Well it seemed like a good idea when the great Mr
P asked me to step in to do one of the famous updates. I've now
watched tonights's episode about four times on the old video and
I'm sure about 90 per cent of the cast have made an appearence.
Anyway enough of my troubles - on with the show.
Alma/Roy/Lily
We open to a rare outside shot of Jim's Cafe before heading inside,
I think the outside broadcast unit must have been short of work
as this is the first of many external shots. The cafe is closed
as it's a Sunday and Sir Roy and Alma are busy giving the place
a spring clean. It transpires that Sir Roy is very fond of cleaning
as his dad was a 'polisher' which is the top of the tree in the
cleaning trade. As Sir Roy blows up his rubber gloves and sets
about cleaning the oven with what appears to be a toothbrush the
one and only Lily makes her entrance. Lily is giving a hand in
place of Phylis who is still ill back at 'Mayfield Court'. The
very mention of the court sets Lily off moaning about how 'Lord
High and Mighty Alf Roberts Ohh Bee Eee' is about to change it's
name to 'Alf Robert's Court'. It is very clear that Lily is not
to happy with this state of affairs.
Audrey/Alf/Jim
Alf is trying to convince Audrey that it's a great honour to have
an old folks home named after you and points out that the home
has been highly commended. Even the Dutch have been across to
give it the once over! Audrey's not too convinced and wants something
more salubrious for hubby to be remembered by. The door bell rings
and who should it be but the local navvy, Jim, come to fix the
patio complete with a four pack of alchohol free larger. Jim points
out that after doing the patio he wants to watch the football
on the Roberts' Sensaround 3-D Widescreen Cinema TV. (Another
bit of topical commentry but no mention of who's playing in what
is the final of Euro96). We next see the Roberts in an outdoor
scene admiring Mayfield Court from the comfort of their car. Audrey,
is by now very impressed, as Alfie is to get his name on a sign
at the entrance. In fact she comments that it is better than the
OBE as it will still be there after he has gone. (She has such
a lovely way with words)
Mike/Trash/Claire
Another outdoor scene at an open air market. Mike is back on his
home territory selling K-Bek seconds to an unsuspecting public
- 'you won't get stuff like this in the high street', he shouts,
'I know the bloke that makes them'. Trash has come along as his
helper and is still moaning, this time about getting up early.
For some unknown reason Claire is also working at the market and
has taken to wearing a ridiculous French Beret, maybe she's had
a Josie cut and can't face the public. Trash and Claire have a
bit of a chat about men and Trash moans about how she can really
pick them, now there's a surprise. By the end of the day Mike
has cleared his stall and has even managed to sell an off the
shoulder black KBEK number to Trash. Not content with this he
sets about selling the china from the next stall holder - who
has bet him £10 that Mike can't sell more than he usually
does. (According to the credits the China seller has the same
surname as Claire - could this be her dad I wonder?) Alma arrives
to see Mike in action and just like a good stooge buys some plates.
On their way to the Rovers to celebrate Mike selling all his stock
Alma and Mike spot Don. Alma tells Mike to eat humble pie and
to tell Don that Josie can have her job back as he can't operate
without her. On hearing the name Josie Don goes into one of his
rages and gives Mike an ear bashing telling him that Mike might
want her back but he certainly doesn't. Much to Mike's confusion.
Kevin/Don
Kevin has now set up camp on Don's doorstep as he still hasn't
been paid. Don arrives and tells Ken that he is getting it sorted.
Kevin wants an explanation but Don just gives him the same old
excuse and shuts the door in his face.
Sally/Martin/Ken/Jelly/Kids
Another outdoor scene in the Platt's garden as Martin prepares
a Bar-B-Que for all and sundry (why isn't he watching the football
I wonder). Sally is having a good old moan about Kevin not getting
paid. The fumes from the Bar-B-Que go to her head and she starts
to contemplate emigrating to Australia. Unlike Martin, she points
out, who has nursing skills, there's unlikely to be opportunities
for people like her and Kev who have no qualifications. Jelly
can't believe they'd want to go. Sally replies that she'd go anywhere
if things would buck up. In fact she's trying to kick start herself
into doing something but she doesn't know what. (Something big
is about to happen I can feel it in my water)
Curly/Raquel
Curly is relaxing reading the paper when he comes across a section
that has been cut from the middle of one of the pages. After making
out that it was nothing of any interest Raquel confesses that
it was an advert for a ten week aromatherapy course in Maidenhead.
She thinks the course is out of the question as it will cost a
fortune, and anyway she is only dreaming. Far from being put out
by all of this, and the fact that Firmans don't have a branch
in Maidenhead, Curly is very supportive and tells her to find
out all the details as this is her chosen career.
Rita/Alec
Rita and Alec are having a cosy cup of tea and hot cross bun in
Alec's new flat. It's not too long before they get round to discussing
life in general. Alec sets out his plans for the future in that
he wants to start up his business with 'the acts'. Is the work
still out there for such entertainment, Rita asks, and what about
the venues? Alec tells her that there are opportunities for a
club that can offer real acts. (I wonder which piece of real estate
he has in mind?)
Liz/Jim/Andy
Liz has been looking all over for Jim as she has received some
urgent telephone calls from Ireland. She finally bumps into Jim
in the Rovers and has the terrible task of breaking the news to
Jim that his mother passed away that very afternoon. Jim is clearly
shocked by this news and begins to feel guilty about not being
there so he plans to get the next flight to Ireland. Liz makes
her way to leave but Jim stops her and asks if she'll be going
over with him. Liz tells him that she won't as she is no longer
part of the family. Jim looks as if the knife has been given a
further twist in his stomach. Andy rushes out of the Rovers to
try and talk his mum into going. But Liz points out that she is
no longer a McDonald.
Percy/Lily/Roy
After their cleaning stint Roy and Lily have gone to the Rovers
and are joined by Percy. Roy has managed to find a Weatherfield
History book, published by WART (Weatherfield Association of Retail
Traders), which gives a detailed account of Mayfield since the
time of the black plague. It turns out to be a place steeped in
history and was the site of the May Fair in days gone by as well
as being a gathering place during the Napoleonic wars, much to
Percys delight. Audrey and Alf join the party and announce that
they passed the internationally famous Mayfield Court that very
afternoon. Lily gets her tongue sharpened and points out to Alf
that he should study his local history. She likes 'Mayfield Court'
named the way it is and it's name will be changed to 'Alf Roberts'
Court' over her dead body.
Roll Credits.
Awards
Best Lines - Lily on the subject of Alf: "he could sell his
grandmother to a fat chandler (?) for a three cornered hat";
Alec to Rita on the naming of Alf Roberts' Court: "the ultimate
status symbol a post code after his name".
Eastenders Award - goes to Mike 'Barra Boy' Baldwin for his outstanding
salesmanship at the local market - clearly his natural environment.
Glamour Award - Almost went to Trash and her little KBEK number,
but I'm sure Paul would go mad on his return. Needless to say
this award goes unclaimed in this episode.
The opening shots of Don hoppin' along the street
towards the garage were spot on topic as it was raining (just
like at Wimbledon!)
Don/Kevin/Tony
Don hands Kev and Tony their 2 weeks wages and fudges the issue
when asked if he'd sorted it all out with Josie. After Don leaves
Tony grouses on about not knowing what was going on with Don.
Later, Sally also joins in. She has been to the bank and checked
the balance. They are close to going in the red if Don fails to
pay up again, so Kev girds his loins and beards Don in his den.
Don of course goes ballistic at being bothered at home and takes
the opportunity, if one were needed, to go on about Baldwin letting
the machinery be used into the ground etc. Kev offers to leave
but Don calms down and agrees to tell him what had happened that
Josie and him had split up permanently. He swears Kev to secrecy.
Fi/Liz/Max/Tony/Steve (yes, Steve, reappears)
Liz thanks Fi for agreeing to go and visit Steve in her place.
She says that Steve will open up more for Fi if she isn't there.
I don't know where this woman has the brass neck to ask Fi to
go or why Fi is actually agreeing to do it. Liz leaves some bits
and pieces for Fi to take to Steve. Later we see Fi and Steve
at the table in the visiting room (I looked closely and no conjugal
canoodling was going on in the background). He looks rough as
usual although this scene is split in two parts and the second
part he is given a different camera angle (right profile instead
of left) and he looks a bit better. He works hard at shmoozing
Fi. He's hit rock bottom he's going to change, start afresh. Oh
and by the way Vicky has filed for a divorce. Fi, astute as ever
;-), begins to feel uneasy about the way the conversation is going
and leaves early.
Alf/Rita/Mave
Alf is complaining to Rita in the Kabin about Lily Dempsey, or
SuperGran as she is fast becoming. Rita is hard put to know who
Lily Dempsey is so Alf gives her a potted history of the feud
between the Dempseys and him after Alf got made mayor in Arnold
Dempsey's place. You know, Rite, Lily Dempsey. Something about
a scandal and Arnold Dempsey's drains. Alf was adamant that he
wasn't going to give in over some widow's revenge. Mave appears
to say that Derek had found some carpet to keep his vegetable
beds cosy. What a treasure. Later Martin comes in and ribs her
about Des and a beanstalk. Rita cracks a "joke" about
Wilton carpets and Mavis is ecstatic because she had written in
the paper book the time when she predicted Rita would tell just
such a joke and she was less than an hour out.
Alma/Gail/Percy/Lily/Emily
A war committee is in session in the cafe. Lily and Percy are
geeing each other up for the coming fight. Lily has placards ready.
Emily is horrified and tries to be "a voice of reason"
but any reason is good enough for this lot to have a good barney.
"Attack, attack and keep on attacking" Lily cries, eyes
ablaze! Apparently Phyllis Pierce has told her they aren't being
militant enough. Lily tells Emily there's a placard for her and
she is much discomfited. Alma and Gail mull over the possibility
of telling Audrey that Lily does some cleaning for Alma but they
resist the temptation of a boycott.
Alf/Audrey
The Mayor and his consort are talking to each other but not listening.
Audrey is whittering on about a new sun lounger she wants to pick
up that she's seen in a magazine. Alf is going on about the fact
that the Town Hall have called and he has to greet a delegation
of Germans [see best line award]. Audrey puts her foot down and
refuses to accompany him. Later at the cafe Alma berates Audrey
for being so stubborn "You're going to have to realize that
Alf is a big man". "Oh, fat you mean", parries
Audrey. She tells Alma that she is possessed by Ivy Brennan's
ghost, forever condemning. Alma goes back to the counter and Gail
comes over. Audrey spitefully says "If it were Canadians
we were meeting we'd be killed in the rush" Gail says "Hush
mam" as usual. Alf comes in and says that he is going alone
to greet the Germans and that as he was being put upon too much
by the council he was going to resign to spend more time with
Audrey, after all they should be taking it a bit easier at their
age. Audrey is horrified and marches him off to get ready for
the delegation. "I didn't get you where you are today, Alf
Roberts, for you to resign." Is Alf getting clever?
Fi/Tony/Max
As Fi is leaving, dolled up to the nines, for her prison visit,
who should walk into the salon but Tony. She makes a lame excuse
and leaves and Max lies badly. Tony is now deeply suspicious.
Later in the Rovers he watches as Andy talks to Fi, thanking her
for visiting his brother, and is beginning to put things together.
he goes over to join the girls and tells them that he thinks Kev
is keeping something from him about Don and utters the line, dripping
with irony, "Nobody likes to be kept in the dark" .
The Corner Shop
A new sign "Maureen's Mini Market" is being screwed
in place, witnessed by Sally. In the shop Percy is trying to buy
some groceries while Maude is trying to get a rise out of him.
Well , it's a bit boring being stuck behind the counter. Curly
is in buying foot plasters and Maude lets slip that perhaps he
and Raquel won't be going to Bali for their hols after all but
going down south. This is a reference to the snippet of info that
Raquel had told Maureen earlier, in the Rovers (actually I thought
she said Barry, I wondered why Maureen mentioned grass skirts,
not much call for them at Barry Island). She had rung about the
aromatherapy course and it was very expensive. Maureen tries to
cover up for her mother and Curly leaves, perplexed. Alma comes
in to buy a bottle of sparkling rose wine (what would we do without
Lambrusco) and lets slip about Audrey and Alf being at the Town
Hall with the German delegation. Percy can't wait to get his shopping
and leave. Maude is astonished. "Aren't you going to argue
about the prices?" she asks, "I haven't got time, woman",
he replies mysteriously (for Maude, that is. We know what he's
up to!)
Raquel/Curley/a bowl of soapy water
Curly who has been climbing over rubble at the rebuilding of Firmans
warehouse (clue to new sets to be introduced ready for 4 times
a week?) is soaking his feet in the aforementioned bowl of suds.
Raquel offers to dry his foot for him and he is embarrassed. (And
this is the man who asks her to play French maids!) The phone
rings and interrupts proceedings (Emily after a book of R's).
Curly picks up a book and the missing newspaper clipping flutters
out. He asks R if she has rung. She, busying herself looking for
the book for Em, says yes but it was rather expensive. But in
that way, you know girls, the way we do when we want the DH/SO
to say "Oh go on, I'll get it for you". :-).
The Town Hall
The scene we've all been waiting for. Ranged along the front steps
of the Town Hall are the, silent (this has been a busy episode
with lots of speaking parts, the money had run out. The extras
have to be stone silent), German delegation, looking like they
had enjoyed a glass of sparking rose and some Ferrero Rochers,
and Alf and Audrey. Audrey is wearing a light green ensemble with
a hat made by the same person that makes Cilla Black's. Just as
they are posing for the official photo along come the protest
mob, otherwise known as The Olds, headed by Percy and Lily, placards
awave. Lily calls Alf a Fascist (consorting with the Germans?)
and Audrey's thin veneer of respectability crumbles spectacularly
and she begins to fishwife it (she earns the Vera Duckworth award).
Turmoil is ensuing and Alf asks the interpreter to explain to
the delegation (does she use sign language, she hasn't got a speaking
part either) that its just a local demonstration. Lily throws
an egg and gets Audrey fair and square on the chest. Hat askew
Alf tries to pull her back up the steps. CREDITS
Best line award: Alf: "We're being twinned with a town on
the Ruhr. Gripewater or some'at."
Glamour award: The interpreter on the town hall steps. She was
gorgeous. Long dark hair....
It's another morning - so that means another episode of The Street.
In Nº7, Curly is making the breakfast whilst Raquel reads
the post. She's been sent a prospectus from that well-known Institute
of Aromatherapy. "How much ?" asks Curly. "One
thousand, eight hundred and seventy five pounds - plus VAT"
replies Raquel. "It's a professional course - you can expect
to fully recoup your investment within the first 3 months".
Despite her protestations that she wants to go on holiday, Curly
realises that Raquel does want to go on the course and become
Weatherfield's answer to Anita Roddick.
Later Curly turns up at home to Raquel making an inventory for
the holiday. "Trunks - you need new trunks". Sheepishly,
Curly tells Raquel that Firman's Freezers is being completely
reorganised, and he has to memorise the barcodes of all the Instant
Whip packets, so there's no way he can go away. Raquel pulls a
face, and Curly suggests she go on her own, and then, why not
go to Maidenhead on the Aromatherapy course ? Raquel refuses for
a little longer - just to make sure, and then they kiss and agree.
Percy/That Dempsey Woman/Audreh/Alfie/TV Reporter/Bob Greaves
- yes ! THE Bob Greaves
Percy and That Woman are sat in the cafe. Percy points out the
headline in the paper which screams FORMER MAYORESS STRUCK BY
EGG ! Lily just continues knitting like Madame Guillotine. She's
just happy with the publicity, but Percy points out there's good
and bad publicity. He thinks peaceful protest is the way forward
- That Woman shuts him up by asking if that's how he got rid of
the Germans, and thinks their next course of action should be
to put the Roberts' windows through. Percy walks off, saying he's
going to apologise to Alf.
Percy rolls up at Grasmere Drive offering his apologies. Alf accepts,
but Audrey is at her vituperative best - "I've been publicly
humiliated, and a £100 suit ruined." Audrey takes Percy's
apology as an admission of guilt and tries to get Alf to fetch
the police. Percy ends up being toyed with and taunted, like a
cat playing with a semi-dead mouse. I felt quite sorry for him
in the end.
Back at The Rovers, where the whole Street meet for the lunchtime
session of "Alcoholics and Proud of It", That Woman
dangles the promise of TV coverage in front of Percy's eyes, and
before long he's outside Mayfield Court, telling the reporter
he's the spokesman. That Woman then turns up and brushes Percy
aside, and despite the fact there's a hoarde of people with cue-cards
behind him, Percy storms off. [Bill Waddington had a bad episode].
The Roberts are just finishing their tea, and Audrey's feeling
smug, knowing the mental capacity of a pensioner is so low that
this will all have been forgotten by next pension-day, when up
pops Bob Greaves (I'd have put Audrey in the Stuart Hall/Look
Northwest camp myself, but I suppose he doesn't come cheap). Bob
introduces Lily: "If they think they can walk roughshod over
us residents, they've got another think coming"....
Don/Kevin/Tony/Sally
Don takes Kevin out to lunch - at The Rovers. Tony isn't invited
and feels left out. Don starts moaning on about Josie, how she
wants to see the business fail, just to prove she was right -
but Don's having none of it. He's going to turn the place into
a little goldmine, even if he has to work 24 hours a day, just
to prove her wrong. All he needs is another partner, and Kevin
fits the bill exactly. Kevin just sees problems as he always does:
"a partnership gives you twice the agro for half the say".
If Kevin's going into the garage business, he does it on his own
- and then admits it was Sally who was far keener than him all
along. He advises Don to get a business partner - not a mechanic
with a spare bit of cash.
On the way back from lunch, Tony quizzes Kevin about the power
lunch, assuming he's in line for redundancy. Kevin tells him,
and lets Tony know he isn't interested. Five minutes later Tony
is on Don's doorstep, saying HE might be interested - and it takes
the whole of the commercial break for this to percolate into Don's
tiny brain and invite Tony in. It turns out that Tony's dad owns
Allied Carpets (Weatherfield) plc, and he's probably got £20,000
in his back pocket (so why is Tony working in a backstreet garage
?)
After work, Kevin and Tony are back in The Rovers. Conveniently,
Sally walks in as Tony leaves for Fiona's (see later), and hears
Tony say "By this time next week I might be your new boss
!" It takes Sally about 5 seconds to get the story out of
Kevin, who comes up with some pathetic excuse as to why he didn't
consult her. She knows the real reason he didn't ask is because
Sally would have said yes. As she says: "We don't want Sally
making any big decisions. She's too busy feeding the ducks and
making the tea." Sally gives him a hard stare. She knows
that ITV have found a 1988 storyline at the back of a cupboard,
and if she doesn't do something, they are going to be turned into
Brian and Gail Tilsley. Kevin just contemplates in a Kevin sort
of way. He's already got the greasy overalls, how would he look
astride a Triumph Bonneville 750 ? Perhaps he should go down to
the gym....
Alec and Joyce
Alec's looking for a new cleaner both at the office and the flat,
and asks Joyce. He asks her round for a chat - but she has to
consult her personal organiser - free with the catalogue ! Once
they've sorted out the groundrules, and Joyce has used her Percy-smarm
"Discretion is my middle name" to assure Alec that cash-in-hand
is fine, Alec pours her a half-pint of cheap Greek brandy to seal
the deal.
They start to discuss Alec's theatrical past: "In my time,
I've handled all Manchester's top acts" (ooh err missus).
He then reels off a list of the famous - Huwie Moston and his
ukulele, Rita Fairclough, Phil and Shelley Parker - Manchester's
answer to Peters & Lee, little Dicky Lynch, Mike Bland - who
would have gone far if he had changed his name, and Cliff - Leadbeater,
not Richard.
Liz/Fiona/Maxine/Tony
Liz is round at the salon trying to find out if Steve got his
conjugal rights when Fi last went round to the Strangeways Hotel.
Fi says he was looking forward to being a free man as Vicky had
served divorce papers on him. Liz gets the Argos catalogue out
to look for wedding dresses, but Fiona says that she now thinks
she has seen Steve enough, and doesn't want anyone getting the
wrong idea. Liz gets ready to tear her apart when Tony walks in
- Liz has to make her excuses and leave.
She can't leave a prospective daughter-in-law alone though, and
she's back round later in the afternoon. She tells Fiona how much
her visits mean to Steve, and Fiona has to spell it out that there's
no way she going to be waiting at the gates to play happy families
when he is released. She also hates herself for lying to Tony.
In the end Fiona decides that Steve has to stop messing up her
life, and so when Tony (on Prosac) enters the salon direct from
The Rovers "You would not believe what's been going
on over there today - I've pulled the carpet from underneath both
of them", Fiona can only confess what's been happening. Tony
becomes more than a little upset, and when she tries to defend
her actions "I only wanted to help Steve. We didn't sit there
holding hands or anything", it only makes matters worse.
Tony feels betrayed and threatened - he feels he can't even begin
to compete with Steve. "But I'm not even trying to compete
with him. If you give that slimeball even the time of day, then
you're not worth knowing". Roll credits.
Awards
A rather dull episode, where a number of plots were being developed,
but nothing came to fruition. For once, the men of The Street
had all the action, so the women all dressed down (except for
Liz, of course), so the Glamour Tiara stayed firmly in it's box.
I may have been tempted to award it to the news reporter, who
had put working-class rags in her hair specially, but as she obviously
came from Cheadle Hulme, she isn't eligible.
Alec had all the best lines, but again, unless he has to deliver
them in drag whilst playing with one of his boobs, it's all too
easy for him.
Ken tells Jelly he can't afford to keep her on as his live in
nanny any longer and she dissolves in tears. Jelly thinks Ken
is keeping the truth from her, that she's really an alien child
kidnapper in disguise. Still hoping to find someone else she can
drown with her tears, Jelly goes to see Sally who offers her (rather
small) shoulder to cry on. Jelly is still convinced Ken hasn't
told her the real reason he's sacking her but Sally assures her
that Ken wouldn't tell lies. As Ken is walking home past Sally's
house, she jumps out on the poor bloke and gives him a right earful
about sacking Jelly. Ken tells Sally that he's having financial
problems and can't afford to keep Jelly but he's too embarrassed
to tell Kelly the full details as she is an old school pupil of
his. Wanting to interfere further into other people's business
'cos she's got nothing else to do, Sally relays all of this to
Kevin who just isn't interested at all. They end up arguing when
Sally tells Kev she wants more out of life than her house and
her family and blames Kevin for the fact that she hasn't had any
decent lines for years. "Get back to the kitchen, little
wifee, and make my dinner" roars Kevin as he swings his caveman
club around.
Fiona / Tony / Maxine / Liz / Jim
Tony is still furious with Fiona that she's been visiting Steve.
Maxine rings Tony at the garage and tells him to talk to Fiona
if he wants to patch things up between them. Tony turns up at
the salon to talk to Fiona but she isn't interested in hearing
what he has to say and wonders why he came at all. When Maxine
admits it was her that rang Tony, Fiona is furious, and so is
Tony who walks out of the salon calling Maxine "cotton-wool
brains". Who should be having their hair done while this
argument is going on? Liz McDonald is sitting in the salon having
her candy floss hair sugared to perfection. She's hoping that
if Fiona and Tony do break up, that Fiona will have more time
for visiting Steve. Liz tells Jim she's interested in buying his
share of the house. Added to the £4,500 his mother left
him in her will, this should make Jim have a bob or two in his
pocket, money he tells Bill he wants to invest in the business.
Don / Tony
Tony's dad wants to see the financial books for the garage, which
Don hands over, before he lends Tony the money to buy into the
garage. Don is like a dog with a bone thinking about the money
Tony will be giving him, he's not at all interested in taking
on a partner, just wants the money. His tongue is hanging out
and he sweats every time he sees Tony, his meal ticket. (Mind
you, I'd be the same if I was in the same room as Tony, specially
if he was wearing that tight black t-shirt).
Alf / Audreh / Supergran Dempsey
Alf is happy the whole Mayfield Court saga is behind him but Audreh
wants recognition for Alf at any cost. The Chairman of the Planning
Committee of Weatherfield Council comes round to Alf and Audreh's
house to apologise for the fray over Mayfield Court. "Does
this mean you're taking full responsibility for everything that
happened?" asks Audreh "If so, who do I see about getting
a new suit?". The Chairman of the Committee tells Alf that
the Council wants to do something to honour his contribution to
the community and instead of renaming Mayfield Court, Alf can
have any Street in Weatherfield re-named after him, and of course,
Alf chooses the place he's been most happy, Coronation Street!.
Audreh and Supergran Dempsey have a row in the corner shop and
Supergran tells Audreh that things are far from over, so I guess
this means they'll start another war to stop Coronation Street
being renamed Alf Roberts Street. Actually, I'll probably join
in!
Credits
Best line: When Jelly told Ashley that she'd be moving out of
Ken's house and back in with her parents, Ashley moans that he
won't be able to stay overnight. "I've just lost my job"
she blubbers "and all you can do is think about is rumpy-pumpy".
Glamour Tiara Award: This stayed firmly in its box in this episode.
However, I was tempted to award it to Jelly who looked like she
was wearing one of Ken's tea towels. Paul Baker would never forgive
me if I did, so I didn't.
Sally appeared to be decidedly pre-menstrual and kept
yelling at Rosie and Sophie, because she was dissatisfied with
life as an ordinary wife and mum living with Mr Nice-Guy-with-no-ambition-Kevin.
He offered to take her out for a meal and she snapped that he
couldn't placate her with a treat like one of the children. Rita
saw Sally moaning at Rosie and suggested they should have a heart-to-heart
over a coffee. Sally confessed her sudden attack of boredom and
said she wanted to spend more time away from Coronation Street
and needed to go out to work for stimulation.
Sally got dressed up in a beige power suit and went to see Baldwin
about a job. He was sexist about her child-care arrangements and
said she was too good for his factory, but offered her a job anyway.
When she tried to tell Kev the 'good news' he was too busy with
his own problems and shooed her away, which was why he later learned
the 'glad tidings' from Baldwin at the Rovers later on.
Alf had previously said he wanted Coronation Street named after
him instead of Mayfield Court. Audrey, being her usual snooty
self, said Coronation Street was a 'tatty little back street'
and suggested there would be trouble from the residents over the
proposed new name. Lily Dempsey saw Emily in The Rovers and was
cock-a-hoot that the council had backed down over Mayfield Court.
Jack suggested The Rovers could be re-named 'Duckworth Arms'.
Rita, Emily and Audrey were chatting in The Rovers and Audrey
invited them to a 'special do' next Weds and confided that Alf
would be announcing the street to be named after him ...... Coronation
Street!
Kevin told Don he didn't fancy having his assistant Tony as his
new boss and was considering looking for work elsewhere. However,
Tony's father wouldn't come up with the money after seeing the
books and Don got more paranoid than usual and was very rude to
Tony who walked out.
Maxine admitted to Fiona that she grieved longer over a broken
fingernail than a broken heart and thought Tony was a good bloke
really. Jack accused Liz of joining the Salvation Army because
she was wearing demure clothes for an interview about a mortgage.
Liz admitted that they were borrowed from Deirdre. Fiona decided
to go and see Steve, but when she got there she told him she wouldn't
be going again. Maxine then told Tony that Fiona would not be
seeing Steve again.
Prize-giving:
Runner up for worst insult: Rita to Sally "Well if you want
a PROPER job" !!!
Worst insult: Audrey to Rita and Emily (two of Coronation Street's
longest standing residents) "Why he had to pick a little
backstreet when he could've had somewhere decent - you know it
just beats me" (Tactless or what?!)
Best dressed men: the prisoners who looked like they were about
to play netball in red team-tops!
Prize for worst dressed female: a tie between Rita and her blue
plastic bead necklace and earrings which didn't match the rest
of her outfit, and Sally who was wearing a pink shirt with hideously
printed leggings which didn't match.
It falls on me to be the last of the Paul Baker stand-ins (I think).
I hope you find it up to the same fine standard of all the others.
I don't know if Mike is still around or if he's gone on holiday
now, so just in case he has, on his behalf I'd like to say a big
thankyou to all the stand-ins for their brilliant efforts over
these two weeks, and also to Paul Baker, hurry up back. It's hard
work!!
Alf/Audreh/More eggs
Alf and Audreh are having breakfast, over a never-before-seen
(on screen, that is) map of Weatherfield, with Audreh's red-nailed,
much-ringed hand pointing out Coronation Street. They discuss
what it could be called (besides Alf Roberts, of course), and
when 'Circus' is mentioned (as in Piccadilly), Audreh says "Well,
theh wouldn't have far to look for the clown". As if to prove
her right, Alf chucks most of his chuckie-egg down his tie. My
guess is Sue Nichols and Brian Moseley are about to appear in
adverts for a dry-cleaners. Later, after Alf has been to see the
man at the council, he tells Audrey that it's all settled. He
still wants it to be Coronation Street that gets renamed, but
instead of "Alf Roberts Street", it's going to be "Alfred
Roberts Place". Audreh likes it - 'Place' has a nice ring
to it.
Kevin/Sally/Don/Tony/MVB Motors/The Bank
Kevin is still doing his "I'm the breadwinner, you're the
little lady at home" bit. Miraculously, though, he seems
to have changed his mind about a partnership with Don - and it
has *nothing* to do with Sally getting off her pert little bum
and getting a job - honest! In the meantime, Tony has decided
he likes singing "You can't get better than a Kwik-Fit fitter"
and wants to be one, so Kev gives him his P45. As he leaves, he
passes Maxine in the street (something *I* wouldn't do) who gives
him a hard time. Little does she know what he'll be giving her
later.... Don is desperate (wouldn't you be, having to utter lines
like "I'm a taxi driver, I don't know nowt about mechanics!")
without Tony and he and Kevin are trying to find a replacement.
Kevin tells Don he's now interested in a partnership, and tries
to drive a hard bargain. The proposition is that he'll join MVB
Motors, provided Don invests 10 grand into the business. (Surely
if Don had 10 grand, he wouldn't need a partner?) Still, Don hobbles
off to the bank to try to get the money. Unfortunately, the bank
manager has other ideas. Don tells the manager "Oh yes, I'm
confident about the way things are moving forward." But after
he mumbles and fumbles through a few answers to the manager's
questions, it becomes apparent that the manager doesn't share
that confidence. When he finds that 'Mrs. Clarke' is no longer
involved, and that Don is considering 'Mr. Webster' as a partner,
he shoots off and has a chat with another official. When he returns,
he causes Don to say "You can't drop *that* on me!!"
by telling him that not only can he not have ten grand, he now
has seven days to repay the six grand that he borrowed three months
ago, otherwise ".... it's the receiver!" Meanwhile,
Kev comes home from work, and opens a bottle of wine to celebrate
his partnership with Don. Oh dear, I can just see his face when
he finds out that not only is there no partnership, there's probably
no job either! (And he's still mithering Sally not to take *her*
job).
Andy/Anne/Maxine/Curly/Curly's mobile phone (/and later,Tony)
This unlikely combination are off for a night out in a nightclub,
and call in at Liz's 'The Hour Glass' wine bar first. (It's said
that it was named after Liz's figure, but surely that would have
been "The Rake"?) Curly's on the phone to Rackle, who's
in Maidenhead on her course, saying how much he loves her, etc.
Anne says "It's a funny way to start a family". Andy
reposts "I think they're going to start doing it by post",
to which Anne quips wittily "Well I hope it comes first class!"
I dare say no more .... Jim walks in with Bill, and immediately
gives Andy 'a score' (£20) for a round of drinks. Andy says,
in effect, that as they are off to a nightclub, it won't be enough,
so Jim gives him another thirty just to get rid of him. Jim wants
to talk about 'the hoyse' with Liz, so it is. They decide to sell
it, as Liz is struggling to get a mortgage. Perhaps she should
have listened to Jack and worn a mini-skirt when she went to the
building society! A little later, at the nightclub, Curly, much
the worse for wear, tells Andy that Maidenhead is to aromatherapy
what Oxford is to Greek literature. (????) Anyway, Tony turns
up, even though he said he wouldn't. Maxine has obviously 'set
her cap' at him, and soon drags him out the back (and down to
her level), and ....... [censored on the grounds of public decency].
At The Kabin
Rita, sporting a necklace of linked-together Glacier Mints, admits
to Emily that she's told several people, including Jack (so now
the world and his dog know), about the renaming of the Street.
Audreh comes in and (get this !!) says that it really *mustn't*
get out until the official announcement. OOPS! Sally comes in,
in all her innocence, and says she has some 'good news'. Audreh
says "Congratulations" and looks at Sally's tummy. When
Sally says "Ner, Audrey, not that! A've gorra job from Mike
Baldwin," they lose interest and start talking about something
else.
Ken/Kelly/Tony Turnip
Kelly is playing with Daniel, Rersie and Tony Turnip (a finger
puppet with more acting ability than some of the cast). When Ken
comes in, glum faced that he's sacked her but she won't go, she
tells him that Sally has a job, and will contribute to the housekeeping
(Ken's housekeeping!) which means that she (Kelly) can keep *her*
job. Ken is overjoyed, and when Sally arrives, tells her so. He
then commiserates with her when he finds out her job is at Baldwin's.
She says "Well, Mike will soon have most of 'Alf Roberts
Street' working for him.". Ken is amazed to find it is common
knowledge (about the name, not everyone working for Baldwin).
Some time later, Alf turns up at Ken's to ask him to a 'do' next
Wednesday. He's very cagey about the subject of this do, so Ken
(who, like everyone else, already knows) kids him along a bit.
"I know, Alf. Your name's going to appear up at the end of
the Street." "Has someone been talking?" queries
Alf. Ken jokes "You've bought back the corner shop, and you've
got the signs ready to go up!" Poor Alf.
The Hairdressers/Jim's Cafe
First, the boring bit. Fiona is talking to Steve McDonald on the
phone. He's trying to get her to visit him again, but she refuses.
Good. She also told Maxine she'd never get back with Tony, either.
There's trouble brewing here. Now the best bit. Sir Royston (Yes!!!
I was hoping he'd be in my update episode) is talking in the background
to Maxine. Luckily, Fiona wasn't too loud on the phone, so after
forty-seven rewinds of the tape, here's how it went: Sir Roy:
".... made in the USA. It's in a blue and white tub, about
that size. It contains petroleum jelly and coconut oil - very
beneficial to the scalp." Maxine: "Have you tried a
chemist?" Sir Roy: "Yes, but apparently, it's only available
to the trade. I've tried making me own, but it's not economical
on a small scale, what with the price of petrol - and coconuts
aren't two-a-penny!" I hereby invite suggestions of what
it was he wanted ......
Later, he was in the cafe. "Hairdressers? I never use 'em.
I've got this ingenious device. To the casual observer, ......."
[he goes on to describe a comb-like device that you used to see
advertised in Sunday newspapers in the seventies]. When Alma looks
at his hair, and asks him when he last used this device, he says
"Ah! Unfortunately, I lost the blade ..." He then mentions
the fact that "I've got a boxful of gadgets at home. I can
mend me own saucepans..."
AWARDS
Best Line: The top two places were both taken by Jack.
Runner-up: Ken had occasion to make a little joke to Jack about
the stone cladding on Jack's previous abode. Jack replied "You
see! You do your best for the environment, and all you get is
insults!"
Winner: Sir Roy was talking to Jack about the renaming of the
Street. Sir Roy commented "He [Alf] will be remembered for
a hundred years - look at Hadrian." Jack's reply was "Very
true, yeah, and he only had a wall!".
Glamour Tiara: As it hasn't been out of the box much of late,
I though I'd dust it off and award it to someone who isn't likely
to get much else in the foreseeable future. For the suit and tie
he wore to the bank (now with tear stains), the Tiara goes to
... Don Brennan.
The Paul Calter Special Thankyou Award goes to Sir Roy, for honouring
me with an appearance in my review episode.
The impossible I do at once - the miracles take
longer... Given one knackered video and 2 tellies with colour
problems (one too light, one too dark)..and then the train was
late and I nearly missed it (this is the last time I volunteer,
mutter, mutter....)
Anyway here goes:
Opening shots, the usual pigeons etc, then the milk float - and
who's this coming home with the milk in the morning?
Tony/Maxine/Fiona
Tony drops Maxine off while reminiscing about a girl he used to
fancy. When Max tries to rush off he complains "You've had
yer wicked way with me,and now you don't respect me!" Max
explains she doesn't want to be seen by Fi.
Later, Max finds Tony in the pub and accuses him of only seeing
her to get at Fi. She tells him to forget it and flounces off
as if she means it.
That night Fi takes Max to the Rovers and tells her she's had
a face as long as an ironing board all day. Max blames it on men
and they agree they are both going into a convent. Fi confesses
she's missing Tony, but reckons she could get him back.
Max meets Tony from work and tells him she thinks that he and
Fi are missing each other and they could get back together. "Could,
not should" she says and kisses him herself. "You know
what I want" says he, kissing her back.
The Mallett Household
Judy is browsing through a catalogue (surprise surprise). She
wants an intellligent toaster (Gary: "Like it fills in yer
tax returns?") He wants to look at the catalogue, saying
"Most of what I know about women came from the underwear
section of me mum's catalogue" [and a random sample of the
males in my household prove the universality of this remark -
ed.] Now she's after a mobile phone - for security purposes of
course - and an automatic pet feeder. Gary doesn't want to see
any more catalogues and won't take any more deliveries.
Later in the pub, Judy relates the underwear catalogue story to
Mavis, winding her up something rotten about whether there were
catalogues when she was little, and rationing.... and Derek turns
up in mid conversation and says happily that he used to get very
excited when the new edition arrived.
So the delivery van pulls up outside the Malletts', and Gary signs
forthe delivery unseen (what a berk!) and is gobsmacked to be
presented with a flatpack conservatory....
Can Judy talk her way out of this? Well, between her and her mother
they confuse Gary enough to divert him into almost believing she
won it. And they haven't evem got a garden. Ida/Tricia/the girls
at the sweatshop
Ida starts banging on to Trash about taking on unskilled labour
when there are experienced staff on the job market. Trash gets
in a quick plug for government retraining before Sally turns up.
Ida then goes nice as pie to Sally but has to remind her "We
call him Baldwin. Not Mister."
Later, and hard at work(!) Sally starts talking about the cute
things that her kids do. Trash wants to get away from that sort
of thing, but Ida and the girls go all sentimental and want to
hear more.
Gail/Alma/Martin/Nick
Some chat about the re-naming. Martin suggests renaming Weatherfield
to Robertsville. Gail thinks Alf's not worthy of the honour. "I
mean, what's Alf ever done?" Alma: "He married your
mother!"
Nick wants to go skating but can't wheedle a fiver out of Martin.
Martin says he'll give him a fiver if he can find a girls' name
that doesn't appear in a song. Nick happens on Kevin and asks
him about songs for various girls' names (Rosie, Sally, Josie
- supply your own songs) To shut him up, Kevin tells him to get
into some overalls and help him out in the garage and he'll pay
him. It doesn't shut him up, though, but he ends up with a tenner.
He's still trying to win the fiver for the song from Martin, though,
and comes up with Bianca.
CLASSIC LINE: "Bianca... there can't be one about Bianca,
I mean, nothing rhymes with it, nothing nice, anyway..."
Martin promptly starts singing "Happy birthday dear Bianca....."
Kev/Sally/Kelly/Don (what a mixture!)
Kev and Sal set off for work, Kev having thoroughly briefed Kelly
on all the kids' little foibles. While he's being neurotic, Sally
just tells him that Kelly will cope (Yes, but can he?)
When Don finally shows at the garage, he tells Kevin he's still
waiting to hear from the bank. Kevin says it needs sorting and
Don waddles off hastily - to the pub.
Kelly shows up at the garage at ten past five. It's time for her
to knock off and Sally's not back yet. She dumps the kids on Kevin
and leaves. Kev takes the kids to the cafe for their tea. Sal
finds them there and says the girls have asked her to the pub
to celebrate her first day. But Kev turns the kids over to her
and rushes back to finish up at work and try to see Don.
He does eventually pin Don down and drags him back to the garage.
Don's brain cell has had a new idea - why doesn't Kevin buy into
the business? But Kev thinks the business is a joke and very nearly
tells Don where to stick it.
Meanwhile Sal has dumped her kids on Gail and tries to take Kev
out for a drink. But he is depressed - and this is the last straw
for him, when he was rowing with Don he kicked the customer's
car and the man is sure to notice. Sally realises that things
are serious (what a girl!) Kev wails "It could have been
ours, we could have made it work" They move off disconsolately
into the credits, with Sal cooing "We'll still be us....."
All awards this ep go to the scriptwriter, Frank Cottrill Boyce,
for at least 4 LOLs from me, one of the oldest gags in the book
(poor Nick) and Alec and Jack's meanderings about barmaids and
variety acts.
And was that mention of Bianca a cross-reference to another well
known soap? I think we should be told.
Wednesday 17 July
Alec/Jack/Joyce/Samantha
Joyce is having a hoover in Alec's flat, while Alec entertains,
or rather, is entertained by "Pam the Paper-tearer"
(see awards), a not very good performance artiste. Joyce tells
Alec that "acts" like Pam are all the rage in the pubs
she goes and that Alec should go ahead with his plan to have a
talent night in the Rovers.
Alec mentions the idea to Jack who is not very enthusiastic, but
Joyce suggests that Alec butters Jack up by telling him that he
can have his own spot and that Vince Sinclair can live again!
I have decided that Joyce is the devil. Alec makes the suggestion,
and Jack agrees to it, seeing the chance of stardom.
Meanwhile, a sultry stranger saunters into the Rovers and oh dear,
she's wearing a tan and bronzer and I bet you that if I
let her use my comb it would come back filthy. Apparently her
name is Samantha and she tells Jack that she hears that there's
a job going for glamourous bar-maids. Jack can't wait to hire
her, but Samantha plays it cool until she hears Betty being abusive
to Jack and then she decides that the Rovers is the place for
her. For our non-UK readers, think of an amalgamation of Tanya
and Maxine and you have an idea of what Samantha is like.
Mallets/Emily/Roy
Gary is wearing a vest and that chunky gold necklace so it must
mean he's decided to install the conservatory in their backyard.
Roy Cropper hears drilling and stops by to offer advice. It turns
out that there are all sorts of things wrong with the conservatory
plan - the backyard is not big enough, it gets no sun, and then
Emily Bishop appears and giggling manically to herself, tells
Gary that the last person who drilled in Coronation Street managed
to demolish their house as it was built on a mine shaft. Gary
gives up, causing the obligitary "funny" row between
Judy and himself when she returns. "I'm off t' Bingo,"
she tells him. "Shurrup!" Gary decides to try to sell
the conservatory to the Wilts.
Platts/Garage
Nicky has enjoyed helping at the garage so much that Don offers
him a job there for the rest of the holidays. There is a lot of
waffle about Nicky "following in his Dad's footsteps"
(I DO hope so) and then Don suddenly gets the crafty idea to make
Nicky his partner and take "ten grand" from him to replace
all the faulty equipment. Naturally, Gail and Martin are furious
and Martin and Kevin have a "Who Can Blame Don Most"
argument, resulting in Kevin agreeing to have a word with Nicky
about the pitfalls of having anything to do with Don. Kevin soon
puts Nicky off the whole idea, and then Martin goes to see Don
and disavows (I saw Mission Impossible last night and "disavow"
is my new word) him from their family forever. As Nicky would
say - "Ace".
Alf/Audrey/etc
Derek is pleased that Coronation Street is going to be renamed
Alf Roberts Place - as it means that everyone will need new note-paper.
Nobody else is very impressed with it, and Alf makes a big thing
of how pleased he is that Audrey has kept it all a secret.
At the party in the nice living-room, it seems that Alf has invited
the most middle-class members of the cast along - the Wiltons,
Rita, Maureen, Fiona, Ken, Emily, Gail (well she had to be there
because she's family). Alf makes his speech about the name change
and Ken says it "stinks" and then everyone else swears
too. Alf is a bit shocked, especially when he finds out that everyone
already knew - Rita hangs her head in shame. But Audrey is defiant
and says that everyone will have to lump it and "Alf Roberts
Place is here to stay!" I don't think it is though. Credits.
Awards
Glamour Tiara
Sorry Samantha, I said Glamour, not tack - this episode, Pam the
Paper Tearer wins hands down, with a stunning emsemble consisting
of a glittery, spangly "show-business" costume, topped
with a a gorgeous mop of white hair. Not only was she well-dressed,
but she tap-danced, sang and made little paper figures. This woman
should be on posters in hospital waiting rooms the world over,
as an example.
Best line: Audrey, not so much a line as a noise. "Mhwah"
happened several times as hostess Audrey planted a number of very
obvious and fake kisses on various people's cheeks at the party.
Friday 19 July
Audreh/Emily/Platts/Rita
We're in the cafe and Audreh is complaining to Emily about how
it's a disgrace that no-one realises how much time and effort
Alf has put into the community. "Without any thought of a
reward," says Emily bitterly (having nothing to do all day
means that she has plenty of time to think up these put-downs).
Audrey goes on and on, and then insults Emily further by calling
her "Emilah". Emily is having none of this and tells
Audrey to leave her alone and let her finish her cream bun in
peace. Audrey is about to respond with a hurt squawk but Gail
raises that warning finger and silences her.
Meanwhile, the Platts are about to go on some awful holiday and
understandably Nicky doesn't want to go with them. There are gratuitous
displays of bad-acting as Nicky and Sarah-Lou vie for the title
of worst Child-Actor. Audrey tells Gail that she will keep an
eye on Nicky, so Gail relents but says "no parties."
When Martin arrives home he is not pleased - why would he want
to spend any time with that dull child? And he is further enraged
to discover that Audrey is to care for Nicky. "Couldn't we
find someone a bit more responsible," he complains, but Audrey
still has a few witchcraft powers left over from her early days
on Rentaghost and immediately appears as if by magic to make Martin
stammer and blush in disgrace. It is all he can do to thank her
for agreeing to look after Nicky and then escape. "That's
allright Martin," Audrey bubbles. "Ahm trying to be
a bit more responsible. Now then Nicky, where do they keep the
gin?"
News of Emily's attack on Audrey has reached Rita who has to ask
about it, prompting Emily into a long speech about how she has
been in Coronation Street for the longest (except for Ken) and
she has never felt as if she's "fitted in." Rita offers
words of consolation but we sense that Emily can never, ever be
consoled.
Derek/Mavis/Des
Mavis and Derek are in their garden again which must mean that
Des is about to loiter over the wall and tell them something which
will destroy their delicate grasp on stability. "I'm getting
an allotment," he announces, "It will come right up
to your wall." Mavis pulls her tormented face. "It's
not very big is it?" she twists. "Yes it is, ha ha ha!"
says Des. He later tells Gary Mallet that he has managed to sell
the allotment to the Wiltons.
[I think Paul means 'conservatory' when he says 'allotment' -
Graham]
Fiona/Maxine
Maxine is having a new emotion - guilt. She knows that Fiona would
like to get back with Tony, but she wants him all to herself.
An anguished day in the salon follows, and then Fiona announces
that she's off to see Tony. Maxine decides to have it out and
wails "We never meant any harm in it." Fiona realises
exactly what's going on and can barely contain her rage. Instead
she smiles a dangerous smile and flounces off leaving Maxine looking
as if she would like to cry, if only she had tearducts.
Don/Mike/Kevin
The bank have taken away Don's garage from him - and several men
in suits are round, measuring things. Don moans but the bank people
tell him that he's been a fool and he should have paid the £1000
to have an accountant go over the books before he bought the garage
in the first place. Realising that it's the end, Don goes to the
pub and decides to get drunk. To show that he means business he
slams his money onto the counter and demands that Jack serve him.
Meanwhile, Sally, Ida and Trash are celebrating with their pay-packets.
Ida can't decide whether or not to get blonde highlights in her
wig, and Trish is torn between blowing the lot (£37.89)
on lottery tickets or just drinking it all at the Rovers. The
temptation to corrupt Sally Webster is too strong, and so the
three go off to have a drink.
But Don has just told Kevin to take his spanners home as neither
him nor his tools will be needed. Kevin is gutted, and rushes
to the Rovers to give the bad news to Sally. "We'll need
all our pennies now Sally," he gripes. They leave, which
is a shame because they miss the big scene.
Mike and Alma are having a celebratory drink because they're rich
when Don staggers drunkenly through the door. "You!"
he screams. "It's all your fault they took my garage off
me! You're a con man and a crook!" (to add further insult,
the bank has had all the locks changed on the garage). The Rovers
goes dead silent. Betty makes Judy go and fetch Jack (she won't
go herself and miss out on the fun though). Mike responds to Don's
insults with much better ones. "You're a wally you are, I
knew it when I sold you that garage, and now you know it too.
"Rrrrarrrgggh!" squeaks Don, almost rivalling Jim McDonald
in drunken grunting, and he tries to hit Mike, who ducks out of
the way. Then Mike punches Don and sends him to the ground. Jack
arrives and throws Don out (what about throwing Mike out too?)
To emphasise how lonely and broken Don is, the camera pans right
back and up into the sky - we are suddenly looking at Don as if
he is an insect on the ground. "Waaaaahhhhhhh!" Don
cries. Credits.
Awards
Best line: Mavis shows that when it comes to social issues she's
got her finger right on the pulse. "Hhhhuh, that allotment,
Des Barnes will only use it to grow cannabis in."
Monday 22 July
What were they playing at? Almost every member of the cast was
in this episode and they all got about 5 seconds of air-time each...
Don/repercussions
Don spends the episode dragging himself round the hot-spots of
Coronation Street, trying to get a reaction out of everyone. He's
waylaid by Derek in the Kabin who wants to know if he has finished
with his car yet. A new career as a martyr opens up before Don's
eyes and he starts babbling about how the garage is now nothing
more to do with him, and then flees before buying a newspaper.
Next stop is Kevin's doorstep - Kevin must have been pulling faces
when the wind changed because he now resembles a twisted rat.
"You'll get no sympathy here Don," Kevin says, but luckily
here's Bill Webster to put his foot in it ("at least he's
got one" as Don would say) and make comments about how the
garage won't run itself. Gleefully Don explains that it's all
over for him.
The cafe is later treated to Don's whining and self-pity as Don
makes an entrance, causing Alma to say "I'll serve you but
I don't want any trouble." But Mike Baldwin comes in, prompting
Don to say "Hit me again! Hit a man with one leg!!!"
and tell Nicky that his grandfather's a loser and he's lucky to
have never invested in the garage. Once Don has gone, Mike repeats
all this to Nicky, just so there can be no doubt of the fact and
I think even Kelly and Ashely would have got the message by now
had they been in this episode.
Derek/Mavis/Des/Claire
The Wilts have invited Des round for a glass of cheap wine and
to get him to let them have the conservatory instead. They whitter
on for ages, but something must be wrong because Des can't even
see the funny side of it any more.
Could it be to do with the fact that he's invited Claire on holiday
and she's said that they always go with their parents? I'm profoundly
sick of the pair of them.
Steve/Maxine/Fiona
Fiona has been treating Maxine badly all day at work (doesn't
she always do this?) Tony offers to have a word with her, but
Maxine says "no don't" and consoles herself by deciding
to enter the talent night contest on Friday night, sensing an
opportunity for another piece of story-line.
Meanwhile, Steve McDonald phones Fiona from the prison and pesters
her. She hangs up on him.
Joyce/Alec
Joyce has her manipulation hooks sunk deeply into Alec's little
back now and they exchange a clutch of compliments which are all
just untrue. "You're a very fit woman," says Alec. "If
you lost a few pounds you could be an Adonis," says Joyce.
Jim/Bill/Liz/Drear
Liz is in a mood because she has to work and some people are coming
round to view the house (and I only hope they've draped a huge
blanket over all of it because anybody who gets a look inside
will just run off screaming). Dreary tells Liz to bake bread,
but receives a quizzical look. "Tell you what," says
the Drear. "If you sell it quickly, you can come and live
with me." "Whatever," says Liz.
Jim has got some inheritance money from his mother and it's either
£4,000 or £40,000, but the way he was acting you'd
think he'd got 7 numbers on the lottery or something. Bill, realising
that Don's garage has folded is full of hints for Jim to invest
- but it's all done so subtly that I couldn't work out if Bill
actually wanted Jim to invest in the garage or not. "I've
only just got this money so I have," says Jim, not wanting
to spend it all straight away. And to prove this point, he goes
and offers to buy Liz's house from her with the inheritance money.
The camera does an (unnecessary) close-up on Liz's face and it
has quite honestly never looked so tired and wizened and depressing.
Since Josie got on her broomstick and flew away the producers
must have let the evil YTS hair-stylist loose on Liz because her
perm looked so tight that bits of it were in danger of falling
out. Liz realises that if she sells her house to Jim then he will
have "won" and she'll have to go and live with Dreary,
probably forever. Credits.
Awards:
Best scene: Audrey trying to be responsible and looking after
Nicky. It reminded me of Jennifer Saunders in Absolutely Fabulous.
Picking up a Coke can after him was inspired writing.
Best line: Gary Mallet - "Mega!!"
Anti-Glamour Award
It's thin pickings on glam at the moment in the Street - I suppose
it's the "silly season" and the usual people employed
behind the scenes at CS who are supposed to "pretty up"
the actors/actresses are off in Ibiza and Fire Island, and they've
just left a big box of last season's left-overs and told the members
of the cast to fight it out amongst themselves. For this reason,
I've decided to abandon the Glamour Tiara for a while, until this
embargo is over, and concentrate on the next best thing - anti-glamour...
This episode saw several contenders - Gary Mallet - has anyone
else noticed that he actually has sweaty hair? It's true.
I bet it stinks. Also, as noted earlier - Liz McDonald is not
looking her best at the moment, (here's a tip Liz - wash the mud-pack
off next time). But the prize goes to Steve McDonald who
is looking the worse for wear for being in prison. He must have
been at Alma's black eye-shadow, because his eyes were just little
hollows, surrounded by darkness and his hair had chip-fat oil
dripping from it. As he angrily stomped off down the corridor
after being rejected by Fiona he pushed past some other inmates.
Once they would have called out something like "We'll get
you in the showers tonight Pretty Boy," but now they just
ignored him. Steve will have no trouble keeping his hand on his
ha-penny from now on in prison.
Wednesday 24 July
Samantha/Jack/Vera/Mallets
Vera has decided to let Samantha stay on at the Rovers, despite
not approving of Jack's choice. Vera tells her that she's in charge,
not Jack, and then Jack says that he's in charge. Samantha gets
all confused, and decides to ask Judy Mallet (who isn't very pleased
because Gary's "eyeing" her up and making a lot of "oo-er"
comments that probably would have been rejected by Sid James in
Carry on Matron). Judy tells Samantha that Vera's in charge, which
isn't very nice because we all know it's really Betty who cracks
the whip there.
Tony/Fiona/Maxine/McDonalds
Jim and Liz have a "secret" meeting in the cafe to talk
about him wanting to buy her house - dire wallpaper and all. Liz
isn't very happy about it and tells him so. "You can't stand
the fact that I've won," says Jim.
Tony calls for Fiona, she isn't going to let him in - but in a
characteristic moment she changes her mind. "Don't sack Maxine,"
begs Tony. Fiona looks catty and says that if she does it will
have nothing to do with him anyway. But later she tells Maxine
that she can keep her job and will only sack her if she treats
Tony badly(!) Then she says that she never really cared much about
Steve or Tony and she's going to be a nun and join a convent (and
I'm not making this up.)
Then Liz appears and tells Fiona that Steve's been "badly
beaten" and will Fiona go and see him in the prison hospital.
Fiona refuses and Liz pulls a face and says "Nurr!"
and didn't this happen about three weeks ago?
At the hospital, Steve is in a bed and it looks as if Liz has
been putting on his make-up for him because those familiar purples,
blacks and yellows have made a reapperance. "What happened
Steve?" moans Liz. "Oo Did this to yer?" Steve
says that a fellow inmate was "doing his head in" which
is a phrase that I thought went out of fashion in the northwest
in about 1992 but I was wrong. Anyway, Steve picked a fight with
this man and came off worse. Jim arrives and is proud that Steve
resembles his father (ie is mad). Then the drugs (irony!) get
to Prison-Boy and he goes to sleep allowing Liz a chance to say
that Steve only got into the fight in order to lure Fiona into
the prison on a mercy mission. "But she's stronger than he
thinks," Liz rasps.
Wiltons/Mallets
The Mallets are going to put up the con-serrrv-aTerry in the Wilton's
garden, giving Judy a chance to show off her huge arms and honk
like a big old duck. Gary is the supervisor which means that he
tells Judy what to do. The Wiltons are on their best behaviour,
secretly finding the Mallets to be fascinating (and probably a
bit sexy - urrgh) so they allow them the run of the house to make
tea etc.
When Mavis returns (hoping for a glance of Gary Mallet's underarm
hair) she is upset to find out that Derek's prize turnip has been
dug up and is now in little pieces. Judy goes "Gack Gack
Gack!" and Mavis pulls the best wintery smile she can muster.
When Derek returns he has to make light of it all too - as the
excitement of the conservatory puts everything else into perspective.
Joyce/Alec
Madam Manipulation has further ingratiated herself into Alec's
life by doing his shopping and cooking him a meal. This is much
better than the way she won over Percy and Vera and I'm surprised
that Alec isn't proposing marriage at this point.
Trash/Des/Claire
Trash calls to see Des and wants help in tracking down Terry.
At first Des is reluctant, but Trash breaks down and says that
she is pregnant - so Des offers to help. He gets the address from
the Ortons and then offers to drive Trash to Sheffield.
In the Rovers Claire tells Des that she told her in-laws that
she wasn't going on holiday with them, and they weren't very happy.
Then Trash arrives for her lift to Sheffield and Claire looks
her up and down. Des explains that he's doing a good deed.
We're now at Sheffield on some awful high-rise estate. Trash knocks
on a door and an embittered looking woman answers and says she
hasn't seen Terry in months and she'd like the £1800 back
that he borrowed from her. Trash says "Oh". The door
slams and Trash clatters off down the street - the camera lingers
on her back view for a lengthy amount of time. Credits.
Award:
Anti-Glamour: She may never be allowed in spitting distance of
the Glamour Tiara (because she'd spit on it) but for Trash, the
Anti-Glamour award embraces her with open arms. No wonder that
Claire's eyes nearly popped out of her head when she saw Trash
in the Rovers. She'd "dolled" herself up and taken nearly
every accessory from the Coronation Street Dressing Up Box that
she could lay her sharp little claws on. It was nice to see a
good big pair of white stilletto heels again. All this ensemble
needed was a car, crawling along the kerb next to her, which would
complete the picture.
Friday 26 July
Liz/Fiona/Maxine
Liz McDonald drags herself into the salon and surprisingly it's
not to beg Fiona to scrape off all the skin on her face and start
again, but to tell her that Steve is in a "bad way"
after getting beaten up and that he needs Fiona to get through
it all. Fiona tells Liz that she hopes Steve is OK but she's not
going to ruin her life over him. Meanwhile Maxine is trying to
emulate Liz by wearing a green face-mask. The horror is too much
and the director squeals "Cut!"
Audreh/Nicky
Audrey is visiting Nicky again, although Plank-Boy is not at all
happy with her interfering ways. He tells Audrey to go away and
Audrey is outraged and says "I'll tell your mother about
your rudeness Nickeh! You're getting more like your father every
day!" Nicky says he doesn't care so Audreh flounces off.
Later, we see Nicky, having packed all his possessions into a
handkerchief which is tied to a stick. He posts his key through
the front door and wanders off beyond the limits of Coronation
Street (and hopefully out of our lives forever.)
Wilts/Rita/Mallets/Des
The conserrrrvaterry is now complete and it looks very nice so
the Wilts throw a party, inviting the few people who can stand
them to come and drink champagne. Soon Rita, Des and the Mallets
are there and Derek pours champagne (into cheap wine glasses).
Everyone is looking very glam but Derek and Mave start snipping
at one another prompting Rita to say "You know what they
say about people who live in glass houses."
Later on, Des is feeding Becky and Claire, and Claire tells Becky
about their plan to go on a boat together and leave Becky with
her grandparents for two weeks. Becky waves her enormous nose
around and tells them that she'd rather go with them on the boat,
to Des's disgust.
Alec/Maxine/Showbiz Acts
Maxine is a bit worried about singing onstage, but she needn't
have because all the other acts make her sound like Tina Turner.
First up is a man whose "talent" seems to be that he
can make his face go red and sweaty. After this is a strangely
shaped woman whose talent is staying inside a tiny green lurex
leotard for the duration of 5 minutes. She also rips a telephone
directory in half and at one point is clearly seen to rub it over
her body. But best of all are "Shadow and Son". Shadow
is a rather confused Mystic Meg type who is blindfolded and "Son"
goes amongst the crowd, picking up objects (such as a watch) and
saying in a stilted voice "Shadow! What ob-ject is this.
Take Your Time.." Next is Maxine who sings "Twist and
Shout" and from what I'd read I thought she was supposed
to be superb but instead it sounded a little bit flat but was
much better than everyone else. Afterwards Jack warbled through
"My Way" - the 3rd rendition of it that evening and
even Percy Sugden threatened to get up with his banjo-ukelele.
Trash/Sally/Vera
"Where's Trash?" Ida wants to know - as she's not at
her "station" and she'll get fired. Simple Sally knows
and goes to the toilet where Trash is staring at herself in the
mirror and looking a mess. "What's up?" says Sally.
"Go away!" yells Trish, but she's supposed to have a
more rounded personality these days so she counters it by telling
Sally that she's pregnant and Terry Duckworth is the father. Sally
isn't happy to hear this news - after all, she's the only character
who's allowed to have baby story-lines, so she tells Trish to
enlist Vera's help in finding Terry.
While the talent contest runs its miserable course, Trash goes
into the back with Vera and confesses that she's pregnant. Vera
is unable to cope with this information and decides that Trash
must be lying. "My Terry would never go out with a slag like
you!" she screams. "I wouldn't lie about something like
this," says Trash, in tears. "Get out!" squawks
Vera. "Very well," Trash glowers. "Nobody cares!
I'll get rid of it then. It would be the best thing for it!"
She leaves and Vera bites her lip and looks constipated. Credits.
Awards
Glamour Tiara
After the glamour-shortage of the past few weeks I'm glad to report
a sudden surge in glam - as almost all the CS ladies got kitted
out in their best clothes for this episode. There is no overall
winner, but special mention goes to Mavis who had her hair tied
back, Rita - who was wearing a uniform of white linen, (summer
madness!) complete with the necklace made of the bones of old
husbands, and Vera, who had been at her wardrobe with a pair of
pinking shears and had managed to concoct a "zebra-skin effect"
outfit out of the remains. Ear-rings were also prominently on
display, with each lady wearing a pair that were at least twice
as big as the previous contender. I heard that some money was
left over as they had over-budgeted for the talent show, so the
whole female cast were sat down in front of QVC's Diamonique Hour
and each given a portable phone and a courtesy credit card and
told to "go mad!"
Best character
"Son" - one half of "Shadow and Son". It's
nice to see the odd homosexual on the show, although next time
less emphasis on "odd" please.
Monday 29 July
Claire/Des/Becky/Lauren/Roy
Becky has a friend (I know! I was reeling in shock at this revelation
too.) She's called Lauren, and it's soon apparent that Becky's
the one with all the looks and charisma as Lauren's got short
blonde hair and a little piggy snout and she sounds like her nose
is permanently blocked up.
This pair have nothing better to do than skulk around Des's house
and devise little plans to upset him. They eventually retire to
the cafe where they start devouring chips, and chewing with their
mouths open. Becky tells Lauren that Des is "pig-ugly"
so maybe Lauren is his love-child.
Roy Cropper appears and starts talking about his new interest
which is ESP and how we all have a part of our brain that is not
developed. Roy impresses Alma with his powers, but the two girls
just giggle irritatingly and I'm reminded of an evening in a Preston
cinema in 1991 when I turned round on two such girls who were
making a noise all the way through "Robocop" and used
words on them that I didn't know that I knew.
Later, Becky is eating chips (smeared in ketchup) and is sitting
between Des and Claire. She tells them that she doesn't want to
go on a boat, she wants to go on to Florida instead. Des and Claire
babble like idiots but are unable to control this brat. "They
should have got those chips and rubbed her face in them,"
said the person who was watching with me.
Liz/Andy
Liz is wearing her National Colours - red and black, while Andy
seems to have another version of his new hairstyle. Andy gets
his car tax bill and decides he needs extra work to pay it. Liz
can't offer anything at the wine-bar, and neither can Curly (Roy
predicts this with the power of ESP before it happens).
Liz gets a phone call - someone has made an offer on the house
without bothering to view it - so they deduce that it must be
Jim. "I don't want Jim to have this house," Liz moans.
"Don't be childish," says Andy. "No! Liz want house!
Liz want house NOW!" says Liz. Andy shrugs.
Vera/Jack/Trash
Vera has been fretting about Trish all weekend and corners Jamie
to ask if his mother has had morning sickness or anything. Jamie
says no which seems to be the right answer.
Trash passes Jack on the Street and tells him to "get stuffed"
or some equally charming line. Jack guesses that something is
up and questions Vera who withholds the information from him.
By the evening, it's raining, and Sally and Trash are walking
home ARM IN ARM, so this must mean that they're best friends by
now or something. I hope that Sally has a strong nit-shampoo in
her house. Trash is stopped by Jack who questions her, so Trash
tells him that she's pregnant and it's none of his business.
Jack confronts Vera, furious with Terry. Vera says that Trash
is lying, but as usual she can't deceive herself forever and by
the end of the episode she's looking traumatized.
Audreh/Alf/Rita/Ken
Rita's knocking on Nicky's door and appears infuriated - the brat
hasn't delievered the newspapers for two days and Rita says that
she won't be taken for a fool for two days in a row and that Nicky
is going to be out of a job. A crowd of gawkers have gathered
in the Kabin to complain about their newspapers and they all have
glasses and grey perms. Audreh and Alf go to see Nicky but find
an empty house and a bedroom that's a "tip". Gradually,
Audreh begins to realise that Nicky has gone missing and is probably
never coming home. Instead of holding an immediate Street Party,
she starts to worry, repeatedly saying that she will give him
a "slap" when he comes back. Anxiety mounts and Audreh
appears like a harpy on Ken's doorstep, enlisting him to help
and coming out with an insane monologue that could have been written
by Alan Bennet, about how she was meant to be looking after him
and he's only 15. Ken phones Nicky's friends but nobody knows
(or cares) where he is.
Audreh decides to spend the night at the Platts - Alf wants to
phone Martin and Gail but Audreh doesn't want to ruin their holiday
and I'm thinking that when Nicky does come home he'll be getting
more than just a slap by now. Close-up on Audreh, also traumatised.
Credits.
Awards
Best acting: I thought Audreh did very well in this one. In a
couple of scenes she was given a lot of lines and she managed
to be convincing and portray a sense of mounting hysteria as she
realises that Nicky could be in danger.
Best new character: Lauren. Well she was the only new character
but let's not be cruel. It's going to be difficult restraining
myself over this one. The temptation to be nasty about her is
very strong.
Wednesday 31 July
Rita/Mavis/Derek/Drear
The absence of Nicky means that Mavis has to deliver the early
morning newspapers - and she looks even more drippy and defeated
than usual. The Drear, who happens to be in the shop for some
reason, can't understand why no teenagers would want a paper round,
and Rita comments that they don't like getting up early in the
morning. "That's right," says the Drear. "Take
my Tracy for example, one morning she stayed in her bed for 5
years!"
Mavis is doing her little martyr act and trying to squeeze as
much sympathy out of the situation as possible. Derek appears
to be concerned. "You're always so tired," he says,
"Especially at night-time..." Mavis perks up a bit,
thinking about sex (the Mallets must have left their scent all
over the house when they put the conserrrrvaterrry up), but Derek
spoils it all by saying "And we've hardly touched the allotment,
why don't we go there tonight."
Liz/Jim/Andy/Anne
Liz still thinks that Steve got beat up to force Fiona's hand,
but while she's thinking about it all, Jim calls round and tells
her that he's buying her house, so he is. "Nurrrr!"
cries Liz. "You can't win!" So Jim tells her that he's
not going to pay the mortgage any more. This shuts her up for
a while as she realises that it is fact herself who can't win.
Andy is still looking for extra work and then Anne appears in
the Rovers and offers him a job packing shelves at Firmans Freezers.
Liz and the Drear discuss Jim's ultimatum and Drear tells Liz
to sell the house to him and move in with her so that they can
be like the Golden Girls.
Trash/Vera/Sally/Mike
Trash is having morning sickness at work and needs to be constantly
touched and massaged by Sally now that they are best friends.
She can't keep her secret from Ida who is a woman of the world
(!), but Mike thinks it's a stomach bug.
Meanwhile, Vera's starting to regret her outburst on Trash and
asks Dreary if R Terreh ever went to see Trash. Drear doesn't
know - and look, she's managed to get herself involved in three
story-lines by this point - the hussy! Vera has a heart-to-heart
with Joyce about it, and just as Joyce is starting to get all
soppy about wanting to be a grandmother, Vera interrupts and starts
screaming pointlessly: "She can't get rid of it!"
Mike Baldwin arrives in the Rovers and Vera questions him about
Trash's health. Mike, thinking Trish has a stomach bug says "She'd
better get rid of it soon!" causing Vera to have a nervous
breakdown but when she realises the mistake she beams moronically.
We all know that the mere sniff of grandchildren is enough to
send Vera's IQ rocketing towards negative figures, and she's not
exactly the postergirl for MENSA at her most lucid moments.
Trish and Sally have a conversation - Trish doesn't want to get
rid of the baby, what if Terreh came back, but what if he doesn't?
Later, Jamie can sense that something is up, but Trish tells him
there is nothing to worry about at the moment. So they eat some
chips instead.
Audreh/Martin/Alf
It's morning and Nicky is still not home so Alf telephones Martin
who leaves his holiday (it looked boring anyway) and rushes back
to Coronation Street. Alf had told Martin that Nicky had only
been missing for a couple of nights, but when they admit that
in fact Nicky's now been gone for 4 nights, Martin explodes in
that nasty sarcastic angry way that he has.
Then Martin finds the keys that Nicky posted through the front
door (Alf had mindlessly picked them up and put them on the sideboard).
Martin is even more angry at this lack of perception, and telephones
Gail. Audreh stands in the background looking useless. Credits.
Awards:
Best line: Joyce "In my day 5 minutes behind the bus shelter
in Queen Street would be enough to cause the population explosion."
Kodak moment: Kevin gets a job as a garage fitter. "I couldn't
be happier if I'd won the lottery," he chunters. Thousands
of fans who expected to see him in house-husband mode with curlers
and fluffy pink mules will be disappointed.
Funniest Part of the Show: It happened after the show had ended,
I don't know if it played in regions other than ITV but they
decided to show an advert for Friday's episode and make it all
dramatic and scary. "MISSING" flashes up on the screen,
and then Gail is shown in black and white, getting out of a car
in slow motion. Audreh is next treated to these special effects,
as she presses her finger-tips to her face. It was all TOO much.
