, although Vera knew anyway she pretends to be surprised.
Alec, when he arrives, is ashamed and rueful, even resorting to
that social stoop - a conversation with Deirdre and Ken to avoid
talking to anyone else.
Fiona/Anne/Andy/Maxine/Ken
Fiona (very very severe new hairstyle - think "Medusa")
finds out from Andy that he and Anne are moving in together, and
acts all jealous and confused about it. She then finds out from
Ken that Tony is going into business with Kevin, and is again
confused. "Why didn't you tell me?" she asks Maxine.
"You told me not to talk about him," Maxine tells her.
Poor Fiona - nobody cares about her anymore, and even her "let's
make friends" visit to Andy is interrupted by a chirpy Anne
who wants to go out on the town.
Liz/Drear
Has anyone else noticed that Liz's perm is extra fluffy at the
moment - and she's taking it easy with the black eye-make-up too.
She still looks like a cast member of the Rocky Horror Show though,
so there. Liz tells the Drear that the divorce is going to cost
her £500 and she can't afford it. Drear nods and says "eeeh"
in a deep voice. So Liz has a plan to get the money. "Jim
never properly paid for his wife-battering," she says. "I'm
going to sue for damages." It's so nice to know that she's
not doing this for any moral reason, but just because she needs
the money. Even the Drear is a bit concerted.
Des/Becky/Claire/Mrs In-law
For about five minutes, Becky and Claire are tormented by wondering
if Des really wants them living with him at all - but he assures
them that he does want them there - and tries to get Becky to
be as loud and untidy as she would if it were her own home.
Des's mood has improved, and he is nice to Andy - and even deigns
to have a conversation with Martin Platt about his new instant
family.
But there's a visit from that scary Mrs In-Law - she's one of
those old women who refuse to get their hair permed when it goes
grey, and as a result it looks all witchy and wild. Mrs In-Law
doesn't approve of Des and wants Becky to "come home with
your grandma." "Nurr," says Becky, "I want
to be where my mam is." Close-up of Des. We can't tell if
he's pleased or horrified. Credits.
Awards:
Glamour Tiara: A war of geometric shapes tonight as Vera dons
her biggest and whitest circular ear-rings, and a blouse that
looked as if she'd got it out of a litterbin in Armenia. However,
Rita's ear-rings were a new creation - each one was a big square
- and inside that was another square. Rita was also having a Big
Hair Day (OK - so every day is a Big Hair Day for her) and looked
stunning for it. She wins.
Friday 30 August
Vera/Joyce/Alec
Somehow, Joyce and Vera have made friends again and suddenly,
Joyce is revealing her innermost secrets to the woman she was
bitching at in the last episode. "I would have had sex with
him, if he had wanted to," she admits. (What!) Vera, who
is enjoying her new mother-confessor role makes her eyes bulge
archly. "I want to thank him for forking out all that money,"
continues Joyce. "What should I do?" Vera makes some
comments about how her Jack would prefer a nice steak rather than
"rumpy-pumpy", and Joyce says "Thanks for the great
idea - you've hit the nail on the head Vera", demonstrating
that soap opera cliche number 67 is alive and kicking (the one
where someone inadvertantly has a "good idea").
So Joyce cooks a meal (again) for Alec, and (again) she says that
she will leave immediately when he arrives and (again) he says
that she must stay and share it with him and (again) she agrees.
The predictable conversation about loneliness follows during which
time these unlikely love-birds start to get drunk and maudlin
on white wine. However, Alec realise what Miss Cadge is up to
and sends her home. Then he says "Oh Joyce..." "Yes
Alec?" breathes Joyce, in anticipation. "Take the rest
of the wine with you," continues Alec. (soap cliche number
68 - build up the hopes of the audience for no reason). As she
leaves, he looks thoughtful, torn between calling her back, yet
repulsed at the very idea. (This man has shared a bed with Bet
Lynch - surely nothing should repulse him.)
Liz/Drear
Not too much to report on these old cats this episode, except
Liz has instructed her solicitor to contact Jim's solicitor about
wanting money from him for beating her up. Liz intends to be "at
her mums" when it happens. These two have been in the same
chair in the Rovers for the last twenty episodes. What sort of
example is that setting the children of the UK (and Canada for
that matter)?
Norris/Derek
Again, not a lot happening as Derek continues to whine and pester
Norris into letting him be a member of the square dealers by bringing
up their friendship repeatedly. Does anyone really care?
Stephen/Platts/Mike/Sally/Ida
Fortunately a story-line with a bit of meat in it, even if it
does involve the smelly Platt family. It begins innocently - Sally's
balling out Ida for some reason or other - "we'll HAVE to
get those orrrrrders out on time," when Stephen appears unexpectedly
and is surprised to see that Josie has been transformed from evil
witch into the good fairy. He explains to Mike that some other
clothing factory have "let him down" on a deal, and
could Mike and the girls get stitching double-fast to help him
meet his deadline. Mike agrees to it.
At the Platt-house, Gail throws herself at Stephen who manages
to fight her off (she still hasn't wiped last week's vomit from
her blouse). Nicky slithers in and is about to go upstairs when
Stephen interrupts this "display" to invite everyone
to Canada. A flicker of excitement drifts across Nicky's sub-intelligence
features for a second, but Gail screams "No! no! no!"
Later, the "Nicky ran away" story-line is explained
to Stephen and he apologises to Gail and Martin for not consulting
them first. "I feel as if I've known you all my life,"
he witters. (Sometimes, when watching a particularly strenuous
battle between the Platts - I feel as if I have been watching
them all my life too). Gail and Martin are torn between their
freebie offer. Martin wants to go, but Gail doesn't.
Becky/Des/Lauren/Claire/Jameh
Lauren (hurrah she's back! and she's as pink as ever) and Becky
are sitting on a wall outside Des's house, being bored. Jameh
hovers around, trying for a conversation, but he is rejected.
Liz McDonald suddenly prowls into the Street and starts up a conversation
with Des about how he's managed to get his life back together,
and she's still floundering around, taking two hours a morning
to get her hair in the "dragged backwards through a hedge"
look. "Ooo's she?" snorts Becky. "That's Liz McDonald,
she's getting a divorce because she had an affair with Des,"
says telltale Jamie.
"Hutch up!" Becky tells Lauren, an evil grin appearing.
"Come and sit by me Jameh and tell me ALL about it."
Later, at home, Becky has a whining fit on Des and says "You've
been at it with half the women in the street, I don't want to
go on living here. Mam!" "There's only two women in
my life now," says Des. "You and your Mam." Claire
looks concerned. Credits.
Awards:
Acting: Mike Baldwin - when Stephen asks him if he thinks the
factory can handle the extra order, Mike smirks assertively -
then he turns to look at the apathetic workers on the factory
floor. His smile freezes and then melts away.
Written by Paul
Baker
